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pensiveintrovert-blog1 · 7 years

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Why Fan Girling?

I actually don’t know how to start writing this but this is my journey of being a fan girl and my heartfelt thoughts about being a fan girl.

Being a fan girl is not easy, it has it’s ups and downs, highs and lows, and it can make you a little selfish of your idols. As you can see I’ve been fan girling most of my life, it probably started when I was a kid Hello Kitty and Filipino shows such as ANG TV, etc but it was short lived as I lost interest in watching television and mainly read and listened to music, that was the time when I started to fan girl slowly from NSYNC, BSB, STEPS, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, S Club 7 and many more but I was just a lowkey fan girl buying their cassette tapes and listening to them every single day, I just continued that habit of mine listening to music while reading books.

Not until I was able to use the internet, I think I was in 5th or 6th grade when I started to use social media, I started with Friendster, MySpace and Multiply hahaha I also learned how to use youtube so from there I started watching my fave singers performances and man was it a hassle to use the internet before, oh and I can only use our computer and internet on weekends so hassle pa more!

I lived a monotonous life during my elementary and high school days it was always home-school-home that was my routine I seldomly get the chance to go out and spend time with my friends. I was basically a home body and that’s when I started to feel alone and it spiraled down to me being shy and aloof to others. Music was my only way of coping and expressing how I feel. I can never leave our house without my mp3 player and earphones, it became my security blanket during those times.

Come mid 2008-December 2008 as I was searching for new songs on Youtube I came across a video of a certain kpop group (which I didn’t know who at that time yet cause I was more of a western music fan), watched it and I seemingly liked the melody of the song as I started humming the chorus after listening to it once, but it was just in passing so I just continued searching for new music and forgot the melody, not until a few days later when I hummed the tune again out of the blue, that’s when I started to get curious I searched for the song again on Youtube and it turns out the title was Marry U by Super Junior who has a whopping 13 members, since I had a hard time recognizing the members of the group as they have many, I just casually started to browse the videos on the right side of the tab and came across BIGBANG’s Haru Haru and I found myself liking the video and searching for performances for it, add to the fact that I easily remembered the members names as there are only 5 of them. That’s how my fan girling for kpop started I knew SuJu first but got hooked on BB but eventually I got hooked with SuJu as well, it was in 2009 that I started to learn about girl groups the first one I encountered was Girl’s Generation they were promoting Gee during that time but I didn’t have a liking towards them on the get go but I did research about them but I was more inclined to BB and SuJu during that time not until I heard their song “Way To Go” that’s when I started to have a liking towards them. I was starting to get hooked to kpop already during that time but I guess the biggest contributor to me being a kpop fan is knowing 2NE1 the most bad ass girl group ever (for me of course) I believe that they were the ones whom made me into the kpop fan girl that I am today. As the year went by I knew other kpop groups such as SHINee, FT Island, f(x) and KARA, there were other groups that caught my eye but the ones written above were really the ones I am fascinated with. I also created my twitter account this year and used it to fan girl over kpop as I have a fear of being judged (well I was still judged anyway).

During those times I started to watch TV again but mainly because of taiwanese and korean dramas, due to my liking of kpop music I leaned more into watching kdramas, if I remember correctly I finished Princess hours within 24 hours (addict much hahaha).

2009 was the biggest year for kpop as their music started to get known worldwide, but it was also the year of my first trial as a fan, scandals broke out here and there that year and I didn’t know what to do, I was affected, but barely had any updates cause internet was still slow that time (well till now) and I was really busy with school. Thank heavens I was able to surpass that and continue on with my fan girling.

2010 went by with a blur new groups arised but only one caught my attention CN Blue, I already love the band concept of FT Island so another one won’t hurt. This was also the year that I started to participate on voting for awards show, voting became a habit for me and also watching music shows weekly, I learned to watch via livestreams to be able to be updated.

I basically live and breathe kpop, my alarm tone was a kpop song, the songs I listen to when I take a bath is always kpop, I even forgot to listen to western music as I only listened to kpop and nothing else.

2012 was the start of me fan girling hard as in real hard, I was finally able to watch a concert and man was I so happy and emotional that time, add to the fact that we got inside the venue late and we weren’t able to see the opening, I was so disappointed during that time but I was also happy to hear my favorite songs and cried during Haru Haru. That was the start of a promise to myself that I will watch a kpop concert yearly especially when it’s my faves, and I was able to do it sometime even watching 2-3 concerts a year.

During those times I met so many people who have become my dear friends and we all started as online friends, that’s why I’m a firm believer of being friends online is good.

2014 was probably my hardest year as a fan, I have adapted the how tos of being a korean kpop fan that I don’t want anyone being with my oppa, he can’t date and all that shizz, so when Sungmin announced he’s dating and going to get married, man did I get angry af! I hated him and the girl he’s dating, I said mean words to them, I bashed them hard. I was hurt, in my mind that time oppa is only mine no one can have him, I was that immature. I also lost the will to fan girl because I was badly hurt, I lay lowed and just read updates, also took the time to reflect and that was when realization hit me, I had done something wrong and bad, I hurt the people whom have been my inspirations with my immaturity. I apologized dearly to both Minnie oppa and Saeun unnie and I was ashamed at myself for what I did, I tried to stay away from fan girling but I guess it’s already embedded in my blood. I still continued on with my tradition of watching concerts, but after BB’s MADE concert I layed low for the time being as work is getting the best of me during that time as well, but something happened in 2015 that I didn’t know I would ever do in my entire life.

I was never fond of watching TV, I would either watch k dramas on the internet or spazz around in my twitter account for my fave kpop artists, most likely about concerts and such. Being a social media savvy I always check the twitter trends in the Philippines and I noticed that a certain #ALDUB was trending for a few days already, being the curious me I clicked the ht and saw tweets about a certain Alden Richards and Yaya Dub, that got me to thinking, wow they must have so many fans for them to be consistently trending every day and mind you, they’re always on the number one spot. So my curiosity really got me and had me watching the episode the next day which happens to be their second weeksary. I was confused at first when the episode started since I wasn’t able to watch the very first ones, then here comes Lola Nidora with gigantic bags under her eyes, Yaya Dub being locked in the limousine, then a riding in tandem comes with a giant pink teddy bear and hands it to her and lo behold it was from her on screen partner Alden Richards who looks like an angel who has fallen down from heaven. I forgot how the episode ended that day but I decided to watch it again later that night, I pulled an all nighter and watched the first episode up to the latest episode and I was instantly hooked, who would’ve thought that a kpop fan like me whose world revolves around kpop and kdramas would fall in love with a local LT?

I was never an avid fan of a local LT until ALDUB came and I must say they have really changed my life, in terms of my personality I am becoming more of an optimist now rather than a pessimist unlike before, I learned to wait, as in really wait for the right person to come into my life and do not rush into things.

One thing that I don’t understand though is why is there always a need to compare the two, I mean they are a team right so why is comparison needed? That’s the most shocking thing for me, oh and the bashings and shadings as well I mean I am accustomed to the bashings already because heck in kpop they bash most of the time, but in here it’s like the two are always doing bad things wherein fact it’s the opposite?

This is also the only fandom I entered that have so many feeling KIA people oh and those who act like their mothers and tell the two to do this do that, I mean they have parents of their own so why don’t people just let them be?

I can withstand all the bashings thrown at the two but I’m tormented by those who act as if they know everything about the two, wherein fact they haven’t even had the chance to talk to them, some though act that way cause they have already taken a selfie with the two like wtf?

Being a fan of Maine and Alden has its ups and downs but it is so worth it. I would just like to give thanks to Maine and Alden for being able to bring out the optimistic side of me and for never giving up, thank you also for all the new friends that I have met because of you. I now have a new family because of you. Always remember this we will always be here, ready and armed to protect the two of you. No matter what happens, we will never give up.

For now I am laying low again on fan girling as I actually lost the will to do it after what I went through last December, but rest assured I will always be here to support and pray for my idols.

So this is my story.

PS. parts of this entry is written in my journal.

PPS: I wrote it when I was so goddamn emotional so forgive me for that.

#thoughts

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