#sorry for this blog being just me rambling abt my stupid life problems instead of my writing

[vanillamatchadove]

calm down calm down calm down calm down calm down calm down calm down calm down calm down calm down. calm your heart beat calm your heart beat. breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe. god can someone just hug me and tell me i'll be okay? god help me im so so close to hurting everything around me hahah.

[pastafrog]

sorry i keep saying things but also idk why im apologizing nobody follows this account so i have no obligation to feel guilty because the only one dealing with what i post is me and theres no benefit to apologizing to myself for this shit bc i could easily just not make the post and solve the problem way more effectively

today shouldve been a good day but im just so. emotionally exhausted.

i passed my driving test after having my permit for 2 years. finally. but i genuinely havent felt anything. like i was relieved when he said i passed but honestly that was barely even relief. i had to force myself to feel that. idk why. i wouldve forced myself to be sad if i failed. i continually told myself i wouldnt pass, but knew i was capable, so nothing wouldve surprised me. idk. im rambling. but it should've been a good day. i accomplished something ive been stressed about forever. but instead of being proud, im just kinda numb. and its frustrating.

i love my girlfriend but even talking to her today once i reached my limit of how many things i had the energy to do for the day wasnt enough. i have 2 tests im stressed abt tomorrow in school. i needed to have fixed my art project and turned it in. but instead, im in bed. i want to go to sleep. but i also feel guilty because i didnt do what i needed to do today. its a horrible cycle of never being enough. im gonna regret writing all this later bc its angsty but like. i need to dump my stupid brain real quick. and there arent any consequences when theres nobody listening.

im essentially in my head about everything rn. peer critiques in art werent that bad but basically "balance could be improved" translated to "your art is shit and youre basically doodling like a 4th grader rather than someone who has learned the principles of art 4 times". somehow though, it didnt bum me out? i just kinda accepted those thoughts and moved on. idk why my brain is doing this right now. i should be happy. im in a great relationship, im in classes i enjoy, im doing well in my extracurriculars, i can drive now, etc. but here i am, laying in bed, typing out a blog post to nobody about how my privileged life isnt enough for my stupid brain today.

maybe itll be better tomorrow. we'll see.