#steadfast sightless 7

[nothoughts-onlywomen]

steadfast, sightless - chapter seven

El and Lucas have a discussion. El, Mike, and Will help Max try to talk. Max is given an update on her condition.

“Can she say any words yet?”

It was the same question Lucas had been asked by everyone since Max woke up. Can Max talk again? When will she talk again? Will her speech come back? He swallowed his annoyance at Eleven’s question as he gripped the old telephone in his hand, leaning against the hallway wall. He didn’t know today any more than he had yesterday. Eleven was asking about Max’s speech because the speech doctor had finally come to see her earlier that morning. El was coming to visit today with Mike and Will, and he knew that they, like him, were desperate to hear her voice again, to talk and laugh with her like before. But even he didn’t know everything about the trajectory of her recovery, as much as he kept a tab on it. So he just kept repeating what the doctors had told him. Lucas didn’t mind being the point of contact for all things Max since he was here with her the most. It made him feel like he was helping take care of her. And he knew Eleven just wanted Max to feel better. They all did.

“Besides our names, I don’t know,” was all he said. It was the nicest answer he could think of. He was irritable today, he’d noticed. Since Dr. Sutherland had told him Max’s vision loss was likely permanent, he’d been sinking under the weight of that secret. It festered within him like an untreated wound, hurting him with every word that one of his friends uttered, becoming more gangrenous every time he looked at Max.

She didn’t know, and he couldn’t tell her. He couldn’t bring himself to break her. Not until Dr. Sutherland had come to talk to her first. And he couldn’t tell any of their friends before she knew. He would not disrespect her like that. So he was stuck. Stuck in this awful purgatory until a doctor came along to break the news to her and everyone else. As horrible as it would be for Max to hear it, and as much as he was dreading her reaction to it, he hoped to God that the other shoe would drop soon. He couldn’t carry the secret by himself for much longer.

 Lucas knew Max was positively writhing at the chance to talk even remotely close to how she used to. It killed him to walk in and see her, her face hopeful as she sat propped against her usual mountain of pillows, the head of the bed raised slightly. Her hair had been brushed and pulled back into a long braid, which hung over her shoulder. She looked more like herself than she had in a long time. She would almost look normal if it weren’t for the many tubes still running in and out of her. The IV and feeding tube would remain for a few weeks yet while they transitioned her back to regular food. The oxygen could likely come off in a day or two. None of this seemed to bother her today, though. Lucas had never felt such a confusing mixture of warmth and utter despair as she said “Luh,” when he’d announced himself, reaching for his hand and clasping it in both of hers.

In any case, the speech doctor seemed reasonably optimistic about Max regaining her speech. She sat down on the bed across from Max, and they had practiced making sounds. Vowel sounds, like “ooh,” and “ahh,” and then the other letters of the alphabet. She then instructed Max to practice these sounds when she could, as it would make saying regular words easier for her to transition back into.

“The fact that you can make these sounds is a good sign, Miss Mayfield,” the speech doctor said encouragingly. “We’ll start with some simple words; see how well you do with that. I may also try to help you learn some hand signals, so you can tell us if you are in pain or need something. Because of your sight, I’m not sure I can teach you sign language. But once we start working together, we can figure it out. Okay?”

Max nodded, giving Lucas’ hand a squeeze in anticipation.

“Since your mother isn’t here, Miss Mayfield, may I borrow your friend for a moment?”

She nodded again, relinquishing her grip on his hand.

“I’ll be right back,” he said close to her ear, and she gave a jerk of her head in assent.

The speech doctor closed the door behind them. She was older, likely close to Joyce’s age. Her hair was tied into a loose bun, and he could see streaks of silver nestled within the warm brown. She peered at him over her glasses.

“I assume you are her…”

“Friend,” said Lucas. “I’m Lucas Sinclair.”

“I’m Dr. Cobb. Thank you for being here. Where is her mother?”

“We’re trying to figure that out,” said Lucas. Through Eleven, he had dispatched Hopper and Joyce to go out to Max’s trailer to see why Susan had not been showing up. He had not yet heard anything.

Dr. Cobb glanced at Max’s door, then back at him.

“I must tell you, Mr. Sinclair, that I’m not exactly sure what her capacity is for re-learning everything. There may be certain things that are permanently out of reach for her. Her neurologist tells me that the swelling in her brain her going down, slowly but surely, so we’ll see what she is able to do. She’ll have another brain scan in a few weeks, and that will tell me a lot too.”

Lucas nodded. He felt dazed. There were still so many what-ifs, so many unknowns. They could teach her how to talk again if she was able to learn. She might regain her ability to walk normally if everything continues to heal properly. If, if, if.

“It’s overwhelming, I know,” said Dr. Cobb, seemingly reading the look on his face. “But your devotion to her speaks volumes to us. And I’m sure it does to her too.”

 “So, that’s what Dr. Cobb said. She thinks that Max has a good chance of talking normally again, but it might take a while.”

El was silent on the other line.

“Maybe…maybe I could help,” she said uncertainly.

“How?”

“I had to learn too.”

“Yeah, but…it’s different for you. You could say the words you learned. I don’t know if she can.”

Eleven sounded determined.

“I want to try.”

“If you want to try, I won’t stop you,” said Lucas. “I know she wants to talk again.”

They let this sentiment sit with them for a moment. Then El’s tone of voice changed suddenly.

“We found Max’s mother,” she said.

Lucas frowned.

“What do you mean, you found her?”

“She is fine. Not hurt. Hopper and Joyce found her asleep at home.”

“Just asleep?”

“Asleep…with lots of beer cans on the floor. Hopper called it ‘alcoholic.’”

Lucas was hardly surprised. Since Susan had last shown up, smelling heavily of beer, there had been no indication that her alcoholism had improved at all since then. Her absence proved that.

Eleven continued, supposedly mis-reading his silence. “Joyce says that sometimes when people are upset, they drink beer. Max’s mother drinks too much beer, so she falls asleep and forgets things.”

Things like coming to see her daughter in the hospital. Lucas knew it wasn’t right to feel angry. Susan was clearly battling her own demons. She and Max had already been struggling financially, and it occurred to Lucas that Max’s medical care probably wasn’t cheap. Perhaps the current state of Hawkins, the stress of Max being in the hospital, and the financial strain had caused Susan to go off the deep end. But Max needed her mom now more than ever, and Susan was letting her down yet again. It was hard not to feel irritated by this at the very least.

“Did they say anything about getting her help?” he said, trying his utmost not to sound upset.

“Joyce talked about ‘Alcoholics Anonymous.’ Hopper says she needs to go to a place to get better. He called it ‘rehab.’ But he doesn’t know if she will go.”

Lucas couldn’t think of anything to say to this. Eleven didn’t seem to think of anything either, and prattled on over the uncomfortable silence.

“We are coming to visit today,” she said, a little more hopefully. “Me, Mike, and Will.”

“She’ll be glad you’re here,” he said.

 Lucas spent the rest of the morning reading to Max. A departure from their usual routine, he sat in bed with her, holding Salem’s Lot open in front of him with one hand, his other arm around her as she lay curled under her blankets next to him, her head on his chest, her red hair falling in waves over her shoulder.

“When you come from the city to the town,” he read, “You lie wakeful in the absence of noise at first. You wait for something to break it: the cough of shattering glass, the squeal of tires blistering against the pavement, perhaps a scream. But there is nothing but the unearthly hum of the telephone wires and so you wait and wait and then sleep badly. But when the town gets you, you sleep like –”

He was interrupted by Max, who suddenly patted his chest, sitting up and turning her head toward the closed door. Mere moments later, Eleven pushed open the door and walked into the room, Mike and Will in tow.

Her hearing must be getting better, Lucas thought, detaching himself from Max so he could stand up to embrace them. Dr. Sutherland had said this would probably happen. When one sense is damaged, he had explained, other senses become stronger to compensate.

“Max,” said Eleven from over his shoulder, and Max reached out hopefully at the sound of her voice. “I am here with Mike and Will.”

As El sat down on the bed, she guided Max’s outstretched hands to her face. Max moved her hands across El’s skin, studying her. Lucas supposed it helped her to picture her friends’ faces. Max then reached out over El’s shoulder, and Lucas realized she wanted to see Mike and Will too, in the only way she could now. Will seemed to know what Max wanted, and he leaned down until her palms met his cheeks. They watched her brow furrow as she tried to figure out who it was.

“It’s Will,” he said quietly.

Max nodded in recognition as her hand reached up to touch Will’s hairline, and Lucas knew she must be placing him in her mind by his bowl cut. She gave his cheek a friendly pat. Mike shuffled over next, and Will guided her hands toward Mike’s face. She didn’t need nearly as much time to identify him, and she suddenly pulled her hand back from Mike’s face to jab her finger into his cheek. Mike startled backward.

“Max! What the hell?”

No one in the room, not even Mike, could resist a childish smirk and a chuckle at this. Lucas even saw the corners of Max’s mouth twitch with the shadow of a mischievous grin.

El took Max’s hands in her own. Max turned her head in Eleven’s direction, her cloudy eyes focused on a point above El’s head.

“Max,” said Eleven uncertainly. “Can you speak?”

Lucas cringed inwardly at the baldness of the question, and, unsurprising to him, Max’s face fell at this. She squeezed El’s hands, opening and closing her mouth, desperately trying to make words come out. Her eyes started filling with big fat tears and it killed Lucas. He knew she wanted to speak again so badly. This morning had given her so much hope for it. And once again, she was defeated by her own body, her own brain. He could see every word she wanted to say trapped behind those glassy, unseeing eyes.

Eleven shook her head, wiping her friend’s tears.

“Don’t cry,” she murmured. “I want to help.”

Max’s eyebrows raised hopefully.

“Ah – ” She squeaked. “Ah. Ah.”

El nodded. “We can try it, Max. Say…‘mom.’”

“Mmm,” Max said determinedly. It was as if she knew the word but couldn’t get her mouth to form the sounds around it. “Mmmm.”

“That’s good,” said El, although Lucas saw the hope in her eyes falter somewhat.

“Mom,” she said to Max slowly. “Mmaahhmm.”

Lucas could see that Max was concentrating with everything in her, and he was half-expecting a vein to burst in her head from focusing so intensely. “Mmm,” she said. “Ahh.”

“You’re doing good, Max,” said Mike bracingly. He and Will were watching intently. Lucas knew they were both eager to hear her say a word, any word, to sound even a little like her old self again. He understood. He was too.

She gave a little smile, clearly encouraged. Lucas sat down next to her and she jumped, her hand flailing out toward him. He was still getting used to that.

“Sorry. It’s Lucas,” he said. Max released her tight grip on his arm and grabbed El’s hand once again.

“Mom,” said Eleven again. “Mm. Ah. Mm. Mom.”

“Ahh,” Max repeated desperately. “Ahhmmm.”

“She was really close that time,” said Will helpfully.

“Ahh,” said Max again, and Lucas could start to feel the frustration coming off her as her voice became harder and more intense. “Ahhhmmm.”

El’s eyes began to swim with tears.

“It’s okay, Max,” she said, clearly not wanting to cause Max any more stress, but Max squeezed El’s hands even harder, her look concentrated, her jaw set.

“Ahhmmm,” she said pointedly. “Ahhmmm.”

“Say the ‘mmm’ sound first, then that.”

“Mmm…ahhmmm,” Max said finally.

Her face brightened, seemingly hearing the three boys’ exhale in relief and joy at her success. El gave a watery laugh, gripping Max’s hands.

“Mom. Yes.”

“Mmmahhhhmmm,” said Max, as if she were savoring the word. Hearing herself say it seemed to cause her a sudden burst of excitement, and Max’s face broke out into the most genuine smile Lucas had seen from her in months.

“Good job,” smiled Eleven, cupping Max’s face in her hands and pressing her forehead against her friend’s. Max gave a little laugh, covering El’s hands with her own, and Lucas saw a gleam of hope in her cloudy eyes.

 The following morning was gray and wet, a fog settling over Hawkins as if to further solidify that they now lived in a creepy hellscape for a town. Lucas pulled his jacket over his shoulders more tightly as Steve pulled his car up to the hospital, screeching to a stop outside the sliding double doors.

“I’ll be back with the others soon,” he said. “I think everyone’s coming today.”

It had been their little secret that Steve was the one driving him to the hospital every day. Lucas didn’t know why he hadn’t been forthcoming about it. He secretly thought Steve was still trying to wriggle out of his babysitter role, a feat which he was unlikely to accomplish, and that was why neither of them had made it known that it was him who had been willing to wake up early every morning to drive Lucas to Hawkins Memorial Hospital. Lucas also knew that, on some level, this was Steve’s way of showing how much he cared for Max.

“Sinclair!” Steve called as Lucas was walking toward the entrance. “Tell her we’ll all be there soon, okay?”

Lucas held up his hand without turning around, to show he had heard.

He checked in with the grumpy morning nurse, who made some comment under her breath about how he was there yet again and made a beeline for Max’s room.

His hand had just closed around the handle of the door –

“Lucas.”

He turned to see Dr. Sutherland walking toward him, holding his clipboard in his hand. Lucas felt his insides start to sink as the doctor got closer, his expression becoming increasingly grave. All at once he remembered. Max’s vision.

Lucas swallowed.

“You’re here to tell her, aren’t you?”

Dr. Sutherland nodded.

“I’m afraid so.”

Lucas closed his eyes. He had never so urgently needed something to happen while also not wanting that same thing to happen at all. And here they were, on the precipice, about to take a dive off a cliff that had no place for them to land.

“Let me go in there first,” he said. “I want her to know I’m there before you tell her. I don’t want her to be alone.”

Dr. Sutherland nodded. “I’ll give you a few moments, then I’ll knock and come in.”

Lucas nodded. He took a shaky breath. He could already feel the tears rising, could already feel himself trembling. He didn’t want to do this. And he desperately needed the weight of this secret taken from him.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Lucas opened the door to Max’s room, half-praying she was asleep. His heart clenched as he saw that she was indeed awake, and her head was turned toward him, her hand outstretched in his direction, waiting for him to get close enough for her to feel his face. He felt as if anchors were tied to his ankles as he walked toward her.

“Luh,” she said hopefully.

It was so wonderful and so awful for her pale hands to meet his face, and for her expression to light up as soon as it did.

“It’s me,” he said, fighting to keep his voice level.

A little grin tugged at the corners of her mouth.

“Luh,” she said, sounding pleased.

Lucas couldn’t stand it anymore, and he threw his arms around her. She shuddered a little from surprise, but then immediately reciprocated, wrapping her thin arms around his neck.

He heard the door open behind him and he held her even tighter, burying his face in her bony shoulder, the tears trapped behind his eyelids threatening to slip out.

I’m sorry. Max. I’m so sorry.

“Max Mayfield?”

Max stiffened a little at the unfamiliar voice, her grip around him tightening.

“My name is Dr. Sutherland. I’m here to talk to you about your brain scan. Would that be all right?”

Max slowly pulled away from him, dipping her head at the doctor. Lucas was grateful Dr. Sutherland was here to do the talking as he took Max’s hand in his. He couldn’t talk or he’d break down.

“Miss Mayfield.” Dr. Sutherland sat down in Lucas’ usual chair by the bed. “Can you hear me well enough?”

Max nodded again.

“I wanted to tell you about your brain scan,” Dr. Sutherland said, in what Lucas assumed was a carefully neutral voice. “Your brain is swollen, and that’s why you’re having some trouble with certain things. But the swelling is slowly going down. It should be easier to talk and walk as time goes on. And any sad or angry feelings that you’re having should get easier too. Does all that make sense?”

Max’s cloudy eyes were uncertain.

“Do you have any questions so far, Max?” Lucas cringed inwardly as he watched Max ponder this. The doctor was being so gentle that it was killing him.

After a few moments, Max reached her other hand up to the corner of her eye, touching her eyelid with one finger and fixing Dr. Sutherland with a quizzical look.

“Your eyes?” said the doctor, and she nodded. The tears started to fall into Lucas’ lap.

“We looked at your eyes, and…your vision loss may be permanent. As it stands right now…you’re blind.”

She sat there in silence next to him as Lucas felt the silent sobs start to shake him. He could hardly stand to watch her pale face slowly crumble at the news. She yanked her hand out of his and began frantically touching and pointing at her eyes, as if demanding a solution that wasn’t there, as if begging the doctor to provide a fix that didn’t exist.

“I understand this is hard to hear,” said Dr. Sutherland gently. “I’m sorry, Max.”

Big fat tears started rolling down her sunken cheeks. Lucas watched her face fill with grief at the realization, a grief that consumed her so that she put her arms around herself and started to rock back and forth, her body starting to shake with sobs.

Dr. Sutherland seemed to realize that his presence might now be more harmful than helpful, and he stood up.

“Lucas, you know who to ask for if you need me. I’m going to send her nurse by to check on her in a few minutes.”

He nodded numbly.

Dr. Sutherland opened the door to her room, and Lucas suddenly heard the voices of their friends. What unfortunate timing they had for all of them to show up today.

Dr. Sutherland closed the door behind him, and Lucas heard him begin talking quietly. He knew Dr. Sutherland was breaking the news to the rest of their group there in the hallway. By the silence that soon fell, Lucas knew that they had all been told the truth now too.

Lucas hardly paid them any mind right now. Max was his priority. Especially in her current state. Waves of grief seemed to crash over Max, one by one, in rapid succession. She let out a disparaging wail, her arms still around herself as if she were afraid she’d fall apart if she let go. Eventually she was so overcome that she lay in the middle of her bed, curled into herself, the grief coursing through her like poison through a vein. She let out a scream of rage, her hands curling into fists as she pressed them against her temples, as hard as she could. Her body jerked with sobs that weren’t just sad. They were angry. They were indignant. Life wasn’t fair. Nothing was ever fair.

Lucas lay down behind her, his arms surrounding her, feeling her shake with grief. He barely heard the door open behind them as the rest of their friends filed into the room, one by one. No one spoke. He felt several pairs of arms envelop them both, and he leaned into them, closing his eyes as Max wailed in between them.