#stop angsting about your backstory trauma for 5 minutes

[kuravix-art]

Damn Lu Guang, eat your cake

[kimtaehyungrykim]

Doctor I Need You: Chapter 6

a/n: I know it’s been a while since I’ve last updated, I sincerely apologize for that. School has really been holding me back on updating and it didn’t help that I had writers’ block. But I finally finished Chapter 6! YAY! And this chapter is a little longer than the older chapters so enjoy!

Chapter Summary: Son Soojin’s execution date is in 2 days, but she’s refusing to have surgery and might as well die “on Taeyong’s watch”. Jisoo and Xiumin have a 10 year old patient that needs a new liver and intestine. What choices will the doctors make when the 10 year old boy down the hall is dying and the only organs that match are those of a murderer who wants out of her execution?

Prologue / Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / to be determined

Warnings: *Taeyong’s backstory is very dark*, mentions of murder, surgery

Rating: M

Genre: Fluff, Angst, Smut, Romance

Characters and their roles:

Attendings:

You (Head of Cardiothoracic Surgery)

Dr. Kim Jisoo (Head of General Surgery)

Dr. Kim Seokjin (Jin) (Attending Anesthesiologist)

Dr. Lee Taeyong (Head of Trauma Surgery)

Dr. Kim Taeyeon (Head of Neurosurgery)

Dr. Kim Xiumin (Head of Pediatric surgery) 

Dr. Park Leeteuk (Chief of Surgery) 

Residents:

Dr. Jeon Wonwoo (5th year Surgical Resident)

Dr. Nakamoto Yuta (5th year Surgical Resident)

Dr. Park Rosé (5th year Surgical Resident)

Dr. Park Joy (5th year Surgical Resident) 

Dr. Kim Mingyu (5th year Surgical Resident)

Songs to play while reading, I’ll point out where:

Dream - BolBBalgan4

The Funeral - Band of Horses

Lost Stars - BTS Jungkook (cover)

I Love You - BTS Jin (cover)

“Compassion is an action word with no boundaries” - Prince

------------

(Play Dream)

Taeyong got a page at 3:30 in the morning, he rushed down to the hospital and ran to Soojin’s room.

“Aw man, I told them not to call you here,” Soojin groaned, “Whatever it is could’ve waited till morning, Dr. Taeyong needs his beauty sleep doesn’t he?”

Taeyong ignored her, “Your head CT’s show that your brain contusions are expanding. I need to get you in the OR right away.”

“This brain thing, could it kill me?”

“If we don’t treat it, yes.”

Soojin bursted out in laughter.

“You think that’s funny?” Taeyong scoffed.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that they’re gonna execute me in 2 days. Might as well take my chances with the brain thing am I right?” Soojin smirked, “I mean, it’s a nice way to go. With a nice attractive doctor next to me, all the jello I want-”

“Are you refusing surgery?” Taeyong cut her off.

“Either way, I’m going to die. Might as well do it on your watch.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jisoo stood outside her patient’s room waiting for Dr. Xiumin.

“I’m here! I’m here! What’s wrong?” Dr Xiumin ran up to her.

“Woojin’s B.P, it’s a little down from yesterday. If we make a few calls, get a little pushy, maybe could we get him bumped a few spots up the transplant list-”

“Dr. Jisoo, you paged me 9-1-1 at 3:30 in the morning to what? To chat?” Xiumin scoffed.

“You like to chat, you’re chatty-”

“Not at 3:30 in the morning! Look, he’s only 10, he’s very close to the top of the list, we’ll find him his organs when we find him his organs but staying up all night chatting about this will not help,” Xiumin started walking away, “I’m gonna go back to sleep, I suggest you do the same.”

Jisoo stopped him, “He’s running out of time!”

“They always are, welcome to pediatrics.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were going over Soojins charts when Taeyong spotted you, the two of you walked into Soojin’s room.

“The swelling in your brain is increasing rapidly, the longer we wait the worse it gets,” Taeyong informed her.

She smiled, “Excellent. Go team.”

“I strongly suggest you reconsider surgery.”

“Have you ever seen the inside of a maximum security prison?”

Taeyong shook his head.

“Believe me, if you had to die, this is the place to do it.”

Taeyong turned to you, “Vigilantly monitor Ms. Soojin’s elevating I.C.P.s, hourly neuro exams, when she goes unconscious which she will, we’ll rush her to surgery-”

“You can’t do that,” Soojin interrupted, “Can he do that?”

“When you’re unconscious and can’t make sound medical decisions, a 2-doctor consent is all we need to treat you”

“My god!” Soojin groaned, “I’m gonna be dead as a doornail in 2 days, Dr. Y/n you’re a reasonable-”

“We’re done here!” Taeyong cut her off.

“Do you fix your broken television before you throw it out?” Soojin called out.

“She’s got a point,” You said.

Taeyong left the room.

You started wheeling Soojin out of the room for her neuro exam.

There was a long silence between you two before she spoke, “You’re upset.”

“I don’t get upset with patients.”

“You’re mad at me for killing all those people, I get that,” Soojin sighed, “Would it help if you knew I was abused as a kid? Every day, it’s how I learned to read. I used to hide under the sink and sound out the letters in the detergent bottles.”

“Is that true?”

“Did it make you feel better?”

Jisoo was wheeling her patient Woojin to the elevator as well, his eyes lit up when he saw the handcuffs attached to Soojin.

“Cool!” He exclaimed, “Did you do something bad?”

Soojin smirked at the kid, “Traffic violation.”

You gestured Jisoo to take the elevator first.

“What’s wrong with you kid?” Soojin asked.

“I need a new liver and intestine.”

“Really? You want mine?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jisoo spotted Xiumin in the attending’s lounge where he was having his lunch. She walked over and slammed a piece of paper in front of him.

“What the-”

“I’ve made a list of the best pediatric G.I.’s in the country. If we can get one of these guys to come down and do a TIPS procedure on Woojin.”

“A TIPS procedure on a kid that needs a new liver?” Xiumin scoffed, “That’s like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound.”

“Do you have a better idea?”

“Waiting for that call, trust the process. Why can’t you do that-”

“Because!” Jisoo snapped, “I’m tired. I’m so damn tired of waiting for that call when this kid is getting worse! Woojin’s tired, his mother’s tired, the only person who’s happy to sit on his ass and twiddle his thumbs and wait is you!”

“Whoa. I’ve been patient with you. But you know what, I am really over you constantly telling me how I should do my job-”

Wonwoo knocked on the door.

“Someone has to!”

“Hey,” Wonwoo said.

Xiumin scoffed, “I have 20 other kids in this hospital!”

“Hey,” Wonwoo repeated.

“I’m concerned about this one child-”

“SHUT UP!” Wonwoo shouted, “Respectfully. Respectfully shut up. Because we’ve got organs.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Play The Funeral)

Wonwoo and Xiumin left to pick picked up the organs.

“I wished you could get organs delivered or something, I hate flying,” Xiumin complained, “I feel a lot closer to death flying than in the O.R. don’t you?”

“I do now.”

“So, Taeyong and Y/n. I never thought they’d even make eye contact let alone get together. But hey, that’s like movie love isn’t it? If they do get together, that’s gonna be one hell of a story, right?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well we’re at that age right? Crushes, dating, marriage, babies, that’s the plan right?”

“I don’t know!” Wonwoo snapped, “I’m sorry. I don’t make plans okay? If there’s a future there great, if not, whatever.”

“I heard that there’s this heat between Jisoo and Jin. I don’t know both of them very well but I think that it would be interesting to see more of them-”

“What is wrong with you?” Wonwoo blurted out.

“What?”

“We just took a liver and an intestine from a little kid- A dead little kid- and you don’t even care. You’re talking about rainbows and relationships and gossiping and crap. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“You don’t think I know that they just pulled the plug on a kid? Do you not think that I get that? You don’t think I know about the tiny, tiny coffin they’re gonna stick them in? I know about the tiny coffins. I see them everywhere, in my sleep. So, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna continue talking rainbows and relationships and gossiping and crap. And I’m gonna make plans for tomorrow, because that’s what you do Wonwoo. Make plans. Turn your back on the tiny coffins and face forward...to the next kid.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You went to check up on Soojin. As always, there was that long moment of silence between the two of you as the sounds of the monitor beeps filled the air. Soojin spoke first.

“Did you know they let you choose?” Soojin asked, “Hanging, or lethal, you get to pick your poison. Which one would you choose? Medically speaking, which one’s...better?”

The sounds of the monitor hums filled the silence, you grabbed all the charts and headed towards the door. You stopped and turned around.

“With hanging, your neck breaks, which severs your spinal cord and causes your blood pressure to drop to nothing and lose consciousness. You don’t actually die until after several minutes. With lethal injection, they inject an anesthetic and put you to sleep. Then a paralytic which stops your diaphragm and lungs, then potassium, which stops your heart.”

Soojin nodded, “Was, um...was I a match for the boy?”

“Yes.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Xiumin and Wonwoo returned to the hospital and were in the O.R. finishing the surgery on Woojin. Joy sat up in the gallery looking over the whole thing, bummed out that all she can do today is watch over surgeries.

Joy sat there crossed armed, she looked at the monitor filming the surgery when she saw something odd. Joy stood up from her chair and looked at the screen a little closer.

“Oh shit,” Joy whispered, she pressed on the intercom but it wasn’t working, “No no no no!”

She bolted out of the gallery and into the O.R., Jisoo and Xiumin were about finished when Joy came running in.

“Wait! There’s a spot on the duodenum!”

Xiumin and Jisoo’s eyes averted back to the patient on the table.

Jisoo spotted it too, “What the hell is that?”

Jisoo and Xiumin were in a state of panic.

“He’s clotting and clotting and clotting!” Jisoo yelled out in frustration.

“Is there a source?” Xiumin asked.

“This can’t be happening,” Jisoo muttered under her breath, “This cannot be happening, not to this little boy. This is not happening. This is not happening.”

“These organs are dead Dr. Jisoo,” Xiumin said the words no one wanted to hear, “Keeping them in him is making him sicker. This is doing more harm than good.”

“NO! I can just-”

“He’ll die if you leave them in-”

“He’ll die if I take them out!”

Joy raised her hand, “Maybe you guys could try a Portacaval Shunt. It’ll keep the circulation going and bypass the liver.”

Jisoo shook her head, “That’s just a temporary fix.”

“Anybody got any better ideas?” Xiumin asked.

Everyone shook their heads.

“Then I don’t see what choice we have, Dr. Jisoo.”

“How much time do we have to find him new organs?” Wonwoo asked.

“24 hours,” Jisoo replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A code came from Son Soojin’s room, you ran as fast as you could.

“I don’t feel so good,” Soojin cried.

“I.C.P is critical, we can’t wait anymore we need to get her down to the OR-”

“NO!”

“We need to get you down to surgery,” You said.

“I’m not scared to die. I just don’t want to do it strapped down to a table like an animal,” Soojin begged, “Please, please, please, Dr. Y/n. Let me go.”

Taeyong and Taeyeon ran into the room.

“Push the paralytics! Start bagging her, intubate and get her into the OR. I need another doctor signature on the form,” Taeyong handed you the papers, “Here sign. Sign the form.”

But you couldn’t, you stood there, frozen.

“Y/n, sign the form.”

You stared at the papers but your hands wouldn’t move.

“Y/N! SIGN THE FUCKING FORM!”

Taeyeon grabbed the pen and signed it for you.

“Don’t scrub in,” Taeyong told you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You two are on Woojin all day today,” Jisoo ordered Wonwoo and Joy, “He has no liver or intestine, that means toxins are building up and his brain is gonna swell. We can’t stop it but we’re gonna try like hell to slow it down.”

Joy’s eyelids were fluttering up and down, she hadn’t had much sleep the past few days.

“Joy I need a nod or a yawn or even a burp, something that lets me know that you’re awake and capable of taking care of this child.”

“Yes, sorry, I’m all yours.”

Xiumin walked up to Jisoo.

“Jisoo, how much time do we have left?”

“16 hours at most.”

Wonwoo spoke up, “There’s a liver dialysis machine downstairs, G.I.’s using it for a clinical trial.”

“That may give Woojin a few more hours...maybe,” Xiumin shook his head and left

“Alright then, Joy, put in the I.C.P. monitor and start tracking his intracranial pressures. Wonwoo, get the machine,” Jisoo ordered.

“What is it’s already hooked up to somebody?”

“If that somebody has more than 16 hours to live then we can unhook them,” Joy said.

“I want off this case,” Jisoo said under her breath.

“Dr. Jisoo?” Wonwoo was concerned.

“I want off this case. I want off of- this little boy is gonna die and I don’t want to be there to see it. I don’t want to- I cannot see this. I want off. I want off.”

“Dr. Jisoo, when was the last time you slept?”

Jisoo took a deep breath and shook her head, “No, no, no. I’m okay, really.”

“I think you need 1 or 2 hours of rest.”

“I’m fine. I’m good. Just go get the machine.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Son Soojin had just gotten out of surgery, Taeyong started doing post-op checkups.

“How are you feeling Ms. Soojin?” Taeyong asked.

“Why didn’t you just let me go?”

“You’re not dying here.”

“What are you so scared of Dr. Taeyong?”

Taeyong ignored her, “I.C.P’s are stable, continue neuro exams-”

“Or maybe you know deep down, you’re no better than I am,” Soojin said, “You decide who lives and who dies all the time. For you they call it medicine, not a capital offense.”

“You know what? I don’t get to choose,” Taeyong snapped, “Not me, not you, and certainly not the 7 people you slaughtered. So if I say you’re not gonna die in this hospital, then there is no way in hell I will let you die in this hospital. I am nothing like you.”

He slammed the door behind him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Xiumin paged Wonwoo, he was waiting for him in the hallway.

“Hey, Dr. Xiumin, you paged me-”

“I need you to talk to the nurses,” Xiumin whispered, “Find out if any of their patients on life support are O-positive or brain dead, then crossmatch those folks against Woojin. The kid’s running out of time.”

“Okay.”

“And Wonwoo, be sensitive to their families. We need organs for this boy, but we can only ask. We do not pressure, we do not coerce. Understand?”

“Yes sir.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“It’s getting a little harder to breathe,” Soojin gasped.

“You can stop doing this Soojin,” You said.

“I know. I know.”

“Would you like me to page Dr. Taeyong?”

“He’s your boyfriend isn’t he?”

You didn’t answer.

“He is,” She answered for you, “I had a feeling.”

You turned your back to her and continued with the check up.

“The man has very good taste.”

You gathered up the charts and started heading towards the door.

“Right now, all I can think about are lemons.”

You stopped and turned around, “Lemons?” You ask.

“When my mother was dying, she said she smelled lemons. All she could talk about for 3 day were lemons. I keep waiting to smell them but I don’t,” Soojin sighed, “Then again, she was a compulsive liar.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to page Dr. Taeyong?”

“I’m sure.”

You left the room and continued working on the charts from outside, Taeyeon came up to you with her own charts.

“How’s our serial killer?” She asked, “Are you monitoring her?”

“Yeah. I’ve got it covered.”

Taeyeon stopped writing. Both of you made eye contact, she dropped her pen and ran to Soojin’s room.

“I said I’ve got it covered!”

She opened the door and ran to Soojin, she checked her pupil responses.

“Tell me you paged Taeyong.”

“She gonna die in a few days anyways. If she dies here we can donate her organs to the 10 year old who’s gonna die down the hall. And I know Taeyong wouldn’t let me do this. So no, I didn’t page Taeyong and I hope you won’t too. Please just...let me do this.”

Soojin gasped, “Please….help...I don’t want to die….I want...to live.”

Taeyeon shook her head, “Page Dr. Taeyong right now! Code Blue 4th floor!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Xiumin got a page from Wonwoo.

“Talk to me Wonwoo.”

Wonwoo handed him charts and papers. Xiumin started reading them.

“Oh my god,” he said.

“The guy’s not a donor and they’re about to unplug him.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soojin was stabilized by the three of you. Taeyong was looking over her scans.

“Prep her, I want her in the O.R. in 20 minutes,” He ordered Taeyeon, he turned to you, “You should’ve paged me a long time ago.”

“I was following the patient’s wishes-”

“Patient’s wishes? She doesn’t get wishes. She killed 7 people. She’s been manipulating you ever since she’s got here. She preys on young people.”

“I made a decision as her doctor.”

“It was a bad decision. The wrong decision. You’re gonna scrub in, and you’re gonna try like hell to undo what you did.”

“Why are you so adamant on having her executed?”

Taeyong pulled you out of the room, he pulled you into the elevator and pulled the alarm, stopping it.

“You wanna know why I so pro punishment?”

You nodded.

“When I was 5 years old I watched from under the kitchen counter as some man barged into my house and shot my dad for his watch. I couldn’t go and help him, all I could do is watch. Watch as my dad fell to the ground and the man took and his watch and left. They never caught him. I hope that someday they will, and he will receive the punishment he deserves. But Son Soojin is in here right now, and I hope she gets her punishment for killing those 7 innocent people.”

He pressed the alarm again and the doors opened, he walked out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Play Lost Stars)

“I’m sorry, what do you want?”

Xiumin sighed, “I’m know this is excruciating, but what I want...what I need...are your husband’s organs- his livers and his bowels. He’s a match for--”

“Go away,” the woman said.

“I’m sorry?”

“Please go away. I can’t take anymore. He was healthy, two day ago, he was healthy. He’s my love. And he put his head through a windshield and I have to unplug him. He’s the man who’s supposed to hold my hand when things go bad, he is supposed to be there to help. But he gets to go to heaven, and I can’t take anymore. So please...go away. No more people cutting into him.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You, Taeyong, and Taeyeon were in the O.R. trying the repair the damages to Soojin’s brain. The door opened and Jisoo came in with tears.

“Dr. Taeyong,” Jisoo’s voice cracked.

“Dr. Jisoo.”

“I need y-you...t-to...stop,” She stuttered, “I need you to put down your scalpel. This woman is trying to kill herself and god forgive me, I need you to let her.”

“You need to leave my O.R. Dr. Jisoo.”

“1 day. In 1 day, she going to die, and her organs are going to go with her. They’ll be buried with her body and they’ll rot in the ground and that is a crime. A crime against life. It’s only 1 day. That’s all we’re taking from her and she doesn’t want it anyways.”

“We took an oath Jisoo.”

“I know…” Jisoo voice quivered, “I know we took an oath. But right now that oath makes no sense. So just stop. Just stop. Please. Don’t do anything else for this woman.”

“If I stop this surgery, it’s the equivalent of me sticking this scalpel into her brain, is that what you want?”

“Yes.”

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Taeyeon looked at the brain, “She’s hemorrhaging through her craniectomy. Should I at least put in a subdural drain?”

“That’s up to Dr. Jisoo,” Taeyong said.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

“Dr. Jisoo, should I put in a drain?” Taeyeon asked.

“No.”

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Taeyeon shook her head, “There’s too much bleeding we should do something-”

“I am aware of that, Dr. Taeyeon,” Taeyong put down his scalpel, “It’s your call Jisoo. Am I an executioner or am I a surgeon?”

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

“Pick up the scalpel,” Jisoo left the room.

You, Taeyong, and Taeyeon continued with the surgery.

“Do you see any bleeders?” He asked you.

“The field is clear.”

He looked at you, you did the same.

“Good job, Dr. Y/n,” He said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Xiumin walked back to the room.

“He can’t take his liver with him to heaven, or his bowels or his kidneys. His brain is gone, but those organs are probably good because he’s a young man,” Xiumin said, “I know this is not what you want to think about, it’s more than anyone should ever have to think about. But he can’t take his organs with him So please. Please. Please let us have his organs, so that he can give someone their life.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m alive,” Soojin whispered.

“Yes, you are,” You said.

“I was playing you, your boyfriend was right,” She admitted, “I wanted to destroy your career. And I wanted to be here to see the fallout.”

“You were scared Soojin. Death is scary.”

“It would be really good to have a friendly face in the crowd, you know...when they kill me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jisoo sat in Woojin’s room, monitoring everything. Joy walked in and crouched down next to her.

“You need to get some sleep Dr. Jisoo, you’re exhausted, you’re worn out. Get some rest, please,” Joy whispered, “I think it’s time Dr. Jisoo.”

Tears started forming in her eyes, “Call her in here.”

Joy left the room and brought back Woojin’s mother.

“It’s time to hold him,” Jisoo sighed, “He’s going, Soojung, and you need to help him go. Peacefully, in his mother’s arms.”

She walked over to the bed where Woojin layed there, she embraced him.

“It’s okay baby. You can go,” She stroked his head, “Mommy will be okay, you can go. It’s okay, I won’t be mad. Woojin, you can go. It’s okay. You can go. It’s okay.”

Xiumin and Wonwoo ran into the room.

“WE HAVE ORGANS!” They both yell.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Everyone’s head turned towards them.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

“We have organs! Get him to O.R. 3, NOW!” Xiumin yelled.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Jisoo ran to Woojin, prying his mother off him, “Starting C.P.R now.”

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Xiumin grabbed the crash cart, “Push .35 of epi!”

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

“Get me a bicarb!” Joy yelled.

They all rushed Woojin to the O.R.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s time, Son Soojin’s execution date was today. The sound of chains clanking against ground filled the dark room. The guards guided her to the table, she took a look around the audience until her eyes met yours. She slightly smiled at you before being pushed and strapped down onto the table, chains still wrapped around her limbs.

Needles were stuck into her arms as her head turned to look at the crowd. The buzzers start blaring, Soojin turned her head back to see the ceiling.

“Huh, lemons. My mother wasn’t lying after all,” Soojin whispered to herself.

The drugs were pushed into Soojin’s body, her limbs becoming relaxed, her eyelids fluttering up and down. He soul was slowly leaving her body, leaving her eyes. You’ve seen that look far too many times before. You couldn’t take it anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Woojin had just gotten out of surgery, everyone’s waiting for him to wake up, unsure if they got the organs in time.

Jisoo and Xiumin stood outside, looking at Woojin’s mother alseep next to her son.

“I crossed a line today,” Jisoo said.

“I did too.” Xiumin sighed.

“Woojin?”

Jisoo and Xiumin looked into the room. Woojin’s eyes started slowly opening.

“Can I have some water?” He asked.

His mother smiled at Jisoo and Xiumin and pulled her son into an embrace. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Play I Love You)

The guards opened the gates for you. Across the street, you spot Taeyong next to his car, his arms in his pockets, waiting for you. You walked over to him, puffy eyed, as if you’ve been crying for months. You crossed your arms, he looked at you, and you him.

You sighed, “I know you probably think I’m crazy for doing this. Hell, I think I’m crazy for doing this. But I just wanted to show her compassion, that’s why I went,” Tears fell down your face, “But it was so horrible. It was so fucking horrible!”

Taeyong pulled you into his arms and embraced you, “It’s okay.”

He drove you back to your house, the ride there was mostly silent. You looked at the outside the window, the sky tonight was not beautiful, it was not full of stars, today it was cloudy, as if it were going to rain.

You spoke first, “I can’t…”

“What?”

“I can’t seem to remember our last kiss.”

He didn’t talk to you the rest of the car ride. The two of you reached your house. He opened the door for you and started walking you to the door. You opened your door and walked inside, he started walking back towards his car when he turned around.

He looked at you and smiled, “Last Wednesday, in the elevator.”

“What?”

“You and I both just got out of surgery, it was 4:30 in the morning and we hadn’t been able to see each other for 2 days. We were both exhausted because we had back-to-back surgeries. And I just couldn’t bear another 7 hours without kissing you, so in that moment, I pulled the elevator alarm, and we both had 5 minutes of weakness. That was our last kiss. Last Wednesday, in the elevator.”

------------

“The secret to remembering someone, is to care” - Keith Ferrazzi

[monsterinamusicbox]

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Hi, I’m Ele! I’ve been writing Jemma since season 2 on whydoyouthinkileft and shewassoferal. For anyone who doesn’t know me I’m super friendly, just very tired from my chronic illnesses, so don’t let the ‘darkness’ of this au fool you into being intimidated, I get overexcited when asked to plot. More about me: I’m a cis woman born in '89, aro-ace, and Italian (and I write too much to make sure what I say is clear) living in Italy and therefore timezones are a pain.  

sideblog

I will follow back from thecharmingknightemma, as soon as we are mutuals you are more than welcome to start interacting because I’m always enthusiastic about writing. I stopped watching after s5 and I prefer not to keep myself in touch, I did not like season 5 in particular either but I watched so I will at least know what you are talking about and be able to plot something around it, but remember this Jemma left either in s2 or s3 and not in friendly terms with everyone so at best she'd be an outsider stopping by for five minutes.

What is this blog about

Canon divergent mutuals only, crossovers-friendly blog, where Jemma’s character snaps and goes grey-dark around s2 and leaves mid-season 3. At times she might seem ooc but everything is planned and explained, and keep in mind that depending on when you meet her, she might also be exaggerating some traits to play a character that sort of subconsciously confirms the worst things she thinks about herself. 

Disclaimer because this blog is easy to misunderstand

The most important disclaimer especially if you write an aos character or love the team: everything I write is from Jemma’s point of view and she can be unfair (and your character can fight back) while at times she'll just be defending herself. It’s not ME bashing the team through a blog. It’s a what if plot I wanted to explore, a potential path she could have taken if her guilt, PTSD, self-hatred and vengeful spirit had pushed her to stop repressing everything and pretending she was okay, but still not picking a healthy option. The metaphorical music box where she puts all her traumas and anger and troubles since she was a kid has broken, and everything is trying to come out. 

This means I actually hope I’ll get to rp with aos characters and fix things after the angst because this is all for fun, not to bash people especially people whose motivations I understood. It's about the angst/hurt-comfort of interacting with a 'former friend’ when she's either willing to do unspeakable things to rescue your character (she didn’t even blink over pulverizing a man with a splinter bomb) or having her show her genius-level perfect memory when she brings up everything unfair or painful that has been said about her. And have yours give their own version of it back, of course.

In universe interactions.

Depending on the timeline, she’s either with the team and pissed (see bio) or she has left and sometimes crosses paths with them again, especially if she has learned they are in trouble because she can't resist helping. If she's interacting with people who aren’t characters of AoS it's after she has left SHIELD and has spent time being a vigilante. If you are not someone she sees as an enemy or 'ex' friend, she won't be straight up rude, though she's not a ray of sunshine either. It depends on the circumstances.

Activity

Low activity, probably. It could be high if requested to be, but the aos fandom is not that popular anymore so it depends on my rp partners' activity. Basically if you want to write, I’m very much here even if you don’t see me!

reblog karma

I try to reblog from the source and/or send memes, but I prefer to get memes only if you want to turn them into threads.

ships and nsfw

nsfw will happen but only with people I’m comfortable with - she’s very sexual (and kinky) but I’ll fade to black or assume they have had sex if we write that sort of thing and aren’t close. Jemma is straight and I ship easily (but it will be less easy with Fitz given the backstory here, they need to fix things first and also to be compatible when we write them together), she has no experience with romance, just one night stands and a 'friends with benefit' situation with Will, and now more than ever she'd be at loss in that area. 

Triggering themes

Triggers are tagged as 'name of the trigger tw'. This is AoS and Jemma Simmons so there are recurrent themes: PTSD, violence (I'd tag torture but not regular fights, however I'd skip those if they make you uncomfortable, communication is the key), she was sort of suicidal for a while but now it's more of a 'being okay if she dies but not trying to go there because she has too much left to do, even if she's not too happy to be alive' situation. If you are uncomfortable with some themes let me know and I'll work around it, especially the times she's back to at least wishing she was dead because it's easy to have things take a different turn there - but when it comes to her having PTSD symptoms and/or having a distorted vision of herself, that's sadly the entire point of the blog at least until in threads she gets better so it won't have a 'trigger warning' or every post would need to be tagged with it. I won't write miscarriages, abusive relationships between our characters, and if possible I'll ask you to please tag your daddy kink mentions and jokes.

In my opinion - section:

I don't like where the show went with Jemma, and if we write FitzSimmons together it will not be like in the show even when Jemma feels better, but like I said that doesn't mean I don't understand where characters are coming from and saying Jemma is perfect, far from that. I stopped watching AoS after season 5. And Jemma’s big special thing beside being a genius and willing to kill people since literally episode 1 was that she’s the kind of woman who is accidentally creepy when speaking of dissecting a living alien to find out how old he is, that she’s not that good at interacting with people (which doesn't make her evil, just awkward), she’s very literal, she has burst of knowledge about whatever she has read even once ten years ago, she can be petty and mean but at first glance especially in season 1 you just see a polite nice lady, she says she wants to follow the rules but breaks them whenever she feels is needed, she’s not the best at comforting people, she’s definitely not the type of character who can be someone’s therapist even on a good day, she can try to listen and try comfort but due to her extreme guilt when she can’t help she cannot become your character’s hope and peptalker especially if it doesn't work quickly.

Thank you all for reading this! If you have any questions my askbox is open!