#thank you to nicole for inspiring this and a very happy birthday to mattockmaniac47

[ravetalkstothevoid]

stuck.

‘Regret’ was too mild a word to express the emotion Hanzo felt.

In fact, there was no one word in either English or Japanese that accurately described the overwhelming urge that Hanzo felt to draw his neck into his body like a turtle and die quietly. His face had turned such a beet red, that even the strongest sake in Hanamura would not be a credible excuse. Ah, sake– Hanzo would have killed for his drunkenness back. In fact, he may still kill, as Genji’s maddening cackles taunted him and added more color to his face.

Hanzo’s body metabolized alcohol too quickly so he didn’t tend to get too drunk or stay too drunk on a regular day, but getting himself stuck in the McDonald’s play area jungle gym had sobered him up quicker than he had ever sobered before. It left him in a shocked stupor– he still wasn’t entirely sure this was really happening. More than that, he had no idea how Genji had convinced him to attempt something as idiotic as playing in the children’s structure. He guessed the credit was largely due to his inebriated state rather than to Genji’s “masterful persuasion techniques", which is what he had wheezed to the distressed McDonald’s employee who had come at the sound of Genji’s howling laughter and Hanzo’s furious yelling. The three awaited the arrival of the fire department; an odd mixture of unchecked fury, delight, and overwhelming anxiety making the bright colors of the play area seem sarcastic.

Hanzo kicked out with his legs for the umpteenth time, as he could not strangle Genji since his top half was trapped in the maw of the magenta slide that he had attempted to scurry up like he had seen children do. His voice echoed ominously when he roared, “WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I AM GOING TO RIP EVERY HAIR ONE BY ONE FROM YOUR RIDICULOUS GREEN HEAD, THEN KNIT A ROPE FROM THE STRANDS, WITH WHICH I WILL THEN STRANGLE YOU TO DEATH.”

There was a moment of silence and then a new voice chuckled quietly and caused a fresh wave of shame to come crashing over Hanzo’s crown, “I ain’t never heard a more eloquent threat in my life.”

The accompanying chuckles that followed were nearly drowned out by Genji’s prolonged wheezing. The firefighters had arrived, but at what cost? (Answer: Hanzo’s pride.) Though Hanzo was grateful, he ground his teeth noisily at the teasing note in the firefighter’s voice.

“Get me out of here immediately,” Hanzo blurted, thankful that the reverberating echo created by the slide had hidden the embarrassment in his voice.

“So soon?” The firefighter teased. “I was just startin’ to enjoy the view.” Hanzo’s indignant sputtering nearly drowned out the firefighter as he delivered instructions to his crew. Hanzo was only able to catch what sounded like “we’ll lube ‘im up like a virgin on her weddin’ night” which made more sense than Hanzo wanted it to and frightened him so severely that he went perfectly still and silent.

A soft shuffling, which Hanzo could only guess was the sound of the crew carrying out the assumed leader’s instructions ensued. The Southern firefighter voice came again, a roll of soft consonants that soothed Hanzo despite himself, “Howdy, the name’s Cap'n Jesse McCree, from fire station six.“

“Thank you for coming,” Genji piped up. “I am Genji Shimada and this fantastic ass is my brother, Hanzo.” Genji smacked Hanzo none too gently on his left asscheek making Hanzo yelp in shock and spit Japanese profanity from between gritted teeth like an offended cat.

“Nice to meet y'all,” Captain McCree offered. “Yer ass really is fantastic.”

“I assure you, it looks even better when it is not lodged in a hot pink children’s slide.” Hanzo ground out haughtily.

McCree laughed, “I don’t doubt that for a second. So Hanzo, we’ll be attemptin’ to use an oil-based lubricant to slide you on outta there, alright? Hang tight for just a sec, sugar.”

“I can do nothing but ‘hang tight’, Mr. McCree!“ Hanzo quipped exasperatedly. McCree chuckled sympathetically in response and Genji stifled a snort.

“Do you think the lube’ll work over his clothes?” A female voice inquired, heavy footfalls indicating that the crew had returned.

“I reckon it’ll have to, Amari,” mused the Captain. “I’d like to wine and dine ‘im like a proper gentleman before I see ‘im without clothes on. Ain’t that right, honey?” A gentle hand against his lower back let Hanzo know he was being spoken to.

“The only wining and dining we will be doing is in your dreams, cowman.” Hanzo said scathingly, causing uproarious laughter– particularly from the fire Captain.

“We’ll see if I can’t win you over, honeysuckle,” The firefighter said. “Oxton, shed yer gear and see if ya can’t shimmy on up to the top of the slide and throw some lubricant down to Hanzo.” It almost bothered Hanzo how familiarly McCree addressed him. Already, he found the fire chief brash and overwhelming and vulgar– all the things Hanzo regarded as absolutely horrendous. And yet, still he found himself enticed by the Captain in the most curious way.

“Righty-o!” Came a chipper female voice. Some aggressively shuffling and violent shaking of the entire jungle gym structure (during which Hanzo proceeded to gracelessly panic and shout profanities) later, a head popped up high up at the top of the slide. A small girl with short brown hair grinned widely down at Hanzo and gave him an enthusiastic wave which he half-heartedly returned.

“Oi, Captain!” Oxton shouted, voice echoing. “‘E’s a reeeaaalll looker!” Jovial laughter once again led by McCree’s belly-laugh sounded and Hanzo wished for a swift death.

“Our Cap'n’s pretty hot too, y'know! ‘A real fine specimen,’ says my Emily.” Oxton addressed Hanzo, punctuating her words with wild gestures. “But you can decide for yourself once we get you outta here! I’m gonna drop the tube down so catch it and do your best to get it ‘round your hips, yeah?”

“Yes.” Hanzo agreed. Oxton grinned and waved the tube of lubricant as a warning before letting it drop. Hanzo caught it easily and wasted no time in dripping it over his lodged hips. It was disgustingly slick and rank against his clothes but already, he found he could move his hips in ways he could not before.

“I can move my hips a little!” Hanzo said excitedly.

“Ain’t that a relief!” McCree replied. “I’m'a lube you up from behind– which is, spoiler alert, also what I’ll be sayin’ our first time together.”

Hanzo rolled his eyes but grinned despite himself, “Are you sure I will not be the one saying that?”

McCree gave an odd sort of choked sound, and when he spoke again, he sounded sheepish, “A-Ah, I’m gonna apply the lubricant now….“ Hanzo tensed in anticipation before feeling the same unpleasant sensation against his lower back, the slick lube sticking his trousers to his body.

“Alright, darlin’,” said McCree a little breathlessly. “Go ahead and try t’ wiggle on out.”

Hanzo tried, though admittedly, not nearly as hard as he could have. He was beginning to grudgingly enjoy his little back and forth with the Captain, “I cannot on my own. I require your assistance.”

“Okay then, sweetheart, I’m'a put my hands on you.” McCree said, the grin on his face sounding bright in his voice. Hanzo hid his own smile in his shoulder as McCree placed wide palms on the sides of Hanzo’s ass, thumbs on his hip bones and tugged while Hanzo wiggled.

He came free with a small pop, McCree helping him to straighten and stand. Hanzo gratefully stretched his back. The entourage of firefighters, McDonald’s employees, and Genji cheered excitedly. McCree clapped a slick hand on Hanzo’s shoulder, and Hanzo took this time to look the fire Captain up and down. Hanzo’s stomach dropped to his knees, his heart stuttering out an unsteady rhythm as he registered the roguishly handsome firefighter who was staring at him with an expression of utter wonder on his face.

Oxton came sliding out of the narrow magenta tube of death and embarrassment easily, permitted by her small frame, and made a clicking sound with her tongue at Hanzo, “What’d I tell you? Our boss is a right hottie, isn’t he?”

Hanzo crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged a shoulder, “He is certainly not the ugliest man I have ever seen.”

McCree laughed bashfully, rubbing the back of his neck and eyeing Hanzo playfully, “Aw shucks, sweetheart, you sure know how to flatter a man.” Hanzo’s face broke into a grin at McCree’s sarcasm, though it disappeared just as fast when his eyes landed on Genji attempting to camouflage himself against a bright green slide on the other end of the structure.

“You!” Hanzo thundered, making a mad dash for Genji that his little brother replied to with an undignified yelp and a mad dash of his own. Unfortunately for Genji, Hanzo was faster. A few firm smacks to the back of the head and intense yelling in Japanese later, Genji was allowed to keep his hair and his life by the skin on his teeth.

McCree approached the brothers with a grin and a towel, holding the latter out towards Hanzo almost bashfully. Hanzo gratefully accepted it and used it to mop up some of the excess lubricant from his ruined clothes.

“Y’know,” McCree began, hands on his hips and a crooked grin on his face. “I was hopin’ you’d do me the honor of makin’ my dreams come true.”

It took Hanzo a moment before he understood what it was McCree was referring to, but once he realized it was his own line of dialogue used against him, he chuckled softly and replied with a tilt of his head, “I think you have won me over, honeysuckle.”