#the funniest part of meeting new people is realising that i'm not as amazing and talented as i thought

[no-face-no-shame]

[420pogpills]

yesterday i had a lot of trouble trying to understand why i was feeling so numb and empty. i was trying to understand why i was so hurt by dream's actions because he admitted to sending the cringey flirty messages. and i was struggling to understand why i couldn't get past this when i saw the messages myself and didn't really believe they were of predatory nature.

and today i finally realised the reason i feel this way is not only because of dream's actions - but also because of my own. because i realised that my skepticism from the very beginning was based around believing that this was so out of character for dream, and that he wouldn't do this, that's he's better than this, that more than likely this is fabricated... only to then have him admit that the messages were real, that he was personally contacting his own fucking fans of all people.. and yesterday his defence villainized these girls so heavily, and he wrote paragraphs upon paragraphs of words that had no real meaning... and with that i think i actually suddenly came back down to earth and realised i do not know this man at all. because not only did i never believe he would say the things he said in that twit longer - i never even fully believed he was actually contacting his fans in such a manner.

your own fucking fans dude. the young girls who would happily do whatever you wanted them to, if it meant getting your attention. as if that is not the first, most basic fucking rule in the book - that relationships between fans and the person they are a fan of will NEVER be impartial or equal. regardless of the nature of the conversations - they happened, and when we begged him to address it and we begged him to prove to us we weren't wrong for having trust in him.. he posts a whole essay where he danced around the topic and blamed everyone but himself.

now i know that this is what's really hit me the hardest. and this is why i don't believe i can come back from this and feel the same way about him again. because he betrayed more than just the girls he was speaking to. he betrayed all of us who never believed he would do that. he betrayed all of his friends, who i am hoping and praying from the bottom of my fucking heart did not know about any of this, and now it's going to heavily impact them too. especially george - he literally packed up his fucking life to move to a whole new country for dream.. and now i have lost all trust not only in dream, but in all of his friends too, because if i don't know who dream actually is as a person, how the fuck can i trust everyone else in that circle?

as of right now, i cannot see myself supporting dream now nor in the future. who knows if that will change, i like to believe everyone is capable of change. but i think a part of me knows that i'm never getting that same level of trust back that i had in him. on that same note, i am not condemning any of his friends with the hope that they were unaware of this, but i am most definitely taking a step very far back and taking my time deciding what i want to do next.

i will say i won't regret being a part of this community. because like red said - WE created this community, not dream. dream is not here on tumblr, we built this ourselves. and i have gotten to speak to some of the kindest, funniest, most amazing people i have ever had the pleasure of meeting. and i am so so hopeful that i will be able to remain in contact with at least some of you.

i will keep this blog, and most likely be re-branding like i've seen a lot of people do - and i want to remain to see the outcome too, because i feel like i really need to see this through. to everyone i've ever met on here - i fucking love you, and thank you for some of the happiest memories i've ever made in the last couple of years.

take care of yourselves ❤️

[benevolentslut]

The point of living in this world is the hope that maybe, just maybe, something wonderful might happen tomorrow, or maybe you'll meet your new best friend tomorrow, or see a beautiful/uncommon sight, or the chance to hear your favorite show is being continued, or a million other possibilities. Yes things feel like shit right now but if you're asking what's the point of going on? The answer will always be the possibility of experiencing something great soon. It might not happen super soon but giving up will only ensure that nothing else good can happen for you. And I hope that you get to experience so many wonderful things.

I know. Thank you for the sentiment, but, things really don't feel that way right now. Not when my best friend, and the love of my life, just committed suicide.

And his last request was that I promise not to follow him, and I made that promise, so. I refuse to ever break it. I refuse to disappoint him like that. Because he asked me to, I'm gonna keep going, and I'm gonna keep his memory alive and flourishing for as long as I live. I'm going to dive into everything he ever loved and try to see them the way he did, I'm going to try and be more like him in the way he loved everything so wholeheartedly. That was one of the things i loved most about him - no matter what or who it was, if he loved something, he gave it his whole soul.

He wore his heart on his sleeve constantly and that's something I've always admired. He was so, so brave to get as far as he did. The world was truly cruel to him for his entire life. He deserved better. He deserved better from everyone around him, from the world itself, and from me - i know i hurt him irreparably a few months ago and he did tell me that the way he's been feeling is in large part due to my actions. That guilt will stay with me forever. But that one promise I broke was far more than enough and I refuse to break any more. Despite everything he still loved me enough to let me prove I was trustworthy again, and we were close again, almost as close as we were before it happened. I know he'd forgiven me, but that doesn't mean my actions stopped having an effect on him, stopped hurting him. And that hurt is a big part of why he did this.

I can never fix that, and I can never fix this. He's gone now. I'm starting to accept that and starting to realise they're not coming back. And it hurts so much. And it hurts knowing I was one of his reasons, too. I hold nothing against him for telling me I am, though. If by some miracle it turns out his attenpt failed and he does actually turn out to be okay and he reaches out, I will feel absolutely nothing but pure relief and joy.

I'll carry his memory with me for the rest of my life. I'm going to treasure him for as long as I live. I'm going to do my best to love the way he did, and to explore everything he loved and everything that made him who he was. I already plan on having his favourite flower tattooed someday soon. He meant the world to me, he truly did. I'm going to honour him in every way I can think of because there's no way I can let the most beautiful soul I've ever known fade from this world. And because he deserves to be remembered forever, by everyone, as one of the most brilliant people to ever live.

One day when my time's up I'll see him again. But I promised him I wouldn't make that any sooner than it has to be. But venting my true feelings here - the world has, know it or not, just lost one of the most amazing people. One of the kindest, funniest, most beautifully creative people. He made every second I spent with him so much happier without even trying. Any time I so much as saw a notification from him, I brightened up immediately. I loved him, I still love him, more than anything. More than life itself.

I promised him I wouldn't end my own life and I refuse to break that promise. But a part of me can't help but feel there's no point to anything anymore now that he's not here. Like there's no point to continuing life if I don't get to share it with him. And a part of me too wants to just immediately go to where he is, no matter where it is, no matter what I have to do to see him again. I miss him so, so much. And it's only been 34 hours since his last message. I've missed him for months and we had so many plans together, so many things we'd talked about doing together. And I would've been ecstatic just to see him again. But now I'm going to miss him like this for the rest of my life. And that hurts beyond anything I can ever put into words. Almost every hope I've had for the future for more than a year, ever since we started dating and through our whole breakup and the whole healing process following it, has involved him, and now he's gone. I've lost my soulmate. There's nothing that will make that easier. I just hope that wherever he is now is a kinder, happier place for him. He deserves happiness, he always has. I wish he could still be here to get it in life.

I will write him a proper goodbye, someday soon. Whenever the hope that he'll just respond to one of my messages, or that he'll post something on here, and turn out to be okay, fades away. But I can't let go of that hope yet, so I'm just. taking things as they come. Trying to live. And I'm expressing my feelings on here while I do.

Thank you for the message anon, but you truly don't have to worry about me. I'm not going anywhere, not after I promised him I'd stay. If you want to help, spare some thought for him, some hope that he's happier now. That's all I'll ask.