#that didnt happen!! it couldnt have or else id feel deja vu when i saw him again

[shhh-no-ones-home]

deja vu bucky barnes x reader

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christmas request info can be found here 

prompts:

"How long has it been since you've slept." "I heard you scream. Nightmares again?" "Hold my hand. You're going to be fine."

Song: mirrors by pvris

tag list: @cynic-spirit +++++++++

i walked through the lounge, looking to all the men and women working on the renovations to the compound. i sipped my coffee and leaned my back into the counter, closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose. it had been a long few months since id been recruited and things werent exactly easier. i of course was a new hero, pushed onto the team after the untimely demise of one tony stark but we were making it worth it. i had made pretty good friends with bucky after all and everyone said that was hard to do. but then again maybe it was something more.

when i opened my eyes i saw him through the window, taking his morning jog around the building. he had done it everyday since id arrived and he said hed do it everyday until he left again. he had told me at one point though that he was waiting to head back to Wakanda, whatever that meant. all i knew was i got to spend every day with him, training as well as relaxing, amongst a few other things.

he was a smooth talker after all and we often found ourselves flirting over dinner, making the other recruits practically sick. it was a nice change of pace though, id finally found someone with as silver a tongue as myself. it helped for other activities though. i smirked to myself at the thought. when i turned back around to set my cup on the island i jumped, bucky standing on the other side staring at me.

"jesus buck, you gave me a heart attack."

i said, clutching my chest and he laughed, sipping his own coffee, looking at me over the edge of the mug.

"we both know thats a lie."

he said slyly, setting the mug down on the counter. i shook my head, leaning in and resting my weight against my elbows.

"we still on for tonight?"

i said with a wink and he smirked at me.

"arent we always?"

he quipped back and i couldnt help the smile creeping its way to my face. when clint walked in i heard him groan. he had decided to come back every few days to check on training progress and to make sure the renovations were going to plan.

"oh god, not you two."

he said, pouring his own coffee. i laughed, taking a sip.

"is there a problem officer?"

i asked and he sent me a testing look.

"no but i wont be staying, i wouldn't want to impose on whatever this is."

he said, motioning between us.

"How long has it been since you two have slept?"

he grumbled into his mug before leaving promptly. i turned back to bucky who winked at me. the thing is, ever since we'd started training, a spark was shot off and we keep finding ourselves together in bed. even if it is just for a round or two and never a full night. we hadnt committed to anything even close to that yet. that was okay with me though.

"my room or yours?"

i asked, biting my lip gently and i could hear him groan low in his throat.

"definitely yours, if i can wait that long."

he said almost annoyed with himself before strutting back out of the kitchen. i smiled widely, standing back up and returning to my position to watch the magic happen.

°°°°°°°°°

i laid in bed on my stomach and played with the ties on my silk robe. i had been waiting for bucky for what felt like forever and it was starting to get late. surely he didnt forget we were supposed to be doing something, he never forgot. i sighed as i rolled onto my back, worry starting to set in. i sat up quickly and walked around my bed, slipping my panties back on and tightening my robe. i looked to my phone before putting it in my pocket, it was already midnight and everyone else was asleep by now, those that were here at least.

i walked slowly down the dark hallway, side stepping the roomba-like creatures as they cleaned the floors. i drew my brows, not seeing a light coming from buckys room. did he fall alseep on me? even after he expressed his excitement? i almost felt offended. i crossed my arms over my chest before i heard him making sound from the other side of the door. i drew my brows, hearing him whine. i could almost make out soft 'no's. then i heard him scream. i tried the doorknob first but it was locked. then i started banging on the door.

"bucky?"

i called but no answer. i hit the door again.

"buck!"

i yelled but nothing.

"im coming in."

i said sternly, standing back and kicking the door open. everything was dark aside from the red glow of his alarm clock. i saw him stir against his pillows; he was still fully dressed, shoes and everything. he must've fallen asleep.

"no, no, get away from me."

i heard him mumble, his hand opening and closing a few times as he curled into a ball. it almost broke me seeing him like that. i stepped forward slowly.

"bucky?"

i said softly, touching his shoulder. a second later he snapped out of it, sitting upright and clutching my throat. he had the angriest look on his face like he was under some kind of spell. i gasped as i felt my feet leave the floor, reaching one hand to touch his face even at the distance we were at. as soon as i got contact all his memories flooded my mind as i absorbed them, seeing all the torture and pain they had caused him. this is what he was dreaming about. i clutched and scraped at the metal with my other hand before he realized what was happening and dropping me. i fell to the floor, couching up a storm and feeling the tears flowing down my face.

"oh my god, y/n, im so sorry."

he said, touching my back ever so gingerly.

"im so sorry."

he repeated, backing up. i finally caught my breath, placing both hands on the floor in front of me as i knelt down.

"buck."

i croaked out, reaching for him.

"im sorry."

he said again, helping me to the bed. he clicked the light on, making me blink hard against it.

"are you okay?"

he said a little broken and i nodded. then he gasped, standing quickly and walking backwards until he hit the wall. he covered his mouth and shook his head.

"whats wrong?"

i asked, standing and stepping slowly to him like you would a wounded animal.

"i hurt you."

i shook my head as he started huffing, trying not to cry. i grabbed his hand in mine and he tried to pull away. but i persisted.

"bucky look at me, you did not hurt me. i am fine. please just Hold my hand so i can show you."

he gave in slowly and i pulled him back to the bed with me.

"I heard you scream. is it the Nightmares again?"

he nodded slowly, looking to the ground.

"i thought they had gone."

he confessed, closing his eyes and resting his head in his hands. i rubbed his back slowly.

"You're going to be fine buck."

he looked over at me with sad eyes and i could see tears starting to form behind them.

"but i hurt you, how can i come back from that?"

i shook my head.

"bucky ill live, maybe with some bruising for a while but im still here. and i still trust you. you were doing so good and doing so much better. you said they were gone after all, at least until now."

he sighed.

"i guess i just had a moment of weakness. my best friend left me again and i just lived through another war."

he confessed and i pulled him in to hug me, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. he stiffened under my touch like he was worried hed hurt me again but i understood why. he was scared. hell, so was i.

"you are always allowed to have moments of weakness buck, especially if your dreams look like that."

i said and he pulled away, eyes wide.

"you saw them."

he said in realization and i nodded.

"yeah, i did see them."

i said and he shook his head, a tear finally escaping down his cheek and into his beard.

"im so sorry."

he said, his voice breaking as he began to cry.

"buck."

i said, pulling him back into me and hugging him tightly.

"you dont deserve my demons."

he said shakily, finally wrapping his arms around me. i pet his hair softly,

"maybe not, but they help me understand you and im thankful that i can."

i said just above a whisper, feeling him shake against me. i closed my eyes as we sat in silence. there was a million things i could say but none of them seemed right just yet so i decided against all of them. at the very least he could be vulnerable for a moment, even if it was just a moment. i liked that he could trust me enough to do this though. i sighed heavily, scratching at the back of his neck when i heard him sniffle.

"thank you."

he said softly, pulling away. in front of me was a broken man but i finally understood him as a person.

"you never have to thank me buck."

i said and he shook his head, wiping his face with his shirt sleeve.

"i know we arent exactly like that but i want you to know that i love you."

my eyes went wide.

"of course you dont have to say it back but i want you to know its true. we've been with each other for months and its only now im realizing how much i actually care for you and i just needed you to know that."

he said and i sent him a small smile, pulling him in for a chaste kiss. i could taste the salty tears against his lips and his face hot and flush against my cold finger tips. when i pulled away he finally smiled back.

"i love you too buck."