#spiritxtalk

[97fears]

Update on my life.

So, there’s been quite a few things happening in my life and to any of you that are out there listening, I guess it’s time to catch you up on a few things.

And if it just so happens that there’s no one here to listen, @ Future Me, I hope you read back at this fondly, for this was an interesting time in your life as a 23-and-a-half year old.

I dyed my hair green last month, but it’s since cooled down to be a nice turquoise/teal colour. It’s very reminiscent of the hair colour that I wish I had as a teenager but figured I’d never be allowed to do, so to see it on me almost 10 years later is quite freeing. It’s almost a kind, fond feeling like seeing an old friend-- like “Hey, past me! We’re finally brave enough to do the things we want to do!”

Anyways, it’s a nice colour on me. It’s not my absolute favourite, but I like it nonetheless. Lowkey kinda sucks how fried my hair is though. LOL.

Apart from that, I’m actually... talking to someone. Romantically. Crazy, right? After the mess and turmoil that was KIPU and my last ex-girlfriend, I thought I wasn’t going to do this again. Also, I’ve had instances of plenty of other people between those two failed love stories years ago, so I was starting to think love wasn’t for me. Maybe it still isn’t. But right now, I want you to know, Future Me, that this guy you’re talking to-- he’s really nice. And right now, you’re feeling like you maybe want to let yourself be happy with him because you are tired of all the outside pressure of having to date for marriage. You just want to date, and you want to date him.

And guess what? He wants to date you too! So bad. In fact, so bad, that he asked you out a couple of days ago and you said no. Wild! Haha. Him and I... We don’t have a lot in common but that’s kind of the nice thing about it, I think. I’ve been dating so many people that tend to run in the same circles as me, and for once, I’m starting from scratch. I really like it whenever we get to know each other. It’s very sweet and wholesome amongst... other things *wink wonk*. But yeah. We’ll see where this goes, if anywhere at all. I hope it does...

[97fears]

Random Tag ♥

I was tagged by @soiledtaste! Thank you for thinking of me! (:

Do you make your bed? - Honestly, no.  What’s your favorite number? - 52 because it looks like a heart. What is your job? - I work in a before and after school program and I’m also a private tutor for foster kids. If you could go back to school, would you? - I would like to get my master’s degree but it’s best for my mental health to take a very long break from academia. Can you parallel park? - Yes, I can! My current parking space requires me to parallel park everyday. A job you had that would surprise people? - When I was in high school, I used to be an assistant Zumba instructor at the local recreation center. Do you think aliens are real? - I definitely don’t think we’re alone in this universe. Can you drive a manual car? - No, but I wish I knew how! :( What’s your guilty pleasure? - I’m not sure if this is something to be guilty about but I really like fossil searching and clamming vlogs. I want to go out clamming one day or maybe finding my own Megalodon tooth! Tattoos? - I have two and I am almost always waiting for my next one. Favorite color? - Spearmint Green. Favorite type of music? - I’m known for being really into KPOP but I also love complextro, city pop, bedroom pop, and California punk music. Do you like puzzles? - I do! Any phobias? - Sharp things, fire/ burning things, spiders. Favorite childhood sport? - Tennis. Do you talk to yourself? - Just in my head. What movie do you adore? - 13 Going on 30, The Princess Diaries, The Help, and Memoirs of a Geisha. Is that weird? Coffee or tea? - Tea. First thing you wanted to be growing up? - I wanted to be a ballerina when I was younger. Pretty much, I wanted to be a professional performer.

Tagging: @girlonpanic @herbly @alientaeyong @97gcf

[97fears]

“Get to Know Me Better” Tag!

I was tagged by @soiledtaste! Thank you so much for thinking of me~ ♥

Rules: Answer the questions and tag ten people you would like to know better!

Gender: Non-binary, female passing

Horoscope: Scorpio

Height: 5′8″ / 173cm

Hogwarts House: Thought I was a Slytherin for the longest time, only to take the test and see that I was a Gryffindor; but as of lately I’ve heard that I mostly resemble a Ravenclaw.

Favourite Animal: Otters!

Average Hours of Sleep: About 6?

Current Time: 18:25

Dogs or Cats? Cats.

Number of Blankets: One fleece, at the moment.

When I joined Tumblr: I joined Tumblr when I was in middle school back in 2010, 2011-ish? But I’ve since left that account and created this one in November 2019.

How I created my URL: I was born in the year 1997 and I originally created this account so I could document my feelings going through a bunch of big life decisions and overcoming my *fears* and worries. But those plans have been halted due to COVID-19. How unfortunate.

Tagging: @girlonpanic @herbly @taenamgi @97gcf @93ys @behanvior @vulcanide -- Sorry! I don’t know a lot of people on here and I also don’t have a lot mutuals so I can’t come up with 10. ;;

[97fears]

—check up tag— 

tagged by: @girlonpanic ! tysm for thinking of me

how has your day been? // my day has been okay. i swear my days are blurring together but i’ve just been taking it in stride, filling up my days by practicing my bracelet weaving, working out, and reading/ writing fics! ^u^

what was the last thing that make you smile? // a dumb ass joke that was insinuating jj project had a piss kink... don’t ask. nsfw ahgatwitter is wild as hell.

what’s keeping you entertained these days? // tons and TONS of fanfiction. i hadn’t been able to read much because of work but now that i have all this time on my hands, i’ve been able to check out different fics as well as finally work on my ongoings that i created ages ago.

if you are in some kind of quarantine/self-isolation, is there anything you’d like to achieve in this time? // i want to start setting up my skill for content creating. it sounds dumb, but i really want to start sharing with people the cool tips and tricks i have with beauty. i don’t necessarily want to be an influencer of some sort, but i just want to be able to share with people. haha.

post a selfie!! // i haven't taken selcas in a while so here's my display pic in full!

i’m tagging: @97gcf , @taenamgi , and @xxneongreenxx !

[97fears]

Had my first day at work yesterday.

It was different. A good different! I haven't felt shy in a long time but in front of my new coworkers I just felt myself close up a little bit. I'm working as an after school program Youth Leader. So I'm pretty much those adults I used to spend my time obsessing over back in middle school and high school. I've been tasked with mainly taking care of the middle school kids and half of them are set on being indifferent towards me or being super curious of me. It's cute. Nothing I'm not too used to.

Back in the summer, I volunteer taught at a non-profit. I continue to tutor there just because I love the kids so much. I had only been there for three weeks, but I ended up remembering all the kids names, their faces, and even some of their interests.

Which is what makes my current job situation a little sad.

So, I was originally assigned to a school location that wasn't to start until the 27th. But my company, being so nice and considerate, figured to put me in temporarily at another school that started yesterday, the 6th, so that I could receive a paycheck for this month. That means I would be at this current location for 2-3 weeks. And by looking at my track record, that's just enough time to get attached. When you work with kids, it's hard not to. But since I mainly work in underserved communities, it's even more heartwrenching to leave kids who already look at life so mundane and are apathetic to relationships because of the large turnout rate. I'm thinking of asking to switch my location to this current one if an opening arises.

Anyways! Work was okay. It wasn't a bad nor a great first day. Just a first. Although, a highlight for sure has to be when one of my coworkers decided to blast Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way" and then the rest of the adults started belting it out. One of the kindergarten kids, this cute little girl with selective mutism, came up to me and nudged me to get up and dance with her. It was so adorable and that little moment made me feel like I belonged.

I never want to forget that feeling.

[97fears]

I've been having a really rough time.

Technically, it's been like this for the past few months-- much like how it's been for everyone else-- but these past few weeks in particular have been absolutely awful. I wish I could place why. The cosmic person inside of me wants to laugh and just blame it on mercury retrograde, but it also just feels more... Raw. Like, I'm having hyper-realizations that I don't like where I am and where I've been, and I hate that I don't know where I'm going.

Things have been rough. I wish I knew what to do. In the meantime, I'm keeping myself busy with hobbies that I think I still love and using my time to search for music that will encourage me to feel and express myself in ways that aren't destructive. I think it's working; I'd like to hope it is.

Sigh.

During times like this, I yearn for an escape. In these moments, I remember Seoul. I remember how it felt both foreign and like home. Home, enough to not be terrified, but foreign just so, that it felt like a healthy challenge. Like I could start anew. I want to go back. It might no longer be new, but neither is this place, and I'd rather grow in a place familiar than rot somewhere I once rested in comfort.

Does that make sense?

[97fears]

So with the spread of COVID-19, I’ve become more hesitant to apply to teach in South Korea. But considering that the process for me wouldn’t end until early September, I keep wondering if I should stick it out and do it regardless. I don’t know. Is this something I even want anymore?

[97fears]

A really weird and random New Year’s resolution of mine is to learn (which I have already done so thanks to a random Wi-Fi outage and my brother for teaching me) and get better at playing different versions of solitaire. I never knew how to play as a child and as a teenager, but I guess to be very on brand with my impulsive quirkiness, I’ve decided to heavily invest in this skill as an adult?