#technically...it could be considered Lore....and i did draw all them images...but a piece of artwork it certainly is not

[ria-starstruck]

imagine these were the gods who either actively created or had a hand in creating the planet you now lived on. what would u do

[weirdmarioenemies]

Name: Ink Theory

Debut: Splatoon 2

You know, for all the months I’ve been writing for weirdsplatooncharacters.deviantart.gov, I’m surprised it took me this long to get to my absolute favorite Weird Splatoon Characters, Ink Theory! Now, as we all know, it is a scientifically proven fact that Splatoon music slaps. Anyone who’s played Splatoon knows that, and anyone who disagrees is a coward who has never heard of taste. How disappointing!

But can you boil down music that slaps to a science? In-universe, the band Ink Theory decided to put that to the test, blending “academic music theory with modern sensibilities” to create what, in theory, should be the jamminest music of all! So what does the jamminest music of all entail?

Being able to shred a trumpet, apparently! I did not know that was possible, but then I played Splatoon 2, and learned that everything is possible. That’s Great!

Some people, again, cowards who have never heard of taste, might say this music sounds bad, but personally this is my favorite music in the game! I love the diversity of the Splatoon soundtrack, and I love the absolute chaos that seems to unfold whenever one of these tracks is playing. Is it just me, or are matches where Broken Coral plays the most chaotic matches of them all? And by extension, the best matches?

I am glad that Splatoon has frantic jazz tracks, and even more glad that there’s a canon in-universe band that produces these frantic jazz tracks, and even MORE glad that said jazz band consists of six lesbians. Don’t believe me?

Well then believe this Splatoon art posted on Valentine’s Day! That’s an entire day dedicated to romance! We have a whole triple date worth of lesbians here! It’s weird, there was an entire Nintendo Direct on that day, featuring Mario Maker 2 and a new Weird Mario Enemy, and yet somehow, this image is what stood out to me the most.

But enough talking about the band as a whole! Let’s talk about the six individual members, because they each have a whole lot more to talk about. All of this is under the cut!

Name: Yoko

As the band’s trumpet player, and focus of their sound, Yoko serves as the band’s frontman, though, from what I can gather through “translating her bio in google translate,” her relationship with the other members of the band is a little bit distant. In fact, it’s not just that, it seems she just. Has depression! Her bio more or less mentions her feeling a bit dreary regardless of the weather, though nonetheless, she is always to give a solid performance on the trumpet, so that’s good I suppose!

You might notice that as an Inkling, Yoko has four differently colored tentacles, which is not really a common thing! Apparently, she has a mutation that causes her tentacles to appear different colors, which might sound cool, but it’s also likely to draw unwanted attention, and apparently, if my translations are right (they probably aren’t) leave her susceptible to atmospheric pressure.

Yeah, it’s a bit unfortunate that Yoko lives such a terrible life. They could write anything they wanted for this weird squid girl, and they decided to give her depression! But it’s not all bad! Let’s zoom in on that Valentine’s Day art!

Apparently, her hat doesn’t have gibberish Splatoon characters, but actual Japanese kanji! Kanji that spell out “Karen.” And who’s Karen?

Name: Karen

The band’s pianist, and from all logical evidence, Yoko’s girlfriend! While Yoko is the band’s frontman, Karen is the band’s founder, and she is (currently) the only Nautilus we’ve seen in the Splatoon universe! While squids, octopuses, and apparently cuttlefish are all pretty heavily anthropomorphized and humanoid in this world, nautiluses are more-or-less exactly the same, just larger and with longer tentacles. In fact, can we focus on that for a second? I love that Karen’s entire body is like, 85% tentacle. If she wasn’t wearing a dress, Karen would mostly just be a writhing mass of tentacles.

But Karen isn’t a nudist! She’s a pianist! One time she listened to the music of Hightide Era (another obscure Splatoon band) and said, “wow, this slaps,” and after that decided to start her own band! She graduated at the top of her class, and combined with her positive attitude, she’s been able to get a lot of moral support from her bandmates. Karen’s life is fortunately, nowhere near as difficult as Yoko’s, but she does occasionally worry about the band lacking proper motivation, which I suppose is a fair enough thing to worry about if you’re leading a band.

And this might just be me, but I feel that Karen is totally the mom friend of the group. Like, this was something I thought before I knew the names or personalities of any of them, but all official information is completely backing me up here. I mean, her name is Karen for crying out loud! If you have that name, you’re probably either a mom or a computer.

Name: Bibi

Okay, let’s get this all set straight. Bibi is cooler than any of us will ever be. I mean, look at her. You could say anything you want about Bibi, and not only would she be able to blow it off, but she’d probably make you look like a fool for saying it in the first place, and to make it all the more humiliating? She does this all while playing the kazoo.

Shredding the trumpet? Playing a kazoo and looking cool? I mean, Ink Theory is full of all sorts of impossibilities, and I am here for that.

Bibi’s bio was unfortunately kind of hard to translate, but I was able to pick up that she’s the member of the band that gets the most mainstream attention, and is kind of sick of being swarmed by the paparazzi all the time. Also, she’s never struggled much financially. Oh yeah. She’s rich and fabulous. Again. While playing the kazoo. I’m usually not a fan of rich people, but I don’t know if the law legally allows me to say anything bad about Bibi. I fear the repercussions for that.

Name: Aachin

Alright, so what species do you think Aachin is? Any guesses?

Three.... two... one...

Okay! Time’s up! She’s an urchin! A very specific type of urchin, actually,  Hemicentrotus pulcherrimus! No common names in English over here, I’m afraid! But if you didn’t figure it out already, Aachin’s name is really just “urchin.” Because she’s an urchin! Look at her hair, it’s based on a test of an urchin, rather than the spikes we are used to seeing, but don’t worry, if a spikier urchin is what you want, we still have that! I guess Aachin just likes to go around with a shaved head.

According to what I translated, Aachin grew up in a strict household, always appreciating contemporary music herself, but as time passed, she grew to appreciate modern music as well. Now! The last sentence of her bio actually threw me for a bit of a doozy a few months back, as after trying to figure it out like seven times with no better tools than Google Translate, I believed that Aachin had fallen in love with someone depraved! Did they seriously just put this funny urchin in a toxic relationship?

Nope! I’m just terrible at translating things. Apparently the gist of that sentence is just that she’s a bit shy and inexperienced when it comes to romance, and she admittedly falls for people who are “bad,” in some nebulous sense of the term. Are we talking like, 1950s cool biker bad? The person that corrected my mistranslation said “slobs,” so maybe she just falls in love with people who are really messy.

While it’s good that this lovely urchin is not in a toxic relationship, I still think she deserves better, on sheer account of being Aachin. She always deserves better. Even if she has it good! She deserves better. Because I love her.

Name: Mayaya

Up next we have Mayaya! Mayaya is a sea anemone (not a sea cucumber as I previously believed) whose facial anatomy slightly baffles and scares me, but that’s okay, because I still love her.

Another top-of-her-class graduate, Mayaya’s own professors said she’d be best teaching music herself, but Mayaya decided she’d rather have fun making her own music, and decided to join the band! She plays “percussion,” which seems to suggest any percussion instrument other than drums and cymbals, and she doesn’t just play for Ink Theory! While Ink Theory is her main squad, she apparently freelances percussion for other bands in her free time. Which bands? We don’t know! It’s never specified! But any time you hear any percussion ever, just know it might be Mayaya herself playing.

Name: Kitamura

And last, but not least, we have Kitamura, the band’s drummer, who might just be the most adorable character design I have ever seen in any piece of media ever! And that’s saying a lot, considering all we’ve covered on this blog. Urchins are hardly ever unlovable, and the little ribbons simply make her all-the more adorable, but what really draws me in here are those eyes. Now, urchins don’t technically have eyes (though their spikes can function as a makeshift compound eye) but as far as eyes go, Kitamura might have some of the most precious looking eyes they could give an urchin. They almost look scrawled on! Heck, part of me wonders if Kitamura just draws on her own eyes to look cute. It’s either that, or her eyes just naturally look like that, and I am personally fine with either possibility.

Oh! Right! Her lore! There’s actually not too much about Kitamura that we know, but we do know that she is fittingly, the band’s mascot, lives on her own, and pays close attention to her curfew. She apparently has a high singing voice also, but we never hear it because none of the Ink Theory songs have vocals. Maybe someday! Maybe someday...

In the Valentine’s Day artwork, we see Kitamura getting to eat a whole lot of ice cream. Do you think Kitamura deserves that much ice cream? Because I do.

This is far from all I have to say about these characters, but there’s not much more I really can say without diving deep into headcanon territory, so I suppose that’s all for now! I hope you appreciate this deep dive into Splatoon lore, and have a wonderful day!