#the end is in sight which means im in extreme danger of losing motivation

[eusuntgratie]

word find tag!

tagged by @anincompletelist & @bigassbowlingballhead

my words are: gasp, eat, cooperative, brink, interactive

word: gasp wip: chap 13 of disaster (messy rwrb rpf fic)

“Taylor!” he gasps, but then he’s devouring his mouth like he’s as desperate for it as Nick has felt all along.

word: eat wip: firstprince outside pov exes to lovers

He’d known Alex was stressed, was stretching himself too thin, so he’d gone over to bring him dinner and try to bully him into taking a break to eat, fuck, and hopefully get some sleep.

word: interactive (we got interacting i'm calling it good) wip: elliott x marco (mariott?? is that what we're calling them??)

Elliott shows him the posh cafeteria, the mind boggling nap room, and the rest of the pertinent things he needs to know about the school, making sarcastic quips and barely interacting with him or anyone else.

i didn't have brink or cooperative

open tag bc i don't really know who's done this but also no pressure tagging @voxofthevoid @lostcol @jbarneswilson @winderlylandchime @magicandarchery

your words are: future, prove, crash, long, whip

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

[Part 1/5] Hi! I don’t know if I am depressed, but i’m unfortunately having suicidal thoughts because of my identity (not in danger on acting on them, just death ideation but it makes me feel awful). I fear what my family would think of me if they knew I was bisexual. It’s not easy to think that, even when I know I wouldn’t be disowned or kicked out or anything else, their perception of me will probably change.💜

[Pt2/5] I will no longer be the “golden child” of the family and maybe they won’t even compliment me any longer.  I am aware that, if that ends up being the case, i’m better off without people who don’t accept me for who I am, but it’s still an extremely painful thought because I don’t want to leave my family or lose their love. I’m not prepared for that and i’m not sure I ever will, but that might be a dramatisation on my part. 💜

Pt.3/5 I dont have any queer friends irl that I know of and I still don’t feel comfortable enough to tell anyone either. I have a therapist but I don’t feel comfy talking to her about this bc she said “oh yeah they want to be inclusive 🙄” some years ago about Tinder letting you choose your potential partners’ genders and also I live with my parents so I would fear that they could overhear the convo (but what i first said is my main motive for not telling her)💜

Pt 4/5 I don’t feel comfortable seeking another therapist now bc 1) pandemic 2) i dont want my parents to ask why I want that and also I still dont feel comfortable seeking for help irl because that’d make this more “real” i suppose. It’s very hard to embrace the reality that i’m not what I was supposed to be, even when I realise that type of thinking is BS. 💜

Pt5/5 Is there any way to cope with this better? I have an online friend to whom I talk to daily and they know im bi but i dont want to overwhelm them. I just don’t know how to cope with this. I can’t help but to wish I was “normal” sometimes. Everyone talks about being proud of their identity and I wish I could relate. I want to be me and I want to be proud too, but sometimes I am just distressingly worried about my future bc of who i am. 💜

You pretty coherently described an experience that I think a lot of queer people can relate to one way or another. If you read the message I replied to before yours for example you’ll see there are also some similarities. That is to say: you’re not alone. Your perception of “everone being proud of their identity” is a very skewed image of queerness. Of course there isn’t one universal queer experience but there is often only these two narratives: either you are miserable and hate yourself or you have the magical epiphany and are the most flamboyantly queer who doesn’t give any fucks about homophobic opinions.

Most queer experiences and coming-out processes (which includes self-acceptance) lies somewhere in the middle. Those super proud queers you think of? They probably went through some hard times. They were probably scared of coming out - at least to some people. They might’ve had doubts and fears. Queer pride is often a way to show to the world “look how far I’ve come” and not a “look at me, I never had any problems about being queer, I just magically accepted myself”. Obviously I don’t like it when suffering is portrayed as an essential part of being queer. Suffering isn’t and shouldn’t be considered inherent to queerness. But try to look at those “proud queer people” with more nuance and realise that you don’t know their story. Try not to think “I will never get to this point” but instead “who knows what shit they have been through but they got out of it and now they are out and proud”. Try to use it as an inspiration and not as some unachievable goal.

If you suspect that your therapist isn’t queer-friendly then I would recommend you try to seek out some kind of additional queer counsel. Maybe you have a local queer resource center that you can contact. A lot of them offer email or chat counselling as well because they know that talking on the phone can be risky when living with family.

Also try to get into contact with more queer people online, for example by checking out certain tags on tumblr or joining a discord server where you can talk to others, share experiences, vent and also just have some light-hearted conversations about your sexuality.

You know, your message reads incredibly self-aware to me and that’s a very commendable thing. You know pretty well why you are feeling the way you do and you can identify which aspects of your living situation and circumstances make life hard for you right now. Don’t lose sight of that. Remind yourself that your negative feelings aren’t your fault. And you will see better days. Even if it means being patient now and fighting your way forward day by day until you can move out, be free, be yourself... you’ll get there.

And as for your family accepting you? Maybe they will one day. People can change, they can grow and learn. There is no guarantee of course but it could happen.

Maddie