#suicidal for over a decade but theres been breaks and i feel like i havnt had a break from it in forever and im tired and i dont wanna feel
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#i need to vent but i cant even find the Words for my feelings and its so frustrating#and i just let frustration build up and up and they always say eventually youll explode but ive been#waiting to explode for like 10 years now and never have#and im just so tired of being suicidal all the time and not being able to just Do It because i fucking hate being alive and the suicidal#stuff isnt New so it feels stupid to vent about it now Because its not new so its like why are you venting on tumblr about it now#why didnt you vent the very first day of your current episode. is months long of suicidal thoughts every day an episode. and like ive been#suicidal for over a decade but theres been breaks and i feel like i havnt had a break from it in forever and im tired and i dont wanna feel#like this everyday for the rest of my life and even if it goes away it comes back everytime and the times its not there dont feel worth the#times it is and i feel like i cant do it anymore but i also cant kms or even talk about my feelings because people will be like no dont#and i dont wanna hear that and like. whatever. ill be fine#(has been saying ill be fine for my whole life. is never fine.)#whatever! i dont matter.#i finally have a psych appointment in april but like what is that gonna do. they cant fix me its gonna be like this forever#theres no such thing as no bad days and i Cant Handle Bad Days. every strong emotion i feel at the suicidal level#and im so worn out emotiobally i cant Fix Anything.#im never getting out of here im never getting out of here im stuck here forever#and its all inside my head so unless i smash it on some pavement its never going away! itll follow me everywhere#idk im good at Tolerating it i guess. still here! that counts for uh. something.
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