#spent 10h at uni today

[youjustwaitsunshine]

not going to uni tomorrow bc i think if i did id just get sick, lets hope my creativity decides to drop in

[tzarrz]

i listen to fog lake too much

[wcrriorhearts]

Good evening 🩷 i spent 10h at uni today and my brain is fried, but I will try to write

[morkofday]

thank you @leonzhng for tagging me ♥ sorry it has taken a while! 

Rules are simple: List five things you want your followers to know. It can be very simple or very specific. Then you tag at least 10 people.

I’ll make the first one my explanation for my slowness. I’ve just been super busy these past... what, five or so days? I’m doing some theater stuff at uni and we’ve had to build our lighting set up from zero and then practice, practice, practice. I’ve spent around 10h per day doing all that and today is my first free day in a while. our first show is tomorrow! am super nervous D: 

I’ve never owned any pets but I’ve always wanted to! I am just scared of adopting one bc I fear that no pet would ever like me or be comfortable with me and that would hurt me very deeply ;; 

I actually, genuinely enjoy math and math related problems/puzzles. No idea how I ended up studying literature... (or actually, yes I have any idea. I didn’t want to do too much math. Books are great. Studying all this is great)

I’ve always been a great student but in high school I learned to prioritize and now in uni am just. winging it mostly. I am still doing very well and I enjoy this all! There was never any pressure placed upon me, I just regulated myself into doing well with my studies ever since I went to first grade (and I was proud of it bc it was something I did on my own!)

I am currently very obsessed with The Lost Tomb Reboot’s Liu Sang as a character and as someone to write. He has so many relationships to explore (what he feels and thinks) and there is so little the drama tells us about him! I hope I can grasp him well bc I love him a lot

that’s it ^^ I wish to tag only @i-am-just-a-kiddo (pls blow me away haha), @ashenwren (I love talking with you and learning about you!) and @manhasetardis ♥ do this if you wish to, no pressure!

[020may]

a message to my teens...

I’m starting this letter to myself on May 15, 5 days before I turn 20. As my teen years come to an end, I want to take the time to reflect a bit on who I am, as I venture into my twenties.

13

13 was the age that you graduated elementary school, and started high school. 

I remember being scared of the change into high school, and all the scary upperclassmen. I was worried how it would feel to not be in the same class all day with all the same classmates. But in a way, I suppose, I was excited to meet new friends. I was always told that in high school you make friends that you keep for a long time. And, I’m still friends with them today.

You wrote a letter to your future self when you were 13. In it you talked about how you were upset about the lack of a proper graduation ceremony and not being able to go to Playland or Cultus. I suppose I still wish we got to go, I know it would’ve been so fun. But I had other chances to go, and I had other opportunities to spend time and make memories with my friends and classmates. Something that you mentioned in your letter was that you were upset that you couldn’t walk criss-cross into the seats, and how it's the little things like this that make the ceremony something worth remembering. I don’t want to invalidate your feelings in any way, I know it was really upsetting, but I want you to know, in the future you completely forgot that walking in criss-cross was a thing. You’ll feel better about this with time.

14

To be honest, I don't feel like I can explicitly recall anything memorable from 14. I think this was when you started making some new friends, some of your closest friends to this day. I hope it brings you comfort to know that whatever troubles you were facing, future you doesn’t remember. Those social studies tests you worried and stressed so much about don’t mean anything now. Whatever grade you got on a project, really doesn’t affect you in the future.

15

I remember, when you turned 15, you had this epiphany of “oh my gosh I’m old”. 15 seemed like that age you always saw in movies and books and tv shows, and now all of a sudden you were that age. There was that time when you went to Vancouver Island, and at the ferry station, you were asked your age, and you weren’t used to being 15 so you said 14. It was a weird moment, and marked the moment where I started to become so self conscious of my age. At this age I started feeling old. (looking back you really were so young). 

I think it was at this age, school started getting a bit more busy and started mattering more to you. Your course load was definitely harder than in grade 8 and 9, and grade 10 marks started showing up on your transcript. I think you were learning for the first time on how to deal with all of these tests and assignments and projects. It 15 was the first time you started feeling overwhelmed at times, and sometimes you had dark thoughts. I want you to know that you got through it all. That despite those worries you had, things were okay. You were strong.

16

You made a portfolio for Mr. Roberts’s English 10H class. It’s really nice to look back on sometimes. I hope that you’ll make one in the future again, or rewrite some of the stuff in there. 16 was another special age of growth. I think when you were 16, that’s when you started to really care about how you looked. And that meant you felt insecure a lot. And that meant you hated the way you looked a lot, you hated it so much. 

You were in grade 11, and you started to feel pressure about university and what you would study in the future. Looking back in my diary, I can tell that you were stressed and you were lost and you were tired. I hope you know things will be okay. It’s okay to be lost sometimes. I hope you can learn to lean on the people around you. And don’t stress too much about university, you made it to one in the end.

17

At 17, you entered your last year of high school. 17 was another where I think I had an epiphany about my sudden oldness. I think the beginning may have been tough, you were worried about SATs and universities and essays and you doubted yourself a lot. At this age you started to care a bit less about others. Maybe it was because you were now part of the oldest students at school, and maybe it was because you knew all your classmates a bit better. You started to care a bit less about others, and you felt a bit more comfortable with class presentations, felt a bit more comfortable just being loud with your friends, but I know deep down you still cared a lot about what others thought. But I'm proud of how far you’ve come. I know at this age you definitely started reflecting a lot on your younger self, and you started thinking a lot about how you wished you did things differently when you were younger. I hope that you learn that this means you can start to change things going forward.

I think 17 was also an age where you started having more adventures with your friends, or just going out with them more. It was likely because you had more time after uni apps. But I really liked it. Artona pics, going out to eat, everything. They’re all precious memories. I think 17 was a really happy year for you.

18

18 was a very special age to you, and it’s a very special age to me now. It was a year of transition. Officially, you became an adult. You were old enough to vote. You graduated high school, and you moved to university. It was a new start into your adulthood, although it didn’t feel so much like adulthood and felt more like “what-the-hell-am-I-doing-hood”. A lot happened at 18. 

At 18, you finished your last month of high school. Honestly, it was the best month of high school. You went to prom, you spent lots of time with your friends, had many new experiences. You graduated high school, and on the last day when you were getting your yearbook signed, you saw a lot of classmates for the last time. A lot of people you realized you would no longer have any reason to see anymore. After graduating high school, you and your friends went on a grad trip. You went to Korea and Taiwan with them, and later to Shanghai by yourself. It was the best summer. It’s one that I think I will always look back on. A trip representing youth. I miss it a lot.

You then moved to Toronto to go to University. In high school, you were always excited by the thought of University. You looked forward to the independence, being able to go out with friends late at night, and being in downtown Toronto, where it was easy to go anywhere. But you remember right? You were so scared when you first moved. You cried on the first night. Some time throughout the year you cried many times. You missed home. You missed the comfort of being in a city you knew. It was hard. You were also shy, and had a hard time making new friends. I want to tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay to cry and miss home, it’s okay to feel lonely. It’s okay. You’ll be okay.

And then covid-19 hit and you got sent home. And things started getting weird.

19

And this is where I am now. It’s May 19, 10:30pm and I’m trying to finish this letter before midnight hits. 

This year was definitely special, not just for me but for the whole world. I spent the entirety of being 19 stuck in this pandemic. (I truly hope things can go back to normal soon.)

19 was definitely a tough year, and I really struggled a lot. With school being online, I found it hard to stay focused and motivated, and I fell behind a lot. I felt isolated. My mental health really plummeted, and I think it was lower than it has ever been in my life. I cried a lot, I was sad a lot, I thought about death a lot. It was a dark time, especially in the first half. I felt lonely a lot too. 

I think I started to get a bit better with a bit of time, and I was able to carry on with a schedule. I’ve been happier, but I’ve also been sadder. This year just seemed to pass by, with days bleeding into each other. School scares me, and the future scares me. It’s hard to think that in less than 2 years I will be graduating and moving even further into adulthood. I’m so scared. I don’t think I can handle the responsibilities, and I don’t think I can manage everything, and I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. I’m scared of growing up. I’m really scared.

Going into my twenties, I’m scared of so many things that lie ahead. My teen years have always felt like they were supposed to represent my youth. Leaving that behind and walking into what seems like a completely new world is scary. But I hope I can learn to trust myself just a little bit more.

Good luck...

From, 

19 year old Jessica