#that's probably some of the worst advice i've ever gotten lmao

[messybouquetoflilies]

i'm in my feels this morning don't loooook

[sjweminem]

Is top surgery worth the lack of epic tits. Will I be real boy then

i promise that most people would tell you differently and they are the ones to whom you may want to listen more but. in MY experience???? god no. if i could go back i would never do it again- but i don't want you to get the wrong idea, you should probably get MORE of an idea re: why i feel what i feel and endured what i did. so. storytime about That Year (many of you already know which year 😭) but first i want to start on a light note because BOY do i know the epic tits struggle!! i was so proud..fuckin 5'8" with 32Ds that were so naturally perky even the surgeon commented on how that gave us options.....rest in peace god's greatest creation

AND!! before i begin! do keep in mind you do NOT have to get a wholeass mastectomy, i mean it's fat that hangs off your chest, no arbiter of maleness. you could totally go for a breast reduction down to the precise size/shape you want, then as for passing, depending on your clothes, binding would be easy as hell and for other clothes, not even necessary! i wish i had the foresight to do that

my surgery experience was traumatic (not the actual surgery, my doctor did an incredible job) but i was in for a slide leading, as months went by post op, into the year i. died forever (2015) as the person i was. simple. it began w being left with this tremendous, unfixable ribcage and sternum deformity that we always knew was there but my boobs were big and hid it- but getting that vest and bandages off was a horrible, horrible experience. facing what was underneath, what i had so been hoping would be a body that felt, perhaps, even more like my own, like all the experiences i'd heard and the big step it meant blah blah etc- i quit my AMAZING JOB for this! i thought i had an even bigger future!! but i fainted when i saw that deformity in plain sight, and one which turned out to be on THE most severe end of standard cases so i found little solace in looking up other images.......i was worse than all of them. and that future i had in reach and was kinda counting on eventually dropped me, too. zero life structure, just this frightening body to look at all day.

so naturally being on the schizophrenic spectrum i bodyslammed into a full blown, unrelenting dissociative/depersonalization state and effectively began cutting ties with my body (even going so far as to cut IT off lmao you can do some seeeeerious shit if you have analgesia!!! 😭 even still- like last month i tracked some major healing w photos and my left arm looked to be in fucking livor mortis.. another reason probably to not listen to how i answered your question). i stopped feeding the fuckin thing, thought i might lose enough weight to PHYSICALLY leave it??? overdosed on dilaudid that i shot up w one of my IM hormone needles & snorted ambien, sat on my floor day and night bloodletting into jars as much as i could get out of myself till approaching fainting, bc that jar of blood meant SOME part of me was able to escape! this is a VERY very condensed and censored little back-cover summary of what 2015 meant, and still does every minute of my life.

this is zero of what you asked for really, but i can't speak simply about the worst trauma i've ever endured (and i legit WATCHED my dad die), it is so heavy in me it rages in me physically i can't speak it quickly, and unfortunately it happens to begin with that simple operation, and i think you should know whom you're asking and what advice to perhaps take with a grain of salt..cuz if i PERSONALLY could do it all over again i never would have gotten that mastectomy, but that has sooooo much to do w my wildass unique factors!!

[ithilien-writes]

I know this is a stupid question, and I know the answer is probably just see a doctor, and I don't know the proper terminology, but how did you go about figuring out you have anxiety? I've been feeling a lot lately like I should probably try to talk a therapist or something but I can't afford it right now.

not a stupid question at all. sorry for the super late response!! (more under the cut to save people's dashes and in case anyone wants to avoid)

i have basically had anxiety my whole life, partially due to heredity i guess because my mom has it as well (and maybe my dad to a lesser extent). but then i think it got worse because of some trauma in my childhood, so :/

BUT i have always hated medication (like it's one of the things that causes me anxiety) so i always told myself i was handling it without. and you know, i think i sort of was for the most part, although looking back it's hard to say what things might have changed if i'd gotten help sooner?

so anyway, when i first moved out on my own after college, it was hard for me to be in a new city and trying to make friends and i had pretty good insurance through my job so i decided to try talk therapy .. and i hated my therapist. :/ it was like talking to a wall basically. everything i said was turned back to me and not in a way that felt helpful. i wanted advice, not a bland sounding board. so i stopped going when my insurance changed

then maybe 3 years ago or so? i was having lunch with a coworker and it was super fun - good food, good conversation, literally nothing stressful there (or waiting for me back at work either). but as we started driving back to work this feeling of sheer panic just started to come over me. before, i'd always been able to point to something and say 'this is making me anxious' but this time? there was nothing. i just was.

long story short, i ended up in the emergency room twice that week. to this day i have no idea what might have triggered it, but it was one of the worst weeks of my life. (plus you want to talk expensive.. do not EVER go to an emergency room in the US unless you are legitimately dying oh my god..) so after that, i talked to my regular doctor and she prescribed me some lo-dose xanax on the condition that i would also try talk therapy again. i see a therapist every 2-3 weeks depending on how i'm feeling and i like this one a lot better. she's very motherly lol and she gives good advice. it's hard for me to talk about some stuff still, but we're working on it. and to your point, it's no er visit but it definitely still is not cheap, which is why i don't see her every week. if you think it might help, you might start with just once a month and see? also sometimes i think there are programs that help with cost or offer for free, so if there's some kind of public assistance office in your city it might be worth a call to them to see if they know of anything like that

anyway, that's kind of how it went for me. so my basic advice would be that if you can get ahead of it before you end up in the hospital like this idiot, that's a wayyyy better plan lmao