#that shit was soooooooooo bad i let myself be in pain for way too long

[themanwhowouldbefruit]

i literally can't even look at the clothes that i was wearing for the last two (and even one) years. like first of all they dont fit and are stretched all to hell as well from being worn anyways but damn!!!! even looking at them just takes me back and makes me feel sick to my stomach and i literally want to puke it's so visceral.

[seafoamchild]

september 17th

today was the weirdest day. me and austin had planned to go trip at the sand dunes. he was hungover and he was like Let's get lox bagels and i was like Hell yeah so we tried to go to this place on the other side of downtown because they have the best lox bagels but there was some kind of walk/run race type bullshit thing going on and they had literally closed off EVERY road in the whole fucking city. like it was actually insane. we tried like ten different ways to get there and literally could not find a road that wasn't closed. so then we ended up going back to his house so he could ride his bike there to pick up the lox bagels that we had already paid for over the phone. so by the time we actually got our bagels it had literally been two and a half hours hahaha. to get somewhere that was theoretically a fifteen minute drive from my house. the fuckery! i swear to god.

then when we got to the beach it was super cloudy and the sun totally disappeared. we made mushroom tea and just laid on the beach and listened to music. i was soooooooooo anxious. he brought his dog and i don't like dogs in general but his dog is not well trained and it barks like crazy at everything that moves and it was driving me INSANE. like i was just trying to have a nice time tripping at the beach but it felt like we were caring for a toddler. and it really spelled things out for me, like i cannot be invested in this relationship because one, the sexual chemistry just isn't there for me and two, the dog is seriously a dealbreaker as much as i hate to admit it. i just don't like dogs, especially ones that aren't trained, and i'm allowed to feel that.

so i had so much anxiety i could barely think straight, which i deserve for putting this off for so long. it was literally the worst trip i've ever had lol. and it really is my fault for not being honest with myself or with austin. i felt so anxious i could have probably puked so i finally told him i just don't think this can go anywhere for me romantically. he did not take it very well. like he was nice and understanding about it but i guess i didn't really realize how invested he was in our relationship. we've only had sex a few times and were certainly never "official" but i think i really broke this dude's heart. and i feel like shit about it. i really wished it could be something more than friends but i can't lie to myself about that anymore. it just sucks that it felt like all the pieces were there except for the attraction, which isn't something i can change or control.

it's really going to suck to lose him as a friend for the time being. he told me he'd probably need like a month of space. i really hope he'll still be able to be my friend after that. he said it would be really hard because he feels so much attraction to me. and also the fact that i like to go out and do stuff and go on random adventures is going to be hard for him to deal with if we're just friends because that's the number one quality he looks for in a partner.

it is really shitty to see someone i care about be so broken-hearted about something that is making me feel intensely relieved. just really shitty. not anywhere near as shitty as he is feeling. and i am so sorry to have caused him pain like this. i wish i had done things differently. i feel like a very bad person. i also feel relieved to have finally been honest. but i hope it wasn't too late and that i didn't burn this bridge. because i really like everything about him except that i don't feel it romantically. shit sucks.

[velvetcinn]

it won't be fixed. I've stopped trying. he's tired of me and my sadness and clingy and stubborn and selfish and my need for him to have me as the only girl in his life. it isn't going to work out so why are we wasting our time. I can't move passed this, I won't be happy. nothing matters anymore and I'm too fucking empty to care. he just gets mad at me all the time anyways. he gets upset I'm on his phone, when he said i could loom through it whenever, and that just sets off so many anxiety alarms like what exactly is he still trying to hide. he doesn't have to hide shit anymore, we are broken up and he's not doing enough to make up for a whole fucking shit storm of lies and unloyalty for over a year. I never did shit to jeopardize us, I never liked other guys pictures and was so desperate enough to send them pokes and shit on facebook to have them notice me, when I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP. he thinks i make a big deal about everything when i kept this to myself for so long. there's so much stupid shit wrong with everything that has to do with us but mainly it's just he doesn't want to admit that one girl, me, is enough for him. I do anything for him and it's not enough. so I gave up. I'm not doing anything anymore because why should i. I'm always the one showing I love and he rarely does besides driving out here but that's probably just so he can get fucked or not have his parents asking him 40 questions. he will look at other girls again when he gets a computer, if he isn't already. he will talk to other girls again if he isn't already. he will look them up on instagram and do all this shit and be back to not giving a fuck what wrecks me and makes me so insecure... all my insecurity stems from him anyways. always looking at other girls, porn, whatever, talking to trash girls who I hate but he finds attractive, girls who are like 6+ years younger than him, lies about it all and more and even more I will probably never know about, like I'm positive it's him in the video and he continues to deny it. of course I'm going to be insecure about him and other girls and that's his fault because he turned me into this shit. I can't trust him to even talk to them. he probably sent nudes to them too and doesn't want to admit it to me. so I'll never feel good enough for him, and I will never trust him. what's the point. we have no future together anymore. not even as friends. if we were friends he would have never lied to my face for over a year straight, having so much time to come clean to me. he fucking has attitude about me not wanting him to associate with other girls when this is all his fault in the first place. he should be glad I'm still talking with him if he *loves me soooooooooo much*. he should be offering to delete all these girls off of facebook but no he won't delete her because they are just SUCH good friends even though he talked shit about her? okay. who's to say he doesn't do it about me too. he should be trying anything to diffuse situations but nope he just gets pissed off at me because apparently that's who he truly is now that I've learned so much about him. I am just nothing, I am an option for him, not a priority. he doesn't know what love is. he definitely doesn't love me and I can see it but for some reason he can't. I am in such a bad place and he's just sleeping there next to me. I'm tired of feeling broken and constantly feeling my heart shatter into even smaller pieces than I thought possible. he doesn't love me, he needs to let me go. he knows he doesn't love me so what is he doing this for. does he feel bad for me? for causing this? does he feel obligated to be here? that's probably it. I give up. I can't even say I miss who he used to be because he was a giant fucking liar then. so I guess I miss the person I thought he was. the person who I thought I fell in love with. but I fell in love with a wolf in sheep's clothing. a ghost. a dream. something that never truly exists. it pains me. he is not who I thought he was. still waiting to find you. when we meet, everything will be breath-taking. I hope I feel like I've known you forever. I will never lie to you, and you won't lie to me. you will cherish the relationship we build just as much as I do, and it will just get better and better every day. we will be able to function and have trust and I will be so happy, and do my best to make you happy too. I'm so impatient, and tired of hurting. help me heal. I try to think positive that there is someone like you out there who won't ever hurt me like this or turn me into a crazy person that I truly am not. you won't put these situations, trials, and emptiness upon me, you will never make me feel like I am not enough. you won't turn me into a disgusting, jealous, untrusting monster who I can barely recognize as myself. you'll show me every day that I'm enough. you won't make me feel bad for always wanting to be with you. we can be together always and you will treat me the way I deserve: like a real person, a true friend, and someone you love deeply. I will finally be me. happy, loving, trusting. able to enjoy our moments to the max because I know they mean as much to you as they do to me, and knowing you would do anything in your power to make sure we make it and that you never have to see me cry because of you. you'll watch me cry so much over this last relationship, I hope you will promise yourself you will never hurt me the way he did. until then soulmate, hope I find it in me to make it out of this alive. it's getting hard again keeping everything to myself, knowing nobody gives a shit about me is tiring me and making me sink deeper. and when it's like this after I meet you, 4am and I'm depressed and full of anxiety, you'll actually care. you'll hold me and tell me nice things and that you love me. maybe you'll even make me tea. I can't wait to stop feeling so alone, it's so hard without you.