#the last time i remember a group of kids trying to pet nina was when she was a lot younger n they were respectful abt it lol

[latinokaeya-moving]

last rb was just regarding commentary bc i actually don’t agree w the og post that much wrt ‘doggo’ culture or whatever at the very least where i live i don’t think it’s really become a whole Thing like that lmao but the rest of the convo i thought was interesting so

[purplesurveys]

1264

Who are you subscribed to on YouTube?  Oh man, I’m probably subscribed to over a hundred, if not 200. I’ve subscribed to channels relevant to interests I’ve had over the years, and since it’s not my habit to do spring cleaning on my feeds, the subscriptions have just keep piling up even if I no longer keep up with literally like 98% of them.

Do you like to go to the farmer's market?  I don’t think I’ve ever been in one yet. They aren’t very common here and the ones we do have are pricey and mostly inaccessible to the everyday consumer, I’m sure.

What will (or was) the color of your wedding dress be?  I wouldn’t want any other color than white.

What's your favorite melon?  I don’t like fruits.

What was the name of the last pet of yours that died?  Arlee. Technically my family mostly considered her as just Nina’s pet, but the sting was felt all the same when we learned she died.

When was the last time you wished the day would just get over with?  Yesterday, because it was Friday. Pretty self-explanatory, I wanted to get to the weekend so I can finally let go of work for a couple of days.

Name one person you've never had a fight with:  Andi. I think we’re both afraid of pissing the other off, which works out for us lol.

What are you currently listening to?  I can just hear the really loud whirring of my electric fan because it’s a grossly humid day today.

What would you rather have: cat or dog?  Dogs.

Who is your least favorite person in real life?  I have a lot of uncles I just don’t like.

Do you ever watch anybody's live stream of... anything, really?  Technically, yeah. I will sometimes tune in to livestreams of lofi music on YouTube, but I do it to listen, not to watch. 

Does your house have security cameras?  No.

If you go grey as you age, would you dye your hair or let it be?  I think I might dye it for a certain period of time, but I also think I would eventually reach the point where I’ll just accept it and slowly let go of the dye.

What was the last establishment you stopped going to due to bad service? What happened?  I haven’t run into much bad service, but I’ll never forget how long my order and bill took for Mad Mark’s. I never really vowed per se to never go back there again and I definitely didn’t confront the staff, but I haven’t eaten there since that incident.

What soundtrack do you listen to the most?  Not a big soundtrack listener.

Was there a family secret you weren’t told about until you were an adult?  Nah, they’re kept from us until now. The biggest one I’ve heard about was having a kleptomaniac in the family but we were never told who it is.

Do you have an opinion most people you meet seem to disagree with you?  Yeah, my dislike for fruits.

What’s something you like to have many options to choose from?  Clothes, I guess, like bucket hats. I don’t shop a lot and clothes aren’t a priority in my budget, so when I do pick out clothes, it has to be exactly what I want so that I don’t feel it was a waste of money.

What’s the strangest decorative object you own?  We have several quirky, disconnected decor in the living room from gifts we’ve acquired over the years. One object I can tell you about is the polar bear glass figurine we have on the coffee table.

What’s a thing you couldn’t imagine doing with your life right now?  Dating around.

What’s been your proudest moment?  Managing to stay alive this year and turn my life around for the better when I thought there was no hope.

What’s the filthiest non-pornographic movie you’ve seen?  Eyes Wide Shut, probably.

Do you know anyone who doesn't seem to be fond of animals?  I don’t think so. Like any animal...? I would find that quite odd, honestly. And I wouldn’t want to be friends with them if we weren’t already close .

Are you planning any outings or trips anytime soon? Whereabouts?  No, nothing set in stone. I do want to fly out to South Korea soon, though.

Do you know anyone who has a phobia of a certain animal?  I know a few people who are afraid of dogs.

Is there a particular brand of technology/electronics that you prefer?  Yeah, Apple.

Is there a singer whose voice gives you goosebumps/chills?  Hayley Williams and Jin, especially when he’s belting; and I don’t listen to her much, but I find that Billie Eilish has a unique voice that sounds really nice.

And is there a singer whose voice you simply can't stand?  Selena Gomez for some of her songs, Meghan Trainor for most of her songs.

Are there any authors that are particularly dominant on your bookshelf?  No.

Have you seen any photographs or videos that made you smile today?  Sure.

Which item in your fridge are you most looking forward to consuming? My aunt sent over this gigantic-ass slab of salmon that I can’t wait to eat as sashimi. I already had a few pieces last night and it was hea ven ly.

Has anyone you know got into a new relationship lately?  Hmm, I don’t think so. I know my coworker Dev got into a relationship a few weeks ago but it fizzled out as soon as it started because the guy was shitty.

If you menstruate, do you experience much PMS prior to it?  Only on the emotional side; I rarely get physical symptoms. I usually feel down or emotionally heavy a few days before my period.

Have you ever had a tattoo covered up or added to?  No, I don’t have any tattoos. Can you remember the last time you had a sudden change of mind?  Hmm, like last night. I wanted to stay up to maximize the weekend, buuuut I decided against it and slept instead since I had been up since 2 in the morning.

When was the last time you did something on a whim?  Two weeks ago when I impulsively dropped a thousand bucks to have cheese tarts delivered to Angela and Reena, hahaha.

Were you raised by both of your parents? If not, then who raised you?  My mom, grandma, and one of my aunts were the main people who raised me. Dad works overseas, so he was never at home much.

Have you ever began a relationship with someone you knew for less than a week?  No, I wouldn’t do that.

Has one of your friends ever tried to ‘hook you up?’  Mik tried to pair me with one of his friends just days before I finally implied on social media that I was no longer in a relationship. It was a cool ego boost but I declined, since my emotions were still super turbulent then. Andi tried to initiate sex with me once too, but I also declined.

What is your card game of choice?  I hate card games; I can never seem to understand them lmao, though that’s really more of a me problem than anything else.

What is your favourite books series?  Growing up, I really loved the Septimus Heap series. But the thing about it was that I got into it while the series was still ongoing; and with how bad my attention span is, I always forgot the events/plot whenever the newest book came out. 

So whenever that happened I had to read the entire series from Book 1; eventually the number of books I had to reread/revisit became too many (it was a seven-part series) and I simply just lost the time to read and I never got to know about the conclusion.

Do you prefer landmarks or street names when being given directions?  Street names – more precise. Landmarks to me can be pretty subjective – a green building might look blue to me, and I could just end up being lost.

Do you read the prologues in the beginnings of books?  Sure.

What was your favourite gym class moment?  If I genuinely like or already play the sport that was being taught. That’s why PE table tennis was a lot of fun for me.

Do you think that ocean boardwalks are fun?  I’ve never been on one but I imagine they are fun, yeah.

Do you dread when people ask you to sign their yearbooks?  That’s not a tradition here.

Do you have a favourite Scooby-Doo movie?  No. I was too young for Scooby-Doo in a sense that I do remember watching the movies as a 3/4 year old as they were kept on in the background at home, but I didn’t get any of the plots/didn’t really appreciate the films.

Do you think it’s cute when toddlers try to run away and fall down?  Sometimes, yeah. If the fall looked nasty I would obviously be concerned.

Do you enjoy listening to your grandparents tell stories of their past?  Honestly, only one of my grandparents would be the type to do this but he’s been dead for six years now. It’s a big shame he passed before I could bond with him the way I had always wanted to. My three other grandparents are either too closed off or too quiet to share stories from their youth.

Do you have a crush on someone? Nah, nothing more than a celebrity crush.

If so... what does his/her name begin with? 

What attracts you to them? 

Do they know that you like them? 

If they don't know, why didn't you tell them? 

Name two people that you miss:  Angela and Laurice.

Have you ever seen Titanic?  More times than I can count. I’m sure I memorize like 80% of the script, too.

Have you ever swam with dolphins?  No. I’m not so sure if I’ve seen dolphins, either. Maybe I have? Or maybe I’m confusing it with whales...idrk.

When was the last time you had a stomachache?  Wednesday.

What's going to bed early for you?  11 PM or midnight.

Do you want to have a big family in the future?  I used to, but I don’t think that’s the future I want anymore. One or two kids should be okay.

What was the last thing you did that gave you a rush?  Technically speaking, an orgasm, I guess?? Lmao idk

Favorite Nicholas Cage movie?  I don’t think I have one.

Have you had your Covid vaccine yet? Which one, if you have?  Yeah, I’m fully dosed. Sinovac.

If you've had your vaccine, did you experience any side effects?  I was suuuuuuper tired right after my first dose and I wanted to be knocked the fuck out, but I went right back to work after the shot because I am allergic to filing leaves hahaha. Second dose went smoothly.

What's the next item of clothing that you intend to buy for yourself?  A bucket hat or maybe one of the Fila x BTS shirts because the collection is actually quite cute!

What Facebook groups have you found the most helpful?  I join Facebook groups to be entertained, not because I actively look for advice.

Do you like your butt? Why or why not?  Yeah. It...has a good form hahahahahaha.

Have you ever personally been a victim of homophobia?  Yes, a few years ago I went to a food park with my ex-girlfriend. I was already not feeling my best that day to begin with, so having to see an old woman stare daggers at us for what felt like years really stung. I felt small under her look and almost cried, but in the end I felt angry that I momentarily felt shame about my relationship. I decided to just piss the woman off on purpose and do PDA right in front of her.

Do you think you’d be happier if you had a pet? I have two dogs at present and I know they make me extremely happy.

Who was the last person you went on a date with?  Gabie.

Were you ever hospitalized as a little kid?  No. The first and only time I was hospitalized (other than being birthed), I was about 12, I think.

What’s your favorite way to curl your hair?  I don’t do that. I rarely style my hair.

At what age did you start swearing?  I was 11.

What is something you physically can’t do?  Ride a bike.

What do like better, apples or oranges?  I don’t like any fruits; but in terms of flavored stuff, I like orange-flavored food, especially chewy candy, slightly more.

Around the holidays, do you hope for snow?  Well, no.

What are your top two favorite bands?  Paramore and Against Me!

How many people do you 100% trust?  There are a handful. I generally trust easily just because I like to believe all people are kind and loyal – but I can also take it away in the snap of a finger.

Do you care what others think about you?  Not so much.

Has anyone ever called you a bitch?  Sure.

Did you watch Teletubbies when you were younger?  Yeah but just super super faint memories. It wasn’t one of my main shows.

Do you have any licenses other than your driver's license?  I don’t.

Could you live the rest of your life without eating meat?  I doubt it. I could try, but I think I’d get cranky and start looking for meat way earlier than I would like to admit.

Have you ever had a rolling backpack?  Yup, if you mean a stroller. I think I’ve answered this on a previous survey.

Did you make any money today?  No, because it’s a weekend. What was the highest place you've ever jumped from?  Nothing dramatically high. I’ve had acrophobia-themed nightmares in the past, so even though I don’t actually have a fear of heights, the idea of jumping from a high place still makes me antsy.

Have you ever gone swimming in a river?  Not that I can recall.

What was the last souvenir someone got you?  I dunno if it counts but Andi bought merch from the AEW shop but made sure to also get a CM Punk sticker set for me :(

Do you have a favorite remix of a song?  Remixes have never been my thing. What do you think is the most saddest sounding instrument?  Piano.

Do you really pay attention to the ratings on movies?  Yeah they can definitely affect the level of appreciation I hold towards a film. For instance, if I genuinely enjoyed a movie only to find out it has average to bad reviews, it invites me to think more critically about the movie.

Do you have a favorite species of wild cat (tiger/lion/cougar/etc.)?  No.

If you had $500,000, what would you do with it?  Give half to my parents and let them do whatever they wish it. With the remaining P12,500,000, I’d probably get myself my own condo and have it fully furnished, then get braces, then get a new phone and laptop. I’ll have a bunch of money still left, I’m pretty sure – the rest of it I’ll save.

Did the last person you touched lips with have a kid?  No. I mean, I have honestly no clue what’s going on in her life now, but I know she doesn’t want kids so this is very unlikely.

"First loves are never really over." Is this true for you?  It’s true in a sense that she left me a lot of trauma and self-esteem issues that will irrevocably always be a part of me now even though I’ve worked hard to resolved most of them by myself.

Did you like Michael Jackson before he died?  Yes, because he has always been my favorite singer’s role model.

What are some things that would make you break up with someone?  I don’t know how to answer this question, honestly. All the red flags were thrown and tossed and slapped into my face and down my throat for six years yet I never left. I don’t actually know what my limits are, and I believe it’s because my coping mechanism has to just accept things and suck them up no matter how bad they get. That’s what I’m trying to change for myself now.

What was the worst breakup you've ever had?  I’ve had two breakups with the same person, and the second one was worse.

[artificialqueens]

How Far I'll Go - Chapter 4 (Nina West/Monet X Change) - Meggie, Mia Ugly

A/N: This chapter was getting out of hand (pushing 13k and not even close), so we decided to split it so we can get out an update and not have to worry about mincing words as we finish up the second half of the chapter. This one is still lengthy (9k)!

Prior – Nina and Vanjie ended up in the top during the first episode, with Vanjie taking the first win of AS5.

To come – Nina learns a secret, shares a secret, and has a realization.

Chapter Four - never looked at me this way before

Nina wakes up and is still on Drag Race.

It is an ungodly hour and he barely remembers his head hitting the pillow; they filmed a bunch of talking head interviews after the runway, and wrote letters for Laganja, and de-dragged and ate what little takeout they could stomach at one a.m. It’s only two days in and he feels the exhaustion in his bones, but Good God Girl is he happy that he survived the first elimination. Not only survived, but was in the top two. Got to dance it out against Vanjie, got to watch Monet in the audience, smiling all white and shiny like some sort of monster (he’s got to know the effect he has, right? Has to know).

Nina forces himself out of bed with a not entirely silent groan, tries to immerse himself in his Disney princess fantasy where little bluebirds are singing to him, fluttering around helping him get ready, bringing him his towel and razor and - actually, bluebirds armed with razor blades might not be exactly Disney’s brand. He can workshop that bit.

He showers, shaves, tries to dress quickly. He wanted his Werk Room aesthetic to be a bit less “quirky elementary school teacher” this season, but when he looks over his choice of boy clothes, he realizes that that just might be his actual aesthetic - on TV or off. Damn. Well, whatever. He’ll never be Vanjie, fashion-wise, but at least he’s not Brooke.

Nina gathers his things in a hurry because he wants to get downstairs for breakfast before the rest of the girls invade. It (probably) has nothing to do with the fact that the mentors meet fifteen minutes before the contestants come down to get their briefing for the day’s challenges. He’s (probably) not trying to run into Monet.

Things are decidedly less awkward after they hugged it out on the runway and even danced a little. Monet had his hands on Nina’s hips for a moment there, said how proud of him he was (and damn it, that lights something up in Nina that he doesn’t want to look at too closely). Even though he hadn’t won the lip-sync, even though Vanjie essentially wiped the stage with him, Monet was proud.  Happy he’d chosen Nina to be an X-Queen.  

Something dangerous could be brewing if Nina were going downstairs early just because he wanted to bump into Monet this morning, try to make him laugh because that smile is just - something else, or find out how he takes his coffee or -

But Nina isn’t. So it’s fine. Everything’s fine.

Just peachy.

Nina bounces on his toes as he presses the call button for the elevator and waits. He feels good, more relaxed. Getting past the first episode is hardest; no one wants to be the first one out (unless you’re Vanessa, then you take that shit and run with it). And he has a trip to the Bahamas under his belt. That’s something to look forward to. He’ll take his drag mother, maybe; it’s not like they’ll let him substitute the dogs for a Plus One.

The elevator dings and Nina, still lost in thoughts of sandy beaches and the hot sun on his shoulders, takes a second to recognize the couple wrapped around each other in the back corner.  Probably wouldn’t have recognized them at all, given how smashed together they are - a gasping, moaning, many-limbed organism - except for the fact that they immediately pull away from each other, looking wide-eyed with panic at the elevator doors.

“Oh.” Nina tries his best to maintain a neutral expression as he gets into the elevator and turns conspicuously around. “So I guess you guys are speaking again.”

Brooke and Vanjie are silent behind him.  Nina counts down the floors. After all that weirdness yesterday, they’ve apparently - worked things out. Or something. Nina is not in the headspace to think about it right now.

Eventually Brooke clears his throat, says “Good morning,” like he’s Nina’s manager at work or something.

“Yep, hi, good -” Nina says, just as the elevator lands on the ground floor with a thump.  Nina steps out without waiting for the two of them (because he has first-hand knowledge of being mortified in elevators and knows that the last thing you want is company) and walks briskly to the conference room.

The mentors are just finishing their meeting and starting breakfast. Production thinks it’s fair to let them have meals together, but the P.A.s are never far away, making sure none of the competitors get an unfair advantage from too much early information.

Trixie’s tapping away at her cell phone with one hand and shoveling cereal into her mouth with the other. Vanjie hadn’t been kidding when he said Trixie was always on the grind. Nina’s half impressed by her dedication to be working at 7:30 in the morning and half - concerned? Maybe he’s glad Trixie passed him over during the draft.

Monet is staring down a plate of pancakes, but he looks up and smiles when Nina comes into the room.

“Bubble Guns!” Monet calls, and Nina can only assume he’s being summoned. (Because, logically, no one else carried bubble guns into the Werk Room during their entrance. And, logically, who else would Monet be talking to? Nina’s the first to arrive other than the mentors and the crew.) “See hos, this is what a winner looks like. You all might wanna have a word with your girls about it.”

“I think my girls are good, thanks,” Trixie says deadpan, without looking up from her phone. There is a crease between her eyebrows and - now that Nina really sees her, she looks extremely tired.

“Bubble Guns?” Nina asks because he can’t not mention that.

“Just trying it out. Officially you’re still Jean Grey, this is more like a pet name. Like honey or snookums. You like it?”

“Nope,” Nina says quickly, and Monet laughs.  Nina files that laugh away for when he needs it. There’s something about the low husk of Monet’s voice that makes him get all - distracted. Yeah, let’s go with distracted. And that’s the last thing he can afford to be right now, but sometimes it’s easy to forget -

His attention shifts as Brooke comes into the conference room, followed by Vanjie thirty seconds later. Vanjie’s mouth is swollen, and Brooke’s neck is red and blotchy from beard-burn.  It all seems incredibly, stupidly obvious to Nina but then, he’s working with some additional information. Anyway, he notices.

And Monet notices him noticing.

“I’ll see you and Asia in the Werk Room, yeah?” The laughter is gone from Monet’s mouth, he’s suddenly all business. “Go get some food in you.”

“Right.”

Nina Bo’nina and Shea have come in, and Vanjie makes a beeline to them, voice getting immediately louder and growlier. Nina grabs some toast and finds a seat off in the corner where Brooke is alone, drinking coffee and eating nothing. He gives Nina a cautious smile as he sits down across from him.

“Sooo…” Nina starts around a mouthful of toast, and Brooke’s face goes stoney.

“Yes?”

“Just um, wondering. What’s going on.”

“Nothing.” But contrary to his words, Brooke’s eyes immediately clock Vanjie’s laugh across the room. He seems to realize what he’s doing, and decides to stare at his coffee instead. “It’s - nothing. We talked last night and - you know, things just happened.”

Things just happened. Right. Thoughts are running through Nina’s head - and some of them are probably unfair. His first helpless reaction is judgement, and that’s not his usual go-to. He doesn’t like being that person (live your life, stand in your truth, etc.) but come the fuck on, Brooke. Things don’t just happen between two people with this much history, especially when one half of that equation is clearly stupid in love and the other half is in denial.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Brooke says, saving Nina from any sort of soapboxing he might feel tempted to do. “We’re adults, I’m not -”

“I’m not looking at you like anything.” Nina raises his hands, only lying a bit. “I just worry. About both of you.”

“Well don’t.” Brooke’s in a mood this morning, but at least he seems to realize it. “Sorry. Just ignore me until I’ve had another coffee, I don’t know what my problem is.”

Nina suspects that they both know what Brooke’s problem is, but he doesn’t offer that up.  And apparently, whatever Nina witnessed in the elevator that morning was just for the elevator, because Brooke and Vanjie don’t have a word to say to each other during breakfast or after. They leave separately, and Nina leaves a few minutes later, giving a “casual goodbye nod” (you know, like a normal person does) to Monet on his way out. Monet nods back but is deep in an intense-looking conversation with Trixie and Alaska. Nina leaves them to it.

Both Brooke and Vanjie are subdued during the filming of the Werk Room entrance. Nina wonders if they’re thinking about last season, the many times they came into this room all tangled up with each other, or kissed for luck before moving to their stations (if Nina’s thinking about it, he can’t imagine they aren’t). Now Brooke and Vanjie are at opposite sides of the pack, Vanjie grinning at Nina Bo’nina’s goofy dance moves, and Brooke just off by himself, working his worn-out red hoodie like he’s on a runway.

They all gather in a group to talk about the elimination, and get Blair’s take on being safe.  She’s not crying yet, which is a good start.

“It’s a wake up call. I’m ready to show the judges that I mean business,” she says with a mild air of confidence, “that I have more to offer than I did last night.”

“Yeah you do, girl,” Vanjie says warmly. “That’s why I kept you.”

“Speaking of Miss Vaaaanjie…” Shea uses that moment to shift the conversation. “How you feel about being a winner, baby?”

Vanjie laughs. “Lord Jesus, I think it’s about damn time. If I didn’t win something this season, I was gonna send my own ass home.”

“Dela already trademarked that shit, you ain’t original,” Nina Bo’nina tells him. “She’ll take you to court about it.”

“I ain’t scared of no Seattle queen, Mary,” Vanjie sounds so authentically offended that everyone, even Brooke, cracks up. “Nah, for real. They all up there, drinking coffee and being polite and shit - practically Canadian.”

He darts a look at Brooke, who arches one eyebrow and steeples his hands like the cartoon villain some fans think he is.

“I’ll have you know that Canadians can be… extremely shady,” Brooke says, a hint of a joke in his voice.

“Bitch, you don’t gotta tell me. You already gone and proved it.”

The other queens laugh, following Brooke’s lead, but Vanjie’s tone is a little bit sharp, and things are starting to feel - not uncomfortable, but like they could be heading in that direction. Nina wracks his brain, trying to think of something kind and clever to say that would re-route the conversation - when they are rescued by their Lord and Savior RuPaul.

“Hello, hello, hello!” he calls, coming into the Werk Room.

“Thank God,” Nina hears Cracker say under her breath, and he can’t help but agree.

Then all of the mentors follow Ru down the stairs, and Nina stops thinking about anything at all.

“Look who I found at the bus stop!”

Nina immediately (and unintentionally) catches Monet’s eye, flinches, and gives him an awkward wave (a wave? Why did you wave? You could have smiled or just - looked away but - waving like a passenger on the Titanic, Nina, oh my God). Monet makes an extremely amused face and waves awkwardly back.

“Ladies.  For today’s maxi challenge you’ll be performing in three All Stars ‘she-quels’ that honour our… scissor sisters.” Ru raises an eyebrow. “You will be placed in teams of three to create follow-up scenes from famous movies about women that looove women. Not to give Mommy Hytes an unfair advantage.”

Brooke smiles and licks his lips, clearly knowing where his fanbase is.

“I’m the Mommy on this show, and don’t forget it.” Ru glares in mock fury at Brooke for a moment before smiling brightly once again. “Now to separate a cast of this - quality - into teams, I think we’re going to need a little muscle.  Oh Pit Crewwwww.”

The very attractive (and probably very cold) Pit Crew come into the Werk Room armed with blankets and pillows. (Nina has had this dream before - but usually RuPaul wasn’t in the mix.)

“Who’s up for a little slumber party with your best squirrel-friends?”

The queens around Nina all raise their hands, none of them as quick as Brooke. Nina’s first reaction is to see how Vanjie’s doing with all of that, but then he puts it out of his mind. He’s more than a bystander in their love story, right? He’s gotta be.

They stop filming so that two Set Dec can come in and arrange the pillows and blankets in a cozy circle on the floor. The queens all find a seat there, interspersed with members of the Pit Crew. They film a bit of B-roll of them painting each other’s nails, doing a massage chain, pillow fighting, etc. Nina doesn’t really know where this is going, but when Ru puts an empty Absolut Vodka bottle in the middle of the circle, something awful rattles loose from the deep, dark forest of his repressed high school memories.

“To choose your teams for this challenge, we’re going to play a nice wholesome game of Spin-the-Bottle. Mentors, to keep things professional, you may leave the circle. Pit Crew, you stay right where you are.”

Nina glances helplessly at Monet as he gets up and then helps Trixie to her feet. It’s a stupid move, and when Monet inevitably realizes he’s being stared at and catches Nina’s eye, Nina immediately looks away. Probably turns red or something, breaks out in hives. You know, whatever would make him seem like the most pathetic person ever.

“Miss Vanjie. Nina West. Because you were our top All Stars in the Talent Show, you will be picking teams. And if you feel like giving your new teammates a little sugar, I’ll allow it. But no pinkie fingers. Let’s keep it clean this season.” A wink at Brooke.

Vanjie is up first, and his spin immediately lands on that delicious ginger in the Pit Crew. (Bryce? His name might be Bryce.) From the sidelines, Trixie Mattel feigns disappointment and Nina vaguely remembers some kind of flirtation between the two of them on All Stars 3.

Brooke’s face freezes, but Vanjie only gives Bryce a kiss on each cheek, ignoring the cat calls from the other queens.

“Thank God!” Trixie says loudly. Too loudly. “You know that I’m the only queen for you, Brycie.”

Her tone is - weird and over the top (more than the usual over the top Trixie) but Nina can’t think about that now. He’s really good at taking on other people’s problems to avoid the problems in his own life, and that’s - okay, it’s an issue, but it’s an issue he can’t fix in the next 15 minutes and he has other things to worry about.

Nina goes next. Maybe he has a lot of emotions about the fact that the mentors are no longer in the circle (like - oh God what if he had had to kiss Monet? And OH GOD, what if he had had to kiss Monet?) but he puts them to the side. He’s strategizing, doing his best Brooke Lynn Hytes Ice Queen of the North impersonation and thinking about who would be the most strategic pick. Not that strategy has any place in this but you know…

The bottle lands on… Nina lets out a laugh.

It’s pointing right at Blair, whose smile grows wide as she stares Nina down across the circle.

“I do declare!” Nina says (he knows Blair can act, is going to steadfastly hope for the best) and he kisses Blair on the hand while she fans herself like a proper Southern belle.

“Try to pick a teammate this time,” Ru tells Vanjie, as he spins the bottle again. “Or Bryce maybe.”

Vanjie’s spin almost lands on Bryce again (“Whore!” Trixie yells) but when it finally stops, it’s definitely pointing at Asia. Vanjie beams, crawling over to her and giving her a messy and handsy fake kiss while the other girls shriek with laughter (not Brooke though. There’s a smile on his lips but it looks like it was hung there with a hammer).

Nina spins again, pretty satisfied with anyone that could end up on her team. It’s All Stars, baby, these queens are all winners. The bottle spins and spins -

“She’s got the endurance,” Ru comments.

-then slows and stops… in front of Miz Cracker.

Cracker glances flatly up at Nina before breaking into a little victory dance. She crawls over to Nina and leans in for a kiss before pulling away, covering her mouth.

“Wait, are you kosher?”

Nina cocks his head to the side. “I do enjoy sausage.”

Cracker clicks her tongue. “Better not risk it.” They settle for a handshake.

“Team Nina West is complete!” Ru comments with a wide grin. “Miss Vanjie, spin again. Then our remaining queens will make up the third team.”

Vanjie makes a show of blowing on his fingertips before he spins. And wouldn’t you fucking know it -

“Brooke Lynn Hytes!” Ru announces, no doubt extremely happy at the drama that’s about to unfold.

Vanjie’s eyebrows twitch, that little ripple of pain, before he smiles fake and flawless.

“Oh no, Mary.” He doesn’t move from his place in the circle. “Been there done that. That queen already got these cookies.”

Brooke smiles flatly, blows a kiss that Vanjie ignores.

“Now that means that Shea Coulee, Nina Bo’nina Brown, and Ivvvvy Wiiinters will make up the final team.  Ladies, you three will be performing a scene from the film Carol.”

Damn it, that’s a supergroup right there. Nina forces himself not to worry. He’s got Cracker (and himself, but stay humble, girl), they’ll be golden.

“Team Vanjie.” Ru turns his attention to the source of all the awkward tension in the room. “You’ll be performing a scene from the film Monster.”

Brooke and Asia instantly go wide-eyed in the exact same way (while Vanjie does a little shrug. A moment later, the title seems to make an impact: “Shit, is that with Charlize being all ugly and killin’ dudes?”)

“That’s the one,” Ru says nodding.

Asia and Brooke still haven’t lost the look of panic on their faces, and Nina can’t really blame them.  How are they supposed to make Monster funny? It’s the saddest story ever - though Nina can see Brooke giving off a bit of an Aileen Wuornos energy. Hmm, there’s a thought.

“Finally, Team Nina West. You’ll be performing a scene from a film that is near and dear to my heart - for absolutely no reason that I can think of - But I’m a Cheerleader!”

Oh my God. Nina can’t hold back his delight. He loves that film, it’s camp as hell, and RuPaul was in it - they’re going to have to turn it out, but Cracker and Blair are stand-out queens. He knows they can do it.

“Mentors, you’ll have the chance to check in on your queens as they rehearse, as well as co-direct the scenes during filming. And tomorrow’s runway theme is another nod to our sapphic sisters: Lavender Menace. Gentlemen, start your engines. And may the best woman win!”

*****

Nina ends up eating lunch with Vanjie again, the two of them sitting cross-legged on the ground with sandwiches like a couple of kids on a picnic. They talk a little bit about how rehearsals are going (without ever once mentioning Brooke’s name) but Vanjie is constantly furtive and shifty-eyed. Nina doesn’t have to guess why.

“Whatever you wanna say, I already know it,” Vanjie says quietly, after a pause in the conversation goes on a beat too long to be comfortable. “You’re gonna tell me to be careful or I’m being stupid or something, and really bitch? I been telling myself that all day.”

“Well.” To be honest, Nina had been planning to say most of those things. This is easier. At least it will save some time. “Okay then.”

“‘Sides, it ain’t going to happen again.”

Nina raises his eyebrows, and Vanjie scowls at him.

“It ain’t! I ain’t doing that again, no ma’am. Me and your girl, we’re done. Don’t pretend you never had an itch to scratch. It don’t have to mean nothing, right? And it sure as hell don’t mean nothing to him.” A flicker of pain crosses Vanjie’s face before he presses his lips together, manages a smirk that’s shaped more like a broken heart. “Bitch, I seen you and your walk of shame after that finale, you know how it is.  And you still ain’t told me who it was.”

“Uh. No.” He coughs. “No, I did not.” How did this conversation get so quickly out of Nina’s control? “A – gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

“You think you’re some kinda gentleman? With your dress undone and your wig over your arm? You a ho just like the rest of us.” Vanjie grins, delighted. “If it was just some random trade you wouldn’t be so shook up about it. It’s gotta be someone we know.”

“I’m not shook up. I just – it was nothing. A one-night thing.” It hurts to say, more than Nina expected it would. But he knows it’s true. He has to know. And if there had maybe been the possibility of it turning into something more – even just lunch – Nina certainly put an end to that the next morning.

“Girl, look at who you’re talking to. You think – you think I don’t know that lie when I hear it?” Vanjie swallows, smiles weakly. “I been there, right?”

“Vanjie-”

“So who was it? Another queen? Bitch, you kaikai-ing with Yvie? I remember there being some kissing –”

“No.”

“Hmmph. Nah, you right. Miss Scarlet would’ve already murdered your ass in the ballroom with the lead pipe, Mary.” Vanjie narrows her eyes, thinking it over. “It wasn’t any of the Dream Girls - though Silk would climb you like a tree, you give her half the chance.”

“Can we talk about something else? I really don’t want to -”

“Who were you talking to that night? ‘Cause I fucked off early. Was it -”

“How’s it going, Jean Grey?” Monet’s low voice interrupts them. “Hey there, Miss Vanjie.”

Vanjie cranes his head back to beam up at Monet who is standing, arms-folded, above them. “Hey girl! You come to try to steal me for your team? I ain’t messing with Miss Trixie, no ma’am. You piss her off then Katya’s coming after your ass, and that bitch crazy.”

Monet laughs. “Okay, fine. Fair. Won’t even try it. Came over here to ask Miss Nina West if she wanted to run lines with me and Cracks after lunch. What you think?” He rubs the back of his neck.

“Sounds great. Yeah. Thanks.” Nina looks up at Monet, tries not to turn too obviously into a puddle.

“Don’t thank me, I got wig money on the line.” Monet winks, smiles, places a hand on Nina’s shoulder. It lingers for a moment too long. “I’ll come grab you after.”

“Okay.” He watches Monet walk off, then looks back at Vanjie.

Whose mouth is hanging open.

“Oh, bitch.”

“Stop,” Nina warns.

“Bitch!” Vanjie repeats, swatting Nina’s leg playfully. “Okay, I see you, Miss Nina.”

“Please, don’t,” Nina begs.

Vanjie raises an eyebrow and presses his lips together into a tight smirk, but Nina knows this isn’t done, won’t be done until Vanjie has the details he craves.

“It - oh, God - okay.” Nina sighs. “There was a lot of tequila involved and bad decisions and now it’s kind of weird.”

“I bet,” Vanjie says, and then bites his lip. “Was it good? I mean, Monet looks like he’d be good. So was it good?”

Nina’s face catches fire, he’s sure of it. Positive there are flames shooting off his forehead from how hard he’s blushing. And he hates it, because he knows that gives more away than his words would.

“Ha! So it’s like that. Damn.” Vanjie sits back, looking far too amused. “Miss Nina and Miss Monet… I gotta say though…” He pauses and takes a long drink of water from the bottle at his side, no doubt for dramatic effect. “Didn’t neither one of y’all look like it was nothing just now.”

“Well it - it was.  Nothing. And I - the next morning, I - there are some things that -”

Vanjie takes pity on his inability to form a sentence. “Listen, girl. I’m just saying - you looked good. Together, I mean. And it can be nice to have a piece of something when the competition gets intense.”

Vanjie tries to look down and not across the room at Brooke, where he’s sitting and laughing with Shea, Ivy, and Asia, but fails. He shakes his head (only slightly, but Nina sees).

Maybe Nina isn’t the only one here who spends time trying to fix other people’s relationships instead of worrying about his own.

He clears his throat. “It… He’s my mentor. Even if I was interested - and I’m not saying that I am - and even if he were interested, which obviously he isn’t - anyway, the point is it wouldn’t work. At least, not on Drag Race.” What he doesn’t add is that he’s seen a relationship blossom on national television, and he isn’t keen to experience the raw heartbreak that is Branjie.

“Mmm.” Vanessa’s tone is introspective. “Drag Race ain’t forever.“

Vanjie’s always been able to read into things beyond surface value. Nina was half-convinced that was the reason Brooke and Vanjie would make it.  Vanjie seemed to see things in Brooke that Brooke didn’t even see in himself. Noticed when Brooke was getting in his head, getting too anxious. Knew without a word when Brooke had to be left alone, and when he needed someone to make him laugh. It was a weird symbiotic thing they had for a bit, and Nina had envied it, even as he’d been happy for his friends.  He thought it was - something.

“Please don’t tell anybody, okay? Not even Brooke.”

“I told you. Me and your girl - we’re done. It’s gotta be like that.” Vanjie only sounds a bit like he’s drowning. “Your secret’s safe. But listen, don’t throw shade at your own damn self.  Monet… He’s good. Like good and nice and shit. Like you. So just think about it.”

Nina nods, all while fully intending to try as hard as he can to not think about it. But with Monet fluttering around the break room, laughing and dancing with Trixie and smiling that perfect smile, he knows that’s going to be easier said than done.

*****

“My name is Graham and I like girls!” Blair chirps.

Monet purses his lips. “Hmm. Okay. So let’s do it again and… I don’t really know how to say this other than… Butch it up a little?”

Blair nods, but Nina can sense the frustration building.

They’ve been running lines for three hours and it’s not going well. The three of them have read over the script, selected their chosen roles, and consulted with Monet (who thought it was brilliant and hilarious to have Nina - with his line-backer shoulders - play the wholesome cheerleader Megan. The way he laughed when he described it made something special and intense fire in Nina’s stomach, and he’s got to get control of that.  Especially now that Vanjie knows? Damn it. Put it in a box and kick that box into the sun.)

“My name is Graham and I like girls!” Blair says again, and her tone is… exactly the same. It’s very Blair. And there’s nothing wrong with that per se, it’s just not what they need for this challenge.

Monet nods and quirks his lips into a terse smile. “Maybe let’s take a break.”

Nina turns to Cracker, who’s playing the repressed Born Again camp counselor.

“I think we’re getting there!”

Cracker scoffs and rolls her eyes before stomping off after Monet.

Blair slumps into a chair against the wall and looks up at Nina miserably. “I’m really screwing this up.”

“No,” Nina lies and sits down next to her.  “You’re shaken, that’s understandable. Just relax and you’ll be fine.”

“I just… I don’t get this character at all.” Blair tosses her script on the floor. “I’m really trying, I am, but like - I’m so afraid I’m going to be sent home. And I’m probably going to be sent home, now, because I’m screwing this up and it’s all I can think about.”

Nina remembers that feeling all too well, relates intensely to Blair’s feeling of inadequacy. But - damn it, all their lives are on the line here. He’s got to get Blair out of her head, even if it means - changing things up. Giving up the role that made Monet laugh like he was dying. Nina can - he can do it.  It’s not the first time. It worked out okay for him and Brooke last year (okay for Nina anyway. Brooke did - substantially better with that arrangement). And Nina was… Safe. He can handle safe. Safe is good at this point.

“So.” Nina clears his throat, steels himself for what’s coming. “Which character would you rather play?” Brace for impact. Do it for the greater good.

Blair chews her thumbnail. “Honestly, I think the uber-religious one?  Cracker’s? Like maybe my tone would fit better? I can do repressed gay, I mean - I’m from Indiana.”

YES! I mean, fine. The greater good.

Nina tries not to seem too obviously relieved.

“Okay! Okay.  So now we just have to convince Cracker to switch roles with you. To be honest, I feel like she could probably pull off Graham.” (Surly, sarcastic - yeah, Cracker will have no problem there.) “You should be the one to ask her though - since she and I… well.  I mean. You guys are Season 10 sisters! Can you do that?”

Blair nods. “Yes. Yeah, I’ll ask her. Thanks Nina! I feel better about this already.”

Nina plasters on his best Miss Congeniality smile, hopes he doesn’t seem too worried. He isn’t. Not really.

While Blair chases after Monet and Cracker, Nina looks across the Werk Room at the other teams.  Nina Bo’nina, Ivy, and Shea’s team is falling over with laughter - Shea in a perfect blonde Cate Blanchett wig and a tailored fifties dress that is doing everything for her. Nina knows that confidence doesn’t necessarily lead to a winning performance, but in this case, he doesn’t see how they could fail.

Brooke, Vanjie, and Asia  - that’s a different story. Brooke has definitely gotten into serial killer mode, but he and Vanjie are staring grim-faced at their scripts, clearly frustrated. Even though he can’t hear what they’re saying, Nina can see the way Brooke keeps getting distracted when Vanjie speaks, or when he gets too close. Vanjie’s eyes keep getting darker and darker, and poor Asia is stuck trying to pull the two of them together while keeping them apart.

Brooke must feel Nina watching him because he looks up and gives him a painfully fake pageant smile.

Nina smiles back with wide, panicked eyes, gives Brooke a brittle thumbs up (at least that makes Brooke laugh).  He wishes he could say that his team would at least do better than Brooke and Vanjie’s - but at this point, barring a miracle from Saint Cracker, he has no idea how that’s going to happen.

He looks down at his script.  Works on memorizing the lines now that he knows Blair isn’t gunning for his role (he’s basically got them down already, comes with the territory). He tells himself that he’s lived through situations inconceivably worse than this one (and he really, really has) so no matter what, he doesn’t have to feel like there’s a badger in his chest, savaging his liver. What happens, happens; go big, be kind, etc.

“You’re looking pressed as hell.”

It’s a testament to how distracted Nina is that Monet can slip into the seat beside him without Nina even noticing.

“You don’t have to be. Cracks and Blair are talking it out. Think they’re going to switch roles. How you feeling, Bubble Guns?”

“Um.” The nickname takes him aback a little. He said he didn’t like it, but come on; he likes the fact that Monet is still paying attention to him. Still invested in him. Even if it’s mostly because there’s money and prestige and basically winning another season on the line.

“Don’t get all green on me, girl.” Monet sighs. “You should feel fine. You were… You were killing it in rehearsals, okay? You’re a funny bitch, Nina West. You got this.”

Nina nods. Forces himself to focus on the words on the script in front of him and not the way that his first and last name roll together effortlessly off Monet’s tongue, the way his deep, rich voice wraps around each syllable, caresses it.

“Thanks,” Nina mutters, flipping the edges of his script. “But I don’t know—”

Then Monet pulls the script from his hands, takes Nina’s in his own, lays his hands on top of Nina’s palms, and faces him. Head on.

“That’s the thing we need to stop,” Monet says quietly. “I know you. You run shit in Columbus, Queen Nina West. Where’s that confidence?”

“This isn’t Columbus. It’s different here,” Nina manages to get out, hands burning under the weight of Monet’s on top of his. He won’t be the first to pull away no matter how much he’s tempted, no matter how much of a bad idea this feels like.

Monet tips his head to the side. “It’s as different as you make it. Deep breaths now. We gotta get this anxiety thing under control if you’re gonna win a crown.”

Nina angles his body until he’s facing Monet straight on, then they lock eyes, and Nina lets Monet guide him.

In, out. Nina feels like his heart might pound through his chest.

In, out. Monet’s eyes aren’t just brown, they’re mahogany, notes of purple and maroon and gold in the depths.

In, out. He might imagine it, but Nina thinks he can feel his pulse sync with Monet’s in the same way their breaths are flowing together, a slow beat running through their palms.

In, out. Monet might be leaning closer, but Nina could also just be concentrating way too hard on those eyes that aren’t really brown and the feeling of Monet’s fingers on his and—

“Monet!” It’s Cracker from across the room. Her hands are on her hips, eyes narrowed in a sneer, and Nina clears his throat, effectively ending anything that lingered, dissipating the electricity in the air between him and Monet.

He might be making it up (it’s getting hard to tell what’s real and what he wants to be real as far as Monet is concerned), but Nina would swear that Monet rolls his eyes as he removes his hands from Nina’s and smiles at him. Which… That smile is like Christmas and birthdays and the last day of school and ice cream on the hottest day of the summer all rolled into one. It’s everything.

“Keep working on it,” Monet says, tapping Nina’s script. “And listen, girl: you got this. Okay?”

Nina nods. When Monet says it, it’s almost enough to make him believe it himself.

*****

The mentors are there with Michelle when they get to the soundstage for filming. Nina knows he looks ridiculous in his over the top cheerleader costume, but it makes Monet laugh out loud when he sees him (Nina’s hoping it’s in a good way). The other mentors are sitting beside Michelle too - Trinity waves at Blair, and Trixie is looking down at her phone as usual. She slides it under her thigh as the enter, but the screen lights up almost immediately.

Cracker looks hilarious in her bad-girl outfit with a messy wig and layers of black eyeliner. The role switch is really working for her. Blair’s Born Again camp counselor look is a little understated, and it makes Nina worried – he encouraged her to make it more campy, but Blair was terrified of looking “ugly” and this was their compromise. Whatever, it’s done. Move forward.

“My comedy queens!” Michelle calls out when she sees them. “Look at you! I feel like all of you have that theatre background, right? Or have killed an acting challenge or two, so this should be easy for you all.  You feeling confident?”

The three of them share an awkward look. They’d run the lines a few times after the switch, but there hadn’t been a ton of time and, well… Blair had been concerned about memorizing everything after spending all morning focused on the other role. Nina’s fine, Cracker’s fine, but Blair…

“We’re going to do our best,” Nina says instead of answering the question, because – that answer could be played out on-screen so many ways (the cocky team before their downfall, etc.), and he doesn’t want to take the chance. He manages to catch Blair’s eye, though, and tries his best to give her a reassuring grin.

“Okay, well. This is high camp, right in your wheelhouse. And we know it has a special place in Ru’s heart, so make us laugh, okay? You all ready?”

Nina nods and they find their marks. Make ‘em laugh.  He can do that.

“Action!”

They start off a bit rocky - Blair nervously rushing through her lines, but at least she remembers them.  They have to take the scene from the top, but after that, Nina starts to feel like he’s getting into the groove of it. And then Cracker enters the scene.

“My name’s Graham, and I like girls.” Cracker’s tone is correct. She’s sarcastic and absolutely over it, but Nina gets flustered waiting to see how it will go and misses his cue entirely.

Cracker rolls her eyes and continues, but the rhythm of the scene is off and they never recover. Damn it. Damn it - okay, move on, move forward.

Eventually, they get enough that production will be able to piece together and they move on to the next scene. Wherein Cracker immediately flubs a line. Nina tries to keep his expression neutral, but he sighs before he can help it.

“Cut!” Michelle calls. “Sorry, Cracker, Nina – you two are supposed to have chemistry, right? I’m not feeling any of that.”

Cracker gives Nina a pointed look, and Nina smiles tightly at her.

“Let’s try it again,” Michelle says.

“I can’t be a lesbian, I’m a cheerleader!” Nina wails and Cracker strolls in, smoking her fake cigarette.

They only get a handful of lines in before Michelle is calling “Cut!” again.

“What’s going on here?” she asks, and the set goes completely silent. “Miz Cracker, you’re a funny queen, but you’re coming off flat.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me, I’m not the one who’ll be going home if you don’t get it together.  Mentors, anything to add?”

Trinity, Trixie, and Monet exchange uncomfortable glances with each other.

“Are you having fun?” Trixie asks after an awkward pause. “Because it doesn’t look like you are. And if you aren’t, no one watching this is.”

Michelle nods. “Right? Trixie, you and Katya always look like you’re having fun together on UNHhhh, and that’s why everyone loves it. Like, we get to watch two people who are just crazy about each other and having a great time. You can’t fake that.”

Nina might imagine it, but it looks like Trixie stiffens - sits straight up in her chair, thin legs crossed at the knee. The foot she was swinging out of habit stops and even as she smiles, tries to look casual, Nina can see that her fingers have curled into tight fists.

“Yeah,” Trixie says slowly. “I mean, we’re best friends so… It’s easy, right? This should be easy. It is easy.”

Monet squeezes Trixie’s knee and glances up at the stage. “Y’all know what you’re doing. All of y’all can act. Just - loosen up.”

“That’s right!” Trinity chimes in. “And Miss St. Clair, from one good Southern girl to another, don’t be afraid to get a little messy. You’re a funny queen, you got this.”

“Just have fun with it,” Michelle reiterates.

Nina nods, accepting the feedback.  He isn’t having fun right now, to be honest. Cracker’s looking at him like she might bite his head off, and Blair’s eyes are welling up with tears, and soon enough he’s going to embarrass himself in front of Michelle Visage and a bunch of drag legends - not to mention Monet who he’s totally crazy about -

Oh.

Shit.

That was not a thing he meant to - to think.  Or feel. Or - or -

He likes Monet.

Like likes him, like a stupid teenager with a crush.

Oh no.

For all his insistence that their hook-up meant nothing, that he was going to keep his head in the game, Nina is suddenly struck blind with the realization that he’s completed fucked.

And he has this realization on a soundstage as his team is falling apart around him.  

Perfect. Wonderful.

“We have enough time for one more take,” Michelle says softly. “Just one. So let’s make it count.”

Nina takes a deep breath and holds it. This cannot be happening right now. He tries to remember where his mark is.

“And action!”

They make it to the end of the scene, where the girl-on-girl kiss is interrupted by Blair only to dissolve into a frantic menage-a-trois. When Michelle finally calls cut, she isn’t smiling. Monet and Trinity look worried as well. Trixie is… Well, she’s gone back to tapping away at her phone, but she forces her lips into a tight smile (that looks more like a grimace) when she surveys them.

“All right, ladies.” Michelle sighs. Tense. Stressed. Like it’s her proverbial life on the line. “Thank you very much.  And I really hope you bring it on the runway tomorrow.”

They leave the soundstage feeling - heavy. Down. Unable to stand the air of defeat, Nina instantly goes into mama bear mode.

“It’s fine, Michelle’s hard on everybody. Blair, I think the last take was your best one, and Cracks –”

“Nope, no, do not call me that.” Cracker holds up a hand and shakes her head. “My friends call me that.”

Nina stares at her. This doesn’t feel like the time to squabble over nicknames. “Oh, sorry, I – just got used to hearing Monet say it. I know -”

“Because Monet is my friend,” Cracker says slowly. “So.”

“O-kay.” Nina can’t think of anything else to say right now.

Blair is looking between the two of them in sheer terror, eyes welling up with tears.

“Don’t cry, Blair,” Cracker says, and her tone is rather - pointed. “This whole thing isn’t your fault.”

Nina feels the sting of the comment, and wishes he didn’t.  

“Sorry,” he says, as politely as possible, because whatever is going on here, it seems to be ramping up. “Whose fault is it then?”

Cracker holds open her arms in a dramatic shrug.

“Well, you’re the team captain.”

Blair takes a step back. “You guys - let’s just - we’re all feeling stressed so maybe we should -”

Nina holds up a hand. “Actually, I think I’d really like to have this conversation.” He faces Cracker head on. “I’m sorry, and I don’t know why this would be the case, but it kind of feels like you’re angry at me? Like you’ve been angry with me since the first episode.”

“Angry at you?” Cracker rolls her eyes. “No, I don’t feel any way about you whatsoever. I’m just trying to put together the image you present with what I know about you as a person.”

“What do you know about me as a person?” He doesn’t know Cracker at all. How did she somehow get this terrible opinion of him?

“Clearly the Miss Congeniality thing is something you do for television, right? And then when the cameras are off you just walk all over people.”

“I’m -” Nina looks at Blair’s stunned face and then back to Cracker. “I’m sorry, what did I ever do to you?”

“To me? Nothing. But Monet…” Cracker shakes her head. “After everything he told you, it’s low. It’s fucking low.”

“Sorry,” Nina says for the second, third, fourth time, because he cannot believe what he is hearing right now (and Brooke always said he was practically Canadian). “After Monet told me what?”

Cracker’s got to be referring to Nina’s (okay, fine) ghosting of Monet following the finale taping.  Monet must have told her about it, and admittedly, it was not Nina’s best moment. But it wasn’t like there had been - feelings or anything involved. At least, not on Monet’s part. It was just a hook-up, right? And any chance for anything else to come of it - well, that’s done.  That ship has sailed. And - it’s for the best. Nina’s been telling himself that for weeks, months even. And he really doesn’t want to talk about this right now, not with the newfound understanding of his feelings still ringing in his ears like a gunshot.

“Whatever. This is such bullshit.” Cracker rolls her eyes. “Everyone thinks you’re so great, like ‘Go Big, Be Kind,’ whatever.  But you are not. And I didn’t want to get into this, but - Monet deserved better. And after what he said -”

“Look, Cracker.” Whatever happened between him and Monet, whatever Nina feels, there certainly hadn’t been much conversation. They’d both been far too gone on tequila, and their mouths had mostly been… otherwise engaged (don’t think about that, not now). “I honestly have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. Monet didn’t tell me anything, so… I’m sorry, I guess, that I’m confused, but I don’t want to argue with you anymore. Do you want to tell me what I’m supposed to know? What you’re so angry about? That would be swell. But if not - I don’t know what to say.”  He’s tired of fighting, tired of Cracker’s vitriol. If this is how she’s going to be all season, he isn’t sure a crown and a title and $100,000 is worth it.

Cracker looks up at him, eyes narrowed in distrust and defensiveness.

And then - something changes.  Her expression twitches and then - softens at whatever she sees in his face. She looks down briefly, then looks back up.

“He…” She uncrosses her arms, shakes her head. Her entire demeanor changes, eyes going wide like she’s seeing Nina in person for the first time. “Oh my God. Monet didn’t tell you.  He didn’t, did he.” It’s not a question; there’s no lilt in her voice, just a sad note of realization.

Nina shakes his head, a bit thunderstruck by what’s going on in front of him.

“He didn’t tell you,” Cracker says again. “That fucking idiot. Oh my God.”

“Well.”

“I’m going to fucking kill him.”

Nina takes a chance, reaches across the distance between them, and takes her hand. “Don’t - do that. Don’t kill anyone.”

Cracker nods, gripping his hand tightly. “This… explains so much actually. Oh my God. Nina.”

“Listen, Cracker, I honestly don’t know what this is about. I don’t -”

“I’m so sorry,” Cracker interrupts him, and all of a sudden she is the charmingly neurotic queen he remembers from Season 10. “For how I’ve acted towards you. It’s… not okay. I can’t believe - I’m just sorry.”

“Thank you,” Nina says sincerely. “That means a lot.”

“And I didn’t mean what I said… About you being not great. I just thought - oh my God, I’m so stupid.”

“Listen.” Nina stops her. “I’m good. We’re good. Let’s - can we start over?” He cranks up the Nina West charm. “‘Cause I’m like such a huge fan.”

Cracker smiles, a bit embarrassed.

“Or at least I was. Before you came for my life.”

This makes Cracker laugh, and she nods. “Starting over sounds good.”

They bring it in for a group hug, mostly because Blair looks like she needs it.  Nina takes a moment to fully have an out-of-body experience, because this has been the strangest day he’s had in recent memory. He kind of wants to keep asking Cracker about the whole Monet thing, wants to figure out what he’s meant to know, but - baby steps.  He doesn’t want to ruin whatever fragile peace they’ve found for now.

“Does this mean I can call you Cracks?” he asks.

“Fuck off,” Cracker laughs. “But Blair, you’re allowed.”

All the queens grab dinner together that night; craft services sets up something in the conference room, and Nina sits off in the corner with Brooke again - mostly for Brooke’s sake than his own (mostly, mostly he swears). Things with Cracker are better (she gave him a small smile across the table as they filled their plates), but still not entirely comfortable, and Nina thinks it may be best to let the dust settle before he tries to spark a true friendship.

The mentors aren’t there - they went out for dinner together, because they are All Stars and deserve it. Or something (no, but really, they do. They already lived through two seasons, and came out the other side. It’s only episode two and Nina thinks they all should have statues).

Brooke doesn’t seem - great. He’s clearly worried about his team’s performance, fidgeting more than normal, barely eating anything. His eyes are always glancing over Nina’s shoulder at the table where Vanjie’s sitting, and Nina feels a bit like he’s in high school again, hanging out with the cool kid who’d rather be somewhere else.

“And how’d she do?” Nina asks, leaving no doubt as to who he’s talking about.

“Oh, Vanessa? Well, you know. I mean, neither of us are Meryl Streep.” For the first time all evening, Brooke’s mouth curves into a shadow of a smile.  And Nina’s heart breaks, just a bit.

It brings him back to his stupid Monet feelings from this afternoon, something he’s been trying to avoid thinking about like it might cause brain cancer. Whatever, it’s fine, it’s fine.  Nina has - experience putting these sorts of feelings to the side. He feels a lot, and he’s a crier, all that fun stuff, but - the romantic bits, those are things that can be compartmentalized. He’s had enough hopeless crushes in his life as an ex-Conservative, broad-shouldered, Disney-loving drag queen from Ohio (no shade on Ohio, go Buckeyes) that he’s an expert in unrealized longing.

Grit your teeth and clench your fists until the feeling ebbs.

Sleep doesn’t come easy that night. Nina doesn’t know what the next day will bring, and he’s pretty sure he wasn’t the weakest member of their team, but the final decision isn’t going to be up to the judges.  It will be up to his sisters. And hopefully hopefully hopefully he’s endeared himself to at least a few of them, enough to keep him around for another few episodes.

Maybe he’s worrying for nothing, maybe it’ll all be fine. Nina wouldn’t want to see Brooke or Vanjie go home, of course - but at this point being declared ‘safe’ would feel like a goddamn gift.  More than he deserves.

When he finally falls asleep, it’s restless, and full of odd dreams. He’s on stage back in Columbus, and Monet is there in the audience, wearing that honey-gold dress from the night of the finale.  He’s trying to tell Nina something, Nina can see his lips moving, hands cupped around his mouth, but his voice keeps getting drowned out by the noise of the crowd (when Nina finally wakes with a gasp, Monet’s voice is running through his head like fog, but the words are already lost).

[sadpottedplant]

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more milk

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? no

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? whatever paper is lying around

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? i take tea w honey

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? actually no

6: do you keep plants? i try

7: do you name your plants? no

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? pen and pencil

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? sometimes

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? side

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? NANA?

12: what’s your favorite planet? saturn or neptune

13: what’s something that made you smile today? being able to talk with nina on the way home from school

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? lots of windows and plants and books and bedding! also rlly high up!

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! there are more suns in our galaxy than there are grains of sand on earth

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? whole wheat angel hair with butter and parmesan

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? blue

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. one time ioffered to sub for this guy i didnt relly know and i said “hashtag helpful” out loud and he as so disgusted ug

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I want to ! And I want to write about thhings i like and draw lil doodles and paint in it!

20: what’s your favorite eye color? BROWN

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. well i dont really love my bag but i had this purple backback all throughout elementary and middle school

22: are you a morning person? no

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? look up things to draw and play mindless games

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? i dont think so. i wish though

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? in 8th grade i had to break into my own house

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? maybe my old converse

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? watermelon

28: sunrise or sunset? i wish sunrise but reaistically sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? one of my friends always leans forward whenever I break when I drive my car. And another one gets really excited bout numbers and its adorable

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yes one time i thought my house was getting broken into and another  time i thought i was lost int he woods

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I like socks that have cute patterns and are warm

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

33: what’s your fave pastry? brownies

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? i wish i did but that shit expensive

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? clean bu its always mesy

38: tell us about your pet peeves! broken nails anpying and people wo are ompetetive about everything and make you feel bad about yourself

39: what color do you wear the most? blue

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? i have a sun necklacce that my sister gave my mom from mexico that i “borrow”

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? i used to collect beads

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? the transcending brain meme

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? no but i want to

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? slept in the attic to rove i should have a bedroom there

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? being funny and optimistic and talkative

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? excited and yes

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? rache is the wine mom and ella is the vodka aunt

59: what’s your favorite myth?

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? yes

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? i gave a set of lobster claw gloves. I received an eraser. 

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? i leav them be

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? ella, or shana

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? 

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

68: what’s winter like where you live? pretty at first but cold and oo slushy and gross at the end

69: what are your favorite board games?clue and rack-o

70: have you ever used a ouija board?no

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? lemon

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? kin of

73: what are some of your worst habits? procrastination

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. they always strive to be the best and they are quiet when you first meet them but loud and funny and competetive once they are comfortable with you

75: tell us about your pets! i have a guinea pig who is paralyzed

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? my pyschology paper

77: pink or yellow lemonade? yellow

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? taken me out to cheesecake factory for my birthday

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? cream color but i hate the color and i wish i had chose blue i am really indecisive

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

82: are/were you good in school? i am pretty good in school

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? calvin and hobbes!

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? 

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

89: are you close to your parents? yes

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. i love the vibe o san fransisco, everything is so pretty. i also love new ork city because there is so much going on

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? im goign to the galapagos islands in 10 days (im nervouse)

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? drowns

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? ponytail

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

95: what are your plans for this weekend? draw and pack for an upcoming trip and do homework

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? it depends

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? idk, cancer, hufflepuff

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? 

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? past, because i have a lot of regrets and i reallly would like to fix them

[purplesurveys]

1115

survey by vintagekid

Name:  Robyn.

Happy with it? I am now, but I certainly wasn’t as a kid. Other kids were cruel and would tease me solely for my name, which made it hard for me to socialize. I got the same bad Batman jokes too many times and I also got called a boy. These seem petty now, but as a kindergartener adjusting to life in school, it had been traumatizing and made me wonder if my classmates were going to remain the way they were for the long run which no 4-year-old should be mulling about, really.

Do you wear stilettos? When I get the chance, which isn’t very often at all. But I do love stilettos.

How important are looks to you? I find this question very vague, but generally looks matter to me to a certain extent, like how I’d want to look nice and proper for a job interview or for formal occasions such as weddings. Relationship-wise, I also think I have to feel a level of physical attraction towards someone for me to consider seeing them.

How often do you download music? I don’t anymore. I stream all my music.

Can you name a philosopher? Socrates.

What would you do if two unicorns tried to whisk you off to candy mountain? I just looked this up and this is apparently in reference to an ancient viral video, like it was around before viral videos were even a universally-acknowledged concept. That said, I don’t have a clue how to respond to this lmao.

You became the deciding vote in an election, which party would you go for? I don’t base my voting decisions on parties because the party system in my country is a tragically broken shitstorm in which every single party rallies the same values and principles, just executed in their own – and usually poor and unsustainable – ways. I do my research on each candidate, see how they answer in debates, look at laws they’ve authored, see which marginalized groups they proactively support (if they do), and decide from there.

Do you have a bzoink account? I don’t but I’ve been a semi-regular visitor since like 2009.

How many phone calls do you typically make in a day? Zero. People usually call me.

What song are you listening to? Tell Me It’s Okay by, surprise surprise, Paramore.

Do you understand things others your age do not? I don’t know. Maybe. Everyone’s bound to understand some things better than others.

Do you hate people that label themselves? Why would I hate that? And why would their chosen label be my business?

How many windows do you have open? None. There’s plenty of mosquitoes at night, so even though the cold evening air would been pleasant to have we have to keep the windows closed by nighttime.

How superstitious are you? Not at all.

If you were in Harry Potter, which house would you be in? I’ve been told either Gryffindor or Ravenclaw.

Which comedian can always crack you up? It’s not a habit of mine to watch comedians.

Are you nagged about being on the computer too much? Not since I was a teenager. Since college I’ve been doing most of my work, if not all of it, through my laptop, and I think my parents understand that I have to use it all the time.

Do you feel bad about anything you've done lately? Nothing comes to mind, no.

What's your texting bill typically like? My SIM is prepaid, so it works the other way around. I put load credits in it only if I know I’ll have to call/text/surf regularly.

What song did you/do you want played at your wedding? Turning Page by Sleeping At Last.

Do you have a lot or hardly any lines on your palms? Idk, a decent amount I guess? I don’t think it hits either extreme.

What's your favourite word? Poignant.

Are you allowed to swear in front of your parents? Yeah. They’ll shoot me a glare sometimes, but I’m in my 20s and...they know they can’t really do anything about it anymore lol.

Do you eat apples? No.

What are your addictions? Coffee, I suppose.

What are some words you use in daily life? I use intensifiers often, like very, really, super, absolutely, etc. I’m also big on expressions hahaha like oh my god, seriously, for real, and ugh.

Do you look things up on Google constantly? Yes.

Where do you get your music from? Spotify. Sometimes YouTube if I wanna look for a leak.

What do you think of people with afros? That they are people with afros...? I don’t really know what you’re looking for me to say, lmfao.

--

survey by charey-chas

Do you like getting your picture taken? Not for the most part. My body instantly gets all frozen and awkward when a camera’s placed in front of me, which I hate because I do wish I could have more photos of myself around. Is your phone anywhere near you? It is not, actually. It feels great and I really should start making it a habit to keep it away from me entirely on weekends. Do you ever enjoy going to school? In my first school, I enjoyed going mainly (and probably only) for my friends; but Catholic school was predominantly a torturous experience. The rigidity isn’t something I look back fondly on, and it felt like being kept on a tight leash for 14 years. College was a lot more enjoyable in every way possible. I liked going to (most of) my classes and learning as much as I loved the vibrant org culture and the general freedom that comes with university life. Have you ever gone on a road trip? Lots. The Philippines is a relatively small country and unless you want to jump to a different island altogether, there are many provinces you can readily travel to by car.  Who do you get along with best in your family?  Nina, my sister. Then my dad. I clash a lot with my mom and I don’t talk to my brother. Based on your personality, what animal do you think you'd be? Cats and I don’t get along very well hahaha but I think I’m similar to them. Would you ever buy anything from an infomercial? Maybe once, just to be able to say that I have. Have you ever made a snow angel? No, because I’ve never seen snow before. Have you stayed in a hotel in the last month? No. We had a brief getaway in Tagaytay but we switched things up and went to rent a condo, instead of book a hotel room, for a weekend. What's your most comfortable outfit? If I want to go for comfortable, I usually go for my rompers or jumpsuits. Do you text or IM more? IM these days. Would you rather listen to music or play it? Listen. I have no music-playing skills whatsoever. Have you ever been in a hot tub? Sure. Do you like pizza? LOVE IT Are you sleeping in your own bed tonight? Yes. If not here, the couch. But most likely it will my bed tonight. Are any of your friends having a sleepover right now? I doubt it. Angela and Hans had an overnight stay in Batangas a few days ago for their Valentine’s shenanigans though, which I guess kinda counts as a sleepover. Have you ever been to a house party? I don’t think so. That’s something I missed out on in my college days, but I don’t mind. Do you listen to your iPod or the radio when you're in the car? I think I keep a good balance. If my phone’s battery is not very high I’ll rely on the radio; and sometimes I’ll sync my phone’s Spotify to the car as well.

--

survey by charey-chas

What song is stuck in your head at the moment? RAVI’s BUM. What's your fathers' middle name? He doesn’t have a second name, but I’m not sharing his legal middle name on here either. How many hours a day do you spend on the computer? On work days, I’d say 8-10 hours. On weekends, maybe a little slightly less than that since I do like getting off the laptop sometimes to rest my eyes. Could you live without the internet? People from the past managed to live without it, so I know I can. It would just be extremely inconvenient; and having been dependent on it for such a long time now, I would likely be clueless on how to navigate most activities. What's something you're really into? Learning about cultural differences!! That’s why reading survey answers has always been fascinating to me. I would love a website that dives into the various everyday behavior people observe in other countries, but the ones that do exist use like 20- or 30-year-old sources, so they aren’t even relevant at all anymore. What's the last movie you saw in theaters? Knives Out. Have you ever seen a movie in 3D or in an IMAX theater? Just once. It was Denise and Leigh’s 18th birthday treat and they brought us to watch Doctor Strange in 3D. Do you prefer skirts, shorts, or skorts? Shorts. Have you ever vandalized? Just a few school chairs in grade school, but otherwise I’m too paranoid for vandalism lol. What's the longest you've stayed up? Maybe a little longer than 24 hours. Who'd you have a sleepover with last? Gabie. When's the last time you baked something? Nearly a decade ago. Our oven was new at the time and I wanted to try baking cookies. Do you like to dance? When I’m alone. Do you scratch mosquito bites, even though you're not supposed to? Yup. Are you afaid of spiders or do you like them? I mean I’m not fond of them, but I also don’t scream and run away when I see them. I just don’t care for them for the most part. What's a pet you've always wanted? I’ve only ever wanted dogs, and now I’ve got two of them. Do you like mice? Not really. Would you ever get a tattoo? Sure. I’ve been considering it for a while now; it’s just a matter of being able to save up for one. Do you prefer to walk in the street or on the sidewalk? Street, if it’s bare and safe enough. Otherwise if I’m in a busy city with regulations and all I’d obviously rather be on the sidewalk. What's your favorite t-shirt? My CM Punk Best in the World merch. Who did you last think about? I remembered Deina when I was thinking about the tattoo question. She got a pawprint tattoo on her wrist shortly before her senior dog passed away and ever since learning about it I’ve also been thinking about getting the same tattoo. Do you like giving hugs? I love giving hugs and it’s an automatic response for me whenever I see someone I love, which is why Covid is such a torture for me. Do you prefer hardwood flooring or carpeting? Hardwood. Did you/will you get a car for your 16th birthday? No. I got a car when I was 17, around six months before I started college. Have you ever eaten a worm? No but I’d be willing to try.

[purplesurveys]

740

‘Does your best friend bother you more than anyone else? This is so weird. Someone wouldn’t be my best friend if all they did was annoy me. If one of my best friends did start to bother me with anything they’re doing, we’re close enough for me to comfortably call them out on it. Who is your best friend? Angela and Gab. Do you like someone right now? A lot more than that at this point. Do you even think you stand a chance with this person? I’ve been with them a handful of years now, so yes. Do you consider yourself truly happy? Not truly. I can generally keep myself happy but I’ll sometimes have days where I’m anxious, angry, hurt, confused, lost, or all of the above. It’s a work in progress.

How often do you cry? I want to say at least once a week; that's pretty accurate. Are you emotional? Yes. What is the worst thing you would do for 10 million dollars? I find these questions so stressful to think about lol. Just give me scenarios to do for $10 million and I’ll tell you if I’m willing to do it. Have you ever had/do you have an eating disorder? [trigger warning] No. But when my depression was at its roughest a part of me wanted to try adding self-starvation to the other methods I was already using to harm myself at the time. Didn’t really work out. Have you ever cut/burned yourself intentionally? Cut, yes. Burned, technically yes, but I didn’t know it would hurt me. When I was 7 I thought I had some sort of invincibility so I placed a finger on a clothes iron that was plugged in at the time. So I kinda did it on purpose, but not because I wanted to burn myself lol? If that makes sense? What do you think of people that do? Hope that they have people around them who care for them and can help them pull themselves out of that hole. What's your opinion on drugs? Have you ever done any? Scary, especially the hard drugs. I’ve seen Breaking Bad, Trainspotting, and Requiem for a Dream to know not to try them lol. I’ve only had milder ones like caffeine, nicotine, and painkillers. Have you ever noticed the hidden adut jokes inside of kid shows/movies? When I encounter the episodes these days, yeah I would notice them. When I was a kid they used to be just sentences that didn’t make sense to me. Do you want to be famous? Why? I’m not opposed to it. I wanna be able to travel places, get freebies, and afford a lot of nice clothes, but I’m also not willing to do absolutely anything or lose who I am just to get famous.

Do you sin often? I don’t really think of that anymore. What are your views on God? Nope. What do you think happens after you die? I go to sleep permanently, which for me is the most peaceful way to think of death. Sometimes if I’m feeling a little alone or helpless, it’s just as comforting to also think of the possibility of reuniting with my lost loved ones when I die, like my lolo or the great-grandparents I never met. Are you afraid to die? I’m afraid of dying painfully, if anything. Like I don’t want to be stuck in a burning room or have a ceiling collapse on me, you know? If you had the chance, would you want to know the date of your death? Yes. Have you ever felt that you weren't good enough? Of course. Do you have any siblings? If so, are you jealous of them? Yes. I’m not jealous/envious of Nina, but I do sometimes wish I had a talent that was as tangible and recognizable as hers – she’s an artist and an editor, and very good ones. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Why or why not? I mean we don’t hate each other, but I wouldn’t go running to their arms if I had a problem. We have a more buddy-type relationship.

Are you always wanting more? Yep, I’m quite materialistic. Do you make good first impressions? You’d have to ask the people I’ve ever met. I hope I do, though. Do you feel bad for obese people, or do you just laugh? I am so unimpressed with this question.  What would you do if you were obese? Idk, it would depend on the mindset I have once I’m at that point. Are you ashamed of your past? Not ashamed. I just wish it had a lot more happier days. Do you miss your past? No. Do you have a song lyric that describes where you are in life right now? Ain’t it fuuuuun living in the real wooooorld ain’t it goooood being all alooooone Who are you closest to in your family? In my immediate family, it’s probably my sister. But generally speaking, it’s my eldest first cousin on my mom’s side. Do you ever open up to people? Yes, but I’m also private. Like I wouldn’t just share my life story with anyone - you have to ask about it and know which questions to ask. Do you consider yourself guarded? Why or why not? Sure. I’ve had shitty people come in and go out of my life throughout the years. Are you an honest person? I guess. Do you like animals? Love them, except cockroaches and flying cockroaches.

Do you think doctors prescribe medicine too often? I...don’t really have an opinion lol and I don’t know if I should. I don’t know the first thing about medical ethics. Are you a control freak? In a group setting, mostly yep. Do you enjoy getting drunk, or do you feel like you're losing all control? I like getting drunk but only until a certain point, i.e. when I feel giddy enough to socialize with strangers or start dancing. I’ve had a couple of bad experiences from drinking too much and it’s always so embarrassing the day after. What do you think happens when you go into a coma? I’ve read accounts on Reddit from people who used to be in one and the stories vary. Some stayed passed out through the whole thing, others dreamt in a lot of vibrant colors, others had dreams that they considered metaphors for dying, others were a little aware of what was happening or being said around them. Do you think the internet is dangerous? I know it is, lmao.

Name all the social networking sites you use: Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, YouTube, Linkedin. I re-installed Snapchat recently but I don’t use it for social media. Do you think anyone truly knows who you really are? My best friends do, in different ways. Have you ever given anyone the chance to really get to know you? Yes. Do you block people out of your life when they start to get too close? No. It’s very rare that that gets to happen so when it does, I keep them around. Who do you think has the most pressure to be good-looking; guys or girls? I think both experience a lot of pressure in very different ways. It’s not a contest. Do you care what impression you make on people? Kinda, especially if they make the wrong one lmao. Do you think TV is too much of an influence on today’s youth? If anything today’s TV has a lot of responsible representation from sexual consent and coming out and mental health to POCs, which gives off a suuuuper positive influence to kids and young teens these days who now feel like they can see themselves in the characters they meet and scenarios they see. Racism, sexism, homophobia, and all the other -isms and -phobias never get to fly by in this age anymore and that’s a great thing too. Just look at Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Sex Education, Itaewon Class, and I wanna say The Good Place? but I’ve never seen it. What do you think people would do if all the computers crashed? I honestly think that would be the last straw that would break the camel’s back for people to start chaotically freaking out lol. There’s too much happening as it is. Honestly, do you say racist things? Filipinos in general are resentful towards mainland Chinese but that’s because they have bullied us for so long, they’ve literally shit on our historical parks, they keep buying our lands, they claim our seas, and they belittle and mistreat Filipinos, especially the ones who work as OFWs in China. We wouldn’t be as racist if most of them didn’t act like such assholes to begin with. Personally, I don’t verbally say racist stuff but I will judge mainland Chinese in my head if I come across them or hear another incident of them misbehaving. Do your parents put way too much pressure on you? No, which I’m quite grateful for. They just let me do my thing, they ask me what jobs I want without hinting what they want for me, they let me fantasize about my dream purchases once I have a salary without guilt-tripping me over letting them have a share of my money, that kind of stuff. Has anyone you loved ever died? Two big people in my life. Do you think people overreact when their pets die? Not at all. Pets are family, and everyone’s reactions are valid. I remember when Lorde’s dog died and people were either 1) making fun of her and called her overreacting when she said she was gonna be unable to release new music for the meantime, or 2) stoked that her new music is probably gonna be sad and emotional because of her dog’s death, and I thought both were terrible. Do you know who you are, or what you want to become? I’m getting there, don’t pressure me lmfao. Do you have your future mapped out? Or are you just taking it day by day? Day by day. I have a good big picture planned out, but I also like living in the now. What are you going to do now? I dunno if I want to take another survey or watch YouTube videos now. But directly after hitting post on this I’ll definitely take another sip of my coffee and give my dog cuddles for a few minutes since he just woke up from his nap.