#thats what im doing using music + constant noise in my ears

[spykesdykegf]

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

its just one of those nights i guess. i wanna go home. cant cause work but ugh. my brain cant shut off and exist since my left earbud completely went out. i hate that we have this alarm system for stowers that literally go off when our bins get full of packages-- and like IM able to keep up with my workload but everyone else around me isnt doing that shit. it sounds like a fast food kitchen istg. its just constant beeping and its so beyond unnerving. usually having music blasting in both ears, i could tune it out but unfortunately im down to one.

its alright though i guess. its just annoying and i WISH they would let us change the volume. i think its not the noise itself but the volume and pitch that bothers me. its really high and consistent. like some kid tapping on your shoulder every five seconds trying to show you something when your trying to perform brain surgery. bad analogy but whatever. its sorta like that. its physical tetris with packages.

i hate it here. hopefully, today will go by faster. i need it to.

i need the pain to go away in my lower back and a long nap and never to work this job again. thats what i need. also some toh fanfic perhaps. idk. in the constant cycle of "i need to sleep more -> but not wanting to go to bed earlier because ill lose time doing what i want and enjoy outside of work. its a WHOLE thing i guess

[dailytatsu]

Hello! I saw request were open so i was wondering if i could request some headcanons of the Archons and/or the Adepti meeting a God reader who is the God of Chaos and destruction. The reader is not a Archon tho and travels all over Teyvat cuz small bits of destruction were ever they go. They're pretty mischievous and somewhat smug but despite how they act they're actually a good person. They dont mean to cause problems(most of the time anyways) chaos follows them were ever they go. Idk if you have a character limit but if you do please tell me so i wont make a mistake again. And if there is you can just do Zhongli and Xiao. Optionally could you make them a dendro user, there not a lot of dendro content and if not thats fine. I understand. Could you make the reader Gn or Non-binary they/them pronouns please? If not male reader is totally fine. Im so sorry for the long post and I hope you have a good day/night!

Ohmy, it’s my first time just writing headcanons! I’m use to write a lot, so let’s hope I did it right (^ ^' )7

Thanks for the request! ✨

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[HC] God of Chaos! Reader and the Archons + Xiao

Characters: Zhongli, Xiao, Venti, Shogun Raiden (Ei).

Gn! Reader

I tried doing it with everyone but I’m no still that confident to try writing with some characters ＿|￣|○

Sorry for any mistakes!

Request are open!

Genshin Masterlist

Second part ->

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VENTI

To be honest, he didn't notice your presence at first. He had other concerns on his mind that day to perceive the chaotic (and slightly threatening) aura that Mondstadt was infected with that day.

Barbatos is a person of habit, so he couldn't help but be curious when the crowd in front of him began to look a little agitated instead of seeming to enjoy his lyre and his songs.

But then a series of domino events appeared in front of his very eyes.

The purity of the chaos was such that he felt overwhelmed, even without the white-haired boy around, if it wasn’t Bennett fault, then how was it possible for everything to be ruined in such a short time?

His patience ended when, out of nowhere, the strings of his lyre jumped close to his face as they snapped. Making that awful noise that couldn’t mean nothing good.

Okay, enough, who is messing around in here? No more joking in his nation!

He concentrated a little, a faint but unique presence kept his nerves on edge, as if he was being watched from afar. He moved away from the busy areas and then chased that ephemeral energy to the highest point of the church, where the bells were ringing in an irregular and stressful way.

Then he found you. Snoozing against one of the columns, somewhat tired because the trip you made to reach Mondstadt.

Surprisingly, Barbatos understood you since the first exchange of words. A god of chaos who was also a free spirit, you followed no rules ever written in Teyvat, and you had no plans to apologize for the mess you made.

Both of you were Zhongli’s worst nightmare, but that’s another story.

He managed to through your arrogance and your teasing nature that you, in fact, were a lonely spirit that liked to witness the life from above of everyone.

The difference between teasing someone accidentally and committing a crime was really visible, but he still couldn't help but feel like he should scold you after your mere presence messed up with the guild's baskets full of fish.

But hey! He also enjoy the company! Venti tried to teach you how to enjoy the calm and the whisper of wind, music can also contain chaos, feelings, old stories waiting to be told again, expressions and desire united, in a wonderful piece of-

As you yawned his lyre broke up again. Making clear the message.

Okay, not even God of Freedom and Wind can control chaos. Anyways, what a tragedy, but there’s nothing a simple bard can do, smh.

“Do you like kids, don’t you?” He said once, after a nice day of hearing him sing before your chaos reached his little concert. Again watching everyone from above on the hands of the statue, with your attention caught by some kids playing tag.

“… I don’t know what do you mean.” Once discovered you had no choice but to remain defensive, pretending to be disinterested.

“Heh, you aren’t a good liar.” It may not be the wisest thing to make fun of someone who could destroy the place where you were resting, but Venti was confident that he knew you well enough to know that you were not so explosive. “You know!, I just have some pieces, but I think it’s because they are little walking concentrations of pure and innocent chaos, am I wrong?”

He wasn’t, no at all. But you would never confess something that embarrassing.

This guy wrote a ballad about the days when Mondstadt got immerse with that strike of bad luck. Kind of an apology of not being able to handle the situation.

Now there’s the rumor that says that, every time somebody sings that song, something unlucky will happen in front of you.

The song is cursed.

One night when the moon was shining on the Cider Lake his well tuned ears distinguished a melody that was broken from time to time by the accidents of his performer, distracting him of his way to look for you.

It could be painful to listen to, but Venti could certainly feel the dedication of the one who was playing the imperfect song.

The ballad of the god of chaos, hummed like a lullaby that instead of making you sleep makes you question the events of the day. Wishing for the slightest thing to be different after an exhaustive week of peace and tranquility.

A lonely spirits cursing their existence, sitting in the highest point of a stranger’s palace, where you can reach the sky by only rising your hand.

The next day, Barbatos invited you to drink some wine, this time near Windrise to avoid accidents in the city.

As he almost dropped the bottle when a lot of slimes were attracted by your presence, he confirmed the theory about that the way to spend time with you would not be his personal definition of hanging out.

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ZHONGLI

Okay, there’s only two scenarios that could happened when you set a foot in Liyue.

Old man has a soft spot for you for being a relative young deity.

Or he’s always lecturing you for not having control of your aura and powers.

How u dare bringing chaos to the nation of order? It’s that a death wish?

Jokes aside, you’re not really a threat. And he could sense that after he saw how you tried to avoid having direct contact with the city. Rex Lapis found your silhouette jumping and crossing through the mountains until reaching the fairest point that allowed you to enjoy the view of the streets that were filled with life and light as the sunsets.

He even noticed how you sighed in frustration when a storm started out of nowhere. A rain dedicated just for the arriving of the God of Chaos. Not even bothering of getting shield, you stayed in your place to look at all the people who were getting back to their places.

The rain seemed to stop over your head, for a second was enough to stop you from being cruelly swamped by the very weather you had created. An elegant umbrella covered you, the long awaited surprise you expected from someone as outdated as Morax.

You looked up, and found his expression calm and attentive, watching you. As if he had made a great discovery that he could not believe

“May I have a moment of your time to keep you company? Letting out your sorrows in the middle of a torrential storm is not what I would recommend as way to spend a good day.”

“… What are you talking about? Get in your own business, old man.”

“Well, you should know that a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.”

Next time you knew was that he was helping you to dry your hair with a towel once you let him guide you to his place.

Zhongli picked you up like a abandoned cat that day. Even if having you near meant to deal with new the roof leaks.

Also kept you away from Hu Tao, if you two ever get along for being partners in crime he would seal himself underground-

For all the time you spend exploring Liyue, there he was. Like a little kid showing his treasures. But also like a worried father looking after his child for them not to stumble making their first steps.

Look at you! Almost crushing those Treasure Hoarders when a bunch of rocks fell down after you jumped at the edge of the cliff.

Wait, no- come back here! You should verify the surroundings and be aware of the weight of your power if you’re going to explore in that bold way. You, chaotic brat.

Another one who believed fervently that your mood was to blame for the constant chaos you caused. He also tried to show you the wonders of peace and calm, teaching you how to prepare tea while listening to the storyteller (also both being a little far away from the rest of them, just in case).

He couldn’t help but sigh when the teapot arm broke as soon as you tried to serve the tea. What a waste, he thought.

You apologized to him, kind of stressed with yourself after you took all the pieces with your bare hands to run away with them. Leaving a confused Zhongli behind.

Next day you were back, with the teapot repaired and just like new.

He let out a lot of thankful words, some flattering and a lot more cheesy things that you never had received before.

With that unexpected affection you couldn’t help but react flustered; then a cat that was chasing a bird jumped through a lot of decorations and merchandise, almost starting a fire as the chained events kept going.

Yeah,, uh, Zhongli got some useful mental notes about you and your chaos that day.

Hey, before you go, want to make a contract? You won’t regret it!

But as the wandering spirit you were you had no problems in reject his offer, but also promising that you would visit Liyue if he wanted you to.

Of course he wanted! But.. maybe next time you should stay in Huaguang Stone Forest instead of roaming near the city,,

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XIAO

Tried to kill you.

I mean, your aura is threatening and full of a destructive energy, how is possible that you weren’t a demon to eradicate??

Sorry, but he had a point.

Your first met was on your way to reach Huaguang Stone Forest along with Zhongli for introduce you with the Adeptus.

Xiao, in the other side, thought that you were about to attack Morax from behind, so he just struck against you. With his polearm near to go through your chest, just stopped because you felt him before.

Lifting your hand at his direction, summoning chaos, this time, on purpose. The wind gained a wrathful nature and the biggest roots that were hiding under his feet rose to caught him.

And when you were about to hit each other Zhongli’s shield appeared just in time to separate both of you. Preventing a real catastrophic event.

Now stop fighting and introduce to each other.

Nice(n’t) to meet u.

What if you tried to awake Azhdaha to bring chaos and destruction to Liyue? What if you wanted to summoned Osial? What if… ?

Zhongli had to confirm and promise to him that those cruel possibilities won’t be a near future for respecting the real reason of your travel.

No matter if he wasn’t comfortable with your presence, it wasn’t his decision to allow you to roam freely, so he had to get use to it.

He immediately knew after hearing about your nature that was your fault that lately there were a lot more demons and monsters. Even his karma was getting more painful than usual.

(If you ever meet Hu Tao, please think twice before doing Xiao a prank)

You both didn’t interact a lot, and being honest, it was better that way.

He hadn’t a single intention of talking with you again until the day you were practicing the song that your Anemo friend taught you. By the other hand, Xiao noticed that the melody had the same nature as the one he once heard before being consumed by the karma.

It wasn’t a flute, but a worn lyre that was still in one piece after weeks of being repaired again and again.

“That song… ”

“Do you know it?” Xiao just nodded, staying in silence, being your very first audience even if you still have a lot to learn about playing a lyre.

It wasn’t as effective as the original, but was still… nice, kind of nostalgic.

Next morning, the Yaksha called for you. Made you stay still in the middle of a plain and then he disappeared of your sight.

He abandoned y- wait, what’s that? Why those monsters has that weird dark aura?

You were about to defend yourself until Xiao appeared back just in time to defeat them.

That day you became his personal bait for demons and monsters. Naturally you attracted chaos, so anyway you were, there will be also something to fight.

I guess this is your way to pay for all the troubles you made for him and his duty, so no complaining about it.

If you ask for a unexpected experience to Ganyu she would said that once she found both of you fighting along against the catastrophe, looking after each other’s back and almost having a perfect synchrony.

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SHOGUN RAIDEN; EI

Also tried to kill you.

Well, the puppet tried to.

And then Ei tried when you had the opportunity of facing her.

But since killing a god just mean the releasing of a lot, pure, energy she couldn’t afford that risk, much less considering your “speciality”.

Who knows what would happen to Inazuma if your vital energy burst across the nation. Just like that old story about Sal Terrae and their goddess.

She just defeated you. Letting you rest and recovering in the midst of the plane of her reality within her mind. Your inert body in the middle of the battlefield as she kept meditating.

When you woke up she ignored your presence, but also denying your complaints about letting you go out back.

In her words, you were a burden, another enemy of eternity. Something as unpredictable as you and your “accidents” couldn’t get along with her utopia.

Ei could banish you from Inazuma, but she knows your type. Stubborn and not accepting the most simple orders to obey.

She knew that you would found a way to be back.

It’s better like this.

And in the hypothetical case of you being freed when she trapped the traveler (kicking you out) and then having a chance to see her again after the end of the war, then things would be somewhat different.

There’s not that much of civilization on some islands, so she allowed you to explore as much as your heart wanted. But if something serious happen, she promised that would end her work in the middle of the sea so your remains never be found.

Okay, message clear. Just do chaos near monsters and bandits, got it,,

Even if she wanted to spend some time with you and telling you some stories about Inazuma and other gods she couldn’t found the right time to call you at her presence.

As the current ruler of Inazuma she was busier than the rest of Archons you have meet. Maybe just some letters now and then like a way to keep a logbook, but not really a face to face talk.

Until she got the opportunity of a day off, just to found you messing around near some ruins. Trying to solve a puzzle before your speciality strikes in. The structure fell down after your fingertips reached the stone.

When the dust dissipated, you discovered her figure judging you from the other side of the remain ruins.

Give her a good reason for not errase you from the map, I dare u.

You felt the worst was about to come when Ei ordered you to follow her after a long sigh. Crossing her arms and starting to walk away from the bunch of old and worn rock.

Plot Twist, she actually invited you to rest under a tree, asking in her serene voice the reason for your journey and your origin. In such a direct way that it seemed more like a sentence than a talk to get to know each other better.

You answered what you could remember and then the silence stayed like the only way of interaction between you two.

Ohno, you know this pattern. Something’s about to happen-

“There is some strange beauty in the chaos, it may be the calm after the storm, but the catastrophe itself is seen as a necessary evil to appreciate the stillness. How much it would last until the lighting hit the valley?”

“So I arrived to keep order between the humans?”

Well yes, but actually no.

“… You see, if there is nothing but order and a lack of problems, mortals are likely to create them on their own. Their minds feels the need to be tested, to prove their worth, so I guess some of your chaos may be part of the history.”

“… then shall we take a walk in Inazuma?” You did not know if you were right, but you thought you saw a faint smile through his lips in the same way that lightning can be seen in the sky.

“I’ll allow it.” She said.

Her only condition was for you not to approach the huge boxes of fireworks down the street.

[smutty-ki113r]

Hiya! I saw your blog and was interested in asking for a romantic matchup! You can involve nsfw if you would like.

My name is Ronan, my nickname is Ro, my most used pronouns are she/her/he/him. My sexuality is demi-sexual meaning I don’t get sexual attractions to people unless I have formed a strong emotional connection with said person. My zodiac is Scorpio (that’s pretty much all I know about that lmao) also my personality is ISTP-T

Starting with my mental trash I have a VERY low self esteem. I never liked the way I look and probably never will. I suffer from chronic depression that’s pretty much taken over my life. I have a very hard time with social cues and can come off as an asshole most of the time and I’m extremely blunt. People tend to think I’m cute since I’m fairly small; I’m a 5’3 Nordic female with thicker thighs. I am absolutely OBSESSED with The Legend of Zelda franchise, it’s been apart of my life for as long as I can remember. I’m pretty musical; I play bass, drums, and sing. I also voice act so that’s really fun. Not gonna lie I say I have a huge ego but really I just hate everyone. Having depression I mostly lock myself in my room and work on my art.

How I look: I have black/brown hair in a boy cut. I have big round hazel eyes, my face is round with slightly chubby cheeks and freckles. I want to get my lip pierced but sadly have not gotten to that yet.. My fashion sense is kinda everywhere but I typically go for the cottage core aesthetic. I love muted nature ish colors, I think they look so pretty. I love to go on long walks and sit alone at my local park. I find being alone outside very calming. When I’m not outside or in my room I’m mostly playing video games with my friends and kicking their ass. Believe it or not I used to do boxing but now I just lift weights and workout some. I have a long history of physical illnesses that really render my body kinda useless so I always try to strengthen myself up however I can. I spent most of my childhood in the hospital due to these illnesses. I have been homeschooled my whole school years but I taught myself German, Japanese, and computer science. I actually have a job around it. I’m terrible at explaining my feelings and asking for help so telling people I love them is a huge chore for me. A lot of the time you can find me alone singing to myself with my eyes closed daydreaming.

I love to read. My friends say I’m really boring but whatever. OH I’ve always wanted to be a DJ. I know its a really weird dream but it just looks so cool. Nobody ever expects the sick quiet girl to want to be a DJ. Speaking of shy I’m a huge introvert if you couldn’t figure that out already. I’m extremely shy, don’t talk to me I’ll run away or you’ll be enveloped in my Zelda talk. I have amazingly crazy music taste (according to my mom) I listen to mostly heavy metal and Corpse Husband.

NSFW: Huge HUGE brat. You want me to do something? Yeah fuck you. I’m a huge sub you can pretty much do anything to me. I have a big daddy kink like please let me call you daddy UGH. Also praise but degrade me at the same time? Please thanks. I’m also a pillow princess. Um um ddlg yes thanks.

I match you with…..💖BEN_DROWNED💖

NSFW bellow~

OK OK I KNOW I KNOW, DON’T @ me for picking Benny boy for you Ro. I just think it’s the right fit. Let me start off with the whole depression thing, BEN relates to locking himself in his room and hyperfixating on something. At least you’ll have a gaming buddy to get you through it. Plus, he’s a very competitive guy. Get him to not cheat and you will have fun for hours. Not to mention you sound a bit like Jeff in the way that you can come off as rude. BEN and Jeff are pretty good friends, so you’ll make a wonderful partner for BEN.

Voice acting? BEN will love that, he’ll try to get you to do different characters from his video games or even anime characters. He loves your chubby cheeks, likes to squish them and make them puckered and then give you kisses. It’s quite adorable. Zelda talk? Yeah you don’t need to worry about him running off about that.

BEN will be obsessed with the cottage core, probably likes those little white flowy dresses. Maybe one day wear those elf ears and surprise him, I think he’d think it’s cute. You should definetly do his makeup, put that holographic glitter on his cheeks and some hair clips in his hair- maybe a skirt if he feels up to it.

BEN is very understanding about your illnesses, in fact he would be super impressed that you even lift weights. And is so so supportive about you wanting to be a DJ. He gets excited and calls over Jeff to show him. He’s not very shy about saying I love you, maybe the first time but after it’s constant affection.

For the smut! He can get rough sometimes, loves the daddy kink. He’s the type to soak all that up like a sponge. Praises you for taking his cock so well but will call you pathetic for making those noises. Probably wants you to wrap your thighs around his head and suck your clit for hours, he likes to feel you cum.

Ok Ok I hope you enjoyed that! I love how you have a big ego and then- low self esteem, sounds like me. I literally hate myself so much and then… holy shit I’m the hottest person alive. I know what depression is like, those thoughts just wrap around your throat and choke the life out of you, and it’s not even fast. It’s every day just heavier and heavier, dragging you down and making you feel horrible. I mostly lock myself in my room too, but writing helps me through it. I love love love your hair, boy cuts are so cool. And get that lip piercing! IT WOULD LOOK AWESOME. I love that you’re talented in music, I wish I was musically inclined. Scorpios are so cool, like I said, my best friend is one and so I LOVE YOU GUYS.

I am so incredibly proud of you, homeschool and then the illness stuff must be so hard but you are so strong for going through it. You don’t deserve it but sometimes life works that way. It’s ok to be shy and introverted. For the record, I think you would make an awesome DJ. DO it, I believe in you, so should you. I mean we all have our passions, work hard enough and I promise you’ll get there. I used to write a lot about my feelings and nobody ever read it, but I continued and look where I am now! Im so proud of myself for having this account, and you for being ALIVE. Thats all you need to do, you don’t need to be cool, or popular or skinny to be an amazing person.

Ro, I swear you are an awesome person. I can clearly see it, and I promise one day you’ll look in the mirror and think the same. If your friends say you’re boring they aren’t your friends. They sort of suck because reading is so cool. Without readers I couldn’t be a writer now could I? I believe in you. I know you can do it. Lifting weights is so badass I couldn’t even- I can barely do 5 pound weights man. Ya know I believe that the people who go through the most pain and sadness are the ones who will be the happiest in the end. The universe has to give us back what we lost, there is balance in everything and pain is only temporary. Everything is temporary. So I promise it’ll be ok man, and hey, you’re valid. I see you ro, and I know that you’ll make great places someday.

[overwatch-shiz]

Hey yall, im just wondering

Do you guys know what tinnitus is?

Cuz I've been thinking about this one lucio comic i use as a meme for my friends and the first time I saw it I was like "does this artist think tinnitus is tetanus?"

And so, I decided to make a post about the difference.

Tetanus is when you get a bacterial infection from a cut or stab wound from some rusty object. It's legit caused by bacteria and results in stuff like lock jaw and other muscle tensing spasms. It's pretty deadly if it reaches your head. Most people get tetanus from stepping on rusty nails, which is why we get tetanus shots. Especially if ur walking on the beach at night with no shoes. Be careful.

Now, tinnitus on the otherhand.

Tinnitus is what I have for listening to music too loud in my dad's bass boosted 4runner monster truck. And I mean bass BOOSTED. He had 4 big subwoofer amps that took up the entirety of the truck bed, 2 mid bass amps that were behind the seats, and all the actual car speakers were replaced by bassy bassy bass handling speakers. (he also put these massive monster truck wheels on it so i had to step on the wheel to get into the truck, but thats beside the point) Now imagine that, my dad is half deaf, I'm 6, sitting in the truck, hes blasting his old gangsta west coast rap and funk. I legit had to put my fingers in my ears to clear out all the treble he needed to hear his music. (still do lol) That's how my life was from like 5-13 years old. So, as much as I love bass, I got tinnitus cuz I blew out some hearing thing in my ear. Thus I hear high pitched ringing or constant background static whenever things get quiet. I like it, it's my meditation, but my best friend (who also has tinnitus) cannot STAND IT. Whenever we're sleeping in a room together, they needa put on the tv or something because the high pitched whining is so intense that they can't sleep, they can't think. It's so bad that they go into rage mode sometimes.

So Lucio's "That's how you get tinnitus!" voiceline is about how he legit uses sound as a weapon. Think of his boop, his gun. HE LEGIT USES CONCENTRATED SOUNDWAVES TO ELIMINATE A PERSON.

So when you use his voiceline, be sure to know that the way you get tinnitus is from listening to really really loud shiz. You know that ringing noise that they put when a grenade explodes and you're seeing things from the perspective of the person that was near the explosion?

That's how you get tinnitus~

[the-little-red-noodle]

3/29/17 7:42 pm

Sunday night, the 26th, i had the most traumatic experience of my life. As far as i know, ryan and i ate edibles, and I hallucinated and freaked out. Now im not sure where i am. We were going to the panic at the disco concert in san diego. We decided it would be fun to try edibles beforehand so we could have fun and be dancey during the show. We got hooked up with one of his friends and went to our hotel near the stadium. It was around 7:00 when we started eating from a 250 milligram edible cookie. Korova i think? We finished the entire thing but i think i had more. At least 150 mgs to myself. It wasnt hitting yet until we ubered to the arena. We were standing in line when i started to feel it. I was feeling giggly and started having trouble walking. I was mildly nervous that we wouldnt get in the stadium. We kept walking. I was laughing a lot and hanging on ryan. We got into the arena after trouble with the stairs. They checked our tickets. We were walking left towards section R. Then i remember walking down the stairs towards the 5th row. I remember feeling excited and kept saying "baby look how close we are!" Eventually we got to our seats and sat down. We were so close and saint motel was starting to play. Then everything started to go wrong. I was noticing that the high was too much. I remember leaning over to ryan and saying "this was such a mistake" and "im so sorry" and "are you okay". The bass from the music throbbed through my body in a really uncomfortable way. But i wasnt scared of hallucinating, just that i was too high and wanted to throw up and get water. At one point i remember the woman next to me ask "who is playing?" And i said saint motel and she said "no, whos playing now?" And i kinda stared at her for a bit and said i dont know. I was becoming dizzy as the high was nearing the peak. The room blurred together and i tried to stay calm. I remember being able to clap when songs were done and wave my arms with the crowd. A couple times i whispered to ryan that the lead singer of saint motel looked like an Australian from the crocodile hunter. The noise was very loud and at one point i managed to get into my purse and put one ear plug in my left ear, which was closer to the amp. I sat plainly while my whole world started changing. The thing that triggered my bad trip was the singer from saint motel saying something like whos ready for panic at the disco? I froze and asked ryan did they say misterwives? He said no i dont think so. Then i started getting panicked that misterwives wouldnt be playing because i was excited to see them again with ryan. I started frantically trying to figure out if they were here or not, and checked the tickets with no luck. This made me feel terrified that the show we were attending wouldnt have the band he wanted to see. Then i remember looking around the stadium and feeling confused. I started to forget things like where we were, why we were there, who we were, and the people around us. I became terrified and uncomfortable. I remember my vision changing and the whole world becoming more geometric. The singer from saint motels face became a plain triangle as he moved around (kinda looked like phineus and pherb.) and then i started to forget ryan. His face became a plain oval with his features, i think his freckles disappeared. I was dizzy searching the room for something familiar and coming up empty handed, began to scream. I have this awful memory that keeps coming back of my looking at ryan and around the room and just screaming. This hard terrified scream like nothing id ever produced or heard before. during this, what id consider a panic attack, i felt my memories dissipating. I forgot who i was; my name, face, personality, anything. The image of myself also changed in this hallucination to be more geometric and didnt resemble a person. I questioned reality, and what i was, or how i was cognizant. I questioned who ryan was and where i was and what was happening to me. I remember staring at him for what felt like hours trying to remember him and what was happening. I remember saying "youre ryan, right?" And he said yes and that he loved me and was trying to calm me down but i was shaking my head and then i fell into a screaming fit again and pushed him away but also cowered in his lap. I just feel haunted by the sound of me screaming out of such terror, and that i forgot everything that made up my reality. I have a couple memories of asking ryan who i was and what i looked like and as he described me (red hair, green eyes etc) i tried building my face in my head. I looked at several things around the room that were becoming constant again, like the writing on the saint motel poster and the flowers on my pants and ryans face. I dont remember much about coming out of hysteria except when saint motel ended. I remember the house lights being on in the arena and groups of people moving. I watched the group next to us like the boy in the green sweater and the women with leather pants and blonde hair. I was actively trying to ground myself in this reality even though i wasnt sure it was real. Part of me felt and still kind of feels that the trip was like traveling through dimensions and i just stopped here for some reason and had to make the most of it to survive because the screaming fit was more painful than just being uncomfortable in my skin. At some point i turned to ryan and said we need to get water. Then he was walking up the steps and out of my view. I looked around me at the faces of people seated near me and tried to figure out if all this was in my head or if i really did scream like that. Eventually he got back with water and i drank and ate some of a power bar from my purse. I wasnt getting better, but i had some know-how that eating and drinking would help. We did this for a while and then i said we need to go to the hospital and he said ok and walked away again, this time lower to a guy in red and then off to the right, away from the stage. I watched him go and got confused but was restraining myself from freaking out again. I thought i might as well see how this goes for now because my only other option was falling through the dimensions and screaming again. Eventually he came back and said we had to uber (i later found out that he went to a paramedic and they just told him to uber) so he said we had to go outside. He was sitting next to me holding my bag and i stared at my pants for a long time and felt like i was pulling the universe closer to me, like pulling in reality, sucking it up so i could walk. I gathered myself enough to stand and say excuse me as i passed the people next to us. I remember gripping the railing but not really climbing stairs. And then next thing i remember is being on my hands and knees on the sidewalk outside the arena throwing up. I held my hair and so did ryan and then he was throwing up too. A girl asked if we were okay and some guy gave us a water bottle. I dont remember getting up but i remember walking through grass to a street where an uber picked us up and took us to the hotel. The next thing i remember is throwing up in the hotel bathroom. We took a shower and layed on the bed. I watched ryan sleep because he twitched a couple times and it scared me. I dont remember much else but driving home and then being in my room. I had another panic attack yesterday (28th) when i woke up from a xanex nap and then was crying and started screaming and i told ryan to get my mom who sat me on the floor and comforted me. I feel really disconnected from reality. Since the experience i feel like i know logically what happened (ate edible, bad trip, hallucinations, and now just being shaken up) but theres also this voice telling me that none of this is real and that i dont feel 100% comfortable or familiar with anything. Sometimes i have moments of clarity like the first night back at home (27th) when my mom, richard, and shane were in the room with ryan and i and everyone was talking and laughing and i felt calmer. I had a xanex before bed each night and an extra one yesterday after i had the panic attack I just feel really disconnected. I feel like i dont know what reality is or who i am or any of these people or anything and its terrifying. Im scared that i wont get back to normal and that i just have to adjust. I feel like i ruined my life with this one mistake. I dont know what to do but the panic makes me scared for myself. Scared i could hurt myself or even kill myself. I feel like i just want all this to stop so thats where my mind goes. Feeling panicked and anxious and afraid and dissociative and unfamiliar. Feels like the definition of psychosis minus the more schizophrenic stuff (no voices, no fbi stuff). Scared i will never be the same again