#that's a lot when you list it out lol i just usually hazily think of it as a handful of books but it's like 30 D:

[shepherds-of-haven]

Did you name your novels or were they just ShoH 1, ShoH 2, ShoH 3, etc.? (If yes, can you also tell their names please?)

Hi there, thanks for the question! In my head they were Volumes 1-20-something--actually, if you’ll believe it, in my head for a long time I named the books after colors, and somehow kept track... but at some point I did put a formal list of potential titles together. I never used the “real” titles mentally, except for The Bridge of Bones, Fortress of the Dead, and the books in Series II and III: I still remember thinking of the first book in Series I as “red” and the second book as “orange”... 😬 And the files/scenes in each book were labelled “aaa”, “bb”, “++”. The more letters there were, the number of times the scene had been rewritten (so “a” was a first draft of the first scene in the book, and “aaa” was the same scene, but more polished... what was I thinking?)

Anyway, I had to go digging to remember my ideas for the titles of some of the earlier books, so please forgive any cringyness lol, I was pretty young when I wrote Series I! I also don’t know if these are all of the ShoH novels--these are just the main chronological ones, but there were some spin-offs and AUs that I don’t name here!

Series I: World Without End

The Witching Wheel 

Blood and Fire

Gunpowder Magic

Battle Mage

The Knife That Spoke

Oathbreaker

Shadowsight 

The Code of War

The City of Midnight

The Foundling’s Soul

The Silver Covenant

The Gates of the Earth

Child of the Stars

Series II: The Storm of the Worlds

The Thunder March

The Lightning War

The Conquered Sky

Series III: The Land of the Gods

The Eternal Sea

The Country Cloaked in Moon

Bridge Series: 

Fortress of the Dead

The Bridge of Bones

The Razor Crown

The God-King’s Sun

Series IV: The Naming of All Things

Harlequin

Valkyrie

Jeremiad

The Council of Kingmakers

Canticle of the Namer

The Blessed Isles

Read below if you want as concise of an explanation for these titles as I can provide!

In case you’re curious, Series I up until Battle Mage follows the protagonist, Arainia, as a young girl (I think 11 or 13) after the death of her mother, being sent to Solhadur amidst family conflict with her father and older sister, her various adventures there at school (meeting Red, Pan, Neon, etc.), graduating, attempting to join the Ket army (it’s complicated), and then deciding to join the Shepherds at around 18 or 19. She undergoes training in the academy, joins her squad (this is where Trouble, Riel, Chase, Halek, and the rest come in), and becomes a Shepherd officer alongside her childhood best friend Blade in Battle Mage. The Knife that Spoke and onward details various missions, investigations, battles, recruitments, and adventures that they all embark on as young adults into their twenties, with some books following different perspectives in the squad (Blade, Riel, Trouble, Chase, Halek, Red, Wintry, and Junoth [the last two not in the game] all get their turn narrating a book or at least a large part of one), with Shery, Ayla, Mimir, Lavinet, Tallys, Neon, Croelle, and many other characters featuring heavily. Around this time, civil war is brewing between the Elves, Ket, and certain factions of Mages, and Endarkened attacks soon begin to rise as the Order struggles to keep the peace. 

Series II details the outbreak of total world war that is essentially the Castigation in the game, with Western Norm kingdoms and territories suddenly and unexpectedly marching on the East--except in the novels, demons and demon armies are also involved, and the war is ultimately averted/ended in a truce as both sides finally unite to confront the Endarkened. It’s during this time period that Riel defects and seemingly betrays the group in favor of “the other side.” Blade is also seemingly killed at the end of the first book of this series and doesn’t reappear again until the third book, Arainia is captured and held as a prisoner of war all while thinking her best friend is dead, and it’s an upsetting time for everybody. Junoth also actually dies. RIP. Croelle pops in to save the day!

Series III details the aftermath of the war and a mission to find unoccupied land for displaced factions of soldiers, diplomats, traders, and civilians from the Norm territories (led by Riel), leading to a voyage across the Mirror Sea to explore the vast continent to the south of Blest, called colloquially “the Land of the Gods.” The second book in this series is also when Blade and Arainia FINALLY confess their feelings for each other and get together, and the big love triangle in the series is finally mostly settled. Oh, but things also aren’t perfect because the Order forbids relationships between officers (like they’ll actually be fired, not Blade’s lame rule in the game lmao), so they live in fear of being discovered because neither wants to quit being a Shepherd! Their hope is that Blade will be named Commander when the current one resigns, and then he can just... change the rule LOL. 

The Bridge Series has some companion novels that take place in between Series III and IV; Fortress of the Dead is Croelle-centric (this is when he informally joins the Order in the books) and The Bridge of Bones details some political bullshit and coups and conspiracies within the Order when its Commander dies unexpectedly and seemingly names a shady outsider (Edric) as the new Commander instead of Blade. The group is placed on different squads to split them up and prevent rebellion from brewing (it happens anyway), and it’s all very crazy. This is also when Lavinet sort of becomes a good guy, Shery becomes a badass, Shyf Cian first appears as the HR rep everyone hates, and this book is also pretty Chase-centric (he pretty much saves the day) and features a Mage serial killer, a psychopathic criminal syndicate leader, and an evil Changeling! I think it’s my favorite novel of the series. From what I remember, The Razor Crown and The God-King’s Sun are just super angsty for no good reason other than I guess I felt like writing a lot of angst--though the God-King’s Sun is also the first appearance of a true Autarch in the series. 

By the time we get to Series IV, the characters are in their thirties, settling into adulthood and their respective roles in life. Blade finally assumes command of the Order, Blade and Arainia get married, Halek and Wintry have a baby (Kana!), Halek turns 33 and has a life crisis, Arainia gets pregnant (and then kidnapped for a large part of her pregnancy lolll), Riel and Chase finally make reluctant peace, some other stuff happens, uh there’s some Mimir stuff in there, Red successfully makes a trip to another world, and Arainia gives birth to a Ket-Mage son in... I think it was either The Canticle of the Namer or The Blessed Isles. 

So... yeah! 28+ main novels, and I’m still going, just for me! 😂 I tend to write a lot of AUs of the series in my off-time, though sometimes the AUs are just “what if this took place in the same world but things are totally different--like what if they were politicians instead of Shepherds, what if the Shepherds functioned differently due to a different historical event occurring, what if the Castigation happened but it was Mages who instigated it, what if they were soldiers in a war 5000 years before the main series takes place, etc.”; or they take place in totally different worlds, like the characters as cops in a modern world that has cell phones and cars but also still has the Diminished races and magic somehow!

Thanks for your question, and for reading this long talk! 😅

[qbswhumpsideblog]

I would love to request a Voltron fic!!! I'm cool with literally anything, but here's an idea if it helps: I've seen a lot of fics where Lance is late to assemble because he's sick, but maybe one where he doesn't show up at all? And so someone is sent to go grab him and they sort of mercilessly pull him out of bed and ignore his protests that he's not feeling well, thinking that he's faking. And something happens while Allura is briefing them--passes out, starts to hallucinate, etc. Thank you!!!

So I wanted to have this done for your graduation, @taylor-tut​, but then life happened. XD

Lance actually isn’t my fave at all, so it was v challenging for me trying to get into his perspective. It isn’t that I dislike him, or that he’s a bad character? He’s just at the bottom of the list of the seven mains, and there are some secondaries I engage with more as well, lol. SO I REALLY HOPE I DID HIS CHARACTER JUSTICE! XD

===============

“Lance!”

The curt voice woke Lance so suddenly that he nearly fell out of bed; pain stabbed through his head. The lights came on and he buried his face in his hands as he suppressed a moan.

“Lance!” Allura said again, “did you forget about training this morning?”

“S-sorry,” he stammered. “I must have slept through the alarm. I- I don’t feel very good.”

“We don’t have time for dramatics, Lance. You look fine to me; hurry and get up. You’re putting us behind schedule,” Allura added, frowning deeply

“I—okay,” he conceded. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“Good, we’ve lost enough time this morning.”

Allura strode out, her quick, precise footsteps disappearing down the hall, as Lance dragged himself into the bathroom. The mirror showed him red eyes and flushed cheeks, the rest of his face unusually pale. His head ached fiercely, his eyes, too, and he was dizzy, his body heavy. Lance shivered in the cool air of the bathroom

“Come on, Lance,” he said to his reflection. “You can do this. You didn’t even get blown up.”

Lance pondered a drink from the tap, but the thought nauseated him, so he splashed some water on his face instead, then got dressed, grimacing at the soreness in his body as he did so. He headed down the hallway to the bridge, though he had to steady himself against the wall several times as the hallway moved around him. Lance’s face burned with embarrassment as he came through the door and joined the others. Lance stared at the floor, too ashamed of the delay he’d caused to meet anyone’s eyes.

Allura arched one delicate eyebrow. “Nice of you to join us, Lance; let’s get started.”

Allura launched into an explanation of the training exercise she’d planned for the day, and Lance managed to follow along decently well until she pulled up the holographic space map and starting whirling it around. Even after she stopped manipulating the display, the stars kept spinning in front of his eyes and Lance had to grope for the edge of the nearest console to ground himself. He closed his eyes for a moment but the vertigo worsened, so he opened them again and focussed on the edge of the console under his hand and hoped the room would stop moving. With the rushing in his ears it took a minute for Lance to realise that Hunk was talking to him. When Lance tried to make eye contact he lost the tenuous grasp he had on his strength and balance and lurched sideways into the edge of the console as his knees buckled.

A cacophony of speech made his headache surge, and Lance found himself unable to identify any one voice through the pain and fuzziness in his head. A steady, familiar hand gripped his elbow, then Hunk’s other arm wrapped firmly around his waist. Lance rested his head on Hunk’s shoulder as his friend eased him down to sit on the floor. Another wave of noise made him groan as his head throbbed in time, and with his head on Hunk’s shoulder Lance felt the rumble as he told the others to quiet down. After a long moment the riot of voices subsided and Lance sighed in relief.

Shiro knelt in front of him and the others hovered behind, blurry concern on the human faces and confusion on the Altean ones.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Shiro asked gently. “You’re pretty flushed there, Lance.”

“Dizzy. M'head hurts.” Lance rolled his head along Hunk’s shoulder and looked up hazily at Allura, vision spotty. “Sorry, Princess, didn’ mean t'be dramatic.”

Hunk’s broad, callused palm cupped his cheek and Lance leaned into the cool touch with a faint moan, then Hunk slid his hand up and pressed the backs of his fingers gently to Lance’s forehead. “Shiro, he’s burning up.”

“Oh, Lance,” Shiro murmured, face drawn into a worried frown. “You’re really not feeling well, huh?” He rested his flesh hand on Lance’s knee and squeezed lightly. “You’ve gotta tell us this stuff. We have to take care of each other.”

“Shiro,” Allura interjected, “I fear I am to blame for this. Lance told me he was unwell, but I dismissed his words. I’m unfamiliar with signs of human illness and I scolded him. Lance, I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for dismissing you and I hope you’ll forgive me. I’ll do better in the future.”

“Allura-” Shiro began, but Lance interrupted.

“S'okay, Princess. Y'didn’t know. Humans’re weird f'r you.” Lance smiled weakly, a transparency of his usual bright grin. “C'n I go back t'bed though? ’M tired.”

“Yeah, dude, you need to be in bed. Let’s go,” Hunk said, and stood slowly, bringing Lance up to standing with him.

“Hey,” said Keith, “I’ll help, here.” He slotted himself in against Lance’s other side and drew Lance’s arm over his shoulders.

“Is there some way I can help?” Allura asked.

“He’ll need plenty of water and probably another blanket or two,” Pidge spoke up for the first time. “If you go get that, I’ll get a couple other things for him.”

“I’ll do that, thank you, Pidge.”

“There’s something I want to grab, too,” Shiro added, “so I’ll be along in a few minutes.”

The group dispersed, and Lance stumbled back to his room supported by Hunk and Keith on either side. Keith left as Hunk helped Lance get changed, then came back as Hunk tucked Lance into bed with a bowl of water and a couple of soft cloths afloat in it.

“I know it doesn’t really do anything, but it feels nice.” Keith shrugged, then squeezed out a cloth and laid it across Lance’s forehead.

Lance reached up with a shaking hand and pulled it down a little; the coolness felt wonderful on his throbbing eyes and temples. “Thanks.”

“No problem. Feel better,” Keith added, and the door whooshed as he left again.

Lance shifted under the blankets; he couldn’t get comfortable, back aching, and then to make things worse he started shivering as chills ran up his spine.

“What’s up, man?” Hunk asked as he perched himself on the edge of the bed.

“M'back, can’t get comfy. ‘N I’m cold.”

Hunk made his thinking noise, then there were a couple of low thumps and he crawled carefully over Lance and situated himself in the corner of the bed. Gently—Lance always marvelled at the gentleness in Hunk’s strength—Hunk moved Lance up to lean back against him in a semi-reclined position. Tucked against his friend’s solid bulk, Lance sighed and began to relax as Hunk’s warmth eased some of the chills and started seeping into the aching muscles of his back. When refreshing the cloth prompted another shiver, Hunk pulled the blankets up a little higher and wrapped an arm around Lance’s waist.

“Better, dude?”

Lance hummed an affirmative, then melted as Hunk started carding his fingers through Lance’s hair and scratching his nails oh-so-slightly against his friend’s scalp as he did so.

“Rest, buddy. We gotcha.”

By the time Shiro, Pidge, and Allura came quietly into the room a couple of minutes later, Lance was already asleep.

[aileen-hollingsworth]

B R O K E N   P I E C E S ~#14

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A/N: Ok, this takes place a few days after the funeral and the northern rebel attack that happened with Aliya ages ago. This fic mostly centers around Haiden and Aileen’s friendship, but there’s mild Colleen at the end. Thanks @haidenschreave for the rp. Ft. Haiden, Cole, and mild mention of Naomi. I hope it makes sense lol. Cass, watch out for the pun, it’s good.

||Aileen||

After visiting Naomi at the hospital—screaming with her for an hour about ‘how long has this been a thing’—I decided it was time to tell Haiden about me and Cole as well. And so I found myself knocking on his door repeatedly. I’m just gonna say it.

The door opened a few seconds later. “Haiden I—”

He gave me a puzzled look when I paused, but I was too focused on the way he carelessly leaned on the doorway and the exhaustion written all over his face. He smelled like alcohol.

“Aileen?”

I remained silent for a while, the words I’d been planning to say sticking on my throat. I knew he was still getting over everything that had happened in the last two weeks and it had been worse after the funeral—the sadness in his eyes could be seen by anyone after it—but I was hoping it wouldn’t get worse. Suddenly I remembered why I’d been waiting to give him the good news. Wouldn’t it be insensitive of me? What if he thought I was rubbing it in on his face?

I settled with embracing him in a hug and it took him a moment to react with a groan. “You've been gone for a week. You can't possibly miss me already.”

That didn’t make me let go. “I couldn't talk to you at the funeral; I just wanted to check up on you. And I can totally miss you if I please.”

He pulled me into his room and slumped onto his chair, pressing his fingers on his temples. “Agh, don't talk so quickly.”

I tilted my head at his oversensitivity and asked, “How many?” as I sat on the carpet.

He shrugged. “I... don't know. It sort of blurred.”

Staring at the ground I scolded myself for not checking up on him before, especially after what I’d found in Cole’s room—the one thing in Cole’s room that wasn’t his. I thought he needed some space but… I sighed looking back at him. “Do you want me to get you something for the headache?”

“No, let me suffer.”

“You're a lot more dramatic when you're drunk.”

“I'm not drunk anymore. Just hungover and sad. Will you grab that bottle of vodka from my armoire?”

Sure, will. I stood up and went for it, but instead of offering him a glass I headed for the bathroom to throw it in the sink.

He watched as vodka slowly poured out of the nozzle. “That physically hurts me.”

“You need a break from it, sorry.”

“Come on, give me my fun.”

I wanted to yell at him that he’d probably been having fun with it for a whole week, but I knew that wouldn’t help, so I just kept on pouring it on the sink. “Haiden, this won't fix things.”

“Maybe not, but it makes me feel better.”

“Really?” I raised an eyebrow at the way he hazily sat on the chair—it seemed like he would slip off of it any second now. “You feel better right now?”

“Better than I felt last night.”

I wished I knew what to say. “Look, I won't pretend I know how you feel right now, but I don't think this is the best way to deal with it.” I walked back to him with the empty bottle. “We can talk about it if you want…or we can go to the roof, I know you like it there.”

“I don't really want to do anything.” He admitted with a shrug.

Maybe he doesn’t want you here either. I looked down at the bottle. “Do you... Do you want me to leave? Or is it okay if I stay?”

“No, stay.”

I nodded and walked over to his bed before sitting on the edge. “I'm sorry if I'm not being helpful.”

He shook his head. “It's not your fault... Uh, what did you need?”

“Oh, um…” I analyzed the craftsmanship of his bedposts in an attempt to hide my lie. “It was nothing really. Just wanted to see how you were doing.”

He didn’t buy it. “No, tell me. You're my best friend, Aileen.”

I smiled at his last sentence. Sometimes I wondered why he mentioned it so often, but it was nice to hear. “You're mine too...but it might not be the right moment.”

“Is it good?”

I failed to hide my grin. “I'd say so.”

“Then tell me, please.” He seemed eager to hear some good news. Okay, maybe it’s not a bad idea.

“We kissed.” I blurted out and he sat up correctly.

“We? Yeah, I know that.”

“No, no…” I shook my head, but then stopped. “I mean... yes, we did, but that's not what I'm talking about right now.” Nice going, Aileen, making a lot of sense. “Cole. And me. We kissed.”

Haiden blinked. “Oh. Oh! Uh... great?”

I reached for a pillow and threw it at him. He shrunk when it made contact, and then the pillow fell harmlessly to the floor. “Thanks for the enthusiasm.”

“I'm sorry, it just surprised me. I didn't think Cole had the guts to do it.”

I laughed, but then came to a halt when I realized something. “Wait...now that I think about it I never told Cole I wasn't actually competing in the Selection, yet he kissed me anyway...” Cole had known I wasn’t participating when he’d kissed me. I was sure of it. He knew there was a possibility I liked him back. Smirking at Haiden I asked, “Did you tell him?”

“Technically...” he admitted, begrudgingly, but then, “I didn't think he'd remember.”

“Why wouldn't he remember?”

“He was sort of dying.”

“Oh... You pick some lousy moments to talk about important things.”

“Better late than never.” He tapped his fingers on his knee. “So, uh, how was it?” He royally sucked at showing excitement for the news, but I took what I got with a smile as I let my back fall to the bed.

“Good. He told me how he felt about me, and we were both kind of cheesy around the whole situation” I laughed thinking of Cole’s lie detector “but it ended with a kiss...” And now we see each other all the time.

“Good, good. I'm... happy for you.”

I reached for a pillow to cover my face and groaned, the pillow making it a strange muffled sound. “I really like him. Why didn't I realize it before?”

“Because you're stupid.” Haiden replied with nonchalance.

“You're stupid.” My muffled voice countered.

“I know.”

I sighed and took the pillow off my face, using my elbows as support to raise my head from the bed. He seemed a bit better. More like himself.

“You doing okay?” he asked after my staring.

“You once said you would tell me who you were going to pick beforehand, to see what I thought of her, so I'll extend the same courtesy.” His judgment was usually confusing, but I trusted it when it came to things that really mattered. “What do you think of him? Not personally, but....you know...for me. What do you think of him as a person?”

“Obviously he and I aren't... friends. But we're family and maybe he's not so bad. If you like him, then that's all that matters. He's a good guy.”

“You think you'll manage not to kill each other?”

“We've managed for twenty years. I think we can manage twenty more.”

I raised an eyebrow with amusement. “Just twenty more?”

“Maybe twenty-one.”

“So... you'll kill each other when you reach your forties?”

“We'll both be old and crippled, we won't get that far.”

“My parents are on their forties.”

“So are mine. We can't have everything.”

“My mother would be highly offended.”

He gave an annoyed glance. “Well, you're not going to tell her.”

“What makes you so sure I won't?” I teased.

“Then you'll never date Cole.”

Is that the best threat drunk-Haiden can come up with? “I don't see how those two things collide with each other.”

“They do, shush.”

“Bad comeback, Haiden.”

“I never said I was gifted in the art of comebacks.”

“Pity.” I crossed my legs on the bed. “Anyway, what about you? How are things going with the girls? I know you'll pick the last four soon.”

“It's... tense, but easier.”

“Define tense.”

“I don't know. It's just... tense.” Haiden, clearly you’ve never read a dictionary.

“Hasn't it always been like that?”

“Yeah, but it's different.”

“In a bad sense?”

“Not exactly.”

“You said you thought you liked someone, is that person still on the...” I tried to think of the right term. “Uh, top of the list?”

“Wouldn't you like to know.”

“Oh, come on. I'm not even asking for a name.”

“Okay, fine.” He slumped on the chair again. “She is.”

“Does she like you back?”

“I mean, I hope so.”

“You hope so?” I repeated with a laugh.

“You know I can't read hints.”

“Have you kissed?”

“Maybe.”

“Did she seem to...” I made hand gestures “you know… like it?”

He threw his arms in the air. “I don't know!”

“Goodness, Haiden. Girls aren't as hard to read!”

“Yes they are!”

“Nuh uh!” We sounded like children, but didn’t care. “Guys, are a lot more complicated.”

“No, guys are not complicated.”

“Well, girls aren't complicated either.” I pointed at him accusingly. “I remember lots of girls thought of you as a complete enigma when this started.” That finally got a laugh out of him and I smiled at my small victory before going on. “They thought you were too distant and shy. You can imagine my confusion.”

“Maybe I am distant and shy.”

“I never thought of you as shy.”

“Really? Then again, our first date was actually interesting.”

I snorted. “Yeah, we stole bread and you pretended to be Rose from Titanic. Shyness wasn't the first impression I got.”

“Hey, at least we can say our ship sunk, am I right?”

He winked and I burst out laughing, my back falling to the bed again. “YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT.”

“Oh, I did.”

I tried to contain my laugh. Aliya would be proud of that pun. “I hate you.”

“I know.”

“Do you hate me back? I am trying to establish the deepness of our friendship here.”

“Of course I hate you. You are my best friend, after all.”

“Hmm, very well… Oh!” I did an awkward backflip on the bed to be on a sitting position again, a question popping into my head. “Have you brought anyone new into your room?”

He frowned. “What kind of question is that?”

I rolled my eyes with a grunt at his double meaning thinking, but then jokingly gestured at the bed to tease him. “Oh, you know what I mean.”

“Uh-huh, right.”

“Seriously though, I just mean your room in general. And don't pretend it's not a relevant question. Being comfortable enough to bring them into your room is very important.”

“Okay, maybe one or two.”

“Good, good. Let's see what else I can get out of you....you know who your last four will be?”

After that he admitted he wasn’t planning on a final four. Instead he would pick the last three and then choose ‘the One.’

“Really?” I was surprised he’d narrowed it down so easily after all. “Well, that's nice.”

He nodded, and then silence took over the room again as he placed his elbows on his knees to stare at the floor. “Aileen?”

“Mhmm?”

“I'm scared.”

He gave me a worried glance and I stood up from the bed to make my way to him. “That's ok... but you don't have to be. Things will work out.”

His jaw clenched. “Everyone keeps saying that, but...”

“But?” I asked, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“What if she says no?”

Giving him a sympathetic smile I pushed him off of the chair so I could sit on the floor with him. Always pushing limits. “Why would she say no?”

He groaned at my question. “I don't know. Maybe she's in love with a guard or something…Or maybe my cousin. Oh wait, someone already did that.”

I stuck my tongue out at him after his last statement. “Don't be bitter. We both knew we were just friends.” Then coming back to him and the remaining girls I added, “And I'm pretty sure if you pick someone it'll be because you know she loves you back… Also, I haven't heard rumors of anyone being secretly in love with guards, so there's that.” Not any of the remaining girls at least.

“Well, I am an awful judge in character. Makes sense since you're my best friend.”

I gasped, bringing a hand to my chest, playing the offended part. “You know, I can just leave right now. Then you can sulk by yourself. I bet it'll be fun.”

“I'll just find my other stash of vodka.”

I narrowed my eyes at him and started standing up. “Fine then. I'll leave.”

He reached for my wrist and made me sit down again. “I was kiddingggg.”

I grabbed the pillow that had remained on the floor after I threw it at him earlier and hit him with it again. “I feel like you call me your best friend all the time so I don't forget it's true.”

“No. It's for myself.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “What?”

He looked the other way. “It's so that I... never forget that I'm not alone.”

“Haiden…” I felt the air escape my lungs, his words leaving me speechless as tears blurred my vision. It was like something inside me broke—that piece that belonged to him.

“You're not.” I mumbled, wrapping my arms around him in a hug. He squeezed my shoulders, crying softly into my hair. I could only hug him tighter as I tried to keep my own tears at bay. He rarely showed such vulnerability, but when he did it hurt me too. “You're not alone, Haiden. You hear me? You're not alone.”

“I know I'm not and that's the scariest part.”

“What do you mean?”

“For once in my life I have people that don't have to care about me but do. I keep wondering what I've done to deserve it.”

I finished the hug to look at him. “Haiden, you're incredibly kind with a lot of people. You're funny in your own way, you try to help when you can, and—whether you think you show it or not—you care about people. Why would they not care back for you? Sometimes one can earn things without realizing it.”

“It just feels like the universe hates me, you know?”

Seems like we both think inanimate objects hate us. I wiped away the tears that had formed in my eyes before taking his head between my hands to make him look at me. “The universe isn't a being, therefore it can't hate you, got it? You say you feel like you haven't earned these things...and yes, sometimes it's like that...but in those cases all you can do is enjoy what you've been given and try to make yourself worthy of it all. Try your best. Sometimes I don't think I've done enough to be deemed such a good friend by you...yet here I am.”

He shook his head at my last words. “But you are.”

“Exactly,” I nudged him lightly “and so are you. We all have our quirks Haiden, that doesn't mean we don't deserve the care of others.”

“I don't know. Maybe I don't.” He mumbled, and I contemplated hitting him again.

“Why would I hang with you if you didn't?”

“Because you're stupid.” He stated for the second time that day, giving me a weak smile before I hit him with the pillow. “You wound me so.”

“They do say love hurts.” I said, attempting a joke.

“Mmhm, Cole would know.”

“Are you saying I'll make him suffer?”

“Most definitely.”

I clicked my tongue. “I will not.”  Just the thought of hurting him made me feel horrible.

Haiden was determined on his point though. “That's what love is, isn't it? Pain.”

I shook my head. “No, love is trust and hope. It's caring and protecting the people you hold dearest...but it's also something you have to fight for sometimes in the world we live in.”

“Everyone must be doing it wrong then.”

“Sadly humans don't get it right half the time…I like to do my best though. I won't stop trying just because others fail. People say it's painful because it's hard.” I thought of Sam and how hard it was to be with him sometimes. We were better now, but not quite there just yet. Sometimes it was painful because it was a hard to forget what had happened.

“Maybe it's painful because you love them in the first place.”

“It does require sacrifice sometimes.” I thought of how my mother decided to leave her caste to marry my father—at the time not knowing her family would accept the decision one day—then my thought drifted to Sam once more. No matter how mad I’d been at him when he’d left, I missed him constantly. “It might also be painful when you're not with them.”

“Is that how you know?”

“If you love them?” I looked up at the ceiling. “I don't know... I believe love can be a lot of things. Blissful, consuming, crazy, sometimes complicated when we make it complicated...but I don't think it should be painful.”

I tried to think of a more specific answer. “You know because you want to spend time with them. Not only because you have fun with them but because it feels right. Because you want to know everything about them. You want to be part of their everyday.” I wanted to be a part of Cole’s every day. “You want to be the reason behind that smile.” That curious tilt before his laugh came. “And it's a love you’re willing to fight for even when it gets rough—because it does get rough. No matter how much you love someone, nothing is ever perfect.”

“You say it like you know.”

A grin slowly appeared on my face. “I like to believe I do. And I don't say it only because of Cole… though there's nothing like his stupid grin...” I cleared my throat “but because of my family and friends too.”

He nodded, absently staring at the carpet, so I elbowed him lightly. “Haiden…”

“Aileen…”

“That includes you as well.”

“I know…it’s just weird.”

“What is weird? Love?”

“Love. Life. Everything.”

I nudged him again with a wary smile. “Well, it's a good thing you're not alone on it, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.” He mumbled, still not very cheery.

I stared at the carpet beneath us. “If you ever need anything you can call me...or get Cole.”

He nodded slowly. “I know.”

“And don't you dare give me the 'I didn't want to bother you' excuse. Ever.”

“But what if I don't?”

“No Haiden. I don't care. Whatever it is it can't be as bad as finding out you did something stupid because of it.”

“Chill, Aileen, I'm not suicidal or anything.”

His reply made me clench my jaw and I avoided his gaze as I looked the other way. “I'm not saying you are....I just...I talked with Cole.”

He stared at me for a moment before sighing and putting his head in his hands. “He told you.”

I sighed too, remembering Cole’s words. He would never trust me with anything else if I told people about this, don’t you get it? We’d agreed I wouldn’t bring it up with Haiden, but there was no going back now. The orange bottle with the word Xanax written over it came to mind. “He didn't mean to tell me, I just found them in his room by accident and he had to explain.”

“I-It's... not important.”

“Do you think he has a problem?” I’d asked Cole as I stared at the bottle.

He’d hesitated only for a second before saying, “There’s a possibility.”

“Haiden, come on...”

“Aileen, r-really, don't worry about it.”

“You promised you wouldn't lie to me anymore.” I stared right at him. “Look me in the eye and tell me I don't have to worry about this.” A lump formed in my throat. “I dare you.”

“What would you do to me if I did?”

“You mean, if you're lying?”

“Whichever.”

I wasn’t sure what I would do if he dared to lie. “I wouldn't risk lying if I were you.”

“Then I won't say anything.”

I pursed my lips, disappointment gnawing at me as I stood up. “If you can't admit there's a problem I can't help you.”

“You don't need to help me. I'm handling it.”

“Are you?”

“Yes.”

I crouched down in front of him. “Then look me in the eye and tell me I don't have to worry about this.”

He clenched his jaw. “I can't do that.”

“You're contradicting yourself.”

Frowning, he finally looked me in the eye. “I can't look you in the eye because I know you'll think I'm lying because I'm sweaty and clammy and my pupils are dilated, but that's only because I'm going through withdrawal and in reality I don't have a handle on it and I don't want to admit that to myself, let alone you. Is that a good enough explanation? Huh?”

“Yes.” I stood up again and headed to his desk to pour him some water. “That's good enough.”

When I handed him the glass he took it but only to drop it onto the floor. Now he was the only one acting like a child. I stared at the water and scooted away from its path. “Is that supposed to make me feel bad?”

He shrugged, staring the other way. I let out a “hmm” before pouring another glass, but instead of offering it to him like the first time, I let the water fall on his head. He only flinched as the water made contact with his hair, but didn’t move away. When the glass was empty he sighed, letting his gaze fall.

“I suppose I deserved that.”

I patted his head. “You needed to cool down one way or the other.”

He shrugged off his suit coat to wipe his face with it and I headed to the bathroom, grabbing one of his towels to throw on his face. “Accepting it is a good start, Haiden. I'm not trying to be pushy here, it's just necessary.”

“You were never supposed to know.” He mumbled and I smacked him lightly on the head.

“Well, too bad. And don't dare to blame this on Cole. He only told me because I threatened him.”

“Right.” He rolled his eyes and I scoffed.

“You don't believe me?”

“Whatever.”

“What do you mean whatever?”

“You probably should go.”

I frowned down at him. “Are you being serious?”

“I-I need to be alone. Before I say something I regret.”

I remembered when he’d said something he shouldn’t to Elaine. Apparently it had been bad enough to make her avoid him for weeks. “Haiden...”

“Aileen. Please.”

Closing my eyes I took a deep breath, accepting I should go. I might pretend to handle mean words well… but if they came from someone I cared about I was never unharmed. “Fine.” I made my way to the door, but turned around before opening it, unsure of what to say. I couldn’t just leave him like this.

He wiped the forming tears from his eyes and said, “Say hello to Cole for me,” yet I couldn’t tell if it was him being nice or him giving me some sort of jealous reproach. I just closed my mouth and looked at the ground.

“Sure...” I clenched my fists in anticipation. “I'll see you later...?”

“Yeah... maybe.”

I quickly turned my eyes to the door again, the use of the word ‘maybe’ hitting me harder than I would have liked. What have I done? “Right.” I didn’t leave in time. Opening the door I looked over my shoulder at him on last time, something inside my chest constricting. “Goodnight, Haiden.”

“Goodbye, Aileen” was all he mumbled back, and somehow the change of that simple word, made the pain in my chest worse.

I closed the door behind me and tears inexplicably appeared at the corner of my eyes. What have I done? Walking without thinking I headed to Cole’s room—half of me screaming I shouldn’t have brought the pills up and the other half telling me Haiden needed to acknowledge the problem himself—even if it made things hard for me, it was the right thing to do. Because that’s what friends do. They care for you even when things get rough.

||Cole||

I opened the door and found Aileen with glassy eyes. Instinctively, I reached for her face and asked what had happened—after all the stupid rebel attacks I even felt compelled to check if she wasn’t hurt. I could tell she’d been trying not to cry.

“I talked with Haiden…” she mumbled, her sight dropping to the ground. 

She always talked with Haiden, and usually she came back with a smile and some story to tell, so it took me a while to understand she’d talked with him. She’d brought up the pills I’d been keeping in my room for him.

“Was it really bad?” If he said something to her I swear…

“No. He asked me to leave before it got there…but still…two words…” her arms were around my torso before she could finish the sentence. “He’s mad at me. He’s never been mad at me.”

Her arm had grazed my wound. It wasn’t too bad anymore but after our encounter with that other rebel after Aunt Alize’s funeral I still had to hold in a grunt at the touch. For her. “He’ll come around.”

“But…”

“Hey, he’s stupid sometimes but he’s not an idiot.” Usually. “Just give it a few days.”

She nodded and I wiped the tears that had fallen from her eyes. Then I kissed her nose, and her cheeks, and her forehead, and her cheekbones, until she started giggling.

“Stop that.” She smiled warily as she tried to pull away, but I’d linked my hands behind her lower back.

“Why?” I kissed the spot between her eyebrows. “I have to do something to stop you’re crying.” I kissed her nose again and she finally let out a small laugh. Nose kisses were her weakness.

“You’re hopeless, you know?”

“Anything to get a smile on your face, Firework.”

A grin spread across her face after that.

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