#the mirror was so dirty… but thats not my fault! its my parents!

[justmwahstruly]

alr i have been depriving you guys of stufs so

Molly in my Ren Faire fit!

refs if you want to see >:)

no lookin at my dogs 🫵👁️👁️

i look funky dont i heheheh

[ifuckingloveryoshu]

Thoughts about Lob Corp Ryoshu Uptie

I like the new identity, I did not get her but a friend recorded her uptie story for me. Her uptie story speaks to me and also makes me feel icky (which is very good! You'd think its bad but for me, that just means it was written well. People tend to try and seperate themselves from their negative feelings on the basis that it feels horrible and effects them. I am guily of this several times over. It needs to stew and digest and I should know when I need to step out for a bit.) For that reason, I'm waiting for a day or two, maybe less or more to reblog things relating to this identity. For now though, just mostly unfiltered thoughts (that are probably wrong, ya know? biases and all.) and storing some quotes.

The way Ryoshu challenged the Spiderbud's motherly instincts, oh and unreliable narrator not always being right, that big theme of Hell Screen and other works of Ryunosuke Atagawa such as In The Bamboo Grove. Questioning the love of a mother to her children to their face using your own baises or trying to get a rise out of them, its like its own silent furry. The control over herself Ryoshu has to a creature who's supposed to mirror her in a way is admirable. (Anyone in any profession working with children having to deal with grown adults who act less mature and set on their ways as adults need all the support.) Either Ryoshu was once like the Spiderbud (and maybe thats what her EGOs are suppoed to represent, how Ryoshu used to be) or what Ryoshu was in risk of becoming.

I love too how gently she decides it isn't the little spiderlings fault, its just how their being taught by their mother. They don't have any peers or diffrent mentors in their life other than the Spiderbud. Having external influnces outside parents is important for child development and idependent identity.

More and more when Ryoshu talks about family and things relating to parenting, even if i've never been a parent before, I can't help but project onto her the way she projects onto Spiderbud here. So, my interpretation for now is the reason she's able to weild Penence is that she wants to repent for what happened to Yuzuki in some way. She can understand Spiderbud because she's been there herself, probably being from the Backstreets if Yuzuki was actually her child, and that got her. I find her so darn relatible, hopelessly so.

I forgot what else I wanted to type without airing out my dirty laundry so I'll leave it here for the moment.

[arcadia-writings]

"if you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you," he says, as if that means anything to me. i wish it meant something. i wish i could take it as a lesson to be kind to myself, but i cant. as selfish as it is, i cant.

"then its their fault for standing so close. anybody who stands near a bleeding person is only wishing to bandage the wound and call it healed so they can feel better about themselves, unaware of the blood continuing to flow. if they get dirty, its on them for not doing a good enough job."

"is it them who approached, trying to fix you, or was it you who stood too close, expecting them to?"

"i dont expect anyone to fix me, i— i dont even need fixing in the first place," i say, because he's right. i could defend myself all i want, but it wouldnt change anything. he's right. i want someone to fix me, to bandage these wounds with the care of a parent, or maybe a lover, or just someone who cares. but they never even try. and then i bleed out and die on them and they have the gall to be appalled.

"that tiny, thin bandaid youve put on yourself doesn't hold anything. youve healed a paper cut, when the rest of you is covered in deep gashes. that's no way to live."

i stare at him, horrified that he's seen me. terrified that he knows— understands, even, from the way he talks about it like he's talking to a mirror. is he? am i a broken mirror, covered in cracks, that he looks into? or is it the other way? am i the one looking at a mirror world, where my reflection is spoon feeding me the truth of my existence because i cant figure it out myself?

maybe its both. maybe i have too many walls and need to be told i am falling apart, and he has spent so long being told the opposite that he needs to admit to himself— to me— that he is broken and we are both bleeding together, onto each other, because we refuse to heal.

thats no way to live, he says, as if he does not live in the same house.

"isnt it? its the only way for people like us to live. no amount of bandages or drugs or conversations will fix us. this lonely, torrid warehouse is all we can afford."

he looks back at me and i stare into his eyes and see my reflection staring back at me. a mirror and the mirrors in his face, accepting that the reflection is right. am i the reflection? or is he? or is this a two-way mirror, and we're just staring at each other, dumb with recognition?

"..a bandaid is better than nothing, i guess. might as well keep living."

and thats where it is— the lesson, the moral of the story of reflection, the point of this idiotic talk. we're going to keep living anyways, no matter if we bleed, if we're fixed, or we learn to heal on our own. no matter how cracked, the mirror has to do its job until every last shard is disposed of. we're not there yet. a bandaid to keep the glass from falling off the frame is better than losing the shard, even if the mirror is uglier by result.

i look into the mirror, at him, at myself, for one last time, and i accept it. ill keep living, if not for health then for the sake of living itself, because what else do i have? this is it. the bandaid will keep me going, for now. no matter if it bleeds through. ill keep living, anyways. its all i have.

[wisteriafield]

Had a thought again, the saying "yesterdays heroes are tomorrows enemies" which was a sentiment about how tons of tankies back in the cold war would dispose of their muscle to remove the risk of being upended themselves after they did the dirty work or any other possible dissidents

But suddenly i thought of an original gundam story that could use that phrase in multiple contexts as a tagline for its story

I was thinking about how colonization and loss of collective identity create nationalist movements and 0079 paralleling that with Japan, i feel a similar thing happened with Vietnam

During WWII the US trained vietnamese soldiers to harass Japanese troops stationed in Vietnam and the people who volunteered (like ho chi minh) saw it as an opportunity to try to vouch for their peoples independence after being a french colony, but after the war the US treated vietnam like property to be returned to the french because that was their terms to agreeing to join NATO, which greatly angered them and caused them to be disillusioned with the us and became radicalized

Its often told that despite leading a movement, minh would eventually be cast aside from his own peers for their own ambitions once he became too old.

Notes about this series

Main character is a girl, with tan skin closer to how southeast asians look

The earth-a-like would be referred to as "the central planet" as earth federation is parallel to the US, the moniker refers to the US's spotlight in world politics as well as their own self absorption

The planet to parallel Vietnam is a dense two layered canopy jungle planet called Verdia because im brainstorming right now, and is a colony of the central planet

The first episode shows disturbing normalized things in the girls life as she runs an errand like carrying water; she memorized the location of land mines on the road as well as being completely unfazed by the sounds of battle nearby and constant bombing runs of mobile suits dropping bombs or burning trees in the upper layer canopy for better visibility, because the 2nd layer obscures even mobile suit vision by being just as tall as them. Shes heard stories of bombs that were dropped but didnt explode and how some of her friends died by getting too close to them out of curiosity and then suddenly exploding and knows to steer clear of ordinance even if it looks already used

Most of the central planet soldiers are around her age too, one night in her village she has an uncomfortable encounter with two of them wandering, obviously inebriated or on something else, and has to fight them off and steals one of their mobile suits and has to kill them to survive. The stress of having her idealized perception of central planet soldiers that was shown to her and being forced to kill to narrowly avoid sexual violence and death causes her to physically break down in the cockpit once the fight is over.

She is eventually found by a guerilla bloc that opposes the central planet and works with them, her uncanny survival ability owed to her understanding of the ecosystem (such as using firmer trees to make harder turns than MSes normally can) as well as the instinct shown in the beginning thats kept her alive up to this point. While she has a mass produced grunt suit (eventually customized), the gundam of the story itself is piloted by who would be her rival

Her rival embodies the idealization of Lyndon B Johnson’s “Hearts and Minds” program. A conscientious, compassionate soldier who truly wants to do good by the native population of the Verdians, but has misinformed convictions of what he’s been told the enemy is due to a lack of perspective. Disciplined to a fault, his rigid but noble nature clashes with those under his command, leading to a fragging attempt later on. He allows a private journalist to shadow him, with his naivety thinking that he can be a positive and benevolent force among his peers.

His MS is the only with beam tech, in particular there is an anecdote of one of his men wish he’d just use the beam saber to cleave down the jungle so they can get a better visual, reminding him in a time of which he did exactly that, which caused a mudslide that decimated a nearby village. The rest use machetes and ballistic weapons

The central planet has plenty of enemies beyond their reach, some of which fund the guerillas on this planet, but to avoid stretching the span of the plot this wouldn’t be too heavily focused on.

By virtue of a proxy war, the central planet has trained locals who believe in their cause to fight their own kind, in order to minimize casualties of their own

While they skirmish a few times before, a major turning point in the middle of the story is a parallel to the My Lai Massacre, his men organizing bombing runs and sortieing their MSes behind his back on a village due to their frustrations, betrayed expectations of wanting to go hunting for enemies rather than protecting and supplying locals, fueled by distrust and xenophobia for Verdians. The girl and the rival decide summarily that they have to work together, fighting together at first, and then she leaves the rest to him so she can try and protect some civilians, taking some children into the cockpit with her. Though she tries her best, many still die needlessly, causing her to cry uncontrollably clutching her head and pulling at her hair. The children make themselves small and hold each other, like walking in on a parent in a moment of emotional weakness they know they should not be looking at. The event ends with them having a tense and uneasy but mutual respect for one another.

The rival becomes disgusted beyond reconcile and deserts, realizing he could never have disciplined by example nor led by virtue, and that the attitude the central army has towards verdians is fundamentally wrong to its core (in which he recalls his CO who resembles General McArthur speak of verdians as savages whose natural state is chaos and evil)

The girl begins to doubt her place among the guerillas as they yearn to “reclaim” a national identity which they have not been able to call themselves true Verdians having been colonized by multiple nations with deeply vested interest in their resources, or being used as a staging point to reach the central planet. The movement for freedom begins to turn into a call to establish superiority by a show of strength, boldly planning to make a move to annex the capitol to prove it.

In the end of the story, rather than fight a battle trying to beat the central army, she needs to deliver the recorded proof of atrocities that took place on verdia to the journalist that the central army tried so hard to bury, in a 3 way battle between her, the central army, and her former allies she no longer wishes to associate with in the destruction waged in the capitol city during a mass evacuation effort, scenes mirror the infamous images of people clinging to helicopters taking off as they fill the helipad

The central forces eventually leave due to political backlash, but the planet is a smoking crater, cities ruined, millions of her own people dead, and despite her efforts, her own fellow verdians would later be consumed by propaganda from the central planet and defend their actions despite everything she did by the time she becomes an old woman coping with her trauma

The rival is publicly awarded by his government for heroism for his intervention during the massacre, but in private is court martialed and dishonorably discharged, while government officials lament the plummeting of their outside image while alluding to the Domino Effect.

[burningenemykitty-blog]

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