#the grieving process is hard - i feel like it's harder when they haven't even left yet

[dredshirtroberts]

i'm just a dude and my mind is a NIGHTMARE

[amourkive]

CLOSE | JHS

a/n: okay I haven't written angst in a long time, and I wouldn't call this angst just...sad with a happy ending, I mean kinda? you'll see what I mean but, my angst writing is defrosting rn :/ mention of death btw oki. stay gold ⁷ -miri

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/ᐠ• ㅅ •ᐟ\

You had just gotten off the phone with your mother, with devastating news. You knew it was coming up to that point in life, but you had wished you had more time. Losing a family member, especially your parental figure hit a lot harder than you expected.

It took a lot for you to not fall apart on the phone with your mother. You promised to stop by to talk about things, and what the next step was. Then she asked about Hoseok and you had completely forgotten about him.

So now you sat in yours and Hoseok's shared apartment, just overworking your brain over every single thought that you had conducted in your head. You were so caught up in your head, that you hadn't heard the door open or shut close.

"Hey baby, practice was hell today." Hoseok muttered, walking over to you, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head, running his fingers through your hair. You focused back into reality, standing up, legs moving like jelly as you turned to face him.

"Hobi..." you started, not really knowing how to even bring up such news. He smiled, not seeing your face as he was busy trying to take off the layers of clothes he had. "yes? I'm sorry honey - I'm just really sweat-" "Hobi, my father passed."

The silence was quick to invade, as you watched Hoseok drop a piece of clothing. Without a beat, he was quick to be by your side, holding you in his embrace.

"What? Wh-I'm so sorry for your loss, baby." He muttered against your skull, holding you close, wishing he could take everything you're feeling away. You couldn't do anything but just melt into his embrace, letting yourself let go of the heartbreak you've been feeling since the phonecall.

Even though it was your father, Hoseok had obviously become very close with your parents. Visiting them when he had the chance, with and without you. His and your parents holding date nights together when they were free. Your father was like a second father to Hoseok, and how his heart was feeling from hearing the news, he couldn't imagine how you were feeling.

"Hobi" holding onto him tighter, your chest shuddered as another sob left your lips. You can feel his shaky hands rub your head and back, comforting as best he could. "I know, I know...let it out baby" was all he said, and it made it all that much easier to express your sadness.

It's been a month since then, and it's been a couple weeks since you guys held the funeral for your father. As much as you didn't like it, it was well needed. A closure you didn't think you wanted, but instead needed at the end of it all.

Hoseok watched you as you layed on the couch, picking at your nails. You didn't do much these days, not finding the motivation to do so. It was even hard to just sit and not do anything because then you'd just think a little too much.

But having Hoseok. Amazing, empathetic, Hopeful Hoseok by your side helped a lot. When days got particularly hard, he never pushed. Never got impatient, never tried to quicken your grieving process, gave you space when you asked, invaded your space when you needed.

You knew it was hard on him too. Differently, but still the same in cases. So when he found you crying behind the couch because you wished you could make things easier on him, he just cooed, picking you up from the floor, right into your bedroom, cuddling with you under the duvet.

"you're so cute you know that? Don't worry about me, 'kay? I'm okay, you just....you just focus on you right now, baby. I'll make things easier for you. you can rely on me for now."

You looked at him for a moment before grabbing hold of his face, smiling for what seemed like the first time in a while, "Thank you, hobi...you don't understand how much you've done for me, I appreciate it so much. Especially right now. Thank you for making it easier to wake up, and just function."

He couldn't help but reciprocate your smile. "of course, baby..." he muttered, pulling you closer to him, hand tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, "future's gonna be okay." with a small kiss to your forehead, you both fell into a comfortable silence.

A silence where your thoughts were finally quiet.

[unnamed-atlas]

I've been debating whether I wanted to say something or not. But it doesn't feel right to just go on blorbo posting or whatever without acknowledging it, especially considering this blog's orgins. So, here's some thoughts

Techno's death is a tragedy that is echoing all over the world right now. I know it hit me hard last night when I heard the news. And I know it's hit many others even harder. I wasn't sure what to do with the feelings that I felt last night when the news broke, and I still haven't been able to bring myself to watch the actual goodbye video.

This is technically the second time this year I've had to grieve the death of someone I cared about, which felt strange, almost selfish to admit to myself at first, bc I never knew him personally. I had the thought 'What am I supposed to do with this tragedy? With these feelings? I didn't even know him.' I even felt slightly guilty comparing the grief I felt now to my grief in October after the death of my friend.

But he impacted all of us in his community and many outside of it in tremendous ways. He was a positive light in the community. He and his friends got me through some of the hardest parts of my life during quarantine, inspired my creativity in ways I've never experienced before, brought me joy, and directly inspired the giant comic project that has been my life's work for the last year, and will likely continue to be my life's work for years to come. He did so much for so many people, and I know he knew it, because he took the time in his final hours to make sure that we were given closure. Made sure we knew that we meant as much to him as he did to us.

His death is cruel and unjust, but his memory does not die with him. He will be remembered. He will be loved. He will be missed. Watching the community come together in their grief in the last 24 hours has been a tremendous blessing, and has helped a lot with processing those emotions I wasn't sure how to handle at first. If you have cried in the last day, there are tens of thousands of people crying with you, including me. He may be gone, but this is not the end. His legacy will live on in the mark he left on the world.

Rest in Peace Technoblade. You did good.