ladystarlight-blog

[ladystarlight-blog]

There’s an aching in my heart

and words in my head

and they demand

I write.

[ladystarlight-blog]

There’s a deep ache within me

a loneliness that

refuses to be forgotten.

Sometimes I see a post online

and your name

springs into my mind.

I don’t know if it is

the love

the trauma

or the tragedy

that keeps putting it there

but I really wish it would stop.

Some things are better left forgotten.

[ladystarlight-blog]

I can’t stand my own thoughts

ever since you went away.

It left a chasm in my heart

where no one will stay.

I just can’t believe that you’re gone

and I’m still here today.

I fill my life with distractions

just letting the music play

in hopes of forgetting

my mind’s own dismay

just trying to remember

how to see more than grey.

[ladystarlight-blog]

Black Ink

Black ink smeared across the pristine page.

My thoughts, spilling everywhere.

When can they go?

Never, I whisper. Mine, forever.

The world doesn’t deserve your beauty.

It doesn’t deserve to see my pain.

Black ink, smeared, soft echoes

of the darkness, hiding in the crevices

in my mind.

When can it go?

Always, I whisper. Ours, forever.

The world needs our beauty.

They need to see they aren’t alone in their pain.

[ladystarlight-blog]

Summer Afternoon

Dancing sun rays

Casting rainbows across the floor.

Small whiskers snoozing quietly

Taking in the warmth

And gentle breeze.

Friendly birdsong

Floats through the window,

Curtains softly swaying.

Leaves rustle,

Filling in the quiet.

Tiny paws stretch,

Stirring from their afternoon slumber.

Sleepy eyes gaze across the field of carpet,

Taking in every calming colors

Painted in light on the walls.

A blink,

Then two,

A little stretch and yawn,

And back to the world of dreams

The tiny kitten goes.

[ladystarlight-blog]

When the Clouds Break

Once in a while,

the sun breaks through the clouds in my mind,

and I have a good day.

Once in a while,

I feel truly happy.

I’m not afraid,

I’m not sad,

I’m simply

truly

okay.

I know that the clouds will return

and it will be stormy for a while,

but when it’s not,

I like to forget

and let myself actually live for a while.

[ladystarlight-blog]

There isn't anything more painful

than waking up and remembering

you're gone, and I can't tell you

good morning anymore.

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Just How Mom Used to Make it

Most days, I don’t give a second thought

to the family I left behind to pursue my dreams,

as each child eventually must.

But certain things I love to make

I hate to eat,

because I use her recipes and it always turns out

just how mom used to make it.

And though I love the taste,

I hate the memories of home 

that flood in with every bite

and suddenly I’m crying at the dinner table

mascara running down my face

in the middle of a summer evening

because suddenly,

I’m terribly, terribly homesick,

all because the food I love

is just how mom used to make it.

[ladystarlight-blog]

Missing You

You're gone.

You're gone, and I can't believe it.

You were talking and smiling,

then you got sick,

and now you're gone.

.

I miss you,

but now you'll never know.

I'll never hear your voice,

never see your smile

I'll never call you,

never tell you all about my day.

I'll never make you laugh,

never hear your jokes.

We'll never do a lot of things,

because you're not here to do them, too.

.

You're gone,

and I miss you.

[ladystarlight-blog]

The Room of Imagination

  Maria had always been lonely. Her mother always worked, her babysitter sat on the couch watching tv or sleeping. She never went to school before, she was too young. For all of the almost six years of her life, she had always been lonely, it was part of her life. Her hair was like her mom's, brown with honey streaks. Her eyes were green, unlike the sky blue ones her mother had. She wore a purple tee shirt and blue shorts all the time, the only kinds of clothes her mother could afford. She had exactly four pairs of socks, all of them dirty. Her pajamas had seen better days, a simple nightgown that was pink with a picture of a dog on the front. Every week, Maria would ask for a puppy before her mom went out to work. Every week Maria's mom said, "No, honey, we just don't have the money. You know that."

     This week, Maria asked the morning of her birthday. Maria got the usual answer. Maria didn't get wished happy birthday from her baby sitter, who fell asleep on the couch watching the old box tv again. Maria turned the tv off, tired of hearing the white noise it made every time it lost connection to the news station. She was tired of being forgotten, of being lonely. If only something would come and change it! She cried quietly in her room with sorrow. Her mother was at work on her birthday, and her babysitter was sleeping again. She went to her single dusty, cracked window in her bedroom and looked at the sky. "Please," she whispered, "Make today special."

     The entire day, Maria spent by herself in the apartment, with every inch of the place sighing with loneliness. Maria played with some paper dolls she made with the construction paper and crayons she had got for her birthday last year. She threw a paper doll birthday party, even making a paper cake with birthday candles on it. Maria wished so hard it could be real, that one day, she could have a birthday party, and her mom wouldn't have to go to work all the time, that she had friends who cared for her, and never let her be lonely. The thought only made her sad again.

     When Maria's mom got home that day, she burst through the door and shouted, "Happy birthday, Maria!" She was holding a box in one hand, and a smaller box in the other.

     "Mommy!" Maria squealed, "You didn't forget!"

     "Why, how could I ever forget my precious little girl's birthday?" Maria's mother cooed, setting the boxes she held down on the folding table. "Where you good while I was gone?"

     "Yes, Mommy," Maria answered, "except my baby sitter slept all day." Maria pointed to the woman still sleeping on the couch.

     "Poor lady gets no sleep at night. She has five kids at home," Maria's mom said, and Maria nodded all serious like, as if she understood, even though she didn't understand why having five kids had anything to do with sleeping.

     "Can I open my present?" Maria asked, jumping up and down.

     "Maria!" her mother scolded, "You know you aren't supposed to jump. Mr. Stanly complains that spiders fall on him every time you do."

     "Sorry Mommy," Maria said, "But can I?"

     "Tut tut! Presents come after cake, and cake can only be eaten by good little girls who eat their dinners first!" Maria's mom said before pulling two microwave dinners from the old, dirty ice box. She put them in the microwave, an ancient thing that could have been put in a museum, in Maria's opinion. After they were done, Maria stuck a mouthful of mashed potatoes in her mouth, only to swallow them quick, because they burnt her tongue. She didn't care, though, and wolfed down her meal. The small box held two chocolate cupcakes, Maria's favorite. Maria made the wish that her mom would somehow get a bunch of money, so she could quit her job and never work again, then blew out the candle shaped like a six.

     The cupcake was delicious, but soon came time for her to open her present. Maria sat excited in the middle of the tiny living room floor with the box in front of her. The babysitting lady had brought over her ten year old to watch. The other girl's name was unknown to Maria, even though she had seen the girl before. Maria carefully pulled off the baby pink wrapping paper, folding it into a neat little square and setting it aside. Next, the tape had to be pulled off the box, and each flap pulled back. Maria's eyes grew wide and she gasped in joy. "A puppy!" she said breathlessly.

     "Oh, it's just stuffed," the ten year old said, looking to see.

     "Yes, and she's wonderful," Maria exclaimed.

     "I thought you'd like her. I figured since we can't afford a real one, I'd get you a toy puppy," Maria's mother explained.

     "Thank you so much!" Maria hugged her mom around the middle and also hugged the other girl and her baby sitter, just to be polite.

     Once Maria was in her room alone the next day, she held the puppy out at arm's length to look at it better. It's fur was milk chocolate brown, it's eyes like caramel. It's face was cute and sweet. Around it's neck was a fabric collar, a pink one. "Hello, Rose," Maria said, deciding the stuffed animal's name. On the collar was a metal ring that once held a name tag, but didn't anymore. After some searching, Maria found a rose quartz pendant from a necklace she found at the park once. "Now you look like a proper puppy," Maria put it on the collar, "Puppies don't have tag less collars."

     Maria sang a little song as it came to mind while she spun in circles around her room;

'Round and round I go

Dreaming of a place to be

Where toys can run and play with me

Where the sky is always blue and clear

Where the sun always shines

A place to have fun

Where imagination is the key'

     Suddenly, the door to Maria's closet glowed, illuminating the bedroom. She jumped back in fright, staring at the closet door and clutching the dog to her chest. The door slid open to show, instead of her dusty closet, a room. She tentatively stepped through the frame and gasped. The room had sky blue walls and carpet as green as grass, and soft as the softest blanket. The far wall had a single toy shelf, like the ones she saw through the window at the toy store on the rare occasions her mother took her shopping. On the carpet was a large rug, a rich brown like chocolate icing and golden threads like the silken decorations on fancy cakes. Maria walked slowly across the room marveling at it all. The carpet under her feet, the air so fresh and beautiful smelling, even the color of the walls made her stare on wonder. Placing the stuffed dog on the rug, Maria went over to feel the shelf. It was cool to the touch, smelled of a forest after rain, and was smooth like the counters at the babysitter's house.

     Maria heard a bark. "How could that be?" She wondered. A tug on her sock. Maria looked down, and to her amazement, a live puppy sat at her feet, wagging it's tail. Maria looked at the rug and saw no stuffed dog, but the golden threads were glowing softly.

     "The rug brought my puppy to life!" Maria was beside herself with joy. She pet the creature, which was even warm like a living being, letting it lick her face. Maria filled the room with her laughter and the barks of the dog echoed off the walls.

     After Maria calmed down, she said out loud, "If only I had a ball to throw." To her surprise, the rug glowed and up from it flew a ball, which the dog jumped after. Maria chased after it, and after a few minutes, they had the ball and truly looked at it. It was a tennis ball, perfect for throwing. Maria threw it again.

     After a few hours, the room was filled with toys playing and laughing with Maria and the bedroom framed like an image in the doorway was dark. Her mom's voice flittered into the room. "Maria? I'm home!" The toys leaped onto the shelf, and the dog into Maria's arm's and became motionless, no longer alive. She glanced back at the room on her way out, and closed the door as her mother came in. "How was your day?"

     "Wonderful, mama, just wonderful." Maria responded.

     That fall, Maria started school. She visited the room often, though their living conditions improved. As she went to middle school then high school, her mother had more time, and spent more time with her. Then everything changed when her mom came home with her boyfriend and the announcement of a sister. Her life from then on was just like her childhood, just in a nicer home. Everything new was for the baby, even after the thing was born. All the attention went to the baby. Everything was about the baby, the baby, the baby.

     Four years later, Maria sat in her room with the stuffed dog in her arms. She pet it sorrowfully. She was overshadowed by someone she was supposed to love. She was fifteen, Maria thought she had to have changed from her childhood.

      The thing she was jealous of walked in. "Sissy, do you think mama will let us get a puppy?" Daisy asked.

     "I gave up asking a long time ago," Maria replied, sighing. She couldn't help but look in Daisy's eyes, and loving her. They were related, and they even both had the same dream, to own a puppy. She gave up on it all, the fantasy that she could hate someone so closely related to her.

     That evening, Daisy began doing exactly what Maria had done in her childhood, asked for a puppy every week. She brought Daisy into her room after dinner and presented the dog to her. "Watch," Maria instructed, then opened the door to the secret she had kept so long. Daisy was just as amazed as Maria had been her first time.

     This continued for another month, and Maria grew closer to Daisy than she had ever been with her mom. She laid in her bed one evening, without the dog. It was clutched in the arms of Daisy, sleeping across the hall. Maria was happy, and for the first time, truly content. She finally had the friend she had wished for that sixth birthday so long ago.

[ladystarlight-blog]

Gone

It hurts every time I hear 

the ringing stop and

the voice mail recording begins.

The ache in my chest 

feels like a hole,

a gaping emptiness where you once stood.

I feel broken,

lonely.

Oh, so alone. 

You were my only friend 

and now?

You’re gone.

You vanished out of my life 

like a phantom,

leaving nothing but silence and 

my own questioning pain.

I bandage the place it aches,

letting music echo through,

trying to stitch the broken pieces back together

that you left behind.

I love you,

but I never told you 

unless you said it first.

We may not have been related by blood,

but we were still inseparable,

or so I thought.

Turns out the only thing it took

was you deciding I don’t fit into the picture of your life.

I miss you,

my best friend,

who never knew.

I really do.

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Indecision

I wish you would make up your mind.

Leave me, or don’t.

I feel like a yo-yo,

back and forth,

back and forth.

I can’t stand these long silences between us anymore.

But when I go to give up and move on,

it’s like you can see across all these miles that separate us,

and you find some way to confirm your continued existence to me.

You pull me back in,

and leave me hanging.

Back and forth,

Back and forth.

It’s not fair that you put in just enough to get me addicted,

then play this game of 

how long can I remain silent?

We used to talk every day,

Now I’m lucky if I get an hour out of the week.

Silence filled the space you used to be

a long time ago,

yet I can’t break this spiraling pattern.

Back and forth,

Back and forth.

[ladystarlight-blog]

Missing

I miss you.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your voice.

I miss the late-night phone calls and talking until one of us falls asleep.

I miss seeing you everyday.

I miss hugging you everyday.

I miss the road trips and laughing in the back seat so hard everyone looks at us.

I miss hearing you.

I miss seeing you.

I miss being with you.

I miss you.

[ladystarlight-blog]

A Little Longer

The cold bites at my skin,

pale pink touching

my fingers, my face.

My heart aches for warmth.

The sweet nectar of spring flowers

just might do the trick

to make the gentle soothing

of my favorite tea

last a little longer,

just a little,

until I find people,

just like me

so we can share the warmth we have left

and finally be free.

[ladystarlight-blog]

what you said was very sweet and means a lot to me but i am incapable of properly responding in any way besides “thank you so much aaaah” because i do not know how to accurately express the exact level of my gratitude to where you completely understand how much what you said meant to me without me getting even more emotional and looking like a fucking nerd: an autobiography

[ladystarlight-blog]

Why I Like Flying at Night

There's something magical

about looking at the window

seeing the world all dark

and realizing that it actually isn't.

Like a dream,

realizing that

you are among the stars.

They glisten

in time with the hum filling the air

and hushed sound of sleeping.

Yes,

there is something magical

about being that much closer

to the universe.

[ladystarlight-blog]

What They Don't Understand

My heart

was in pieces,

but not anymore.

What they can't understand

is I don't love him anymore.

I don't want to hold another,

or go find someone to love.

I don't want to try again with them

because I already know

all the reasons why it doesn't work.

I want time for me,

time to be myself

and time to love myself

instead of someone else.

I don't want to love another

because I want to spend more time

loving me.