#supportguide

[williamsmhc]

Tips for Supporting a Survivor

Just a heads up that the following post discusses our thoughts on the generalities of supporting a survivor of rape and sexual assault, which may be a triggering, emotional experience. Please take care of yourself while reading. If you have any suggestions of how these suggestions can be improved, please let us know!

1. Believe the survivor! This cannot be over emphasized. In addition to believing the facts they choose to tell you, do not ask probing questions the survivor may not wish to answer. Questions like "what were you wearing?" or "haven't you two had sex before?" do not respect the privacy of the survivor and may feel accusatory. Remember, it is possible to show a survivor love and support without knowing every single detail.

2. Let the survivor lead the conversation. They are sharing with you their experience and their story - let them do this as they wish. Questions like "what would you like to talk about?" are a great way to encourage the survivor to lead a conversation.

3. Empower the survivor! First and foremost, give them options and respect their choices. Regardless of what you would do in their situation, understand their right to make their own decisions. This is particularly important with respect to the survivor's decision regarding reporting. As difficult as it can be to watch someone you care make decisions you do not agree with, remember one of the most powerful ways you can support a survivor is showing understanding, trust, and respect and working to empower them however you can.

4. Use mirror language. Allow the survivor to label their own experience. One effective way to do this is to reflect the language they themselves are using. For example, if they describe an experience as a "bad hookup", you should also use similar wording when talking with them. Similarly, if they describe an experience as "sexual assault", you should use similar wording. Do not use language more or less severe than the language the survivor is using. Everyone processes and relates to experiences in a different manner, and supporters should not stop survivors from engaging with their experience in the manner they prefer.

5. Respect confidentiality. Just because the survivor told you their story does not mean that they want their story to be shared with anyone else. Even if you feel that a certain individual knowing the survivor’s story could be helpful, ask the survivor for permission before you talk with this person. It is vital that a survivor is able to control knowledge of their story.

6. Take care of yourself. To be the best possible supporter of a survivor, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Practice conscious self care and seek support for yourself. If feeling the need to discuss your role as a supporter to a survivor, remember it is possible to talk about your feelings and emotions without sharing names, revealing details, or telling someone else's story.

7. Be knowledgeable about available resources and let the survivor know their options. Be cognizant of the type of support you can provide, and wise and humble enough to suggest a survivor talk to a trained professional should the situation become outside of your capabilities.

Resources:

--- Williams ---

http://health.williams.edu/affiliated-resources/sexual-assault-survivors-services/

http://health.williams.edu/affiliated-resources/the-rape-and-sexual-assault-network/

http://health.williams.edu/psychological-counseling-services/in-case-of-emergency/

http://health.williams.edu/psychological-counseling-services/to-make-an-appointment/

--- Mass ---

http://www.elizabethfreemancenter.org/

http://www.mass.gov/eohhs/consumer/physical-health-treatment/health-care-facilities/rape-crisis-centers.html

--- National ---

https://www.rainn.org/

- Emily Roach (RASAN) and Matt McNaughton (Mental Health Committee)

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[williamsmhc]

How to Ask for Help: Professor Edition

It’s that time of the year again. You’ve attended the first meeting of new classes, met new classmates, moved into new housing, and picked up your brand new textbooks and course packets. You might have joined a new club or team, or made some new friends. And, if you’re anything like the hundreds of Williams students I’ve met, you’re probably thinking, hey, this is a whole new year- this year will be different.

This year I’ll do all my course reading, you might say. This year I’ll stay dedicated to my extracurriculars. This year I’ll go to office hours- hell, I’ll go to writing workshop! This year I won’t let my social life get in the way of my studies (or maybe, this year, I’ll have more of a social life.) This year, I’ll stay fit. This year I won’t let stress weigh me down.

This year, I’ll be happy. This year, I’ll have the Williams experience I’ve been wishing for.

All your hopes are valid. All your goals are respectable. And this is a whole new year with new opportunities. But here’s the thing: shit happens. Especially in the arena of mental health, shit happens. I don’t write this to rain on your parade of optimism for this semester, but rather to say: It is not your fault if your mental health gets in the way of completing all of those lofty goals.

Recently, a Harvard psychology professor who studies happiness starred in a widely run commercial for Prudential Insurance. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDjutAUhnDg) In the commercial, a large crowd catalogues two categories of events in their lives: the past, and the expected future. The crowd then labels these events as good or bad. The conclusion is simple: the past has been a mixed bag of good and bad, and yet we are convinced the future will be mostly good. If we ignore the commercial aspect of this, the insight is fairly profound: despite the shit we’ve gone through in the past, somehow we remain relatively expectant that the future will be better.

In a lot of arenas, this optimism would be an invaluable perspective. It is this expectation that keeps us going forward, and working for the future. But this perspective can also be destructive, especially because Williams students have a tendency to consider the inevitable bumps in the road as personal failures. Simply put, we’re all perfectionists, and that can be dangerous for mental health. If we have unreasonable expectations for our future and ourselves, we will always come out lacking.

Once you admit that shit happens, and that it’s not your fault, it seems reasonable to try to prepare yourself against the inevitable. You can create insurance for the bumps in the academic road. You can create a safety net for inevitable ruts in mental health. You can create support networks to help you keep some of your goals for the semester. If you create a safety net to catch you in bad times, and a support network to get you back on track, maybe the future will indeed be better than the past. At the very least, you’ll know you can keep moving forward.

Here’s how you start: Create a mental health safety net with your professors. This is why:

Professors have a unique opportunity to check up on you. If you are attending class regularly, professors get to see you from upwards of 2.5 hours each week, often in spaces where you are expected to speak your thoughts and perform in an intense way. If something’s wrong, that will impact your performance, and professors can tell if your performance goes down hill. They might be the first to realize something’s up with you.

Williams College is not a research school. Maybe at a large university, it would not be in a professor’s interest to make sure you are on track, because they would only be interested in publishing their research. But Williams is not a large university. Professors come here to teach. If your mental health issues are getting in the way of them imparting their knowledge on you, it is in their interest to help you you get to a mental state where you can learn.

There is a plethora of opportunities to talk to them. Office hours. Email. Coffee, lunches, ice cream socials. If you take the initiative, you can have easily get one-on-one time with your professors. 

Unlike your friends, they have the resources to do something about it. Sure, your friends can be there for you when you’re depressed, when you are feeling stuck, when you’re anxious or just needing a break. But if you let your professor know that something’s wrong, they can give you more than a listening ear or a distraction: they can substantively erase your stressors. Extending a deadline, one-on-one tutoring, alternate assignments, contacting the Dean’s office: they have the power to give you a lifeline when you need one.

Here’s why you deserve to ask for help:

You are being responsible. By acknowledging your limits and vulnerability, you are planning for the future.

You are being a good student. You care enough about your education that you don’t want to miss a single opportunity to learn. 

Mental health is just as valid as physical health. You wouldn’t stress nearly as much to ask your professor for an extension for a physical illness, would you?

You always deserve to ask for help. Always.

Okay. But how do I ask for help? This shit is scary.

Luckily, let me be your guinea pig. These are some things I’ve learned, over the last three semesters of creating a safety net for mental health.

This is the perfect time in the semester to ask. The semester is just starting to settle down, so professors have the time to actually check their email and give you attention. You might have already turned in an assignment, or participated in class, so they know you are committed and eager. And finally, it’s still early. By asking now, you still have the rest of the semester ahead of you of potential support and confidence.

Sometimes email is better. For one, email allows you to be measured and explicit in a way that face to face sometimes impedes. You can consider your request and say exactly what you mean. These can also be emotional requests, and emotional subjects can sometimes be hard to discuss in person. (The first time I asked a professor to keep an eye out, I started crying, and the professor had no idea what to do with me.) And finally, professors can be awkward (too). Email allows them to consider their reply as well.

Not all professors will be receptive. Some of that is their problem. Society has stigmatized mental health issues and often portrays them as the individual’s fault. Some professors will be more helpful than others. But I guarantee you that some are understanding and helpful. You will thank yourself for finding them.

You don’t owe them more information than you want to give. You don’t need to justify your request with your life story. You don’t need to justify your struggles with a label or diagnosis. Unless you’re in a Psychology class, the professor probably doesn’t have the credentials to argue its validity. You can just ask them for what you need and leave it at that. (Some professors might feel uncomfortable with personal frankness, too.)

Give them a substantive request. “If I don’t come to class, please email me.” “If I am not responsive, you can contact this friend, this counselor, this dean.” “Could we make draft deadlines for papers so I can keep myself on track?” “Could you warn me about any in-class content before class starts?” 

Emphasize that you are asking because you care about their class. Chances are, they care about their class too.

You’d be surprised by the positivity of the responses. Chances are, a lot of them have gone through similar things.

I still haven’t emailed my professors this semester. I’m nervous. I’m worried that they’ll attach stereotypes to me, or condescend to me, brush me off, or even worse: not follow through. But I’ve regretted not asking in the past, and asking has saved my intellectual passion on multiple occasions. Moreover, I deserve help.

Here’s what I’m going to write:

Hi Professor, I’m writing to ask you a personal favor this semester. I’ve had a bit of a rocky road through Williams. I entered Williams in Fall 2011, but due to a long series of mental health issues, I left in Spring of 2013 to take a year and a half off. I am immensely happy with that decision, and returned to Williams in Fall 2014 much more capable of giving my studies the attention they deserve. Despite the progress I made during my time off, it still takes a lot of work to stay healthy and keep on track. For this reason, I’ve been working on making safeguards to catch any early warning signs of recurrence of mental health issues, in order to right the ship as soon as possible. I’m writing you to ask you to keep an eye out for any of those warning signs. In the past, examples of warning signs that I wish were caught included: not participating in class, missing assignments, frequently leaving in the middle of class, and finally, skipping class. Hopefully you can create a good baseline of my normal level of participation from the last week and a half of classes in order to spot any deviation. If you notice any or all of these warning signs, I would ask you to do any of the following you feel comfortable with: emailing me directly, reaching out to a dean, emailing [this counselor] at Psych Services, or contacting my friend at abc1@williams.edu to raise your concerns. On my end, I’m committing to give your class as much effort as I’m capable, because I’m really eager to get as much out of it as possible. This includes setting up a weekly tutor. Finally, one thing that has helped in the past is recording audio of lectures in the case to keep from missing anything if I have an anxiety attack in the middle of class. Please let me know if you consent to this- I promise to not use it beyond my personal use.

Please let me know if you’d like to talk about this in person, and thank you for reading.

I’m excited for what this semester has in store!

Sincerely, Sally Waters