#the animals running around remind me of the hakuna matata scene actually

[philibetexcerpts]

“Elizabeth and Philip spent a night at Treetops Hotel, a three-bedroom cabin built among the branches of a large fig tree above an illuminated salt lick in a game preserve. Dressed in khaki trousers and a bush scarf, Elizabeth excitedly filmed the elephants, rhinos, monkeys, and other animals with her movie camera. At sunset, she and Philip spotted a herd of thirty elephants. ‘Look, Philip, they’re pink!’ she said, not realizing that the gray pachyderms had been rolling in pink dust.”

Elizabeth the Queen: The Life of a Modern Monarch by Sally Bedell Smith

[imagitory]

Review: The Lion King (2019) [spoilers]

NAAAAAANTS IGONYAMA BAGITI BABA -- !

Ahem. So...I just got back from seeing the new Lion King remake, and I guess it’s time to talk about it. For those of you who wish to avoid spoilers... *exhales heavily* how do I say this kindly, um -- you don’t need to go see this. Like, really, you don’t. Not to rain on anyone’s parade, but you would miss absolutely nothing watching the original instead of this one, and honestly, I think it’s fair to say you’ll have much more fun watching the original too. As much as I haven’t loved Disney’s line of recent remakes, I at least found something in most of the films I saw that I could praise, but with this one? I don’t recall ever being so utterly bored sitting in a movie theater in my life.

If you would like a more detailed opinion, here’s a cut!

The Good!

+For once, Disney decided to hire a cast full of singers that don’t require autotune, including Donald Glover, Billy Eichner, and of course Beyonce, as well as quite a few lovely people in the chorus like Brown Lidiwe Mkhize (who sang The Circle of Life). Even some of the performers with weaker singing voices like John Oliver were able to hold their own well enough.

+The voice acting overall wasn’t bad. I’ll have to leave it at that, though, since this is supposed to be the positive section.

+The Circle of Life and Can You Feel the Love Tonight? were well-performed, though I will be getting to other issues I had with them later.

+Zazu was actually given a bit more pathos rather than just exclusively being comic relief. He not only tries to protect Nala and Simba from the hyenas, but he also rushes to go get the lionesses when Simba’s in trouble, makes a distraction for Nala so she doesn’t get caught by Scar, and even helps a little more in the final battle. I won’t act like he was an improvement on the orginal exactly, as the best compromise would’ve been to have him be both funny and supportive, but at least there was an attempt to give him some depth.

+As much as I’ll critique the animation further down, I will give the animators credit for its realism. A lot of hard work was obviously put in, and it shows.

The Not-So-Good...

+The number one problem with this movie is, as I feared, the animation. I can respect that this is my opinion and many others might find some charm in how “real” everything looks, but I’m sorry -- musicals =/= realistic . Musicals are supposed to be over-the-top. They are supposed to be theatrical. Hell, even the Broadway production of The Lion King understood that to tell this story without animated lions, you had to treat it like a folktale. The story was never about lions -- it was a human story told with lions. The ideas of family -- responsibility -- duty -- leadership -- grief -- hope -- these are human values. The Lion King was inspired by Shakespeare’s Hamlet. It also has ripples of the Moses story, given that it revolves around someone running away from their home and responsibility, only to realize their true calling and go back to save their people. And you know something? I am positive that the filmmakers knew full well how ridiculous these National-Geographic-esque animated creatures would look suddenly bursting into song -- that’s why they tried at every single opportunity to depict the musical sequences in wide, impersonal shots that barely correspond to the rhythm or mood of the song at all. Unless it’s The Circle of Life, which is literally a shot-for-shot recreation of the original sequence accompanied by a song sung by none of the characters on screen, the only way that these supposedly “realistic” creatures could communicate energy or emotion during the song sequences was by running and climbing things. And in the end, it just looks lazy and dull. There’s no energy in either the shots or the editing. Hakuna Matata and I Just Can’t Wait to Be King suffer the most because of this, as those songs were so dependent on bright colors, spontaneity, and enthusiasm, but none of the songs are done justice with this animation.

+Another issue with the animation is in the characters themselves. As realistic as it looks in the textures of the fur and the way the animals move, it is utterly lifeless in practice. I swear to God, there are points where these animals looked stuffed, they’re so blank and hollow. You know those live action movies, like Cats and Dogs, where they would have real dogs and cats play the characters and then just “fix” their mouths with post-production CGI to make it look like they’re talking, even if their eyes and faces still end up looking so blank that it never looks like they’re saying what’s coming out of their mouths? THAT’S THE ENTIRE MOVIE. It didn’t matter how good the voice acting was, because it was invalidated by the lack of expression of the characters who were supposedly saying the lines. The only character in this movie who seemed to have any emotion in his eyes was Scar, and that was because his animated model was apparently given permission to narrow his eyes more, presumably to look more “eeeeeviiiiiiil~.” Even the hyenas were just given hollow black eyes that only ever looked alien and inhuman most of the time (clearly to remind you that they’re the bad guys) -- there were no emotions other than “mwehehehe we’re gonna eat you” on their faces the entire movie. But yeah, think of all the really emotional scenes in this movie. Think of Mufasa seeing Simba hanging on that tree -- the fear in his face as Simba almost loses his grip on the branch -- the pain and fear in Simba’s expression when Mufasa puts him up on a small ledge, only to get yanked backward by the wildebeest and disappear from view -- the struggle in Mufasa’s body language as he tries to climb up the edge of the gorge -- the betrayal and horror in Mufasa’s expression when Scar reveals his true colors -- the desperation, disbelief, horror, and grief in Simba’s face when he finds his father and screams at the open air for help. ...Yeah. Now imagine all of those scenes being acted out by EMOTIONLESS PUPPETS. That’s even what Mufasa looks like when he’s thrown backwards off the cliff -- a puppet. A scene that has left people in tears almost made me snort with laughter because of how bad it looked!

+The animation’s realism also, as others pointed out when the trailers first came out, made it very difficult to pick out individual characters. When Nala grew up, there wasn’t even a way to tell that she was the youngest of the lionesses -- they all looked like clones of each other. There’s a bit where one of the hyenas (I guess he’s supposed to be Banzai, but I guess he’s been renamed something else?) confuses Scar for Mufasa at a distance and I almost burst out laughing because it was like the movie characters themselves even realized how identical all of the lions look. Simba’s face “turning into Mufasa’s” in the water had no emotional impact at all because you could barely tell that anything had just happened.

+Geezus, and I thought that Beauty and the Beast took too many ideas from the original? Oh boy. This movie took so much from the original, it was like the filmmakers copied something they found on the Internet for a school assignment and then added and switched around a couple of lines just so they wouldn’t be accused of plagiarism. There were quite a few points while watching this where I was going, “Oooookay, and this is where Simba sees a lizard. ...Yup, there it is. He’s gonna try to roar twice. ...Yup, and...yup. And on the third try, he’s going to roar loud enough for it to echo, and we’ll cut to the top of the gorge. ...Called it. And wildebeest in three, two, one...” Now, of course, knowing what’s going to happen shouldn’t reduce suspense -- if anything, when something suspenseful is done well, it doesn’t matter if you know what happens, because now you’re excited to see those things happen. But in this? How could I be excited when they recycled almost every joke, almost every shot, almost every scene, only with half the energy and sincerity? Even Beauty and the Beast tried to throw in some twists now and again, even if I didn’t end up liking most of them...the only things I can think of in regards to “changes” were some extra scenes that didn’t add much of anything, such as Scar leaning even more into his “Claudius” role and trying to court Simba’s mother Sarabi. Oh, and on that note...

+...The original movie was about an hour and a half long. This one was two hours. You want to know how they stretched that run-time out? Largely by adding in extended nature sequences. Perhaps if you really like the “realistic” animation, you might enjoy the gratuity of it, but some of them just got ridiculous. Remember how in the original, Scar caught a mouse and kind of taunted it? Now we get almost a whole minute just watching the mouse running around and doing nothing before Scar even shows up. Remember how we got a short, smooth transition from Pride Rock to Rafiki’s tree with a rainfall and soothing music? Have one that’s twice as long and is devoid of any of the epic, solemn atmosphere. Remember how we got a cute little giggle when Timon and Pumbaa sang The Lion Sleeps Tonight, only for it to get interrupted by Nala’s arrival? Now that song is treated like a full musical number with lots of danc -- sorry, walking around aimlessly, because it’d be stupid if animals actually danced or something. Remember how Simba collapses into some leaves, which sets loose some dust which in a ten-second-long cut scene is blown through the wind into Rafiki’s hand? Now it lasts almost two whole minutes and involves a tuft of Simba’s fur landing in a river, being picked up by a bird, becoming stuffing in a nest, being tossed out of the nest, being accidentally eaten by a giraffe, being shat out by that giraffe, being picked up by a dung beetle -- OH, COME ON. NOW YOU’RE JUST SEARCHING FOR EXCUSES TO DRAG THIS MOVIE OUT.

+I love James Earl Jones, but he should not have reprised his role as Mufasa. I’m sorry, but the man is 88 years old now, and he just sounded so tired. He didn’t show even half of the energy and enthusiasm he had playing the part the first time. If he was Simba’s grandfather, that’d be one thing, but he’s not. Half of what makes Mufasa’s death so tragic is how alive and young he seemed and how close his bond was with his friends Rafiki and Zazu and his family Simba and Sarabi, but thanks to Jones’s low-key performance and the lack of emotion in Mufasa’s animation, all of that is lost.

+Just like with Jafar in the recent Aladdin remake, this movie tries to give Scar some depth, but the halfhearted attempt only serves to take away what made Scar a great villain in the first place -- namely, his dry wit, ruthlessness, talent for manipulation, dynamic attitude, arrogance, immaturity, and most of all passion. Combine this not-deliciously-evil-but-definitely-not-sympathetic characterization with such bland animation that neither conveys energy or intrigue, and we’re once again left with a very forgettable, uninteresting villain. Come on, Disney, you used to be so good at writing villains -- just because you’re trying to make a more “realistic” story doesn’t mean your villain can’t crack a smile every-so-often, geezus!

+If Sarabi was chasing off hyenas with the lionesses, how in the world did she and the lionesses get back to Pride Rock fast enough for them to be lounging around when Simba came to get Nala? Scar and Simba’s interaction isn’t nearly long enough to encompass Sarabi finishing up with the hyenas and returning home. This is a problem that comes from how much this remake copies from the original -- because it wants so many scenes to play out identically to the original, it gives any subtle line changes the writers do make the potential to create plot holes.

+Oh yeah, and the joke of Simba pouncing on Zazu really doesn’t work if we see Simba getting ready the entire time and Zazu makes it easy for Simba by spinning around in circles looking at nothing. One would think Zazu was trying to let Simba pounce on him.

+There’s no kind way to put this -- Timon and Pumbaa were just flat-out INSUFFERABLE in this. Not only were their deliveries of lines from the original movie pretty awful, but they also added in a bunch of new, often fourth-wall-breaking jokes that just made me hide my face in my hands and groan. In Hakuna Matata in particular, they act offended by Simba not being more excited when they first say the phrase, ruin the joke of Pumbaa farting by having him say it and Pumbaa then being upset that Timon didn’t interrupt him, AND give Simba a hard time for continuing the song until it fades out by saying that Simba’s “gained 400 pounds” since they started it! This isn’t even touching on how TERRIBLE Seth Rogen was as Pumbaa while singing -- like, I know that’s supposed to be part of the joke, but Ernie Sabella was “a bad singer” by being over-the-top, not by being off-pitch and painful to listen to! Not to mention that Sabella packed so much more characterization into his line deliveries -- the chasm of quality between Sabella and Rogen’s performances all the more highlighted to me the difference between an actor and a voice actor. You can’t just get away with speaking your lines in an ordinary voice when you’re voice acting -- you need to emote solely with your voice, as your face is not doing any of the work, and with animation this emotionless and bland, one really needed to have given 120% in their voice work for it to be even passable. (And honestly, none of the actors stood out well performance-wise...not that they should have to singlehandedly bear the burden of depicting their characters’ emotions just with their voices: this is an animated movie, not a radio drama!) As if breaking the fourth wall for no reason, telling bad jokes, and singing poorly wasn’t enough, Timon and Pumbaa also come across as infinitely more selfish and mean-spirited. They say they’re outcasts, and yet there’s a whole friggin’ community of animals in their jungle home. Simba actually hears Timon and Pumbaa selfishly decide to “keep him” because having a creature bigger than them around might help them out. Timon flat-out tells Simba to only look after himself and no one else. Whereas in the original film, Timon and Pumbaa almost raise Simba like adopted parents, having fun with him and genuinely showing concern for him -- here, Timon and Pumbaa act more like a pair of frat boys who adopted the “new kid” in college and induct him into their friend circle, even though, yeah, Simba first meets them as a cub and they’re already adults. Rather than just laugh at the thought of “royal dead guys watching them” for a quick moment, they openly roar with laughter at Simba, dragging it out even when it’s very clear Simba is hurt by their amusement and not even bothering to apologize. At least in the original, Simba acted like it was funny and then left abruptly, but here? Simba never laughed or showed any amusement, so it came across as Timon and Pumbaa bullying him. Oh yeah, and speaking of bullying, remember how there was that one-off pop culture reference where Pumbaa gets mad at being called a pig? Now that’s been replaced with Pumbaa saying he doesn’t like bullies -- seems like that would’ve been a lovely thing to set up earlier, maybe to give that line some emotional pay-off, but nope! There’s no joke AND there’s no point. But you want to know what made me hate these two beyond reason in this movie? You want to know what finally pushed me over the edge? They broke the fourth wall beyond repair by -- rather than randomly putting on a hula skirt and dancing goofily, because of course we’re a SERIOUS animated movie, one that’s so REAL -- singing Be Our Guest from Beauty and the Beast, French accent and all. ...Excuse me for a minute. *buries her face into a pillow and screams in rage*

+By the way, those other animals who live in the jungle Timon and Pumbaa are from and therefore invalidate their assertion of being “outcasts”? Completely pointless. They don’t even come with Timon and Pumbaa and fight for the Pridelands! You could have cut them completely and lost nothing.

+As much as Hakuna Matata was the most irritating of the numbers, I Just Can’t Wait to Be King and especially Be Prepared were just pathetic. I Just Can’t Wait to Be King largely suffered, again, due to the “realism” of the animation, but the slow editing and even the vocals slowed the whole sequence down and sucked out any energy or excitement from the piece. I’ll give credit to Nala and Simba’s voice actors for their vocal quality, but there was still none of the spontaneity and recklessness in their voices that the song requires, so it just came across as Disney karaoke, rather than anything professional. But Be Prepared was easily the worst of the lot. It would be a challenge to try to evoke the level of dread and demented thrill you get from the original song sequence, but here, the filmmakers didn’t even try. Not only do we only get part of the song, but Scar’s voice actor Chitwetel Ejiofor barely sings a word of it and brings none of the dynamic, power-hungry, conniving, almost hypnotic mania that’s supposed to define Scar in that moment. He’s mostly just shouting like an old man yelling at a kid to get off his lawn -- there’s no attempt at persuasion or temptation in his voice at all. And just like in most of the other musical numbers, the only way Scar’s character model can emote during his song is to climb on things. Even in songs that were performed well, there were notable problems. The Circle of Life was basically animated on autopilot, replicating every single shot without taking any time to show any genuine emotion anywhere, whether when Zazu and Rafiki greeted Mufasa or when Simba sneezed away the dust in his face...and Can You Feel the Love Tonight? Haha, yeah, right -- more like “Can You Feel the Love in the Mid-Afternoon”! It was absolutely comical, hearing them sing “tonight” when the entire sequence was done in daylight!

+I’ve always liked The Lion King, but...wow, after seeing this remake and how much they tried to lean into the “hyenas as outsiders” idea in this, I have to acknowledge that there are some uncomfortable elements to this story. In the original, we solely focus on Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed with other hyenas in the background, so them being outside the Pridelands could just be seen as the case of a few bad apples, rather than it being an indictment on an entire group. But here, in this version, Shenzi is depicted more seriously as the leader of all the hyenas and it’s established that the war between lions and hyenas has gone on for a long time. Basically this movie turns Shenzi into Zira from The Lion King 2...and yeah, that makes it so that the hyenas -- as the outsiders -- should theoretically be slightly sympathetic, right? You know, to show that it’s wrong to cast others out because they look or act different from you? Nope! Nope, they’re all just evil! They’re manifestations of greed and hunger with no potential for redemption whatsoever. They’re not like our good, pale-colored lionesses who all look the same -- they’re dirty, and conniving, and they seek to creep out of the shadows and leech on everything the lions hold dear. I could very, very easily see how some vile, disgusting people could embrace such a narrative in this current climate, seeing themselves in the lions trying to “take their land back” from the shadowy, evil hoard of creatures who have come from outside to tear down their way of life. I can’t act like this adaptation added something that wasn’t at all in the original movie, as, let’s be honest, it plagiarized most of it...but perhaps because of how they reused this story and in some cases leaned into some elements of that story, this remake has very, very bad timing in when it was released. Those elements of the story probably wouldn’t have been read into it back in the 90′s, given the relative stability of the political landscape, but now? Now I could see how people could read it that way. It’d be like trying to make a movie like Independence Day, where national monuments get blown up, right after 9/11.

Looking back on what I just saw, I’m still absolutely stunned. Never before have I felt like my time has been more wasted than when I decided to sit down and watch this movie. I’ve tried to find shreds of praise, but whenever I try, it feels like I’m grasping at straws, only to fall back into a big pool of “blah.” I have never been so bored by a movie in my life -- and if there’s anything Disney, and especially Disney musicals, should never be, it’s boring. I would still say Maleficent makes me the most angry of Disney’s recent remakes, considering that that one openly insulted the original it was based off and this one is just clearly so up the original’s ass that it’s obnoxious...but this one was easily the biggest disappointment. I went in with almost no expectations, and yet still came out disappointed in the result. That, I think, says a lot. I could see someone who simply wants to see some cute animals and ride a bit on the nostalgia train enjoying this...but forgive me, but that bar is way too low. Disney is capable of doing so much better -- the true Lion King, the 1994 classic that broke records and surpassed all audience expectation, is more than enough evidence of that.

Overall Grade: D-

[a-doq]

lion king thinkpiece under the cut:

hoo boy lmao. i honestly really wanted to enjoy it! i wanted to have a fun time! the lion king is one of my favorite movies of all time. one of my earliest memories is watching it obsessively at home. it was my family’s first VHS. i got the platinum edition dvd as a birthday gift from my family when i was younger. i’ve seen the broadway musical. i’ve seen the movie several times before in theaters during re-releases. i had a fucking lion king themed sleeping bag, sweater, tool bucket, watch, computer game, pajama set, and christmas ornament.

so anyway this movie sucked. and that really sucks because the lion king means so much to me! i tried to enjoy it as much as i could. but by the end i was honestly bored and sick of it and just wanted to leave the theater and do something else.

i’m going to go scene-by-scene here and explain my biggest thoughts (so “spoiler” warning i guess lmao):

circle of life: whatever it was fine. instead of starting out with a loud yell and then the screen fades in from black, in this version there’s a static shot of the landscape that holds for like ~5 seconds before the sun starts to rise and THEN the yell starts. the first thing that honestly popped into my mind was “this reminds me of the teletubbies opening sequence” LMAO

Scar’s intro: new scar is mostly fine. the actor is clearly trying his very best and i appreciate that. it’s tough to take it seriously because it’s basically an ugly-ass CGI lion walking around talking about being evil and it kills my suspension of disbelief a bit. john oliver is annoying as FUCK as zazu which is super disappointing. obviously zazu was supposed to be annoying in the original too but he was also formal, respectful, neurotic, and caring. in this version he’s given some more dialogue that makes him sound like a complete dickhead at all times. james earl jones constantly sounds like he’s out of breath and is going to keel over. THAT in particular is super jarring because i know all of mufasa’s lines and delivery by heart and it just emphasizes how inferior this version is.

young simba: voice is fine. definitely upped the cute factor. BUT they also changed his character to be... stupider? and it honestly makes his character annoying. simba shouldn’t be annyoing! in the original simba KNEW that the elephant graveyard was dangerous but explored it anyways because he was immature. in this one he doesn’t even know that the elephant graveyard is dangerous because he’s stupid. he ignores what people tell him straight to his face and just acts like a dipshit.

stampede: ya lol. ragdoll mufasa is unintentionally hilarious. idk if any of y’all have seen the leaked recording but yes it’s just as bad. also, the point of mufasa’s death scene is that it’s simba’s first experience with death. in the original, when simba is tugging on mufasa’s ear to get him to wake up, you get the sense that simba doesn’t really understand what death is. in this version, he just lightly taps mufasa’s forehead, then immediately assumes he’s dead, and just accepts it?? ALSO, the cinematography of the stampede scene is weird. in the animated film, as soon as the stampede starts, the lighting and background transform from bright and sunny into extremely dusty, so that you can’t discern left vs right. in this version it’s STILL LEFT BRIGHT AND SUNNY WHILE SIMBA AND MUFASA ARE FIGHTING FOR THEIR LIVES which is like... fucking WHY. there’s a few jumpscare-esque action moments of mufasa getting the shit beaten out of him by the stampede which i actually liked and thought added to the tension of the scene.

timon and pumbaa: overstay their welcome, yet ironically are the only emotional magnets in the second half of the movie. i hope y’all enjoyed the hakuna matata excerpt that was released by disney, because that’s the only emotion you’re going to get out of donald glover in this entire movie. EXTREMELY important scenes to simba’s character are completely cut out and replaced with nothing:

-simba collapsing on a cliff in mourning after talking about his father living on in the stars

-simba pacing and talking to himself about why going back would be pointless, then screaming at the sky “you said you’d always be there for me” and crying

-rafiki whacking simba over the head, and teaching him that the past can hurt, but it’s important to learn from it.

-simba cornering scar, telling him that he’s a murderer and that he doesn’t deserve to live after what he’s done

also, all the emotional scenes that they DID leave intact feel hollow. not only do the characters not show any facial emotions (which has been bitched to death on the internet), but they literally DO NOT MOVE THEIR BODIES AT ALLLL. for the ENTIRE second half of the movie the characters are either just standing there or running in order to change scenes. the scene with mufasa’s ghost? simba just stood there THE ENTIRE TIME AND LITERALLY DID NOT MOVE. no shots of him gazing up at the sky, no shots of him running through the field after his father. the whole thing is just shot-reverse-shot. but because they didn’t bother to animate mufasa in the sky (it’s literally just james earl jones’s voice with a few shots of lightning), it just looks like simba is standing there, having a conversation with the fucking sky, like he’s having a schizophrenic episode. when simba returns to the pride lands, they didn’t even bother to animate his head looking around at the destruction. when mufasa dies, they didn’t even bother to animate his ears going back, or his body crouching, or his fur bristling, or his tail tucking under his legs... he just STANDS THERE while the voice actor is “crying” and it’s so awkward lmao. 

miscellaneous nitpicks:

-the movie is REALLY fucking quiet. it might’ve just been my theater, and i know that kid’s movies are played at a lower volume so as not to damage their hearing, but this was just abnormally low. i had a hard time even hearing the music half the time.

-the entire movie is very dark and unsaturated. “i just can’t wait to be king” is the most colorful the movie looks. everything after that is ugly

-pride rock looks extremely... short? and not tall at all? it looks like 10 feet tall at most. it doesn’t feel majestic at all. it just feels like some boulder.

-”he lives in you” wasn’t included in the movie even though it was released in the soundtrack... why? fucking why? the placement of that song in the musical is excellent and greatly enhances the story. but whatever i guess! gotta make room for a 30 second excerpt of beyonce’s song.

-there a weird scene included in the movie, where, instead of rafiki learning that simba’s alive through the wind, a literal tuft of simba’s mane falls out, is carried by the wind, GETS EATEN BY A GIRAFFE AND THEN COMES OUT IN A BALL OF SHIT, WHICH IS THEN ROLLED AROUND BY A DUNG BEETLE??? WHICH RAFIKI THEN USES TO LEARN THAT SIMBA IS ALIVE. and the whole thing lasts for like 4 minutes??? what the fuck??

-simba and rafiki exchange like 3 lines of dialogue max lol

-kids will be bored. by about 3/4 of the way through the movie all of the kids in my theater collectively stopped giving a shit and were just wrestling with each other on the floor

so yah. if you want to see a version of the lion king with all of the melodrama systematically stripped away for some reason, with all of the unique cinematography from the original replaced with shot-reverse-shot, watch this lazy remake.

at least my girlfriend’s seat was broken so the ticket guy gave us a free voucher to see another movie together in the future.

[creepykingdom]

The Lion King (2019) Review

By Kayla Caldwell

Ah, The Lion King, the beautiful reimagining of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, this time, in live action form. Before we talk about how dreamy the visuals are, let me just say upfront, the singing is weak. But we’ll get more into that later. The movie seems to start about the same as the 1994 cartoon. Rafiki (John Kani) holds baby Simba (JD McCrary) up to present him to the animal kingdom as the camera pans to stunning views of Pride Rock. Young Simba is cute af. Every time he or baby Nala (Shahadi Wright Joseph) were onscreen I couldn’t stop thinking, “I want one!” And I didn’t realize it until I saw it in action, but John Oliver was the perfect choice for Zazu, down to the scene in which the perturbed bird shouted, “IT’S THE NEWS!” emphasizing how immensely important that message was, after Simba had playfully attacked him while he was going over the day’s happenings with Mufasa (James Earl Jones). And for anyone, who, like myself, was terrified about the waterworks that would be set off during the stampede scene, this version actually moved past Mufasa’s death pretty quickly. I was prepping myself to sob in the theater full of people, but next thing I knew Scar (Chiwetel Ejiofor ) was yelling at Simba to run away, and we were already moving on. I’m grateful for that, at least, though I will say it’s still a pretty suspenseful scene. The music is LOUD and the sound of the wildebeests running is unnerving. Plus, the graphics are so good (especially in IMAX), that I almost raised my hand to swipe away the dust rising off of the ground as the animals charged. Watching this scene again in adulthood really made me question things. Why did Mufasa have to climb up to the top of that mountain? He seemed fine clinging to the side of the cliff. I mean, sure, I bet it was tiring, but how long could a stampede really last? Alas, even though I watched that scene like a naive child, hoping it would produce a different outcome despite knowing exactly how this story ends, Mufasa does fall. And he dies. And then… one last wildebeest runs by a trembling Simba, and all I could think was, same. That would be me in gym class, wrapping up the mile in a cool 12 minutes because ya girl has asthma and also is not built for running. 

After Simba runs away, he passes out in the desert, and there’s a scene where a group of vultures creepily circle before the cub is thankfully saved by Timon (Billy Eichner) and Pumba (Seth Rogan). Now, I’ve already said the singing in this movie is less than impressive, but it seems they tried to play up the humor to make up for it. And it’s not a bad effort. Timon and Pumba are hilarious. From the moment they meet the lion cub and introduce him to their philosophies “Life is meaningless” to Timon tactlessly asking, “What’s wrong… in as little words as possible?” The duo are a great comic relief. After teaching Simba “Hakuna Matata,” they mimic the montage from the original movie, where the little cub grows into a full-grown lion, all while they’re singing. And the meerkat and warthog joke about this in the movie, telling Simba enough is enough. Pumba jokes he’s gained about 300 pounds since they started singing. And Timon cries, “Now he’s riffing, Pumba, this is a nightmare!” There’s a scene around this time in the movie where a little pile of hair falls off of Simba’s mane, and floats down a river, and is picked up by a bug, and then a bird, and then the breeze, etc. etc. It eventually makes its way to Rafiki, alerting him that Simba has NOT died, and I get the visual impact they were going for - circle of life and all that jazz. However, as someone with thick hair that sheds about as much as a dog’s - this just made me think of when you have to clean a clump of hair off of your brush. Not exactly romantic. And as we all know, Hakuna Matata doesn’t quite work when you’re the rightful leader of a kingdom being thrown into disarray, something a grown-up Nala (Beyonce) reminds the wayward Simba. Their reunion sparks up a rendition of “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” that could be described as cringeworthy. I know! I know, how dare I disrespect Beyonce like that? But hear me out, I’m a huge fan. I saw her on the Formation Tour and it was like a religious experience. But this version of the song is weird and full of riffs and just doesn’t feel like that beloved Elton John classic I was looking for. My roommate, who is super into music, even covered her face with her hands during it. Not a good sign. Another big disappointment? “Be Prepared.” That’s a great effing song in the cartoon. And Ejiofor basically just talk-sings it. That’s actually the main problem with this movie, and likely all of the Disney live action remakes. They put together great casts, but the problem is that they’re more focused on star power than vocal ability. So most of the songs in this film - which are classics beloved by fans - turn into weird, almost rap-y talk-songs. It’s a little disheartening. 

Speaking of Scar, dude is scary. Visually, they did a really good job making him fearsome. He’s too skinny. His fur seems matted, and he’s just … wrong. It’s perfect. Typically, whenever I see a big cat (like tigers or, say, a lion), I’m desperate to pet it. I know I cannot, but boy, do I want to. But with Scar, let me tell you just how much I did not want to pet him. I wanted to stay far, far away from that guy, and that is exactly how Scar should make me feel. His lackeys, the hyenas, weren’t any better. I feel bad saying this, because I love all animals, but man, are those things ugly. They’re like deformed dogs that should be in Stranger Things or something. The way they shrieked when ripping up a carcass also made me think of the evil monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. So yeah, be prepared to be scared. (See what I did there?) The conclusion of the film really ratchets up the fear factor. While the remaining Mufasa loyalists fight off Scar and the hyenas, the rest of Pride Rock is ablaze, surrounding them with flames while ash rains from the sky. It’s very Silent Hill-esque, and creepy as hell. I challenge you to not be alert and enraptured during this scene. All in all, it’s a really fun watch. Was it groundbreaking, or honestly, even necessary? No. The cartoon still holds up. But, that being said, there’s a great group of talent here, and Timon and Pumba really are funny. And, if you’ve been craving a more realistic depiction of the royal lions, then this is perfect for you. The views are stunning, and the animals (Scar and the hyenas aside) are beautiful. 

They also got creative with the cinematography, adding some fun, new POV shots that really enhance the overall experience of watching the film. Long live the king.

(ALL IMAGES COURTESY OF DISNEY)