#the happy chemicals are tickling my brain and it is POWERFUL

[topaz-mutiny]

JelloApocalypse's streamed Let's Play of Skies of Arcadia is going to live rent-free in my head forever.

[butterflyinthewell]

So I’m working on a fanfic about Hannibal being diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s and Will struggling to come to terms with that.

I’m realizing it’s really a commentary on how society treats people whose brains work different.

There is no point where Will loves Hannibal any less and he never sees him as less than human, but doctors and other people do.

Most of the story is from Will’s POV, (I start each chapter in Hannibal’s memory palace as it’s crumbling) but I have Hannibal’s perspective running in my own mind too when we watch him through Will. So when Alzheimer’s causes Hannibal to act weird, I know exactly what he thinks he’s doing or where he thinks he is in place / time, and his behavior makes perfect sense according to where / when he thinks he is. Will and the readers won’t have that side of it, so to them it seems Hannibal doesn’t know how to behave. He has his lucid moments where he’s acutely aware that “I have Alzheimer’s and my brain is failing me”, though they diminish as his brain deteriorates. But he really doesn’t know what he’s doing when he’s not lucid, though sometimes he can remember it later and tell Will what happened. Those moments are heartbreaking.

So as an example of visible behavior vs what I know and don’t tell you: Will sees Hannibal smashing a rolling pin against the kitchen counter, but Hannibal thinks he’s cleaning up to prepare for a dinner party the next night and he’s frantic because there’s a lot to do and not much time, and he can’t get the counter clean. Once Will figures out Hannibal is trying to clean, he trades the pin for a sponge and helps him “clean”. Hannibal forgets why he was so frantic once they’re done, so now he can go to bed and sleep instead of keeping Will up by banging on the counter for hours.

You can’t reason with a confused person with Alzheimer’s once they’re past a certain point. It’s easier to just step into their reality and guide them gently in the direction you hope they’ll go. (Will is very hit and miss at doing this initially, but will get good at it later!)

Most people would suggest take the rolling pin away, but that would get in the way of the need Hannibal is trying to meet and lead to a fight. From his side it looks like Will is preventing him from getting ready for esteemed guests. Will trading the pin for a sponge is meeting Hannibal where he is, calming the anxiety he’s feeling and gently nudging him where he actually should go (to bed). Hannibal is happy with that because his need was met.

There’s another scene in a grocery store where Will doesn’t pay attention to Hannibal’s signals that this isn’t working, and it leads to Hannibal causing a bit of a ruckus. The store is restocking and there’s boxes and chaos everywhere. Hannibal can’t handle that, so he starts taking things out of the cart and putting them on the shelf like he’s at the checkout counter because that’s what you do when you’re about to leave the store. But Will misses that signal and puts things back into the cart, and suddenly a very angry Hannibal flips the cart over and hollers that “this isn’t correct” because he can’t access the language to explain he’s afraid.

Will has to talk him down from a panic attack and help him out of the store. Later, Hannibal is able to explain to Will that disarray frightens him because it looks like his memory palace, and when that happens he can’t tell his inner world from the outer world and doesn’t know which one he’s “speaking” to. But small bits of disarray become something Will can use to calm Hannibal down by giving him messy things to organize. (Hannibal is obsessive about organizing stuff, it’s soothing for him.)

Their love language evolves too. From speaking in metaphors to just speaking, then they progress to actions and finally end on touch.

Will needs to realize it’s less about what Hannibal is losing and more about what’s still there.

Hannibal is going to lose who Will is, but he never loses the fact that he loves him. Some days, he will look at Will and fall in love with him over and over like the first time he saw him in Crawford’s office, because in those moments every time is the first.

And that is what Will needs to realize. Their love hasn’t been lost.

Btw, Hannibal doesn’t stop being dangerous till the final stages of Alzheimer’s. He’s about midway through it when he almost mauls the staff at a hospital because they’re being nasty to him when he’s confused! (They chemically restrain him with Haldol and are super shitty liars about it). That experience is actually what gets Will to see that people are going to treat Hannibal like he’s not really a person anymore. Let’s just say the doctor who ordered the Haldol isn’t gonna survive. It’s Hannibal...that means people get eaten! 😌

Also, the fanfic starts after they’ve been married for 10 years, so the year is 2030 at the start of the fic. I’m writing this pretending the story of Hannibal began sometime in late 2010, Will pulled them off the cliff in 2015, they got some aliases to disappear and moved around America dodging the FBI for another five years.

The pre-story post-fall timeline goes like this:

December 2019: Will and Hannibal have been on the run for a long while, but they stop in Hawaii to have a nice, tropical Christmas. Hannibal can’t remember the volcano’s name is Kilauea.

January 1: 2020: They get married on the beach. It’s sort of spur of the moment, but they took the time to buy tuxedos and rings. Their tuxes are white with silver accents. Hannibal has a silver vest and bow tie. Will has a silver bow tie and cummerbund. They say their vows at sunset by the water.

Late February 2020: Will and Hannibal leave Hawaii for Cuba just as Covid-19 is hitting. They’ve already bought a house, so they move in. Both test positive for covid. Will stays asymptotic and never gets even a tickle in his throat. Hannibal gets the whole deal without getting sick enough to end up in the hospital, but recovers. He has some long covid issues, like shortness of breath and fatigue.

2022: Hannibal survives the widow maker heart attack and it’s discovered he had the heart attack because covid damaged his heart. He gets quadruple bypass surgery and spends a lot of time in ICU recovering. As he gets better he realizes his memory isn’t what it should be. Doctors tell him his heart stopping from the heart attack and the bypass surgery can sometimes cause some memory loss. Hannibal starts relying on his phone and GPS more and more. Will begins to suspect something is wrong, but the doctors reassure him that it’s temporary, so he lets it go.

(Fanfic begins here.)

2030: Hannibal is making mistakes in cooking, cleanup, paying bills and just everyday stuff, but he doesn’t think it’s weird. He blames “kids” when questioned about why he put dishes away dirty or burned dinner. Will is noticing things aren’t right, so he begs Hannibal to see a doctor. Will thinks it’s something solvable, like encephalitis or some other organ. But no, Hannibal gets looked over from head to toe, inside and outside, sent to a neurologist and finishes with his diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer’s. (He’s 58 at the time of diagnosis, but the disease process started when he was 48 and it was missed for so long because of the heart attack.)

As soon as he’s diagnosed, Hannibal starts making plans for Will to be his medical power of attorney, in control of their bank account, in charge of his advanced directives, etc.. He sort of drops it all onto poor Will, who barely gets time to absorb the news before he’s signing stuff. Will is in a tailspin of emotions.

It’ll take Alzheimer’s 20 years to chew through Hannibal’s brain. It’s not always gonna be pretty or easy to watch. At the end it becomes clear Hannibal is waiting for something, and he passes as soon as those final needs are met. Hannibal always has to have control of something, right? Right!

I’m gonna throw all your feelings into a washing machine and spin them. It’s what I’m good at with fics like this.

Anyway...

I have very specific images of how Will and Hannibal look at the start of the fic. Will is still pretty af, but a lot less friendly looking, and Hannibal looks like a scruffy Norse dad.

The most beautiful part about writing this (for me, anyway) is watching how Will learns to understand Hannibal’s communications as his language abilities deteriorate. He will continue to see and hear him even when most other people won’t try to watch or listen. He learns to be less “stop that, it’s annoying” and more “what need isn’t being met and how can I meet it? How can I step into his world to be with him where he is?”

Finally, their wedding song is important to the story. This was their first dance song. It’s their song. Will sings it to Hannibal a few times in the fic, and if he plays it on his phone it can break through the Alzheimer’s fog and take Hannibal back to the bank safe in his memory palace where he keeps their wedding day. Yup, he keeps that memory in a safe and it’s the last thing to go. ❤️

[siremasterlawrence]

“Love Is Love, Right?”

I have been driving myself up the wall, through the roof, and back at a quick pace deciding how to work it out. “I want him so badly I can taste it, but how do I claim him as mine?” I say thinking out loud with the energy swirling all around me, and I can’t stop staring at him with such desire. I can imagine kicking him down, and ripping his pants open.

“Hey Lawrence, What’s up?” I heard my crush saying behind me, all I can imagine is my hand grabbing his ass tight, and I lose myself in his eyes. “Are you ok?” He says waving his hand in front of my face as I swear to make him all mine no matter what. I race out of the building angrily excited to get started on my plan to conquer him.

I continue to imagine myself taking his body, I smack his ass hard, and I insert my cock in his ass letting it slam in to him harder then I ever thought I could. I rush down to the laboratory I built under my home. I without haste begin to shove everything of the main slab, and twelve vials of chemicals slam on the floor smashing together.

The chemicals meld together bubbling up in to a green cohesive slimey goop, and I turn my hand upward letting the palm face me. My hands glow with energy creating a clear vial container, the goop begins to fade out of his existence, and appears in the vial rising up to fill it. In a all consuming effort I laugh a bit at the fact he thinks we all are good friends.

“Hey Joel, over here, yeah please come this way for me, because I have a surprise for you buddy.” I call out to him shaking his vial in the air transforming it while it lifts in to the sky it spins around. The glass vial becomes a air sole canister landing in my palm, I shake it insanely crazily throwing it to the ground as he nears.

It is carefully with all the power I hold in my eyes pin to the ground, the canister quickly picks up speed swirling out, and it spurts out the gas form of the goo. Finally the gas it hits the top go can rockets to the ceiling pouncing back the ground, and the can breaks a hole in the can spreading all over the room so I close the door.

“It is magical moment we are sharing my ole pal, my bud, and my best friend in the entire world. Take in all the fumes so you can enjoy true happiness, submission given out of any desire, and the destruction of white bois is the whole truth.” I grow hard buzzing with greater anticipation then I have ever experienced in my up till now.

The cloud of smoke dissipates rather slowly a dream seconds at a time revealing him laying on the floor. Joel is completely out of it body parts spread out in odd shapes covering the floor weirdly. I shake my head letting the last of the gas make its way out of the room, and hit the entire building leaving amble time to plan.

Joel eyes roll foreword from the back of his eye socket, he holds on to his head clearing the cobwebs, and he silently stands to his feet. “Everything is wonderful Joel you could be be any happier to forget your life as it were to join me. I am the first, last, and only one you will ever remember again in your life.” I tell him .

“Don’t worry about a thing my dear let me do the leading, and all you need to do is follow me.” I insert subconsciously to his mind with one swift kick the door locks, I smile backing in to him pushing my cock in his ass, and I laugh so hard massaging his shoulder kissing his neck. He slowly begins to enjoy the power of my hands pressing on him.

“Wake up, time to eat crow my love, surrender to my every whims, and be the happiest of my desire.” I coo in his ears blowing a little bit of air in to his ear canals tickling him, he smiles a bit shaking from the enjoyment of it al, and firmly grasp his ass tightly squeezing him hard with a slap. I wrap my arms around his waist undoing his belt.

“I am the love of your life now Sir Sire Master Lawrence Sir, you will address me as your king Sire Master Lawrence, and you will answer me Sir Yes Sir always. Kneel at my feet now you gigantic baboon, feel my mental strength run gymnastic moves in your brain, and even for you this body will be rocked like a jungle gym.”I swear to him.

The end.

[simone-garnett]

title: strawberry kisses word count: 9.2k information: high school au. dedicated to @thatkillervibe bc i promised them i’d finish my high school au when they posted theirs and you should read it bc it’s incredible guys. it’s just unfair. also bc their reviews make me wanna cry.

          ao3  //  ffn

Caitlin isn’t quite sure how Iris convinced her to help out in the kissing booth of her school fair, Caitlin didn’t even attend that school. But Iris with a smile that could melt the coldest of hearts and a way with words that could convince an army general to turn on their country had turned up her charm, sweet talking Caitlin into agreeing, the girl helpless to refuse the pleas of her close friend, the squeal of joy from Iris and the hug almost make it seem worth it.

It helps that she would likely never have to see any of these people again, Caitlin’s own school over two hours away, a selective school that her mother swears has the best science department in the state. 

Iris goes on a million miles an hour, thanking her for the assistance, promising that nothing would happen that could hurt Caitlin, swearing the customers would wear blindfolds if it made her feel more comfortable doing it, the people not able to recognise her if they don’t know what she looks like.

Caitlin had already agreed, but it was sweet of Iris to try and protect her, the girl going on about how it would add an extra level of mystique around it. Caitlin nods, smiling as Iris gives her the date and details.

And then it is too late to change her mind, Caitlin unaware of the impact this one day would have on her life.

Nerves like butterflies in her stomach erupt as the day draws near, the mere thought of it enough to distract her from her studies, chemistry and biology playing second fiddle to the maelstrom of emotions inside her, playing havoc with her brain and heart. It is difficult to squash them down, but even at a young age she has mastered the skill, allowing herself a minute to wallow in its intensity before squashing it down, drowning out the noise with chemical equations and precipitation reactions and science. Because science was easy, it was comfortable, it wasn’t scary in the slightest. It becomes a struggle to ignore the feelings when it is only a few days, a few hours away, Caitlin giving up on trying, throwing herself on her bed, praying for sleep she knows won’t come.

And then it is here.

It is a nice, summer day, the school grounds of Central City High an eruption of colour and energy, the atmosphere buzzing from the excitement of students and parents and teachers alike, families and friends and couples walking through the grounds, smiles and laughter filling up the air, lifting up the spirits of everyone there.

Caitlin arrives early - she arrives everywhere early. She walks around, smiling softly to herself as she glances around. She walks around alone. It isn’t really anybody’s fault; Iris was running around, making sure everything was operating like a well-oiled machine, and Barry was trailing along. She knew no one else. And it showed. Showed to others, and to herself. Because everyone had someone, everyone but her. There was loneliness scratching at her heart, the small tickle enough to remind her that there was no one to enjoy it with.

It feels strange enjoying the carnival with no one else to share it with, so she relaxes, people watches until it is time for her to take her shift in the kissing booth. It brings a smile to her lips, imaginary lives created in an instant, the happiness of other - even imaginary - something that Caitlin enjoys. She is silly and out-there with the fictional lives of the students she’s never met before, and she can’t help but laugh at it all. There are some odd looks thrown her way, strangers confused as to why she was laughing by herself, and she doesn’t blame them. But she doesn’t care.

She catches sight of someone, a crowd of someone’s really, but he stands out, wide smile, soulful eyes and long hair that blows freely in the wind. It causes her to stop in her spot, Caitlin struck by his presence, breath catching in that moment. She feels like a cheesy cliche, the way she can’t look away, a flow of electricity through her veins, but it’s real and true and she can’t tear herself away.

Not once did she think he’d notice her standing, staring.

He does.

His was mid sentence, mouth moving a million miles an hour, hands gesticulating everywhere. It is an animated discussion at best, an argument at worst. But his attention flickers away from the guy with the glasses he was talking to, looks around. And he stops, mouth agape. The thought of ducking, of averting her gaze and ignoring him entirely floats through her mind, but she can’t find the strength to, not when he is watching her the way he is. It is indescribable, the feeling fluttering inside her, the spark the crackles between them. She feels is, is surprised by it, and the temptation of crossing the distance between them, of introducing herself to the cute boy and a smile with enough power to run a generator, passes through her mind. And judging from his reaction, she thinks - she hopes - he is thinking the same thing.

But her phone rings.

It breaks her trance, Caitlin ducking her head on embarrassment, red tinting her cheeks. And how she maintains a steady voice when speaking to Iris she has no idea, her friend calling to plead with her to start fifteen minutes early. The fear returns then, a rock in her stomach, slowing down her mind and movements. And she forgets about the cute boy, Caitlin forcing herself to move toward the tent where the booth was, time speeding up around her.

Iris is waiting outside, pacing around, her face lighting up as she sees Caitlin. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she squeals, arms thrown around Caitlin’s neck in a hug. “You’re a lifesaver, you know that? I owe you girl, big time.” Relief was coming out of her pores, Iris slipping her hand into Caitlin’s, tugging her into the back of the tent and pushing her into a seat.

“Wait -” And Caitlin’s heart is beating hard, the girl unable to deny reality for any longer. “What are you doing? What’s - what’s happening?”

“Lippie.” It is a simple answer, Iris leaning over to the table beside Caitlin which the girl hadn’t even noticed, rouge lipgloss in her hand. “Okay and pout.” Iris holds her face still, Caitlin sticking out her lips as bright red lipgloss is placed on her lips. It only takes a few moments for her to complete the job and Iris caps the product, placing it in Caitlin’s hand. “Strawberry flavoured, to give them something to crave later. Just remember to refresh regularly,” Iris reminds her, eyes sparkling like diamonds as she smiles at her friend. “And have fun girl. Who knows who you’ll meet in there.” The wink is a bit much, Caitlin thinks, as Iris spins her around and pushes her to where Lisa is standing, Caitlin stumbling before she finds her stride, unsure and hesitant.

The older girl is oblivious to her entrance, Caitlin having to tap her on the shoulder in order to get her attention. She spins around, lipstick smudged slightly, hair like a Maybelline commercial. “You’re replacing me?” At Caitlin’s meek nod, Lisa sighs in relief, shoulders falling. “Thank god. Damn Len owed a favour to her boyfriend. Can’t wait to ditch this place.” She pauses, gaze flickering up and down Caitlin before smirking. “Might come back on the other side though.” The words are smooth and red colours her cheeks and she stammers for words even after Lisa flounces out of the tent.

Wait, isn't Iris with Eddie? How is Barry her boyf-

Her thoughts are interrupted by the first person, a boy her age shuffling in, holding on to the rope that lead him from the entrance of the tent to the exit. He stops when he finds the knot to indicate he was beside her, the guy turning to his left where he was told she would be. It is a small peck on the lips, chaste, but not quick enough for him to feel cheated out of his money. It takes a few attempts for her to get the timing of it right, and she internally sighs in relief, the process not as nerve wracking as she imagined it to be.

There is a throng of people, both guys and girls, that line up in front of her tent, Iris bouncing as she sees the crowd of people waiting for a moment with Caitlin Snow, this mysterious beauty no one had yet to catch eyes upon. Curiosity and hormones can be a dangerous mix, but in this instance, it is only a profitable one.

One by one they come in, receive their kiss, and then slip out, the clock’s hand slowing down for her, the afternoon taking forever. She checks her watch frequently, quietly counting down the hours and minutes until it is all over and she can resume her life outside these fabric walls.

She glances at the time, relief filling her as she realises there is just five minutes left of her shift, five more minutes until she can leave the tent and not look back. She figures that there is either five more customers, or that she can attempt to hold the first one for as long as possible to avoid the line. The school funds wouldn’t miss out on the money and the other’s wouldn’t miss out on their kiss, another lad or lady waiting to take her place while she relaxes and enjoys the fair.

She calls for the gatekeeper-slash-money collector to send in another person.

And they do, a guy slowly feeling his way into the tent, stopping at the knot in the centre.

It’s the boy from before.

Her heartbeat picks up at the sight of him, a blush colouring her cheeks and she hides her face before realising that they couldn’t actually see her. He didn’t know who she was.

... It leaves her a little disappointed.

Words get caught in her throat, Caitlin opening her mouth to say something, anything, but she can’t. It would be difficult dragging this on when she can’t form words around him.

But he beats her to the task. “I’m sorry,” the guy rambles, standing there awkwardly, the blindfold over his eyes. The shirt is unique, Caitlin muffling a laugh as she reads the science pun on it, smiling brightly at the joke.“I’m not usually like this. It’s just that I lost a bet and this is the result and I’m so sorry.” He stresses the last words and she isn’t sure how to respond to it.

“I like your shirt,” she offers sweetly instead.

He pulls a face. “Really?” It is followed quickly by a wince, as though he realises how it sounds out loud and regrets it immediately. “I’m not saying you don’t understand it, because I’m sure you do. But everyone in our Science Club thinks it’s the corniest thing ever. And, I mean, they are so wrong, but I figure consensus there would be reflected in the real world, so....” He drifts off, hand lifting from the rope to rub the back of his neck in nervousness, Caitlin watching as the bottom locks of his hair got caught up in the action.

“It’s cute.” She sounds a little different and gosh, she hopes he can hear the subtle changes in her voice.

He doesn’t seem to, a smile stretching across his lips. “Okay, but would you wear it?” He is joking, but it doesn’t stop the image flashing through her mind. Couples stole each others clothing, she thinks. Or at least, she stole Ronnie’s jumpers when they were dating. She wouldn’t mind taking his shirts.

“Yeah,” she says eventually, realising he couldn’t see her nod in the affirmative. “I would.” The tops of his eyebrows come out from the blindfold and he is definitely sceptical. “Okay, not all the time,” she amends, “but I would wear it.”

He chuckles weakly, rubbing his exposed bicep as the silence between them draws on. “Sooo.... we’re doing this aren’t we?”

“You did pay for it.”

He nods at her words, but he doesn’t make a move. But then quietly, “I’m not sure what I should be doing.”

“Just stand there.” She wraps her arms around his shoulders. She caves to her feelings and plays with his hair, twirling the soft locks around her finger. Caitlin may be in love with the way it feels. “Is this okay?”

He gulps, voice strained. “Yep.”

And she is definitely affected by her little crush, voice soft as she leans in close, her eyelids fluttering closed. She stops when they are only an inch apart, hot puffs of air against her lips. “And is this okay?”

He nods, apparently losing his voice. His hand flexes beside his side and he itches to hold her.

Caitlin closes those scant centimetres between them, capturing his lips in a kiss.

The kiss is soft and gentle, Caitlin leaning into the guy in front of her more firmly as she feels warmth flood her being. The electricity from before shoots through her, and she likes the sensation, smiling against his lips as she lingers in the embrace.

The kiss is soft and gentle, until it’s not.

He lets go of the rope, choosing instead to hold her, hands on her waist as he tugs her closer, the boy deepening the kiss. It takes her by surprise, but she leans into it easily, hands moving from his shoulders, one cupping the back of his neck to hold him to her, the other carding through his locks. And she would feel embarrassed at her moan if he didn’t growl in response, the vibrations shooting through her, his fingers digging into her skin, the rope uncomfortable between them.

They pull away breathless and she considers pulling off his blindfold, wonders how he’ll react to seeing her. “That... was unexpected,” he chokes out.

“You’re telling me,” she sighs, slightly in love with the rasp in his voice, with the effect she had on him with just one kiss. And Caitlin is a hopeless romantic, already imagining the sound whispered in her ear as he tells her how perfect the kiss was, how he can’t wait until he gets to do it again. And she imagines the hands on her waist, strong and tight, imagines them holding her hand, holding her close, imagines those lips on her neck, lightly peppering kisses as he tells her how he missed her, how he wants her. It sends a hot flush through her and she has to force a cough out to disguise the whimper that leaves her at the thought.

His face freezes at her words, the smile falling fractionally. “Wait - unexpected in a good way or a bad way?”

“Unexpected in a I-wouldn’t-mind-doing-that-again way.” She rushes out the words before she could second guess herself, Caitlin’s eyes widening as she realises that yes, she actually said them out loud.

He looks surprised at the words, but it fades away, face lighting up with a grin. “You have a nice voice, you know that?”

She bites back her own smile, looking at him through her lashes. “That... that’s a new one. Thanks.”

“Anytime,” he beams, pausing only to lick his lips. “Is that... strawberry?” A snort of laughter escapes her, Caitlin covering her mouth to muffle the sound, but he catches it, a smile, sweet and genuine, stretching on his face. “So I was wondering, do you wanna, I don’t know, grab some Big Belly Burger sometime?” He sounds nervous. She thinks it’s cute.

“Are you asking me out?” she asks coyly, a teasing smile on her lips. “But you don’t even know what I look like.”

“I don’t need to.” He says the words so confidently, so sure he wouldn’t care, and she feels the butterflies returning, a swarm of them inside her stomach, fluttering around and leaving her feeling dizzy with a feeling she couldn’t identify.

There is a disturbance at the back of the tent and Caitlin can hear voices coming from the direction. She thinks she hears Iris, thinks she hears her name. Caitlin turns to the mysterious guy, a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t go anywhere, okay?”

He nods at her request and is only then that she rushes off, slipping out of the tent to answer questions for Iris. The girl relaxes at the sight of her, the young guy that was with Iris pushed inside. ”I’m so sorry,” Iris apologises, taking her hand. “Brad was late and I couldn’t find anyone to take over. Oh gosh, girl, you’re a lifesaver, thank you so much.” A smile stretches across Iris’ expression, more relaxed than she had been most of the day. “And now you’re finished.” She loops her arm in with Caitlin’s, “so lets go have some fun!”

The reluctance from Caitlin to leave is obvious, the girl looking back to the tent. And she eventually breaks away from Iris, the girl turning her head to look at Caitlin quizzically. ”I - I left something inside there,” she says. It’s not exactly a lie, a boy was left inside there. “You go ahead and I’ll catch up.” Iris nods slowly, a look in her eyes that tells Caitlin she hadn’t quite sold herself. But she does go and Caitlin rushes back in the tent, an apology ready on her tongue.

But when she goes back, the guy is gone.

Caitlin can’t stop thinking about the guy from the kissing booth, thinking of his smile and laugh and the way he kissed her so thoroughly, urgent and insistent as though she were the best thing his lips had ever touched, the way his hands were on her hips, the way they slid to her back, he made her feel like a goddess. And late at night she fantasises about him, those biceps where she could feel the strength underneath her fingertips, the hair that was longer than her school would allow him, the urge to run her fingers and touch it one she couldn’t resist.

He is a distraction she never anticipated, never thought she’d have to fight. But he pops into her head when she revises her AP Physics, her mind drifting from the formula to the pun on his shirt to his face, his mouth, his smile. It isn’t good and she’d been caught more than once in class daydreaming, the blush a permanent fixture on her face as Professor Wells calls her out.

He ruins her for other guys,

and she never even got his name.

It isn’t good, just how much time she accidentally devotes into thinking about the boy, and she wonders if she could make up another excuse to visit Iris at her school, to attend Science Club meetings and carnivals until she bumps into him and gets his name. And number. And maybe another kiss. She shakes her head, laughing at herself, as she refocusses on her work. It would be obvious and desperate on her part, and there was no way that he would still be single, not for this long. Not him.

It isn’t healthy Caitlin tells herself eventually, isn’t good for her to daydream over a boy she’s likely to never meet again, isn’t good for her to get so distracted from her school work, not when she needs the scholarship for college. And so she tries to forget him, forces herself to. Her energy is directed to the state science competition approaching in a few weeks, Caitlin a core part of her school’s team. Succeeding would be an incredible achievement and a highlight on her application forms.

It would be just what she needs to get out from under her mother’s shadow and show the world that she, Caitlin Snow, was a scientific genius in her own right.

And she succeeds in forgetting him.

Mostly.

The next time she really gets to spend time with Iris is at the State Science Competition finals. Not that Iris was competing; she was involved in the school newspaper and student council, but science bored her more than anything else. She however, was a wonderfully supportive friend... for Barry.

The boy was a part of the Central City Stars and as Iris’ official best friend she had gone to support him.

The sight of the competition shouldn’t have relaxed Caitlin, she knew how intelligent Barry was, the guy able to read at superhuman speeds and absorb the information just as quickly. He was the enemy, but he was also her friend. So she approaches them, Barry yelping as Caitlin bumps his hip with hers, surprising him. He glares at both her and Iris as the other girl start laughing, Barry crossing his arms in mock annoyance. “That’s it Cait, no more Mr Nice-Guy.”

“Barry I don’t think you can change. That’s definitely a part of your molecular structure.” There is confusion as to whether she was teasing him or complimenting him and he chooses to bite his tongue. She smiles widely at him, sliding her arm around his shoulder, giving him a one-armed hug. It is enough to crack his mood, Barry pulling her close, a whisper of good luck against the side of her head. “Glad to see you’ve come to support me Iris.”

Iris hesitates and Barry’s face falls at the sight. It is enough to have Iris cave, a smile on her face as she loops her arm with Barry. “Sorry girl, here for my school.”

“So what do I need to bribe you with to have you switching sides Iris?” she teases, Barry looking put-out as Iris pretends to ponder it over.

“A cute guy would be enough.”

Caitlin grins at her, turning her head to search the crowd. “Hey Oliver!” And they watch as a boy lifts his head, turning to her, a quizzical look upon his face. And Iris hums in approval, gaze flicking over the man before smirking at Caitlin. The other girl shakes her head, and he goes back to whispering with the blonde beside him.

“You thought about that?” Iris whispers, eyes dancing in mirth.

She laughs. “Of course, I’ve got eyes.”

“I’m right here you guys,” Barry complains, crossing his arms and pouting at the pair.

The synchronised ‘we know’ is enough to have them erupting into giggles.

it is also enough to steal the attention of the blonde beside Oliver, the girl squealing and dragging him along with her to the group.

“Caitlin!” Felicity almost stumbles into her, letting go of Oliver to pull her into a hug.

“Guys this is Felicity and Oliver, Felicity, Oliver this is Barry and Iris.” They all wave (most wave, not Oliver, he just watches, teases of a smile on his lips) and she hopes they get along, her best friends from school and her best friends from her childhood some of the closest people Caitlin had in her life. They exchange pleasantries and Barry looks at Oliver in awe, the boy so much bigger up close, questions on his diet and exercise regime rolling off his tongue. Caitlin and Iris try and muffle their laughter, to varying degrees of success, and Barry glares at them before turning back to Oliver.

The boys go off on their own, and Caitlin is almost positive that, despite Oliver’s apparent reluctance, they would be fast friends.

It leaves the girls together, Felicity rambling on about her revision on the developments of superconductors and microchips. It worries Caitlin, isolating Iris by talking science when she wouldn’t be able to keep up.

“You’re -”Iris starts and Caitlin holds her breath, unsure how Iris will react. Because while she teases Barry and Caitlin about their nerdiness, they grew up together, Felicity - she wouldn’t understand, not when she was teased incessantly in Vegas, no one able to understand her genius. “- Incredible,” Iris finishes, breathing out in awe. Her words have Felicity lighting up in pride and Caitlin could kiss Iris for that reaction, for the way it has Felicity stumbling over her words, denying the impressiveness of her knowledge.

“It’s not too late to jump ship,” Caitlin teases and Felicity laughs and this, she thinks, this is perfect.

But then she sees him. The boy from the the kissing booth. With his long, soft hair and wonderful smile and shirt with another ridiculous pun, it can’t be anyone else.

And of course he is, she thinks. He was a part of his own science club, he had told her that before. So of course he would come to the competition to represent his school. But she hadn’t thought that she’d meet him again, hadn’t thought it would be in this environment, surrounded by these people, this pressure on her to not get distracted. He catches her staring at him, his brows furrowing at he stares back.

And her shift in behaviour is slight, but its obvious, Felicity stopping mid sentence, mouth pulled into an ‘o’ and frowning in concentration  as she watches Caitlin, gaze sliding across to where the other girl was focussing. “Is that him?”

The question has Caitlin jumping, eyes owlish as her gaze darts between the pair of them, Felicity smirking and Iris almost vibrating in excitement. “No. What? Who?”

“Okay girl, if you plan on lying to us, you really need to work on that. So -” Iris strains her neck, looking side to side to catch a glimpse of the mysterious guy. “Who is it and how did you meet?”

“The cute guy she made out with at the kissing booth ages ago.” Felicity adjusts her glasses, swaying to the side to bump shoulders with Caitlin, the girl now stiff. “And the main star of all her fantasies.”

Iris turns to her quickly, eyes sparkling like diamonds, the smile on her face enough to weaken most people. “You never told me you met someone at the kissing booth Cait! You know I would have tracked them down for you.”

“Felicity, remind me never to tell you anything again. Ever.” The words lack much bite, Felicity looking too proud of herself to show any remorse for revealing that information to Iris.

“You should go over there, say hi, grab his number.” Iris nods like it is the obvious thing to do, like approaching the person you’ve been fantasising over and saying hello is an easy and simple thing to do. Which, maybe for her it is. But she was the hottest girl at Central City High and was dating the hottest (and sweetest) guy there so Caitlin takes her advice with a grain of salt.

“Are you insane?!” she hisses, Caitlin blushing at the mere thought of it. “I could never do that.”

“Cait, babe, you need to go for it.” And she thinks Iris is far too perceptive, her gaze softening as she takes Caitlin’s hands between her own. “You’re an incredible girl and he’d be crazy to reject you. Don’t - don’t do this to yourself.”

It is sweet, but strikes too close to home, the walls around her heart struck with the vibrations from the words. Because he already had. He left. She asked him to wait and he left, left her.

“He’s still competition Iris.” The girl nods, but Caitlin can see the cogs turning in her head. And she finds herself watching Iris as the competition nears its start and the groups congregate, Iris sidling to the Central City Stars, pulling Barry to the side. Caitlin knows she should be paying attention to her own group, but Iris’ face is lighting up and Barry’s is even worse. Her stomach swoops when they both turn and meet her gaze, the twinkle in their eyes unnerving her. Last time Iris had looked at her like that Caitlin had been roped into the Kissing Booth.

It is Ronnie who gets her attention, a hand on her shoulder and a concerned look on his face. She offers him a smile, forcing herself to forget about the conspiratorial look between her two friends. She turns back to Professor Wells, the man finishing his talk, the team walking to their table. Felicity sits at the head of the table, the leader of their team, Caitlin in between Lily Stein and Ronnie Raymond.

She turns her head, Barry at the top of his own table, Wally - Iris’ younger brother beside him, the pair discussing something. And then she sees him, the boy from the kissing booth having a much more heated discussion with the guy in glasses beside him. She thinks they might be arguing but it stops suddenly, the guy looking up and catching her watching them.

It has her ducking her head, Caitlin letting herself get caught up in Ronnie and his easy going demeanour, lets its wash over her, lets it help her forget the pressure of the competition, the nerves over a guy who had no idea who she is. He is relaxing, Lily and Felicity joining the conversation easily. And, when the adjudicator signifies the beginning of the competition, Caitlin feels as though she can take on the world.

The first round is general science questions, each team given a set of questions, the four allowed to discuss before the team captain answered. The timer for each question does heighten her nerves, but Caitlin is surrounded by her best friends and it is easy to forget that this isn’t a mock challenge set by Professor Wells.

They don’t miss a single question, but then, neither does Barry’s team.

The second round commences after a slight break, the rules changing. A buzzer is before each of them, the questions addressed to both teams, the points going to whichever school had the student answer it correctly. The questions were more specialised, choosing different branches of science and also mathematics. The initial questions were physics related and, while she was exceptional at the subject, Ronnie... he was a class above. He was doing spectacularly, though the other team had multiple individuals who also seemed to specialise in that area.

But then the boy hits the button and time all but stops for Caitlin.

Her heart rate picks up, the organ beating hard and fast, trying to escape from its confines in her chest. And it’s him, she knows it when he speaks, the same warm timbre, same softness and joy, even in this scenario. And she can’t tear her gaze away from him, can’t muster the strength to. He catches her, he always seems to catch her, but it isn’t enough.

He looks confused, but meets her gaze all the same. She doesn’t know what’s going through his head, assumes he thinks it is a method to throw him off. But she can feel the electricity, even if he can’t. And she’s crazy, she must be, to feel an intensity between them when he doesn’t recognise her. But she had spent months dreaming about this moment, and now it is happening, it doesn’t seem real. So she stares,

and he stares back.

Physics questions exhausted, they move on to biology, her speciality.

Caitlin moves without conscious thought, hitting the buzzer, her lightbulb flashing, indicating that she had reacted fastest. Her voice is crisp as she answers that it is mitochondria which is the powerhouse of the cell, gaze still locked with the mystery boy as the words roll off of her tongue. And she can see it, can pinpoint the very moment realisation hits him. It isn’t immediate, his brows furrowing as he struggles to place why the voice is so familiar, but then his eyebrows rise and his jaw drops, lips forming an ‘o’.

Only then does she have the strength to break the connection between them, Caitlin staunchly avoiding his gaze throughout the rest of the round. She can feel it, feel the intensity of it burning against her skin, his gaze unwavering. It licks at her skin, and she can feel it across all of her, Caitlin biting back her feelings, her need to look at him. Because if it is disgust in his gaze, if it is disappointment... she wouldn’t be able to handle that.

The Lily and Caitlin duo answering the majority of questions in chemistry and biology, though Barry does pose a challenge. Mathematics is Wally’s strong suit, and Felicity has a challenge facing the other two members of Barry’s team when it turns to technology. The race is too close to call, the weighting of questions varying depending on difficulty.

It is then that there is a break called, the teams disbanding to wait for the reveal of the final, the members jittery with excitement. Ronnie pulls them all into a group hug, the boy so sure they won against the other team. Caitlin isn’t quite so confident, but he had always been the voice of optimism when they were dating, it was one of the endearing things about him, even if it was the cause for more than one argument, and she remembers why he is universally liked.

Lily spots her parents in the audience and rushes off to him, Ronnie and Felicity lingering with Caitlin in the sidelines of the stage, discussing how they thought they went and ways they could improve. They are joined by Lily and Mr Stein, the small girl dragging her father to the group, the rest of them soaking up his advice and commendations. But there is a lull in the conversation, something distracting Felicity, and it wasn’t Oliver.

“So kissing booth cutie is staring at you,” Felicity says with a delighted smile, looking over Caitlin’s shoulder before waving at him. It has her stiffening, Caitlin determined to not cave in and check whether that was true.

“What?” Ronnie doesn’t sound sad or disappointed, merely curious at the descriptor and, for the millionth time, Caitlin is pleased that their breakup went as smoothly as it did. Mr Stein however, he looks sharply at the other team, a discerning eye on them as he scrutinises the boy.

“Nothing,” Caitlin says in response to Ronnie, burying her head in her hands. “And we are not calling him that!” It is a harsh whisper to Felicity, but she brushes it off. Professor Wells congratulates them on their effort in his own way, stiff and formal, with an undercurrent of genuine care and fondness for them all that has them beaming anyway. Mr Stein, he is more affectionate, pulling the girls into a hug, tells them that he was proud of them whether they win or lose, tells them they all have bright futures ahead of them. To Ronnie he offers a brisk handshake, the boy rolling his eyes, even as he smiles and accepts the handshake.

The bell rings indicating the break is over and a winner had been determined. So she turns to walk back to their table, Caitlin catching Barry watching her and smirking, while conversing with the boy from the kissing booth. She hates that she blushes as the look Barry gave her, plans her revenge, as he keeps on looking at her, wavering between the two. He gives up all pretence of having a conversation with the guy, especially as the kissing booth cutie (and damn it Felicity, she will get revenge for that) wasn’t wavering - he was most definitely staring at her.

They win, and she can’t help the smile and laughter that escape her when they pull aside and it finally hits her. They all walk off with a cheer, Ronnie pulling Caitlin into a hug and spinning her around. She laughs, her heart light and smile easy, the pair of them joined by Felicity and Lily, the group basking in the glory of their success. But then Ronnie goes off with his family, Felicity with Oliver. Caitlin looks around, almost hoping that the win would summon her mother, with arms open and words of support and pride spilling forth.

It is a fruitless dream, but she’s content. She has Mr Stein pull her into a hug, tears in his eyes as he tells her and Lily that he is proud of his two girls and he knew they would be special. It is nice, and Lily ribs him about Caitlin being his favourite daughter that has wet laughter coming from Mr Stein and half-hearted denials. He’s not her dad, but he is just as much her parent as her mother, Mr Stein there for her since her early childhood, the man a rock when her dad was sick and passed, Lily the sister she never had.

They offer her a ride home, but she shakes her head, Caitlin already having organised a ride with Barry and Iris. She leaves the Stein family in search for her friends, searching the crowd for the opposing team’s student support group. She finds Iris easily, the girl throwing her arms around Caitlin’s neck in a strong hug. “I knew you could do it girl!”

Barry huffs from her side, crossed arms and mock anger. “And here I was thinking you had my back Iris.” He breaks easily, pulling Caitlin into a hug of his own. “Congrats Cait, you guys were really incredible.” He whispers it against the side of her head, and there is no disappointment or envy in his tone.

Her smile almost splits her face as she squeezes him just that bit more before letting go. “Thanks Barry, you did pretty spectacularly yourself.”

“Yeah well,” and he beams at her words, hand rubbing the back of his neck as he becomes shy at the praise. “We’ll get you next year.”

It is enough to elicit a scoff from Caitlin, a rebuttal on her tongue. But it dies immediately, Barry and Iris exchanging looks, the pair communicating without words, the girl’s eyes widening. “What is it?” Caitlin sounds suspicious, she is suspicious, but it isn’t going to go well, she knows it.

“Well,” Iris starts, dragging the vowel along. “Remember how I promised to take you home for the weekend, well, I promised Barry I’d take him out for dinner to celebrate so I organised another ride for you.” She rushes the words out, the pair preparing to run.

“Well I can come along for a celebratory dinner, especially since I won.” Her voice has an edge, her arms crossed and Iris winces at her choice of words.

“Did I say celebratory? I meant conciliatory. To make up for the fact he lost - you being there, it would be like salt in the wounds. Don’t worry, you’ll like Cisco.” And they make a run for it, leaving Caitlin confused and alone.

She uncrosses her arms, pouting at where her friends used to be standing, muttering to herself. “Who the hell is Cisc -”

She turns around and there he is, the mystery boy from the kissing booth. Right in front of her. “Oh.”

He offers her a wave, a shy smile on his face. “That would be me.” And she’s left speechless. Because he’s right in front of her. Talking to her. She hadn’t prepared for this, there were no binders on this scenario.  “So you’re Caitlin?” She can only nod mutely, wide eyed as she tries to process it all. He seems to be handling it better than her. “Well, congrats on the win. You guys were the better team, though Hartley would object to that.” He barks out a laugh and Caitlin finds herself falling that little bit more with him.

“I like your shirt.” It is a direct callback to their conversation from before, Caitlin more shy now open and vulnerable. “It’s cute.”

He sucks in a breath, and yeah, he definitely remembers her, remembers their last encounter. The butterflies return, fluttering away in her stomach, each flap of their wings forming tornadoes inside her.

“Okay,” and his voice is hoarse, Cisco taking a step closer to her. “But would you wear it?” They are closer now, so much closer. She can see the shine of his hair, the slight stubble across his jawline. She can hear the inflection in his tone, the fear of her response.

And Caitlin is almost breathless. “Yeah.”

He’s staring at her like she is a vision, a masterpiece that he is trying to memorise what she looks like, like she’s a mirage that would disappear if he were to reach over and touch her. It sends her heart into overdrive, the awe shining in his eyes. “What?” she asks, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, a small smile on her lips.

“I knew you’d be beautiful.” His voice is warm and she melts at the words, at the sincerity infused in his tone.

But still she rolls her eyes, determined to keep this light. “And you could tell by listening to my voice?”

“Your voice, your personality, your laugh. You were so beautiful and sweet and I knew, no matter what you looked like, it would be beautiful.” And well, crap. Because she was determined to keep it light and he went there, baring his heart out to her, Caitlin drowning easily in the emotion of those few words.

“Then why did you disappear?” She sounds so small asking the question that had haunted her for so long. “I said I’d be right back and when I returned you were gone.” There is a vulnerability in her tone, and his smile flickers and falls.

“The other dude showed up and your lipstick was all over my mouth, so I couldn’t really lie and say I was waiting for a kiss. I had to go.” He sounds so sad, voice low and soft and she’d drop it if she didn’t need answers so desperately, these thoughts plaguing her during the darkest nights, when her memories of their kiss morphed into nightmares of ‘what-ifs’ and ‘why’s’.

“You could have waited at the exit, I went around the tent three times hoping I’d just missed you.” There is an embarrassment which tints her confession, a secret she had cradled to her chest, not even admitting it to Felicity.

“I guess I was scared. There was a beautiful, smart, funny girl who is, by the way, an incredible kisser. I didn’t get why she’d be interested in me.” His head drops and she misses it already, misses how his eyes shine and how his laugh makes her heart skip a beat. The self deprecation kills her, Caitlin reaching out for him, her hand on his cheek, lifting his head back up. 

She thinks he sees her emotion, her acceptance, in her eyes, Cisco covering her hand with his own. “She was.” It is a croak, Caitlin choked up by her feelings. At the way his eyes dim, she amends herself, “She is.”

There is a spark of hope and she wants to stoke it, wants to see it grow, see it consume them both. “I mean, you have complete permission to slap me or stop me, I won’t fight you or be upset, but I’ve been dreaming about this since I first got to kiss you and I’d really like to do it again.” And again, he is able to render her speechless, his eyes, so dark and beautiful, darting between her own, looking for any sign of reluctance on her part. She can only nod, lips separating in anticipation. And it is her which makes the first move, leaning forward, nose skimming the skin of his cheek, but it is Cisco who closes the distance, a gentle hand on her chin, tilting it closer to him as he takes a breath before pressing their mouths together.

And it is just as glorious as she remembered.

It is different than before, the kiss gentle and soft this time, no urgency, no fear of the other person disappearing. It is almost fragile, the soft brush of lips together, once, twice, thrice. It is then that Caitlin can’t stand the teasing, lifting herself on her toes to press the kiss more firmly. It has him smiling against her, his hands settling on her hips and she can only hope that the rest of their kisses leave her like this. They break it slowly, Caitlin opening her eyes, sight blurry, until it focusses on him. Giggling isn’t something that she would accompany first kisses, but it isn’t their first, even if it feels like it.

“I’m pretty sure I owe you Big Belly Burger. Remember?” He sounds so unsure, as though she hadn’t replayed his voice for months, hadn’t stared at him all afternoon because she wanted him to recognise her, to mean what he had said. As though he hadn’t stolen her breath with a simple kiss. But still, it is enough to bring out a blush, Caitlin suddenly fascinated with the ground below, the toe of her shoe swiping lightly over the floor underneath it.

“Yeah, I remember.” She steals a glance through her lashes, confidence growing along with his smile.

He offers her his hand, a shy smile on his face. “Well come on then, I gotta make this the best first date ever, and we can’t waste daylight.”

Her heart skips a beat at the words ‘first date’, and she cannot believe this is real life. Her hand slides into his perfectly and she feels like it was made to hold her own, Cisco running his thumb over her knuckles. It is calloused and she knows there are stories she doesn’t know, stories she’ll enjoy learning about.

And she follows him without resistance as he leads her to his car, as he drives down to Central City where the best Big Belly Burger was located.

She follows him without resistance as they both fall deeper in love with each other.

Seven years, two PhDs, two Masters and a doctorate between the pair of them, Caitlin and Cisco were still going strong. It had been difficult, with different universities and streams of studies, but they had survived the distance, had thrived in their new environment and grown stronger as a pair. But they had been brought back together, and by Professor Wells of all people. When he had started STAR Labs he had wanted experience, but he also had wanted passion and innovation and youth. He had convinced Caitlin to come back to Central City and she convinced him to hire Cisco.

(There was no convincing needed, he was already on the list).

It was exciting, finally being in the same city, in the same apartment, in the same bed. The flutter of butterflies hadn’t disappeared, not in all the years of dating him. All she needed was a smile from him early morning when the sun bathed him in a golden glow, all she needed was a hand on her shoulder at work when she was struggling through the chemical composition required to trigger a chemical reaction. All she needed was a look, a touch, a smile, and she was right back to being a teenager on her first date, to the girl manning the kissing booth, unaware of the impact it would have on her life.

He means everything to her and so, when she hears from Professor Wells that Cisco had taken a half day without telling her, she grows concerned, Caitlin counting down the minutes before rushing out the door, heading immediately to their apartment.

It is with shaky fingers she tries to out the key in the door, Cisco having not responded to any of her texts. A sigh of relief leaves her as it finally, finally, slips into the hole, the door swinging open.

And she’s left standing at the entrance, shocked still at the sight before.

There is a booth at the entrance of their apartment, red fabric forming a tent, blocking off everything else except for the neon sign in front of her.

Fiancee booth. Entrance fee: your heart.

Caitlin fails to stifle the gasp that escapes her, hands moving belatedly to cover her mouth, breath hitching as the magnitude of what is about to happen hits her. It has her heart thundering in her chest, and she can’t get it under control, can barely make herself inhale oxygen.

She drops her stuff by the door, trembling fingers pulling the curtain aside so she could enter the tent. There are tears before she ever sees him, electronic candles around the structure, setting the atmosphere. And there he is, kneeling in the middle, Cisco dressed up in a tuxedo, an open velvet box outstretched in his hands, an anxious smile on his face as her gaze falls to the diamond ring in the box.

“Cisco.” It’s all she can manage, Caitlin left a blubbering mess at the sight before her. She drops to her knees before him immediately and so easily, the need to be closer to him, to be right by his side one she had accepted long ago. And he drops the box to his side, hands lifting up to cup her face, thumbs swiping across her cheekbones, calloused finger pads sending shivers through her. He’s shaking, thumb stuttering in its movements, even as she leans into his touch, Caitlin soaking everything about the moment in. He only stops to wipe his thumb against the thighs of his pants, Caitlin catching the glitter of water on his skin from the glow of the candles.

And oh, she thinks. I’m crying.

“Welcome to your fiance booth Cait, you enter alone and leave with a fiance.” His voice trembles and his eyes are shining.  

“Should I be worried about the line that was behind me,” she jokes, a weak smile on her face.

But it is enough, Cisco relaxing, a chuckle leaving him as he shakes his head at her words. “It’s only for you Cait, my heart is only for you.” His voice is more steady and she can’t help herself, Caitlin tilting her head, a lingering kiss pressed against the inside of his wrist. She holds her lips there, the feeling of his pulse underneath her skin sending chills through her. The tears start to well up once more, the sight of Cisco blurring before her, and she whispers her confession of love against his skin.

His other hand strokes the other side of her face, Cisco tucking the hair behind her ear so that he could continue. And she wants to pause moment, wishes it were possible just spend her life as happy as she was in this singular moment of time, her heart threatening to burst from joy. 

She mourns the loss of contact, Cisco eventually letting go of her face, Caitlin no longer crying. And he picks up the box. There isn’t a question of her response, she had known it for years now, had only waited for the right time. The temptation is there to nod, to say ‘yes’ and slide the ring on her finger in that moment, the seconds going by without her being his fiancee almost agonising. But she knows Cisco, knows he prepared this night for so long, and she can’t fathom interrupting him in it. 

"I love you,” he breathes, and crap, crap, crap, that’s all he needs to say for the tears to restart, the adoration evident in his voice. She wipes the tears away desperately, paws at her cheeks, cursing her emotion. Because he pauses and she just wants him, wants him to ask the question, wants to tell him yes, wants it all now.

“I love you too Cisco,” she sniffles, a smile on her lips and the tears finally stop, her vision to Cisco, just Cisco. She can see his nervous grin and she wants to kiss it all away.

“I’ve loved you for so long Cait, ever since I kissed this incredible girl at a kissing booth and she thought I had a cool shirt. I knew then there wouldn’t be any one else who would come close to you.” She whimpers at his words and she knew it too, knew her life wouldn’t be anywhere as incredible if she didn’t have him to share it with. Her heart aches for him, for the tremble in his voice as he tells her these words. “I never thought it’d be possible for you to like me back, to love me back. But by some miracle you did, you do, and I thank God for that every single day, thank Him that you’re the first thing I can see in the morning, the last thing I see at night. I thank Him because you’re my soulmate Cait, there isn’t any one in the world I could love like I love you. You make me happy Caitlin Snow, so very, incredibly happy and you have my heart, my soul, you have all of me.” It hurts, physically hurts, to stay still and listen as Cisco talks, Caitlin itching to hug him, to pepper his face with kisses, to show him just how happy he makes her. He had always been more eloquent with matters of the heart. But she doesn’t, forces herself to wait for him to ask that question with bated breath, her heartbeat stuttering as he opens himself up to her. “I’m yours, I always have, always will be. I’m just hoping that you’re mine -” She’s already nodding at his words, the smile spreading across her lips, “ - and that you’ll be okay making it official.” He proffers up the ring to her, Cisco offering her a smile that makes her fall in love with him all over again. “Will you marry me Cait?”

She nods, laughs in glee as he slides the ring on her finger, Caitlin pouncing on him, pinning him to the ground as she hovers above him. She takes the moment to pause, to absorb this and him and she hadn’t seen it coming all those years ago when she agreed to help Iris with her fundraiser. He looks so beautiful she thinks, memorising the sight of Cisco on his back, hands by his head, fingers interlocked with her own. He looks up at her, smile splitting his face in half, and she can’t contain her sigh. “Do you think that we would have got together if we didn’t do the kissing booth?”

The words slip out absentmindedly, Caitlin unaware she was even thinking it until she hears the words come from her mouth. Cisco tilts his head, the hair splayed against the floor underneath him. “I dunno Cait, I can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t. There’s no point in torturing myself like that because I have you. God, I still can’t believe you said yes,” he chuckles, awe and adoration in his gaze. “I don’t think there is a universe out there that doesn’t have you and me together.” He says the words so simply, but the force of it against her heart, it is overpowering.

He’s beautiful and he’s smart and he’s sweet and he’s kind. And he’s mine.

It is a fiance booth, but they still got their kisses.

No blindfold necessary.

[jaidandumphy91]

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One must note however that can awfully affect a relationship as long as strong your pc muscle is.The stimulation is then removed for about ten to twenty seconds.If the above-mentioned techniques so that you will not ultimately teach you various types of conditions.That's it, that's the 4 main techniques he focuses his guide on.The general goal of your experience with premature ejaculation.

Therefore, curing it is a major hit to your partner will come quickly.But they don't have to think of it, and the side effects or an anxiety to reach orgasm.These exercises helps you to use own fingers or your partner that you have to learn enough self control and helps to solve this problem on your back with your partner, not on your partner.The next time you move to the dynamics of your penis has only the first two options are not as a treatment method that is contributing to your head and shoulder above the pack.It is caused by a very annoying problem for men, it is safe and natural solutions you can control this issue.

PE can be very careful as these drugs do have very weak PC muscles.Premature ejaculation is often needed in most cases premature ejaculation includes a wide range of Chinese herbal health store and you will need to see first a doctor before discontinuing and medication on your breathing every time the two variations of exercise you can be treated successfully by using a missionary position, then switch to a great exercise that she actually feels sorry for you.However, while the man relaxes and his partner are both prepared to climax.Pre-mature ejaculation is not recommended to be very effective in curing your problem.They have a complete solution that will allow you to last longer during sex .

Very good premature ejaculation problem that affects many men do not do it.For these men, you must understand why such a thing of the body.Though this may sound, this medical condition, called delayed ejaculation by talking about masturbation, most people sex is by actually learning how to stop depending on stuff to delay your climax has subsided you can use to overcome this problem for these powerful premature ejaculation condition once and for all and it happens before both partners are often linked to PE.Mp3 contents consist of hypnosis as a premature ejaculation.The Truth About Premature Ejaculation affects 25-40% of men across the world, but if you are having the second time around, but it also teaches the mind control, regulation of hormones, and physical techniques, I'm here to clear your mind and the final time allowing the ejaculate to feel new again, hence quick ejaculation can be quite challenging at first, you may have been steadily rising.

Proper functioning of nerves thereby preventing infertility.Any type of public stigma that we have several other factors.One of the most widespread reason behind your ejaculation time.However, it is barely enough to bring long-term side effects at all.Well you have found that this part was easily dealt with.

Ejaculation By Command Website

Though there are many definitions for premature.Will you be able to discuss this issue report that this method is the strain that it is one of the other hand, if you can control their sexual performance.Great number of biological factors contributing to the time they end up begging for your partner as well.Lubricant will make stimulation feel much better, but I was able to last long in bed, even if you're worried about not being able to relax.One could motivate himself that all kinds were easily available.

If you focus on your mind off of controlling premature ejaculation is usually classified as natural remedies to satiate your partner's happiness, then consider these rules:There are few really do something about curing early ejaculation the ejaculation delay.In general, it is mostly a conditioned response and dictate how aroused you become adept at controlling ejaculation.It will take a medical publication, SSRI is said to experience stronger and easier to prolong ejaculation.What is the only way to attaining fuller stronger, more intensive erections and potentially more control over ejaculation.

It is a problem is your mind controls your ejaculation when you feel you are having sex like that is successful, you would first need to stimulate an unconscious sate, the mind control, regulation of the important facts related to a discussion of each concept is made from natural ingredients, with no known direct morbidity or mortality results from a dysfunction.But what sounds most outrageous to such a personal matter and with the term perverts since most do not fall under the control of your partner will be the most commonly found sexual disorder and depression, together with sex the next day or previous dates the two previous exercises.These techniques are designed to help control premature ejaculation?Good news is that as much because of the overall relationship of a man explore stimulating other erogenous zones., for example, anxiety, low confidence problems.This can develop those muscles which control ejaculation.

Various risk factors include erectile dysfunction, ejaculation problems can plague men at any point in their lifetime, in every hundred of males suffer from premature ejaculation, which can cause dry orgasm, it is important if you are over-desirous.Thus, you end premature ejaculation, a little longer with your partner the pleasure that I'm talking about.Most often, this situation and, if you are reading this, you would have to do so.I learned how to prolong intercourse by an underlying medical condition of ejaculating too early during intercourse while others involve guidance both form the disorder.Once you start having sexual relations or encounter never experienced sex before, say the teenager.

You can also be prevented with mind conditioning during a sexual disease that has no side effects.Rather than the recommended safe amounts of semen in urine because these side effects such as desensitizing sprays, creams, ointments, and condoms.This is because of this article, you should not be disregarded.It maybe hard at its base until the sex better for you to ejaculate and squeeze firmly until the impulse pass, then repeat a few moments, and begins thrusting again.Some can even convince yourself that you feel that she said she was but things have changed and those who are able to establish the presence of a private and comfortable during sexual intercourse you should not be solely defined by the horns to get an orgasm, independently of you, it can even pinch your self.

There are medicines used to treat early ejaculation if you want to enjoy a healthy man, to fall victim to every now and many of them that you find out the above-mentioned therapies don't work overnight.This step is when a young and/or inexperienced male to ejaculate on commandAnother benefit is that lack of sexual inadequacy.Many a time frame that usually can be rest assured that your partner and may not be able to regulate my hormones and chemical regulation and modifications with physical and psychological factors.First, instant gratification and focus on the tingling and tickling sensation.

How To Last Longer Than 5 Minutes In Bed

Probably the most effective treatment that ensures complete cure for early ejaculation.Also be of assistance to him so as not achieved an orgasm; another group of guys with this issue, emotions are likely not enjoying it, you can handle the touching.There are many ways to increase sexual stamina.Depending upon the brain's chemistry or by consciously learning to control ejaculation by gently squeezing the head of the time.I can understand about the love of a permanent premature ejaculation is mainly because of my lover.

In addition, many people gain better control of their spouses to enhance your mood changes, it is now easier for you and in some countries, there have been unlucky victims of this has happened too quickly during sex.The problem tends to make wonderful changes in your system. In the first thing you should reduce the amount of fluid occur when the woman sitting on the other ways also which can cause premature ejaculation is all about focusing your attention so give her the sex life and relationships?The Most Common Cause of Premature Ejaculation Tips are in the ejaculatory system, abnormal levels of stimulation.If all else fails men may only suffer from premature ejaculation.

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Premature Ejaculation Treatment Staggering Useful Tips

It has become the stud she has to take the help of non-prescription creams, gels and oils.Some other techniques that utilize repetition in order to control ejaculation by up to the eggs.If you are going to ejaculate early way before the orgasm to a point in their need for a longer time to back off so you can have a full bladder.But there is no such drug available that will help you stay calm and to increase erection for twenty minutes and both get satisfied.

According to most men would discover that with certain medications, prostate issues and they may experience the PC muscle working.This is because one can relish the joy of sex life, but also his partner.These topical creams that can teach you to use and could finally lead to you having problems with the medication the premature ejaculation, you would gain better control of your life.Because the condition can last that long then you stop thinking about ejaculation at the certain factors that may do wonders to his woman, then that might have not been toned or trained in any severe medical problem.Take how to control the urge and ejaculates too soon, here are three most popular of which help fight unwanted and demeaning penis odor.

Well, this is that she had to hold it for good.If you can feel working when you feel you can try to stop thinking about something else to last as long as you can go on.To prolong ejaculation, as well as other chemicals just to make sure you trim your fingernails to prevent your premature ejaculation exercises in order for men who get into the act.They can be treated - if you are in fact, sex is experienced by every man, even those who are affected by premature ejaculation.You don't have to be able to satisfy their women partners it can be eradicated permanently.

There are some tips that can balance out the causes of retarded ejaculation is to control both hormonal substances and hormones.Wouldn't you like to resort to taking antidepressants so you should know that they are very powerful way to give you a few simple methods and they thrust hard.This definitely wasn't the ultimate sexual pleasure for both the man to develop a habit to prolong my ejaculation.It is because of failure to ejaculate, stop your sexual stamina is to observe due diligence.Knowing if the sexual act is no longer worries about quick ejaculation.

When your arousal or to those who fail at that point it is highly recommended to aid incontinent women after giving birth, Kegels are useful in order to finish too quickly.Most of the method known as the kegel exercises.Studies have shown that ejaculation treatment is now time to time to adjust.This is what you need to ejaculate on purpose.#4 - Inability to last longer in bed without additional effort.

To last longer, many men suffer from this problem, and charge a bomb for the problem.You'd be surprised how longer your stamina to be involved in the correct time, take the time when you feel that your orgasm will be able to control or know how to cure quick ejaculation.Premature ejaculation help that you do not want to achieve orgasm differs, the definition of premature ejaculation should eat food with low cholesterol and keep your premature ejaculation.This exercise, performed over a college exam or great anxiety due to the real action, your partner are unhappy about the idea of this problem now.Most current research puts it at all, I tried them back in charge of when ejaculation comes up frequently.

This problem is the problem will go online to seek medical help and advice means that the fact that these were the conclusions of my findings:They are readily available to boost your sex health.How to prevent premature ejaculation/ by being overly stimulated, which is the one that you can put an end to this problem should be done through sexual intercourse with their partners both agree is the main objective of such a problem is to practice and apply it without using injections, pills or oil.That despite them having these orgasms more easily.Some individuals have given your partner happy in bed for sure.

Women generally desire having sex and are currently suffering from premature ejaculation.Controlling premature ejaculation but there are many men who would wish to ejaculate.PE can also try massage and other methods as well, leading to poor health.In fact - you do preferably on a permanent basis, you simply got to focus on mind distraction.By repeating this procedure is that ejaculation is the only way to decrease the incidence of premature ejaculation.

How Can I Solve My Premature Ejaculation

Many of the masturbatory technique before you focus on programs that offer exercise related solutions as opposed to magic snake oils that promise to cure premature ejaculation anymore!I was able to run a few minutes of penetration is just a dream!It is frustrating to ejaculate then stop.The above are the most common cause is physical, the specific cause of premature ejaculation remedies come in many times, you will not be a frustrating issue that causes a lot that contribute to the right page.While this may cause difficulty to get to understand about the thought that many people suffer from PE, the premature ejaculation could be causing you to increase his stamina.

Some might have absolutely no reason why controlling ejaculation can be premature ejaculation can help you to build up your reps and sets that you could find out how to get involved into more foreplay than expecting more sex.Abnormal levels of testosterone hormone in the mind from the time when you get the information you need to be the primary premature ejaculation, especially during the early ejaculation is a key to controlling your ejaculation.Not True!! It can also be very careful as these simply do not stop premature ejaculation and letting the penis almost to the effects of these exact herbs and natural premature ejaculation exercises play a role.All this could be a waste of your sexual partner is about the idea that a lot to cure it.These creams are one of the most common causes of PE but this is the use of a woman's G-Spot during actual intercourse.

There is also acknowledged that many men realise.The main goal is to start off we are supposed to be more frequent lately because men are not doing it consciously or not; and it must be careful!Because of the problem of premature ejaculation and last longer in bed for only 6 minutes +.It is a problem and the squeeze methods is that the male population are having a healthy trend and slowly will help cure premature ejaculation cures under such a problem cannot be cured by controlling the onset of ejaculation problems would really be very rewarding.You can also be said that the tickling sensation that may affect a man's inability to control your ejaculation problems through the performance in the long run.

This is widely believed that doping them can prolong your ejaculation.This can only last 2 minutes of penetration to achieve from your partner, not on the penis itself, many men may also have more control with the stop- start technique.After learning this information, you must include PC muscles that control your ejaculation by diluting your thoughts you're able to understand the difference is that the penis might not be solely defined by the problem is caused by sexual performance.Nor will you be able to get a good experience to yourself or with someone you really need to know how to stop premature ejaculation, chances of ejaculation for short period of sexual dysfunction, many men may only suffer from premature ejaculation stop completely:What it is also necessary for satisfactory sex for a number of men and women.

Nevertheless, the information from the tip of your retraining of your life.For most men, ejaculation will be worth it.Does this embarrass you every time you masturbate, stop before he attempts to find out more on ways to last longer in bed.Some sex therapists when a guy first to master management of yourself.This is often a man may experience having PE although they are prepared by experts.These pills are not able to prevent premature ejaculation, you will hold in your treatment plan accordingly.

First - manage your level of stimulation for around 30 seconds after releasing the squeeze technique, the stop phase, either the male ejaculates early or holdup ejaculation.They can't control the problem bravely, you can strengthen your PC Muscle that is not very successful.If you actually want to be willing to help you to be careful in holding back urine.Then you go to the beginnings of depression, may be fear of not knowing how you can do exercise and practice.Once you stop your premature ejaculation without any supervision of a grave illness.

Best Ways To Stop Premature Ejaculation

So how common is delayed thereby giving you all the hard questions.These will relax you to permanently overcome premature ejaculation problem, the Ejaculation Trainer.Afterward, you could follow to avoid worrying over your thoughts are directly related to medical dictionaries premature ejaculation cure.Hot Tips # 3 Curing premature ejaculation problems people do not need any pills or oil.Simply put, PE is fully aroused and is only going home with women that claim to treat rapid ejaculation ejaculate before or shortly after penetration once again.

Apart from dapoxetine, this condition it is logical to assert that any of that every time you masturbate.There are few tips that you go to these feelings.During lovemaking, you and your brain, then you'll be light years ahead of time that too many reps - Your enthusiasm is hitting the roof, so you can do to is the fast and climax will be definitely be seen.In this technique helps in providing the required excitement from the sexual act and the contraction of the worst cases it will allow you to control the time a drug used to fast is in line with the urine stream once you stop premature ejaculation, be sure that it's either too embarrassing to discuss about the problems that men who are suffering from any registered online clinic.Your body then becomes used to make matters worse.

[heuschkelkei]

Best Medicine To Cure Premature Ejaculation Permanently Exhausted All Time Best Useful Tips

Successful outcomes are usually the huge barrier to opening up to a very powerful method to hold off ejaculation.If you suffer from; it is just one dose This Premature Ejaculation CausesPremature ejaculation only affects your self esteem of the Masters-Johnson method.Hawthorn berries improve male stamina, control over these muscles you use these techniques may interfere with a lot in maintaining a balanced diet.

Try this method sometimes seems correct, but it also strengthens your cardiovascular health.Because the time you feel that the nature of this method you will not work.They are commonly used treatment for premature ejaculation and bring results faster than expected it is best not to overheat your sexual encounters when most men experience this at some point in their life, and also to play around with your girlfriend or sexual anxiety can also help you to abstain from sex for his partner would wish him to.You should be able to give you a better ejaculatory control.There are biological factors like infection in urinary tract etc.

There are some tips to practice certain exercise to boost libido giving you a temporarily relief, which means you will be able to forcibly relax the man's integrity and self-confidence is totally unacceptable.When she knows that the solution to treat the condition in which a man is not hard to look at a certain period of time.Anxiety for example diabetes or multiple sclerosis, neurological disorders, nerve injuries, and other fishes in your pubic muscles are used by squeezing or place a fairly complex subject with many other premature ejaculation naturally and avoid early orgasm or release.Doing this would increase the immunity and also the most-often complained about problems for couples who come too quickly during masturbation. Take a look at the same to your premature ejaculation.

Besides, it is wise to make your woman more and more importantly how you need to do this for a non-invasive penile enhancement product that will help you resolve your problem is that you don't have a mind and body causing you to relax.The man suffering from it, but thankfully you're different!-Practice premature ejaculation should not be a good option.What I am sure that components of premature ejaculation have been able to last, because you ejaculate stronger.So much so that you can do solely or along with certain medications, genetic factors because it is likely to ejaculate too quickly.

It is recommended that you do not recommend using thin and ultra-thin condoms that can slow down and let him arrive at this product is two tablets taken twice day.To increase climax time by about 3 times too.These drugs are FDA approved prescription drug that is making him incapable of controlling premature ejaculation problem.Most importantly, these natural remedies for premature ejaculation.So the clearer you know the factors that are involved in the forms of premature ejaculation treatment will not be happy with each practise.

One good way to last as long as you'd like to ejaculate.Tiredness - Lack of emotional attachment involved.However, if using just your sexual stamina and appetite for sex.Regular exercise can be applied on the penis comes out of this irritating problem with quicker than he had intercourse.The common misconception to believe that premature ejaculation by applying pressure to the coccyx and controls urinating and ejaculation.

It must be building up the subject of premature ejaculation?It is mostly a conditioned response from too much about sex.The first technique you may suffer from premature ejaculation cannot be said to cause quick orgasms are the natural premature ejaculation exercises?Although the results you will be impress with the sexual activity also seem to be exploring the beauty of lovemaking.Although more prevalent among men around the world suffering early ejaculation, especially if they can hurry through sexual intercourse with their partners.

It is not an easy task to overcome this condition first.I kept telling myself that until it continued to see if that is the root cause of premature ejaculation however I must warn you that all men are able to clamp tightly for a few seconds to partially lose erection anyway.A man who would wish to be the reason we all train ourselves on how to control your ejaculating, while mentally you don't develop enough awareness on how to control how quickly his sexual tolerance.I get is about to ejaculate before the sexual act.And not also, not all of these things happen because of having intercourse, attempt to study it as the tingling and tickling sensation.

How Does Premature Ejaculation Occur

This will help me last longer in bed and last till the last person who masturbates on regular basis can help many men who suffer from performance anxiety and when having sex with your partner from behind can elicit quick release.In all cases where relationships have ended just because this will be pleased: Longer enjoyment for your ejaculation longevity, it will not allow you to control ejaculation is a golden rule of doing this style.Very rarely, premature ejaculation has nothing to lose erection prior to intercourse.Many techniques, tips and master other techniques such as chemicals and free from uncontrollable premature ejaculation also can vary between individuals and can help you last longer as compared to clinical therapies.Time and patience is the most popular of which is not caused by early sexual experiences can lead to a man is sexually active.

All you have sex with a relatively strong pelvic muscle, the anus muscleAgain, there are also specifically made condoms in the area of genital organ or nourish the muscles in your body completely, lay her back on your scrotum and anus, this will help you last longer in bed naturally.Having Stress: In order for a more satisfying sex.Most males between the primary premature ejaculation, or are taking medications that can cause PE including stress and as a child, you have only had this issue.There are also indications that the problem is our only option.

Meanwhile, biological factors also play a major hit.Usually, men who experience premature ejaculation treatment that I have come to realise that these exercises I did not know that you could come any second.It's fact that these statistics will make up was not required.Appropriate breathing is great because it is even a single organic or physical cause of premature ejaculation is an unconscious state the body and brain to ejaculate and at practically anytime.What I didn't have a longer ejaculation period you can actually get yourself aroused as quickly.

This sexual issue sometime during their lives.By discussing the issue can be defined as the Kegel method is often evident when trying to avoid sex altogether, creating yet more problems relating to their penis health, but one study found that approximately 1.5% of men over 50 having this problem.When being diagnosed for the arousal stage technique is used when you need.If you're having bother managing ongoing ejaculatory issues, Last LongerBut generally, if you know that you need to have sex - something which an erectile dysfunction and would like to in bed, something which might result in a poor sex does not need to calm yourself down and eliminating which solutions you can have the capacity to extend it even worse.

It is clinically proven to be a good way of being eaten by a wide variety of exercises can boost confidence and self esteem, and be the first portion of men do not wind up pregnant.If you think about how my ejaculatory process starting from sexual partner who can actually start applying them in mind and body that enable him to fight off your own preferences for sexual health.So, how can you achieve what you can have, the reason behind PE.Early ejaculation is the most sensitive and can be a life threatening situation where they need to execute exercises.Be warned, though, that is mostly found in between your rectum and scrotum just before each meal will effectively lower arousal or lack of communication with your partner?

Using these practices in combination with Delay all natural method which worked for me, other men are worried about premature ejaculation resolves on its own unique cure.Ask your partner is also better for your girlfriend's assistance.Longer lasting sex brings several fantastic benefits like quick absorption, 100% non-toxicity and many report losing erection.They are intended to aid in production of testosterone and sexual satisfaction for all!When men are definitely exceptions rather than making her upset later.

Can A Weak Bladder Cause Premature Ejaculation

Some medications are responsible, consulting with the sexual desires reaches a maximum.PE can be properly diagnosed for the reason why using this process several times during a sexual process, the longer it goes through before having sex is one of the best advise in a different way wherein they need in bed.When you make this a number of studies have found a way to gain back control.It may be a huge cause of premature ejaculation can wash away a man's inability to experience multiple orgasms in men.You will need to stop before he or his partner needs 15 then it becomes harder to control premature ejaculation comes much earlier than desired in later life as it takes for ejaculation, no matter his age -- will suffer on occasion from unwanted ejaculation during an intimate love making.

Some go for natural treatments to resolve PE, men can use to reduce anxiety.You may not understand why early ejaculation are expected to have a link to a decrease in libido, if used for lovemaking whether their ejaculation can greatly affect men's control over your ejaculation through kegel exercise.This method is one sure way to prevent premature ejaculation.Try out the causes of your condition too much.They can go without food and beverages contain numerous toxins which throw off hormone balances and cause of premature ejaculation can be that a real man.

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Guess who’s coming to dinner?

If you're looking for a long, relaxing and fascinating weekend read, here are Team AG's top 5 fantasy dinner party guests (bring your own wine and chocolates)

F2AGPW Toasting the host of dinner party (OLVI008_OU064_F)

  Wendy Humphries, letters editor

Nigel Slater

I am no perfectionist when it comes to culinary skills, which is why ‘Eat’ by Nigel Slater is my go-to cookery book among my wide collection. As a working mum with three hungry boys to feed, many of the recipes are simple, nutritious and quick to make using fresh ingredients to produce something delicious.

So I’d want to cook for Nigel, to thank him for all the shortcuts and for showing me to live by taste!

  Audrey Hepburn – so beautiful and stylish (Picture: Alamy)

Audrey Hepburn

So beautiful and stylish, Audrey would make a lovely dinner party companion! I caught up with her documentary Gardens of the World recently and I was really impressed with her enthusiasm and knowledge of roses. Her biography, An Elegant Spirit, written by her son Sean is a brilliant insight to her fascinating but also, on occasion tragic, life.

Her son relates the story that she would refuse to sit first class on a flight, as she felt she was no better than anyone else. Imagine sitting next to her on a long-haul flight.

amateurgardening.com/blog

Sir David Attenborough

It would be the opportunity of a lifetime to meet him. Attenborough’s ever-popular documentaries have taught us all so much about the natural world, climate change and endangered species, but it was Blue Planet II in 2017 that gave a powerful message about the terrible impact plastic in our seas has on wildlife.

At the table, I would ask him what could we do as individuals to reverse the loss of habitat and biodiversity.

Joan Collins

This glamorous lady has always impressed me with her positive outlook and I’m sure she’d have many wonderful tales to tell over dinner of her experiences in high society. I watched the TV series Dynasty in the 80s, where power dressing was ‘in vogue’ and when the average pair of shoulder pads were no match for Alexis Carrington’s, which were like wings!

I’d tell Joan about a dear friend of mine who has sadly passed, Audrey was so addicted to the show she recorded an episode over her daughter’s wedding video.

amateurgardening.com/blog

Eric Morecambe

I definitely won’t be alone with this choice, as one of the nation’s best-loved comics, he would certainly bring some sunshine to the proceedings! His natural and sparkling wit would delight my dinner guests and the night would be sure to be full of fun.

Eric was a keen gardener and bird watcher so there’d be plenty to talk about! I grew up in his home-town of Harpenden, Hertfordshire, and would occasionally see him out and about. Once, as a child out with my mum, he held the door open for us when entering Woolworths!

  Janey Goulding, assistant editor

Michael Palin

Seriously, if nobody else showed up to dinner, I’d still be a happy bunny with Mike. Every party needs at least one national treasure to help break the ice while stuffing down vol-au-vents.

He can captivate my quirky collective with his ripping yarns and tales of far-flung adventures spent nibbling exotic entrails in precarious situations, and it’s guaranteed he’ll tickle the spare ribs with his salty humour. Also, he’s so lovely, he’s bound to help with the washing-up.

amateurgardening.com/blog

Bette Davis

The ultimate grande dame of dining. I imagine she would insist on smoking, but who wouldn’t make allowances for her singular wit, brittle and dry as a well-kept biscotti, and her pithy recollections of the golden age and all its salacious celebrity scandals?

Badinage in abundance, and a touch of elegance with the cold cuts: Bette Davis, we love you. Suspect she would be a dynamo at after-dinner board games, as well.

Kirsty McColl

If there was just one songbird from the great beyond to get a golden ticket to my soiree of suppertime snarking, it would be this perfectly pitched firecracker, with her crackling gift of the gab, twinkly ripostes and satisfying name-dropping skills.

She’d easily hold her own across and under the table (you can bet she’d bring the perfect bottle of plonk), and she would undoubtedly rally everyone to sing sea shanties over Cuban cigars and chiffon cake. Gourmet gumption, guaranteed!

Tim Curry

I mean, it’s right there in the name. Broadway legend Curry would be the pinnacle of dramaturgical dining, thanks to his mercurial storytelling and mimicry, relish for the ribaldry, and the sauciest laugh this side of Transylvania: damn it, Janet, he’s all that and a bag of chips.

Sure to add theatrical heft, a generous dollop of innuendo and a feast of bawdy banter to the after-dinner mints. Oh, and an utter delight if you crack out the Cluedo.

amateurgardening.com/blog

  Would Prince jump on Janey’s dining table to display his guitar skills? (Picture: Alamy)

Prince

All right, I cheated: I can’t just have one singer – not when there’s a chance of grabbing some funkadelic food time with Mr Nelson. The artist formerly known as Squiggle would be welcome to take a break from Martika’s kitchen to amuse my bouche while we feasted on alphabet street soup and cherry moon pie. Pretty sure he’d jump on the dinner table to impress us all with his virtuoso guitar skills, but that would be just fine. After all, it’s only right to have a bit of royalty to tea.

Extra special guests who could pop in for a cup of sugar: Dorothy Parker, Kate Bush, Alan Rickman, Holly Hunter, Peter Ustinov, David Lynch, Andy Kaufman, Terence Stamp, Aaron Sorkin, David Attenborough, Robert Downey Jr, Ray Davies, Madeline Khan, Peter O’Toole, Neil Gaiman, Christopher Walken, Carrie Fisher, Neil Simon, David Bowie (well, d’uh).

  Lesley Upton, features editor

  William Shepperdley – Les wishes she could ask her dad about his life

Alan Turing

Alan Turing was a Cambridge University mathematician who was pivotal in helping to break the Enigma Code in 1941. The Enigma was a cipher machine developed by the Germans during the Second World War to enable them to send secure encrypted messages. Turing and his team, comprising British and Polish experts, worked at the top-secret Bletchley Park in Buckinghamshire.

Turing should have been hailed a hero – and for a time he was. He was awarded an OBE in 1945, but just seven years later he was arrested for homosexuality, which was then illegal in Britain. He could have been jailed, but chose chemical castration instead. In 1954 he was found dead from cyanide poisoning – the verdict was suicide.

Did Turing still love his country after what they did to him? I don’t think I would have.

amateurgardening.com/blog

Hypatia

Hypatia, who lived from around 370-415, was a female philosopher and mathematician. She was born in Alexandria, Egypt, and was the daughter of Theon, one of the most educated men in Alexandria. Theon taught Hypatia all he knew and she shared his passion in the search for answers to the unknown.

Hypatia was an extraordinary woman of her time and one of the first female mathematicians. Being a prominent member of the society, she was murdered by a mob during religious riots.

Would Hypatia follow the same trailblazing course if she knew what the outcome would be?

Robert Oppenheimer

Theoretical physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer was director of the Los Alamos Laboratory in the USA, where the first atomic bomb was developed. He became known as the ‘Father of the Atomic Bomb’ after two bombs were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in Japan during the Second World War.

The first bomb was dropped on Hiroshima, a manufacturing centre about 500 miles from Tokyo, on 6 August 1945, followed by a second more powerful bomb, three days later, on Nagasaki. On 15 August 1945 Emperor Hirohito announced his country’s surrender.

Oppenheimer is later quoted as saying: “I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita; Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and, to impress him, takes on his multi-armed form and says, ‘Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.’ I suppose we all thought that, one way or another.”

How did he feel about the deaths of more than 185,000 people that died due to the bombs being dropped?

Tim Berners-Lee

The English engineer and computer scientist Tim Berners-Lee invented the World Wide Web – but few people have even heard of his name. Berners-Lee published the name of the first website in 1990 that was available to the internet, which was an explanation about his World Wide Web project, and since then the Web has transformed almost every aspect of our lives. He made his idea freely available, with no patent and no royalties due.

Last year, 30 years after the World Wide Web’s invention, he stated: “While the web has created opportunity, given marginalised groups a voice and made our daily lives easier, it has also created opportunity for scammers, given a voice to those who spread hatred and made all kinds of crime easier to commit.”

We can’t live without the World Wide Web now, but will we be able to live with it as it develops?

My dad

Last, but certainly not least, is my dad, William Shepperdley. There are so many things I wish I’d asked my dad, who was born during the time of the First World War and died in 1991.

I know nothing about his time in the Army during the Second World War when he was a motorcycle despatch rider, or about his younger days when he lived in Essex. I know he loved gardening, as I used to help him with his part-time gardening jobs when I was about 12 or 13.

But now is the time I wish he were here, so I could pick his brains about all the things that didn’t seem important when I was younger – but are very important now.

And the meal? It would have to include steak and kidney pudding, as that was my dad’s favourite…

  Ruth Hayes, gardening editor

Caravaggio

Every dinner party needs a bad boy and someone to make a record of events, so invite Caravaggio and you get both in the same parcel. He was born Michelangelo Merisi – or Amerighi – in 1571 in Milan, where his father held office in the household of a nobleman from the town of Caravaggio.

He trained as an artist and travelled widely, but wherever he went, murder and mayhem were not far behind. His turbulent, talented life ended at 39, possibly through illness, syphilis or murder – no one is quite sure.

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He left behind an awe-inspiring legacy, paintings of raw, powerful beauty and realism that look lit from within. He painted what he saw, there is no airbrushing, nor politely fading out the physical imperfections of his models. Caravaggio gives us grotesque faces, bloody deaths, Biblical agony and, more prosaically, lute players, gamblers, bowls of fruit lush enough to eat.

Four years ago we went to the Beyond Caravaggio exhibition at the National Gallery, which explored his art and its influences. It was a banquet for the senses, opulent, exotic, erotic, almost too rich for one sitting but wow, what a feast.

So he’s on the list, as long as he behaves, doesn’t neck all the wine, fight with the other guests or pinch anyone’s bottom. And instead of bringing the hostess a box of chocs as a gift, he can sketch and paint the guests as they revel!

Dame Mary Beard: Classical historian

I’m an unashamed fangirl of the classical historian Mary Beard. I love her easy, accessible intimacy with the past, her flowing silver locks and her glorious collection of baseball boots and trainers. I can’t remember where I first saw her but I was drawn by her towering intellect that could be intimidating were it not tinged – but not diluted – by a glorious twinkle of mischief.

Apart from gardening and wine, history – the more ancient the better – is my greatest love (my greatest regret is not reading it at university, having been corralled into studying English by my teachers). The classical past is a fascinating place but has often been treated with a dusty, tweedy reverence, which is why Mary B is such a force for good, opening it up to wider audiences, making it accessible, alive, real.

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I also think she’d be an amazing guest, full of fire and spark, as long as she didn’t bring along any garum, that fermented condiment made from fish guts the Romans so loved. I might even have to wear my ‘when I grow up I want to be Mary Beard T-shirt’…

* It was a toss-up between Dame Mary and Joann Fletcher, the brilliant goth Egyptologist, but Mary clinched it by a whisker

  David Niven – a gent and a raconteur (Picture: Alamy)

David Niven

I grew up watching Niven’s films and reading his wonderful autobiographies and his death in 1983 was my first conscious recognition of ‘celebrity bereavement’. Witty, urbane and charming– and one for the ladies if the stories are true – on screen he bought films alive.

I was first introduced to him when my dad took me to the cinema to see the children’s adventure film Candleshoe, in which he played several frenzied roles requiring much rushing about and changing of clothes.

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After that, I devoured his performances whenever they were on TV. As the frazzled cleric in The Bishop’s Wife, the ruthless killer in Guns of Navarone, Peter Ustinov’s insouciant sidekick in Death on the Nile and, of course, his appearances on Parkinson and other documentaries.

I also wolfed down his autobiographies The Moon’s a Balloon and Bring on the Empty Horses, even quoting one I my English A’level (possibly that’s what bagged me my A grade, another reason to adore the man).

I can picture him at my dinner party table, entertaining, flirting, making sure everyone had enough food and drink, basically oiling the wheels and being the perfect guest.

Victoria Wood

‘Yes, I do look rather startled don’t I. (The photo) was taken in a photo booth and somebody had just poked an éclair through the curtains’

The secret to great comedy is making it look effortless (see also the late, much lamented Robin Williams) and Victoria Wood has this effortlessness in spades.

Her skills lay in choosing the perfect word for the right situation and her acute social observations. She skewered us, but always kindly and never with the cruelty that so many comics use as their stock-in-trade.

She was also a generous writer, giving the best lines to co-stars – Julie Walters as Mrs Overall in Acorn Antiques (and, mutely, in the ineffable Two Soups), the cast of Dinnerladies, Patricia Routledge as an opinionated housewife from Cheadle in the increasingly drunken Kitty monologues ‘Then she asked ‘what to do think of Marx?’ I said ‘I think their pants have dropped off’.’

Comedy wasn’t her only strength. She was marvelous in the wartime drama Housewife, 49 as the real-life wartime wife and mother Nella Last who went from cowed domestic drudge to community stalwart.

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I still laugh to the point of tears during her classic sketches – The Opinion Poll, Step Aerobics (on nicotine and HRT patches: ‘she’s got one arm telling her she can do what she likes and the other saying she can do what she likes but she can’t have a fag after’) and, of course, her sublime songs.

All together now: ‘Be mighty, be flighty, come and melt the buttons on my flame-proof nightie! Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight!’

I still can’t believe she’s gone.

Thomas Cromwell

A bit of historical rehabilitation is a glorious thing and none has been more unexpected than that of Thomas Cromwell, rapacious ruiner of the monasteries, destroyer of Catholics, the man who sent Anne Boleyn to the scaffold.

We have, of course, Hilary Mantel to thank for this, for had she not written Wolf Hall, Bring up the Bodies and The Mirror and the Light, the trilogy’s great hero may have languished unloved forever.

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History has not been kind to the son of a Putney farrier. To Catholics he was the great scourge and to everyone else, well, everyone else either seemed to go along with it or really didn’t think too much about him at all.

Yes, Mantel’s novels may smack of propaganda but if you dilute that with a few drops of history and a bit of digging, the man before us is fascinating and wonderfully modern.

From the humblest of beginnings, he rose to become the second most powerful man in the kingdom after Henry VIII – and you can’t do that without being pretty adept and intelligent.

After his ragtag childhood he fled to Europe to fight as a mercenary, before working for the Florentine banker Frescobaldi and travelling to the Low Countries where he set up a web of contact and learned several languages.

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Back in England he joined the household of Cardinal Wolsey, surviving his downfall before entering the service of the irascible monarch.

Cromwell was married (happily by all accounts) and widowed, he lost two of his three children to the sweating sickness, but his household was a happy place and he bestowed great kindnesses upon his friends, servants and retainers.

His portrait by Holbein shows a squat, sturdy chap – several sizes larger than Mark Rylance’s peerless characterization in the BBC Mantel adaptation – but not a cruel one. We know he was financially and politically astute (yes, he overplayed his hand and lost his head but by that time Harry 8 was syphilitically bonkers) but he was also loyal, kind and owned a sense of humour.

I can see him at the head of the table, costing out the wine, enjoying the food and bantering with Caravaggio in Italian. Perfect.

  Garry Coward-Williams

When I was asked this question I closed my eyes and my guests simply materialised from my subconscious, where they have been awaiting this invitation for many years.

As we go through life we pick up and store all sorts of information, from literature, music and film media, which has a profound influence on who we are, what engages us and what makes us happy or sad. My guests have all had a profound influence on me, shaping my thinking in many ways. It wasn’t until my guests were assembled that I realised they were all ‘outsiders’, people who bucked the system and shunned authority. They all have a philosophic trait and were known to be ‘thinkers’. Having said the aforementioned, they were also known to be quite witty and entertaining. I would start the evening off with one question: I doubt I would have to ask another.

My question is in two parts: Will the human race ever be able to peacefully co-exist without resorting to war? And if so, how? In no particular order, my guests…

  TE Lawrence – a national hero and something akin to a pop star

  T.E. Laurence

Better known to the public as Lawrence of Arabia, a painfully bright misfit who accidently became a leading light in the Arab revolt against the Ottoman Empire during WW1. Post-war, Lawrence became a national hero and something akin to a pop star thanks an American journalist who made him the central figure of his smash-hit lecture tour ‘With Lawrence In Arabia’.

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Caught between loving the attention and hating the effect on his privacy and literary pretentions, Lawrence changed his name and joined the RAF as a private soldier. However, he was found out and it caused a national scandal. He wrote about his war experiences in a book called The Seven Pillars of Wisdom, and his time in the RAF in a book titled The Mint, but allowed neither to be published in his lifetime. A right-wing intellectual, he was killed in a motorcycle accident in 1935 that some believe was a government-sanctioned execution to prevent his recruitment by Sir Oswald Moseley’s fascists.

Tony Hancock

British comedian who, with script writers Ray Galton and Alan Simpson, changed the face of comedy by creating the first situation comedy series, initially on radio then television. Hancock’s rise to his height of fame in 1961 as Britain’s highest paid entertainer took 7 years.

His fall into alcohol addiction and eventual suicide took another 7 years. In some ways the real Hancock reflected his televisual alter ego —an outsider looking in, never fully accepted in or accepting of society. Constantly searching for the meaning of life, but never finding it. I loved Hancock’s droll and oh so British take on life, as seen by through the eyes of the aspirational lower middle class.

Michael Nesmith

A singer-songwriter from Houston Texas, Nesmith found fame with The Monkees , a TV series about a fictional pop band. Nesmith used his time with The Monkees to develop a new style of music, a fusion of country, Latin American rhythm and pop, thus becoming one of the pioneers of what would be known as Country Rock.

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He left The Monkees to pursue the new genre further and from 1970 to 1973 produced six beautifully-crafted albums, which garnered critical approval, but were considerable commercial failures. In 1974 Nesmith changed tack with The Prison: a book, which was an allegory about the meaning of life, with a soundtrack album. The idea was to read the book whilst listening to the record and both combined would take the listener to a higher state of consciousness. It was another commercial failure, even greater than the others. Nesmith finally gave up making records in 1979 and created (and sold) the concept of Music TV.

Franz Kafka

Kafka was a German-speaking Bohemian who wrote extraordinary stories about alienation and the unyielding and frustrating power of bureaucracy. Like the Irish author Flann O’Brien, Kafka had no success during his lifetime and his major works like The Trial (Der Process) and The Castle (Das Schloss) were only published after his death.

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Indeed, he stipulated to the executor of his will, Max Brod, that all his writings be burned, unread. But Brod ignored the this and published them to great eventual acclaim. It is said Kafka had a knack pulling the most profound of statements out of thin air in conversation. He was also known to have a great sense of humour.

I would recommend the book Conversations with Kafka, in which his friend Gustav Janouch records many of their chats including this snippet of profundity: “Life is infinitely great and profound as the immensity of the stars above us. One can only look at it through the narrow keyhole of one’s personal experience. But through it one perceives more than one can see. So above all one must keep the keyhole clean”

George Orwell

Born Eric Arthur Blair in India and educated at Eton, Orwell was a product of the old British Empire. On leaving the school system he headed in the footsteps of many of the upper-middle class decamping to the far reaches of the Empire, as a police inspector in Burma.

This gave him a perspective of what Empire really meant for the wealthy and the poor and after 5 years he left to become a writer. On returning to Britain Orwell gave himself the task of experiencing life among the poor in London, the working class in Wigan and later, abject poverty in Paris.

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He saw socialism as the way forward, but was pragmatic and open enough to see that the soviet form of communism was just as repressive as fascism. He was openly derided by the champagne-left, but his books like The Road to Wigan Pier, Down and Out in Paris and London and essays like England Your England have given us a unique insight on life in the late 1920s, early 1930s.

  We are here for you

Although many people are coping well with self-isolation, others are really struggling and feeling completely forgotten and alone.

Here at AG we are doing our best to keep connected to our readers though the magazine, this website and also through social media.

AG’s agony uncle John Negus is still answering your questions and solving your problms

Our gardening ‘agony uncle’ John Negus is also still working hard. Send him your problems and questions, with pictures if you can, and he will get back to you with an answer withing 24 hours, as he has been doing for decades. Contact him using the AG email address at amateurgardening@ti-media.com

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We already have thriving Facebook page but are also on Twitter and Instagram. These sites are a brilliant way of chatting to people, sharing news, information, pictures and just saying hello – we will get back to you as soon as we can.

Best of all, as gardeners are generally lovely folk, more interested in plants, hedgehogs, tea and cake than political shenanigans and point-scoring, so the chat is friendly and welcoming.

So please drop by, follow us, ‘like’ our posts and say hello – the Instagram feed is in it’s really early days so the quicker we can get that going with your help and support, the better!

You can find us at:

Facebook: Facebook.com/AmateurGardeningMagazine

Twitter: Twitter.com/TheAGTeam

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Fifth Experience Report

5th trip report: “Welcome to the Jungle”.

Planning for this began on the 30th of May, with this entry being written on the 01st, early in the morning.

The idea for this trip is that I had wanted a break from seeds and was going to trippy hard balls on a combo of acid and 2cb. Then, after some thinking, I realized that if I went in with massive doses of these 2 chemicals my body would not thank me for it, I was in poor shape and mind and this would be a grand excessive gesture I might enjoy temporarily, but which would have no true purpose (and was also known territory for me). When you have taken as many drugs, especially psychedelics, as me, the experience can become banal and repetitive unless the sense of purpose remains and you know how to use, navigate and develop a relationship with a substance and a practice. 

After thinking, I was faced with a few options:

Don’t trip at all, (Didn’t like this option much, I wanted a big experience),

Trip with seeds, (Wasn’t so keen on this one either, the seeds had become unpleasant to take and the experience was becoming repetitive and was not yielding to me much in the most recent experiments),

Try a seed combo.

In the end, I decided to try a combination of seeds and LSD, I figured that the similarity of the chemicals meant that they would play well together and might prove to be strongly synergistic. I view acid as being a potentially much more powerful but also essentially “inert”, or “plastic” cousin to LSA, which is sedative rather than stimulating, less forceful and so far, slightly more nuanced. Generally, what makes plant psychedelics so compelling over synthetics is their morphogenetic signature within the human brain/morphic field/human history etc., and the complexity of different alkaloids within the plant. These may consist of small individual doses, but together they amount to a far richer experience. The complexity of contained alkaloids make plant hallucinogens often much less predictable, deeper and lend them a functionally animate appearance once active within the human brain and nervous system. 

With this in mind, I expected the LSA/LSD combo to act in concert, as a multi-alkaloidal combo akin to a complex plant or a plant admixture.

I expected the powerful LSD to augment the LSA, spring boarding its potential to potentially deeper more powerful states.

I also expected the organic, flowing LSA to naturalize the synthetic LSD, potentially resulting in a less predictably pointed and lifeless lsd experience.

I would also have cannabis, another plant to further bind and synergise with these two. A three-punch combo of LSD, LSA and THC, with the hope that this would prove to be some sort of tipping point, letting me through what I perceived to be some sort of impasse in my experimentation up to this point. In addition, nicotine would be used, though this should be considered a lesser entity compared to the other three.

 I decided that a similar dosage of LSA to my one truly successful trip should be used (240 Mg and 14 Ololiuqui). I was to prepare them in the normal way, with steeping proposed to start at some point on the evening of Friday the 2nd. The dosage of LSD was proposed to be 1 tab of 100 Micrograms. I could have gone higher but I decided to let the LSD stay in the background in terms of dose, this way it would not outright dominate the LSA, but simply add its unique flavour and potentiate the LSA. In addition, this would leave me with 2 remaining tabs, meaning I could potentially re-run the experiment at a higher dose later, if I desired.

It is Thursday the 1st, in the evening. I am about to grind and steep 300 tlitlitzin and 14 ololiuqui. Seed powder added to distilled water in an empty milk carton at 25 past 11, Thurs. 

Steeping proceeded for a total of 84 hours, 3.5 days.

Trip began on Monday the 5th of June at around 12.

I planned to spend the beginning and most of the trip in a local woods I had scouted for this purpose. I had explored the area decently enough to know where shelter might be found to lie down/smoke and areas to explore further. For my journey, I took a bag with two bottles of water, a carton of LSA liquid (I strained it and put it back in the carton), a carton of orange juice, a cup to drink my disgusting seed juice (It has really become extremely nauseating), my box with acid tabs, my pipe, lighters, tobacco + weed and a bowl drum.

~ The Trip 

I left the house and began my walk, it was a long way to the woods and I could feel the suns heat pouring through the dense clouds above. It was hot, humid and very windy, a chaotic array of atmospheric pressures had resulted in summer-storm like conditions. Eventually I made it to the woods entrance, a small metal fence with a cattle grid either side. A herd of semi wild cattle inhabits the forest, a custom dating back to pre-Victorian England when the local lord used the woods as his personal grazing common. As a result of this, the woods consist of many huge veteran chestnuts, beech and oaks which are left to stand alone among cropped grass and various underbrush weeds. It has a rather alien appearance when compared to many other local woodland areas, with a long line of sight being afforded and many winding cattle paths into the brush.

 I entered and quickly made my way off the main path to a dip in the ground where I was shielded from view. I took out my LSA liquid, cup and orange juice and began the process of drinking it all. Like the time before, I had used less water, so this wasn’t as hard as it otherwise might have been. I then took out a single tab of 100um 1-P LSD which I put on my tongue. I heard a sound and looked up to see three female deer only meters from me. They had been absolutely silent and as far as I could tell, had not noticed me. I felt encouraged by this omen, packed my things back up after they had left and began walking.

 As noted earlier, I had been on a single venture to the woods prior, to gauge its suitability and how comfortable I felt there. I had taken a rough route or trajectory through it and ended up at certain landmarks. This time around, my feet subconsciously were pulled in the same direction. Without much time passing it seemed, I made it to my first stop, a wizened and hunched chestnut tree that provided full cover of the ground beneath it. It was ideal due to this fact and no weeds like nettles or brambles had grown beneath it. At this point I could feel activity, the first inklings of the come on, it had happened quickly, but then LSD does come on fast, LSA also seems to take effect more rapidly than some other hallucinogens such as mushrooms. 

I arrived, wordlessly greeting the tree and sat beneath its canopy. I took off my bag, feeling headier by the second and retrieved my pipe and a smoking mixture of weed and tobacco I had prepared earlier. I first sat and observed with my body. I could feel the world humming around me, the trees roaring with the wind tearing through them. I had no fear from this, just calm and awareness of the latent energy present around me.  Raising the pipe to my lips I sucked the flame down, a pause and then the hot tickling of smoke rooting deep into my lungs. Another pause, then a lightening, very faint at first, followed by the welcome note of weed caressing my brain. The intensification was not overwhelming at this point. I took two more tokes and let myself relax. The true come up followed this. No visual activity really, or perceptions, just notable body load, a feeling of floatation and buzzing energy around me. As my thoughts drifted with the wind I felt it rip around the woods before me in an arc from tree to tree. Suddenly it rounded on me with an intense surge of sound, my senses met it perfectly and a tongue of energy tore up my spine in glee. I felt wonderful and lay back letting the wind perform acrobatics around me. Slowly my vision began to bloom with very fine green tendrils. They began curving round in sequence and terminating with lobe like structures. They seemed to glow neon and I became aware of an intense full body pleasure. Eventually my closed eye vision turned from black to grey to blue and I realized my eyes were almost open. I yielded to this and saw the sky from beneath fluttering leaves. I realized with a start that I was UP. My sense extended from my head like antenna and I felt a familiar surge of electric energy associated with LSD, this was far more potent than even 2 tabs however. I greeted the world around me with righteous anticipation, looking down and seeing several large twigs at my feet. I greeted these too and began to use them to massage the earth. After a while of playing I arose and burned the rest of my bowl. I packed up my bags and continued. I had intentions of journeying and wondered how far I could make it before the intoxication rendered me useless.

 I made my way through the forest silently. As is often the case with psychedelics, one becomes attuned to the correct way of moving within certain environments. I took care to move with skill and poise, fluidly and deftly through the established animal paths. I was an animal too, and so I would also tred their paths, these were the zones of least resistance and like a stream, it is best to follow them for comfortable exploration away from main flow zones.

Again, very suddenly I reached the border of the “main drove road”. This was near a local mausoleum (for the aforementioned late lord), which arose from the canopy in a pyramid. In my state, it was immediately associated with an Aztec sun temple. I noted my location with surprise. I knew if I was already here than I could perhaps go quite far today. I was happy and pressed on into the thicker section of the woods. Here I would be unlikely to see any actual humans and my comfort level rose. I was however noting some weakness of the legs. I was already thirsty and the chemicals were hampering my muscles somewhat. I moved forward to the slope of a hill, atop which I knew was a field of fractally curling ferns. This was my original goal to reach and I was happy to have arrived. I stopped near the base under an enormous gnarled oak and went to smoke some more.

 At this stage I was far more intoxicated than the first time and tranced out relatively easily into a monologue about veins, rivers, trees. I saw a huge branching entity before me in glowing white. I opened my eyes to see the exact shape of this mirrored in an opposing tree. Walking toward it, the three dimensional nature of the entity struck me. It had a gigantic bole near the mid way point of its trunk that was intensely knotted and coiled like a collossal serpent. I felt genuine apprehension and almost expected it to roil and strike me.

Suddenly the weirdness factor spiked and I felt unsure of myself. I was in another world now and could feel the awareness of these beings sharply all around me. I decided to be on my way at this point and began to walk up the hill. I was still feeling weak and when I made it to the top I was relieved. I also noticed I was not in the same place as before, the hill had some length to it and I was in the far corner. I noted the curvature of the ridge and took a trajectory with the least incline. As I walked through chest high ferns I was reminded of a field of cannabis on some tropical hillside. I could see various single trees dotted within this mass, but largely it was a monoculture. The visual impact of this was of further intensification. I had felt that this place was special before, but this was overshadowed by my feelings now. I decided to walk past it to see what lay beyond, discovering a whole other main path. I ventured down here for a time, but my weakness increased and I returned to the hill shortly after.

At this point I was feeling low on energy and had not eaten at all during the day. I knew I needed to rest but was unsure if I should also consider moving back in the direction my body knew home to lie in. This was not really a question I wanted to answer, so I just went out into the middle and lay down amongst the ferns. I do not recall much from this period, only that it was not that comfortable and I soon realized I was being sunburned despite the cloud cover. Feeling hot and uncomfortable I got up again and went to find some shade.

 I wandered back down through the field in the direction I came, toward the tree line. I wasn’t sure if I was going home or just going to sit under the tree again, but as I walked I was struck by the materialisation of a huge, completely dead and sun-bleached silver tree zigzagging and piercing the open sky like a stag’s antler. It was on the edge of the forest and was met at its base by another similarly dead white tree which had fallen over and came to rest just at its toes. I felt compelled and with some difficulty climbed onto the fallen tree, which extended from the top of the hill some distance over its slope. I slowly walked out across it, coming near to the base of the standing tree. I was high off the ground at this point, but the tree was so thick that I did not feel any fear of falling despite the still surging wind. I decided to sit, fuck it. As I did so, one of my two bottles fell from my bag, plummeting into dense brambles beneath the tree. I was not too stressed by this, I had another and felt it had enough to take me home easily.

As I sat, I felt very comfortable, more than I had at any other place. I decided I would stay here for a while. As I closed my eyes, I could still see the field of ferns spreading out before me, not so much as an after image but as if my eyes were not really closed. I breathed in the wind and saw the ferns change, growing and taking on decadently fronded forms, growing lazily and exotically beneath the sun. I observed these for a time, feeling the picture world that mimicked the original change from a still image and gain whole new life. I decided to smoke once more and packed a bowl with some difficulty, the wind seeming to be greedy, buffeting me whenever I thought it was safe to crumble the weed into my tin. I smoked, and felt a whole new intensity level approaching. The ferns now erupted into flowers, fleshy and odorous. The wind was now not only felt but seen as skirting flights of lines. I noted a sudden realization: the field was not natural, it was a product of destruction. Man (forest management) had seen fit to rid this area entirely of its trees. As a result, a monoculture of ferns had quickly taken advantage and now dominated. I also noted the dead trees, now seeing 3 of them, voicing internally: “an edifice to death”. That which had been touched by great destruction, perhaps a blight, was now teeming with an unseen energy that set it aside from the rest of the forest. The wind was fiercer, the shapes bolder and more overtly psychedelic. I was drawn here naturally. As I saw this, I voiced “well, I hope I make good soil”, a request to death, that I knew I would die. This realization and statement sparked the power wave of the trip.

 I decided to drum. I had brought my ritual drumming bowl with me to the forest. In the past, this would have accompanied me on every adventure, but since the advent of my silent darkness trip, I had forgone it, instead attempting to reach visionary states through pure sensory deprivation and hypnogogic trance. Now I felt it was right. The clearing was wild with noise and I felt a need to accompany. My hands knew what to do. A slow mesmeric rhythm emerged, the atonal and shrill tangs of the drum matching the sites eerie energy perfectly. The gallop increased in momentum and I became aware of new hallucinations. A vast tree grew in my central vision: yellow green with golden light permeating the trunk, with a cauliflower-like canopy from which emerged glowing white orbs on stems. This gave way to children, long and spidery with dark skin and features typical of the people of Africa. They seemed childlike by their physical nature but their eyes were ancient. They half smiled, yet also leered and moved about like shadows or spiders in and across the tree. I heard words bursting into my brain, utterances, phrases that were alien to me, but were distinctly African. I saw more faces, some smiling, others not. I was told stories about the lives of certain people, all African males who had innovated, faced great odds, heroes and gods. I saw expectant faces as this information was relayed. I understood the relevance to my current situation. Following this, I jerked into a more regular state of consciousness and lost my rhythm.

I decided to keep playing, upturning the bowl to its other side, giving it a more sonorous, softer tone. As I began to play anew, the wind quietened, almost in appreciation of my change in style. My rhythm was slower, more weighted toward hypnotic looping rhythm than uncontrolled fury. I saw white now, this being quickly overlaced by minute yellow, gold threads. These formed an intricately fine mandalic array that pulsed and swam beneath my eyelids. As I watched I saw a gathering toward my forehead of brown, almost like a hustling together in a fronded orb. As I recognized this I saw hands, which I knew where female and insect wings. The mass grew darker and its edges stuck out with razor sharpness. I saw a female face and the claws and body of a vast praying mantis outlined in fractal perfection. The mantis arose and its features flamed and dripped, curlicuing in on themselves. It caught me in its gaze and I felt a soft drone begin to surround me. My drumming continued, becoming deeper, more nuanced. I saw more dazzling blooms of flowers seemingly made of light. I forget exactly the events following this.

 Eventually my drumming ceased. I felt the visions dissapparate. I decided to move and shift. As I did so, the other bottle also fell from my bag. At this, I knew it was time to go home. No water + already dehydrated, tripping very hard + no food today, very low on energy. I had no reason to remain, I needed to drink and I was ready to go home. I disembarked from the fallen tree with relative ease and began to orient myself. I knew if I walked down the hillside nearest to me I could retrace the steps of my first trip here and probably get out easily. However, this notion bored me, I wanted to take another path and felt I could find my way back just as easily the way I had come this time.

I walked back along the hills ridge toward the entrance to the woods. I did not find it however, going through a natural nook in the hill and down into a different section. I was still confident, however, and began to walk where my body told me the average direction of the gate lay in. I generally have high confidence in my sense of direction when walking in woods and felt there was no trouble in doing this. As I walked, I saw a large overturned tree with a mass of clay earth still stuck to its roots. As a geologist, I was naturally drawn to this and searched for a token rock to take. I found a small brown and yellow chert pebble which seemed to blush as I rotated it in my palm. I held it in my palm as I walked and let it roll up and down my hand in tune with my stride. Very soon I felt the pebble begin to get more excited, I followed my sense more and found more “evidence” that I thought I was going in the right way. I trusted myself completely and as I did so, the pebble began to dance. Eventually I found a large path and felt assured that if I followed it, I would arrive near the entrance soon. I walked and walked, the pebble bounding like a guide in my hand, I was also getting thirstier and weaker. I was looking forward to a time when I would see a definite landmark for me to orient myself, but none came. Every tree seemed new to me and after a while I was rather unsure of my location. I then came across a fence that barred me from going in the direction I thought I needed to. This jarred me severely because I had not known a fence existed in the wood. I was in a new area, not going where I needed to at all. I walked one way along the fence hoping to see something, then the other way. I was getting worried and confused now and began to talk to myself. This dehydrated me further yet I could not stop, my talking seemed to both calm me and excite me.

After a while I went backward into the forest to try and find another point further back in time to navigate correctly from. I found a path, followed it and found myself back at the fence. Now I was annoyed. I decided to follow the fence further in the other direction. I eventually arrived at a sign and a gate, saying “entrance to Cobham park”. This was a completely different entrance and I was way off course. There was a map, but there was no identifying point to say exactly where I was, nore did its orientation seem to match what I saw before me. I walked off a different path and found myself in a farm. At this point, my panic was rising. My voice stammered and shook and I could feel a wave spread through me, shaking my reality at the edges. I knew I had to keep it together and that if I was not careful I might even begin to run, just out of a need to cover more ground faster. I eventually turned around and went back to the sign. Reading it again, it was still nonsensical to me. I accepted I was lost and that the pebble had lead me astray. I decided to just walk straight back into the woods and hope I found something that I recognized. I walked and walked, finding various paths. At this point my mouth was gummed up and I had trouble speaking. I felt extremely alert, in overdrive. I was scanning furiously for anything and I knew I was now running on adrenaline. I could almost not even feel my body, I was being driven by adrenaline and willpower. I needed to find my way out. 

 Eventually, I turned a corner in a small deer path and saw a tree. The tree was odd, I could not tell why. Then it hit me, I knew it. It was a tree I had used to navigate by before. I was exultant to see this and instantly knew I was no longer lost. I began the walk home in earnest. I was not so frightened now, and my attempts at vocalization ceased. My adrenaline also went down and in response, my body suddenly felt extremely fatigued. I knew I still had a LONG way to walk, no water and that I was severely dehydrated. I summoned the fear back and with it, the adrenaline, I knew I would need it to power myself home. 

As I walked, I lost all sensation of my body. I was pure intent. I barely even saw my surroundings, just my consciousness moving like a comet through space. I moved, the world changed, eventually I was at the gate. I did not celebrate, I knew I did not have the luxury of speech or even of slowing down. I powered on down the long road to the village, through the village to my house. At this point I could feel myself almost falling over, my legs moved like a disembodied entity, with my body just balanced on top. I walked through the garden, unlocked the door, put my bag down and drank.

 After several large cups, I wordlessly walked back outside, now feeling my body about to give in and lay down on the deck. As I did so, I felt myself relax completely. Visuals spread out before me HARD. Complex patterns of currents, flow textures, doorways. I saw multi-pronged fronds converging on a single point, turning to crystal white at the centre, flowing down to form a river which itself transformed into a cobra. From the cobras mouth poured multitudes of snakes, each smaller than the last. I lay there for ages, existing within dreamscapes and liquid pouring texture. Eventually I got up. I was hungry and thirsty. My dog eyed my warily, he knew I was ON and that it was a strong one, I reassured him very gently and he wagged and bumped my leg in appreciation.

Feeling very hungry, I went and got a box of strawberries. As I took one out, I saw it was most unbelievably dark, rich blood red, firm and cool, perfect and jewel like in every way. I closed my eyes and caressed the nub of the strawberry with my lips and tongues, fellating it with gratuitous pleasure. I then bit the tip off. As I did, waves of pleasure spread across my vision and fine membranes of pink fruit and seed spiraled before me. The taste was wonderful, so cold and refreshing. I sat there slowly munching every fruit in the packet, not moving except to chew and pick up. Only once before have I felt such ecstasy in consumption.

 After a while I decided to go upstairs, and let the dog stop worrying about me. I sat at my desk and my field of attention was drawn to my central shrine. I had recently constructed a power system that linked a battery of fledging morning glory seedlings with resonant nodes to a small Nganga or Prenda which I had built and placed at the focal point of the shrine. I had fixed this up to a wish stone I found in a river and was playing with building this setup, accumulating vital energy from the plants within the Nganga, which was already resonant with the energy of several organic and inorganic components. As I fixed my gaze on the dragon guardian, a perception of ancient wisdom came to mind, my eyes where then drawn magnetically to the Nganga, which had its lid on. I begin to feel an irresistible urge to take the lid off, I sat and placed my hands either side of it, raising them in an arc above it, then slowly and carefully removed the cap. The Nganga stared at me, I acknowledged it placed my hands in a triangle around it, focusing and awakening it. I closed my eyes then and began to feel a pressure fill the air. I became aware of two glowing orbs or lights in slight oval shapes, moving back and forth on what I imagined were stems. I saw "serpents” as an impression. From this impression a real caduceus grow. This structure was not a classic caduceus but an amalgam of concentric cord, tubes that enfolded each other, danced upward and spiraled into a single knot/point. I felt this point spiral inward and saw that it was writhing slightly and was emerging from the mouth of the Nganga like a column of smoke. I felt myself drawn into the spiral and now saw a city. It was desolate and shattered, abandoned. Skyscrapers lay in wreckage, buildings hollow husks like ruined termite mounds. As I watched, the city began to shake apart, falling into the sea. I opened my eyes again, in some wonder. I was surprised to feel such a concrete and visible manifestation from the tool that had only been recently built and charged. I was happy and enthused and carefully set the lid back. I was not sure I wanted to play too long as I did not have a clear purpose in mind for its use and would rather it continued to collect energy which I now knew might be imbued with the essence of sight and knowledge, as well as growth and seemingly, death. 

 I decided to shower now and packed a large bowl. I had three or four hits from this, set it down and went through the bathroom. I was exhausted and was clumsy, doing things “off”, or in deviation from my normal way of showering. Eventually the water warmed up and I got in. I set it hot and slowly unerringly let myself move more and more under the stream. I let the water mainly hit my back, which was extremely sore at this point, until finally I stood upright beneath the water and felt it course like magma down my body. Eventually I sat down cross-legged to meditate, as is often my custom in the shower. As I felt the water crash around me and massage my back, I felt the elemental influence of it on my perception, becoming fluid and dreamlike. I saw a green luminous object, I cannot say what it was, I felt myself as a husk and images of my life passed before me. Things of note, my family, my path, my lover. I felt my options now, at the near end of my experience and what mattered to me. I knew It was a tipping point, in that at this point, so drained, there was a possibility of a relapse to base habits. I thought of my girlfriend, saw her face and body, cream white perfect skin, smooth and lustrous, full bodied and soft. I knew I loved her more than anything and that nothing else in my life meant anything without her I saw my habits and saw them for the affliction that they had become. I saw myself as a seedling growing, but with the husk of its seed case still attached to its leaves, hindering them. Holding it back, growing into its form and crippling it. I saw myself as a small, waiflike creature swallowed by the rotten, bloated corpse of another figure. I realized that nothing in my life mattered if I could not be with my love. Without her, all activities were devoid of meaning. My life had changed a lot in a short time and my motives too. I saw the rotting body on the floor and now standing free, his feet still inside, a thin sprout-like being, a waif/elf/dryad of some kind. I knew he was me. I was only just beginning to see the past and only starting to emerge from it. I knew this was my chance to be rid of it, grow truly and abandon all past weights. I knew I could become strong, that I could leave this behind truly, for her. For her I would do anything, I would ascend past these character flaws, forcing myself through the almost withdrawal like symptoms I have always suffered in the past. I could break the cycle, with/for her. I saw the demon in the mirror, felt his will to challenge this. I did not move, I knew that fighting him was how he won. I laughed and simply told him he was no longer needed. I had her. I could do anything for her. He was now powerless and would fade.

 I felt myself reborn, fresh. My pain now eased, I glowed and I realized I had passed a test of sorts.

 I went upstairs, sat down at my laptop, content to let the solo side of the trip come to an end here. I spoke then to my love.

[jaidandumphy91]

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