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#the hells goin'on?
dykesymmetry · 3 years
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At the beginning i thought it was fully a joke, but now idk anymore if people actually think of Philza as a dilf and I'm terrified. Could you please tell me whats the situation like, I'm not from English speaking county so i dont get some linguistic things and also I'm a bit tone deaf so yeah. I have no idea what the fucks goin'on
ok quick rundown. dilfzcourse is a very long, very extensive joke about c!phil. i don't think most people actually find the pixelated skin of kisuke urahara attractive but they sure as hell say they do
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blisterinballista · 3 years
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uh. blitz?? that's your girlfriend. why are you reintroducing yourself???
"Wha'-?! Miranda, an'... N-no, no, ya got somethin' mixed up. I jus' met'er! Wha's goin'on... Wha'the hell's goin'on, man!?"
Girlfriend? That doesn't- Well, okay, it's what he's supposed to- But... The fuck?
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janna-the-breaker · 5 years
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Sunscreen 🌅👙
I'm in a mood for jealous turtles today. Hope you like it!^^
It was summer, and Casey have planned a trip for a Beach house that his family owed since he was younger. It was almost in the middle of nothing, so it was safe for the turtles to go. They were all very excited, afterall, they've never left New York City before. After a four long hour car ride, you were all finaly there. The house was increribly beautiful. It has five rooms. Two for couples and the other three for inviters. And, let's not forget, the pool! That pool was wonderful! It has a waterfall and neon lights.
You decided to took a day to sun bath. You have picked your best bikini and laid down on your belly onto a beach chair at the edge of the pool.
You were so relaxed that you felt like you're gonna fly. But, after a while, the sun started burning your back a little too much, and you were too sleepy to get the sunscreen by yourself.
However, by a misterious miracle, you heard the hard and heavy steps that could only belong to the turtle you loved.
Leo💙:
"Hey, fearless" You called him with a sleepy voice. He have stoped nearby you. "Would you please pass some sunscreen on my back??" You pleaded.
What you did not know was that that wasn't your boyfriend, Leonardo, but acctualy his brother in a red mask.
He smirked greatly. Of course he didn't say anything or it could ruin this opportunity. He just grabbed the product and squished the white goo (😏😏) on his hand. He reached his three fingered hand onto your back and started spreading the sunscreen over your skin. You shrivered a little with his touch, bitting your lip as the heat of his hand spread through your body.
"Hmmmm just like that, love" You moaned a little. The big brute enjoying the sensation he was giving to you. And how smoothly your skin felt on his hand. He tried to reach to your higher back, but the strings of your bikini wouldn't let him. "Untie these, handsome. Please?"
His fingers grasped the cords and pulled the knot off until it was out of you. Now, he had the liberty to massage your back and shoulders. His pants got more thigher as he could peep your boob coming out from your bikini.
"What the fuck is goin'on here?!" Leo's voice ecooed furiously from far behind you.
You jumped in scare and sat up quickly on the chair, looking confusedly to your side. And how surprised you were when you saw Raphael instead of Leo. "Raph?!" You yelled while hidding your free breasts from his sight.
"I'm gonna kill you!!!" The turtle in blue yelled and ran towards his brother with a killer look on his face. The big brute manage to jump off and ran into the woods to escape his older brother's rage.
"Leo, i swear that i did not knew that it was him! I thought it was you!" You hold him by his arm and tried to explain yourself. He looked so angry just like the time the Shredder threated to kill Splinter.
"Yeah, you really mistook my smooth and well trained hands by those big and rough green sausages." He says with a deep angry voice. Your eyes started droping some tears.
"I didn't mean to! I was asleep. Please, forgive me!" You begged for his forgiveness.
"And you let him undress you! Do you have any idea about how this make me feel??" He was clearly hurt. But it wasn't your fault at all!
"You're the only one that i love, Leonardo! And nothing will ever change it." You grabbed his face and looked deep in his blue eyes. You leaned onto him and kissed him passionantly. It seemed to ease his anger.
"You're right. I'm sorry for being too rarsh on you. I love you so much, honey." He said hugging you and wrapping his arms along your waist. "Now, i'll go on a hunt for Raph's. And when i'm done, i'll make sure that it'll be clear for everyone to see that you belong to me, and me alone!"
Raph ❤️:
"Hello, my cuddly teddy bear." You said with a cute voice as you heard your boyfriend come to your side. "Look, the sun is kinda hurting my back. Do you mind brushing some sunscreen on it??"
Michelangelo froze there for a moment. Did you really thought that he were Raph?! He felt quite honored, but did not know what to do.
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"Please, Boo, just a little. I may give you a treat later." You teased a little.
The turtle in orange gave a look around to check if there was anyone else around. There was no one near. He took the product and squished it on your back. You laughed as you felt that goo all over you. He soon used his hand to spread it over your back. "Hmmm it feels so good, babe." You moan.
Mikey tried not to giggle as you moaned to his touch. This was definetly the best day of his life. He lowered his hands on your back and stoped up on your butt. "Wanna get these off?" You suggested. He bit his lip and noded. Benching the string and pulling it slythly as he tried to reveal your ass.
"What the hell are ya doin', ya punk?!" Raphael yelled as he saw Mikey massaging you. He jumped off you and you sat on the chair in total shock. "Get yer hands off my girl, right now!"
"Sorry, bruh! Oh, y//n, you owe me that treat!" He said before running off the senario.
"I what?!" You said in counfusion.
"What treat?! Were you flirting with him?!" He asked roughly to you.
"No, Raph! I would never flirt with him or any of your brothers! He just came by and in my sleep i thought he was you. Please, forgive me!" You hugged him by his plastron trying to calm him down.
"Ya seemed to like what he was giving to ya. Am i not enough for ya??" He asked sadly. You've seen him this sad defeated before.
"Of course you are, Raph! You're more than enough for me, you are the best! I love you." You said and kissed him deeply. He accepted and lift you up on the kiss.
"Alright, bird. I got it. And you know what?" He gave your ass a slap with a full hand. You yelp loudly. "We're goin' to revenge on Mikey fucking at his bed. Come on!" He said taking you in a bridal way to the house.
Mikey🧡:
"Hey, my sweet pizza lover." You said sweetly as you felt the presence of your boyfriend next to you. "You know, this was a very long ride to here and my shoulders are still sore from the car seat. Can you please massage them for me??"
Donnie's mind buged for a moment. You thought he was Mikey?! Should he warn you that he wasn't him??
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But, he felt so needy for the touch of your skin. Besides, it was just a massage. It wouldn't hurt. He put a little of sunscreen on his hand and spread it on your shoulders gently. You hummed a little with his skilled movements.
"Wow! Mikey, you are really good at this." You said hapily with the sensation he was giving to you.
Donnie smiled as he made you feel good with his caress. You were so relaxed on his hands and he was so foucused on his task that he didn't noitice Mikey standing there watching them with sadness in his baby blue eyes.
"Donnie, you traitor! What do you think you're doing?!" He yelled at his brother, who immediately took his hands off you.
"Mikey! This isn't what you think it is! I just gave her a friendly massage." He tried to explain himself.
You sat on the chair and gave a strange look at the purple masked turtle. "Donnie?! What are you doing here?!" You asked
"I'm sorry! I just wanted to be nice. I'm out of here!" He got up and jumped off the pool to the rooftop.
"Yeah! Go get your own, brah! This one here belongs to Mc Mikey!" He said as he pulled you to a hug. "You're mine! Only mine! You know that, right, angelcakes?"
"Yes, Mikey, i know. I'm yours! I'm sorry about Donnie. If i have knowm that it was him i you never let him touch me." You said wrapping your arms around his neck.
"It's okay, babycakes. You can continue to apolagize when we're on the bed." He took you on his shoulder and walked in the house with you.
Donnie💜:
"You there, my nerd? I'm in the need for a little foot massage. Are you up for this mission?" You plead for your boyfriend who sat before you at the pool.
Unfurtunatly, it wasn't the turtle you thought it may be. Leonardo only sat on there because he was on the need for some meditation. And the pool seemed to be the perfect and calm place for it. Even with you there it didn't bother him, afterall, you were just quietly taking a sun bath.
But, he did not expect at all that you would mistook him by his smart brother.
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"Come on, D! I'm so tired, and only you can make me feel good." You begged for him to touch you.
He fetl awfull. At the same time he didn't want to interview in your relashionship with Donnie, but he also couldn't handle seeing you so needy for care. He grabbed the oil on a table nearby and used it to massage your feet.
"Hummm that's right, love! A little more to my ankles, please." You pleaded a little, loving the sensation you were recieving.
All Leo could do was smile. Even though you weren't his girlfriend he enjoyed giving some joy to you. But, it didn't last long as his ninja sight spot Donatello watching him from far away. The fire on his eyes as he saw his brother touching his girl could almost burn Leo. The leader in blue felt threated with his brother's falcon eyes and slowly got up, leaving the pool without saying a word.
You asked yourself what happened to your massage. You sat up and looked behind you, and there was Donnie smilling at you. "Why did you stoped?? You were doing great."
His heart hurt a little. He undertood that you didn't knew that Leo was the one massaging you. But he never imagined that he would suffer such a betrayal from his own brother. "Sorry, Dove. Lay there, i'll send you to heaven."
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deathsprofit · 5 years
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justlulu · 8 years
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Invino veritas
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You weren’t usually one to drink much but when you did, it took just a few shots for you to lose your mind. Your best friend Ed knew it very well but unfortunatelly he wasn’t there to save you when the boys offered you a drink. It started with one sip of Harry’s drink, but when you took his drink again and threw it down all at once, there was no coming back. You were loughing at everything they said and this only seemed to amuse them. “What abaut we play a game?” Guy proposed and you immediately jumped from your seat. “Yess I love games!” You screamed making him laugh.  You heard a ‘calm down,love’ or something like that but you didn’t bother searching who said it. “What do you have in mind,mate?” Dimitri asked him as they exchanged little grins. You watched Guy saying something in his ear before they looked again at you like you were a prey. “Truth or dare,[Y/N]?” The Greek asked you still grinning as he leaned with both elbows on the table looking right in your eyes. “Ehmm…” you pretended to think abaut it using your fingertip to tup your chin. “Truth” “Oh c'mon” Toby snorted annoyed,but James shushed him wirh a flick of a hand. “Tell me..which of us you’d like to fuck(?)” He asked earning chuckles and whistles from all of them, exept from Hugo,who didn’t seem to interested in the game and James,who was actually pretending not to be interested in the game. Your answer came out of your mouth before you could formulate it in your mind. “Ed.” Silence for a few seconds before someone shoke Dimitri from his kind of trans. “Okay,okay,okay..I haven’t been very clear” he apologised to his friends by throwing his hands in the air. Then the attention came back on you. “Which one of the ones that are here at the moment you’d like to fuck?” He spelled every word slowly and clearly like he was talking to a child,that at the moment wasn’t totally wrong. But before you could even think abaut it a voice came from behind you. “What the hell is goin'on, guys?” He asked a little bit angry. “Ask your little friend,it seems that she has something to tell you” Alistair explained while smirking at him. You didn’t know him because he was one of the two new mebmers and if you weren’t so drunk you’d have told him something for sure. But it was like you didn’t connect with the word so he was left in peace. Someone added “you’ve got her mate”. You weren’t sure if it was Toby or Harry, or maybe Guy? Or Dimitri. Your brain was just not working at all. “You fucking got her drunk, she’s a minor!” He insisted and then brang you up by your arm. He really had no idea how drunk you actually were untill you fell in his arms the moment you were on your feet. This only made him angrier. It remind him that he hadn’t protected you, like he was used to. “I’ve drunk a little bit” you told your friend loughing while he picked you up bridestyle and rolled his eyes. “I can see it. Thank you guys,really” his ironic comment just made them chuckle more. If it was possible. “Thank us later, Ed” Guy  winked at him even thought your best friend hadn’t understood what he meant yet. It rarely happened but he had already had enough of them so he just turned around and walked out of the pub with you in his arms.
*** You didn’t realized you were at home untill you were laid on a soft bed. You were so tired that you didn’t noticed it wasn’t yours. You felt someone taking off your shoes, then your jacket and the same hands caressing your hair and forhead. You were so relaxed, just abaut to get asleep when the effect of the liquor started to come out. A sudden sense of nausea made it through your stomach, but as soon as you got up to reach the bathroom, your head decided to take his revenge. You head was spinning, just like your stomach, your legs were too tired to bring you up so you did the only think you could think abaut.
“Ed!” It was a scream in your head,but actually just a whisper to his ears. Luckly Ed would always be there next to you. As soon as his arms were araund you, you gripped on his shirt so tight that your knuckles became white,almost like your face.“I feel sick” you came to say and he brought you to his bathroom where you finally freed yourself from all the alcohol you had taken in your body. After washing your mouth and face,obviously with a careful Ed right behind you(just in case your brain decided to pass out),you went again in his room,where you litterally fell on the bed. Ed followed you,laying on your left. After all this was his bed,in his room,in his house. “I’m never gonna leave you alone with my friends again,I promise.” He swore,serious like he’s never been before. You got up on your elbows to look at his face. His hair was a mess,not like yours but still a mess. His first three bottons of his shirt were open,revaling his few hair on his tonned chest. And his lips. It was like they were inviting you to come closer. It seemd that at least the 20% of the alcohol was still in your system,otherwise you couldn’t explain why and most of all where you found the courage to bring your lips to his. It was a little cast kiss. Just a touch. But that one touch made your blood boil in your veins. Your firts kiss, and he knew it so well. “I love you” you slowly whispered closing your eyes. You said it so softly that he wouldn'y have heard you if he wasn’t inches from you. Ed was shocked at first,like petrified,,but looking better at you he notice that you weren’t really you in that moment,which he found absolutely sad. Hell if he wanted to kiss you hard,to make you his. But he cared to much to take advantage on you, in that current state of yours. That’s why when you got closer again,he got up in one quick move and then just stare at you. No words from each of you. You just looked up at him,a confused and sad and curious expression written on your face. But his expression was scarier. Because it could not be read. Moments passed before he moved a muscle. And then,like nothing has happend he kissed you on your forhead again wishing you a good night. *** Your head had never felt heavier. That’s the first thing you thought when you woke up. You opened your eyes and realised it wasn’t your bed, you weren’t in your room. Ed entered his room in that moment and that scared you a little bit. ‘What the hell happened last night?’ You thought but you seemed to calm down when he smiled his friendly smile of his. You obviously returned the smile but still wondered why you were in his bed. So you asked him and He suddently tensed up, you could see it even if he was trying to hide it. Now you were worried again. “You got drunk last night,with the boys..” he explained as he came to sit on the bed next to you. “I brought you here and you fell asleep,that’s all” he quickly ended it with a nervous smile. And then he did what you were expecting. With both hands he took a hold on his collar and adjusted it. It was something he had always done when he was nervous,since you were children. It made you understand when he was lying. And right nnow he was lying to you. “Eddy..“you softly put your hand on his.”..tell me everything” He was serious again,it rarely happened that Ed Montgomery was serious and when he was,there was something to worry abaut. “It’s nothing,really..” “Ed.” “We just talked a litt..” “Ed!” You squeezed his hand and made him look at you. “Whatever happened last night,it’s not a problem,i was drunk” you tried to convince him but maybe you were trying to convince yourself as well. He just breathed a ‘yeah’ touching his hair but looking away from your eyes. “Did we..” you couldn’t belive you were asking that. Your cheeks turned to red in a matter of seconds when he opened wide his eyes and finally looked at you. But you couldn’t really say the S-word,it was too embaressing. “..you know..” you looked down and played with your fingers. “No! Never!” He immediately screamed. “Well,not if you’re drunk..” he was speaking so fast you couldn’t follow him,typic of Ed. “I’m not saying that i would fuck you,well not I would but-” “Goddamnit Ed!” You screamed making him finally stop talking. “Just tell me what happened” He looked down,then into your eyes again. “You kissed me.” He finally admitted. Now you were the one left with no words. You kissed Ed. As much as you tried to remember it, you couldn’t and it could be a bad or a good thing. If you didn’t remember kissing him you couldn’t even remember what you had felt. “And then..?” Was all you could come with. He was still reluctant but at this point there was no reason to deny it. “And then you said you love me” Your world fell apart in that moment. Did you really say it? But most important, did you really mean it? “I-i..” without thincking you jumped on your feet and ran downstairs. He followed you screaming your name, but in a matter of seconds you were already out of his house. You ran as fast as you could but then you thought that if he took his car,he’d reach you anyway. You had to hide, and you had to do it quickly, so you entered the nearest bar on the road. Big mistake.  You hadn’t noticed them untill they said ‘hello’ with their hands. Why did they always move together? Like a pack. You smiled while trying to catch your breath and soon Dimitri motioned me to come to their table. He moved to his right to live a seat for you. “No,I have to go..” “Really,where to?” Guy immediately asked. Where to? You didn’t even know. You couldn’t go anywhere, Ed would havd found you. Harry noticed you didn’t have an answer and told you to seat with them,which you did. “So..“he started smirking with the orher three. “Something that you wanna tell us?” Oh, if looks could kill..he would be dead the moment you layed your eyes on him. “I kissed Ed.” You said and the moment you realized it you slapped a hand on your mouth but it was already too late. They shared some looks and then Toby asked “did you like it?” You didn’t want to continue this conversation, even though the blame was on you that started it. “We know you like him,[Y/N],just tell him.” Guy said,and he seemed quite serious. “Now” Dimitri added,and then looked behind you. You turned araund just to see Ed breathing heavyly and coming right to your table. “We need to talk” was all he said as he took your hand. But for some strange reason you agreed with the Greek. You stood up and quiclkly left a little caste kiss on his lips. This was inevitably followed by they usual whistles,which you menaged to avoid. He was shocked at first but slowly a smile grew on his face. “I think I might love you ,Ed Montgomery” you smiled back at him. As you kissed again you heard Toby’s shout. “You’re welcome,mate!”
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blisterinballista · 3 years
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yo, kid- ya know miss miranda ova' there's yer future girlfriend, right? what's goin on in dat brain of yours, eh?
"I not a kid, shit! Hell you goin'on 'bout? I gots no chances wi'it... Bite's married!"
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