#stopped a war and that sort of pish; you know how it is

[invinciblerodent]

i decided to play just a tiny bit of my Inquisitor-as-Tav game I had lined up, and I just.... god, i love this old man

he looks so tired, and kindly, and he's a good head taller than everyone

Lae'zel is so damn tiny next to him, I think he needs to pat her head very sweetly (and then succeed a DC18 dex save to avoid getting his fingers bitten off) (it'll be worth it though, maybe it'll calm her down)

[late-to-the-party-81]

Holly, ivy and my best friend's brother

AN: Here’s a little (late) festive drabble for dear @chrisdrysdale as part of the Thot Neighbourhood’s Tis the Season to be Thot-y gift exchange.

Beta'd by @lunarbuck and dividers by @firefly-graphics

Masterlist

Relationship: Pre-war Bucky x Reader (Becca’s best friend)

WC: 1k

CW: Fluff, mutual pining, minor angst, first kiss, minor innuendo

“Bunny! Get down from there!” 

The ladder wobbled under your feet as you reached up to try and hang the garland of greenery. It suddenly stilled, and without looking, you knew who to thank.

“Thank you, Bucky.” Your tongue crept out of your mouth as you leaned over a bit more, confident that the ladder was more secure now, with your best friend Becca’s older brother hanging onto it. 

With a small cry of success, the hanging loop on the back of the garland caught on the nail on the wall, and you started your careful descent. Two steps from the bottom and you felt Bucky’s warm and work-roughened hands settle on your waist, practically lifting you off and placing you on terra-firma. You tried to think chaste thoughts; he was off limits after all.

“What were you doing up there? You shoulda got me to do the climbing, Bun-bun.”

“Oh, pish, Bucky Barnes. If you know me at all, and you know me plenty, then you know that I’m not one of those who gets a man to do things just for the sake of appearing like a lady. If I can do it myself, I’ll do it myself.”

“You’ll get your neck broken, that’s what you’ll do, and then I won’t hear the end of it from Becca.”

You, Becca, and Bucky were busy decorating the community hall for the upcoming Christmas festivities. You and Becca had volunteered, and Winifred Barnes had insisted that Bucky accompany you to do any of the ‘heavy lifting’. The local ladies social group had put together lots of garlands and swags over the last couple of days, and they just needed to be mounted up on the walls and across the beams. Unfortunately, you, well Bucky actually, had run out of nails, so Becca had volunteered to go down to the hardware store and see if she could sweet talk young Joe behind the counter to let her have a few. You were well aware that she’d be more than happy to pay with a kiss if she had to.

But that had left you and Bucky here by yourselves, sorting out what you could while you waited. It shouldn’t have been a problem; you’d known each other for years as you’d made the Barnes household your second home. It was him who’d given you your nickname as well, for how scared you’d looked on your first visit to their noisy home. Unfortunately though, Bucky had grown from being your friend’s annoying older brother into your friend’s extremely attractive and charming older brother.

Whenever he was close to you or turned his swoon-inducing smile toward you, you just wanted a hole to open up and swallow you whole because you were so far out of his league it hurt. He had all the girls lining up for their chance to step out with him, and he always picked the pretty ones, the ones with the nice dresses, the beautiful haircuts. The ones who looked down on you, despite your closeness to the young man they all admired. Or maybe because of it? Either way, Bucky never looked at you in the way you wished he would. He thought of you as just another sister.

“So you wouldn’t miss me then?” You kept your tone light and playful, despite the ache deep in your chest. In two steps he was by your side, arm slung over your shoulder. 

“Of course I’d miss my best girl.”

Your heart lurched, but you kept your smile on your face and gave him a friendly shove. He didn’t budge though, and just pouted.

“Don’t be mean, Bunny, or you won’t get one of the candy canes I’ve got in my pocket.”

“Then stop with the idle flattery. Best girl, indeed.”

“But it’s not idle flattery if I mean it. And I do mean it, Bunny.”

Your smile dropped, and you pushed away harder, escaping his hug this time. You took a step away and wrapped your arms around yourself.

“You can’t say things like that to me, Bucky. It’s not fair. I’m not one of your pretty conquests.” Your voice trembled with the effort of not letting your emotions overrun you.

The next moment, he was behind you, enfolding you in his arms. You thought your heart was going to jump out of your throat. You could smell him, a mixture of hair pomade, simple soap, and his own earthy muskiness. You could also feel how the energy in the room had changed from the usual playfulness that was between you and Bucky to something else entirely.

“No, you’re not. And I’d never treat you like one of them either. You’re too precious to me, Bun.”

“Stop playin’ with me. Please don’t break my heart like this.” Your eyes were burning. Why was he doing this to you? And why couldn’t you just break free and walk away? “You’re a cruel man, James Barnes. It’s bad enough that you figure out how I feel, but to then make fun of me…”

“I’m not making fun. I’m trying to tell you…”

“Tell me what?”

He spun you in his arms so you were face to face. You wobbled with the momentum and reached out for stability to find your hands fisted in his shirt. You were almost nose to nose, your mouths closer than you’d ever hoped for.

“That you’re so special. So kind and caring and beautiful. And far too good for me. I’ve tried to keep my distance. You’re Becca’s friend, and I should think of you like a sister, but god help me, I can’t. I live for seeing you smile, hearing you laugh. I love you, Bunny.”

The small space between you finally closed, and his lips were on yours, soft and sweet. It only lasted a few moments, but when he pulled away, he rested his forehead against yours.

“I love you.” 

“I love you too, Bucky. But I gotta ask, is that really a candy cane in your pocket?”

But Bucky just chuckled and kissed you again.

Tag list: @jobean12-blog @bucky-bucky-bucky-bucky @tuiccim @yarnforbrains @sidepartskinnyjeans @flordeamatista @krissy25 @bodeckersdiamonddoll @goldylions @luxeavenger @wheezy-stucky @doasyoudesireandlive @chemtrails-club @seitmai @talia-rumlow @poppunksnowwhite @pono-pura-vida

[sassy-pelican]

Curse Words

Pairing: 40s!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Premise: You and Bucky meet under very sarcastic circumstances.

Warnings: language, fluff, humor, a lot of nothing

A/N: I was casually scrolling through my dash and then this post popped up and all I could think about was writing something similar for Bucky. So, thank you random persons (@psychoticpingouins - won’t let me tag) grandparents, your actual life experiences have inspired me to write fake life experiences. This is also an AU in the sense that Steve and Bucky both came home from WWII in the 40s. Angie is the same Angie from Agent Carter.

~

It was unfortunately a normal day for you. Men looking down at you simply because you were a woman who didn’t get their food to them fast enough. Time and time again you and Angie grumbled over the sorry excuses for humans that graced you throughout the day. Time and time again you wondered if you should take up Peggy’s offer to join her office. Although, from the second-hand stories you heard from Angie, Peggy didn’t fair much better than you.

Perhaps it was the fact that your boss continued to harp on you about gaining weight, saying that they didn’t supply uniforms any larger. Maybe it was lousy tips you’ve been getting simply because the cook couldn’t cook fast enough. It could even be the fact that you spilled someone’s entire meal down your front when an arrogant customer rammed into you. However, by now, even at only seven, you were ready to crawl into bed and have a black hole swallow you whole.

“I know it sucks but you have to keep tryin’, otherwise you couldn’t afford to live,” Angie says as the two of you walk back to your apartment.

“You didn’t get all the sleaze balls today,” you comment. “Besides, you complain just as much as I do on the bad days.”

“I’m an actress, meant to be on Broadway, I’m overly dramatic. You,” she says, looking you up and down, “are a hot mess.”

You don’t even bother responding, only give her a scalding glare. “Why am I friends with you again?”

“Because I’m the only gal you didn’t scare away with that mouth of yours.”

“Oh,” you feign surprise, “you mean to tell me the other waitresses can’t handle a little cursing.”

“Not the way you do it,” she smiles.

“My ma cursed just as much as I do, I got it honest.”

“At least Peg don’t curse as much, she has the sense to keep it quiet.”

“You think your Peggy doesn’t curse? She spent the war with hundreds of men who sound far worse than me, she picked up a few things.”

“Oh! Pish,” she says, waving you off. Devilishly, you smirk.

“Can’t handle a few assholes, bitches, cunts, bastards? Not even a few shits and hells?” The more you mock her the bigger her smiles gets. “Oh-” you heel slips on a paver and before you know it it’s broke, “oh fuck me.”

“At least let me buy you dinner first!” However perfect the timing for that comment was, you don’t have the slightest idea who the man was who said it.

“Excuse you?”

“I said, at least let me buy you dinner first,” he says, and as he comes closer you can make out the day-old stubble and blueness of his eyes.

“Awfully presumptuous of you,” you reply. “Maybe I don’t want to go to dinner with you at all, nor fuck you for that matter.”

“Y/N!” Angie scolds, hitting your arm.

“So that’s your name? Y/N, pretty.”

“Do I get your name?”

“Bucky Barnes,” he says, “at your service.”

“You’re Steve’s best friend!” The words are out of your mouth before you can stop them.

“You know Stevie?”

“Not really, Peggy just likes to talk about him and his imbecile of a friend when she visits the diner.”

“Must be talking about Dugan then,” he says.

“No, she mentions you by name,” you smile.

“Would like to go to dinner with me sometime?” Bucky asks, Angie looking frantically between the two of you, hopeful.

“Ask me again in ten days and we’ll see,” you reply, his smile not dropping.

“Deal.”

 10 Days Later

You can practically feel him when he walks in, his presence huge in the relatively empty space. Although, you could kill him for coming in this early in the day. Not that you expected anything different, he’s been coming in every morning for breakfast since that night. It’s not helping his cause.

“Hello darlin’,” he says, smiling as he takes a seat.

“Hello Bucky,” you reply, “same as yesterday?”

“Nah, I think I’ll have pancakes today, give myself a treat.”

“Celebrating something are you?”

“Maybe,” he says, looking you in the eye.

“I haven’t said yes yet.”

“Please,” he smiles.

“Your pancakes will be cold if you keep this up.”

“Oh, come on sugar,” he please. You roll your eyes and slap the back of his head with your notepad, cringing when you realize that Frank is here today.

“Y/N!” Frank yells from the back. “No assaulting customers!”

“Yes Frank,” you say, dropping your shoulders. You see his head peak out from the kitchen window as you turn.

“And for God sake’s girl, suck it in. I can’t have fat waitresses at my diner, it’s bad for business.”

“Jesus,” Bucky mutters. “Does he do that all the time.”

“Yes.”

“Well don’t just stand there givin’ doe eyes to every man! Get to work!” You know it isn’t right, but at this point, you’re far more used to it than not. Unfortunately, Bucky never got the chance to meet the wonderful Frank.

“What’s she done to you?” Bucky asks, loud enough that Frank can hear him clearly.

“And what’s your problem boy, the little shank getting on your nerves?”

“You are,” he seethes. If it were possible, you could swear you were seeing steam come off him. “You should treat your waitress better.”

“She’s my waitress, I’ll treat her as I damn well please.”

“Bucky,” you plead.

“She’s a woman! She deserves some respect.”

Without a word you throw your apron on the nearest chair and walk out the back. “I’m going for a smoke,” you lie, “Angie cover for me a minute.”

Everyone knows damn well you don’t smoke, but no one dares correct you at this point. Only Angie knows what you really do; you go out there and cry. The cold brick doesn’t help you this time, it only makes you feel worse. Still, the tears come in droves. If you didn’t need the job so bad, you’d quit on the spot, but Ange was right, you need the money.

“Y/N,” Bucky whispers as he clothes the back door. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not you,” you reassure. “I just, I hate this place. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done and all I get for hard work is shit on.”

“Then quit,” he says.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I need the money Bucky!” He suddenly seems to realize just how upset you really are.

“How often do you come out here?”

“About every three days, it’s a guarantee when Frank’s here.”

“Quit,” he says. “Come stay with me. I’ve got an extra bed I can pull out.”

“No.”

“Set up a meeting with Peggy and you can stay with me while you get it sorted out.”

“Bucky I can’t.”

“Why not?” He genuinely sounds baffled.

“Can you imagine how I’d look! I’m already hated for not fitting in and now I’m moving in with a man I’ve known for ten days! Bucky I’d be labeled a harlot.”

“Oh, fuck them!” he shouts. “We know what happens behind closed doors, as do the people you care about. That’s all the matters.”

“Bucky,” you start only to have him stop you.

“Let me take you on a date tonight, you can come back to mine and check it out then decide, okay?”

“Okay.”

 1 Year Later

The smell is heavenly when you open the door, just the thing you needed after today. “You know,” you say slipping off the shoes that are currently cutting off circulation to your toes, “you didn’t tell me you could cook when I moved in.”

“A man never reveals all his secrets on the first date darlin’,” Bucky says from the kitchen. Making your way over to him, you place a kiss on the side of his neck. “How was Peggy today?”

“Same as always,” you say. “Harping on about Steve and his stupidity. Although, the job of ordering men around suits her.”

“I’m sure it does you too,” he mocks.

“Right, because that’s what I do.”

“Sweetheart, you’re the analyst. Peggy asks you to look at cases and tell everyone the most likely scenarios and how to proceed before she makes a decision. It’s your job to boss people around.”

“I suppose,” you smile. “Whatcha cooking?”

“Nothing special, just some grilled cheese.”

“You bastard! That’s what I was gonna fix tomorrow.”

“We could always go out,” he suggests.

“We sure as hell are now, I was plannin’ on fixin’ that for days.”

Quickly he turns and slips his arms around you, hands resting on your ass. “Such a shame.”

“You are something else Bucky,” you joke.

“I’m your something else,” he says, squeezing his hands and dropping his lips down yours in a frenzy. It’s all tongue and teeth, your hands grabbing at his shirt as his slip up your sides, bringing your skirt and blouse with them.

The slow movement backward into the counter has you gasping, enough that he slips more of his tongue in your mouth, devouring you with everything he has. Jumping up, your ass hits the cold counter as he trails kisses down your neck.

A hiss and a burning smell knock you out of your lust induced haze. “Bucky,” you moan. “The soup.”

“Dammit,” he yells, pulling away to clean up the ruined dinner. “How about we go out tonight instead?”

“Sounds good to me.”

[hdgaywriting]

Eighth Year - Drarry Fic

Part One:

           Harry woke up to the smell of bacon and the soft coos of Pigwidgeon. It had been months now that he could wake up relaxed, easing into the routine of the Weasleys. After all he'd been through, the consistency felt nice. He stretched his arms and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before putting on his glasses and blinking the world into a sharp image. Glancing around the room, he noticed that Ron was already awake, given his bed was an empty lump of sheets. This was the first time all summer that Ron had gotten up before Harry, and he suspected it was due to the occasion – their return to Hogwarts.

Harry and his best friends had honestly not been anticipating living through the war, but eventually they stopped being able to dodge the question of what comes next. Harry had immediately been offered a job as an auror following Voldemort's downfall, and Ron thought he was going to land some job at the Ministry. It was Hermione that proposed the trio go back to schooling.

"If you think about it, we've only completed six years," she'd said. The two boys, her boys, were still in a post-war stupor then, not willing to dwell on their days at Hogwarts quite yet.

"Hermione," Ron said, through a mouthful of lunch, "we're 18 now. We're too old for Hogwarts. Besides, what can they teach us that we don't already know?"

"Lots of things, Ronald," Hermione said with a stubborn edge in her voice. "After all the insanity that happened, we deserve a chance to be normal students." She looked at Harry for defense, but he was too stunned with the flood of emotion to say anything, so she continued. "Refinement. New spells. New potions. You're never too old to learn. Besides, after Voldemort's downfall, they're bound to teach students differently. The whole curriculum will be different and I don't want to miss out!"

Harry's breath hitched imperceptibly when Hermione said Voldemort's name. Not because he was scared – he hadn't been scared of saying Voldemort's name in years – but because Hermione said it so boldly. In a way, it was comforting. It served as another reminder that he really was gone.

When he looked up, he caught Hermione's gaze. She had a sparkle in her eye talking about Hogwarts and the idea of going back. He mulled over the thought of an eighth year, and after a bit of a back and forth with Ron, they eventually had decided to enroll at Hogwarts one last time.

He walked into the bright kitchen as he did every morning. Ginny walked over to Harry and pecked him on the cheek. "Morning sweetheart," she sang. Ginny was offended when Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had asked her if she'd be returning. She practically yelled that obviously she was, then insisted the conversation end there. That was something that always impressed Harry about his fiery girlfriend – her unabashed way of standing up for herself. It was a skill she grew into over the past few years, and it made Harry's heart skip a beat every time she'd stride over to him and grab him boldly by the shoulders to plant a kiss on his mouth.

Ron was sitting on the counter, leaning his chin onto Hermione's head, who was standing between his legs. His hands carelessly rested at her hip. When Hermione lifted her gaze from the morning's issue of The Daily Prophet, she gave Harry a soft smile.

"Oy, Harry!" Ron exclaimed with a bit of devilish excitement. "We made the paper!"

Harry looked surprise, and grabbed it from Hermione's hands.

"Hey!" she quipped.

"Sorry," Harry muttered as he thumbed through the black and white pages and moving pictures. He came across the article Ron was talking about. Golden Trio Start Final Term at Hogwarts – Again! the paper read. Harry rolled his eyes. He shoved the paper back at Hermione and sat down, not wanting to read what it said. He had hoped that defeating Voldemort would be the end to his fame. He thought he'd be able to settle down with Ginny and live a nice life in peace.

"The Golden Trio," Harry said, "I mean, c'mon." The nickname referred to him, Hermione, and Ron, and was becoming a popular phrase around Britain.

"At least they're finally getting recognition," he heard Ginny lament. And he knew she was right. For so long it had been Harry vs. the world, so some solidarity felt nice.

"It's just cheesy," he said as he chomped on a piece of bacon.

Harry watched different Weasleys float in and out of the kitchen as the morning progressed. He was definitely going to miss it here. The Weasleys were the family he never had but always wanted. The way they absorbed and protected people like him and Hermione was what made them some of his favorite people. All summer he'd gotten to know the eldest Weasley children, too. Bill, and his wife Fleur decided to travel around the world for a while after the Battle of Hogwarts, and in-between each trip they'd spend a couple weeks with their family. Charlie moved back home for a while too, before agreeing (or being bullied into) getting a flat with Percy. But Percy had proved to be so insufferable, that Charlie visited enough to make it seem as if he'd never left. He'd come in, flopping onto the couch and complaining about "our tight-ass prat of a brother, lecturing me about chores and informing me about the inner-workings of the Ministry."

It was hard for Charlie to walk back into life at the Weasleys because he'd been in Romania so long. Charlie was an independent. He refused to be reined in. He wore all black all the time, painted his nails, and sometimes sported a dangly earring. He'd even had a secret tattoo on his back of a dragon breathing fire. It was charmed so that the dragon flew around between his shoulder blades.

But besides the commentary on his style choices, Charlie struggled with Percy's betrayal and Fred's death. They all did, of course, but besides George and Mrs. Weasley, Charlie seemed to have the most grief. He wished he had never gone to Romania, he confessed to Harry one night when he was wine drunk. Harry told him he didn't mean it, but Charlie insisted and tears welled in his eyes. That was the first time Harry had ever thought any boy was pretty. The way the grief bubbled up into his face like a delicate thing Charlie wasn't used to after having spent so long with gritty dragons stood out.

It was with Charlie that Harry opened up to about his nerves returning to Hogwarts. About how sad it made him, in a way. It wasn't the Hogwarts he fell in love with at age 11. This was a post-war Hogwarts, where Dumbledore and Snape and Lupin and Fred would never step foot in again. It's where he faced Voldemort for the last time, and where so many people had died. He wanted so desperately to relive the magic of boating across the lake and McGonagall smiling at him when he'd been sorted Gryffindor. He wanted the stupid late-night adventures with Ron and Hermione. He wanted the Hogwarts that didn't put him in peril.

McGonagall was now the headmaster, and it was she who permitted the Golden Trio to return for a final year. She said it was her duty as an educator to allow them the full extent of a Hogwarts Education, but Harry suspected she'd had a soft spot for them. When Hermione sent her an owl, she'd told McGonagall that the three of them needed accommodations of sorts, since they would not be the typical students. McGonagall's reply came the next day. She was in agreement that matriculation would be different, and that they could expect any resources for maintaining optimal mental health, first pick of class schedule, access to a special dormitory that was being built for eighth year students, and the promise to negotiate any other contingencies. She also offered them enrollment in a new class taught by an incoming professor for those with advanced skill in combative magic and magical defense. She included that what they should NOT expect was leniency in grading, pity, special privileges, or any other pish posh of the sort.

Ron and Harry were immediately thrilled, but Hermione pouted.

"I'm writing back," she had said.

"Why?" Harry questioned as she furiously scribbled with a fresh quill.

"Because I want to be re-instated as Head Girl," Hermione said, "and I want access to the restricted section of the library."

Ron laughed warmly from his chest. "Tell her, love." In the end, Hermione (mostly) got her way. McGonagall said that she could co-Head Girl, but giving her the sole title would be unfair to the incoming student. Additionally, the restricted section of the library would soon be rid of all dangerous dark magic books and then open to all students with approval from the librarian.

It seemed so soon after Harry's discovery of the headline of the news that Mr. and Mrs. Weasley came bustling into the room saying that it was time for them to get going to King's Cross. The lot of them set off in just as much of a messy haste as ever.

Walking into King's Cross was surreal. Arthur and Molly were the first to press through the brick wall to get to Platform 9 and three quarters. Following them was Charlie, followed closely by Percy, then Ron and Hermione. Harry stood with Ginny's hand wrapped in his. He absentmindedly rubbed his thumb against her fingers.

"Ready for the Hogwarts Express?" Ginny said, eyes twinkling. Harry raised her hand to his lips and kissed it before saying of course. Ginny rushed through with zero fear. She disappeared in a flash of red hair.

After Harry dipped through he found the platform to be more familiar than he thought it would be. The dozens of families wrapping their kids in their arms made him smile almost as much as the youngins waving with their heads poking out through the windows. In a way he felt too old to be going back to school, but in a different, more prominent way, he felt the excitement and potential of Hogwarts filling him.

The train was smooth as it started speeding down the tracks. Ginny was waving goodbye to her brothers and parents, and Ron and Hermione were talking in quiet voices. Harry didn't want to interrupt, so he decided after a while to go explore the cabins and search for some familiar faces. Now that he thought about it, he realized all summer he'd just assumed he and his best friends were the only eighth years returning to Hogwarts, but he didn't actually know.

Before long he had traipsed up and down several cabins, seeing nobody from his original class. He was about to give up when a long shimmer of blonde, wavy hair caught his attention. He rushed up to the girl and plopped down in front of her.

"Oh, hello, Harry," Luna said in a sweet voice. "How are you?" She spoke softly just as she always had, like nothing changed.

"I'm fine, Luna, and you?" He paused for a moment before continuing. "It is so good to see you. Hermione and Ron are here as well."

She smiled widely. "That's lovely!" she said. "Are you lot staying in the new dormitory? It's a small one near where the bridge used to be. You know, the one Seamus blew up?" her wide eyes bore into him. Harry had a painful jolt when she talked about the destruction from the Battle of Hogwarts, but nodded and smiled through it.

"Oy, is Neville here?" he said.

"No," Luna said nonchalantly. "He's been given a job at a magical plant greenhouse. He really loves it. He brings my dad and me organic dirigible fruit and all sorts of magical plants to snack on. He says the mulch helps his head stay clear." The way Luna talked was as if she was reporting information. Which made sense, Harry thought, consider her dad was a journalist with his own magazine. "Harry," Luna said, snapping him out of his thoughts, "remember to sweep for nargles. They've really been prominent this year." She flipped her pink and blue glasses down from her forehead and gave him another wide smile.

"Sure thing, Luna" Harry said as he stood up. "We'll get lunch sometime." His mind was still with Luna when he ran into the last person he wanted to see.

Draco Malfoy was staring Harry down.

[askkrenko]

Magic Story Abridged: Limited Time Offer

(Episode 7; Battle for Zendikar Episode 1; Original Stories HERE and HERE )

When Gideon Jura wields his swift sural All those who chose to oppose his sural fall When there’s crime to thwart or a war to fight You can count on the man who is mono-white When Gideon Jura wields his swift sural.

Art by Dan Scott

PRESENT DAY ZENDIKAR

(We open on Kytheon Iora, now a man, fighting a number of Eldrazi spawn. In the background, a group of Kor, Humans, Elves, and Goblins watch patiently.)

Munda, a large, muscular Kor: (Quietly, to the others in his group) ...Here we see a wild Gideon Jura, latin name Kytheon Iora, taking down its prey. Though the beasts are larger and more powerful than he, his glowing golden aura protects him from all known forms of attack. His Sural, also known as an Urumi or Whip-Blade, can cut through the flesh of even the toughest of Eldrazi, though it may take many such blows to cause one to fall. Though Eldrazi meat is inedible, this kill with give the Gideon great renown. If the hunt is successful, he will not have difficulty finding a mate this season.

Kytheon, now going by Gideon full time: (Calling over) I know you’re there, Munda! Are you going to lend a hand or not?

Munda: You’re doing fine, bro! They can’t even scratch you!

Gideon: I’d still like to finish up sometime today!

Munda: Fine, fine! Everyone, attack!

(Munda and his party help Gideon dispatch the Eldrazi.)

Gideon: Really wished you’d shown up earlier. I’ve been fighting those things for hours. Literally hours.

Munda: Sorry, bro, but we just came from our own fights. Bala Ged’s overrun. Gone the way of Sejiri. Everyone’s running to Sea Gate, but who knows if we can hold that.

Gideon: Sea Gate… Right… I’ll meet you there. Right now I need to… go place.

Munda: You need to sleep. Maybe have something to eat. You look exhausted.

Gideon: Can’t. Gotta be at work in an hour.

Munda: What work? We’re in an apocalyptic situation and all society in that general direction has collapsed.

Gideon: Well, the thing about that is THERE’S A BALOTH BEHIND YOU!

Munda: Wha-

(Gideon planeswalks away.)

Art by Richard Wright

THE MILLENNIAL RAVNICA

(Gideon bursts into the Millennial, one of the finest, most expensive restaurants in the entire city-plane of Ravnica. He’s still covered in dirt and Eldrazi ichor.)

Maitre’d: Sir, you can’t just-

Gideon: (Flashes a badge) Official Boros business, stand aside, civilian.

(Gideon marches up to a table full of finely dressed goblins)

Krenko, the devilishly handsome goblin leader in a homemade crown: Can I help you, officer?

Gideon: You’re under arrest for arson and six counts of murder… And that’s just today.

Krenko: Sorry, officer, but this crown means I don’t have to listen to you.

Gideon: And why is that?

Krenko: Because it’s made of knives.

Gideon: (Sigh)

Art by Richard Wright

A BOROS GARRISON RAVNICA

Dars, a real, actual Boros Soldier: Great work as always, Jura!

Gideon: (heavy breathing) Thanks. I try.

Krenko, in cuffs, covered in blood: Seemed a bit unprofessional if you ask me.

Dars: We don’t. You’re going straight into lockup… After medical care, of course.

Gideon: He’s fine… The blood’s mine.

Dars: Aren’t you invincible?

Gideon: I’d thought so...

Dars: Then how…

Gideon: Krenko must’ve been tougher than the other criminals I’ve fought… and the Eldrazi… and that vampire… and the pyromancer… and the titan… and Erebos, God of the Dead.

Dars: He must be as powerful as he is handsome.

Gideon: He is very handsome.

Real, actual photograph by Empire State Photography Also Karl Kopinski  and Winona Nelson

(STRANGE OBJECT THROWN THROUGH THE WINDOW!)

Dars: IT’S A BOMB!

Gideon: It’s a letter.

Dars: A letter bomb?

Gideon: It’s from Rikkig and Gardagig, two of the Shattergang goblins. They want us to hand over Krenko for murdering their brother, or… then the bomb.

Dars: Why do these goblins insist on killing each other?

Krenko: Well, when we kill non-goblins, your pink asses call us racist.

Gideon: ...I’ll go deal with them. As soon as I run some errands first.

Art by Vincent Proce

ZENDIKAR

(Gideon fights some Eldrazi on Zendikar. Munda’s there, too. And a random sorceress who shoots lightning bolts.)

Munda: Hey, Gideon, buddy, pal, bro… Remember when I said everyone was running to Sea Gate?

Gideon: Yes…

Munda: Turns out that includes the Eldrazi.

Gideon: Well, slith. On my way. After goblins.

Art by Michael Komarck

RAVNICA

(Gideon busts down the door to a warehouse)

Gideon: It’s over, Rikkig! I already captured your brother offscreen!

Rikkig’s voice, from somewhere inside the building: Didn’t bring Krenko, huh? And here I was going to exchange my hostages for yours.

(Light goes on in back, revealing a group of old women, children, and kittens tied up.)

Gideon: I can’t just hand over a prisoner! He’s been lawfully arrested, just like you’ll be!

(Rikkig steps out, wearing twelve layers of padding, a helmet, and goggles)

Rikkig: Well, if you don’t have a Krenko for me, I still have something for you.

(Rikkig throws a bomb)

(Things explode)

(Rikkig is padded. Gideon is indestructible. The hostages scream. The building begins burning and collapsing.)

Gideon: Damn damn damn!

(Gideon rushes to save the hostages. There’s a lot of them. He can only carry a few at a time. The building continues to burn.)

Dars: NEVER FEAR! THE BOROS LEGION IS HERE!

(Boros rush the building, rescue hostages, put out the fire. Rikkig escapes.)

Gideon: How did you get here so fast?

Dars: Followed you. You seemed like you were biting off a bit more than you can chew.

Gideon: I can handle it myself:

Dars: No. No, you can’t. We’re a Legion. We use tactics and teamwork so screw ups like this don’t happen. We’re going to go send a bunch of guys to catch that one goblin, and you’re going to sleep.

Gideon: But if I do that, who’s going to fight the giant monsters?

Dars: What?

Gideon: Bye.  (Gideon planeswalks away.)

Art by Nic Klein

Art by Igor Kieryluk

SEA GATE, A BIG DAM CITY ZENDIKAR

(ALL THE ELDRAZI ATTACK THE CITY! Hundreds of Eldrazi. Thousands of Eldrazi. Millions and billions and… okay, maybe not that many.  In the center: Gideon, indestructible and kicking ass.)

Gideon: I don’t care how many of you I have to kill! I can do this all day! I haven’t slept in a week and I’m not about to start now!

Jori En, a mermaid who is evenly distributed human and fish: HELP! HELP!

(Gideon bursts into a burning building, scoops up the mermaid, and runs off as it collapses behind them)

Gideon: Why didn’t you evacuate with the others?

Jori En: My friend Kendrin and I were checking for records about the Hedrons! She almost figured out what they do and how they’re supposed to stop the Eldrazi!

Gideon: That’s wonderful! Where is she?

Jori En: Uhh… In that building.

Gideon: Oh.

Jori En: Yeah…

Gideon: So…

Jori En: But I have all her notes! Unfortunately, she was a complete nerd and I don’t understand any of them.

Gideon: …. Go. Run. Get to safety. I’ll catch up with you as soon as I can.

Jori En: You have a plan?

Gideon: I have a nerd.

Art by Adam Paquette

JACE’S SANCTUM RAVNICA

(We cut to Jace Beleren, a blue cloak with a wizard inside it. With him is Lavinia, his assistant and bodyguard.)

Lavinia: That was your last meeting for today. Time to have a healthy dinner, and then get to bed early.

Jace Beleren: Or I’ll fill myself with coffee and stay up until three in the morning solving Sudoku. Sudokus? Sudoki.

Lavinia: You’re going to be grouchy all day tomorrow if you do that.

Jace: You can’t tell me what to do. You’re not my mom. I think. I honestly don’t remember.

Lavinia: I distinctly remember not being your mother.

Jace: Then I’ll see you at work first thing in the morning!

Lavinia: ...Of course. Goodnight, Jace. (Lavinia heads off)

(Jace starts to fetch his coffee when… there’s a knock on the bookshelf)

Jace: WHO IS- … wait. Who even knows about my secret passage? (Jace magically opens the bookshelf from a distance, preparing for trouble)

Liliana Vess, hasn’t aged a day in years: Jace! Snookums! (Walks right in.)

Jace: No.

Liliana: How are you, dear! I’ve missed you! You never showed for our last date!

Jace: That’s probably because you tried to kill me.

Liliana: Oh, pish posh. That was on Nicol Bolas’ orders. I’m freelance now.

Jace: You killed my best friend.

Liliana: And I killed my brother. This isn’t a competition, you know.

Jace: What do you want?

Liliana: I missed you! Can’t a girl visit her lover without getting the third degree?

Jace: (incredulous) You came all the way to Ravnica, presumably went to a lot of effort to find my secret passage, and showed up here unannounced because you missed me?

Liliana: I thought we could catch up. Spend some time together. Talk about our feelings.

Jace: You’re a murderer and a liar, and that’s not even bringing up that you managed to turn Garruk into some sort of superpowered psychopath hunting ‘the most dangerous game’ from plane to plane.

Liliana: Yeah, that was fun.

Jace: Go away.

Liliana: Take me to dinner.

Jace: ...You’re not leaving if I don’t play along, are you?

Liliana: I am not.

Jace: Fine.

Art by Dave Kendall

(Jace and Liliana start walking down the street)

Little Old Lady: Sir! Buy a flower for your girlfriend?

Jace: She’s not my girlfriend! She’s some sort of insufferable hell-witch who refuses to leave me alone for arcane purposes she won’t tell me about.

Little Old Lady: Oh, of course! Buy a flower for your wife?

Jace: Grrrrrrrrrr…..

THE MILLENNIAL RAVNICA

Maitre’d: Please forgive the mess, Sir Guildpact. We had an incident the other day… Of course, we’ll make sure it doesn’t inconvenience you.  (He shows Jace and Liliana to a table)

Jace: It’s fine, it’s fine. Just… It’s fine.

Liliana: That Guildpact title is useful. How is it being grand high king of Ravnica?

Jace: I’m not the King. I’m just a grand high Judge. I uphold the law. I don’t create it.

Liliana: Well, that sounds positively boring. You should become king. I’m sure you could pull it off.

Jace: I really don’t want to be king… And speaking of what I want, what do you want?

Liliana: The lobster looks positively-

Jace: I meant with me. Why are you making me take you out to dinner?

Liliana: Because I wanted to see you. Why would you think there was anything else? Do you think I can’t handle my demons on my own?

Jace: They are four particularly large-

Liliana: Two. I already killed Kothophed and Griselbrand. With the Chain Veil. It’s a wonderful artifact that grants ultimate power that is working out great for everybody involved.

Jace: Uh...huh.

Liliana: It certainly doesn’t have some sort of magical hooks in me that I need help understanding.

Jace: Of course not.

Liliana: And I’ll be perfectly fine studying it on my own.

Jace: Great.

Liliana: I can handle this.

Jace: Good to know. So you just want to sit with me and eat dinner?

Liliana: Yes.

Jace: And nothing else?

Liliana: Why? What are you implying.

Maitre’d: (at the entrance) SIR! NO! NOT AGAIN!

Jace: Hmm?

Art by David Rapoza

Gideon Jura, covered in Eldrazi goop: Need to see the Guildpact.

Maitre’d: Sir, you are covered in I don’t know what! We can’t afford another-

Gideon: Zendikar! It’s about Zendikar!

Jace: (softly) Damn it. (loudly) Send him in!

Maitre’d: Oh, all right…

Gideon: (staggers in) Beleren. Zendikar.

Jace: I’m sort of in the middle of something right now. What do you want?

Liliana: Right, he’s on a date! Go away!

Gideon: (Deep breath) Zendikar is being overrun by the Eldrazi, and we have notes on how the Hedrons might be able to stop them, but I need help from someone with skills I don’t have. Will you please help me?

Jace: … Say that last part again?

Gideon: ...Will you please help me?

Jace: You know what? Sure!

Gideon: Great, we can leave right-

Jace: In the morning. I need to have a healthy dinner and get to bed on time or I’ll be grouchy all day, and you need to get to a healer and rest as well. That’s the offer, take it or leave it.

Gideon: I… alright. Thank you.

Liliana: What the falkenrath, Jace? Here I come, all the way from Innistrad, with my magical artifact and two demons left to kill, and you’re willing to just run off with this oversized slab of beef with barely any explanation?

Jace: Is that a problem?

Liliana: Of course it’s a problem! You were supposed to come and help me!

Jace: Really? Huh. You should’ve said something.

Art by Jaime Jones