#that i'd rather recreate my past troubles

[tdnoco]

Noco and Me

noco scratches a particular itch in my brain see, when i was in higschool i had a gay crush on my straight best friend. and even though we had been friends for Years, because of my crush, i would never hug her. it felt like i’d be... imposing myself on her. i was always worried i’d make her uncomfortable. that it’d be predatory or smth. i was so worried about being rejected and also so sure that i was stupid for even having these feelings for someone who was Straight, and yet also desperately hoping that i’d be wrong, and she Wasn’t straight after all. and that’s a big reason i like noco. if we look at that sleeping kiss scene, yes it’s a joke, but it was also one of my worst nightmares. that i’d accidentally let myself go, that i’d do something horrid and unconsensual. (i never did, and i also don’t believe that noah had any longing for cody before that scene.) but still, the scene represents that fear. A gay accident that feels like being Outed, that affects somebody “Straight.” i still can’t watch that scene without skipping it, without cringing, without feeling embarassed. but if you look at what happened to noah afterwards - he wasn’t punished. Cody didn’t treat him with fear or anger or anything. In fact, Cody doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t bring it up, he doesn’t demand apologies (though it would be in his right too). It seems like he genuinely doesn’t mind, that he understood it was an accident. He holds no ill will...and i don’t know. To me that feels so... kind. Maybe this betrays my lack of standards, but for this guy to just effortly brush off noah’s gay mistake and not be mean about it... feels so generous.  Noah is not barred from hanging out with Cody, he’s not ostracized. Nothing happens. In fact, Cody minds so little about this incident, that he falls asleep near/with Noah again. Like Cody just cares so little. Like - Noah isn’t uninvited from the sleepover even after the incident. And that just feels so welcoming. I don’t know - noco just really assauges my gay fears. Also because Cody like... looks/feels straight, I can project my own conflicted feelings of pining for someone I can’t have onto Noah. (who is just very easy to project onto in general)

[liltalle]

Celebrimbor/Elrond in Lindon

This ship floated into my mind recently, and while I'm playing with the implications, I thought I'd share the bare seed to maybe help the idea grow.

The dynamic of two estranged Fëanorians washed up in Lindon together... there's a "cousinly closeness" (a phrase from Celeborn in @i-am-a-lonely-visitor's A Marriage Plot that comes to mind) between them in their complex relationships to the Fëanorians (they're kinda adoptive cousins), and it's a relief to know each other, someone who doesn't discount that past or distrust them for it, someone who can sit with them in the complex anger and grief.

And yet this connection has implications: they're living under Gil-Galad's fragile new regime of questionable legitimacy (to take textual uncertainty into reality), and they are the remaining heirs of Fëanor, and Elrond of much else. There are many in Lindon who would back them in a bid for the throne. And that congenital Finwëan ambition calls to them both, but they resist it. Celebrimbor is not going to recreate Nargothrond here, Elrond wants nothing to do with the throne... but the way Gil-Galad carefully maneuvers Elrond into an advisory role, so he supports the new regime rather than undermines it... it grates on Elrond, he wants to be loyal and just do his job well, but he's not trusted. And there's no one who really empathizes but Tyelpë... and that kinda looks/feels like conspiracy ;)

So I'm envisioning this delightful unsteady mutual isolation/understanding, and suppressed political ambition and frustration sublimated into... railing each other? A short-lived thing, while they settle into their new roles, until Elrond and Gil-Galad grow to trust each other and Celebrimbor moves to Ost-in-Edhil. But for a little while... I think it could be hot.

Any thoughts? I'd like to write something of this, but I've had trouble finishing things, maybe some conversation about the idea might help me :/ (and of course, if anyone else feels like running with it, that's welcome. I'd just love to know what you write, I'd love to read it, whether I have to write it myself or not)

[mdzs-owns-my-ass-i-guess]

Apocalypse/End of the world AU in which some sort of big catastrophic event has been heralded to happen for years and several hundred spaceships have been built to save a select few of humanity's elite and bring them on a new planet to ensure the human race doesn't just die out. (They are designed like massive cities, with living areas imitating nature, apartment complex-like structures for living, hospitals, recreational centers etc)

Other than those in the position to pay millions to save themselves and their families, there are some special categories of people that get to board the ships for free, with two other family members/friends/whatever: pilots and operating staff, engineers, scientists from several fields and state leaders.

Wei Wuxian is the chief engineering specialist in charge of the spaceship project. Being so close to it, he knows when the catastrophic event will take place, so he lets his parents, Cangse Sanren and Wei Changze, know in advance so they can get ready and secure a good place on one of the ships.

Except... they don't.

"We've lived our lives already, A-Ying." His father says, a serene smile on his face.

"It's true, we're old by now! We would only cause trouble, you know?" His mother says and offers him a comforting hug. "You're such a big boy now, so strong and capable, and we're really proud of you and grateful that you want to take us with you, but we would like to die in our house, on our planet, here."

Wei Ying's eyes are filling with tears. "I can't go and know I've left you like this... is there no way I can convince you to come? I showed you my designs, everything, I can make you a home just like this one-"

His parents envelop him in a tight, loving embrace. "We love you more than words can say, A-Ying. We are so proud of you and so happy we got to be your parents. But the future belongs to you now, to your generation. It is you that should get in those ships, not us."

--

"My parents won't come with us." Wei Ying says, distantly, reviewing some of the ship's final plans.

Wen Qing sighs, places a comforting hand on one of his shoulders. "I'm sorry to hear that... But that's understandable, in a way... this is more than leaving your house or your country..."

Wei Ying gives her a half smile. "What about you? Have you talked to your uncle?"

Wen Qing looks away, picking up some paperwork off an adjacent table and activating a hologram to input some of the data. "He will be taking Wen Chao and Wen Xu."

Wei Ying's expression falls. "...that's...that's all?"

"Yes."

"What a piece of shit! It's not like he can't afford the tickets for you and Wen Ning..."

She shrugs, already having made peace with it. "It's his money. And it's not his fault I didn't qualify to take anyone with me either. I guess there are more than enough doctors around..."

"I'll take you. And Wen Ning. And A-Yuan."

Wen Qing's eyes widen, and she drops the papers onto the ground. "Wei Wuxian-"

"I have to adopt him so I don't have to pay for the ticket, but that's just a formality-"

"You don't have to do this, you should take someone that matters to you-"

"You guys are like my family anyway. We've been working together for years. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather take with."

She's crying before she knows it. "...thank you."

---

A-Yuan is more than excited to go on the ship, ooh-ing and aah-ing at everything he can see: the high ceilings, the tall, thick walls, the lifelike greenery, even the trashcans.

He's adorable, and serves as good distraction from the fact that, in just a few hours, the world as they all know it will be gone, with all the people in it. It had been an emotional last couple of months - Wei Ying spent most of it with his parents, whilst Wen Qing and Wen Ning made sure A-Yuan got plenty of memories with granny and Fourth Uncle, as well as the rest of their relatives that would be long dead by the time the ships even made it past Jupiter.

Boarding is... an unpleasant business, to put it elegantly. Rich snobes flaunt their wealth obstentatiously, some of them having brought their luxury cars and private planes aboard, mindless of the fact that the new planet would not be providing them compatible fuel. Staff hauled dozens upon dozens of designer bags, expensive alcohol collections and jewelry vaults - as if any of those would matter at all in the end.

It was only one particular family that brought books alongside their personal riches. The family that sponsored the project since the beginning and gathered more than enough financial support from other impossibly rich families: the Lan.

Wei Ying admired them for that, for the fact that they were not as snobbish and materialistic as others (read: the Jins) to bring their entire net worths with them to a whole new planet - and also because they did not just throw money at the project but became actively involved.

Their eldest and second eldest sons were part of the pilot crew, and the head of the family, Lan Qiren, was in charge of cultural heritage preservation and archives. There were some other family members doing the odd administrative job on the ship as well, though the crew was so large it was hard to keep track of them all.

The only reason Wei Ying remembered those three's names was that he had worked with them, especially running multiple test flights as co-pilot for Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen. He had grown somewhat of a camaraderie with them, but he was especially keen on making friends with Lan Wangji, who he found intriguing and, to be frank, really attractive. (Not that Lan Xichen wasn't, they had almost the same face, but Wei Ying couldn't help gravitating towards the stoic one of the brothers and trying to get him to open up a bit).

The day of departure was especially busy for the crew and engineers, so after dropping the Wens off at their living quarters, Wei Ying was quick to enter the command room and help take-off.

Lan Wangji was chosen as captain for that day, in his white uniform and distinct forehead ribbon, and Wei Ying was glad - because he always seemed to synchronize so well with Lan Wangji, much smoother and easier than with anyone else, like they shared a mind.

"I have seen you with your family at the entrance gate." He said, sipping from a cup of steaming hot tea as the crew awaited orders. "I did not know you had a son."

"The Wens are my family, but we are not blood-related. My parents wanted to stay behind and the Wens' uncle had made... other choices. So I decided to take them with me instead." A little smile. "Oh, and I adopted A-Yuan, but he's actually Wen Qing's little cousin. We're all taking care of him, though."

Lan Wangji felt inexplicably relieved at the explanation. He had thought Wei Ying had perhaps been married with a child and just never said anything... which would have made Wangji feel even more awkward about the crush he already had on Wei Ying. Thankfully, that wasn't the case. Thankfully...? Hard to say. Wangji was finding it more and more difficult to conceal his feelings for Wei Ying, and the situation was already deeply emotionally charged...

Take-off had gone as planned. Under Wei Ying's careful guidance, Lan Wangji seamlessly worked through each maneuver, like he had often done in every simulation. But that wasn't just a simulation anymore. And just like everybody else in the cabin, Wangji cried upon departure, the familiar planes of Earth becoming increasingly distant as the ship moved on its designated course.

After he was certain that everything was in order, Wei Ying was quick to excuse himself, overwhelmed with everything. He had just left his friends and family to die, while he was safely headed to a new planet, never to see his home again.

Wangji could sympathize with this, of course. But he couldn't stand thinking Wei Ying was alone, crying in some corner of the ship, he wanted to be there, to help him.

He finds Wei Ying in one of the control rooms, gazing at the ever smaller image of the Earth, sniffling quietly.

"Lan Zhan...?"

"Mn. Do you mind if I join you?"

Wei Ying didn't respond and Lan Zhan took it as a yes. If Wei Ying hadn't wanted him there, he would have sent him away.

"I knew this was going to be hard, but... I can't help feeling like I've abandoned everyone... like... I don't know... " The sniffles turned into sobs. "What's the use of all this if... so many people are going to die out there anyway? Who have I helped save? Those that caused this mess in the first place? What's the point?!"

Lan Zhan resonated with that so deeply that his heart ached. He felt the same, hated the fact that it was privilege that decided who would be worthy to live and who would be left for a gruesome death. That was why he insisted he become a pilot in this project - so he wouldn't be just another rich asshole buying his ticket for survival just because he had the means to. And that was why he and Xichen had donated so much money to people, as well - but they couldn't save everyone.

There was nothing Lan Zhan could think to do but cradle Wei Ying in his arms, tightly, lovingly. "You have done your best, always. It was not you who decided how your inventions would be used. You've already saved more people than anybody could have, do not be cruel to yourself."

They stayed like that for a long time, watching the Earth getting farther and farther away, holding one another like they would dissipate if they let go.

"I'm glad you're here..." Wei Ying whispered, burrowing his head in Lan Zhan's chest. "Thank you for being here..."

"I will always be."

[artilaz]

(sending another one since the first one didn't work out) 🍑 [PEACH] How do they show their kindness? How kind are they truly? 🌶️ [HOT PEPPER] Who would your OC declare their sworn enemy if they could meet them?

I'm assuming you want these for the old Captain too, so let's go-

🍑 [PEACH] How do they show their kindness? How kind are they truly?

Despite usually giving off a rather stern impression, Aozhan is definitely one of the kindest people you'll meet in my universe. I'd say he'll easily make it into the top three. He's not exactly a chipper or outgoing person, but his kindness shows through his deeds. He's always willing to help someone in need, even if it means he'll sacrifice his own needs along the way, and he also always has an open ear for the troubles of those near him. Another big virtue of his is mercy/forgiveness, which I think can be counted as kindness as well. Even if someone has wronged him in the past, he's willing to give them another chance if they seem honest about it. He's gained some valuable allies in the past from that.

🌶️ [HOT PEPPER] Who would your OC declare their sworn enemy if they could meet them?

Clearly Azcaoth, the man who's seeking divinity and threatening to destroy the entire universe to recreate it to his own idea. It's believed that Aozhan might be the only person capable of foiling those plans, although he himself isn't sure he believes it. Since he swore to fight to protect all who are in need, though, a person who's aiming to eradicate all life is automatically his enemy.