#tempted to make a jerry tag here

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Would you ever write something about daddy Henry giving his little maintenance spankings to make sure she behaves (because she's a little brat)?😋

Summary: Maintenance spanking for a naughty little girl who didnt want her icecream after dinner.

Warnings: DDLG, Spanking, Swearing, Temper Tantrums, a Waste Of Ice Cream

Tagging: @viking-raider

"What the hell was that young lady?" Henry growled as he thundered down the hall hearing your foul language.

After throwing a tantrum in the kitchen about eating veggies you'd had the audacity to get up from the table without being excused and thought he let you eat ice-cream instead.

It was a ballsy move, opening the icebox freezer when he had told you not to and fishing out ice-cream he had forbid you from eating before finishing your dinner.

Henry had enough by that point, you'd done all this in front of him with a haughty little expression

You thought you'd be spared a spanking because of your tooth ache but you were wrong, very wrong.

After standing up and confiscating the spoon you'd got to eat your icecream you'd run off whilst he called for you to sit down and eat your dinner.

You huffed and left the kitchen tipping over your chair on the way out prompting him to follow.

And now here he was standing at the door to the living room where you had stormed off to and was now sulking.

"you want to repeat that to my face little one?" he growled hearing the half muttered curse words you were calling him.

"N-nothing daddy" you gasped panicking slightly eyes wide as you realise your little fit may have just cost you.

"Oh no go on daddy's a what? Come on tell me" he grunted tipping his head at you frowning non to impressed with you cussing him out under your breath.

"Go on princess what is daddy?" He grunted staring at you

"A... very handsome amazing king?" You tried to backtrack and pretend that you hadn't just been cussing him out to Kal who was sitting in the corner giving you the 'ooo your in trouble' eyes.

"Really because it sounded to me that you called me an asshole?" Henry asked shifting on his feet casually looking huge and intimidating by the door blocking your only exit.

"No daddy I-I'd never do that!" you spoke voice going high as you realised he may be serious this time.

"And lying too? Oh no poppet! No no no!" He growled crossing the room.

You squeaked and turned on all fours trying to scamper away over the sofa.

You were fast but he was faster henry managed to cross the room and sit on the sofa capturing your ankles and dragged you back as you whimpered yelling as he held you face down over his lap.

"Now here we go, a little brat needing a reminder~" he hummed striking your up turned bottom in a loud slap, the sting was instant even through the jeans.

"And why? Because daddy is an asshole that wont let you eat a whole litre tub of caramel ice-cream after refusing to eat your dinner" he huffed holding you down with one hand as you made a fuss.

"No I'm sorry daddy no!" You whined kicking out trying to find some leverage to kick off and escape.

Henry moved propping his knee higher so you wouldn't kick the table beside the sofa and knock everything off.

"Now now none of that, after all I'm an asshole and wont listen" he said in a jovial mood despite you being rude?

"bu-but daddy my tooth hurts!!??" you yipped trying to fight him but he was just to big and strong.

"and now your ass will too!" He muttered moved quickly tugging your jeans down as you squirmed wriggling your hips trying to get away only managing to help him pull them over your bottom dragging your small knickers with them leaving you bare.

You cried out covering your bottom only for him to tuck both wrists in one hand holding them in your back before letting out a chuckle.

"Oh baby look at this pale little rump~" he teased patting the still cold cheeks rubbing a little heat into them.

"Noo daddy please don't! I'm sorry!" you cried out as he move popping your cheeks a few times letting a slow warmth creep across them.

"Nothing says sorry like a little red tushy and you haven't had one of those in a while love its why your being a brat!" he commented before landing heavier spanks across your bottom.

You kicked out but it was futile, you whined in defeat hanging your head sniffling resigning yourself to a spanking.

"Good girl, now you hold still while daddy sees to this very naughty botty" he said cheerfully before beginning to administer a proper thrashing.

Your sobbing began quite quickly as he began to impart a lesson onto your vulnerable cheeks scolding you all the while about being rude and naughty.

You squirmed as he lit a fire in your ass giving you something to be sorry about, leaving stinging burning swats over the whole of your ass without breaking a sweat.

"there we go! A very red bottom~ Something to be embarrassed about"

"oh baby your butt is soo cute all red and hot~ like a tiny rip cherry daddy is tempted to take a bite" he teased as you wailed below the sting was to much and your bottom was swelling already.

" there we go! A very sorry little princess...Now you will be marching right back to the table and eat your veggies without the attitude!" he scolded finally tipping you up to stand you your own two feet beside him as you sobbed into your hands trying to hide your shameful tears in your palms.

"y-yes daddy... B-but my tooth really did hurt daddy" you offered pitifully as you wiped your face on your sleeves.

"i know, you have a trip to the dentist tomorrow for an emergency appointment" he explained slowly bending over to capture your knickers and began shimmying them up your legs.

"nooOOOoo daddy i dont wana goo!!!" you complained at him shaking your knees trying not to stomp at him before your undies were even covering you.

"well thats a shame isnt it? Your going now come on up we get" he drolled finally pulling your knickers over your bottom but made you step out of your jeans

"daddy?- I want-" you pointed to your thick jeans that would offer some protection should he decide to give you a few more swats.

"nope, these are staying off, its warm enough and means I can get to you easier if you start acting up again now into the kitchen" and stood up pointing to the door.

You blinked at him eyes still wet with tears, lip quivering but he raised a brow prompting you to spin and head for the door at a snails pace.

"mush" he said walking behinde you patting your tender ass making you yelp and move faster.

"now you will finish half of your mash potato and all of your carrots! Daddy made soft veggies specially for you tonight and your sore tooth" he instructed leading you over to your seat whilst fetching your plate out of the oven where henry had put it to keep warm before chasing you.

You sniffed but took the offered fork and began eating small bites feeling sorry for yourself.

Henry moved to the sink quickly rinsing his own plate once he was sure you were eating nicely.

"oh look? The icecream you were trying to sneak is all melted now well that is a shame isn't it?" he said whilst picking up the drenched ben and jerry's carton you had been trying to steal.

He shook his head and stepped on the peddle of the bin

You whined tearing up as the carton hit the bottom of the bin with finality.

Instantly you burst into tears again holding your arms out making grabby hands to him.

"come on love eat your dinner" the scolded nodding to your half full plate.

"b-but daddy that was a full carton?!" you cried out loud upset over the loss of your special icecream.

"yes well brats don't get icecream now finish your dinner" he said with no remorse what's ever

"but what about pudding?" you whimpered moving to nibble another baby carrot as slowly as you possibly could.

"you get none, now hurry and eat before daddy thinks you need another reminder to do as your told" he threatened calmly leaning back on the counter watching you closely as you picked at your food.

You looked down in self pity and began to eat a little faster

"if you finish everything on your plate you can have some chocolate custard" he caved unable to see you so miserable but wanted to remain firm.

"r-really daddy?" you sniffled peering at him shyly

"yes poppet but only if you clean your plate" he reiterated making you smile softly to yourself and nodded before eating your dinner nicely.

[blackaquokat]

The Song You Might Have Been (Chapter 4)

Link to Chapter 1 and Chapter 3 here!

A/N: TW for another attempted murder. Plus a fistfight. Because our leading characters are emotionally constipated morons.

---

Funnily enough, the next attempt for your life has nothing to do with your framed case. Which is both a good and bad thing.

Good because a paid assassin is more difficult to sniff out and is financially motivated to really ensure the job is done. Not to mention is more talented at getting away with murder.

Bad because at the moment you’re staring at Newman and three other lackies behind him. They have cornered you in the empty laundry room. Newman is brandishing a shiv sharpened from a toothbrush. You recognize two of his companions as criminals you prosecuted: one for murder and another for drug dealing.

“No one here to protect you now, huh, Eagle?” Newman sneers. “Which means we can cut you up however you want and no one will be any the wiser.”

You swing your arms back and forth casually before putting them behind your back. While you try to slyly get a grip on the large measuring cup of bleach on the table behind you, you speak up. “You’re really tempting fate here, aren’t you? Or are you telling me that Yancy gave you the all-clear to kill me after assigning me a bodyguard rotation?”

The Murderous inmate--Jerry Carson, you remember--pales three shades and turns on Newman. “Wait, hold on, this drip is still under Yancy’s protection? What the hell are you playing at, Newman? I don’t wanna be on Yancy’s shit list!”

Inmate-You-Don’t-Recognize nods frantically in agreement. “I only agreed to this because I was promised more cigarettes, but going against Yancy is suicide!”

(How are these guys so clueless? It’s not like it’s a secret that the gang has been joined to your hip for this long. Or is the rest of the prison under the impression that you’re just an unfortunate tag-along trying to kiss your way up the ladder?)

“Cowards, the lot of you!” Newman snaps. He turns back to you. “Not that I need help killing you. You’re just an attorney. What are you gonna do, throw the book at me?”

You let a sinister smile crawl across your face. “Maybe not the book.”

Newman’s eyes narrow into slits and he lunges for you--only to reel back screaming when you throw the bleach in his eyes.

You drop the cup and charge around him while he flails and furiously wipes at his face. To your surprise, none of the lackeys try to grab you as you escape.

On your way out of the room, you run smack into someone and start flailing when arms hold you in place.

“Whoa, whoa there, Eagle!” Once you hear Jimmy’s voice, you calm down and he releases you. “What’s your hurry?”

“They were about to be a pincushion.”

Jimmy turns to address, much to your surprise, the Drug Dealing inmate who had been suspiciously silent during the whole exchange. Declan Millard, you finally remember. 

“You the guy who let Bam-Bam know this was going down?”

Declan nods and winks at you. “Not that I have any fuzzy feelings for you, Eagle, but my lawyer informed me that you were pretty generous about my sentencing.”

“Considering I learned you discouraged dealing to the younger kids in the neighborhood you were in,” you respond automatically, more than a little stunned at this turn of events, “and that you gave up other dealers during the trial, it seemed like the fair thing to do.”

“Not many lawyers are fair, Eagle,” Declan reminds you. “I’d hate to deprive the world of the only one I know.”

“I see I missed the fun.” The three of you turn again and there’s Yancy, once again appearing out of nowhere. His arms are crossed, leaving his forearm tattoo in full view. He looks more lethal than you’ve ever seen him. 

“Not quite, boss.” Declan jerks a thumb over his shoulder, pointing to the laundry room where they can all still hear Newman screaming and swearing. “The other two didn’t quite know what they were getting into, but Newman did.”

Yancy nods and cracks his knuckles. He puts a hand on your shoulder. “Why don’t youse go relax in your bunk for a bit? Jimmy and I can take care of this ourselves.”

“Just Newman,” you say, suddenly. “He’s the only one who tried to hurt me.”

“And he was paid for his efforts with a face full of bleach,” Declan reports in a gleeful tone. “It was an impressive sight.” He looks you up and down impressively. “You keep surprising me, Eagle.”

“Yes, yes, they’re very surprising,” Yancy repeats dismissively. “Clear out, Declan. Eagle, back to your cell, that’s an order.”

The look you give him at that statement is enough to have him offer only a somewhat apologetic grimace before entering the laundry room with Jimmy.

You’re halfway down the hall before you hear a loud scream that cuts off into a gurgle only moments later.

---

You go back to your cell, simply because you don’t have anything better to do besides work on another letter to send to the legislature, but when you get there, you almost think you’ve gotten horribly mixed up.

“Um…”

Your cell is completely redecorated. There’s a small white wire tea table with matching chairs and a vase with lovely yellow flowers. Your second set of prison clothes are hanging on various clotheslines. There’s a tiny nightstand with a lamp by your bed, which has new sheets, a comforter, and two more fluffy pillows. Toiletries, of all things, sit in a neat section on the back of and next to the toilet. There’s even an adorable little potted tree with white leaves (that one is probably fake). Someone even put a goddamn fur rug next to the bunk with a pair of slippers. Slippers, for God’s sake.

You’re still gaping at all of this contraband, which makes the cell seem almost decadent in its furnishings, when you hear a low laugh behind you and whirl around to see Heap-Ass deliver you a casual salute before leaving.

“Why the tree?” you blurt out first, because apparently that is the strangest thing in this room and not the goddamn fur rug and furry pillow.

“The boss loves trees,” Heap-Ass yells back.

“Thanks!” you hurry to say before he gets out of earshot. Reverently, you sit at the wire table, where your writing supplies and paper and even a brand new leather bound notebook awaits you, and get started on another letter.

What alternate dimension have I fallen into?

When Yancy returns, his hands suspiciously cleaner than they normally are, you ask him if the refurbishings were his doing. You’ve moved from the table to your bed, curled under the blankets, the lamp switched on, and have now moved onto writing notes in your notebook. It’ll be easier to keep lists of requests in this rather than whatever scraps of paper you can get your hands on.

He shrugs at your questioning look. “Consider it a sign of gratitude for the new books. And the poetry readings youse been doing every night.”

You shut the notebook. “And you go this far for just anyone who does you favors?”

“Only I didn’t ask youse for the books, did I, Eagle?” Yancy challenges. “Did that on your own. Because youse got more fight and more brains than any other goon in this place.”

“Yancy--”

“Listen here, Eagle, I ain’t takin’ any refusal for the gift, alright? Besides, I benefit from these furnishings too.”

“You love trees, yeah, I heard.” 

You want to trust that that’s all this is, you really do. You appreciate the little things that have gone a long way to make you more comfortable, but that’s the problem. You don’t want to get comfortable. If you get comfortable, then it will be that much harder to leave.

Something tells you that that might be exactly what Yancy was hoping for. Though God knows why he’s so desperate for you to stick around.

“And this has nothing to do with the fact that my last update with Damien involved breaking down more of Merrill Byron’s operation?”

Yancy flinches and avoids your question by hopping into the top bunk. Moments later, “What makes you think I care what your soon-to-be Mayor friend has to say?”

“Because if they manage to pin any of that operation to Byron, then my name gets cleared and I can leave.” 

You can’t see his face, but Yancy’s silences can be just as telling as the nonsense he spouts off. 

“Hey, Eagle!” shouts Bam-Bam from down the hall. “You gonna read tonight or what?”

You sigh and reach for the book compilation of Edna St. Vincent Millay poetry you borrowed for the evening. “Alright, keep your shirts on, guys. I’ll only be reading three tonight, don’t get comfortable.”

You’re looking forward to a night of sleep that won’t involve shivering. Turns out the mattress was replaced too, and you are equally looking forward to not feeling springs stab into your back and sides.

---

You never give up, really. 

But by the time Week Nine in Happy Trails Penitentiary begins, you start to feel discouraged.

Not that anyone else really gets why. You’ve been perfectly happy organizing the new books and teaching the first few inmate volunteers the Dewey Decimal System so that they can locate and sort the books easier. All those years of trying to pay your way through University as the local librarian are really paying off now. Not that it didn’t pay off before. 

“Is it really so bad here?” Jimmy asks you in the yard one day. He’s smuggled bread rolls for the entire gang (which does include you now, you guess). “I mean, I know the hooch wine doesn’t do much for you, but we can always sneak the whiskey out of the warden’s office! Or Heap-Ass can get you some bourbon from the outside.”

“I appreciate the offer, Jimmy.” You swallow a bite of your roll before continuing. “But honestly, I...I can’t stay.”

“Why not?” Tiny insists. She’s clutching the copy of the Velveteen Rabbit to her chest. “Who’s going to run the library if you leave?”

“I can train you guys before I leave, or I can come back after I get out and help you set the rest up.” You scootch closer to Tiny. You would like to put your arm around her, but the last time you attempted physical comfort with her, she held a fork-shiv to your throat. “Look, I’m not going to just forget about you guys, okay? I’ve never had this many friends in my life. I plan on setting up a volunteer system here so I can come by whenever the hell I want.”

Tiny’s tentative smile fades into wide-eyed concern, suddenly, when she looks over your shoulder.

“Oh, sure youse will.” 

You spin around in surprise and, sure enough, there’s Yancy. Seriously, you might need to put a bell around his neck. 

“You think youse the first person to come in, get released, and never come back?” Yancy challenges. He saunters up to you not unlike a predatory cat. “Why don’t youse just admit that we’re not good enough for you?”

“What, just because I don’t want to sit in here while what little reputation I have with the public gets dragged through the mud?!” You toss your roll behind you as you approach Yancy and listen to some of the gang hurry to catch and call dibs on it. “While a killer goes free and strikes again to clean up loose ends? While my mom sits home alone, worried about me? She already went through losing my dad and my brother, do you think--”

“I told youse on Day One, Eagle,” Yancy snaps, “the past ain’t to be trifled with. If youse’s mum supposedly ‘cares’ about you so much, why’s she not visited? Some loving ma you’ve got there--”

“Because I told her not to, you idiot!”

Yancy freezes mid-accusatory finger point. “Youse--what?”

You look around and get close enough for no one else but Yancy to hear you. The two of you are already drawing eyes to your positions. “Do you think I want my mom to see me like this? She knows I could die in here, I know I could still die in here, and I don’t want her last memory of me to be one where I’m covered in blood and bruises and cuts, she already had to see me like that when I was in high school.”

“Every story I hear about youse’s life on the outside depresses the hell out of me, but that’s besides the point.” The anger in his voice is barely contained. “How about we talk about the fact that youse plan to leave the family here behind? What, youse didn’t like the cell renovations we made after your Nightly Poetry Reading?”

“Yes, I love the comfortable mattress and fur rug and the lamp and the non-itchy, non-bloodstained blankets that keep me warm at night, but Yancy, I can’t stay. Even if we catch the guy who put a hit out on me, who’s to say I won’t get a shiv in the back by someone who doesn’t want their parole? You think I don’t hear you telling other inmates about that little tactic? You’re not quiet at all about it!”

“I was hoping you’d get the hint, Eagle! We don’t want you to go! Do youse really think I’d let anyone kill you?”

“I don’t know what to think of you, Yancy!” you finally shout back. 

As soon as the words leave your lips you realize just how true they are. This man has both rescued you and killed for you and called you ridiculous names and comforted you and plotted the deaths of inmates and guards in front of you and it honestly has turned you in circles because despite all of that, despite your moral compass, you really like this complicated mess of a man. 

But this is not the time to unpack this increasingly weird relationship you have with him. “Yancy, can you really look me in the eye and promise that I won’t get killed in here?”

Yancy’s mouth opens and closes several times before eventually he shoves you away from him, as if that’ll distract you from the hurt in his eyes. “I shoulda guessed that the Legal Eagle would get too high and mighty for us jailbirds!”

“Yancy--”

“Youse just like my dad! Standing there and judging me like youse think you know better, like youse so much better than me just because youse’s hands are clean?!” He puts his fists up. “Why don’t you get them dirty for once?”

Oh, this bastard. He’s going to make you do it, isn’t he? He’s really going to make you fight him. You put your arms on your hips. “Yancy, stop, you’re being ridiculous--”

He aims a punch at your face and you block it on instinct. You repeat his name but he just tries to hit you again, so that time you block his fist and manage to land a blow to his abdomen.

Fine. Let’s do this.

Yancy may be a rather talented inmate scrapper with a great right hook (you learn a moment later as your eye pulses in pain) but you’ve also boxed three times a week for half your life (because you needed some kind of extracurricular outlet to deal with the frustration of being a non-white academic overachiever) and have learned how to defend yourself pretty damn well.

By the time the fight gets anywhere, your eye is blackening and blood is running from your nose, while Yancy’s sporting several cuts on his face and a split lip. You manage to land several hits in a row before knocking Yancy back in a daze.

“Stand. Down,” you order in a growling tone. 

It’s the first and only time you have given anyone here a real command, and you are certainly in no mood for anyone to test the raging anger and frustration lashing underneath your skin just because this idiot that you can’t get out of your head doesn’t know how to talk about his issues like a healthy human being.

(The more rational part of your mind is willing to acknowledge that judging by the rumors about his childhood, there are reasons behind his inability to deal with people in a different capacity, but the rational part of your mind is currently tied up and locked in a trunk until further notice.)

Yancy stares back at you, blood dripping from his lip and staining his shirt. The fury is still brimming in his eyes, but you think you can catch a glimmer of reluctant respect and something else. Something...sad.

But you’re no longer in any mood to read into Yancy’s odd, conflicting behavior. It’s a miracle that none of the guards came to break the two of you apart. You have no intention of pushing your luck.

You push through the crowd that had gathered to watch this unprecedented event and leave the yard, praying that people think the tears running down your face are from your injuries.

---

Link to Chapter 5 here!

Thank you for reading! Please relbog/comment! If you want to be tagged/untagged for the rest of this series or this pairing, please leave a message in my inbox!

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[fizzyxcustard]

The Strike of Midnight.

Fandom: Real Person Fiction (Richard Armitage)

Part 1

Summary: This is an amalgamation of an imagine and Christmas special idea rolled into one. My original imagine was “Imagine Richard admitting he loves you but you are adamant he’s joking and he winds up blowing up at you through your stubbornness and accusing him of being a liar.” This was then requested by an anonymous reader for it to be turned into fic. You’ve accused Richard of lying and he has stormed out of your flat. It is now New Year’s Eve and can you finally believe Richard’s words? 

Pairings: Richard Armitage x fem!reader

Warnings: Angst, insecurity, fluff

Word count: 1650

Comments/Notes: If you wish to be added to my tag lists for a particular fandom, character, or even everything, please send me an ask or a private message and I will add you. HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! ;) My apologies for this not coming out to you on New Year’s Eve when it was meant to. I wasn’t very well, so I’m posting it today on 1st January 2020. 

Music listened to while writing this piece: My personal Two Steps From Hell iTunes playlist. 

Masterlist of fan fiction here

After Richard had stormed out of your flat, you had been both angry and sad. Angry at the fact that part of you always echoed the same words, ‘no one will ever like you.’ Sad at the fact that you had obviously offended him. Lashing out had always been your defence mechanism against your high wall of insecurity and self doubt. By pushing others away first, you did not have to experience crippling rejection. Instead, you were in control, and making sure no one could hurt you. It had only been a matter of time before you decided to push Richard away, even if he had not admitted any kind of romantic feelings, it would have probably happened further down the line of your close friendship.

At your parents’ house where you ate Christmas dinner and opened gifts, you faked every smile that came to your face. None of it lifted your spirits; the cheesy Christmas songs you normally loved couldn’t even raise a smile. On the night of Christmas Day, your mum sat you down at the kitchen table where you could both speak privately. Your dad was asleep in the living room, having drifted off whilst watching the holiday classic of Die Hard.

“There’s something wrong,” your mum said softly. “You haven’t been right all day, sweetheart.”

The floodgates opened and you broke down in front of your mother, your breath hitching and your shoulders shaking. Between sobs you tried as best you could to explain everything to your mum about the previous encounter with Richard.

As she always did, and most mothers would, she reassured you were a wonderful person and deserved love in your life. Richard at least needed to have a chance to prove himself.

For the next week you barely slept, tossing and turning in bed. In the darkest hours of the night you would check your phone constantly, hoping that Richard had text you. Nothing. Was this to be the last you would ever hear from him? Having been his friend for a while now, you understood what made Richard tick and how to handle times when he was angry. It was best to leave him to simmer down. But how long could you remain silent? Perhaps he was waiting for you to message him.

Not far from your flat, Richard slept in a hotel room. He had spent Christmas with his family, then decided to take time alone before heading off for his normal skiing holiday abroad for the New Year. Everything had become a frustration. Cutting himself whilst shaving had resulted in a smashed glass and torn shower curtain. The television remote batteries had died, making Richard throw the remote across the room. And to make everything so much worse, you hadn’t even contacted him since your last meeting, followed by an abrupt departure for him. He still had your Christmas gift, boxed and sitting in a silver bag.

He needed a drink, and something stronger than the usual wine he drank. Richard had begun to feel cooped up inside the hotel room and decided to go and sit in the bar, and maybe get some food while down there.

The bar was relatively quiet, with only one or two people dotted around the room. He looked upon a middle aged couple eating a meal with a bottle of wine between them. Across from them was a heavily tattooed man drinking a pint of lager, and then further towards the back of the room was an older gentleman, in a flat cap, reading the newspaper.

A short while later, Richard sat in the corner with a pint of lager and skimmed through the menu, but his appetite had deserted him. Not even a piece of chocolate cake with ice cream could tempt him. Flavour seemed to have gone from all food.

A light caught Richard’s eye, and as he looked down, he saw that his phone had lit up with a text alert. It was from you. Finally!He read the message, half smiling as both elation and a trickle of dread settled in his stomach.

Can we talk?

Richard dialled out to you, listening to only one ring before you answered.

“I’m sorry for bothering you,” you said softly.

“No, don’t be sorry. I’m glad to hear from you. I’ve missed you,” Richard said, unable to stop himself speaking the absolute truth about his feelings. “If you don’t feel the same way, you know…I understand…” he began, swallowing over a lump in his throat. “But please…”

“I don’t want to talk about it over the phone. Are you free tomorrow? I know it’s New Year’s Eve and you might…”

“Yeah, I am,” Richard replied, his eagerness coming through in his tone. “What time shall I come?”

“Whenever you want. I’m free all day,” you said.

“How about eleven? It gives us both time to have breakfast and for me to get over to you.”

“Perfect. I’ll see you then.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

“Bye…” you trailed off, as if waiting.

“Bye…I…”

“You, what?” you asked.

“Nothing, angel. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Richard terminated the call and closed his eyes, knowing he had come so close to letting his feelings slip out again. The sound of your voice made it so easy to get caught up in the callings of his heart, which wanted you more every day. Self-expression had become something that Richard found harder home now that he was getting older and had become more skilled in his acting abilities on stage and behind the camera. By pushing away his own personality for his job, and taking on the role of someone else, he had repressed himself which was now pushing back hard. His true self was trying to break free, and it was when he was with you that it could finally be free. You had never expected him to be anything less than himself.

It was ten at night and you were driving to the local supermarket which was, thankfully, a twenty-four-hour service. Quickly, you scoured the aisles, looking for wine, ice cream and plenty of sweet snacks. Everything that you knew Richard enjoyed. Two bottles of rather expensive red wine, cartons of chocolate Ben and Jerry’s, and lots of cake later, you paid for the items and dashed back to your car.

For a few seconds you sat in the car and smiled to yourself as the engine hummed. What had flipped in your head? Maybe it wasn’t the fact that you fully believed him, but you couldn’t have negativity hanging in the atmosphere between you. The truth was you loved him as well. Since falling for him many months ago, you often fantasised about all the wonderful things he would do to pleasure you, or the warm cuddles you would give each other on a cold winter’s morning. Your imagination was a never-ending world of fantasies that played out about you and Richard. Now you were staring those fantasies right in the face.

You gripped the steering wheel tight and told yourself you were going for it. If you missed this chance, then it would never arise again.

You got up early, beginning your preparations for Richard coming. The negative moods you had been consumed by the last week had meant that little housework had been done, so that morning was going to be catching up on everything you had put aside.

Despite the fact that you had so many jobs to complete, time seemed to have stood still. Every time you looked at the clock and the hands barely moved. You had been sure that vacuuming through all rooms had taken much longer than just fifteen minutes. It had felt more like an hour.

At eleven sharp, Richard stood outside your flat. He had contemplated going earlier, then maybe turning up a few minutes late to not make himself seem to eager. But instead, he had waited in the café just at the top of your street for forty-five minutes.

Your door knocked. And there he stood, looking as handsome as ever.

He looked down, smiling as you greeted him. Then you let him inside, exhaling hard and closing your eyes as his scent wafted past you.

“I never got chance to give if you before, but here’s your Christmas gift,” he said, offering you a silver gift bag.

“Oh, I have yours as well. Hang on,” you walked quickly into your bedroom, and got the package from your desk.

You both opened your presents at the same time. In the silver bag of yours was a blue box and as you opened the box you were presented with a beautiful golden necklace, and on it was an owl pendent with diamond eyes. Owls were your favourite animal.

Richard opened his neatly wrapped present to find a hardback copy of a book he had mentioned wanting. It was something he had wanted to read for quite some time but never got around to buying a copy.

Both of your gazes met and you said ‘thank you’ in the exact same moment. Then you leaned up and embraced Richard tight. “I’m sorry,” you whispered at his ear. And then you pulled away slightly so you could look him in the eyes. Tears were welling in his blue depths.

You kissed him, lightly at first, and then you both sank deeper into it. Your one hand laced in his short hair as the other still gripped your necklace box. His stubble tickled against your lips, making you smile beneath the kiss.

“What?” he asked, hearing your faint giggle. Then he pecked your lips quickly as you moved your head away.

“I think we should have waited until the strike of midnight for this, you know?” you said, grinning.

“There’s no way I was waiting that long,” Richard replied, and grabbed you playfully, kissing you again.

                                                              ***

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[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 89

Chapter Summary -  Danielle stays in Ireland to deal with the house situation as Tom heads back for the Kong Skull Island premiere.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​​ @jessibelle-nerdy-mum​​ @nonsensicalobsessions​​ @damalseer​​ @hiddlesbitch1​​ @winterisakiller​​ @fairlightswiftly​​ @salempoe​​​ @wolfsmom1​​​

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

Danielle sat waiting in the solicitor's office, a cup of tea on the table next to her, a small but significant piece of paper under her hand. She thought of how she had dropped Tom to the airport that morning, telling him she would be home in less than a week hopefully, that she would see him before he went on the international part of the Kong Tour.

Again she looked at the small piece of paper in her hand, it had taken Tom another two minutes to convince her it was the right thing to do, and a small call to NatWest to confirm that yes, given her credit history and the fact she had her house as collateral, she very much was guaranteed the loan. So with a small transfer and a trip to her Credit Union, she and Tom were able to hold the piece of paper that meant that she would get to pay for her aunt's part of the house. Tom smiled as she looked at it, clearly ecstatic as to what it meant for her. When he had asked her what was her plans, she simply shrugged and stated the other half, when she could.

She was brought back to the present by the sound of people walking down the hallway towards her. She knew by the irked voice of one that it was her aunt, she inhaled deeply and waited for the door to open. When Bernadette entered the room, she looked angrily at Danielle. "What do you want? I suppose you are going to try and stop me from forcing the sale?"

"Just sit down, Bernie," Danielle growled.

"You have no respect," The woman commented, but she did what was required. "Where is the solicitor gone?"

"To get the last of the paperwork."

"What paperwork and what would you know, you dropped out of college, Mattie was too soft on you, you went on to do nothing."

"I would disagree, I have a great paying job, I have a nice home and a good hard-working boyfriend, things are very much going well for me Bernie, not that I am overly bothered by your opinion, though I do use it to gauge things. What you find to be terrible and anger, I know my father would have approved of, so thank you for setting my concerns to rest." Danielle smiled sweetly just as the solicitor re-entered the room.

"Right, so it is a fair swap really, nothing of great note, you Danielle Hughes, are offering the whole twenty-five thousand euro share of the house at Droichead Beag, Connemara, Galway to Bernadette Whelan, your aunt and on her accepting, she is signing over her share of the building and her legal rights to it. That is the general gist of this." The solicitor explained.

Bernadette frowned then looked at Danielle, who looked at her for her reaction before pushing the draft forward. "How?"

"I told you already, I have more than enough money." Danielle grinned. "Oh and I still want my mother's things back. I mean it, Bernie, I am going home tomorrow, I want them back before I head to the airport. I have spoken with Michael and Lourda, I have a guy coming to change the locks today and you will not be given a key, you are no longer responsible for anything in the house and you will not have to concern yourself with its maintenance or bills."

"Fine." Bernadette went for the bank draft, which Danielle pulled back.

"I will give this to Mr Roberts, you will sign that legal document, he will give us a copy each and you will get your money then."

"Are you trying to imply I would try to rob it?" Bernadette snapped, her face showing how appalled she was by the idea.

"No, but that is the legal process." Danielle scoffed, "So sign the damn paper so I can get on with my day. I need to go shopping for a dress."

"What would you want a dress for, you never wore dresses when your father was alive?" "I have something to go to as soon as I return to London, so chop-chop, I'm a busy woman."

* Danielle smiled as she drove to the airport. She had slept well enough as Tom's smell was still on the side of the bed that he had been on and knowing that they would return there soon, her holding the largest part of the home she always wanted making her excited and happy. She had gotten a dress the day before after the solicitors and with her hair and make-up booked, she looked forward to going home, to being home with Tom again, arranging for them to go public and finally be able to do things together. The idea of them and Mac going for a walk in Hampstead Heath was enticing in ways she could not vocalise, she knew at first there would be people annoying them, but she knew too that they would be old news again in the near future.

She handed back the car and went to the check-in desk, she knew Tom would be busy all day, he had to prep and get ready for the premier. He had texted earlier in the day to ask her how she was getting on, she gave him a story about getting the legal work signed and said little else before the car to ready him for the day arrived, so with 'I love you's' and goodbyes, they said they would talk later.

As it stood, she arrived in London on time and was able to get a taxi back to the house, it felt almost odd to be back and for Tom not to be there, but with too little time to worry about things, she rushed around, getting her bag and everything brought back upstairs and into the room, she looked around, Tom had it as it always was, but she realised that the bed was unkempt in the centre and not to the side, causing her to laugh slight, Tom clearly taking advantage of the greater space. She took out the dress and went into the wardrobe to get the shoes she knew would work with it. Just then, her phone rang. "Hey, Nacelle."

"So, I spoke to Henry, he said that he can fit you in, he is brilliant, I trained with him, I would not allow some half-wit at you."

"You're the best Nacelle."

"You know it darling, listen, how does lunch at ours sound next week?"

"Brilliant, day and time and I'll be there."

"Woohoo, we will wait until lover boy is on the road so you'll have something to do other than pine for him."

"I will not pine, I will mope quietly in a corner and pretend not to eat my own weight in Ben and Jerry's." Nacelle laughed. "I'll be fine, it's only two to three weeks."

"How was Ireland?"

"Wet, wetter than usual."

"So submerged then?"

"Effectively, here faired no better I can see."

"Apparently not if you listen to Becky. Anyway, I will talk to you later, Henry is lovely, he'll look after you."

"Thanks again Nacelle."

"Anytime girl, I'll look after you." Nacelle sang before hanging up the phone.

With her dress and shoes in hand, Danielle rushed outside and into the waiting taxi, texting the address as she went.

* Tom smiled brightly as the rain fell, there had been one question about Taylor, but he dismissed it, focusing on the movie instead, he smiled, posed and spoke with his fellow cast members for what seemed like an hour on the carpet. He loved that the tour was starting at home, he would be able to get another few days at home. More importantly, if Danielle could get everything sorted in Ireland, she could come home, he could spend a few more days with her before he left again, that caused him to smile more.

He joked and smiled as he, Brie Larson and Samuel Jackson stood together, being photographed and Jackson complained jokingly of the British weather. He began to walk into the cinema finally and sighed. Overall the evening was a success thus far. He took out his phone and looked at it, a few texts had come in, all of well wishes, but none from Danielle, which caused him to frown. She knew what time he was due to be in the cinema, she was usually one of the first to text, so it felt a slight bit disheartening. He looked at the celebrities that had come to the premiere also, the cameras flashing as they posed, he found himself hoping they enjoyed it. He also watched the others that had secured tickets, Emma said she was coming, so at least his little sister would be in the crowd, one of the first to give her opinion on it. He had not seen her enter, but the simple text 'we're here' had made its way to his phone, making him smile.

The movie was well edited, the CGI made all the imaginary running for his life look good, and from those who were present, it seemed to be well received, not Oscar-worthy, but good nonetheless. Again, he checked his phone a few times through the movie, but there was no word from Danielle. He was tempted to text, but as the first to clench his jaw when others did such things, he resisted, he would ring her when he was done. He watched as one woman rose from her seat in a manner that suggested she was trying to make as little of a nuisance of herself as possible and rushed up the aisle of the theatre. She was well dressed, her choice elegant, but Tom had to admit alluring also, he had not seen her outside posing for photos yet he felt as though he knew her, but he shook his head, she was of similar build to Danielle and he had not seen her face properly because she had not looked toward him in the darkened room.

There was a round of applause when the film ended and slowly the lights began to rise again. The room was a flurry of activity once more. Tom felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and when he saw Danielle's name, he grinned widely.

Danielle - I hope you had a great night and that the screening went well, I know it will do great with people. Why do I get the feeling you have made a new clatter of 'Hiddlestoners' with this one xx

Tom smiled as his brow furrowed, unsure what Danielle was referring to, but to see a text from her caused him to feel elated. With people congratulating him he shook hands and began to talk to people regarding the film.

The after-party was being held in a small club not far from the cinema, the list was shorter than the premiere one and in truth, as much as Tom enjoyed getting people's positive reactions, he wanted to go home.

He forced the smile onto his face as he stood with the same small flute of champagne in his hand after half an hour, counting down the minutes until he could leave.  "Well done." the first genuine smile came onto his face as he heard his sister's voice behind him. She embraced him tightly in a hug. "I actually really enjoyed that."

Tom chuckled, "you sound somewhat shocked by that statement."

"Well, remakes can go either way," Emma stated defensively.

"Where is Jack?" Tom looked around before looking to Emma again.

"At work, I told you this the other day."

"But you said 'we're here'."

"Yes," Emma grinned. "But I never mentioned Jack."

"Then…" Tom turned slightly and stared open-mouthed as he realised who was beside them. Feeling incredibly sheepish for noting the woman that had gone to the restroom during the movie was similar to his girlfriend, not realising it was actually her. Danielle's hair was tied back from her face, which had her make-up done to have a natural look and she donned a dress he knew for a fact she had not had in the closet before going to Ireland. "How…the house…?"

"Done and dusted yesterday, I flew home at lunchtime. Hello, by the way." Danielle smiled.

Tom immediately leant in and forced himself to only kiss her cheek. "Hello, I…I didn't think…"

"When Luke rang about that confirmation for the show, he asked if I planned on coming as a normal patron, I told him to see if I could keep a ticket aside, and when Bernadette all but snapped the bank draft from my hand, I knew I could make it."

"So it's done, you have the house?"

"I have half the house, but don't worry, I will get the other half soon." Danielle winked. She watched as Tom fought to prevent himself from declaring to the room about them, his eyes darting over her elegant dress which shaped her breasts perfectly. "Behave," she warned.

"This will be the longest two hours of my life." He groaned.

"What was it you called it before," Danielle teased as she leant in to whisper in Tom's ear so Emma would not hear. "Delayed Gratification." She grinned.

Danielle's dress

[aion-rsa]

Rick and Morty’s Most Gruesome Deaths

https://ift.tt/3m2NOh1

The super-slick, super-sick Rick and Morty brand is known for many things: the warped, borderline-abusive dynamic between its titular characters, its deliciously dark humour, the gleefulness it takes in capsizing the conventions of a thousand genre tropes. Then there are the catch-phrases, and the colourful cast of supporting characters – everything from fatally-depressed Mr Meseeks to embedded family friends like Mr Poopybutthole. What really characterises it though, is death. That it’s not the first association you make with the show is possibly a by-product of there being so damn much of it that it stops registering.

There are long deaths, slow deaths, good deaths, bad deaths, sad deaths, funky deaths, perfunctory deaths, ironic deaths, iconic deaths, horrid deaths, hilarious deaths and hectares of borderline disturbing deaths.

Here are the most gruesome, in all their gory glory, season by season. (It’s a testament to Rick and Morty’s perpetually heavy ante that a little girl having her head sliced off by a Freddy Krueger substitute doesn’t even make it onto the list.)

I hope you haven’t eaten yet.

S1, E3 ‘Anatomy Park’ Come Flay With Me

Morty fails to save a fellow miniaturised man when things go south in ‘Anatomy Park’, a themed pleasure experience situated inside the body of a chronically unwell homeless man. The poor soul is sucked through the dying tramp’s windpipe and out through his mouth, the skin and flesh being stripped from his bones in the process, leaving him a peeled human spit-ball.

S1, E3 ‘Anatomy Park’ Space Guts

Things aren’t any less gruesome when the bloated corpse of the tramp is made giant by science. It ends up floating in space – because of course it does – whereupon it’s blown to smithereens, sending bone and guts spiralling into the void.

S1, E5 ‘Meeseeks and Destroy’ Who You Gonna Kill?

Morty not only finds himself preyed upon by parasite zombie versions of his family, but also has to watch as they’re trapped, burned, squished, melted and pulled into a piece of trapping technology that Rick clearly ripped from Egon’s ghost-busting manual.

S1, E5 ‘Meeseeks and Destroy’ Fairytale Ending

A fairytale giant – in the ‘Fe Fi Fo Fum’ mould – slips in his kitchen and slams his skull on a table-top. He bleeds out, a look of mystified shock frozen in his eyes, convulsing as his life-force ebbs away. RIP childhood.

S1, E6 ‘Rick Potion #9’ RIP and Mortal

In a sequence as chilling as it is gruesome, Rick mishandles some super-dangerous piece of kit and blows himself and Morty to Kingdom Come. Their crumpled remains, spattered with blood, smash against the wall; Rick’s eye pops out. Our own – thankfully unscathed – Rick and Mortys arrive from a doomed neighbouring dimension to bury them and take their place.

S1, E8 ‘Rixty Minutes’ Lepre-gone

You should never watch Inter-dimensional TV on a full stomach. In this advert, a cereal-hocking leprechaun – the mascot of this universe’s favourite breakfast cereal, Strawberry Smiggles – is pinned down on a tree stump by a little boy and girl, who proceed to slit open his abdomen and feast on his spilled-out innards; even squeezing out cereal shapes from his intestines and gobbling them like Pez sweets.

S2, E4 ‘Total Rickall’ Memory Massacre

Morty and family encounter shape-shifting alien parasites that reproduce through implanting false memories in a host’s brain. Their pus-fountained death throes – as their bodies wither, wilt, and burst in a screaming fanfare of tentacles – is pretty gruesome to behold, but thankfully you become desensitised to it pretty quickly.

S2, E7 ‘Big Trouble in Little Sanchez’ Rick Kills Himselves

At least Rick is an equal opportunities murderer. Even another version of himself isn’t exempt from his nihilistic rage. Here he gleefully smashes, drop-kicks and hacks up his own glass-encased surrogates, leaving a pile of bloodied parts strewn across the floor.

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S2, E8 ‘Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate’ Man vs Car

Another Interdimensional TV segment, another stomach churner. Literally this time.  A punkish strongman is crushed to death under the wheels of a car he’d hoped to repel, his blood and body parts thrown from the fast-spinning tyres like fireworks from a Catherine Wheel.

S2, E8 ‘Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate’ Jerrymurdering

Jerry is violently shot to death, leaving his face a drooping, lacerated, blood-dripping husk. Thankfully he’s in a technologically sophisticated futuristic hospital that presumably offers socialised healthcare.

S2, E9 ‘Look Who’s Purging Now’ Mashes to Mashes

When Rick and Morty don robo-suits and enter the Purge, expect blood. When Rick hoists a purgee off the ground and pops his head off like it was a bottle-top, sending a fountain of blood arcing into the air, it’s pretty damn disgusting – and admittedly also a bit cool – but for gruesomeness you can’t beat the sight of two people having their heads slammed together leaving a mess of pink-hued, brain-flavoured mashed potato.

S3, E1 ‘The Rickshank Rickdemption’ Pop Goes the Weasel

In the midst of some inter-dimensional Rick and Morty-based carnage, a poor Morty is crushed to death with one swift trample, as if he were nothing more than a tube of toothpaste. His dead body lies on the ground like a stuffed tiger rug, his hollow eye sockets and melon-mouth aflame with blood.

S3, E2 ‘Rickmancing the Stone’ Bad Beth

Summer flips a Mad Max-style baddy’s death-machine, maiming him horribly. He drags his torso towards her from the wreck, on a slime of entrails, pleading with her to put him out of his misery. ‘OK,’ she says, ‘But not because you told me to.’

S3, E2 ‘Rickmancing the Stone’ Give Him a Big Hand

For maximum yuk, you really can’t beat Morty smashing skulls to a pulp in a Thunderdome-inspired death arena with his beefy, vengeful and murderously sentient replacement arm.

S3, E3 ‘Pickle Rick’ Rat-a-tat-splat

I’m going to condense multiple deaths into one here, all perpetrated by that mighty, vegetable-based superhero, Pickle Rick. First, he slices off a rat’s head with a trap and harvests its bones and sinew to add limbs to his pickle body. Next, he proceeds to dispatch a whole army of rats with his makeshift power-tools in a variety of brutal and ghastly ways: pummelling brains; suspending bleeding corpses from the ceiling; cutting them into strips, and even cleaving them in two. Riotously disgusting.

S3, E3 ‘Pickle Rick’ Laser Tag

Pickle Rick’s human opponents fall just as easily – and horrifically. The best, and messiest, kill is when Pickle Rick bores a laser-shot through the heads of three of his enemies, and then proceeds to stare cockily through the tunnelled lens of charred goo like some pickle-based James Bond.

S3, E4 ‘Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender’ Falling Down

Speaking of Superheroes, let’s say hello and goodbye to Morty’s favourite team, The Vindicators, most of whom met a particularly savage end. First there’s Vince Maximus, who flies into a ceiling vent, and is shot to death in such a spirit of Rambo-esque overkill that his disembodied legs drop to the ground like a downed plane.

S3, E4 ‘Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender’ See You Later Alligator (In a Pile, Crocodile)

Then there’s Croc-u-bot, splatted into a green pulp by a springing trap.

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S3, E5 ‘Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender’ Ants in His Pants

And the perpetually angry Alan Rails, whose gullet is invaded by the shifting, morphing body of Million Ants, who first inflates him then detonates him in a riot of guts.  

S3, E5 ‘The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy’ Game Over

This one if possibly the most viscerally gruesome death in the entire show. A little girl is shot through the head by her giggling boy pal just as Rick deactivates the invincibility shield protecting everyone inside the dome from death.

S3, E5 ‘The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy’ A Bug’s Death

Another death that’s psychologically, rather than physically, gruesome. Three little bug-people sit toasting each other’s health and happiness. ‘Let’s just relax and enjoy our retirement,’ says one, as he’s snatched by a bird of prey and carried to his doom. The last thing we see of him as he’s ferried to his horrible off-screen death is the open portal of his screaming mouth.

S3, E6 ‘Rest and Ricklaxation’ Party Poopers

A furry party-entertainer and a bunch of happy young kids are engulfed in a toxicity field. An angry exchange ensues, which culminates in the brutal beating, beheading and evisceration of the entertainer. They’re also available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

S3, E7 ‘The Ricklantis Mixup’ Morty’s Flush

Thousands of dead Rick and Mortys float eerily through space having been tossed from the airlock by a homicidal Morty.

S4, E1 ‘Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat’ Crystal Death Addiction

When Morty first gazes upon the death crystal we see a shimmering smorgasbord of possible deaths. If you’ve got a fast pausing-hand, or the eyes of a spider, you’ll see such memorably brutal deaths as: Morty being sucked through a spacecraft toilet and ejected into the cold, airless void of space; dropped into a nest of giant baby birds and torn asunder; decapitated by an elevator door; and even falling from a skyscraper and being whisked to death by helicopter blades.

S4, E1 ‘Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat’ Rick’s Crystal Maze

Rick carks it in some hellishly grizzly ways, too. He’s torn in half by Squanch, is eaten by a giant spider, has his head splattered open like a melon by a swinging log, and – in perhaps the most horrific segment – has his body churned through a rectangular aperture in a giant Play Doh maker.

S4, E1 ‘Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat’ Clunk, click. Dead Rick.

Rick soon after dies for real (but not forever) in a spacecraft crash following some death-crystal-related shenanigans, smashing through the windscreen and impaling himself on a spike.

S4, E1 ‘Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat’ The Wasp Factory

Extra points for top tier body-horror gruesomeness with this one. Wasp Rick lays eggs in giant Rick’s eye, causing fast-hatching grubs to spill out from his massive mouth. Seconds later, a horde of Rick-wasps hatches en masse from his face, splitting it open like an overboiled hot-dog. Yuk!

S4, E3 ‘One Crew Over the Crewcoo’s Morty’ Treachery Will Tear Us Apart

Heist artist Miles Knightley is torn apart like a chicken dinner by a medley of bizarre alien creatures – a cross between the ghosts from The Real Ghostbusters intro sequence and something that fell out of Clive Barker’s nightmares – whose piece de resistance is yanking the skin from his wet skull like it’s a bad mask. 

Are there any particularly gruesome deaths you’d like to add to the list? Or would you like to weigh in on which of these fatalities repulsed or horrified you the most?

The post Rick and Morty’s Most Gruesome Deaths appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3bCWI0f

[eldritchsurveys]

680.

Do you or have you ever owned a cup with your name on it? >> Actually, I have two. One time there was this dude in Meijer who was doing a promotion for Guinness, and the promo was apparently... giving out custom-engraved pint glasses???? You told him your name and he had this machine that put it on the glass for you. It was weird, especially since it was free... The font that your name is in is a bit wack, though. The other thing I have is a wine glass painted with a nighttime-y scene with skeletal trees and ravens on it. It has my name painted on the stand part, along with the date of my wedding. Sparrow has one too, with her name on it. I’m not even sure where they came from, tbh, but they’re pretty.

What’s the most expensive crafts tool that you own? >> I don’t think I own any expensive crafts tools. The only things I have are, like, pencils, a sketchbook, knitting needles, and yarn.

Have you ever woven baskets of any kind (wicker, paper, cardboard etc.)? >> Maybe as a child.

How do you like Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis? >> It’s all right.

Speaking of Jerry Lee Lewis, have you seen the biopic about him? >> I don’t think so.

How about the biopic about Tina Turner? >> Yeah, I saw that one.

Do you like the TV-show Frasier? >> I do, it’s actually funnier to me now than when I was younger. Back then I thought it was boring but it kills me now.

What’s something you know by heart? >> A lot of song lyrics? Also, the Litany Against Fear.

What is something you’re greedy about? >> I don’t think I’m particularly greedy about anything.

How valuable does a coin have to be for you to bother to pick it up? >> I’d pick up a quarter, maybe. I’m just no longer in the financial position where picking up coins substantially enhances my available funds.

What would be something you would wait in line to get for free? >> It depends on how long the line is, what kind of mood I’m in, and where I am... not just on what the item is. If I’m in a good mood and the line seems manageable, I’d wait in it even if the item is just some random trinket that I have no real use for. If I’m not in a good mood and the line is insane, I wouldn’t wait in it even if it was for an expensive thing I’ve been wanting for ages.

Has there ever been a leak anywhere in your house? >> No.

Have you ever slipped in the shower? >> Not to the point of falling.

Have you ever made any decorative crafts? If so, are they displayed? >> Not in recent memory.

Is it very humid where you are right now? >> Nah.

What is the most suggestive thing someone has said to you? >> *shrug*

Do you have friends who you playfully flirt with? >> No.

Doesn’t the Z in the Bzoink logo look like an L to you, too? >> I mean, not really, but I see where you’re coming from.

Did you ever take that 5000 question survey that was circulating Tumblr? >> Yeah, I took it a long time ago. Once the novelty wore off, I realised that most of the questions were just terrible IMO, which is bound to happen once you endeavour to write a survey with quite that many questions.

Have you ever had to change a zipper in your favourite article of clothing? >> No.

Do you prefer buttons or zippers in general? >> Zippers.

Did you grandma have a box full of pretty buttons? >> ---

What’s the most exotic spice in your spice rack? >> Hmm... garam masala, maybe? We have a wide variety.

Do buttons tempt you to press them? >> Not usually, but sometimes.

Do you have a favourite television host? >> No.

What’s your opinion on celebrity chefs? >> I think some of them are cool and fun to watch. Alton Brown is probably my fave.

Back when it first started, did you watch ANTM? >> I think I’ve seen a season or two. I knew someone who got on it, too (Isis King).

Did you know, that there was even a Finnish version of ANTM? Miss Jay made an appearance in the first season, too. >> No, I didn’t know that, but it makes sense. There are a bunch of those shows modeled after American Idol, too, for different countries.

Are you accident prone? >> No.

Have you ever broken something really valuable? >> I accidentally broke a laptop screen once, and that was pretty damn valuable to me.

What do you see as timeless? >> ---

What is something that you own, that has sentimental value? >> Most of these plushies.

Have you ever had your own website? >> Yeah, I’ve taken stabs at it.

What’s your favourite board game? >> ---

How about your favourite card game? >> ---

What’s something that you finished recently? >> I finished watching Sparrow play through Death Stranding, lol. I’m glad it was her and not me, because I’m pretty sure that game would have made me ragequit within the first few hours, and that would have been a shame.

What’s the smallest town you recall visiting? >> I have no idea.

What’s the longest distance you’ve had to go to work or school? >> ---

Would you learn a new language, if you didn’t share one with your lover? >> Oh, like in Love Actually? I mean, I can’t imagine myself in that situation, but I thought it was cute.

Do you have friends who are constantly tagging you in challenges on FB? >> No. People who have me on facebook should know I prefer to do my actual fun socialising on here or Discord.

When it comes to chocolate, do you prefer nougat, jelly or caramel filling? >> ---

Are you more concerned about winning than just participating? >> No.

Has somebody you know taken their own life? >> No.

What is a number that has some significance to you? Why is that? >> 9. Well, there’s a lot of synchronicity.

Do you prefer onions, leeks or chives? >> I don’t think I have a preference, I’ll take all three. Onions may be the most versatile, though, so maybe those.

What’s the most adult thing you have to do every day? >> I don’t think I have to do any adult thing every day. Maybe feeding myself is an adult thing? Although teenagers and even kids do that too.

What’s the most immature thing you like to do every day? >> ---

Have you seen the movie, Clue? If so, isn’t it fab? >> No, but I’ve seen some funny gifsets that make me think it’d probably be a good time. I might give it a shot if I run into it on a streaming service one day.

Do your cheeks get flushed easily? Do you blush easily in general? >> No, I’ve never felt that feeling.

Are there any social cues you miss entirely? >> Oh, definitely.

When someone doesn’t smile back at you, what’s your first thought? >> They probably didn’t want to, and that’s okay. I don’t always want to smile at everyone who smiles at me, either, and it shouldn’t be a mark against my character just because I don’t smile at a stranger. But, you know, whatever. Any stranger that takes that much offense at me not smiling at them probably wouldn’t get along with me for very long anyway, so it’s a useful social litmus test in the end.

Is there a person who melts your heart just by looking at you? >> No. Well, maybe Can Calah sometimes.

Have you ever had tom kha kai? It’s a Thai coconut soup, and it’s amazing. We serve it at work. >> No, but I’d definitely try it.

Have you, or anyone you know ever been rude to a server? >> I’ve never had the experience of having to watch someone I’m with be rude to a server and I am so glad for that.

What’s something you’re opinionated and very vocal about? When’s the last time you had to verbally defend your stance? >> I don’t know. I don’t really defend any stance of mine, I just put it out there sometimes if I feel like rambling about it and then leave it alone. Arguing with people about shit that ultimately really don’t matter is a waste of my valuable energy.

Have you ever played BitLife? I sort of got hooked on it, it’s like sims but in text form. >> No. I quite like the graphical form of The Sims, so I’ll stick to that.

What’s something you regularly order online? >> CBD.

When’s the last time you made a penpal? >> I’ve never had one.

Do you often make friends online? >> I make a lot of acquaintances online. Friends are far fewer.

Do people ever try to get something from somebody through you? As in, they ask you to ask the person they should be asking in the first place. If that makes sense. >> No. Which is good, because I wouldn’t do it.

What do you think when you see a couple holding hands? >> Nothing???

Is there anything you’re forced to share with someone else? >> No.

What’s something stripy that you own? >> I have a black-and-royal-blue striped robe with the Ravenclaw logo on the back.

How about something polka dotted? >> Nothing.

What is something you find absolutely appalling? >> Some people’s utterly disrespectful behaviour on this website.

Do you like elevators? >> I mean, they’re fine. I don’t dislike them.

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say “midnight madness”? >> Like... premieres? Or book releases? Or something like that. I have a vague association but I can’t remember exactly where it comes from.

What is a country you would never want to visit? >> ---

When you’re angry, does it ever get physical? >> Well, yeah, but not necessarily towards someone else.

What do you do, when you’re immensely happy? >> It depends on how I feel like expressing it at the time? Sometimes I don’t express it much at all, and sometimes I literally jump around the room.

What made you scream out loud the last time you screamed? >> ---

Can you hear your neighbours through the wall? >> Sometimes.

What is something that frustrates you to no end? >> Noise.

Do you wear shoes indoors? >> Absolutely not.

Who is your favourite stand-up comedian? >> Bo Burnham, Dylan Moran, and in general I’m fond of how Tiffany Haddish presents as a person and performer.

What’s the weirdest video youtube has suggested to you? >> It doesn’t usually suggest me anything weird.

What’s the funniest infomercial you’ve seen? >> ---

Is there a drink that just goes right through you? >> I don’t feel that way about any drink, no.

Is there a food item you can’t eat because it doesn’t agree with you? >> Not that I’ve encountered.

Do you playfully compete with someone about something? >> No.

Would you rather swim or run? >> I can’t swim, so my options are a little limited here.

Do you like the smell of tar? >> Sometimes, yeah.

Have you ever been to a sauna? >> No. I couldn’t last two minutes in a sauna.

Does your doorbell ring unexpectedly often? >> Not often, but sometimes people will ring multiple apartments trying to get into the building, which is fucking irritating.

Is your favourite fictional character a human, an animal or something else? >> I am my favourite fictional character. /facetious

Have you ever helped a stranger? If so, what did you do? >> I mean, sure. Just simple stuff, like picking up something they’ve dropped or letting them know they’ve left their key in the apartment door or dropping their mail off when it gets mistakenly put into my box.

Do you share hobbies with any of your friends? What do you do together? >> ---

Do you have any flags on display? If so, what flag(s)? >> I don’t. Sparrow has a rainbow flag with a peace sign in the middle on her wall.

[lyricalbowties]

ENOUGH || Self-Para 11/28

Tagging→  Blaine Anderson (Anderson clan, mentions of Rachel Berry, Kurt Hummel, and Sebastian Smythe.) Where→  Anderson Home. Florence, OR When→ 11/28/19 Warnings→  homophobia

Blaine had done his absolute best to keep away from his family as much as possible on Wednesday. There was a lot Thanksgiving prep going on and this year, apparently, his mother wanted to entertain. When Blaine realized it was due to the family wanting to meet Rachel, he felt a whole new wave of guilt and terror. Blaine was quick to make a lie about Rachel being sick and unable to make it, but it didn’t stop the passive aggressive comments. Hence, the reason for Blaine’s hiding.

It was another lie but Blaine didn’t know what else to do. He wasn’t sure how his family was going to take the truth. Or the partial truth of it all. He was always so afraid around them and there was always that need to be perfect. To try and be Cooper. Even if Blaine knew he wasn’t perfect, he still needed to be just like his brother. He couldn’t wait to get back to Ginsburg and his friends. To Kurt. Since finding those notes, Blaine couldn’t stop thinking of Kurt.

As he continued to unpack the night before, Blaine found two additional notes..

(Third note): A blue post-it note, folded and tucked inside Blaine's perfectly folded and creased pants. "I am writing this with my injured wrist. And you aren't here to yell at me. I am thinking this is the beginning of my rebellious phase. Could I pull off vibrant colored hair?" There's a doodle of "rebel" Kurt on the back, with exaggerated features such as eye liner makeup, spiky accessories, and spiked hair in weird directions.

(Fourth & final note): An orange post-it note is folded and tucked inside the suitcases corner. "If you're reading this, that means I'm entitled to a FaceTime with you before I forget what you look like. - K PS. Also if you don't, I officially am swapping living conditions with you. This is my pantry now." 

He was careful to keep all four of them and placed them into the cover of a book he brought back with him. The last note Blaine had memorized word for word and could almost hear Kurt’s voice when he read it or thought about it. He had been tempted to FaceTime him so many times on Wednesday but Blaine wanted to keep quiet so he wouldn’t be roped in to any chores or more passive aggressive comments from his mother.

When Thursday finally came, Cooper arrived. Blaine was pleased he had not been there the day before because he wasn’t sure if he could handle two whole days of his brother. He showed up at 11 to the house and within the hour his aunt Penelope and uncle Jerry, his father’s brother and his snooty second wife, arrived. Thankfully, Blaine’s cousin Andrew an equally snooty thirteen-year-old was off at his mother’s house for Thanksgiving. That was just another thing for the family to gripe about. Blaine liked his Aunt Joan and was actually sad when they divorced. She was a gem and yet somehow her son turned out to be a spawn of Satan. Andrew seemed more like his stepmother’s biological child as they had the worst attitudes of anyone Blaine had met. 

His mother’s sister Mae was unable to join as she and her husband had moved to North Dakota a month prior and still had a lot of work to do around the house. Blaine didn’t mind them so much and wished they had been able to come because it would have been nice to have some kind of buffer. Mae didn’t think Cooper was all that talented and challenged him each time they were together. Blaine loved it. 

Instead he was trapped with his parents, his brother, his step-aunt and uncle, and his older cousin Regina (Mae’s daughter) and her husband and annoying six year old twins Emma and Maggie. 

Blaine could really use a drink and he knew there was no chance to sneak one. He dressed in the outfit Kurt had clearly picked out for him and before heading down to the variable hell that would be dinner, he snapped a picture of himself in the bathroom mirror and sent it along to Kurt with the message…

Here you go. My good side. By the way, thanks for dressing me. And thanks for the notes.

Dinner started off as normal as they could get and it was a lot of talk about how each adult member of the family was doing, discussing work and other boring things. Cooper came in with talk about his show and the fans and how well his book was doing. Blaine hoped that they could eat the rest of their dinner without any kind focus on Blaine.

“So, Blaine. How’s Ginsburg?” His uncle Jerry asked as they moved onto dessert. Naturally, he couldn’t get so lucky.

“Oh, it’s good.” Blaine replied with a small smile.

“Good?” Jerry replied. “Your father is paying thousands of dollars a year for good?”

“Actually,” Blaine started, his eyes flickering over to the other end of the table at his parents. “They aren’t paying for me.”

“Not paying for you?” Penelope asked sounding a little taken aback.

His father cleared his throat. “Well, Blaine got in on scholarships.”

“And loans.” Blaine mumbled.

“What’s the matter James are you too hard up for money you can’t pay for his schooling?” Jerry continued as if his brother had said nothing.

“Jerry, he said that Blainey got in on scholarships.” Penelope said reaching for the apple pie.

Blaine hated that she called him Blainey.

Regina decided to butt in while her husband dealt with the gravy that had been spilled down one of the twin’s dresses. “Scholarships are admirable.” She said. “Means you’re really smart. What are you studying again?”

“Music therapy.” Blaine was doing his best to remain as polite as possible because he knew inevitably what was coming.

“What the hell is that?” Jerry asked a little uncouth, and his wife smacked him on the arm for using such language at the dinner table. “What? I mean what the hell is music therapy?”

“It’s uhm,” Blaine hesitated. “It’s uhm, well it’s a therapist who uses music as a way to help their patients who suffer from emotional or mental-“

“Jesus, that’s what you’re sending him to school for?” Jerry angrily cut off a piece of pumpkin pie and shoved it into his mouth.

“Well, it has been proven to show a lot of—”

“Yeah yeah,” Jerry waved his hand to quiet Blaine. “Sounds like a bunch of stuff for fairies if you ask me.”

Blaine felt as if someone had reached in and squeezed his heart. And Sebastian wondered why he had a problem coming out to his family. He took a shaky breath and tried to keep calm.

“Blaine’s really good.” Cooper spoke this time and Blaine was genuinely surprised. He looked over at his brother, waiting for the other shoe to drop. “He had a showcase in September and he nailed it.”

Blaine smiled a little at his brother who returned his gaze and winked. Cooper was…defending him. And he used his actual name and didn’t call him Squirt. 

“Yeah that’s fine and well for a hobby, but what about a real carrier. Like being a lawyer, a doctor, even a politician.”

“Well, I plan on getting a doctoral degree in-” Blaine started before he was cut off. 

“I think what Jerry means is a real doctor.” Penelope said. “Regina pass the whip cream, would you?”

Blaine’s brow furrowed. “That is a re-”

“Trust me, Jerry we’ve tried to talk Blaine into other majors.” His father replied taking a sip of his wine. 

Blaine hated that he was being talked about like he wasn’t in the room. He blinked and stared dumbfounded at his father. He wasn’t surprised, he had previously known his father’s feelings on his major. But he was a little surprised he was talking about it at all. Normally his parents were quiet about the whole affair. 

“Doesn’t seem like there is much money in music therapy.” Regina commented. 

“I’m not doing it for the money. I want to help people.”

“You could be a doctor and help people.” Penelope said. 

“A lawyer is a nice profession.” Jerry said, pointing his fork at Blaine. 

“It could be lovely to have a lawyer in the family.” His mother commented. 

“I don’t want to be any of those things.” Blaine said raising his voice to be heard. 

“How is he going to marry with a job like music therapist.”

“Oh Blaine’s seeing someone now!” Cooper said. 

“Really? And she isn’t here?” Regina nearly bounced out of her seat. 

“You sure it’s a she?” Jerry laughed. 

“Yes!” Cooper scowled. “She’s adorable. A fan too! She read my book and I gave her a signed copy after dinner the other week.”

“What do you mean by you sure it’s a she?” His father asked.

“Well, to be honest I didn’t think he’d find a girl.” Jerry shrugged. 

“Why isn’t she here?” Penelope asked leaning over to his mother. 

“Blaine says she’s sick. The flu, I think he said. But she’ll be here for Christmas.”

There was so much conversation going on simultaneously around the table it was hard for Blaine to find a way in. 

“Actually, I doubt she will be. She’s Jewish.” Cooper said with pie in his mouth. 

“Cooper, manners.” Their father chided. 

“Jewish?” Penelope blinked and put a hand on her chest. “You couldn’t find a Christian girl? Are they short on those there?”

“I’m sure she’s lovely.” His mother assured. 

“I’m just asking. But I suppose beggers can’t be choosers.”

“ENOUGH!” Blaine shouted, slamming his hands on the table. He was seething by this point. All eyes were on him and the table was silent. There was a lot to touch on in the conversations that were happening and Blaine wasn’t sure where to start. And while he stood there deciding his father spoke up. 

“Blaine.” His tone was even and his stare cold. “Kitchen. Now.” 

He clenched his jaw and hesitated but he shrunk under his father’s gaze. Blaine glanced around the table and each member of his family looked at him various levels of outrage on their faces. His mother looked disappointed and when his eyes fell onto Cooper there was something more like pity there. He followed his father into the kitchen. 

“Dad, I-” He started to apologize as they entered the kitchen but his father rounded on him. 

“No, I don’t want to hear it.” He said trying to keep his voice quiet but the anger was very evident. If not in his tone then on his face. “How dare you raise your voice to your mother and I let alone your aunt and uncle. You will go back out there and apologize for your behavior-”

“My behavior?” Blaine scoffed. “Did you hear the things they were saying? Why should I apologize, I have nothing to apologize for!”

His father waved his hands to silence Blaine. “You have embarrassed me enough tonight.”

Blaine felt tears start to well up in the corner of his eyes. “Why, Dad? Because I’m not Cooper? Because I’m doing something I love rather than what you want?”

“That’s enough Blaine.” 

“No. It’s not. You have always stood up for Cooper and just told me it’s not enough. It’s never enough.” Blaine blinked trying to see through the tears that ran down his cheeks, not stopping to wipe them away. “Cooper is an actor. An actor and me wanting to be a therapist isn’t good enough for you?”

 Blaine wasn’t sure where he found the courage to say all of this. He normally nodded and just did what his parents told him, he wanted them to be proud. But right now, Blaine was too angry to think straight.

“Blaine.” His father said through gritted teeth. “I’m warning you.”

“You let them talk down about my major, about what I want to do with my life. About my girlfriend. And you think I’m out of line? You’re my father can’t you stand up for me once in a while?”

“I said that was enough!” He father shouted. His father took a deep breath and lowered his voice. “It’s hard to stand up for my son when he’s a disappointment. Turn after turn a disappointment.” 

Blaine recoiled at the volume of his father’s voice. He had never been shouted at like that before. It was always a quiet unspoken disappointment never said to his face. 

“Now you can either go in there and apologize, or excuse yourself for the evening. And honestly, I think it would be better if you just went to your room for the rest of the night.” His father wouldn’t look at him now.

Blaine didn’t know what else to say. He just nodded and silently left the kitchen and made his way to the stairs and up to his room and quietly shut the door behind him.

[me-and-my-gaster]

Broken Cigarettes

Summary:  Rus found a solution to his problems

Notes:  Yeah, well this happened. Because @messedupessy  is a butt and reacts with angst and hurt and overall dark ideas when I just share music with her. So there you go, bby. Your trash boy in his last trashy moments.

The song that inspired this dark drabble - The Mystic by Adam Jensen

Tags: Major Character Death, Swapfell Papyrus, Mentioned Drug Abuse, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide, description of falling down, swearing, mentioned Jerry

You have been warned.

Read on AO3

or 

HERE~!

The smoke from the cigarette in his left hand swirled over his head and slowly ascended to the yellow stained ceiling. With a slow exhale that obscured his vision he closed his eye sockets for a moment and ignored the cold sensation in his right arm. He didn’t even bother to take another drag as he felt that his nicotine stick didn’t do anything for him this time. Not that he minded this, fuck no. It was almost welcome now.

He put out his half-smoked cigarette breaking it in half in the process. There were a lot of burnt holes around him on the mattress he was sitting on, accumulated over the past half year he lived in this smelly room. It wasn’t smelly when he moved in, of course, but that didn’t change anything - the landlord was too much of a wimp to do anything about this. He probably wouldn’t come here until Rus was a month late to pay his rent again. Good for him, right?

The skeleton shifted a little on his spot and noticed that the sweater sleeve to his right got hollow during this one last smoke. Well, that happened. He wasn’t surprised to see that but it was still kinda hilarious... was he high again...?

Nah. Nothing he took before made him feel so light headed and calm. And a little cold. Every fancy named shit he put in his scarred body made him either stupidly giddy and full of energy to spend he didn’t actually have or just clouded his mind to the point of feeling like he was dreaming. Right now, his mind was quite sharp though at the same time the whole world around him seemed distant. Maybe it was because it didn’t even matter.

Rus slowly fished the phone out of his pants - which was a fucking tedious thing to do when the device was stuck in his right back pocket - and looked at it though half-lidded eye sockets.

Should he even call anybody now? How did that work for normal people? He didn’t actually plan this but Rus was shit when it came to planning anything. Winging everything most of his life led him here, so why the hell should he change his habits now, right? Let’s do this.

His bony thumb tapped on the screen as he brought up the contact list. Or more like dealers list with occasional “unnamed number” he never bothered to save. There were a few he remembered by heart and didn’t need an ID to recognize. He wondered whether somebody even knew that he did this.

Rus hesitated when he saw Stretch’s number, very tempted to pick him for that last call. He shifted on the mattress again just to scratch the weird itch at his right ankle with the other feet but the sensation stopped soon enough, so he just kicked the empty sock away. His eye lights didn’t leave the small screen though.

It was probably a very bad idea. The guy always seemed to try and save the whole fucking world for some reason, Rus in it included. He was so weird, that sweet fucker. He would probably feel awful and all that guilt shit... he didn’t deserve that. Besides, there was a nagging thought in the back of Rus’ cracked skull that told him that Stretch’s voice might make this process longer and he didn’t feel like going through it. Yeah, no... enough is enough. For both of them.

He huffed in exasperation and scratched the crack under his eye socket with the back of his hand before swiping through the list again. His mama probably wouldn’t pick up today... maybe not even for a few weeks after the shit he pulled, so there was no point in wasting his effort. And bothering his brother at this hour wouldn’t amount to anything too. It was late and he was either already sleeping off his day or pulling an all-nighter at work. Rus was positive he would be greeted with an unhappy voice that was too tired of his shit if he even picked up. And then what...? He wouldn’t believe if he said goodbye. Rus vaguely remembered he had already done that a few times during some pretty bad trips.

The device’s screen turned off for a second but he tapped at it again to bring it back. He closed the contact list and randomly picked the first application he saw - some undernet messaging shit. He might as well kill the time by doing something to occupy his mind. It was fucking annoying, honestly, to fall apart bone by bone like this. And really fucking cold.

Rus wrote something stupid to one of the people he liked to harass over the net. Somehow, the only other person online now was Jerry, so it should suffice. That dumb monster always took the bait and got overly emotional about his trolling.

He slowly tapped some taunting messages to him and noticed his spelling got even worse than usual. It didn’t matter though, the seed had been planted and his phone was already buzzing in his hand from the rapid answers of the outraged monster. His hand landed on his lap bonelessly and he just stared at the screen to see the drama unfold.

It was actually funny in that painfully ironic way. The last person he would interact in his life would be Jerry, of them all. It kinda fit his fucked up life, from start to finish, right?

A bitter laugh escaped him and it was the last sound he made before his face crumbled into dust, leaving a golden tooth and a cheap nose ring behind. The phone buried in a heap of clothes and dust buzzed a few more times before getting still.

The battery was half full when the screen turned off and it lasted for a while. But nobody called him and nobody sent any message until it was drained empty and finally shut down.

[coffee-n-bagels-comic-universe]

Superheroes with Secrets: A Kiss Per Dollar (Fic part 125) (Set in 2001)

Around 2000 Words. 18+ in places.

please inform me if you wish to be tagged/untagged from posts.

Tags: @piratewithvigor

‘Giantess’ Kirby Roussimoff x Shane ‘Hurricane’ Helms (Circa 2001)

Reference Posts: Shane ‘Hurricane’ Helms

Kirby ‘The Blacklight Bandit’ Roussimoff

"I love you, and I have no doubts that the baby also loves you."

"Hope you're right about that."

"Shane, just, believe me on that, okay, I'm certain that the baby will love you, up until they become a teenager and say they hate us constantly." She half-jokes.

"We'll still love them through those years, at least."

"Yeah, no matter what, they're our baby, our first baby."

"We'll be loving all our babies the same."

"Yeah, but I'm still getting used to the whole being pregnant thing, ya know?"

"I know." He laughs.

"And I don't think our first baby is going to be our only baby." She jokes.

"Neither do I."

"Babe, what would you say if I got my sternum tattooed?"

"That depends, what do you want to put there?"

"Maybe a small collection of superhero symbols."

"That sounds damn cool. So you can do the superman thing and pull open your shirt and boom, there's the logo."

"Yeah, I was gonna ask you to choose your favourite superheroes so I could have a line of your favourites going between my boobs."

"That's already my happy place. Trying to turn it into a man cave?" He laughs.

"Not if you have a problem with it." She chuckles.

"No problem here."

"So, turning my tits into your man cave is a yes?" She jokes.

"Yes please."

"Now I'm tempted to get a crop top with 'property of Shane Helms' written on it."

"That sounds like a genius merch idea."

"We could do a couple's photoshoot, with matching shirts." She chuckles.

"Maybe as a maternity shoot."

"Aww, that's actually an adorable idea."

"Maternity shoots are cool as fuck. And a lot of fun."

"Shaney baby..." She whispers.

"Yeah?"

"What's your favourite flavour of ice cream?"

"Peanut butter. Yours?"

"I like those weird flavours that Ben and Jerry's create, and I also like cookies and cream, and mango sorbet."

"You're definitely right on all of them"

"Shane, what's the weird blue flavoured slushy? Blue raspberry or something?" She asks, cocking an eyebrow in curiosity.

"Yup. Blue raspberry. Had to make an iconic blue fruit cause blueberry is a hard flavor to get and this way, if someone gets blue and their loved one gets red, their tongues become purple."

"Can we do that?" She asks gently, blushing a light pink.

"Of course."

Kirby smiles softly, blushing a little deeper.

"You want red or blue?"

"Uhm ... red, please."

"Then I'll get blue."

Kirby nods in agreement.

"Can't wait to have a purple tongue."

"You told me that just so you can kiss me, didn't you." She teases jokingly.

"Maaaaybe."

"Cheeky little beastie."

"That's why you love me."

"Oui, mon mari." She nods.

"And I love you too."

"I'm all yours, mon amour, until the last star dies."

"Write that down for me. What you just said, write it down, okay?"

Kirby reaches into her bag for her notebook, writing down her words, "why do you want me to write this down?" She asks gently.

"You'll find out." He grins.

"Okay, Hon, I'll wait for you to tell me or show me what you're planning." She smirks.

"You'll see it soon enough."

Kirby pats his thigh as Helms pulls up outside a 7-11.

"Gonna join me?"

"Only if I'm allowed to pay for everything." She states.

"You drive a hard bargain, miss, but we need road snacks and two hands won't be enough."

"Let ya rich wife pay for things." She fake pouts.

"Okay, you win this round. But I get to kiss you once for each dollar you spend."

"Deal." She nods as she grabs her purse and climbs out of the car.

"I like this arrangement."

"I hoped you would." She whispers as she kisses his jawline.

"We can make things work out fine. Now I just gotta get you to buy the Seven-Eleven so I can kiss you forever."

"I'm not buying the building, mon ange, perhaps everything inside, but not the building." She notes.

"Understood."

"But you may make me buy anything you want, Shaney baby, regardless of where we are, if we keep this arrangement."

"That works for me."

"I love you, mon mari."

"I love you too, Kirby."

"You don't think I have a weird first name?" She asks gently.

"No? Why would I?"

"Well, I just," She sighs, "I'm not used to people actually liking my name, they shorten it to the first letter and avoid calling me by my name, and I just... I thought you wouldn't like my name when we met." She admits sheepishly.

"It reminds me of happy times. I know it's probably a little weird to compare you to a pink marshmallow, but I think it just makes you cuter to share a name."

"Okay, I'll admit, that's adorable, I didn't even realise that." She murmurs.

"Just like you."

Kirby blushes a deep red, immediately looking away from Helms.

"Am I embarrassing?" He grins.

"You're being too cute, it's making me have butterflies in my stomach." She murmurs.

"I'd have hoped it was a baby in there. Having an affair with Butterfly Man?" He teases, laughing.

"Shane, shush, you know I mean the meta... mete ... the thing." She murmurs, her English failing her.

"The metaphor?"

"Yes, that." She nods.

"I know. I'm just teasing."

"I know, I know." She looks down, not wanting Shane to know she's ashamed of herself.

"What size slushy you feeling?" He asks, hoping to distract her.

"As big as possible." She murmurs, an excited spark in her eyes as she looks at Helms.

"The super gulp." He nods, grinning.

If Kirby's eyes could change colour they'd probably turn yellow from her excitement, but alas, they can't so she settles for pulling Helms into a small and slightly rough kiss. Kirby pulls away to grab a basket and start filling it with road snacks and drinks, bending down in front of Helms. He gives her butt a discreet little pinch as he picks out snacks from beside her. Kirby smirks, wiggling her butt slightly as she looks through the options on the shelves.

"Big ol tease." He laughs.

"Wouldn't tease if you didn't pinch my ass." She whispers as she stands up. "Mon ange, do you wanna dye your hair?" She asks, pulling Helms into a gentle kiss.

"I might in the future."

"We'll need to bleach your hair blonde first, you know."

"I know. I'll have to sacrifice some of the fluffy softness."

"Not if you do it correctly." She notes.

"Really?"

"My hair feels soft, doesn't it? Would you ever believe that I dyed my hair dark brown?"

"It's very soft, but that was probably a while ago, wasn't it?"

"Admittedly I was sixteen at the time, but I'm sure Jeff's an expert on hair dye."

"He is. And his hair is crunchy."

"Probably because he doesn't wait between bleaching and dying it."

"Sounds right. He goes through as many colors as I do pancakes."

"Now you're making me want pancakes." She murmurs as she kisses his jawline.

"Craving? Or just hungry?"

"Not sure."

"I'm sure there's a Denny's we can pop into."

"Are Denny's any good, though, cause we could postpone the pancakes until tomorrow morning." She suggests.

"The thing about Denny's is that they're delicious, but only when you're fucked up or it's past midnight."

"Then, mon mari, I suggest we wait until tomorrow morning and I'll make pancakes, just need to get the ingredients."

"I'm sure somewhere we stop will have pancake mix for sale."

"No no, I don't use pancake mix, I make it, lets me put more love and effort into what I cook." She smiles.

"Ooh, very fancy."

"I taught myself how to cook, so I might as well make dishes with high quality ingredients and lots of love."

"That makes sense."

"And if I'm destined to have a large family, then I might as well try and be as good a mother as possible, cook, clean, do all the traditional stuff."

"And teach me how to do it so it isn't always on you."

"Okay, I'll teach you everything I know about making the ranch house feel and look like the perfect home, oh, and how to cook too." She half-jokes.

"Thank you. I don't want to be the lame husband who doesn't know how to do jack shit."

"You won't be, I won't let you do nothing, I'll teach you anything you want me to, c'mere my love." She whispers, pulling Helms into a gentle kiss.

"You'll have to teach me quite a bit." He chuckles sheepishly.

"Hon, I'll be happy to teach you everything I know." She whispers as she kisses his temple.

"Good." He grins, kissing her back.

"I love you, mon mari. Now, c'mon, make me spend as much as possible, so you can kiss me all over." She chuckles.

"Working on it. I'm being responsible, but not too responsible."

"This is one of few times you should be as wild as possible."

"That's a good point."

Kirby smirks as she kisses his jawline, walking away to look for condoms. Helms ends up gathering a ton of snacks in his arms, refusing to grab a basket for them. Kirby stifles a laugh before she walks up to Helms, holding out the basket for him.

"It's my duty as a stubborn father to always carry slightly more than I should be able to."

"Just put some stuff in the basket." She sighs.

"Fine, but I get to give you one extra kiss in return."

"Deal." She nods.

"Good. Now everyone's happy again."

Kirby pulls Helms close to her, kissing his temple before picking up a box of condoms and studying the box for a moment.

"Sure those are big enough for my massive schlong?"

"Shane, a condom can be pulled past the elbow, and you're dick isn't as long as that." She murmurs as she looks at the box, "Or so I've heard." She mumbles, blushing a deep red.

"Gotta wait for me to reach full power."

"You sexy goofball." She chuckles.

"Sexy hung goofball."

"Okay, your dick is six inches at the most." She states matter-of-factly as she looks at Helms.

"Yeah, but that's fifteen in metric"

"Are you actually using centimetres to make yourself sound like you have a bigger dick than you do?" She questions teasingly.

"Absolutely I am."

"So, uhh, are you saying you have a 'giant' dick?" She teases.

"I am, and I'd like to end the joking here because I'm gonna feel really insignificant if I learn how big actual giants' dicks are."

"I don't know how big any of the giants dicks are. I was gonna make the joke that you have a 'giant slayer dick'." She admits sheepishly.

"I'll take that." He beams.

"One of your many superpowers."

"Exactly."

"The power to slay your giantess of a wife in the sexiest way imaginable." She purrs as she pulls Helms into a heated kiss.

"I slay you, do I?"

"Completely, my vampire king."

"Good. That's what I like to hear."

"Sexy husband." She whispers as she goes back to looking through the store.

"That's me."

Kirby nods, more focused on the options in front of her than paying attention to Helms. Helms eventually returns with his basket of goodies.

Kirby looks over at Helms for a moment before whispering to herself, "God, I love him so much."

He's got enough cookies to last a lifetime.

"You planning on putting us both in a food coma, Shaney baby?" She teases.

"Best way to conk out after a trip."

"So, we get all this stuff, slushies and then we get some actual lunch, mon mari?"

"Sounds good to me."

Kirby pulls Helms into a gentle kiss before walking to the cashier's desk.

"Let’s see how many kisses I owe you."

Kirby smirks at Helms as the cashier rings them up, a total of $25.95 for everything, the cashier passes them their slushies and bags once Kirby pays for everything.

[justmilah]

As some, most, or even all of you know, I adore season 7 of OUAT. I know it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, which is why I do my best to tag it in a way that it won’t get past the strongest anti-7′s filters.

But there are some parts of it that takes some thought to reconcile.

Admittedly, and perhaps obviously, I am biased toward Milah. Yes, she’s dead, but I see her influence all over season seven’s Hook. (I’m sorry, I can’t call him Nook. That’s an e-reader I once spent too much money on, not an alternate version of character I love.) And for me, neither is fake. They are both fictional characters I adore, but anyhoo, I digress.

There have been two points in the Hook story line I had some issue resolving with myself, and yet at the end of it, both resolutions wound up back at, perhaps not surprisingly, Milah. Or at least, Milah by proxy.

The first is the white elephant. On the surface, it makes sense. Killian handing something over that would ensure his own happiness for the sake of a child. But just below that, it doesn’t make sense. He’s spent so long without his daughter, why give her up for a woman and child he barely knows?

The second is Weaver. Basically his entire characterization this entire season. And I get that there’s more likely some wibbly wobbly plotty wotty reason we haven’t been clued on for why he isn’t a prick to Rogers, but five season previously makes it hard for me to swallow. (Yes, I fully realize and accept that he’s his own character outside of Rogers’ story. But for the sake of my sanity right here, he...isn’t. And so I won’t be tagging him when I post this.)

So what do these two seemingly unrelated things have in common?

Actually, no, it’s technically not Milah, but Baelfire. (By proxy, remember?)

With the white elephant, there is the obvious Milah connection, but it’s still more to do with Baelfire. Killian is one whose moral compass always tries to point in the right direction. Granted, it doesn’t always succeed, but we see the needle trying it’s hardest with Ursula and, more relevantly, with Baelfire. Lucy is the grandchild of the boy I believe he feels he might have wronged the most. (I contend the younger Liam is a tie or close second in his eyes, but that can of feels is for another post entirely.) Lucy is the great-grandchild of the woman this version of Killian Jones never fully got over. Lucy is the daughter of the man he’d come to know and respect as a friend. While not ideal, ensuring that this little girl, too young to survive on her own, would be placed with her mother when the curse was cast, was his way of attempting to begin to make it up to the boy he’d handed over to who is pretty much the epitome of a man-child. And he knows at this point that his beloved Alice is a capable woman, and it hurts, so much, that they can’t be together in this curse, but he maybe also hopes they’ll find a way.

So how does this help me reconcile Weaver?

Lucy is Henry is Baelfire. In the most round about way, this is it.

Weaver was the one who gave Killian the elephant. I’m not saying it was meant to be a test, but he would figure out pretty quick what happened and why. Even if he doesn’t know what happened between Baelfire and Hook aboard the Jolly Roger, you know, those two scenes that still leaves me tempted to buy Half Baked Ben and Jerry’s to sob into every time I make a fanvid, he would still make the connection to his son. Because even if, in his mind, that line goes up to Milah, it still passes through his son. And one of the things I adored most about Rumple in the beginning was how everything he did, he did for Bae. Essentially, the first curse was cast because of his desire to find his son. 

So he understands, he knows, that desire to do everything in his power to be with his child again. And he gives Killian the opportunity to have this with his daughter. And he fully expects Captain Hook to do what he’s expected to do here.

Only, when Weaver is awoken, that isn’t what happened at all. His great-grandchild is safe with her mother while the daughter of his once-enemy is living on the streets and under his sort of employ?

The way I am able to reconcile several seasons of not being able to tolerate this particular character and yet suddenly I can is 1) the several decades he spent with Belle (though that wasn't enough initially and so) 2) the recognition of what it was that Rogers had done. And I fully recognize I might be proven so wrong by the season's end with this last one. (Heck, maybe even in the next episode or two, who knows.) Basically, until I am given a legitimate 'canon' reason for why Weaver can be trusted (because for me it's been seasons since he could be, even with a wife he loves) this is the reason I choose to believe.

So yes, pretty much, even as I adore this season, there are still those moments where I need to 'reach' for something for me to grasp onto, to be able to make sense of.

And also, I'm still not over how one of the two main hobbies he has was one of the things Milah was known for. (That drawing of her was behind the scenes confirmed to be a self portrait :D And Neal/Baelfire had gotten his own artistic abilities from his mother, according to Killian.) And in between reconciling, I'm also sobbing that he was likely taught by Milah and he's passing this skill on to his daughter, and I'm not okay don't touch me.

[goodlawman]

It started with a phone call.

“Hey, Tabs, would you mind picking up Willa from her playdate. You know which one. The kid who still chews on crayons.”

“You mean Stan, the three-year-old who you threatened to do a background check on if he looked at your daughter funny?”

“I’m telling you, he has the angry face of a future fugitive. I owe you both a double scoop.”

The next time her cell rang, right about the point when Tabby had finished chauffeuring Willa to her mother, the request was more complicated.

“You need what?” Caught up in the confusion of untangling Raylan’s message, Tabby leaned too heavily against the door of her truck and caught bare skin upon sun-baked metal. Time with young Willa was teaching her restraint when it came to curses, and she swallowed one down while hopping about until the sting eased.  Even after a year plus change in Miami, the heat continued to catch her out.

“A change of clothes.” Down an imperfect connection, Raylan sounded more done than usual while repeating himself. “I don’t care if you raid my closet or stop by Walmart. Heck, just go buy a plastic sheet if you have to, though may I suggest you don’t make wisecracks to the cashier about needing it to bury a body.”

“Stop cramping my comedic genius.” Flopping into the roasting passenger seat, Tabby sighed. Her plans for a swim at the beach clearly were not going to come to fruition. “You know you’re going to be owing me shares in Ben and Jerry’s soon, right?” Even as she pretended to grumble, her key was already in the ignition. There were few things in the world that Tabby wouldn’t do for Raylan.

Driving through the Everglades vaguely resembled ploughing through hot steam. The humidity had Tabby’s shirt clinging all over, despite repeated attempts to peel it away. She was glad to reach the destination, a small campsite off of Loop Road with rotting signs and corrugated iron wall that brought the more ramshackle parts of Harlan to mind. It could have made a great setting for a cheap slasher horror movie, only aided by the sight of Raylan sitting on the edge of a rusty oil body, dried blood splatter covering him from shoulders to boots.

“Jeezus.” Tabby hoisted the hastily bought bag of Goodwill clothes out of the driver seat, paused, and then grabbed her beach towel along with her water bottles. By the sight of it, Raylan was going to need all of it. “Do I even want to know what happened here? And don’t make me ask if any of it is…”

“None of it is mine. But your concern is touching.” The irritation Tabby had heard on the call was fading, or maybe Raylan was simply happy to see her come bearing clothing that was not soaked in red. He began to peel off layers, rinsing and scrubbing his skin along the way. “And before you ask what happened, let me tell you that the headlines in the newspaper will be ‘Florida Man tries to escape the law by hiding in an alligator carcass’.”

Tabby nearly retched. “That doesn’t explain how you’re the one doing a nasty impersonation of Carrie at the prom.”

“No, it does not.” For a second, Raylan appeared to be intending to keep that section of the story to himself. Then, after another glance at his friend, he relented.  “That part involves the guy throwing chicken blood over me while I was apprehending him by the water. I believe his plan was to push me in and hope the alligators would be so tempted by the scent that they slowed down my pursuit.”

From the half-cracked window of Raylan’s car, a scruffy head popped up. “It would have worked too.” The fugitive in question, the kind that was only missing a tin foil hat, yelled out his protest. “Those gators love a bit of quality thigh.”

Neither Tabby nor Raylan acknowledged him. She simply drew a plain white shirt out of the paper bag and aided by pulling off the tags. “So, you basically had me drive down here because you didn’t want to get chicken guts over your car.”

“That is part of the truth.” As Raylan began to unbuckle his jeans, a jagged rip where a pocket should be located became painfully apparent. “The rest is that idiot Florida Man was not completely wrong about the local wildlife being fond of blood. While I was putting the cuffs on him, a baby gator jumped out and tried to take a bite out of me. Missed all the important parts, but my keys are currently working their way through his or hers digestive tract. And you, Tabitha Mitchell…” He paused to give that patented Givens grin. “… always have my spare set in your backpack.”

Based on the look on Tabby’s face, she was near to throwing her backpack and possibly the tire iron from her trunk right at his head. “So why didn’t you just ask me to bring your keys?”

“Because I also didn’t want to get blood all over my car.” Raylan said it like it was the most obvious thing. “I only got her detailed the other week.” Then he was laughing, because Tabby had swatted him with the fresh shirt, and possibly he deserved it. “C’mon. I’ll freshen up, turn this guy in for processing, and then we can go get that ice cream.”

“Sure, you don’t want KFC instead?” Then she was the one giggling, the sound becoming so loud that not far off in the distance, a small alligator popped its snout above the murky water, blinked, and then sunk back down to continue its reptilian contemplation about how the indigestion humans caused was never really quite worth it.

[lalka-laski]

Do you or have you ever owned a cup with your name on it? I’m sure I did at some point as a kid 

What’s the most expensive crafts tool that you own? All of my craft supplies are relatively cheap. The biggest waste of money though was the laminator I bought on a whim. I’ve had NO use for it since lol. Oh well.

Have you ever woven baskets of any kind (wicker, paper, cardboard etc.)? I think I did some kind of basket making class at the library when I was little? I did all kinds of arts and crafts classes. 

How do you like Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis? It’s fine I guess? 

Speaking of Jerry Lee Lewis, have you seen the biopic about him? Nope

How about the biopic about Tina Turner? Also no 

Do you like the TV-show Frasier? I don’t think I’ve seen a single episode

What’s something you know by heart? Every Killers song known to man

What is something you’re greedy about? I’m great at sharing.... actually to the point that I could stand to be a little more possessive and protective of myself and my belongings. I think it stems from being the middle child in a house full of girls. NOTHING was solely mine, and everything had to be shared between us.  How valuable does a coin have to be for you to bother to pick it up? I always pick up dimes ‘cause they’re messages from Heaven 

What would be something you would wait in line to get for free? Pizza 

Has there ever been a leak anywhere in your house? Uh yeah I guess? 

Have you ever slipped in the shower? Surprisingly no! 

Have you ever made any decorative crafts? If so, are they displayed? Mhm, quite a lot of stuff! I wish I crafted more often though. 

Is it very humid where you are right now? Lol no, although it is unseasonably warm for February in Rochester. And by that I mean it’s like 35 degrees. HEATWAVE! 

Do you have friends who you playfully flirt with? Nah

Doesn’t the Z in the Bzoink logo look like an L to you, too? What in the world?

Did you ever take that 5000 question survey that was circulating Tumblr? No, although I’ve seen it here and there. 

Have you ever had to change a zipper in your favorite article of clothing? Oh no, that’s way too tricky! 

Do you prefer buttons or zippers in general? Zippers I guess

Did your grandma have a box full of pretty buttons? Oh yes! 

What’s the most exotic spice in your spice rack? Ha, I’m as white as it gets so none of my spices could really be considered ~exotic. That’s kind of a troublesome term anyways, is it not? 

Do buttons tempt you to press them? Ha, sometimes.

Do you have a favorite television host? Anderson Cooper 

What’s your opinion on celebrity chefs? I love me some Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay. Oh, and my girl Ina Garten! 

Back when it first started, did you watch ANTM? Oh bitch I LIVED FOR THAT SHOW. 

Did you know, that there was even a Finnish version of ANTM? I’m sure there were several international spinoffs. 

Are you accident prone? It’s my middle name.

Have you ever broken something really valuable? Oh yes, quite often growing up. 

What is something that you own, that has sentimental value? I’m a huge sap so almost everything I own has some kind of sentimental significance to me. 

Have you ever had your own website? Oh yes What’s something that you finished recently? A whole freakin pot of coffee. And then I wonder why I don’t feel good... 

What’s the smallest town you recall visiting? The town my grandparents grew up in 

What’s the longest distance you’ve had to go to work or school? My first college was roughly an hour away, but I lived on campus so I wasn’t commuting.

Would you learn a new language, if you didn’t share one with your lover? Well that’s a moot point now 

Do you have friends who are constantly tagging you in challenges on FB? Nah not really 

When it comes to chocolate, do you prefer nougat, jelly or caramel filling? Caramel! Although solid chocolate is my preference. 

Are you more concerned about winning than just participating? Nah, I’m not competitive and I don’t have much of a drive to win. 

Has somebody you know taken their own life? Yes

Do you prefer onions, leeks or chives? Chives! 

What’s the most adult thing you have to do every day? Go to work, I suppose. But I half-ass all my responsibilities and that’s not very “adult” of me. 

What’s the most immature thing you like to do every day? Everything? 

Have you seen the movie, Clue? If so, isn’t it fab? I actually don’t think so 

Do your cheeks get flushed easily? Oh lord YES! 

Are there any social cues you miss entirely? I like to think I understand social cues and norms pretty well. Certainly a lot better than some people I know... *cough cough* MY FIANCE 

When someone doesn’t smile back at you, what’s your first thought? THEY HATE ME AND I’M THE WORST PERSON ON THE PLANET

Is there a person who melts your heart just by looking at you? Glenn 

Have you ever had tom kha kai? No clue what that is 

Have you, or anyone you know ever been rude to a server? I have not, and I absolutely don’t associate with people who are. Eat shit. 

What’s something you’re opinionated and very vocal about? Plenty of social justice issues. Oh, and the very hill I will die on: MOE’S > CHIPOTLE. DO NOT @ ME  ^When’s the last time you had to verbally defend your stance? Ha, thankfully I don’t associate with such low-lifes :P 

Have you ever played BitLife? Nope 

What’s something you regularly order online? Books, and all sorts of random odds & ends that I don’t need but can’t resist

Do you often make friends online? I did back in my teenage years, although they all remained exclusively online friends. We never met in person.

Do people ever try to get something from somebody through you? Wait what?

What do you think when you see a couple holding hands? Generally I think it’s cute. And I’m in no place to judge or comment on another couple’s PDA because me & Glenn are obnoxious lol 

Is there anything you’re forced to share with someone else? Well as I said earlier in the survey, I grew up forced to share everything with my siblings. 

What’s something stripy that you own? I think I have a striped shirt, and that’s about it. Oh, maybe some socks?

How about something polka dotted? Again, socks. 

What is something you find absolutely appalling? Saliva

Do you like elevators? I don’t dislike them

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say “midnight madness”? I’m blanking

When you’re angry, does it ever get physical? No never. Well, maybe I’ll punch a pillow or something just to relieve my aggression but that’s it. 

What do you do, when you’re immensely happy? Squeal! 

What made you scream out loud the last time you screamed? Who knows, I’m always getting scared and startled by shit, so it could’ve been anything! 

Can you hear your neighbors through the wall? Yes, our downstairs neighbor and his lady friend have very entertaining arguments. Glenn & I literally lay on the floor to listen because we’re just that immature and bored. (To be clear: the fights are never actually serious!)

What is something that frustrates you to no end? My own anxiety, my lack of drive, my clumsiness and absent-mindedness... 

Do you wear shoes indoors? I hardly even wear shoes OUTDOORS. 

Who is your favorite stand-up comedian? Jim Gaffigan is one of my faves. Though I give almost any stand-up special a shot. What’s the weirdest video YouTube has suggested to you? Oh I don’t even know where to begin

Is there a drink that just goes right through you? Coffee! 

Is there a food item you can’t eat because it doesn’t agree with you? It’s not so much the types of foods I eat but the AMOUNT I eat of them. Restraint just isn’t in my vocab. 

Do you playfully compete with someone about something? Nah, not really. 

Would you rather swim or run? Swim 

Do you like the smell of tar? Actually yeah. It’s one of those distinct summer scents! 

Have you ever been to a sauna? Yes, although I can only handle a minute or two. They are not for me! 

Does your doorbell ring unexpectedly often? Never 

Is your favorite fictional character a human, an animal or something else? Humans

Have you ever helped a stranger? If so, what did you do? Of course, in many ways. Random acts of kindness make the world go ‘round, people!! 

Do you share hobbies with any of your friends? What do you do together? Reading, writing, listening to music, crafting, etc etc. 

Do you have any flags on display? If so, what flag(s)? Nope

[torontowebdesign]

Effective 10 web design principles every designer should know

1. Purpose sets the foundation

A website’s messaging and calls to action are key to supporting its goals. A site’s purpose can be as simple as promoting purchases, telling a company’s story, or providing tutorials. You should be able to capture your site’s intent in a sentence or two — think mission statement.

Web Design Company Toronto

A site design isn't something you should make up as you go along. A purpose will give you a clear plan and guide the design and content creation. Winging it isn't a practical design philosophy.

 Part of solidifying your site’s purpose is knowing who it's for — who is your audience, what information do they need, and how will your site provide it? Knowing your audience’s demographics and pain points will help you find the right direction for your site.

 There are the broad intentions of a design and there are the specifics of a marketing strategy to beat the competition. How will visuals and content reinforce your brand and make it stand out? And how can your site provide more value than your competitors? Building a brand and building an audience is important.

2. Content gives meaning

Quality content is useful, clear, and guides your audience toward actions you want them to take. SEO should be planned for and woven into the content. SEO can be thoughtfully and tastefully executed with a conversational tone that integrates keywords and phrases that don’t distract from your message.

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Defining your site’s purpose helps inform the content you need and adopting a content-first approach means working with real content from the beginning of the design process. Real content makes it easier to spot changes that need to be made along the way instead of drowning in adjustments and overhauls at the end.

3. Visuals keep people engaged

Every design element should reflect and communicate a brand's identity. Photos, illustrations, and other graphics balance out text and break up the web page, giving the eyes a rest from reading.

 An exciting hero image makes a good first impression. Animated transitions and scroll-triggered effects keep people moving and take navigation from a mindless necessity to an interactive experience. Regardless of a brand’s style, visuals should add energy to a design instead of just taking up space. Software companies, food trucks, and accountants can all be creative with their site’s graphics while staying on-brand.

 Your visuals should be high-quality and look good — use clear, color-balanced photos and graphics with appropriate size and resolution. Bad visuals can ruin a great design.

4. Harmony makes a design sing

Every important element of a layout should work together — right down to its HTML and CSS. If the oversized button in a contrasting color doesn’t have good reasons for its nonconformity, it won’t feel right. Incongruities distract and interrupt the user experience. It’s hard to see the overall great when something feels off. On the same token, bad user experience can cause website visitors to bounce — hurting your chances of ranking in Google.

 A good designer makes things user-friendly and knows what fonts, visuals, and types of navigation capture attention. They have a vision for how they all fit together. New designers are often tempted to cram as much excitement they can into a layout. But when too many elements are demanding our attention, we lose focus.

Website Development Company Toronto

Skilled web designers are thoughtful about the weight of each element and they know when to use restraint. They know how to create a page design that’s effortless to navigate. This sense of harmony also extends to the brand identity. Everything from the site’s voice and tone to the color palette should be consistent.

 Brand guidelines and a living style guide can help with consistency. Brand guidelines serve as a comprehensive explanation for everything from content to colors. And a living style guide shows how everything looks together and makes site-wide changes easy and immediate.

5. Typography shapes perception

Typography is a vessel for thoughts. Along with the actual words, the shapes and stylization of letters convey meaning. Typography is like a decoder ring, translating an author’s ideas into a visual representation.

 Fonts should suit both the placement choice and tone of a design. Cursive typefaces may work well for headings or decorative purposes, but they’re impractical for large blocks of text.

 The wrong font can undermine important content. Just ask the scientists who announced the discovery of the Higgs boson particle with a slideshow featuring Comic Sans. People had quite a bit to say about this choice of typography. And who knows — maybe the naysayers were wrong? Be sure to know and like your reason for choosing a font.

 There’s room in a design for traditional typefaces and ones with more personality. For large blocks of content and other important information, a straightforward font makes for better readability. Stylized typography should be treated like strong spices — add a little here and there for a bit of flavor.

 6. Organization unifies

Content should have logic, flow, and fit into a hierarchy. Your content should guide your audience to an inevitable conclusion, each piece building on what came before it. Each sentence should offer more clarity about your brand and purpose, keeping readers reading in anticipation of what’s next.

 Header tags should be used to structure content and help web crawlers rank your site for web searches. If you don’t have all the finalized content before starting a design, at least use headers to help frame what you’re building.

 Visual elements should also be organized. Define sections with images and graphics that complement the written content.

7. Colors set the tone

Using their product’s packaging and ingredients to inform the site’s color palette, Simply Chocolate’s design flows with their brand and shows off their tasty chocolate bars.

 The palette you choose for a design communicates so much. It can be playful, like a toy company, or more serious for a site offering financial services. A color scheme can do a lot to reflect a brand’s spirit and message.

Choose colors that communicate your identity and — most importantly — make the content easy to read. With that in mind, always run your color combinations through a color contrast checker to ensure readability.

8. White space creates balance

White space, buttons, and other visual design elements help images and content stand out, and keep a layout from being cluttered. White space, also known as negative space, is an important aspect of any utilitarian design. Without it, messaging can turn into an indistinct blob.

9. Visual hierarchy keeps navigation simple

The visual hierarchy of your site’s navigation should make it easy to access your content in just a few steps. Of course, you don’t want any content to be missed, but endless dropdowns, buttons, and internal links will overwhelm people.

 The pathways to your site’s sections and content should be clear and easy to use. Imagine an intersection with 3 street options versus 10 — simplicity makes for a better journey.

10. Authenticity fosters trust

From their grassroots beginnings to being acquired by a large corporation, Ben & Jerry’s communicated and stayed true to their values.

 “Good design is honest. It does not make a product more innovative, powerful or valuable than it really is. It does not attempt to manipulate the consumer with promises that cannot be kept.”  — From Vitsoe’s “The power of good design.”

 Consumers are savvy. They can see through shallow marketing jargon — they want and expect brands to be real. Along with a site’s visual sizzle, there should also be depth and authenticity. If you’ve ever landed on a site with fake testimonials, you’ve probably immediately bounced. We know when someone’s trying to pull one over on us, and it never feels good.

Web Design Company Toronto

Cliches and vague marketing copy won’t help you connect with people. Position your brand as a voice of authenticity by providing information that has value and communicates the humanity behind your brand.

[eldritchsurveys]

228.

Do you or have you ever owned a cup with your name on it? >> No.

What's the most expensive crafts tool that you own? >> I don’t think I own any expensive crafts tools at all. Low-budget crafts usually suit me fine.

Have you ever woven baskets of any kind (wicker, paper, cardboard etc.)? >> No.

How do you like Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis? >> It’s a catchy tune.

Speaking of Jerry Lee Lewis, have you seen the biopic about him? >> No.

How about the biopic about Tina Turner? >> What’s Love Got to Do With It? I saw it a long time ago.

Do you like the TV-show Frasier? >> I do find it funny, but I don’t go out of my way to watch it.

What's something you know by heart? >> Aside from, like, the Litany Against Fear, and various song lyrics, I don’t think I have anything memorised anymore.

What is something you're greedy about? >> I don’t know what, specifically, I’m greedy about.

How valuable does a coin have to be for you to bother to pick it up? >> I’d pick up a quarter. I’d definitely pick up a dollar coin.

What would be something you would wait in line to get for free? >> Well, that depends on how I feel and how long the line is more than what the item is.

Has there ever been a leak anywhere in your house? >> Not in this apartment.

Have you ever slipped in the shower? >> Slipped but not fallen, thankfully.

Have you ever made any decorative crafts? If so, are they displayed? >> I’ve made decorative crafts at some point in my life, but I don’t have any now.

Is it very humid where you are right now? >> Not at all. Winter is very dry up here, much to my agony.

What is the most suggestive thing someone has said to you? >> I... don’t know? “Hey, wanna fuck?” Like... lmao.

Do you have friends who you playfully flirt with? >> Not really.

Doesn't the Z in the Bzoink logo look like an L to you, too? >> Not really.

Did you ever take that 5000 question survey that was circulating Tumblr? >> I took it when it was circulating MySpace and then when it was circulating Xanga.

Have you ever had to change a zipper in your favourite article of clothing? >> No.

Do you prefer buttons or zippers in general? >> Zippers, I guess.

Did you grandma have a box full of pretty buttons? >> ---

What's the most exotic spice in your spice rack? >> I don’t think of any spices as “exotic”. They’re just spices.

Do buttons tempt you to press them? >> Sometimes.

Do you have a favourite television host? >> No.

What's your opinion on celebrity chefs? >> I enjoy some of them, I don’t care about some of them, and there’s a lot of them I don’t even know of.

Back when it first started, did you watch ANTM? >> No.

Did you know, that there was even a Finnish version of ANTM? Miss Jay made an appearance in the first season, too. >> I mean, that doesn’t surprise me.

Are you accident prone? >> No.

Have you ever broken something really valuable? >> Yeah.

What do you see as timeless? >> I... can’t think of anything.

What is something that you own, that has sentimental value? >> A Phantom of the Opera teddy bear.

Have you ever had your own website? >> I’ve made attempts at it, using Angelfire and Wix and so on. But nothing that lasted. I applied my HTML savvy to making Vampirefreaks layouts instead, was a lot more fun.

What's your favourite board game? >> I don’t have one.

How about your favourite card game? >> I don’t have one.

What's something that you finished recently? >> The last book in the Losing Christina trilogy by Caroline B Cooney.

What's the smallest town you recall visiting? >> I don’t even know. There’s been a lot of them and I don’t know which one is smallest.

What's the longest distance you've had to go to work or school? >> I don’t remember.

Would you learn a new language, if you didn't share one with your lover? >> I don’t understand this question.

Do you have friends who are constantly tagging you in challenges on FB? >> ---

When it comes to chocolate, do you prefer nougat, jelly or caramel filling? >> I prefer no chocolate.

Are you more concerned about winning than just participating? >> No.

Has somebody you know taken their own life? >> No.

What is a number that has some significance to you? Why is that? >> 19. Because I’m a Tower Junkie.

Do you prefer onions, leeks or chives? >> I’ve never had leeks but I do like both onions and chives.

What's the most adult thing you have to do every day? >> I... what. I don’t know. Exist?

What's the most immature thing you like to do every day? >> *shrug*???

Have you seen the movie, Clue? If so, isn't it fab? >> Never seen it.

Do your cheeks get flushed easily? Do you blush easily in general? >> I don’t blush.

Are there any social cues you miss entirely? >> Of course.

When someone doesn't smile back at you, what's your first thought? >> I don’t really think much of anything. No one owes me a smile back just because I smile at them. It’s like giving a gift and expecting one in return just because you gave one. Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of gift-giving?

Is there a person who melts your heart just by looking at you? >> No. What does that even mean.

Have you ever had tom kha kai? It's a Thai coconut soup, and it's amazing. We serve it at work. >> I’ve never had it, but I’m intrigued.

Have you, or anyone you know ever been rude to a server? >> I’m sure someone I know has been rude to a server at some point. I don’t think I’ve ever been, though. Not intentionally, at least.

What's something you're opinionated and very vocal about? When's the last time you had to verbally defend your stance? >> I don’t know, I can’t remember off the top of my head.

Have you ever played BitLife? I sort of got hooked on it, it's like sims but in text form. >> Never heard of it.

What's something you regularly order online? >> CBD.

When's the last time you made a penpal? >> I have never had a pen pal.

Do you often make friends online? >> I make acquaintances often. I don’t know about friends.

Do people ever try to get something from somebody through you? As in, they ask you to ask the person they should be asking in the first place. If that makes sense. >> That doesn’t happen much now. When I was younger, yeah.

What do you think when you see a couple holding hands? >> I don’t think anything. Doesn’t even register as something worth thinking about.

Is there anything you're forced to share with someone else? >> Yeah, an apartment. Pfft.

What's something stripy that you own? >> I don’t think I own anything striped. Oh, part of my Sleigher sweater is striped.

How about something polka dotted? >> I definitely don’t own anything polka-dot.

What is something you find absolutely appalling? >> Whatever it is, I can’t think of it now.

Do you like elevators? >> I’m indifferent.

What's the first thing that comes to mind when I say "midnight madness"? >> I have no mental association for that phrase.

What is a country you would never want to visit? >> I don’t know.

When you're angry, does it ever get physical? >> I’m rarely angry in the first place, so I don’t know.

What do you do, when you're immensely happy? >> I’m also rarely immensely happy, so I’m not sure about this one either. I have pretty low-grade intensity emotions.

What made you scream out loud the last time you screamed? >> I don’t scream.

Can you hear your neighbours through the wall? >> Sometimes.

What is something that frustrates you to no end?  >> Disruptive sounds that I can’t do anything about.

Do you wear shoes indoors? >> No.

Who is your favourite stand-up comedian? >> Dylan Moran and Bo Burnham.

What's the weirdest video youtube has suggested to you? >> It doesn’t really suggest weird videos to me.

What's the funniest infomercial you've seen? >> ---

Is there a drink that just goes right through you? >> Er... no more than any other?

Is there a food item you can't eat because it doesn't agree with you? >> Probably. Whatever it is, I haven’t eaten it.

Do you playfully compete with someone about something? >> No.

Would you rather swim or run? >> I can’t swim and I don’t like running.

Do you like the smell of tar? >> Yeah, a little.

Have you ever been to a sauna? >> No. That level of heat and humidity would knock me out.

Does your doorbell ring unexpectedly often? >> Sometimes people will just ring random doorbells and it’s really fucking annoying, but it doesn’t happen that often.

Is your favourite fictional character a human, an animal or something else? >> Hm.

Have you ever helped a stranger? If so, what did you do? >> I mean, yes, I’ve helped strangers, but I can’t think of a specific incident right now.

Do you share hobbies with any of your friends? What do you do together? >> ---

Do you have any flags on display? If so, what flag(s)? >> No.

[meztliel]

I was tagged by @fizzingwizard and @questdrivencollie. Muchos thank yous bbs. Since you two had a different set of questions, I’ll answer them all here. 

Rules:

1. Always post the rules 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you 3. Write 11 questions of your own 4. TAG PEOPLE

Fizz’s Questions (Part A):

1.) What’s your favorite ice cream and topping? Ben & Jerry’s non-dairy Cherry Garcia. 

2.) If Frodo offered you the One Ring, would you take it and how would it tempt you? Give us the Precious

3.) What kind of pet do you want/have? I have a Chihuahua named Chico. I’ve  been wanting to get us another companion since my other baby passed away early this year :’(

4.) Have you ever done Irish dance? Lmao. No

5.) What food do you absolutely hate hate hate with a fiery passion? Meat >:[ !!!

6.) If you had a Digimon partner or a Pokemon or any equivalent creature, what would it be?  Pokemon: Bulbasaur. Digimon: Gomamon. They cute. They sass.  

7.) Be honest what do you really spend the weekends doing? Drinking, flickin’ the bean, fuckin’ around on Tumblr, going out to eat or dance

8.) Did you cry during Toy Story 3? I got a lil choked up don’t judge meh

9.) What’s your favorite Ghibli or Disney movie and why? Animated Beauty and the Beast. It’s sooo good. And The Hunchback of Notre Dame because of the music and dark tone.

10.) What were you totally into in elementary school? 90s anime: Pokemon, Ranma ½, DB/Z, Digimon. Also: Orcas, futbol-soccer, Flaming Hot Cheetos

11.) What’s something from your family/culture/personal life (take your pick) that you wish others understood better? Well, there are a lot of misconceptions people have regarding veganism. I could write a lot about this, but I’ll keep it short. I didn’t become vegan out of self-righteousness. I became vegan for a number of reasons, but what it really boils down to is compassion towards animals and not wanting to eat something that felt physical pain in order to feed me when I have other options. (psst btw, no I do not support PETA and they do not represent us as a whole. They’re not even really vegan)

Collie’s Questions (Part B):

1. Do you enjoy visiting and exploring new places a lot? Tbh I don’t travel much and am not very adventurous. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don’t

2. What was a nice thing someone did for you recently? On Saturday, I had a shoe malfunction while at the club and my friend found tape for me and somehow managed to temporarily fix my 6-inch platform gogo boots using just that lmao. 

3. Are you working on any projects right now? I’m trying to write 3 different short fics write now but I keep getting stuck why do I suck at writing *cries*

4. What’s the object immediately to your left? A bigass Pokemon coffee mug 

5. What’s most important to you? My loved ones (including/especially my dog). Food. 

6. If someone wanted to understand you, what should they watch, read, and listen to? Honestly I’m not sure so I’m just gonna list works that had a big impact in my life and/or really moved me. Read: Rurouni Kenshin (manga), Frankenstein. Watch: DBZ, LotR. Listen to: Summoning (black metal band)

7. Would you say it’s difficult for someone to get under your skin? Nah, I’m pretty short-fused lmao but I’m good at suppressing my anger. I just. Kind of. quietly simmer in rage *twitches*

8. What characters do you most identify with? Culturally, I identify with the protagonists of Ugly Betty and Jane the Virgin (growing up Latino in the U.S.). i kind of identify with book-version of Brienne of Tarth in being insecure, but other than that I can’t really think of many characters who I identify with beyond an emotional connection. 

9. Do you define yourself by what you do? Not really. I do a lot of things in order to survive, not because I necessarily enjoy or want to do them.  

10. How do you typically spend your weekend? (see Part A, #7 above) 

11. Do you prefer being indoors, or outdoors? Indoors *hisses at sun*

My Questions:

If you were to trade places with someone for a day, who would it be?

Which historical figure do you think you’re most like?

Do you fear death?

Fictional character crush?

TV show(s) you’re currently watching?

Is there anything you find overrated?

When Goku asked you to raise your hands and lend him your energy, did you?

Do you still use cds, cassettes, or vinyl for music?

What’s one of the toughest decisions you’ve ever had to make?

Have you ever cheated on a test?

Your favorite house from Game of Thrones (ex: House Stark, House Lannister, etc)?

I tag: @calicoskatts @cultofpokeshipping @moonmyobsession @chikahoshi @mysteriouslysaltytragedy @thebeshimifangirl @elven-flower  @rickseriastar@bubblegumsuperpop @zdbztumble @xxrandomfan13xx @maiikawriter don’t feel obligated to do this if you don’t want to. Oh and anyone else who follows me wants to play along go ahead and consider yourselves tagged. 

[nanalikessurveys]

Do you or have you ever owned a cup with your name on it? No

What’s the most expensive crafts tool that you own? I don’t own crafts tools

Have you ever woven baskets of any kind (wicker, paper, cardboard etc.)? No

How do you like Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis? I don’t think i’ve ever listened to it

Speaking of Jerry Lee Lewis, have you seen the biopic about him? No

How about the biopic about Tina Turner? Nope

Do you like the TV-show Frasier? I used to watch it as a kid

What’s something you know by heart? Uhh i don’t know

What is something you’re greedy about? I don’t know lol

How valuable does a coin have to be for you to bother to pick it up? Haha idk i generally don’t pick up coins if i see them

What would be something you would wait in line to get for free? Just anything i guess

Has there ever been a leak anywhere in your house? No

Have you ever slipped in the shower? Nope

Have you ever made any decorative crafts? If so, are they displayed? I don’t think so

Is it very humid where you are right now? No, it’s pretty freezing here now

What is the most suggestive thing someone has said to you? Idk

Do you have friends who you playfully flirt with? Nope

Doesn’t the Z in the Bzoink logo look like an L to you, too? I don’t know the logo

Did you ever take that 5000 question survey that was circulating Tumblr? No

Have you ever had to change a zipper in your favourite article of clothing? Nope

Do you prefer buttons or zippers in general? Zippers

Did you grandma have a box full of pretty buttons? No

What’s the most exotic spice in your spice rack? I don’t think i have any exotic spices lol

Do buttons tempt you to press them? Yes lol

Do you have a favourite television host? No

What’s your opinion on celebrity chefs? I used to watch those cooking shows and i loved them. and i had a huge crush on jamie oliver hahaha

Back when it first started, did you watch ANTM? I don’t remember

Did you know, that there was even a Finnish version of ANTM? Miss Jay made an appearance in the first season, too. Yep lol

Are you accident prone? No

Have you ever broken something really valuable? No

What do you see as timeless? I don’t know

What is something that you own, that has sentimental value? I don’t have anything valuable i think

Have you ever had your own website? No

What’s your favourite board game? The finnish board game called Afrikan Tähti, it was the best, i want to play it again but i have no one to play with lol

How about your favourite card game? I don’t really like card games

What’s something that you finished recently? My food

What’s the smallest town you recall visiting? Probably the one where my maternal grandparents live

What’s the longest distance you’ve had to go to work or school? My high school was about 10 minutes bus drive and 10 minute walk away, so not that far lol

Would you learn a new language, if you didn’t share one with your lover? What?

Do you have friends who are constantly tagging you in challenges on FB? Not on Facebook

When it comes to chocolate, do you prefer nougat, jelly or caramel filling? Caramel for sure

Are you more concerned about winning than just participating? Not really. i can be really competitive but i don’t think that way

Has somebody you know taken their own life? No

What is a number that has some significance to you? Why is that? None

Do you prefer onions, leeks or chives? Chives!

What’s the most adult thing you have to do every day? Take care of myself? lol idk

What’s the most immature thing you like to do every day? Uhh idk what counts as immature

Have you seen the movie, Clue? If so, isn’t it fab? I haven’t

Do your cheeks get flushed easily? Do you blush easily in general? I don’t know actually

Are there any social cues you miss entirely? Idk

When someone doesn’t smile back at you, what’s your first thought? I don’t really think anything of that

Is there a person who melts your heart just by looking at you? Yeah

Have you ever had tom kha kai? It’s a Thai coconut soup, and it’s amazing. We serve it at work. No

Have you, or anyone you know ever been rude to a server? I don’t recall

What’s something you’re opinionated and very vocal about? When’s the last time you had to verbally defend your stance? I don’t know lol

Have you ever played BitLife? I sort of got hooked on it, it’s like sims but in text form. I have tried it but didn’t really understand it lol. i prefer sims

What’s something you regularly order online? I don’t regularly order anything online. but if i order something, it’s clothes

When’s the last time you made a penpal? As a kid

Do you often make friends online? Never

Do people ever try to get something from somebody through you? As in, they ask you to ask the person they should be asking in the first place. If that makes sense. No

What do you think when you see a couple holding hands? Nothing

Is there anything you’re forced to share with someone else? No

What’s something stripy that you own? My cats. lol

How about something polka dotted? No

What is something you find absolutely appalling? Mean people

Do you like elevators? No

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say “midnight madness”? Nothing really

What is a country you would never want to visit? Uhh idk

When you’re angry, does it ever get physical? No

What do you do, when you’re immensely happy? Laugh

What made you scream out loud the last time you screamed? I don’t really scream alot. so i don’t remember

Can you hear your neighbours through the wall? YES so annoying lol it feels like the walls in this building are made of just paper or something

What is something that frustrates you to no end? I’m sorry but slow walking people at times

Do you wear shoes indoors? No

Who is your favourite stand-up comedian? I don’t watch stand-up but rowan atkinson is one and i love the movies he’s in

What’s the weirdest video youtube has suggested to you? There’s many weird videos

What’s the funniest infomercial you’ve seen? Idk

Is there a drink that just goes right through you? Water

Is there a food item you can’t eat because it doesn’t agree with you? I don’t know

Do you playfully compete with someone about something? No

Would you rather swim or run? Swim

Do you like the smell of tar? I do. especially the taste lol. like those tar flavored pastilles 

Have you ever been to a sauna? Yes

Does your doorbell ring unexpectedly often? Not unexpectedly

Is your favourite fictional character a human, an animal or something else? A human

Have you ever helped a stranger? If so, what did you do? Many ways

Do you share hobbies with any of your friends? What do you do together? Not really

Do you have any flags on display? If so, what flag(s)? No