#the ballchinian from men in black...........

[sympathischeufos]

What level is the Ballchinian from Men in Black?

Image under the cut

Level 1: Eldritch horror with no appendages that might be a dong.

Level 2: Eldritch horror whose appendages have plausible dong deniability.

Level 3: Eldritch horror that definitely has a dong.

Level 4: Eldritch horror that totally has its dong out, but it's not the appendage you think it is.

[suledins]

this frame.... what nightmares are made of

[adamwatchesmovies]

Men in Black II (2002)

Men in Black II might have aspects which technically elevate it above a 0-star rating but it makes you feel so lousy and tries so little to do anything worth your time it earns itself the lowest rating a movie can get. It’s lousy in obvious ways and in surprising ways. You watch in disbelief.

After waitress Laura Vasquez (Rosario Dawson) witnesses the shapeshifting plant-like alien Serleena (Lara Flynn Boyle) interrogate and then murder her boss, Agent J (Will Smith, whose usual charisma is absent)  must re-recruit his old partner, K (Tommy Lee Jones) to find the “Light of Zartha" before it falls into the wrong hands.

I don’t know if the writers were so incompetent they couldn’t find something for Linda Fiorentino’s Agent L to do, or the actress read the worthless script and jumped ship. Either way, her absence is the first sign of trouble. You know a sequel has no idea what it's doing when its first move is to undo the ending of its predecessor. It’s all downhill from there. The special effects, for example, are not convincing. The makeup and puppets used are fine but anything CG is sub-par. The worst offender is probably the two-headed alien played Johnny Noxville. Maybe the editor realized how bad it looks, which is why his character just DISAPPEARS halfway through.

There's a scene which encapsulates the entire feel of “MIB II”. I could pick the bit where J and K get flushed down a giant toilet - it's that kind of comedy. Instead, we’re talking about the battle J and K have with a bunch of goofy-looking aliens. One literally looks like living dog poop. In fact, that’s what he’s credited as! After he’s dispatched, K attacks his next foe by kicking him in the testes except - and here comes the joke - the extraterrestrial is a ballchinian! That means his scrotum… is on his chin, not between his legs! Are you laughing yet? What if I told you he’s taken down by a Matrix-like kick, one of many?

It’s awful. Then, we get to the climax. There are at least three endings in a row and none are exciting. The idea was for everything to move so fast you wouldn't notice the obvious voice-over dubs and hastily reshot scenes. You’d think with all the crowbarred product placement throughout they could’ve scraped enough money to give us a proper conclusion, but no.

The only way to be entertained by Men in Black II is to look closely at every plot point that goes nowhere and piece together what this movie might’ve been. Not that there was any hope for it, ever. You’re better off pretending “Men in Black II” never happened. There’s a joke about a neuralyzer in there but I don’t have the energy to write about this sequel anymore. (On DVD, June 16, 2019)

[adamwatchesmovies]

Men in Black: International (2019)

There may be time for 2019 to recover but so far, the rule of thumb appears to be “if it’s a sequel, remake or revival, it’s gonna suck”. It’s been one lackluster franchise expansion after another and Men in Black: International follows suit.  This movie is bad AND forgettable.

After witnessing her parents being neuralyzed by agents of Men in Black as a child, Molly Wright (Tessa Thompson) becomes obsessed. Infiltrating their ranks years later, she makes a good impression on Agent O (Tessa Thompson) and Agent High T (Liam Neeson), who pair her up with Agent H (Chris Hemsworth). As they investigate a pair of extraterrestrial assassins, she begins to suspect the organization has been compromised.

It begins on a promising note. You like Molly (redubbed “Agent M”) and the idea of a civilian infiltrating this super secret organization is terrific. A scene in which H and M extract an arsenal of weapons from their car is sweet but otherwise... boredom and a lack of imagination is the word. There are hardly any jokes in this action comedy and the ones we get don’t hit. The villains are kept at an arm’s reach to give us some big reveals towards the end but I wager you’re smart enough to see the twists coming from the first few minutes in. 

What happened? Thompson and Hemsworth were so good together in Thor: Ragnarok. Here, they feel like strangers. Everyone involved in this production seems to have forgotten what made the first movie so good. The humor was found in the revelation that all those weirdos you saw in New York late at night actually were Martians. It made fun of the "swamp gas reflecting off of weather balloons" explanations; they were lazy stories from tired agents who’ve seen the world threatened from little green men daily. The franchise's personality is lost in this globe-trotting adventure which features lackluster creature designs and no edge at all. You could easily take every extraterrestrial out and this would be a generic, bland summer blockbuster - I mean one even blander and more generic than this one.

Men in Black: International features a lackluster story no one is going to latch onto or hold dear. Those coming to see a great comedic duo together again will be disappointed by a script which forgets to make us laugh. With the ending choreographed from miles away, you'll be left waiting for the heroes to figure out what you did an hour in. While you wish neuralyzers were real to erase Men in Black II from your memory at least you'll remember the ballchinian and two-headed Johnny Knoxville. This movie is so unmemorable it'll make you wonder if the last 2 hours of your life didn't get wiped from your memory. (3D Theatrical version on the big screen, June 17, 2019)