#the likelihood of me finding anyone irl who would listen to me say such things without looking at me like I’ve grown a second head

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

Road to Recovery 👣

Well, this is gonna be a long ass one. Also, this has been kinda drafted over the past... week? So it’s gonna be a real rollercoaster of a ride. 

Had just binged Lucifer’s new season and was on reddit, looking at comments of redditors yelling at Luci to enjoy whilst he was finding stuff to freak out about. 

Like him, I should have just been in the moment. Appreciated it. Instead of worrying about the next. 

The past week has been.. emotional. Have been getting used to the fact that I might never speak or hear or see him again. Been also trying to focus on the bad to kinda ease the pain. At least it hurts a little less, less crying too. But it’s also like one day you do great, no crying, not much of missing and pain, but then the next, everything creeps in altogether and you fall apart. 

The thing is... why does it hurt so bad? Things had been weird for months. I mean, I was the one who was always preparing myself for him to leave, I was the one who told myself I’d be okay even if we never went on the date. And I guess it just boils back to... expectations. 

I expected him to care more, I didn’t expect that he’d be able to leave just like this. From regular convos to nothing in a week, now almost 2 weeks. I mean, we’ve had breaks. 1 day, 5 days, 10 days... It’s kinda strange if we were actually interested in the other. Maybe he wasn’t much of a texter and wanted to talk when we met. But did we really share much when we met? It’s odd... He doesn’t reply properly to texts, he disappears, he doesn’t really care much at times, but for some reason, I seem to remember the good more. It seemed like he does listen (at times), there were moments when I felt like he cared. A part of me still trusts him or sees the best in him. 

Initially, I was trying to avoid talking about him so I would also stop thinking about him and I could move on. But I think talking about it also helps. Did also google about moving on from crushes, and that is a major point. Maybe I’ll never figure out what really went wrong, but maybe I could still give myself some sorta closure.  Though reminiscing does hurt too. Going back to the place where we met, which is basically my workplace which I’ve to be at almost every day... The memories flooding in about the conversations we had. But it also helps me to acknowledge my feelings and fears, stuff that I suppose I didn’t acknowledge then. Maybe if I had been less afraid and tried harder, especially during the times we were both around considering how hard it was to get our schedules together. He probably thought I wasn’t that interested and moved on. Guys fall fast, but they seem to move on pretty quick too.

Ended up dreaming about him last night... It was really nice. There was a shipment, I didn’t let myself have hope that it would have been him. And he turned around, and it was him. I said hey and touched his arm. I headed off downstairs talking to the other guys, one of them was teasing me for giving him my number. He came down too. We sat there for a bit, and I asked if I could lean on his shoulder, and we ended up hugging too. That was just wonderful, but it’s sad to know it’d never be reality. 

And I guess all those breaks we had throughout the months still gives me the slightest bit of hope that he might return... But now, 2 whole weeks of not speaking. The glimmer of hope fades as each day passes. Maybe, distance is just what we need, I tell myself. 

But now, there’s also a new guy. So I’m guessing the likelihood of seeing him ever again is almost impossible. But is it really so bad if we never spoke or see each other again? Did he even really care? What were we? 

Feels like history is repeating itself, and honestly, after re-reading old posts, maybe it is. Okay, but this time was slightly different. I fought harder. I should be proud that I got his number, or well, convinced him to get mine. I should be proud for initiating those texts, for finally picking up that video call, for asking him out. 

I do wonder at times if it would have been better if I was just honest from the start, that I was interested and I felt there’s something special, different, but not entirely sure what it was. I had friends tell me that I shouldn’t be too emotional about too much, especially at the start. I mean, I did do this the last time, granted they were all online friends, and now we’re still friends. Maybe it’s different being online vs irl. 

Should I continue fighting for him or just let this be another regret/what if? I guess I chose the latter. I was still too afraid to make a move, I was still too afraid to admit my feelings. I wanted to tell him, I wanted to give him the choice. But I was afraid, what if he only says he feels the same because knowing what I felt? I couldn’t take the leap. 

And the more I thought, the less I knew. What did I ever really know about you? What did I like about you? I guess I didn’t listen to myself enough, or to the rational part at least. The closer you look, the less you see. By the time I remember this, it was a little too late... 

I guess I need to stop trying to define everything. Some questions don’t have answers. Some stories won’t get closures. Not all friendships require daily talking. Why aren’t I okay with this? Am I just too attached to everyone? Does my life just basically revolve around people? Who the fuck am I?

I had been looking back at my old posts, all the way back to 2015, the darkest period of my life. I wanted to see what I did then, how did I handle it and pushed myself through. How the heck did I move on? Sure, it took me like... at least 2 years of moping around, then finally actually properly reaching out to get the help I needed. A couple months of counselling, pushing the focus back on myself, on self love and self care.

And all this unravelled within a couple months.

Granted, I think it was already starting to unravel early this year. All these work and personnel changes really fucked things up, with Covid just adding to it. And then comes those unexpected feelings, not knowing how to deal with it, worrying about how I’m gonna fuck it up, and in turn, fucking it up. Also, not giving myself a break when I truly needed it. I was afraid that if I took a break from texting him (okay I wasn’t really obsessively staring at my phone and replying immediately either, but I could have taken a proper break), I might have ended up losing him, and now, I’ve lost myself, I’ve lost him. 

So yep, losing myself... this time, I don’t think I was able to keep it as contained as I did previously. Loss of appetite, exhaustion... I guess at least I don’t exactly sigh as much as I did during the start of the year? But I guess now with Covid and mom at home, she’s noticed the symptoms too. And I guess how I tend to stay cooped in my room, retreat back after meals etc, not really making as much convos with my parents too... Maybe even agitation or irritation as my mom noticed too... 

She thinks it’s more physical, with my abnormal periods and stuff, like maybe I’m anaemic. Oof, and that one day she asked if I was alright because I didn’t seem happy. I literally broke down when I went back to my room. I try so hard to mask it all because I don’t want people to worry, and I want people to still be able to count on me when they need to. Though I’m pretty sure my colleagues noticed too. So I push myself. Sometimes I guess I pretend to be alright, cope with humour as my defence mechanism (self preservation through dissociation, amirite?), but then it comes crashing down the next day or next minute. 

I’m just human. I need to allow myself to feel. I need to embrace that I feel a lot, sometimes a little too much. I shouldn’t hate myself for caring too much, for feeling too much. I need to remember to allow myself to rest, or else this burnt out and exhaustion won’t do me or anyone any good. Yes, I want to be there for others, but sometimes you need to save yourself first. 

I’ve got one life to live, so I gotta live it. Right now it feels like I’m just surviving, otherwise basically floating through time and space. But it’s time to really live. it’s time to stop trying to keep everything under control. Sometimes a mistake is a destiny and sometimes we mess things up for the better. Stop comparing your progress and path to others. 

Recovery isn’t a straight line. You’re gonna feel good and then bad. You’re gonna feel like a bad-ass bitch who needs no one, but then the next you might be crying from the pain of missing him. Sometimes it will just get worse before it gets better. Real growth isn’t linear, it’s a step forward and 20 steps back. You’re gonna be tempted to text him, to hear his voice, to try one more time, but then you also gotta remember all the progress you’ve made. People are hard to forget and change takes time. 

Like Chandler and Joey were nudging Ross to move on from Rachel back in Season 1, maybe your friends had nudged you to move on too. My friends have been. Maybe our happiness just aren’t meant to be with each other. But I would love for you to be happy, even if it’s without me. 

So, I guess imma do a separate post about all the lessons I’ve re-learnt. It was a real headache trying to write this piece already. Thanks to anyone who’s actually taken the time to read this. Take care everyone! 

X

[millennial-review]

Do we have any hope to survive next 12 years?

The next 12 years? I think so. It’s the 88 after that I’m really concerned about. And this is like a very pessimistic case I’m about to make, I don’t think it’s the most likely outcome, but I think either path I lay out below are far more possible than people appreciate. The last 65 years are a historic anomaly and while I like to think humanity as a whole is beyond global conflict or decades long widespread unrest of the sort that’s plagued people for centuries, I think that’s probably not reality. If you listen to basically any talk Noam Chomsky has given in the last 3 years or so, he pretty constantly highlights the fact humanity has only had nuclear weapons in a capacity that can destroy the planet for 65 years or so. Less than a lifetime. And we’re slowly careening towards catastrophic climate outcomes that will fundamentally endanger and reshape human life across the globe. Add to that the increasingly reactionary politics all around the globe (represented by the Tea Party/Trump in the Republicans, Brexit, figures like Marie Le Penn, Bolsonaro in Brazil, parties like the National Front in Germany) makes fighting either trend far less likely and actually exacerbates them and makes bad outcomes even more likely. The next 12 years are obviously hugely important for staving off either of those trends and creating the structures and institutions required to combat them. Global Conflict (AKA Please God No World War III)

I think people living in the Post World War II world order really under value how peaceful historically speaking the last 70 years or so have been and how artificial and human constructed that peace really is.  After World War II there was a VERY deliberate effort to create political/economic structures that prevented World War I and World War II level conflicts. And if you look at the major wars 1950 onward, those structures have done a pretty good job. Just looking at the conflicts the United States has participated in since then and their relative casualties, I think you can make the case those structures have prevented a World War III level conflict for decades. Largely by preventing various other countries from getting involved when conflicts do arise. Because the economic and political ties that connect even potential adversaries (think China/United States) make it really difficult to justify armed conflict. Even when a country might be justified or otherwise want to interfere (think the United States in the Ukraine when Putin invaded, or Russia in Syria when the United States upped their presence). A lot of those reactionary parties I listed above want to actively deconstruct many of the institutions which have integrated the world in a way that makes dragging bigger more powerful friends into any given conflict a lot less likely and prevents the larger more powerful countries from engaging directly. Somewhere in the ball park of 50 to 80 MILLION people died in World War II. Somewhere in the ball park of 15 to 20 MILLION people died in World War I.Those numbers include civilians. Around 2.5 million people died in Korea.Around 1.3 million people died in Vietnam. Around 6,000 people died in the first Gulf War.Around 100,000 people died in Afghanistan/Iraq since 2001. If you graphed out the relative number of casualties basically every country on the planet has experienced since World War II, you see a similar decline. With exceptions for really bad domestic conflicts, like the Chinese revolution (which is obviously global on some level). Also, obviously 2.5 million people in Korea is still an atrocity and armed conflict should always be avoided at all costs in my opinion, but if it goes there 2.5 million people is a lot better than 15 million, or 50 million. I just point this out to say, these structures have prevented MASSIVE conflicts from occurring by connecting the world in a way that tips the balance of pros/cons of armed conflict in such a way it makes it not worth it. That’s not a given. And for the first time popular political movements across the globe want to deconstruct these structures. The parties above are very skeptical of the EU. They’re very skeptical of trade agreements (the modern way to integrate the economic interests of various countries). China is increasingly threatening America/Western Europe economic hegemony which will create it’s own problems outside just a general unwillingness to come to the table in the same way other allies do. And we’ve never experienced a world where these structures don’t exist and nuclear powers start rubbing each other the wrong way. There is a case to be made that nuclear weapons are the cause of the phenomena I’ve described above and not these post World War II institutions. I think that’s plausible, but I also think those institutions create a much needed cushion that prevents conflicts from escalating and if conflicts escalate to a point that nuclear war becomes a valid option, it’s not going to be two bombs on two cities in one country, it’s going to be Fallout IRL sorts of bombs. That’s Noam Chomsky’s case roughly paraphrased here. But I find it fairly compelling. Again, it doesn’t seem like a happen in the next 12 years sort of thing, but it is the sort of thing that what happens in the next 12 years plays a huge role in determining how likely some of these things are to occur. 

Climate Change (AKA We’re Doomed) Climate Change is one of those things that I genuinely think we might reach a point 50 years or so from now when our grandkids are going to ask us why we weren’t out blowing up pipelines and shit. If you could talk to your great great great grandparents and ask them why they weren’t ardent abolitionists, organizing on the underground railroad, you probably would. I really think Climate Change is a human extinction (or RADICAL change in quality of life) sort of thing and we hardly even treat it as a pressing issue. Let alone treat it as the clearest source of future global unrest for the next hundred years or so.Genuinely, the science is pretty settled, it’s a thing, it’s catastrophic, we’re on the path to some of the worse outcomes, and there’s really no reason to think our political institutions (especially globally) are prepared to fight this sort of trend. And I say globally because this is a global issue and even the most developed economies can barely get their shit together enough to make meaningful steps toward renewables. How are people in the United States going to tell half a billion people in India that coal powered energy is wrong? And where are we going to find the political will to change the United States energy infrastructure fundamentally? Let alone find the political will to do it in India, or any number of other places. Modern economies developed on fossil fuels and changing to renewables is going to be a heavy lift. It’s outrageous to expect developing economies all around the world to just skip fossil fuels, the infrastructure is there, it’s cheaper, and their people need access to energy and the modern life it provides more than anyone on the planet. That’s my biggest worry. There are literally billions of people who aspire to live the life a modern economy built on fossil fuels can provide and the countries developed enough to help them make the leap into renewables won’t even make that leap themselves. Let alone do so in the next few decades, let alone help those countries make that leap in the next few decades. That’s what makes this seem so hopeless to me. Here in the United States there are vague policy debates about carbon taxes, and how to spend that revenue to get the most climate bang for your buck, and various other policy initiviates that might help stave off Climate Change. In really ambitious circles there are discussions of all electric transport fleets (trucking mostly). Lab grown meats and a fundamental shift to more sustainable agriculture. And this is all stuff we needed to start doing GLOBALLY, not just here in the United States, about 2 decades ago. The IPCC says we need to limit warming to 2 degrees celsius to avoid worse outcomes. We’re on track to hit 5 plus and there’s really no clear consensus on what that means, outside it’s going to be bad. Catastrophic weather events will increase. We’re already seeing storms like Hurricane Maria regularly. There are massive forest fires destroying the Western United States, in November (for the third year in a row). Ice caps are melting even faster than anyone predicted, making the Arctic more easily passable during warmer months and likely almost completely ice free within the decade.  The mass extinction event the world is currently experiencing isn’t going to get any better. Large swaths of the planets plants and animals will disappear. Global conflict from food and water shortages will increase. Migration and the xenophobia that flows from it will become more common place. Domestic political issues flowing from all the above will increase. I think Climate Change is going to fundamentally change the planet, it’s going to fundamentally change humanity’s relationship with the planet, and there is going to be “creation of the printing press” level human conflicts that flow from that. I could add a paragraph or ten about how both the things above increase the likelihood of authoritarian regimes and just speed up the cycle I’ve kind of laid out, but I’ve put off studying by writing all this for too long already, so maybe more on that later. 

[vernicle]

<p>Behind the viral push to save one of the most inclusive shows on TV.</p>

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If Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher can do it, so can Hollywood's greatest names.

The excellent information: A seriously funny, awesomely varied sitcom wrapped up perform on its next period. The poor information: You could under no circumstances get to see it.

Any Seeso subscribers in the residence? Most likely not, and that's sort of what is actually leading to this predicament. On Wednesday, the NBCUniversal-backed comedy streaming company declared designs to shut down following about a yr and a 50 percent in operation.

It truly is unfortunate information, too, since Seeso was dwelling to "Just take My Wife," a critically acclaimed sitcom from IRL married duo Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher. The demonstrate follows the a little bit fictionalized life of Esposito and Butcher as they try to uncover own and expert success. The premise — comedians just hoping to make it in the real planet — is well-worn territory, but you have almost certainly under no circumstances seen it finished like this.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/enjoy?v=D05IZ0iNbNg?wmode=transparent&showinfo=&controls=1&enablejsapi=1&rel=&edition=three&color=white&w=560&h=315]

The show's next period just lately concluded filming, but with Seeso contacting it quits, there is certainly no telling if and when it will ever air.

It truly is an important demonstrate, and it is really absolutely worthy of saving.

In circumstance "Just take My Wife" under no circumstances finds a dwelling (ideally it will), Esposito tweeted a few important stats about the next season's production — specially, the demographics of the forged and crew.

Desired to tell u what getting a demonstrate on Seeso allowed us to do. I am so proud of #TakeMyWife. http://pic.twitter.com/UatqOyrPY7

— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) August 9, 2017

She urged followers to retweet her initial article and enable unfold the message using the #TakeMyWife hashtag.

The outpouring of help for this tweet is acquiring folx on the phone. Pls hold it going for #TakeMyWife https://t.co/1Dqpsky8I7

— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) August 10, 2017

Folks of color, gals, and associates of the LGBTQ community are beneath-represented equally in front of and behind the digital camera. "Just take My Wife" established out to alter that.

A report from the Ralph J. Bunche Middle for African American Studies at UCLA seemed at 200 leading-grossing films and much more than 1,200 Tv set demonstrates between 2014 and 2015 and observed that gals and men and women of color have been underrepresented on screen and in production. GLAAD ran a comparable examination with comparable benefits about the job of LGBTQ men and women in leisure media.

Picture by Jonathan Leibson/Getty Pictures for Los Angeles LGBT Middle.

With "Just take My Wife," Esposito and Butcher produced a concerted hard work to contain associates of traditionally underrepresented communities in the show's production. They hope this evidence of thought sends a message to Hollywood execs — but if there is certainly hope of persuading industry ability gamers to alter how they forged and seek the services of, it in all probability will help if, you know, the concluded product actually airs somewhere.

We experienced a lot of straight, cis, white men and gals on equally seasons of our demonstrate - THEY Ended up/ARE ALSO Excellent. #TakeMyWife

— Rhea Butcher🏳️‍🌈⚾️ (@RheaButcher) August 10, 2017

Making a planet the place men and women can see on their own in the media they eat has an impact beyond just this demonstrate.

Riley Silverman, a trans comic from Los Angeles, landed a job on "Just take My Wife." In a series of tweets, she nailed why varied, agent media is important.

I have under no circumstances seen a girl who seems like me on Tv set just before, and #TakeMyWife gave me the likelihood to *be* a girl who seems like me on Tv set.

— Riley Silverman (@ryesilverman) August 10, 2017

More than just people on a screen, illustration is about not experience alone in the planet. "It would have meant the planet to me to see myself represented," Silverman says through Twitter immediate message. "We failed to talk about any of this things when I was a child so I expended many years of my existence thinking I was just damaged. The first time I listened to anything trans connected was as a punchline in a Cracked journal parody of Batman, and however it nonetheless produced me realize there have been some others like me out there and I wasn't alone. And perhaps I would be okay."

Pop stars Tegan and Sara, who appeared in the "Just take My Wife" holiday getaway special, tweeted, "I speculate what my existence would have seemed like if I would seen thoughtful + optimistic #LGBTQ illustration on Tv set when I was youthful."

A handful of the show's writers and actors acquired in on the motion, heaping praise on Esposito and Butcher's perform and help...

#TakeMyWife is a special little demonstrate that's truthful and exclusive in its voice and illustration. Very pleased of @cameronesposito and @RheaButcher http://pic.twitter.com/bN5hiFQ4SV

— Zeke Nicholson (@DJZiggyZeke) August 10, 2017

#TakeMyWife gave me a large prospect by committing to casting queer actors in queer roles. Remember to will not enable the next period go unaired!

— GABY DUNN 🏳️‍🌈 (@gabydunn) August 10, 2017

#TakeMyWife is a wonderful demonstrate produced by my excellent buddies & often I'm on it. To me, that's all a demonstrate requirements to be worthy of saving, but this is much more: https://t.co/LAMlk6Bzjg

— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) August eleven, 2017

...as did the show's fans, superstars, and media figures, bringing the #TakeMyWife hashtag to Twitter's list of trending matters.

#TakeMyWife is funnier than each individual community comedy I have seen in a extensive though. Figuring out it arrives from this varied a team is no shock. https://t.co/AD28QNtthC

— Jamil Smith (@JamilSmith) August eleven, 2017

Let's enable help an additional gals-pushed comedy by throwing some appreciate to #TakeMyWife so it can uncover a new dwelling! @CW_CrazyXGF @TheCW @netflix https://t.co/jiEBGW4gif

— Bunchkins (@bunch_of_fans) August eleven, 2017

Let's uncover this demonstrate a dwelling. https://t.co/vfMjaepoJk

— Aimee Mann (@aimeemann) August eleven, 2017

take #TakeMyWife, remember to.

(if you are a Tv set community or streaming company or psychic mind connection facilitator.) https://t.co/8pBy1QoJSb

— Myq Kaplan (@myqkaplan) August eleven, 2017

I have no question that #TakeMyWife will uncover a large audience on an wonderful platform. Bidding war! https://t.co/rUiMuS5Lgt

— Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) August eleven, 2017

We Enjoy #TakeMyWife. ❤️🌈✨RT if you want to see period 2! https://t.co/L9Ai91oiEG

— GLAAD (@glaad) August eleven, 2017

Travis McElroy of "My Brother, My Brother and Me" (which was also on Seeso and has been saved by a different streaming platform), joined the battle.

Preserve #TakeMyWife! An wonderful demonstrate that includes 2 of my preferred men and women in this planet! THE Display Must GO ON! Notify Anyone! https://t.co/oYUaWxslfa

— The Travis McElroy (@travismcelroy) August eleven, 2017

With any luck ,, a community or streaming supplier will realize that there is certainly a seriously wonderful demonstrate completely ready for the planet to see and give it the audience it actually justifies. You can get included in the push to help you save the demonstrate by tweeting using the #TakeMyWife hashtag.

If #TakeMyWife finds a dwelling it's going to be bc of u all. Thank u. http://pic.twitter.com/cMeUxGmIIO

— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) August eleven, 2017

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