#the lonely mash finally connects with someone and is having fun with them as friends but then they start to realize.... uh oh. they are

[rocket-remmy]

Giving Thanks || Nora and Remmy

TIMING: Thanksgiving Day PARTIES: @fearfordinner​ and @whatsin-yourhead​ SUMMARY: Remmy cooks a full meal on Thanksgiving and Nora finally wanders down from the attic to partake. They decide the mansion should be a place of belonging.

The attic was dusty. Dusty from months of neglect. Nora had been content to allow her body to be covered by that dust by not getting out of bed. However Morgan had asked if she was doing anything with Remmy. Guilt had washed over Nora. She couldn’t ignore her friend family because she thought she had found a bio family. It was dumb to be upset about something that was never real anyway. So Nora slunk down the stairs into the kitchen. The kitchen smelled delightful. Food was splayed everywhere in a mouth watering set. “Wow.” Nora said slowly. “Someone’s been busy.”

Cooking was calming, and today was a day made for cooking. Stuffing and mashed potatoes and yams. And green beans and bread and a whole fucking turkey. Remmy had it all. They even cut up cheese and pulled out some crackers and set them on the counter as if preparing for a whole foray of guests. But there was no one. It was just them, and Nora laying sadly in the attic and the ghosts wandering around aimlessly for another lost holiday. The oven was just beeping when they heard someone behind them. “Oh, hey…” they said, rubbing the back of their head, “yeah, I...I just wanted to do something, I guess. Um...are you hungry?”

“Are we having guests?” Nora had never asked her housemates to tell her when someone was coming over. It was a big house, and everyone was welcome. She scooted into one of the stools in front of the kitchen. “It smells great, Remmy.” Nora, never the person for manners, ripped a leg off the turkey and took a bite. A person with more manners and self awareness might have stopped to ask if that was an appropriate way to behave in front of someone's food. Nora was not that person. “Did… you make yourself something?”

Remmy watched Nora sit and start eating and gave a small sigh of relief. They set down the last of the yams and pulled off the oven mits, taking a seat across from her. “No,” they answered quietly, poking at the yams. “I just...didn’t feel right not making something.” Not being with family. They wondered what Morgan was doing, who Blanche might be hanging out with, if Luce, Nell and Bea were having a big dinner. They loved Nora, but looking around at the big, empty, kitchen, they felt a longing that couldn’t be filled. “No, but it’s-- fine. I ate yesterday.” Or maybe the day before. Either way, their stomach did not grumble. Moose sat at their feet and whined and they carved a chunk of turkey off and fed it to him. “Did your family have big dinners for Thanksgiving?” they asked after a moment.

“My dads were the feasting kind.” Nora answered, her mouth full of turkey as she answered. “Their families, they didn’t like it when they came out. You know. Hetero shit.” Nora swallowed taking another bite before continuing. “So they held a feast for all their rich and successful friends. I never went. I kept getting in trouble for scaring them.” Nora was invited to go. She was a big hit at the halloween feast, but her dads were very proud of their feast and everything they did there. Nora hadn’t wanted to ruin that for them when she was old enough to understand it. “No this year. They’re in europe. No thanksgiving there. Did your family have thanksgiving?” Nora came to the realization that she knew absolutely nothing about their family. 

“Oh,” Remmy said, listening to Nora explain her family’s celebrations. “Hetero shit, yeah…” they could relate to that. They hadn’t known it really, back then, but they could relate. They peeled off another strip of turkey for Moose and fed it to him. He ate happily and licked his lips, ready for more. “Sounds lonely. I think having a fun scare should be a part of every holiday celebration, “ they teased lightly, giving her a little smile. They looked back away when she asked about them. “Well, it was just me and my dad, and he...didn’t care enough to do anything. Sometimes I went over to friends’ houses, but not until I was older. And then Thanksgiving in the military was either freeze-dried individual meals or mess hall slop.” They poked a potato and took a bite anyway. “So much foAWr taking care of the people who signed up to die for their country, huh?”

“I was never alone.” Nora’s answer came a little too quick. It was important though. She was always surrounded by friends. Right now a friend was crawling its way up her back, eight legs leaving a tickling trail behind on her as her friend relocated. “So much.” Nora agreed. Nora often forgot Remmy had been part of the military. They seemed too nice for the life. Then again, couldn’t say she actually knew other people from the military or its lifestyle. She’d never bothered to learn about it. “Do you think Blanche is eating and taking care of herself?” 

“You know...you can be not alone and still be lonely,” Remmy pointed out quietly. Because hadn’t that been how they’d felt their entire life? Surrounded by people, by friends, but always lonely. Always distant. They’d rarely been able to connect with people, only ever able to keep their friendship with loyalty and self-sacrifice. And now...everything was the opposite. They grabbed the bowl of stuffing and scooped a heap onto Nora’s plate and then their own. “There’s bacon bits in the stuffing, you’ll like it,” they said, stirring their own around. “I think so,” they answered, then, quieter, “I hope so.” 

Nora ignored what Remmy said. Who was she to speak on loneliness. Nora felt absolutely spoiled as Remmy put stuffing on her plate. All this food for just her. She really wished that Remmy could enjoy it with her. “Thanks.” She answered, instantly inhaling the offering. “I hope so.” And she did. “I look forward to this place becoming a sanctuary. The ghosts are nice, but.. More people will be nice.” Nora crossed her legs in the seat. “Is there anything you want me to get for it? I think I’ll start buying up clothes for a communal closet. In case they need things. You know.” 

“I think we should make one of the extra rooms into like...a game room. Maybe get a nice TV, some video game systems, board games...like a recreation room,” Remmy answered. They liked talking about this stuff more, anyway. It felt nicer. It felt easier. They took a bite of the flavorless stuffing and almost asked Nora if it tasted alright, but stopped short. She wouldn’t say anything bad about it if it did. She probably didn’t even care. “Clothes are a good idea, too. Stuff everyone can use. Maybe some extra linens and blankets.” 

“I like that.” It wasn’t a lie. The idea of a room dedicated to laughter and community time filled Nora with joy. She took another bite of food. “A closet for things. Like toothbrushes.” It’d be safe. People wouldn’t need to leave if they didn’t want to. People didn’t need to stay if they didn’t want to. Complete freedom should be found here. “Maybe an office room? For quiet time? Where the ghosts aren’t allowed to malfunction the electronics.” Ghosts would always be welcome in her home, but she knew that sometimes they could be a hindrance for everyday machinery. 

“Yeah,” Remmy agreed, nodding, “and soap.” Everyone needed soap, right? They looked across the table at Nora, smiling a little more now. A genuine warmth was filling their chest-- it’d been a while since they’d been happy to talk about something, since they’d looked forward to something good and nice. They stabbed the stuffing some more. “Oh, a quiet room would be great for sure! Maybe we even have enough rooms for a quiet room and an office room?” There were almost twenty rooms in the entire house, including the living room and dining room. They could make it work, right? They looked back over at Nora. “Hey, Nora?” they asked quietly, setting their fork down. It clinked quietly. “Thank you for being here with me. I-- know this kinda stuff is weird for you, but I just-- want you to know. I’m grateful to have you in my life.”

“Everyone needs soap.” Nora agreed. In another room Nora could hear Munch laughing over that comment. It was probably how often he told her that she looked a mess and needed soap that set him off. It wasn’t her fault that she spent most of her time walking around the forest. It got dirty out there. Babadook had slunk in at some point, and was waiting at Nora’s feet. She started sneaking him some turkey. Her hands stopped in the motion as Remmy spoke. Oh to have someone grateful that she existed and was in their life, in her life. That was… nice. “I’m grateful too.” Nora avoided eye contact, not one for heart to hearts. “I’m glad I had someone here to come home to.” She ripped a leg off the turkey in as violent of a motion as she could, and dropped it down to Babadook. Just so the moment wouldn’t be awkward. 

Remmy was sure their comment had probably made Nora a little uncomfortable, but they felt it was something they needed to say, especially lately. The ripping noise of the turkey made them wince a little, but it was food and it was made to be eaten, and it really didn’t matter in what manner that happened. They smiled over at Nora and reached to rip the other turkey leg off, just as violently as Nora had, before handing it down to Moose. “We’ll make this a good home for whoever wants to have it,” they said idly, glancing back across the table at Nora, “including you and me.”

[rksakura]

FINALE, EPISODE 7 🔊: fiesta (solo) + nillili mambo ( lyrics + lines ) | group performance with 💖 sakura, woojin, daniel & zuho! coaches @rkxjinki, @junerk, @rkjinwook! mentions: @rkxkikwang, @yuzurk, @rkxminhee, @rkpwj, @danielxrk, @rkchwev, @rkmason, @rkzxh, @hyojinrk, @rkyuri​, @rkchoutzuyu trigger warnings: mild levels of anxiety.

this is the final performance.

one more episode that'll determine everything and where she'll go, whether she gets signed or not. 

faces being eliminated could be a high possibility as well. the thought of anyone of her teammates being eliminated makes her feel uneasy. while sakura is a complete ray of sunshine with a heart of gold, she still sticks to the honest side. this is a competition, she's against her friends who she doesn't want to lose either. while the tensions are at its highest stake, she has to see the positive outcome in this. even til' now she tenses at times, she does a wonderful job hiding it away from the camera which is a good advantage to her. that's because she's learned to smile through hard times but the adrenaline on the stage also excites her, the experience that made her develop into a better performer came from this opportunity.

she couldn't be any more grateful than to have a chance to broaden her connections, meeting the coaches wasn't intimidating at all. just like before, sakura makes bento boxes for her team and the coaches before the day ends and preps the meals accordingly to day-by-day. she was one who prefers homemade meals over going out despite her being a huge foodie. nothing beats the feeling of home sweet home. spending time with the team, she's gotten to know them more. it helps to know what they like with their dishes, sakura does her best to adjust to as they requested. hojung, jinki, and jinwook are coaches that she can ask feedback from comfortably without hesitating.

moments in the training room aren't simply singing, dancing, or rapping but conveying creativity and sharing ideas before all of them picked a final song. there are underlying doubts that reside in her when she hears that the tempo is following with hip-hop brands, she can't help it but reflects on her social image, a girl filled with aegyo and unique tone to rapping but she still feels it doesn't suit her. she's mentioned it to zuho, sitting down at the highest peak of a building to look over the dark skies. she's been wanting to receive feedback from the coaches, so she asks and they tell her that she needs to believe in herself more. sakura couldn't agree anymore. she's the type of person to motivate herself but can't do it all alone, encouragement from peers gives her the push that she needs to carry on.

the writing sessions with daniel are fun. at first, the impressions with sakura that she rubs off as a gentle, warm-hearted and that she might not be into all that with rapping, but she's been interested in song-writing for a while. this stems from her interest in poetry, writing haikus were her favourite past-time as a child. there's nothing but empowerment she feels from rapping, especially when it derives from her own resources. she's intrigued by his creativity levels, they're out of this world and she's sure to inform her teammate about his talents.

somewhere in the day, she's chatting with yuzu and notices that she's able to attend the live show with minhee. when she hears the good news, sakura instantly smiles and promises she'll work harder for the both of them. plus, she couldn't let the rest of her team down if she doesn't practise her facial expressions. the uneasy remnants remain trapped but she overrides that by giving practise her all. she needs to work on how she emphasizes certain words in korean, taking the time to memorise the lyrics as it's majority hangul than english. pronunciation is keycore, she couldn't make an embarrassment out of herself knowing that netizens out there could be out for her life. sakura has to be prepared for anything. she works hard in what she believes in, music is basically the air she breathes for.

most of all, she doesn't leave out to be there for her beloved ones. including mason and it honestly broke her heart when she heard the results from the last episode, but she doesn't mention it as she doesn't want to upset anyone. sakura can only wish him the best of luck and she does every time, rooting for mason and supporting his decisions. she even lets him know that she's afraid of not making it through when she's been this far and she's always listening to his stories within the industry. she takes a good time to hang out with her childhood friend and it breaks the concerns overwhelming her temporarily. she's overthinking but being side-by-side with her friends relieve any trepidation.

sometimes, she wants to ask yuri if she can stay over and have a sleepover with yuzu before all of this mga stuff happened? she wonders, will she lose everything if she did win and sign the contract? her friends are everything to her. sakura doesn't want to forget anyone or have herself be forgotten. she hasn't been able to see kikwang and tzuyu and it does run in her mind, bothering her to the point she'd write handwritten letters for them she'd give later on.

she doesn't ever forget her roots. ever.

it feels lonely without hyojin when he’s not around, sakura loves his company over. she wants to keep going on but she can’t help but think to send a text through, wondering if her good friend was alright after seeing what recently happened in the last episode. sakura doesn’t do so well dealing with loss. not that she’s a sore loser but when the ones she cares for experience such a thing.

the big day comes shortly. she wakes up from her bed with enough sleep to get on with her day, packing all the lunches she's made for her team the night before. there's also her hygienic duties, brush her teeth and fix her hair as well as eat her breakfast before she sets out to her designated destination. once she gets there, sakura enters the mnet building, greeting everyone familiar to her. waving her hands all around the place and wishing them the best, the energy pill is her, that roots for everyone! she feels that's the best energy she can give out. she's got everything packed carefully in her backpack, switching over to the outfit and her makeup's already done. the theme of the performance is interesting, different than what she usually does.

jinwook's birthday comes along, she brings mini mochi ice creams for everyone, including a pack for jinwook himself! celebrating birthdays gets sakura cheery, it makes her genuinely happy as it's someone else's important day and a nice day to celebrate with everyone. this week has been quite eventful with everything lining up with her school and volunteer work schedule to, but sakura feels that it's an escape, that's why going out and celebrating holidays make a great hangout. she sings happy birthday to jinwook, both in japanese and korean.

the choreography isn't hard to learn, but the focus on this episode seems like it was revolving around dancing than anything else but that's her weakest, that doesn't stop sakura from working around her barriers. she doesn't use that as an excuse to let laziness guide her. in fact, she uses it as willpower to take the challenge. she sees this as something she wants to overcome, something to be better at so that way in the future, she's overall a consistent performer. the sphere practise room is peaceful from what she remembers. the concept that she's been given is a trc-based but the doubts aren't bad anymore, sakura has all she needs. the right environment, the swagger of her own even if it doesn't suit the rappers from the original song. it's better to tweak it up to her own style rather than copy someone else anyway.

without vernon, it doesn't feel right either. a missing piece of the puzzle; another number down, a presence that her team is missing. she admired him for the tips she's learned from him in the rapping department, specifically. it's rare for sakura to meet rappers and when she does, she's sure to exchange information to keep in contact. she's met a couple more faces being in seoul. traveling around the world from youth, sakura's lost touch with a lot of friends that she was close to. she made sure that wouldn't happen as often present day. 

at least, she can rely on daniel with performance criticism and critiques.

he’s right. the song is enjoyable as long as she doesn’t break her concentration. she asks zuho again and again, what defines sakura’s swagger? she’d receive the same words to be herself and not force it. she did have an individuality, an enigma to her soul when it comes to being up on the stage. she’s going to show that off.

when she’s sitting next to her team on her assigned seat, it’s not much longer until her full name is called up. miyawaki sakura. she’s assigned to take a section of the mash-up, matching her own epitome is the song solo by jennie from blackpink. she’s small bits here and there researching trc’s trends a couple nights ago, keeping notes up in her bulletin board as she read over them during rehearsals. the song’s quite powerful, so much that it eventually grew on her. she found herself playing it on repeat during her commute times. she presents a polite bow to the contestants and the judges that will be evaluating them.

before the song begins, she’s wearing a pair of sunglasses and posing for the camera as the lighting gradually increases, lenses lock on the team. she throws them off as the music starts playing. woojin starts with the opening lines and sakura dances along to her formation, movements sharp as she’s highlighting on her dancing. she’s practised so many times that she’s memorised the moves efficiently. daniel, zuho, and woojin sing through their lines and when sakura reaches her’s, she doesn’t find herself breathy thanks to the techniques she’s learned. jinki also helped in that aspect too, taking deep breaths before any performance is the way to go. it keeps her breath control in check as well as her anxiety levels.

when her lines come up, she holds the microphone firmly in her hand and starts singing. it’s not anything too hard, she holds a nice melody with her sweet tone. it’s easy on the ears but not aggressive that it seems like she’s overshadowing her teammates. sakura didn’t want that at all. she wants everything to be a fair win.

bichi naneun solo bichi naneun solo

i’m going solo lo lo lo lo lo i’m going solo lo lo lo lo lo

she rolls her body to the melody, keeps up with the same energy with her lines and dancing to make sure she doesn’t look subpar. she shares this segment with daniel. she has a big smile on her face as she looks over her teammate and winks, posing up two peace signs as she’s delivering a wave of charisma with her profound valor.

geot gachi ttaekkaji geunyang sarado dwae geu malhaneun neon sujeosujeo georyeo nan saraminde so what~ sing it loud like

bichi naneun solo

invariably, her australian accent shows with any of the english lyrics. her signature trademark is her multilingual abilities. she transitions it well back to korean, then switching to english. by this, she can use a unique ‘switch’ with her rapping or singing flow. her voice is a tool, a part of her she can control than let any of the fears control her. it’s an instrument like what her choir teacher told her back in high school during her cheerleader days.

bichi naneun solo i’m going solo lo lo lo lo lo i’m going solo lo lo lo lo lo

the mash-up seems like a fast-tempo song, she’s somewhat surprised that she’s able to hold off on her own because if the current her was the same sakura from a year ago, she wouldn’t even have the ounce of confidence to be on this stage without trembling or shaking. anxiety doesn’t go away just like that, she has her moments too but she didn’t work hard for all of this to go to waste.

she’s jumping on the stage with a bright smile on her face as she winks at the camera again! she picks herself up to hit the dance moves duly, providing an excerpt of her rap.

give me more give me more geonjohan sok keun bul jipin neo gudeojin du bare tto hoheuphae anim michilgeol ganjeolhi gajgo sipeo neon allokdallok son japgo nun gamgo ipmajchwo neomgyeo baton

the cute charm remains (it’s never going away, isn’t that what everyone knows her for?) but sakura also wants to indicate her chic colours, she’s not reliant on her ‘soothing sound’ at the moment but wants to leave an unremarkable impression to the judges so that her name’s written somewhere out there and she’s not just another pretty face on the screen that seems talentless. that’d be the last she’d want to go by. to get to the top, she must survive her way to the bottom and fight her way to become a rising phoenix.

give me more

she’s learned how to harmonise with her team too! sakura didn’t know too much about in-depth singing features but it’s essential if she wants to sound good and hold a note. she doesn’t sound off-key and not too horrible but still isn’t at the peak where she can belt out high notes like the others do. jinwook and jinki have strong pipes which is why she asked for some pointers on her vocal control and the consistency of it. her vocals are soft, thin and sometimes airy but she isn’t doing adlibs so sakura holds a strong tune.

yongseohaejulge

the boys possess loads of charisma as well which compliment the entire performance, she can really rely on her team without a doubt to win this. it doesn’t even have to be first place but sakura’s one to appreciate the beauty regardless of the situation.

sunglasses are on at the end, she’s forming a v-shape with her fingers underneath her chin as she poses.

she’s given a lot of her energy but it doesn’t stop there. the song closes but another door opens. this was the most complicated piece she’d spend a good time on, endless nights and days of playing owl so that she didn’t stutter with her words. but like the last song, the sound of it was also energetic! she found a way to work around it.

pirates, argh matey and all. wooden boats and parrots as props in the setting. she thinks it’s an amusing concept, not one that seems typical of her but once she takes off the sunglasses, an eyepatch is revealed and she throws the sunglasses to the audience if someone wanted to catch it. daniel opens up with his rap and it’s the part where he wrote his own lyrics. she’d proud of his achievement and his ability and it expresses in her eyes whilst performing in the stage.

she jams to the melody of zuho’s swagger voice, he’s popping off as well and sakura’s happy for her best friend. it feels like there was nothing to be stressed over the entire time, not when she has zuho by her side to support her through tough times. she cherishes his company, doting on him a lot of the time. sakura keeps up with the movement of the dance, making sure to keep a friendly smile on her face!

aight~! jakjeonghago nawara  sarammada jeongsin nagan holiday igot bunwigin yeoreumbada  geollijeok georineun witdori taruihae eosuseonhage beongjjiji mara yangchigisonyeon gachi  sabangeul jeonjeonhamyeo Blah Blah donghaedo naega daibinghamyeon adamhan puljang joeda baksallaera click clack boom pow

being the only girl in the group felt scary at first but she’s aware that the boys have her back when she’s in trouble and they don’t bite at all. sakura’s the type of person to give people the benefit of the doubt. it often ended well for her as most people didn’t take advantage and don’t break her trust. there are a few cases but not many to the point she’d lose the spark of her generosity.

she’s doing what she loves on stage, living the dream. being able to rap freely, proving people wrong—not to judge by her looks, to see the soul with eyes. she lets the boys shine in the spotlight while following the formation of the dance.

(this is real b.b) (we be big pimpin)

baksuchigo sondeureo igeon baiking taljinhal ttaekkaji gyesok syauting bbbbrrrrrrrr~!

not one song but two, this was a lot and she’ll be tired after but it’s worth it.

she doesn’t have much longer. the song’s going to end soon. sakura doesn’t want to think about the countdown but enjoy and breath in the moment of the song. she takes heavy deep breaths but keeps the microphone away from her mouth so there’s no feedback. when it’s her time to shine again, sakura sings the last bit of her lines effortlessly.

nilliri rarara nilliriya nillirimambo nilliri rarara nilliriya nillirimambo nilliri rarara nilliriya nillirimambo

woojin closes the song. when the instrumental stops playing, she’s out-of-breath but thanks everybody for watching them. including the viewers, judges, and contestants. prior to leaving the stage, sakura takes a courteous bow on the stage.

adrenaline gushes through her system, it’s not leaving yet as she’s still going to root for the others, watching the remaining time of the mnet global auditions. she has to stay to see what the results are. regardless, watching the process of elimination is nerve-wracking. at least, she can enjoy the rest of the other performances and see what everyone else has to show off!

she didn’t calculate that she’d make it this far but being on this taxing and demanding show has polished a lot of her skillsets that she probably couldn’t do on her own with the help of her peers, friends, coaches, teammates, and any words she’s received from the judges about her musicianship.

she’s come a long way down this road. she’ll have to call her mother and father once they’re back from their business trip so she can catch up since it’s been a while she hasn’t contacted them. she’s been slacking in communications but she’s doing the best she can with the limited time she has.

[thesinglesjukebox]

TAYLOR SWIFT FT. BRENDON URIE - ME!

[3.53]

Things have changed for "ME!"...

Alex Clifton: A lead single should not make me think, "Oh, is this the Kidz Bop version?" [3]

Abdullah Siddiqui: This isn't the Old Taylor or the New Taylor. It's some entity so devoid of anything remotely substantive it doesn't warrant a human name. And I'm not very familiar with this Brendon Urie, but his delivery of the line "and you can't spell awesome without 'me'" sounds like the sonic embodiment of a Disney XD mid-season replacement choking on its own blue-cotton-candy puerilism. And I know that makes literally no sense but it's honestly the best way I know how to describe it. [2]

Taylor Alatorre: On the one hand, this was designed to subvert as few expectations and step on as few toes as a late 2010s Taylor Swift lead single can. On the other hand, it commits so hard to the bit that it ends up becoming a Lonely Island parody of the kind of post-Glee positivity pop that fueled the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign. Our culture may be more jaundiced since then, but the market for that stuff hasn't gone away, and Swift and Urie deliver the message in a way that feels more true to how people actually consume those songs. Rather than offering the prize of social recognition as a package deal with some nebulous invocation of societal change, they make a beeline for the inner voice of narcissism that resides within the overworked neoliberal subject. They listen to that voice, they give it what it wants, and the result is a communal celebration of self-regard that, in all its candidness and mutual puffery, makes you feel connected to something larger than just another grueling megastar album cycle. Unfortunately, that "something larger" happens to be the same collective unconscious that apparently just wants Panic to be the "High Hopes" band now. [7]

Jessica Doyle: It's catchy, granted, but so insistently, aggressively vapid that I am resisting the obvious conclusion that Taylor Swift actually thinks that this is work to be proud of. It makes more sense as a reconciliation of three opposing forces: she wants to make music; she feels responsible for the multi-hundred-dollar machine she's spent half her life putting in motion; and she dislikes and resents the performer (maybe also the person) she's become. That would explain pairing a catchy song with lyrics such as "can't spell awesome without ME!" and a video whose final shots suggest she is actually made of toxic rainbow sludge. [3]

Katherine St Asaph: A garish mess in exactly the same way "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" was. Yelpy vocals, forced whimsy, obnoxious spoken word, slapdash everything -- well, almost everything. The chorus is the second song in a year to rip off Emeli Sandé's "Next to Me," which really wasn't in need of two ripoffs. The old Taylor can't come to the phone right now, because she's been replaced with the New Boring. Brendon Urie is the best thing about this, though I'd rather listen to three minutes of him singing Vines. [3]

Tobi Tella: Can something be inoffensive enough that it becomes offensive? It's hard to imagine a song this generically pleasant and basic angering people off the heels of some of the Reputation singles, but here we are. It's disappointing to see Taylor put out yet another vapid lead single devoid of any deep themes, but goddamn if this didn't grow on me almost immediately. It's just so much dumb fun, and even though these two people are capable of much more and I'll probably forget about it in a few months I will definitely scream it every time it comes on the radio for now. [6]

Will Adams: The singular badness of Taylor's past three lead singles can all be boiled down to their overblown-ness, whether in song, in video, or in their inevitable absorption into The Discourse. But "ME!" is a special kind of bad, one whose wrongness comes from all directions to create something truly confusing. There's the sonic rehashing of a single from two albums back (also those terrible horns), inert lyrics that offer nothing recognizably Swift, the aesthetic 180 that makes Reputation feel even more pointless and, worst of all, the patronizing kids show affect. It's really hard to figure out what she was trying to do here. Without Max Martin's catchphrases, Shellback's sheen, or even Jack Antonoff's weirdness, we're left with an overblown Train song. Here's hoping, come the album, she keeps her promise that we'll never find another like "ME!". [1]

Jibril Yassin: Taylor Swift loves dispatching red herrings for her forthcoming albums in the form of lead singles. While she couldn't fully commit to the heel turn, Reputation went out of its way to show her songwriting capacities hadn't diminished, but it says a lot that I already want the Right Said Fred-aided Taylor back. "ME!" flows and surges with the pop efficiency she's mastered, but the lyricism resembles a once-sharp camera lens out of focus. Draping herself in the sounds she last used on Reputation, now drenched in major-key sunshine, also feels like a serious misstep when a theatre-kid diva like Brendon Urie decides to show up and completely steal the show. A song like "ME!" calls for high theatrics and powerful vocals and here, Taylor doesn't play to her strengths. [3]

Katie Gill: Taylor Swift was one of the first people to sign on for the movie-musical Cats. I'm not saying this just because that fact brings me joy and happiness every time I remember it, but because you don't agree to be in a show that features tap-dancing beetles, a magic show, and a character called Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat unless you have a healthy appreciation for cheesiness. And this song further proves that Taylor Swift is fully embracing the concept of cheese. Why else would she include lyrics like "hey kids! Spelling is fun!". But three things prevent this song from reaching its full, beautiful, glorious Gouda potential. One: the fact that the chorus seems designed from the ground up to play in a Target commercial. Two: the fact that the lyrics never get past the braggadocio, "I'm so awesome" hubris that tainted a lot of her Reputation-era work. Three: Brendon Urie's existence on the track. [6]

Ryo Miyauchi: Taylor's past fuck-yous to her former guys worked because she didn't leave room for them to speak in the song's narrative or actually in the music itself. Brendon Urie in "ME!" functions as wish fulfillment on top of wish fulfillment, singing the ideal response from the man to go with Taylor's perfect last words. His presence is extra fluff that the track can do without, but he's just one of many campy toppings that sugarcoats the stinging bitterness at the song's core to the point they wash away any taste when consumed. The cliche series of contrasts in the pre-chorus, the Sesame Street bridge, filler rhymes just to get to the next lyric -- all of this lyrical blandness doesn't help prop Taylor up as the underdog to cheer for in this breakup. [4]

Joshua Copperman: Every part of this song sounds like other songs that were successfully upbeat without being too cutesy. "ME!" isn't one of those. Like former contemporary Katy Perry with her "Swish Swish" video, Swift actively tries to be cringey but the attempts at cringe make her cringey. It's like Patrice Wilson's self-conscious follow-ups after "Friday" if he was given a Dave Meyers video budget. Taylor's own friend-by-her-right-ay Brendon Urie helps a little bit, because he's good at hamming it up, but while Taylor has pulled off hamminess in the past ("Blank Space" is one of her most-loved songs for a reason), this doesn't suit her. Even the lines about fighting in the rain feel like perfunctory good lyrics. The rest of the album will probably be fine, as even 1989 led with "Shake It Off." But even that song's bridge didn't have "spelling is fun." [3]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: For a second, right around "spelling is fun," I thought this would ascend, phoenix-like, into glorious schlock. But before and after that incredible interlude, "ME!" is not even the exciting kind of trash. It's content to just be mediocre, occasionally winking at the camera in ways that its authors clearly think is endearing but mostly come off as desperate. It's an emphatic shrug of a song, at once saying nothing and doing so loudly. [1]

Scott Mildenhall: Tonally aimless, it's very hard to deduce the spirit in which this is meant. In its most desperate moment -- yes, "spelling is fun!" -- it doesn't so much tip its hat to the audience as frisbee it into their face, but at the same time it's not so ironic as to be mean-spirited. As a whole, it's like a Wiggles mash-up of "Blank Space" and "We Go Together", and it's hard to know how anyone, whether their intentions were wholesome or cynical, would ever reach that by design. Perhaps this is simply just a spectacular misfire. The thematic mismatches, zero-dexterity crowbarring of aphorisms, desultory brass parps and gossamer-thin hook suggest seriously misplaced ambition. The one time "ME!" seems to be heading in its intended direction is its conclusion, at which it becomes an ever-ascending celebration. By then, though, it's already dug itself a deep hole to fly out of. [5]

Alfred Soto: The first time she's sounded manic and desperate, like someone pleading for her life; she could've titled it "You Must Love Me." [3]

Stephen Eisermann: Remember when everyone said "Look What You Made Me Do" was Taylor's worst lead single and it could never be worse? I do. And guess what? This is worse. [1]

Jonathan Bradley: "ME!" takes as its starting point the belated success of "Delicate," the late-cycle Reputation single that helped remind more than a few listeners and critics that they'd radically misinterpreted that album on its release. It makes sense that Taylor Swift would return to the source of that renewed goodwill, and this new single does sound designed as a rebirth of sorts: it is sunny and outward-looking after an insular and intimate record. It's also unashamedly and jubilantly corny. That should not surprise; Swift has never only been a dextrous chronicler of emotional contours, and corn has been a part of her songwriting toolbox going back at least to the time she wrote a gushing romance starring Romeo and Juliet that ended with a marriage and hefty key change. "ME!" is unabashed in its goofiness, pairing that dorkiness with the frivolity of "Shake It Off," her biggest hit to date. Panic! At the Disco's Brendon Urie fits in well with this theatricality, and Swift helps temper his archness; he's had "High Hopes," but never this much fun. And it's this sense of fun that makes "ME!" so enjoyable. This is a song that sees the strangenesses and imperfections of ourselves and the people around us, and greets them with optimism and -- Reputation hasn't entirely left us -- a bit of wanton selfishness. I've been to plenty of Taylor Swift shows and, as with "Shake It Off" or "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" or "This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things" -- I can already tell how much of a blast of a setlist-capper "ME!" will be. [8]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: "Taylor finger, Taylor finger, where are you?" [1]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[ladystarlight-blog]

The Room of Imagination

  Maria had always been lonely. Her mother always worked, her babysitter sat on the couch watching tv or sleeping. She never went to school before, she was too young. For all of the almost six years of her life, she had always been lonely, it was part of her life. Her hair was like her mom's, brown with honey streaks. Her eyes were green, unlike the sky blue ones her mother had. She wore a purple tee shirt and blue shorts all the time, the only kinds of clothes her mother could afford. She had exactly four pairs of socks, all of them dirty. Her pajamas had seen better days, a simple nightgown that was pink with a picture of a dog on the front. Every week, Maria would ask for a puppy before her mom went out to work. Every week Maria's mom said, "No, honey, we just don't have the money. You know that."

     This week, Maria asked the morning of her birthday. Maria got the usual answer. Maria didn't get wished happy birthday from her baby sitter, who fell asleep on the couch watching the old box tv again. Maria turned the tv off, tired of hearing the white noise it made every time it lost connection to the news station. She was tired of being forgotten, of being lonely. If only something would come and change it! She cried quietly in her room with sorrow. Her mother was at work on her birthday, and her babysitter was sleeping again. She went to her single dusty, cracked window in her bedroom and looked at the sky. "Please," she whispered, "Make today special."

     The entire day, Maria spent by herself in the apartment, with every inch of the place sighing with loneliness. Maria played with some paper dolls she made with the construction paper and crayons she had got for her birthday last year. She threw a paper doll birthday party, even making a paper cake with birthday candles on it. Maria wished so hard it could be real, that one day, she could have a birthday party, and her mom wouldn't have to go to work all the time, that she had friends who cared for her, and never let her be lonely. The thought only made her sad again.

     When Maria's mom got home that day, she burst through the door and shouted, "Happy birthday, Maria!" She was holding a box in one hand, and a smaller box in the other.

     "Mommy!" Maria squealed, "You didn't forget!"

     "Why, how could I ever forget my precious little girl's birthday?" Maria's mother cooed, setting the boxes she held down on the folding table. "Where you good while I was gone?"

     "Yes, Mommy," Maria answered, "except my baby sitter slept all day." Maria pointed to the woman still sleeping on the couch.

     "Poor lady gets no sleep at night. She has five kids at home," Maria's mom said, and Maria nodded all serious like, as if she understood, even though she didn't understand why having five kids had anything to do with sleeping.

     "Can I open my present?" Maria asked, jumping up and down.

     "Maria!" her mother scolded, "You know you aren't supposed to jump. Mr. Stanly complains that spiders fall on him every time you do."

     "Sorry Mommy," Maria said, "But can I?"

     "Tut tut! Presents come after cake, and cake can only be eaten by good little girls who eat their dinners first!" Maria's mom said before pulling two microwave dinners from the old, dirty ice box. She put them in the microwave, an ancient thing that could have been put in a museum, in Maria's opinion. After they were done, Maria stuck a mouthful of mashed potatoes in her mouth, only to swallow them quick, because they burnt her tongue. She didn't care, though, and wolfed down her meal. The small box held two chocolate cupcakes, Maria's favorite. Maria made the wish that her mom would somehow get a bunch of money, so she could quit her job and never work again, then blew out the candle shaped like a six.

     The cupcake was delicious, but soon came time for her to open her present. Maria sat excited in the middle of the tiny living room floor with the box in front of her. The babysitting lady had brought over her ten year old to watch. The other girl's name was unknown to Maria, even though she had seen the girl before. Maria carefully pulled off the baby pink wrapping paper, folding it into a neat little square and setting it aside. Next, the tape had to be pulled off the box, and each flap pulled back. Maria's eyes grew wide and she gasped in joy. "A puppy!" she said breathlessly.

     "Oh, it's just stuffed," the ten year old said, looking to see.

     "Yes, and she's wonderful," Maria exclaimed.

     "I thought you'd like her. I figured since we can't afford a real one, I'd get you a toy puppy," Maria's mother explained.

     "Thank you so much!" Maria hugged her mom around the middle and also hugged the other girl and her baby sitter, just to be polite.

     Once Maria was in her room alone the next day, she held the puppy out at arm's length to look at it better. It's fur was milk chocolate brown, it's eyes like caramel. It's face was cute and sweet. Around it's neck was a fabric collar, a pink one. "Hello, Rose," Maria said, deciding the stuffed animal's name. On the collar was a metal ring that once held a name tag, but didn't anymore. After some searching, Maria found a rose quartz pendant from a necklace she found at the park once. "Now you look like a proper puppy," Maria put it on the collar, "Puppies don't have tag less collars."

     Maria sang a little song as it came to mind while she spun in circles around her room;

'Round and round I go

Dreaming of a place to be

Where toys can run and play with me

Where the sky is always blue and clear

Where the sun always shines

A place to have fun

Where imagination is the key'

     Suddenly, the door to Maria's closet glowed, illuminating the bedroom. She jumped back in fright, staring at the closet door and clutching the dog to her chest. The door slid open to show, instead of her dusty closet, a room. She tentatively stepped through the frame and gasped. The room had sky blue walls and carpet as green as grass, and soft as the softest blanket. The far wall had a single toy shelf, like the ones she saw through the window at the toy store on the rare occasions her mother took her shopping. On the carpet was a large rug, a rich brown like chocolate icing and golden threads like the silken decorations on fancy cakes. Maria walked slowly across the room marveling at it all. The carpet under her feet, the air so fresh and beautiful smelling, even the color of the walls made her stare on wonder. Placing the stuffed dog on the rug, Maria went over to feel the shelf. It was cool to the touch, smelled of a forest after rain, and was smooth like the counters at the babysitter's house.

     Maria heard a bark. "How could that be?" She wondered. A tug on her sock. Maria looked down, and to her amazement, a live puppy sat at her feet, wagging it's tail. Maria looked at the rug and saw no stuffed dog, but the golden threads were glowing softly.

     "The rug brought my puppy to life!" Maria was beside herself with joy. She pet the creature, which was even warm like a living being, letting it lick her face. Maria filled the room with her laughter and the barks of the dog echoed off the walls.

     After Maria calmed down, she said out loud, "If only I had a ball to throw." To her surprise, the rug glowed and up from it flew a ball, which the dog jumped after. Maria chased after it, and after a few minutes, they had the ball and truly looked at it. It was a tennis ball, perfect for throwing. Maria threw it again.

     After a few hours, the room was filled with toys playing and laughing with Maria and the bedroom framed like an image in the doorway was dark. Her mom's voice flittered into the room. "Maria? I'm home!" The toys leaped onto the shelf, and the dog into Maria's arm's and became motionless, no longer alive. She glanced back at the room on her way out, and closed the door as her mother came in. "How was your day?"

     "Wonderful, mama, just wonderful." Maria responded.

     That fall, Maria started school. She visited the room often, though their living conditions improved. As she went to middle school then high school, her mother had more time, and spent more time with her. Then everything changed when her mom came home with her boyfriend and the announcement of a sister. Her life from then on was just like her childhood, just in a nicer home. Everything new was for the baby, even after the thing was born. All the attention went to the baby. Everything was about the baby, the baby, the baby.

     Four years later, Maria sat in her room with the stuffed dog in her arms. She pet it sorrowfully. She was overshadowed by someone she was supposed to love. She was fifteen, Maria thought she had to have changed from her childhood.

      The thing she was jealous of walked in. "Sissy, do you think mama will let us get a puppy?" Daisy asked.

     "I gave up asking a long time ago," Maria replied, sighing. She couldn't help but look in Daisy's eyes, and loving her. They were related, and they even both had the same dream, to own a puppy. She gave up on it all, the fantasy that she could hate someone so closely related to her.

     That evening, Daisy began doing exactly what Maria had done in her childhood, asked for a puppy every week. She brought Daisy into her room after dinner and presented the dog to her. "Watch," Maria instructed, then opened the door to the secret she had kept so long. Daisy was just as amazed as Maria had been her first time.

     This continued for another month, and Maria grew closer to Daisy than she had ever been with her mom. She laid in her bed one evening, without the dog. It was clutched in the arms of Daisy, sleeping across the hall. Maria was happy, and for the first time, truly content. She finally had the friend she had wished for that sixth birthday so long ago.

[popcornbutterflymedia]

~ reckoning, respite, returns, reality check ~

the whole benison community from max's incident. it's enough to shake the status quo and blur the social lines of the school. the jock is checking up on the class vp who is checking up on the outsider and so fourth. max unknowingly set off a ripple effect, mostly for good.

for purposes of discussion, the mean girls will still be called mean girls, which honestly doesn't do them justice since they are some of the most fascinating complex characters in this series. these mean girls are a sample, a microcosm of the entire student body: some are being eaten up by their conscience, some are covering their tracks, convincing themselves of their innocence through their false nonchalance and misplaced calm. while some are just oblivious.

while some, through their guilt, attempts to change for the better.

max at the hospital is taken care of by her dad who up to this point has kept his promise of being a father to her. he even called it an early day, much to his other daughter's shock, and had adobong pusit prepared for max. truly love changes, truly love is in the details. 

the sisters, albeit awkwardly are on speaking terms. they are both civil enough for max to promise to stay away, live by her sister’s rules, to keep quiet about their connection just to keep the peace. it’s not about them being sisters. it’s not about the whole school knowing they are sisters, apparently. it’s getting used to being sisters, above anything. elle they can’t be close all at once, like they both don’t have issues to work on. even the sisterly bond isn’t a magical fairytale all at once. elle proposes coexistence. sometimes, when resolution is too much to ask, an impasse is good enough for some semblance of civility and peace. 

team max makes their presence known, all flowers, balloons, prancing into the room to the mash up of their laughter and giggles, like the collective sunshine that they are. elle excuses herself on the pretense of buying her sister fruits. she passes awkwardly by, momentarily covering the sunshine with her gray skies, the collective sunshine, blissfully oblivious. only ysay notices, a lone cloud, ready to burst at the seams with a downpour of truth any moment. she is able to hold it together though, part of a group promise to be a family, and to keep no secrets. she is biding time. for now, part of the truth is all she could afford. she tells max of her discomfort: how odd the truth is, that elle is her sister, especially knowing how elle has treated max. max is too forgiving, too loved, she is able to dismiss this call out. the bubble of peace and joy and reconciliation is still holding on for now.

that night, max receives news from concerned mindoro friends. after the customary checking up on her, they drop a bomb: rj, the childhood friend is back, all the while closer than she thought he was, much to max’s shock.

in the morning, deib prepares a gift box full of the girl’s favorites brought by a big and huggable benison bear: fried chicken and ube, among others. on the way in, he bumps into his chief school rival, echavez. even hospital visits are a competition between these two. little do they know they share a ‘girlfriend.’under different circumstances, of course. both visits failed because said girlfriend had been discharged that morning

a new week in school, in the huddle of students, of new friends, and mingled groups, max is missed. more so by an alpha sitting quietly, ripe with expectation. it’s a new day at benison in more ways than one, in deeper ways than we expect. every bit of good news about girl makes his heart flutter, that in turn makes him smile wider. he is careful not to give himself away, struggling to keep the alpha image in place. he plans to visit max, because text messages won’t do. he has to see her, he invites their friends for good measure, to keep his cover, but they know better. ‘see for yourself. tob says. tob, whose own romance, made of cakes, and cookies, campus walks and cherry blossos is quietly  blooming on the side.

the girl deib wants to see is making her way across the campus to her friends, with her sister following close behind. max is met embraced with excitement by her school family, while elle received death stares and the cold treatment. she asks max to join her group. and so the social hierarchy  is disturbed once again.

amidst the excitement of max's comeback, deib doesn't move from where he stands. for all his restlessness wanting to see her, when finally has the chance, he stays in place. he watches her, with her friends, in her new school, the two of them finally in good terms, she is finally settled. this is one of the moments he must be alluding to, when he later speaks of learning to pay attention because of her. there is no hurry. he'll get his chance later.

lost in the frenzy of a familiar welcome, she is whisked away to a table in the cafeteria where elle sister hesitantly asks for space, understanding that her history with her sister’s friends makes it difficult for her to belong. ysay grows smaller, made restless by her presence, understandably so. the awkwardness doesn't last long, as michiko's kindness wins over ans in no time, she fits right into her sister's chosen family.

deib chooses that moment to ask max for a date, a chance her friends approve of. the striking thing about max and deib is that the bond they are intentionally building creates ripples that shape even the bonds of their friend groups. theirs is a selfless, shared potential love.

deib gets his first official date with max. this is one of the few quiet encounters, where the noise of the world's expectations and standards are left outside the door. in that quiet, deib makes himself clear: he intends to repair his and max's friendship. he's here to let her know he likes her, more than a friend. he always has, he just had to take it back the first time, for fear of rejection. probably even for fear of saying the wrong thing that might trigger those around him. at least that's what he's used to. he's used to taking things back, and putting people first. he asks to court her. max hesitates, reminding him of her father. her relationship with whom is still a new discovery after all. he is willing to wait, he says.

deib vows to give max the best version of himself, after admitting that her presence in his life has challenged him to be better. his courage isn't lost on max, but she asks for the real deib. he gives her what she asks of him and brings her to the hospital, to meet his brother. after the light and fun introductory small talk (which is kind of sad - to talk to someone unconscious, like he is alive, almost willing him back to life) deib tells max the truth of the tragedy that is haunting him. he tells her of a heartbreak, twice over, caused by one woman, and the drunken night because of it. he tells her of his brother doing what brothers do, coming to get him. he tells her of the carnapping incident and the gunshot that left his older brother in such a state. this is him, he says, the boy who has earned the ire of their mother, who is paying for his since through his suffering. this was told all in flashbacks, in which donny's performance positively surprised. deib tells her of the day on the roads of mindoro, he was on their way to chase the carnapping culprit. they didn't find what he was looking for, instead he found her.

max listens, her eyes soften with compassion. she offers words to absolve deib of his self imposed guilt. it's not his fault, she says, for him to hear. he knows this logically, but hearing the girl special to him say those words made the truth of it somehow believable. he is holding on to her like he is holdout on for dear life, holding on to possibility.

the aftermath of the first date finds a clingy deib, missing max enough that the girl needs some sense to hold on to, some anchoring of a grandmother.

she calls her, calling for a friend, she says, that is really her.

'tapangan niya ang sarili niya at magmahal muli. kung yan ang tamang pag-ibig, pag-iingatan nila ng mahal niya ang magagandang bagay sa buhay nila. hindi na nila uulitin ang mga pagkakamali noon...piliin mong maging matapang at magmahal muli. at maniwala ka ibabalik yang pagmamahal sa'yo. at maniwala kang dahil sa pagmamahal, maayos ang buhay mo.'

the most beautiful, grounding quality of this love story is its wide eyed take on love. max and deib are living in an imperfect world, being dealt with imperfect, tragic circumstances, yet bravery is lauded, courage is encouraged. and respect, as demanded by max's dad is earned. and it's something deib understands.

perfect could only last so long, in this real world romance, as the past comes back in the form a lollipop sucking supermodel of woman. confident in who she is, ready to stake her claim on her friends, her old life, and marking her territory, ready to fight for the first love she left behind.

reality check.

[kindredconfectionery]

This is the conversation that John managed through his jury-rigged ritual summoning-prayer to his brother. With @judgenexecutioner​.

Set Tuesday 05 December 2017

[12:19 PM] kindredconfectionery: > You didn't find anything referencing summoning your brother. You found some strange references to prayer and something that sounds like his judge position. You decide to perform a mish mash of the two and see what happens. You make a single circle with sigils of focus, protection, binding and that pesky piercing the veil one. Additionally, you put down the oldest representative symbol for him and yours to match. This is mostly done with paint, but you throw a bit of your blood in as a power up. You take a seat near the center of the circle, meditating to focus before you begin. The chant is cobbled together from summonings and prayers and translated into your first language, seeking your brother to come if he may in whatever form he is able. You don't know if you truly believe this will work, but you miss him enough to try and find out.

[12:30 PM] judgenexecutioner: > You're exhausted, but even if your Heavenly Father is gone, that doesn't mean that you can shirk off on your duties, even if it means taking up someone else's duties in their absence. You take pride in your work, in not making the souls of the departed wait too long to travel go their next destination in their existence. Still, you must truly be exhausted, because it takes you a while to notice that you are being prayed to. It probably doesn't help that it's been ages since anyone has invoked your name in prayer. You've almost forgotten how to respond, because even when prayer to you was more common, you rarely answered them directly. But the pull of this call tugs achingly familiar. You settle in quiet on Paradise and reach back through this new connection. How in blue blazes did you figure out how to do this, brother mine?

[12:55 PM] kindredconfectionery: > You feel a vibration along... something. You're not sure what at first, and when a golden glow seems to flare up around you, you crack an eyelid open briefly to verify it. Well, that's something. But is it good? You get the answer moments later when you get an answer from your brother. You shriek his name internally before calming yourself enough to form words at him again. i made a summoning circle, bled in it and used a few obscure references to contacting the sorter of souls to intercede on someone's behalf that i found in old books.

[12:58 PM] judgenexecutioner: > The shriek reverberates in your head, it's an odd combination of your modern name and a soft echo of your true name. You shiver off the odd feeling, grinning at the obvious excitement coming from the other end of this bond. John. I'm so glad to hear from you. But i take of you don't actually want to intercede on behalf of a departed soul? > There's obvious amusement in your tone.

[1:29 PM] kindredconfectionery: > You think a huff in his direction. He's laughing at you. i don't even know of anyone who died recently, so no. i got tired of missing you, and frustrated because i couldn't even pass a simple hi through miss bella with any certainty it would reach you. so i went research diving and cobbled this together and hoped it wouldn't stab me in the anywhere.

[1:45 PM] judgenexecutioner: I've missed you, too. You have no idea! Maybe you do... I have not seen hide nor hair of ms. bella in an age! Her absence has been keeping me right busy... Still, i cannot believe you found this old, dusty prayer!

[2:23 PM] kindredconfectionery: i wanted to believe it, but i didn't know. > There's a warm sense of relief coming from you. so much has been going on keeping me busy with everything. i finally told them all to shove off for a bit after the last thing went awry. i can't believe it even exists. i guess i just got lucky.

[2:31 PM] judgenexecutioner: I keep telling myself that if i just do another batch, i can take a break and visit you. But it's not as easy as souls being brought to me for judgement. I have to go to seek them out, and i cannot, in all good conscience, leave the souls of the departed lingering after their deaths for so long. > You can feel his relief and you answer with all the love you can muster. The who what now? What are you saying?

[2:49 PM] kindredconfectionery: it's all right. i understand. it's important you take care of them. i'm still not going anywhere. or not anywhere far anyway. > You let the feeling wash over you, soaking it up like it's the last time it'll happen. You don't feel that way, but you needed it that much. the family. some friends. mostly the family. i'm not sorry i want a little time to myself after having a chunk ripped out of my middle because i let them talk me into their bad idea.

[2:52 PM] judgenexecutioner: It's important that i spend time with you, too... > Your voice is a little sulky, but you know you have no one to blame but yourself. Wait... WHAT?! > And now it was time for your own... voice to echo loudly on his end. Who ripped a chunk out of your middle?!

[3:47 PM] kindredconfectionery: stop pouting, baby brother. the last few months have been a crazy mess anyway. > You wince. Now you feel a bit bad about your original shriek. john's husband. i was better in like an hour or two.

[3:51 PM] judgenexecutioner: Don't tell me what to do, big brother. > Your tone is light and teasing again. And then it's not. Your little demon strumpet? He had a husband? You were his bit on the side?! Did you know about this? And at least the asshole who hurt you is dead.

[3:57 PM] kindredconfectionery: you really want to have a row about demon strumpets right now? we weren't together like that. and john is an incubus. i'm sure he has plenty of bits on the side. of course i knew he was the consort to his lust. which means he's far from dead.

[4:01 PM] judgenexecutioner: It's not a row! It's what it is. It's what he is. Because he's not more than that. I suppose you have a point about John's nature. I'm sure you're quite a fine feed for him. Wait... the consort of the Lust? The ruler of his sin? And... and what? He sought out retribution?

[4:13 PM] kindredconfectionery: it sure sounds like one. he's a good person, but you don't have to like him any more than me with dirk. > You want to snap at Jake, to tell him to fuck off, but you manage to get yourself under control, your temper calm again when you answer the rest of what he said. maybe. i'm not sure. it might just have been a test. he hates me, as he's right to, but he didn't come looking for me just to put his tail through my middle.

[4:24 PM] judgenexecutioner: > now you're feeling angry, you hadn't before. Especially that he brought up Dirk. Dirk and i were starting to get close before you returned into my life. He's hardly someone i just wanted to have a bit of fun with, though maybe that's all he wanted from me. And i haven't seen dirk in longer than i've last seen you. because the very thought of my presence filled him with fear. I'm sure he's long since moved on from me. But thank you for the reminder of those lovely memories. A test? To test what? His stupidity?

[4:56 PM] kindredconfectionery: > You feel it, fixing your expression into a smile so wide it's painful. They say that's supposed to help how you feel. It's rubbish, at least this time. john is my friend. just because we're not romantically inclined to one another doesn't mean all i wanted from him was a bit of fun. i am genuinely sorry for you that he disappeared on such a sour note. more like his arrogance. he seems to be under the delusion the Mark won't affect him as much and that it's going to lose power over time, especially now that God is dead.(edited)

[5:02 PM] judgenexecutioner: > It is pure rubbish, because all that feels like is a slim veneer of dishonesty over the whole mess. Maybe i should treat my friends more like you do. He didn't disappear. I'm sure he's still around. All he did wax flatter me and put off plans of ever seeing me again. You don't know that the mark won't kill him. It obviously affects him, but i'm sure john would have told you if he had died. And maybe the mark will weaken with time. Maybe all of existence will slowly unravel. This is all unprecedented...

[5:43 PM] kindredconfectionery: what's that supposed to mean. i haven't seen or heard of him any more than you have, so that counts as disappearing to me. i didn't say he was dead. just not around either of us. he stabbed a hook tailed through my stomach, and it ripped some chunks of flesh with it on the way back out. that repercussion is hardly going to be a fatal wound for someone of that level. maybe it will. i don't know that it won't, but going around trying to say that he'll be completely fine if he annihilates me is ridiculous.

[5:48 PM] judgenexecutioner: Nothing, brother. It doesn't mean anything. I see... > the shrug can be felt through the connection. You don't know that he can't, either. And i'm sure the comment of the curse weakening was him trying to make you doubt the forces you have in your arsenal. Maybe he won't be fine, but maybe he'll survive and  make his way back to fine. He is not from our world and who knows whose rules apply to whom when you mix and match your special armors.

[6:07 PM] kindredconfectionery: that's not the sort of nothing that means nothing, but if you really don't want to talk about it, we don't have to right now. he doesn't make me doubt a single thing. i know it affects him just fine now, so it's his funeral if he wants to try for worse.

[6:44 PM] judgenexecutioner: I don't wish to talk about it, because i don't want you to feel like i want you to change. Anymore than you want me to feel like you want me to change. It was a rude comment that i didn't mean. How about you don't antagonize your friend's husband?

[7:13 PM] kindredconfectionery: you did mean it, but it's all right. i deserve it. > You know you should be better than you are, but it's easier to just keep doing what you've always done than to dwell on being lonely. he started it.

[7:23 PM] judgenexecutioner: We are the way we are. We're both too old to change so quickly, or at all if we do not wish to... > The sigh is a very much audible thing. John...

[7:36 PM] kindredconfectionery: > You could make a thousand excuses for yourself, but all you know right now is that it upsets Jake, and you feel like shit about it. i'm sorry. > You sound very childish when you protest. what? he did. i accidentally summoned john because i didn't know the bullshit name i picked was his true demon name. bro came charging in after him and started in on me.

[7:38 PM] judgenexecutioner: You do not have to be, brother. I've done things that you wished i didn't, too. Like attempting anything with Dirk... > You can't help it, you laugh. You do have the most wretched luck. I bet you whisked John away from right under his husband's very nose. I bet if the situation were reversed, you'd be a might be miffed, too.

[7:52 PM] kindredconfectionery: i'm sorry i brought that up. it was out of line. > You just didn't like the way he was attacking John, so you pulled up the closest thing you could think of to match it, which just so happened to be Dirk. probably. he came in naked. but he also came in demonic, so that might not be related. i'm not saying i wouldn't be miffed if someone managed to summon you while we were in bed together or whatever they were doing, but i understand the concept of a mistake and diplomacy. i'm not sure he does either. or maybe it's just me.

[7:56 PM] judgenexecutioner: It was... but i forgive you. > You don't think it's at all the same. You had cared for Dirk, you still do. You have no doubt your brother cares for his demon alternate, but attempting a relationship and having a friend with benefits is hardly the same thing. You doubt your brother would be pleased if you attempted the same thing with any of your friends. You never were attacking John in the first place. A strumpet to you is a promiscuous person, and that is what the incubus is, even if it's by nature. You honestly think it's a cute name for someone of that nature. And much nicer than what others would use. It probably doesn't help that you two have a history that isn't 100% pleasant.

[8:03 PM] kindredconfectionery: thank you. you have to do that way too often. > The reason you deemed it the closest was because they're both incubi. And you misinterpreted his choice in word, because strumpet has taken on negative connotations which his semi-antiquated vocabulary probably hasn't caught up with. A shame it happened, but at least you worked through it. probably not. that's why i said maybe it's just me. either way, john kept us from trying to actually have a go at one another. and no one else present was hurt, so i'd say it was a success.

[8:10 PM] judgenexecutioner: We're human... are we're still holding on to our human condition regardless of what we are. We make mistakes and hope that we'll be forgiven for them. > Apparently there's still plenty of misunderstanding there, but you're both moved passed it. John sounds like a nice bloke. I'm glad it wasn't worse than it was.

[8:12 PM] kindredconfectionery: i still don't know how to make small ones. > You chuckle, the amusement tricking over. At least they're mostly not catastrophic as they used to be. he is. i really think you'd like him if you got to meet him. he's a good kid.

[8:15 PM] judgenexecutioner: > You snicker softly yourself. You do like to show off in all things that you do. Maybe i will someday

[8:24 PM] kindredconfectionery: hey, what's the point of having cool powers if you don't use them? > Even if one of your powers is hecking up spectacularly. maybe. so have you been or done anything interesting on your great soul round up?

[8:26 PM] judgenexecutioner: You mean like my power to come back from the dead no matter what happens to me or how poorly i take care of myself? > Now you're just not being fair. I found a lost soul and had to exorcise it. That was... interesting. But mostly it has been tedious work. You?

[8:37 PM] kindredconfectionery: jake... > He's not. But you don't complain more than the way you said his name. sounds interesting. i picked up a couple new additions to the family, neither entirely by choice. we've been trying to figure them both out. i've made friends with a lot of people who are bad at taking care of themselves. a few have even stayed with me for a while, but not for long. oh! and i fought the legion of another world. not john's world. another other world.

[8:40 PM] judgenexecutioner: Yes, big brother? > Look at you being a shit with your way too innocent tone. Now that sounds like a very interesting time! And you continue to grow your family of little misfits. I don't mean that as an insult, either. You just... like taking care of others... Wait... what? Brother, are you actually trying to kill yourself?!

[8:44 PM] kindredconfectionery: i am rolling my eyes at you, you little shit. > He's terrible. You love him. i do. i prefer they don't get sent to me though. why did you say it like that? with all the hesitation? no. i was tired of them messing with me and threatening a good friend. it didn't end up amounting to much, since we got stopped by a virtue that destroyed their central park.

[8:50 PM] judgenexecutioner: Yes, i can feel the force of it all the way over here. It is nostalgic. > You hum a bit. Sent to you? Who sent them to you? I  hesitated, because it just reminded me of when we were truly young and i would bring home all sorts of lost beasts to care for. I thought of bringing up the comparison, but then realized you might not like it. Comparing your kindred and family to the wild beasts i'd bring home to take care of and raise. .... That's still so very dangerous!

[9:09 PM] kindredconfectionery: an... old friend. ex-friend. was going by the name of violet the last i knew her, but i'm sure she's changed it more than once since then. the other was sent by angel u.p.s. no, it's fine. i know what you mean. they were like your little family at the time. and i'm still so very fine! i didn't even get seriously injured from it either.

[9:11 PM] judgenexecutioner: An ex-friend... and why would she send someone to you? Are  you worried it might all be subterfuge? ... Angel u.p.s.? What? Are you taking care of an angel? I'm glad, they meant a lot to me, and I know your family means a lot to you. Fine, but you can't complain now if and when i do anything reckless.

[9:18 PM] kindredconfectionery: more like an ex-wife, okay? but we had a very nasty falling out that was my fault. i'm not worried it's subterfuge unless she's managed to figure out a way to use a forcibly turned, mute teenage girl with severe ptsd against me. not that i'm aware. it appears to just be a human infant sent to me from paradise. i'm having cecilia tend to him for now until he's old enough for me to not screw up taking care of him. i can do anything i like. because you're not going to stop fretting about me either.

[9:21 PM] judgenexecutioner: Oh... I... I  can't say that i understand  it. Why she did it, what it means, why she hurt this girl and then sent her to you. But i would be wary, big brother. ... A human infant... Why would they send you a human infant? I haven't heard anything of this when i visit paradise. And yet i am letting the subject drop now.

[9:26 PM] kindredconfectionery: that's what we're trying to figure out. for both of them, honestly. she hurt her to let me know she hasn't forgotten. what i don't know is why this girl. violet's not stupid. she means something somehow. i just don't know how. and we're very wary. i don't know. there wasn't a return address on the package, and casey said the delivery angel was less than helpful. the only thing i have on him is a couple of people have noted he looks a bit like me. but what can you really tell at three months of age? deal.

[9:29 PM] judgenexecutioner: What is it that she's reminding you of with this girl? What has not been forgotten? I thought my life before reuniting with you was perilous, but there have been no attempts on my life by bitter clans. Unless there have been and you're taking care of it without my knowledge. ... He looks like you? Do you think he looks like you? Unfortunately, you are the elder brother, so i cannot say i would be able to pinpoint it for sure if i were to see this child.

[9:42 PM] kindredconfectionery: i murdered someone very close to her. someone who was like a little brother to her. because i thought... i thought he'd killed you. he didn't. but i didn't find that out until later. i didn't care. i just attacked. i'm glad you're all right. i don't know if he does or not. he's darker than me with black hair and blue eyes. it doesn't exactly scream identical twins. and for the record, i was like a year and a half or so when you were born, so i wouldn't know what you looked like either. which by the way, happy birthday. ish. it's somewhere around this time of year. i know that much.

[9:45 PM] judgenexecutioner: .... There's a chance he might have. You know... my inability to stay dead. But... chances are just as well that he didn't. So... all this time later, she sends this girl to you... to send a message, but you're not sure what. I am fine, i promise you. Darker than you are now? Or darker than you were then? That i might be able to answer for you. ... Huh, by gum, you're right! Thank you.

[10:03 PM] kindredconfectionery: no. he didn't. i know because i saw the body later. it was still pretty dead and definitely not you. it's most likely a warning. i'm good at going underground. hiding. as i'm sure you well know. but i've gotten complacent, easy enough to find. it's the girl that's bugging me. yes, they dolled her up to look like my quote-unquote type, but why her? why not take someone who already looked that way? she's important too. but i don't even know who she is. i'm sorry. now i'm ranting... darker than i am now. not as dark as i used to be, i don't think. i know i'm right. i never forgot. you're welcome!

[10:07 PM] judgenexecutioner: Oh, i see.That's... unfortunate... And yes, i know all too well how good you are at hide and seek. Unfortunately, you were mainly hiding from me, and since you stopped doing that, i'm not surprised others have found you. You're type? What is your type, brother dear? Did this formerly Violet make this poor girl look like she once did? No, it's alright. If it helps you think, rant away. Darker than me? You are a ridiculous man.

[10:15 PM] kindredconfectionery: i'm not either, and it's my own stupid fault for it, because i'm not the one in the most danger. green eyes. black hair. kind of tan. in that order. kind and cheerful. so... you, basically. you're my type. violet looks nothing like that. she isn't much like that either. never was. darker than you. how does that make me ridiculous?

[10:19 PM] judgenexecutioner: Who is? Oh... i... >  You wonder if he can feel that you're blushing. But something drew you to her. You wouldn't marry someone just for the sake of relieving loneliness, would you? Hmm... that's interesting. But clearly paradise wanted to give you a child that looked like they could be biologically yours. Have you had them tested? In the same way it makes me ridiculous. Remembering such at thing for someone who you had not seen for the vast majority of your lifetime.

[10:29 PM] kindredconfectionery: anyone and everyone in my family. > You can and it makes you laugh. Jake is adorable. having a type doesn't mean no one else will do. she was tough and smart and isolated, and i was alone, on the run and needed help. she didn't turn me away or try very hard to kill me even after i told her i'd been stalking her for a while and liked her. it sort of took off from there. great. how about they try asking next time, so i can tell them to let it bake a little while longer if they absolutely think i should have one. tested how? he seems perfectly healthy to all of us. it's not ridiculous when they were the most important person in your life.

[10:32 PM] judgenexecutioner: > He's laughing at you.  You huff. Yes, i suppose that does make sense. > Like his brother being his type, but he had had various different crushes over the years. Nothing that sounded as sad as what John just described, though. Paradise usually doesn't ask when they give you gifts. And i mean a blood test. Though now i wonder if you can be given blood tests, given your nature and your condition.

[10:41 PM] kindredconfectionery: > That just makes you laugh more. You can't help it. they can kindly fuck off then. you mean like a dna test? that never even occurred to me. hmm. i'll have to ask and see if anyone knows about that, because i sure don't.

[10:43 PM] judgenexecutioner: Stop that,  you lout! Don't say it like that, brother. Didn't you want a family? I know you have one, but this is just one more. One more that could possibly carry your blood. Yes, that is a thing humans have had for a little while now. If you can't do it, perhaps i can offer my services. Since i can have blood drawn and i am your brother, our dna should be similar enough to find a genetic relation.

[5:51 AM] kindredconfectionery: > You try to stop laughing, but you can't quite manage it right away, even managing to slip a 'make me' into it before you can calm down enough to talk again. at one point, yes i could have wanted this. but that was a very long time ago. blood isn't that important to me anymore. he says, realizing the extreme irony of the claim. i'm aware of that. thank you very much. i think we would have the same problem with the testing if any were to arise at that stage. the awkward phase would be if they tried to take it from me, and i don't think most places let you just send in your own blood willy nilly.

[7:53 AM] judgenexecutioner: I will if i have to! > You're probably not helping at all in stopping his laughter. so if you found out he was your son, it wouldn't mean anymore to you than if he was just one of your kindred? Perhaps i have the idea all wrong, but i also thought they could extract dna from things like saliva? Also, i'm sure with your vast amounts of unnecessary wealth, you could pay someone not to care if you sent your own blood willy nilly.

[8:04 AM] kindredconfectionery: > Not really. no. why should it? hey, you were the one who said blood test. i was just going down that road specific like. while you make reasonable points, i'm not finding it that important to prove people wrong. i don't know how often you've been around infants, but people always look for features in the baby to match up to what they want to see, and so far there's really only the one thing versus me, which is a pretty weak argument. black hair is literally everywhere. if you still want to do it that badly though, i'll pay for it for you, but i'm not bothering.

[8:37 AM] judgenexecutioner: I'm not sure. It matters to some people. > Like maybe you, a little bit. You're right, but i didn't remember right away that dna could be extracted from most places, even skin cells, i think. And why would you do if to prove people wrong? Are you saying you hope it isn't true? That you want to prove them wrong? I... is it so bad that i wish to know if i have a nephew?

[8:48 AM] kindredconfectionery: it doesn't to me. > You wouldn't necessarily judge him for feeling that way, but you're not going to prioritize some random kid over the rest of your 'children’ who make up your family just because he shares your blood. maybe i am saying i don't want it to be true. it's not bad for you to want to know, but why are you wishing for something for me you told me you didn't want for you?(edited)

[8:53 AM] judgenexecutioner: > You instantly feel bad for this small child. It was one thing to say that you didn't want to make them more important than your family of choice, and another to say you hoped it wasn't yours at all. Because i remember when it was important to you. > But then, it had been just as important to you back then, too. And gifts from Paradise are never chosen at random, even if they seem that way. For all we know, they have decided that the next savior for humanity should be left in your care.

[9:58 AM] kindredconfectionery: pot, kettle, and have a mirror just for good measure. > You aren't going down nostalgia lane without a fight. now that is the most inadvisable thing i've heard in ages. why?

[10:00 AM] judgenexecutioner: Alright, fine. Be a stubborn, old goat! > You honestly don't blame him. I don't know, big brother. I know less about this than you do. But i'd still like to meet my potential nephew.

[10:46 AM] kindredconfectionery: baaaaaa you're welcome to see him anytime you like. i would go get him now, but three months is not a particularly pious or intelligible age, so i don't think it would be worth the effort.(edited)

[10:55 AM] judgenexecutioner: ... Are you really saying that you're not spending time with him because he's not smart enough?

[11:09 AM] kindredconfectionery: oh my god. no, jake. i'm saying i'm not going to put him on this call or whatever it is. > You're clearly laughing again.

[11:20 AM] judgenexecutioner: Oh! That's... not usually how this works, anyway. I'll try to make some time to visit soon.

[11:25 AM] kindredconfectionery: i have no idea how this usually works. i'm just too stubborn to be thwarted by your schedule and a lack of wings. whenever you do you're always welcome, even if you don't forewarn us. and we can discuss the test thing again once you've seen him for yourself.

[11:29 AM] judgenexecutioner: That does sound very much like you, big brother. I'm glad to hear from you. And to know that if you ever want to talk now, no amount of distance can stop you. I don't even know where you're staying right now, much less where you're keeping little... did you say moro?

[11:30 AM] kindredconfectionery: damn straight. i'm at the manor. like i was when you left. he's here too, under cecilia's care.

[11:40 AM] judgenexecutioner: Alright. How does tomorrow sound?

[11:47 AM] kindredconfectionery: it sounds great. why did you think i might be elsewhere?

[11:50 AM] judgenexecutioner: Because you travel sometime, that's all.

[11:51 AM] kindredconfectionery: all right. that's fair.

[11:54 AM] judgenexecutioner: You were once known as the wanderer, after all.

[12:03 PM] kindredconfectionery: that wasn't a choice, you know.

[12:04 PM] judgenexecutioner: I know... bit old habits died hard, and you admitted to feeling on edge over a vague threat from an old lover. I would blame you if you felt like wandering after that.

[12:11 PM] kindredconfectionery: of course i'm on edge from that. who wouldn't be? wandering is the last thing i want to do after that though. that's what i was trying to do when i found streak. if she sent her message when i was alone, i'm not taking the chance something worse will happen if i leave again.

[1:53 PM] judgenexecutioner: Like something to your family? Is her name really streak?

[2:11 PM] kindredconfectionery: yes. that's the next logical step. no, but i don't know what it is, and she's never said.

[2:12 PM] judgenexecutioner: Oh, i see. And she's never attempted to write it out or anything?

[2:13 PM] kindredconfectionery: nope. i don't know exactly why. she might not even know it anymore.

[2:14 PM] judgenexecutioner: The poor dear... I almost wrote down door. I might be getting a little distracted.

[2:16 PM] kindredconfectionery: if you need to go, it's all right.

[2:17 PM] judgenexecutioner: But i want to talk to you.

[2:28 PM] kindredconfectionery: i don't know what you have to do, but i'll be around. all doors will remain closed with me inside them.

[2:28 PM] judgenexecutioner: Shouldn't the door remain open if we want to keep a line of communication?

[2:31 PM] kindredconfectionery: but if we leave the door open, i might wander away. the skylight is what stays open.

[2:32 PM] judgenexecutioner: .... What?

[2:51 PM] kindredconfectionery: the doors exist in my house. the skylight is a metaphor for this connection. it made more sense before i sent it to you.

[2:52 PM] judgenexecutioner: ... I'm sure it did, big brother. I'm sure it did.

[3:07 PM] kindredconfectionery: shush. but that brings up an interesting question. can you do this in reverse?

[3:07 PM] judgenexecutioner: Can i reach out to you?

[3:12 PM] kindredconfectionery: yes.

[3:14 PM] judgenexecutioner: No, that's not how this works, either, i'm afraid.

[3:19 PM] kindredconfectionery: i thought not, but it seemed worth asking.

[3:20 PM] judgenexecutioner: I'm sorry. If it had been a method, i would have used it long before now. Possibly. It's been so long, I honestly forgot about it

[3:52 PM] kindredconfectionery: it's not your fault. i'm not an extradimensional supernatural being. there wouldn't be any functional rituals for me, forgotten or otherwise.

[3:55 PM] judgenexecutioner: But if i had remembered mine, i could have told you about it sooner.

[4:03 PM] kindredconfectionery: don't fret about it. really. if it's as old and disued as we both think, then i'm not surprised you forgot and can hardly be upset by that.

[4:04 PM] judgenexecutioner: I suppose your right. Though dang it all of that does shit all to make me want to kick myself right now.

[4:14 PM] kindredconfectionery: no kicking yourself. i forbid it.

[4:16 PM] judgenexecutioner: Well now i just have to do it.

[4:17 PM] kindredconfectionery: or you could listen to the wisdom of your big brother and not do it.

[4:20 PM] judgenexecutioner: Pffff!

[4:27 PM] kindredconfectionery: wow. how rude.

[4:27 PM] judgenexecutioner: That is i. A simple and rude little ranch hand.

[4:30 PM] kindredconfectionery: at least you're cute.

[5:19 PM] judgenexecutioner: good genes.

[5:27 PM] kindredconfectionery: they were the best ones available.

[5:28 PM] judgenexecutioner: Snrk! Not that you would be biased on the matter or anything.

[5:43 PM] kindredconfectionery: me? biased? about your parents? never!

[6:00 PM] judgenexecutioner: That's what i thought. Alright, if i want to be available to visit you tomorrow, then i should get down to work right now.

[6:01 PM] kindredconfectionery: all right. go ahead and get your keister back to what it's supposed to be doing instead of goofing off with me then.

[6:03 PM] judgenexecutioner: For the record, my keister misses you, too. *double pistols and a wink*

[6:03 PM] kindredconfectionery: oh my god. shoo already!

[6:07 PM] judgenexecutioner: Oh fine.

[6:08 PM] kindredconfectionery: good boy. i love you. i'll see you tomorrow, hopefully.

[6:14 PM] judgenexecutioner: I love you, too. I'll see you tomorrow!