#thats why we've been “crying alot”

[snowy-bones]

No quiero meterme donde no me llaman o si es algo personal y lo siento si sueno grosero pero ¿Alguna vez has tenido un día tranquilo sin el drama? Por qué en los 3 meses que llevó aquí casi siempre hay llanto ya sea por que a han jodido los haters toca huevos a ti o a los Alter por eso ¿Has tenido algún día de paz?

PD:espero que sea lo que sea que toque los huevos (evento o persona) te deje tranquilo a ti y los Alters

Bueno, como he dicho antes, tiendo a ponerme más sensible durante las vacaciones. Y a medida que se acercan mis emociones son mucho más tiernas. Y las cosas que normalmente no me molestan mucho golpean con más fuerza. Soy una persona suave por naturaleza ya menudo lloro mucho. Tengo un trauma y no puedo evitar que suceda a menudo, especialmente en esta época del año. Lo siento si el drama es demasiado, la gente grosera suele pasar, no los controlamos. No controlamos cómo nos afectan las cosas. Lo sentimos si es demasiado…. ENG: Well, like I said before, I tend to get more sensitive during the holidays. And as they get closer my emotions are much more tender. And the things that normally don't bother me much hit the hardest. I am a soft person by nature and often cry a lot. I have trauma and I can't stop it from happening often, especially this time of year. Sorry if the drama is too much, rude people often come by, we don't control them. We do not control how things affect us. Sorry if it's too much....

[coi-arts]

hey guys, can i say something? didn't he do this sermon eight years ago? tell me about it i can do this one in my sleep. stinkin dead end job. hello sweetheart. hi honey. i am so sick of your complaining why dont you quit your job and quit being such a cry baby. oh thanks for the sympathy you have never been on my side! why would i be on thr side of a self destructive alcoholic? have a good day at work dear. have a good day yourself. well that was a mortifying sermon today. oh cmon can't we have just one good night? oh please when do you ever remember? look just get over it! how can i get over it?? you are disgusting i want a divorce. fine! claaayyy im setting your couch alarm so you're not late again for work tomorrow! fiiiiiinneee!! how do i look? like you always do. and how was your day dear? pretty good day! and you look beautiful honey! why thank you! now are you going to the reception ? okay! isn't drinking a sin? jesus drank. it helps us to be better people. you have really helped me get out of my shell. helped! i helped you. do you.. want to dance? marriage not for me! you could marry me. well that is alot of help, its just that we've only known- wait! oh.. you're so cold. thats nice. you need me around. to help. help?.. bloberta yes clay you help help hold my head up so it doesn't fall and hurt. is that a proposal? its definitely what i propose. well, why not? oh he doesn't change orel thats just his true nature coming out - I AM DROWNING

[theatrekidstatus]

Gender bent Eliza Schuyler

Elija pov:Alexandria broke up with me for cheating i was uptown and i was crying on a bench and a girl came up to me "are you ok" "no my girlfriend broke up with me "im sorry why would she break up with i handsom guy like you?" "because i was tired" "thats stupid" "dont tell her that unless you want to get punched" "well let  me take you on a pick me up date" "id like that" "lets go" we head to a coffee shop after a while we start dating and i noticed that she hung out with friends alot "ok bea im heading out" "i thought we were in for the night" "we've been together all week we can hang tomorrow" "what ever you never want to hang" i mumble "give me a hug" -5 minutes- "babe hugs are supposed to end" she threw her self off me and left me time to get revenge. I sneak to the club she going and i got to a booth next to her "so tell us about that guy you dating "Elijah i love him he scares me sometimes like before i left out he hugged me tightly for 5 minutes i couldnt breath i had to pull him off and if we hang out ALL week and i call ANYONE even my own MOM  without 'you care about everyone but me' and when we were seeing eachother he was trying to find my house if i talk to even to a waiter or something he holds me so they know we're dating i have to tell him that i love him EVERYDAY when we didnt live together he would break into my house and kiss and watch me sleep look hes texting me right now 'dont talk about me'" "better stop before he pulls up" they all laugh i go to the little shit talkers cars and fuck up they're car when y/n came home i slip her a pill she passes out i take her somewhere where we can live happily in our days after i file the missing report

I stole the tendices from @froggywritesstuff

[seductive-snail]

I feel the need to say this based on some reblogs i've been getting on my poll

One thing i've seen alot is that people are unhappy with how marauders fans have "changed the characters"

And if you genuinely don't know what fandom and fanfic and fanart means then i really urge you to look it up. While you're at it look up the meaning of headcanon.

The purpose of the poll was to see how marauders fans consider themselves in relation to the source material (assuming they have read or watched it, which they dont have to have!!)

When people get mad about the characterisations because "IT'S NOT CANON!!" it reall hits me as pointless whining, because why waste your breathe hating something or someone when you could find stuff you like.

And honestly if you can't find it because "THE OOC ONE IS EVERYWHERE", boohoo man. Can't help when somethings popular okay? Or maybee..just mayyybee, you could fix your algorithm. just a thought.

I won't say my personal opinion on the individual vs subset thing for datas sake but i will say this in regards to the rbs im getting.

tw for opinions (scary ikr) /sar

Now one of the main differences at least I noticed in the fan culture of HP and Marauders is the queer and POC representation

As a queer POC myself i found more representation in the marauders fandom than I found in the main fandom

A lot of times when people talk about "what we've done to the characters" they are directly or indirectly talking about the queer representation and the POC characterisation characters are given.

People will whine about Sirius being queer, about Regulus being trans (if they are not whining about Regulus being included at all becuz dont get me started on that) or James skin "being too dark becuz Harry was white in the books grrr!!!"

I'm sorry (im not) but when ever I see shit like that I imagine an angry white millenial with JKR portrait on their wall and a Universal Studios wand in their hand crying because "THIS GENERATION RUINS EVERYTHING."

shut up <3

If you're gonna hate the marauders fandom becuz ur a rascist and/or transphobe/homophobe just say it :/

and if you hate it because they are not portraying the character how i like then shut up and fix ur algorithm

'tis the age of technology my friends, one must not see what they'd rather not.

anyways thats just my thoughts :)

[pwblogarchive]

November 2005

November 1, 2005

halloween in orange county was amazing. we had some tricks up our sleeve, so did you. thank you for making it into a fun night for us. if you’re serious too much it means you believe your own hype. if you joke too much it means you don’t take anything seriously. if you’re too quiet it means that you are arrogant. if you talk too much it means you crave attention. if you aren’t smiling it means you’re not happy.

sarcasm doesn’t read well over the internet. but trust me, if you don’t get it. then we’re/they’re probably making fun of you.

new things are coming to light. i am happy. if you are coming to the sacremento show you may have heard that motion city has had to cancel. but we have found a band to take their place for that show. come early because they play first- one of our favorite new bands.

dont give up on us just yet. its about to get good. i swear.

young hearts be free tonight.

November 11, 2005

"A beautiful girl can make you feel dizzy, like you've been drinking jack and coke all morning...." Nothing has felt truer. My mind is swirling. Even with the tour coming to an end. The black around your eyes running and not in a crying way more like sunset hitting a school blacktop. I can't wait to go home at the same time I can't wait to come back to every city. I love seeing old friends, still up front. Trying to remember every night is like trying to catch my breath. And the years took their toll but we're still right there. We're bullets in the chamber waiting for the powder and the hammer to kiss. I love the way fall feels in my nose. Oranges and yellows burning leaves and us always trying to make our way upstream. The world has a funny way of playing tricks on us. One day I've got it all figured out and the next it's a mess. Last year we were in the same town but it's all different now, but still the same. we're the local boys from everywhere. It's all about "the catch" versus "the one that got away". We're all trying to write them back into our lives and the hearts that we decorate and send cards out about on the holidays. We're just writing nets and barbs. Something to hold you until we've circled around to make sure no one is watching. It's been awhile but I think your baby boy has still got it. These words are poor substitute for my moods and emotions. I spend nights awake on single words, agonizing cos I don't want to let you down. And I feel like I have anyway. That's why I go away at times. Be alone together. Let's be stolen not borrowed. Forgiven not forgotten. Baby, the best ones are crazy. So cut it loose.

Listen to purevolume.com/thehushsound - the hush sound - so sudden...

11/11/05 Q&A

question

just to but in, patrick seems shy off stage like in an interview or if us fans talk to him and hes not shy on stage or if hes w the band

answer

patrick is shy or maybe quiet in general- notice how he doesnt talk on stage alot? thats not cos he thinks i am really cool. its because he is just a softspoken guy. its both on stage and off. not to butt in but hes my best buddy and i hoep you love him the way he is.

question

i try to come up with all these cool questions for you to answer but you dont answer any. peter, i think that you should have 2 Q&A boards so that patrick can answer some questions and you could answer some questions. because i dont think you like me. i like you.

answer

patrick doesnt like the internet. but he likes me.

question

What is ruckus juice?

answer

its what i gave old boy at the party so he’d get nekid.

question

Hey, You just edited that last question. They asked about if it freaked you out..blah blah blah, and then you put something like if anyone takes picture of me. And now its if anyone takes notice of anyhintg i do.and the time changed. So are you on here right now answering question looking at the message boards? *Destiny*

answer

i didnt edit anything. i was on the bus without internet service. if it was editted it was not by me.

11/12/05

question

pete, please take the time to read this. im not one for drama or causing it, im not into bashing bands or anything of that sort. i want you to read this and take everything i say into consideration. a few nights ago i went to your show in salt lake. it was a great night, i had my friends with me and i got the chance to see you guys perform. it was truly an exciting experience. i know that when bands are on the road, the only place that feels like home for them is their bus. so after performing it would be natural to get in the bus and rest, or sleep, or simply just chill out. when it all comes down to it, i know you guys are just as human as anyone else. you have just been put in a different situation where people find it exciting to meet with you. i personally would have just liked to meet you because as a songwriter, i think you have a way with words thats different from a lot of other songwriters. that means something to me.

my friend and i and a couple of other people waited for you guys outside where all the buses and trailers were. the four of us, and only us waited for more than two hours. we were there so long that security had left and the buses and trailers were getting ready to leave. andy was in a small building next to the venue eating and talking with your manager and roadies, etc. eventually, a girl that was with us poked her head in the room and got up the nerve to ask andy if he would come outside really quickly and just sign some things for the four of us, keep in mind it was just four kids, no one else was in sight except for roadies packing equipment. he came out and was really nice, shook our hands, signed a few papers and that was it, less than 30 seconds of his time. he told us it was fine and that he did not mind coming outside for a few seconds. throughout these few hours that we were waiting in the freezing cold to see you guys we asked roadies, some merch people, anyone basically, if they knew where you guys, patrick, joe, and pete were, and every single one of them either avoided us or just told us to leave and that you guys were not going to show up. some also said that buses feel like home and sometimes after a show you just want to go, in a sense, home. i understand that, but it wasnt like there were more than a hundred people waiting, or even fifty, just four. i also understand that as regular human beings, you guys have days when you feel down and days when things are going just right. pete, i love your words, and i enjoy the music that fall out boy makes. i still feel that way, but i have lost respect for you as people. it would have taken less than two minutes to meet with us and sign some things. we would have even been fine with you guys waving from your bus. my point is that you, patrick, and joe did nothing. ask andy if he was bothered by us, that it took more than a minute of his time, that he actually minded to meet with us, he will say no. please dont reply to me and tell me none of this was of your knowledge, we were there for a very long time, im confident someone would have said something to you or patrick or joe. when it all comes down to it, you guys are just four friends from chicago that got lucky and are now experiencing success you never dreamed of, success you yourself has said you never expected. you are where you are now because of your fans. you have a bus to sleep in with luxury items you know you dont really need because of your fans. you have a major label deal because of the support from your fans. you have money in your bank account because of every single kid that saw you play and took an interest in you. it is less likely that you will ever have to work a nine to five office job because of your fans. you have a music career solely because of your fans. your fans mean the world to you, but last night taught me a lesson and should open your eyes as well. you would be nothing if it were not for your fans, yes, even four kids from salt lake city and from around the world in general. i have learned not to trust someone even in your guys position. remember what i have said, let it resound in your head when there are fans outside some venue and you just wanna be left alone and go straight to your bus, your fans have paved the way for fall out boys success. i enjoy your music, but last night you lost my respect. it would be incredibly easy to just write me off, to write this message off, but you and i both know these words will be and are true whether you acknowledge them or not. thank you for your time. and no, i didnt mind taking time out of my day to write this. sincerely, marcos alvin words are to hide from, words are to hide behind

answer

i am sorry you missed the chance to see us. but i had the chance to meet many fans before the salt lake show in line. honestly i left nearly immediatly after the show to take my friends wife to the airport. i am sorry for the situation but hopefully next time we will have a better experience. i cant speak for joe or patrick but it is possible that they had valid reasons for not meeting people. also, at many of these venues we aren;t sure where people will be waiting. or security doesnt let us go outside of our buses do to curfew. over the period of three days when we were in salt lake i met over 50 kids probably and definitely appreciated meeting each one. anyway, accept my apology and hopefully you won’t let one interaction change your perception of our band, like it was said, we are only human as well- even if we are on a stage. take care.

11/13/05

question

hey! i was just wondering, how good are you friends with mikey way??

answer

me and mikey are not in just one gang together, we are in two: the sweet little dudes and the fraternal order of the handsome boy. i call him the duke of handsomeness.

question

Pete, If you were on a deserted island and had to choose between an Ipod full of your favorite songs or Patrick, what would you pick?

answer

trick question. patrick is an ipod full of my favorite songs.

question

Pete, Why dont you sing? Im not saying Patrick cant sing, cause hes like the best. But I know you write a lot of the music but you dont really sing.. you just scream… which is cool too…and fun

answer

cos patrick is a better singer than me, and pretty much everyone on the planet. i am content to sit here and get a tan and bask in the heat of his awesomeness.

question

My friends say i am conceeded cause i wear this shirt that is bright yellow with blue lettering. it says quarter on the front… the on the back it says “no woman can top me, yet all the dimes try, its gotta be a crime, to be this damn fly. I am i conceeded for wearing this shirt? XO ANGEL

answer

i think that shirt is insane. i dont really understand it. its awesome that you wear a shirt that says “damn fly” on it. it reminds me of the fresh prince when he was just a rapper not some shitty kids movie actor.

question

I am so flipping mad at you. Those Marauder hoodies were, frankly, my favorite piece of clothing on the Clan line. And now its gone. At least you could have said it was limited. That way I could have bought it earlier. The new hoodies are ugly. Sorry, but they are. Maybe next time, you can give us some warning.

answer

i am sorry you missed out the chance to get the hoody. it was listed as limited on many areas where it was advertised. hopefully we’ll make some more “non- ugly” hoodies in the future.

question

are those secret shows for OCK people? or is that confidential?

answer

he secret shows are for whoever can figure them out.

question

you know how people always send you really long things about how they have lost respect in you, and they think that you have become just more famous people.dont worry there are still the fans out there that love you with a passion and have some understanding.

answer

we always appreciate hearing that. though all opinions are welcome and heard.

question

hey petah… why do you where a hoodie onstage when your just going to take it off anyway??? i was pondering that while i was making cupcakes.

answer

why are you making cupcakes when you’re just gonna poop them out?

question

since forever ago, my friends & i have been thinking of having guy cosmetics… guyliner & the like. i noticed you said something about guyliner in an earlier answer… would you sponsor?

answer

i think i am just gonna make some guyliner.

question

what is release the bats about? i never heard of the movie

answer

its a movie me and my friends made. you can get it at the fueledbyramen webstore. www.fueledbyramen.com  

November 16, 2005 

winter is here again. it gets dark before i even wrap my head around the day. went home and saw my mom, the hushsound, and kanye west. my mom was definitely the coolest. but hush sound is amazing and butch walker is really nice (not in the "im nice cause you're in fall out boy" just a genuinely nice guy, which is refreshing). tour is winding down. its kind of a bumout. but another one will start soon. ive been hearing about you sneaking around my house trying to see who's going in and out- don't waste your time thinking about what i'm doing cause im not wasting my time thinking about you. you'll remember where you were at the exact moment that i stopped thinking of you forever.

don't believe the hype. girls with brains are sexy.

11/16/05

question

Pete, if the secret shows get announced on trl theyre not really secret anymore are they?why?why did you tell them?

answer

they didnt announce when or where they’d be.

question

I was at the cleveland nintendo fusion and i was wondering who the fat guy who came out screaming “mother f***ing FOB” was.

answer

thats dirty. you can meet on the release the bats dvd- you can get that over at www.fueledbyramen.com he says “im not fat, my mom says im big boned”

question

what is a sell out to you? b/c some of my friends say that you guys sold out. i dont believe it but they just tell me to shut up. its getting annoying. i just wanted your input on it

answer

when you compromise your ideals for monetary gains, when you do something you would not otherwise do simply because it is lucrative. we do not do that. you never get a chance to hear about the things and ideas that we turn down.

question

Patrick is jus the loveable kinda guy, isnt he?

answer

yes

question

If you personally wrote a book about the band, what did it be called?

answer

fall out boy: how no one ever understood this band except the four people in it

question

I know that pete likes to get yellow flowers… but what do the other members of FOB like to get?

answer

patrick: vinyl, records - motown stuff joe: star wars stuff andy: comic books, vegan treats

question

my mom thinks your an attractive male…and the most attractive in fall out boy. What do you have to say for yourself?

answer

im never happy with the person in the mirror.

question

how come patrick looks so gay in some pics on mtv.com? but he normally looks Hot???

answer

news flash gay is not a synonym for ugly. i know this may come as a shock.

November 17, 2005 

Swoon.

The only band that ever really mattered to me is back together.

I heart lifetime.

And the new harry potter movie is coming out.

November 18, 2005 

fall out boy friend appreciation day:

andy: ive known andy the longest of anyone in fall out boy. i can set my clock by this kid. he comes off as the quietest member but when he's around people he knows he is the loudest- many nights i have been woken up by him screaming in the front lounge. he is one of the few kids i know who is still vegan sxe- he lives and dies by his beliefs. he also looks like animal when he plays drums. id trust any secret ive ever had with him forever. ladies watch out when hes around. hehe.

joe: joe is actually the kid who started fob. it was his brilliant idea to get all of us maniacs together and he introduced me and patrick. he tends to be the glue that holds it all together. he is also pretty much the most interesting part of a fall out boy live show. i, with everyone in the crowd often find myself watching this kid spin around and kick holes in walls. ive also been in way too many sketchy situations with this kid, where we can only look at eachother and laugh. including the time we got in a huge fight at a party at his apartment which resulted in some asshole getting a bottle broken over his head. i plead the fifth on anymore knowledge. but i know i could come to joe with any problem ive ever had.

patrick: probably my best friend in the whole world. we can finish eachothers sentences. its strange cause ive never had a relationship like the one we have with a friend, ever. people try to make a big deal of him and my interactions and relationship. but honestly at the end of the day when the spotlights and flashes go away this kid is still gonna be here, and we'll still be friends. i could give a fuck what you say, this is one of the only people in the world that i would take a bullet for. and he has more talent in his little finger than i have in my entire body.

that is all.

new harry potter movie is amazing.

back to the depressing "magic-less" world.

November 18, 2005 

The real me is the giant squid. It’s the planet just past Pluto. Its time travel. Its all these theoretical ideas that cant be proven. How I feel is “what killed the dinosaurs” and “how the pyramids were built”. Just guesses that maybe hit their marks and maybe are miles off. Im a Saturday soul on a Monday night. Everything I know about girls I learned from watching my sister talk on the phone, fuck Im sorry, blame her if I got it all wrong. Everything I know about sex I learned from watching dirty movies, fuck im sorry, blame traci lords cause I know I got it all wrong. The saddest songs sing themselves.makeup caked on my face, not for the show but because im tired of being me. It aint a pretty face, its just the hull of the ship. And were burning up in the atmosphere. We crashed hard at the learning curve. The poets come to life in hotel rooms and bathroom stalls.

Look in the mirror and repeat: “hes losing his touch”- "why is this so cryptic" “we don’t want to be the next fall out boy”- and pretend your alive, handsome. its all the difference between: feeling exposed and feeling overexposed. read between the lines- Treat yourself like a video cassette rewind endlessly to catch only the best parts, skip over the rest and eject. You aint anything new, youre just the latest in a long line of people who have been you and will be you. and you aren’t even the best at it. but you might have the biggest mouth. massage this ego, cause its feeling kind of sore. But youre a sprinter and this one is a long distance race. They say you cant run the whole way but fuck what they say. Fuck you for giving up. Take this to press. You’ve only got four stories to tell and theyre getting old. Dig up some new dirt. Ill air some more dirty laundry. Cause that’s all this is. a laundry room without any washing machines (nobodys coming clean). Just because we’re not responding doesn’t mean what you say is true- or that it doesn’t hurt. The fair-weather friends are keeping score in journals and in whispered voices. That’s okay. Im never gonna pretend to be more than I am- just a kid trying to figure myself out, and how dare I? The glue isn’t even dry on my pity party invitations and im already bored with feeling sorry for myself. Pause. Keep clawing my way out of this, mr. Mess I have become. Its okay in the end for everybody no matter how this turns out. the simplest words seem to be the truest. Humming them out of key and in a voice so hoarse it hurts. Single light in the bunk glowing late night messages. My mom said Ive got to start smiling in mirrors or else im gonna always feel weird about the person looking back. Put the buzzing phone to my headached head. “I’ll be home soon”…you know its a lie but it makes us both feel ok. I know this probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but it just feels better to get it out to you. 

Scientists in japan just photographed the first live giant squid on record. Ive never seen anything so terrifying or beautiful. Goodnight, pretty.

- petey

November 20, 2005 

1:36 pm 

sometimes its like never started sometimes it like its never gonna end

November 22, 2005 

12:59 am 

sometimes my own words dont suffice. "i hope that our few remaining friends give up on trying to save us i hope we come up witha fail-safe plot to piss off the dumb few that forgave us i hope the fences we mended fall down beneath their own weight and i hope we hang on past the last exit, i hope its already too late and i hope that the junkyard a few blocks from here someday burns down and i hope the rising black smoke carries me far away and i never come back to this town again. in my life i hope i lie and tell everyone you were a good wife and i hope you die. i hope we both die" 

November 23, 2005

I realize I have been a bit out of touch lately. I’m sorry. I’ve kinda been letting things get to me way too much. A black cloud I’ve always been counting on to be there. I’m sorry I’ve seemed kind of distant at signing and stuff. I’m sorry. I feel way better. I promise you good things in jersey. The providence show was amazing. I got an owl perched on some books tattoed on me. Just cause I’m a book nerd. He’s looks smart and dapper. I love bill haverchuck and you. You know the guy who plays the gym teacher in the dance, dance video? Well he’s our manager and we convinced him to get his old band the step kings back together to play new jersey. Its gonna be a riot.

I’m thankful that you all put up with me.

November 23, 2005

I wrote you a letter a few hours ago that I never intended to give you in the first place and then ripped it up and threw it away because it’s much too personal to say on paper. even over a phone. the words i said in it i need to say to you in person. i guess it felt better to write it all out. It's easier to say “I only need 5 seconds with you than a lifetime with someone else” than it is to live it. to be honest, i’m dying from it. “kiss me electric” vs “kiss me at all.” and when you do it’s just a kiss off. i’m really not ready for what you want from me, but with how you’re never around it makes me wonder what you really do want from me. honestly, it sure doesn’t feel like much. i said i’d be fine if you gave me a little note or a call once and a while, once a day even, just something to keep hanging onto, but you can’t even do that so yeah… i don’t know. Am I being ridiculous? it’s just hard for me to keep going like this… my heart is lots easier to fool than me. i think that’s what makes this so hard. 

November 30, 2005

you are my lobster.

- petey

[straightjacket111]

thats the end of me. nothing matters to me anymore. no one matters anymore . ive lost myself fully . the one i love the most where i thought she wud understand what im going thru eversince. where i did everything i cud back then js for u to be happy. but not with myself. im tired. tired of this feeling where i feel locked where i cant talk to anyone about it anymore. i guess life is a piece of shit to me. i question alot of i ever did try my best alot . i abuse myself alot. and she doesnt know about it. and no one knows about it. all i ever needed was a lil help. i guess that doesnt matter anymore. i dont matter anymore. this the last time i'll be saying stuff here. i lover her alot. with all my heart where i disrecpect myself for her where i did everything for her . idw to do that anymore because i couldnt see myself being happy. love is fucking shit where i will mever fall in love again. my heart is walled up where no one can ever enter it to know my true feelings. dats why it was so hard for me to open up. because i hate cry. i hate feelings. i hate love. i really love her. she was the one for me. im always happy with her but mvr myself. theres so much memories tgt with her. i will never forget about. where i will left everything back in the box . to never throw it away because how much i love her alot. how much i love us. my love was gone untill shit happens. untill i start to realised. until im awake. where why do i feel locked up. why can she do that why i cant still. so many shit.

she will always be my first love and my last to love. i will mever be here anymore by then. so for u nina. my baby. my 1st love. my nugget. my princess. my fairy. my half. my live. my ikigai. my soul. i will always love you no matter what. be it how i am now amd how u are now. im drained out . all of it is gone. but our memories will never fade away from me. i remember the times where the first time i met u. i miss that beauitfuk smile of u . the charming wide smile where i wanna kiss ur face all over. ny heart was pounding fast the first time i saw u. i was glad i did wait where i wanted to cry in public but hold it in. and we went to yishun dam right after dat. u know thats the best day of my life right. where u talk to me alot. about ur life and shit. i love that day. where we know we love each other. where ure still with someone else . where i love you but i cant at that point of time. i miss dat . and u know where im always smilling . i miss that . i miss me. i miss how i was . i really miss him but his gone and im sorry. im sorry im always hurting u. im always sorry for all the piece of shit i did to u. im gonna miss you alot when im gone. and i never felt anything like that before with anyone. only u. it was a special thing for the both of us. but it came to an end for the both of us and im sorry. i love you okay. i will always will. be safe whereever u are . u will always be my number one. and im gonna miss you. please eat alot. dont depend on the pills so much. dont hurt urself . be safe wherever u are and watch the road . i cant hold ur hand anymore but i wil be by ur side . always even when im gone. thank you for everything and i appreciate and cherish everything that we've did . goodbye. goodnight. goodmorning. rest well. sweet dreams. talk to me when ure having nightmares. i love you alot. goodnight.

to my close friends u know who u are. thank you for everything u guys been the best for me. im glad that we've never seperate our way and always be there for each other. i love you guys . im sorry burdening u guys with everything that i did. u guys matter to me too. but i will stop all of this burdening for u guys. i hope yall will be happy and find happiness like how we always do. and matin. glad ure happy with ur new girl. finally seeing smilling amd gigling amd shit . gay ass nigger. be safe man whereever u are . u mean alot to me too remember to not get hurt again man like what i said. i love all of u. every each of u mean to me.

and to my family. im sorry that i have to go. u guys mean alot to me and idw burden anything anymore where i want to see everyone being happy. where i cant find my happiness anymore. nina was the one whos always making me happy but not myself and u guys see that. i love her alot. so please . if u guys cud. talk to her and everything she means alot to me. and i will stop all of this burdening where coming home late. making my parents mad. cried . and evrrything else. i'll stop this because i really love you guys and i wanna see evrryone happy, i will slways love everyone no matter what.

and to myself. uve died. u may rest in peace now. when everything is tiring . life is tiring . u may rest now. ure always a happy go lucky guy. but look at u now. uve died . burdeing evrryone . breaking ppls heart. hurt them. everything else. u may rest in peace now.

monday,

13/2/2023

3:33pm.

[stuff-i-like-to-share]

I don't have friends to talk to...

.. dont have anyone I can be truly honest with.. and recently I'm feeling g brokenhearted..

The guy who I thought its the love of my life broke my heart.. we are still together, been together for over 10 years and have 3 children together but something snapped inside of me..

We've been away for almost a year due to his work, I stayed home qith kids and looking after my dad..

He came back, it was great, was so happy.. until one day he would just walk around the house accusing me of being upset and angry at him.. whilst I kept telling him that I don't feel well.. he would make quite a few seriously rude comments.. went to bed in the evening but he would carry on accusing me of being a bitch, yerp, he called me that..and just generally spread alot of hateful vicious coments which I was so confused about... eventually I did get pissed out of confusion and told him I do t understand where is all his coments coming from.. he said I've being acting wierd all day, I've been giving him cold shoulder and aparwntly gave him an angry vibe and he had enough of me being a bitch..

After series of arguments, he got up, at round 2 in the morning and started packing.. he said he is going away, back to work etc... that confused the shit out of me since I still wasn't even sure why is he upset..

He carry on rumbling round the room packing his stuff, underwear, sprayes, cables and charges.. I lied in bed confused.. questioning whole 10 years of our relationship...

Eventually I got up and told him how confused and hurt I am.. told him not a single time I was angry with him.. I'm just not feeling well!

After crying my eyes out I wwnt back to bed, turn my back on him and cried even more, he lied behind me as I shaked and weeps myself to sleep..

Next day I felt even worse.. our oldest son and my dad also wasn't well.. after contacting a doctor we've been send to have a COVID tests which came back POSITIVE!!

So in conclusion I started having covid and wasn't giving him 100% affection only coz I wasn't feeling well... and he assumed I'm angry and upset with him and treated me like shit... whilst I was feeling worse and worse.. then whwn I cried and weeped in bed he didn't even cared to hug me or apologise at least.. after tests he apologised and told me he wasn't really planning on leaving just wanted to get a reaction from me.. but I told him that's last thing I need.. we are mature and been together for long enough not to play wierd games and treat eachothwr shit.. i needed his support but I got accused of being bad wife..

Since then I'm notici g more and more wierd behaviours.. he keeps assuming that I will get upset or angry.. I am VERY understanding and supportive, I even set myself a notifications abt his favourite sport teams.. I dont mind if he plays console etc.. yet I keep feeling attacked and mistreated..

He keep saying things like: oh thats typical you, you will be bringing that up all the time.. I never bring up the past, I dont cling into past arguments.. I am so confused.. and the teasing and joking to the point my eyes tear up and then he's upset with me coz im emotional..

I do t understand.. what happened to my relationship?! I'm not a child, I don't look for arguments, I am dping my best to solve problems without major arguments .. yet I feel like I'm always the bad guy..

Probably talking to myself but oh well.. I'm just tired of not being able to talk this out with anyone.. and im so confused.. and tired

...

[pokefanbri]

Im still fucking fighting, i keep telling myself im not gonna let go & Fuck everyone else who thinks I should. But sometimes there's the opposite, im just lost & idk what to do....hes not gonna come back...so why should I bother to keep fighting 😔 If someone asks me...

Are they worth it? Absolutely. Because theres always room for improvement & growth, & we've been doing that apart for ourselves now for 7months. Did they give u the respect and attention u deserved? Are we not more valuable than that? Hell no & hell yes lol. Look I was happy just doing that for him but yea when it came to me honestly it was like nah im good 😒 & i know how fucked up it is that id go along with his selfishness but I did. I did deserve better & he knows I did... i just didnt wanna lose him & did anything he needed me for... but I ended up losing him anyway 😔 theres a reason why u work on that kinda shit & grow together as you go so everyone is happy, its fair to say we both lost sight...I was eager to learn everything about him cuz I wanted to be closer...but I was blocked out & pushed away, he wouldn't open up & talk to me or show feelings for anything, even of me when he used to all the time...like he was scared of being too attached or didnt want to get hurt..he didnt trust me or was afraid to show his true self or show any emotion that'd be viewed as weak due to the typical be a man complex. Idk I was confused & didnt know what was needed to help fix things so yea i walked on eggshells & me showing affection of my own free will was out of the question most of the time...I couldn't touch him unless he wanted me to & rare occurrences for my own satisfaction. Its the reason why I cried all the damn time, I felt avoided & unwanted because my own attention lacked pretty badly. How tf do I love a fucknugget bobblehead like that lmao, cuz I dont give 2 flying fucks he was my man ok! & being close enough to him made me happy enough I guess, I still looked at him like he was my world even if I wanted to slap him for making me feel so lonely at the same time. I admit his needs came b4 mine, he liked it more that way & I took care of him more than I did myself. But if he had more effort to take care of my needs in turn & I were happier than I was, & us happy at the same time, then maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself...cry all the time & smoke like a chimney 🙁

I still don't fully understand why he held back, communicating with me on a deeper level is supposed to be natural & pretty much all normal couples show an appropriate amount of affection & understanding to eachother....but it was kept burried...was he afraid id hate him, judge him, make fun? No, id love him even more! Idc how dark he may think he is or whatever past bs he's gone through or even if he was lying about anything...its okay it can't hurt u anymore dear & we can overcome it just tell me what it is thats lacking & let's fix this. Id say "sit down babe, tell me everything, whats on your mind, what can I do to help 😊" & id give him the most gentle kiss on the forehead. I'd do anything to see a smile from that face & it makes me smile too. I want to help him, he needs somebody to hold just as much as I do cuz the fact of the matter is babe, he's just as broken as I am, we both need someone to put back our pieces & become whole again...after we try doing it solo it can only go so far b4 u want that physical presence of another again to help u more so. He keeps everything bottled up & especially didnt let me see what was happening to him I had no clue, if he didnt like talking to anyone he at least had me but still kept me away from him, whatever it was festered in him & he changed his whole demeanor toward me, he became colder & shut me out for good 😔 Making me feel even more unwanted. We didnt help eachother through our problems & I really wanted to, I wanted to save us for the longest time way b4 the end. Idk maybe if he put in as much effort & we knew how to function better together instead of a Corolla with just 2 wheels then we'd probably be fine...& our suspension wouldn't be dragging on the asphalt 😂 Its not all on him for fault, I take equal amount of responsibility, we failed eachother, we didn't know wtf we were doing & 9/10 it was just friends with benefits with only 1 of us in love & attached, & the other not really caring with side pieces to chat with 🤷‍♀️

U know what 🤬 They're right, he's right, & now I'm actually starting to accept it the more I write. Maybe just maybe,HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME AT ALL. Im still upset and frustrated. To answer the question again from earlier no maybe he's not worth it. I suffered through his bs and 10fold heartbreak afterward!! If he can't own up, right his wrongs & bring us both peace then no he's not worth suffering for afterall, and ive been loving the wrong soul this whole damn time 😣 He kicked me to the curb cuz he a fucking coward! He cant admit his wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, say im sorry or actually put the tiniest bit of effort into a relationship to make it work, but instead disposes of me so he wouldn't have to confront any of it & just continue on like nothing happened are fucking kidding me!!?? I thought u were smarter than this, its beneath you to just run away & pretend I never mattered to you when we both know I did!!!....& im crying again. Im still feeling the betrayal apparently, ill never be able to trust him fully again anyway, let alone other men now. I dont hate you, I love you very much. But I hate the evil from you that you've shown me. I should've known honestly, I was naive to see all types of disrespect but this was the worst part. I still love him but i do deserve better than that & I hope he's changed his ways. Trust a guy with a high track record of ladies & a handful of em in their hand..what u think 🤔 can trust be gained back? Can I get over the bad uncalled for lying shit he's said about me to other women to make himself look better? Idk 🤷‍♀️ I haven't been able to rest without closure for so long, but enough is enough im making my own. You're absolutely right, you'd just manipulate me further, I thought maybe we could be better than before...round 2 at some point in the future...but maybe we're not salvageable after all. Thats up to u, I did everything I could, but now if u were to ever come back idk if I'd jump into your arms or slam the door in your face, I just dont know. Its better that I try never speaking of u again, or think of you for as long as I can so that I can heal better....cuz loving you even after the fact is tearing me apart & making me lose focus on what matters more, myself. I fought valiantly as long as I could, 7 months is a long time to not shut up about u lol.. maybe you've been hearing me I wouldn't know. I have to force it or ill never be able to, ill still silently grieve but as much as it hurts, Its time. U were my rock, an asshole but a good one, the best gamer I got to know, a boss at alot of things, with the cutest lil butt, & somehow the love of my life. Other than maybe something valentines or anniv related in Feb ofcourse....Ur getting what u wanted, I have to do whats best for me now, I have to let u go. I held on for so long but Im really tired & emotionally drained, im just torturing myself when i need to stop, im defeated, nobody won anything, everyone got hurt in 2020 why should our relationship be any different, id say we gave it our all be we both know we didnt. This hurts me so much to do, like my heart is breaking again. Bye babe, I love you with all my heart. 💋💞 💟

I tried to do what I could but if he left, I just gotta try to move on. If I take him back, I gotta consider how that's gonna look like & if I really got past the damage he did....obviously theres some I still haven't 😔 Its what im telling myself while trying to move past this. Others going through the same...We're in love and they ain't. We can't control their actions but we can control our actions. Im not a toxic person..only to myself, I love with all my heart, nobody bothers to understand...they just judge