#that autistic people are going to have entirely different outlooks/understandings of gender???

[skylordhorus]

😐

[my-darling-boy]

how would you go about explaining the concept of being transgender to a child?

Good question! I think the best thing you can do is to be honest with your child. Exactly what you go about explaining after your initial definition differs by situation. I’d always start out with:

“Sometimes when people are born, they feel that the gender they were given when they were a baby doesn’t match up with the gender they know they are. The doctor’s might’ve said someone was a boy/girl, but that person feels that’s not correct.” And since I’m trans myself, I could add, “When I was born, the doctor said I was a girl. But it never felt right to me, because I’d look at other boys and feel more like them. I knew I was one of them.”...And cue perhaps a sea of questions.

Don’t worry about having to explain the ENTIRE subject to them all at one time. Answer only the questions as they come asked if they approach you first. And if you come to a question you yourself don’t know the answer to, don’t try and make something up. Simply say “I don’t know” because you can always find out together! Look for times when they look confused, ask if they need you explain more. But what I’ve found is that generally, after a few questions, a child usually doesn’t often inquire more, at least not for a while.

A lot of adults think that by making the definition sound more appealing to a child (one example I heard of was talking about hormones as being magic potions), but sometimes phrasing things this way can create more confusion. It can put too much distance between the child and the subject. One thing that really began to confuse me on my own trans identity was when people talked ahout being trans like it was on the same level as the stork bringing babies. It made me feel there was something “hush-hush” about being trans, and it made me feel like I too needed to conceal myself.

Parents think “what if I explain this to my child and they start thinking they’re trans, when they’re really not??” A) It’s not bad if a child thinks they’re trans, do not let them think that B) you can’t say if someone is or isn’t trans, you’re not them. Even children can know C) if they try things out and figure out they aren’t trans, no matter when they figure that out, then sure they aren’t trans, it’s fine, but D) if they try things out and figure out they are trans, well you have a trans child! Explaining being trans to someone doesn’t “make them trans”. If that was true, then how come I’m not cis when ALL I was brought up on were cis ways of thinking, or how come I’m not straight when ALL I ever saw on TV or in my life was straight people? Explaining what being trans is gives them tools to help them understand the world around them, and to potentially better understand themselves!

You might get asked how a person knows if they’re trans, and you can say “It’s different for everyone. Some people know by looking at other genders and feeling a very deep knowing that that is how they see themselves. Some people start knowing by what kinds of clothes they like or how they like to be called. Mainly, you can tell mostly by how happy you become when you think of yourself as a different gender.”

You might find yourself saying things like:

“Some people feel they need to change their bodies to feel better in them, but not everyone does, and not everyone can. Sometimes people just like to change clothes, their name, or pronouns! That’s like the he/him, she/her, they/them you hear everyday, but there are more. It’s whatever will make that person feel happier in their body.”

“You don’t have to know right away, it can take a long time. It’s alright to explore too! And you can explore it for as long as you want. If someone finds out they aren’t trans, that’s okay!”

“Sometimes, people think transgender people are all bad because the way the feel about themselves is different from other people, but being trans is not only good thing, it’s a beautiful thing. There are trans people all over the world, and they’ve existed for a very long time!”

Overall, I think there’s a lot of different things to be asked and their responses to fit here, but if there’s something more specific you’d like to know how you might describe, feel free to ask :P sometimes it can be helpful to a child if you look up definitions of words, like explaining what the word cis means or what pronouns are.

Above all, do NOT:

say there are only two genders. Let the child know there are many, even if the world around them tries to say there are two. Try to keep language all-gender inclusive, don’t say “to the opposite gender”, say instead “to a different gender”. Also mention pronouns don’t have to be gender specific. You might say something like, “a person might wear dresses, makeup, and have long hair, but go by ‘they.’” Mention sometimes people will go by all pronouns, only one, or more than one!

say you must medically trasition to be trans. They don’t have to change their body in any way to be trans.

put an emphasis on gender dysphoria (the unhappiness you have about your given gender), if the topic arises. Include it if it comes asked, but tell them what’s more important is gender euphoria (the happiness about being the gender you know you are actually). Priding dysphoria as a hallmark indicator of being trans is harmful to self image and can damage a person’s relationship with how they think about their trans identity.

talk to them like they could never be trans. Parents will end these things with “but you don’t need to know too much, you aren’t trans!” Imagine this child IS trans and doesn’t quite know it yet, or will figure it out later. What sort of impression do you want to leave on this child about it? What tools do you want to provide this child with now so they might better understand themselves later? Create a welcoming space for them to come to you if they ever think they’re trans. Let them grow up with a positive outlook on trans people, not as medical phenomenons, but as human beings just like anyone else

say you can’t know until you’re older. Kids can know now! I might’ve not been able to understand I was trans when I was 7, but I ALWAYS thought I was being perceived as a boy. Later, I learned it was called being transgender. Take your child seriously. Understand your child might not have the language to express themselves yet, so allow them to express themselves in ways they are comfortable with

perpetuate harmful ideas/stereotypes. For instance, autistic trans people know they’re trans, I’m one of them, but recently a Certain Famous Someone In The Media said that autistic trans people are “just confused” on their gender due to their autism. Not only is this incredibly transphobic, but also incredibly offensive to autistic people.

use outdated/transphobic language to talk about trans people. Don’t say “a trans woman is basically a man” or how a non-binary trans person is “basically a girl/boy” because that’s NOT true. A trans person is not some Off-Brand of their gender, I’m not a man 2.0, I’m a man. Don’t say you can tell when people are trans. Don’t say you can only be trans if you “”pass”” (I avoid that word anyways, it made me feel like I was wearing a costume). Additionally, you might look up ways with your child on how you can be aware of transphobia.

If you’re looking up websites or videos with your child that promote these ideas or shares views you think are transphobic, take the time to openly correct them, or switch to another source

It’s better to introduce this concept young before things like school, media, and other people introduce gender roles or the silly x genital must equal x gender idea or get them thinking of the two gender concept, because once those concepts are learned by a child, they can be harder to unlearn as an adult.

This is coming from someone who doesn’t have a child yet, and since I’d be a trans dad, these kinds of concepts would be simply a part of how I’d raise my kid anyway. But if you’re a parent already with kids you would like to introduce this topic too, it can seem daunting if you don’t know much about trans people. This can be as much of a learning experience for them as of can be for you. If you don’t quite know something yourself, you can always say “Let’s look it up!” and sit down with your child and learn about it together. The main idea is freedom: freedom to ask questions, to explore, and to learn.