#the point is that in august 2014 my abusive ex left me and one of the reasons why i'm still here and i am what i am is the fandom

[nooradeservedbetter]

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[innuendostudios]

I was invited to give a talk on GamerGate over Zoom in early 2021. I've long been frustrated that there isn't a good timeline of GG and its origins on YouTube. When people ask "what the hell was GG anyway?" they often get referred to my or Dan Olson's videos on the subject, but both of them were made while GG was ongoing, and presumed a degree of familiarity on the part of the audience. There was just too much to say about what was already happening to spend time getting the audience up to speed, and it was safe to assume our audiences had enough context to follow along. But time moves fast on the internet, and many people who now care about such things weren't there while it was happening, and are lacking the necessary context to follow the better videos. For a long time, I've only been able to direct them to RationalWiki's timeline, which is excellent but so exhaustively comprehensive that it's likely to scare off first-timers.

I realize an hourlong lecture isn't necessarily helping matters, but the first 20-or-so minutes of this video are my attempt at streamlining the timeline such that people can be up to speed on the most important stuff fairly quickly. The rest is talking about what it all meant, how it prefigured the Alt-Right, and using it to better understand digital radicalization.

This video was made with the help of Magdalen Rose, who edited the slides to the audio while I was laid up with a back injury. Go sub to her channel! And please back me on Patreon.

Transcript below the cut.

FUCKING VIDEO GAMES? FUCKING VIDEO GAMES. THEY MADE DOZENS OF PEOPLE MISERABLE FOR YEARS OVER VIDEO GAMES! NOT EVEN FUCKING VIDEO GAMES, FUCKING ARTICLES ABOUT FUCKING VIDEO GAMES. THIS IS WHAT PASSES FOR LEGITIMATE GRIEVANCE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT??

Hi! My name is Ian Danskin. I’m a video essayist and media artist. I run the YouTube channel Innuendo Studios, please like share and subscribe.

I’m here to talk to you about GamerGate, and I needed to get all that out of the way. I’m going to talk about what GamerGate was and how it prefigured The Alt-Right, and there are gonna be moments where you’re nodding along with me, going, “yeah, yeah I get it,” and then the sun’s gonna break through a crack in the wall and you’ll suddenly remember that all this is happening because some folks - mostly ladies - said some stuff - provably true stuff, I might add - about video games and a bunch of guys didn’t like it, and you’re gonna want to rip your hair out. By the end of this, you will have a better understanding of what happened, but it will never not be bullshit.

Also, oh my god, content warning. Racism, sexism, antisemitism, homophobia, transphobia, rape threats, threats of violence, domestic abuse - I’m not going to depict or describe at length any of the worst stuff, but it’s all in the mix. So if at any point you need to switch me off or mute me, you have my blessing.

Brace yourselves.

Some quick prehistory:

In 2012, feminist media critic Anita Sarkeesian ran a Kickstarter campaign for a YouTube series on sexist tropes in video games. And, partway through the campaign, 4chan found it and said “let’s ruin her life.” And a lot of the male general gaming public joined in. And by “ruin her life” I’m not talking 150 angry tweets including dozens of rape and death threats per week, though that was a thing. I’m talking bomb threats. I’m talking canceled speaking engagements because someone threatened to shoot up a school. I’m talking FBI investigation. The harassers faced no meaningful repercussions.

And in 2013, Zoe Quinn released Depression Quest, a free text game about living with depression. They received harassment off and on for the next year, most pointedly from an incel forum called Wizardchan that doxxed their phone number and made harassing phone calls telling them to kill themself. The harassers faced no meaningful repercussions.

(Also, quick note: Zoe Quinn is nonbinary and has come out since the events in question. When I call Zoe’s harassment misogynist, understand I am not calling Zoe a woman, but they were attacked by people who hate women because that’s how they were perceived. Had they been out at the time things probably would’ve gone down similarly, but on top of misogyny I’d be talking about nonbinary erasure and transphobia.)

Okay. Our story begins in August 2014. The August that never ended.

Depression Quest, after a prolonged period on Greenlight, finally releases on Steam as a free download with the option to pay what you want. In the days that follow, Zoe’s ex-boyfriend, Eron Gjoni, writes a nearly 10,000-word blog called The Zoe Post, in which he claims Quinn had been a shitty and unfaithful partner. (For reference, 10,000 words is long enough that the Hugos would consider it a novelette.) This is posted to forums on Penny Arcade and Something Awful, both of which immediately take it down, finding it, at best, a lot of toxic hearsay and, at worse, an invitation to harassment. So Gjoni workshops the post, adds a bunch of edgelord humor (and I am using the word “humor” very generously), and reposts it to three different subforums on 4chan.

We’re not going to litigate whether Zoe Quinn was a good partner. I don’t know or care. I don’t think anyone on this call is trying to date them so I’m not sure that’s our business. What is known is that the relationship lasted five months, and, after it ended, Gjoni began stalking Quinn. Gjoni has, in fact, laid out how he stalked Quinn in meticulous detail to interviewers and why he feels it was justified. It’s also been corroborated by a friend that Quinn briefly considered taking him back at a games conference in San Francisco, but he became violent during sex and Quinn left the apartment in the middle of the night with visible bruises.

Off of the abusive ex-boyfriend’s post, 4chan decides it’s going to make Zoe Quinn one of their next targets, and starts a private IRC channel to plan the campaign. The channel is called #BurgersAndFries, a reference to Gjoni claiming Quinn had cheated on him with five guys. A couple sentences in The Zoe Post - which Gjoni would later claim were a typo - imply that one of the five guys was games journalist Nathan Grayson and that Quinn had slept with him in exchange for a good review of Depression Quest. Given the anger that they’d seen drummed up against women in games with the previous Anita Sarkeesian hate mob, #BurgersAndFries decides to focus on this breach of “ethics in games journalism” as a cover story, many of them howling with laughter at the thought that male gamers would probably buy it. This way, destroying Quinn’s life and career and turning their community against them would appear an unfortunate byproduct of a legitimate consumer revolt; criticism of the harassment could even be framed as a distraction from the bigger issue. Gjoni himself is in the IRC channel telling them that this was the best hand to play.

The stated aim of many on #BurgersAndFries was to convince Quinn to commit suicide.

Two regulars in the IRC, YouTubers MundaneMatt and Internet Aristocrat, make videos about The Zoe Post. Incidentally, both these men had already made a lot of money off videos about Anita Sarkeesian. Matt’s is swiftly taken down with a DMCA claim, and he says that Quinn filed the claim themself. (For the record, in those days, YouTube didn’t tell you who filed DMCA claims against you.) Members of the IRC also reach out to YouTuber TotalBiscuit, who had been critical of Sarkeesian and dismissive of her harassment, and he tweets the story to his 350,000 followers, saying a game developer trading sex for a good review might not prove true, but was certainly plausible.

This is where GamerGate begins to get public traction.

Zoe Quinn is very swiftly doxxed, with their phone number, home address, nudes, and names and numbers of their family collected. Gjoni himself leaks their birth name. The Zoe Post, and the movement against Quinn - now dubbed “The Quinnspiracy” - make it to The Escapist and Reddit, which mods will have little luck removing. The Quinnspiracy declares war on any site that does take their threads down, most vehemently NeoGAF. People who defend Zoe against the harassment start getting doxxed themselves - Fez developer Phil Fish is doxxed so thoroughly, hackers get access to the root folder of his website.

In what I’m going to call This Should Have Been The End, Part 1, Stephen Totilo, Editor-in-Chief at Kotaku where Nathan Grayson worked, in response to pressure not just from The Quinnspiracy but an increasing number of angry gamers buying The Quinnspiracy’s narrative, publishes a story. In it he verifies that Quinn and Grayson did date for several months, and that not only is there no review of Depression Quest anywhere on Kotaku, not by Grayson nor anyone else, but that Grayson did not write a single word about Quinn the entire time they were dating.

In response, The Quinnspiracy declares war on Kotaku. r/KotakuinAction is formed, which will become the primary site of organization outside of chanboards. The fact that their entire “movement” is based on a review that does not exist changes next to nothing.

Some people start to see The Quinnspiracy as potentially profitable. The Fine Young Capitalists get involved, a group ostensibly working to get women into video games but who have a Byzantine plan to do so wherein they crowdfund the budget and the woman who wins a competition gets to storyboard a game, but another company will make and she will get 8% of the profits, the rest going to a charity chosen by the top donor. 4chan becomes the top donor. They like TFYC because the head of the company has a vendetta against Zoe Quinn, who had previously called them out for their transphobic submission policy, and he falsely accused Quinn of having once doxxed him. 4chan feels backing an ostensibly feminist effort will be good PR, but can’t resist selecting a colon cancer charity because, they say, feminism is cancer and they want to be the cure to butthurt. They also get to design a character for the game, and so they create Vivian James, who will become the GamerGate mascot.

Manosphere YouTubers Jordan Owen and Davis Aurini launch a Patreon campaign for their antifeminist documentary The Sarkeesian Effect and come to The Quinnspiracy looking for $15,000 a month for an indefinite period to make it, which they get.

In what will prove genuinely awful timing, Anita Sarkeesian releases the second episode of Tropes vs. Women in Video Games, and, despite not being a games journalist and having nothing to do with Quinn or Grayson, she is immediately roped into the narrative about how feminists are ruining games culture and becomes the second major target of harassment. Both she and Quinn soon have to leave their houses after having receiving dozens and dozens of death threats that include their home addresses.

After being courted by members of the IRC channel, Firefly star Adam Baldwin tweets a link to one of the Quinnspiracy videos and coins the hashtag #GamerGate. This is swiftly adopted by all involved.

In response to all this, Leigh Alexander writes a piece for Gamasutra arguing that the identity that these men are flocking to the “ethics in games journalism” narrative to defend no longer matters as a marketing demographic. Gaming and games culture is so large and so varied, and the “core gamer” audience of 18-34 white bros growing smaller and septic, that there was no reason, neither morally nor financially, to treat them as the primary audience anymore. Love of gaming is eternal, but, she declared, “gamers,” as an identity, “are over.” Eight more articles contextualizing GamerGate alongside misogyny and the gatekeeping of games culture come out across several websites in the following days. GamerGate frames these as a clear sign of [deep sigh] collusion to oppress gamers, proving that ethics in games journalism is, indeed, broken, and Leigh Alexander becomes the third major target of harassment. These become known as the “gamers are dead” articles - a phrase not one of them uses - and they make “get Leigh Alexander fired from Gamasutra” one of their primary goals.

Something I need you to understand is that it has, at this point, been two weeks.

Highlights from the next little bit: Alex Macris, a higher up at The Escapist’s parent company, expresses support for GamerGate; he will go on to write the first positive coverage at a major publication and cement The Escapist as GamerGate-friendly. Mike Cernovich, aka “Based Lawyer,” gets GamerGate’s attention by mocking Anita Sarkeesian; he will go on to hire a private investigator to stalk Zoe Quinn. GamerGate launches Operation Disrespectful Nod, an email campaign pressuring companies to pull advertising from websites that have criticized them. They leverage their POC members, getting them, any time someone points out the rampant racism and antisemitism among GamerGaters, to say “I am a person of color and I am #NotYourShield”; most of these “POC members” are fake accounts left over from a previous, racist disinformation campaign. Milo Yiannapoulos gets involved, writing positive coverage of GG despite having mocked gamers for precisely this behavior in the past, and gets so much traffic it pulls Breitbart News out of obscurity and makes it a significant player in modern conservative news media.

[Hey! Ian from the future here. This talk mostly addresses how GamerGate prefigured the Alt-Right strategically and philosophically, but if you want a more explicit, material connection: Breitbart News took its newfound notoriety to become, as its Executive Chair phrased it in 2016, "a platform for the Alt-Right." That Executive Chair was Steve Bannon, who threw the website's weight behind The Future President Who Shall Not Be Named, and, upon getting his attention, would then go on to become his campaign strategist and work in his Administration. So, if you're wondering how one of the central figures of the Alt-Right ended up in the White House, the answer is literally "GamerGate." Back to you, Ian from the past!]

In what I’m calling This Should Have Been The End, Part 2, Zoe Quinn announces that they have been lurking the #BurgersAndFries IRC channel since the beginning and releases dozens of screenshots showing harassment being planned and the selection of “ethics in games journalism” as a cover. #BurgersAndFries has a meltdown, everyone turns on each other, and the channel is abandoned. And they then start another IRC and things proceed.

It goes on like this. I’m not gonna cover everything. This is just the first month. It should be clear by now that this thing is kind of unkillable. And I worry I haven’t made it obvious that this is not just a chanboard and an IRC. Thousands of regular, every day gamers were buying the story and joining in. They were angry, and no amount of evidence that their anger was unfounded was going to change that. You could not mention or even allude to GamerGate and not get flooded with dozens, even hundreds of furious replies. These replies always included the hashtag so everyone monitoring it could join in, so all attempts at real conversation devolved into a hundred forking threads where some people expected you to talk to them while others hurled insults and slurs. And always the possibility that, if any one of them didn’t like what you said, you’d be the next target.

To combat this, some progressives offered up the hashtag #GameEthics to the people getting swept up in GamerGate, saying, “look, we get that you’re angry, and if you want to talk about ethics in games journalism, we can totally do that, but using your hashtag is literally putting us in danger; they calling the police on people saying there’s a hostage situation at their home addresses so they get sent armed SWAT teams, and if you’ll just use this other hashtag we can have the conversation you say you want to have in safety.” And I will ever stop being salty about what happened.

They refused. They wouldn’t cede any ground to what they saw as their opposition. It was so important to have the conversation on their terms that not only did they refuse to use #GameEthics, they spammed it with furry porn so no one could use it.

A few major events on the timeline before we move on: Christina Hoff Sommers, the Republican Party’s resident “feminist,” comes out criticizing Anita Sarkeesian and becomes a major GG figurehead, earning the title Based Mom. Zoe Quinn gets a restraining order against Eron Gjoni, which he repeatedly violates, to no consequence; GG will later crowdfund his legal fees. There’s this listserv called GameJournoPros where game journalists would talk about their jobs, and many are discussing their concerns over GamerGate, so Milo Yiannopoulos leaks it and this is framed as further “proof of collusion.” 4chan finally starts enforcing its “no dox” rules and shuts GamerGate threads down, so they migrate to 8chan, a site famous for hosting like a lot of child porn. Indie game developer Brianna Wu makes a passing joke about GamerGate on Twitter and they decide, seemingly on a whim, to make her one of the biggest targets in the entire movement; she soon has to leave her home as well. GamerGate gets endorsements from WikiLeaks, Infowars, white nationalist sites Stormfront and The Daily Stormer, and professional rapist RooshV. And hundreds of people get doxxed; an 8chan subforum called Baphomet is created primarily to host dox of GamerGate’s critics.

But by November, GamerGate popularity was cresting, as more and more mainstream media covered it negatively. Their last, big spike in popularity came when Anita Sarkeesian went on The Colbert Report and Stephen made fun of the movement. Their numbers never recovered after that.

Which is not to say GamerGate ended. It slowed down. The period of confusion where the mainstream world couldn’t tell whether it was a legitimate movement or not passed. But, again, most harassers faced no meaningful repercussions. Gamers who bought the lie about “ethics in games journalism” stayed mad that no one had ever taken them seriously, and harassers continued to grief their targets for years. The full timeline of GamerGate is an constant cycle of lies, harassment, operations, grift, and doxxing. Dead-enders are to this day still using the hashtag. And remember how Anita had nothing to do with ethics in games journalism or Zoe Quinn, and they just roped her in because they’d enjoyed harassing her before so why not? Every one of GamerGate’s targets knows that they may get dragged into some future harassment campaign just because. It’s already happened to several of them. They’re marked.

(sigh) Let’s take a breath.

Now that we know what GamerGate was, let’s talk about why it worked.

In the thick of GamerGate, I started compiling a list of tactics I saw them using. I wanted to make a video essay that was one part discussion of antifeminist backlash, and one part list of techniques these people use so we can better recognize and anticipate their behavior. That first part became six parts and the second part went on a back burner. It would eventually become my series, The Alt-Right Playbook. GamerGate is illustrative because most of what would become The Alt-Right Playbook was in use.

Two foundational principles of The Alt-Right Playbook are Control the Conversation and Never Play Defense. Make sure people are talking about what you want them to talk about, and take an aggressive posture so you look dominant even when you’re not making sense. For instance: once Zoe leaked the IRC chatlogs, a reasonable person could tell the average gater, “the originators of GamerGate were planning harassment from the very beginning.” But the gater would say, “you’re cherry-picking; not everyone was a harasser.”

Now, this is a bad argument - that’s not how you use “cherry-picking” - and it’s being framed as an accusation - you’re not just wrong, you’re dishonest - which makes you wanna defend yourself. But, if you do - if you tell them why that argument is crap - you’ve let the conversation move from “did the IRC plan harassment?” - a question of fact - to “are the harassers representative of the movement?” - a question of ethics. Like, yes, they are, but only within a certain moral framework. An ethics question has no provable answer, especially if people are willing to make a lot of terrible arguments. It is their goal to move any question with a definitive answer to a question of philosophy, to turn an argument they can’t win into an argument nobody can win.

The trick is to treat the question you asked like it’s already been answered and bait you into addressing the next question. By arguing about whether you’re cherry-picking, you’re accepting the premise that whether you’re cherry-picking is even relevant. Any time this happens, it’s good to pause and ask, “what did we just skip over?” Because that will tell you a lot.

What you skipped over is their admission that, yes, the IRC did plan harassment, but that’s only on them if most of the movement was in on it. Which is a load of crap - the rest of the IRC saw it happening, let it happen, it’s not like anybody warned Zoe, and shit, I’m having the cherry-picking argument! They got me! You see how tempting it is? But presumably the reason you brought the harassment up is because you want them to do something about it. At the very least, leave the movement, but ideally try and stop it. They don’t, strictly speaking, need to feel personally responsible to do that. And you might be thinking, well, maybe if I can get them take responsibility then they’ll do something, but you’d be falling for a different technique I call I Hate Mondays.

This is where people will acknowledge a terrible thing is happening, maybe even agree it’s bad, but they don’t believe anything can be done about it. They also don’t believe you believe anything can be done about it. Mondays suck, but they come around every week. This is never stated outright, but it’s why you’re arguing past each other. To them, the only reason to talk about the bad thing is to assign blame. Whose turn is it to get shit on for the unsolvable problem? Their argument about cherry-picking amounts to “1-2-3 not it.” And they are furious with you for trying to make them responsible for harassment they didn’t participate in.

The unspoken argument is that harassment is part of being on the internet. Every public figure deals with it. This ignores any concept of scale - why does one person get harassed more than another? - but you can’t argue with someone who views it as a binary: harassment either happens or it doesn’t, and, if it does, it’s a fact of life, and, if it happens to everyone, it’s not gendered. And this is not a strongly-held belief they’ve come to after years of soul-searching - this is what they’ve just decided they believe. They want to participate in GamerGate despite knowing its purpose, and this is what would need to be true for that to be ok.

Or maybe they’re just fucking with you! Maybe you can’t tell. Maybe they can’t tell, either. I call this one The Card Says Moops, where people say whatever they feel will score points in an argument and are so irony-poisoned they have no idea whether they actually believe it. A very useful trick if the thing you appear to believe is unconscionable. You can’t take what people like that say at face value; you can only intuit their beliefs from their actions. They say they believe this one minute and that another, but their behavior is always in accordance with that, not this.

In the negative space, their belief is, “The harassment of these women is okay. My anger about video games is more important. I may not be harassing them myself, but they do kind of deserve it.” They will never say this out loud in a serious conversation, though many will say it in an anonymous or irreverent space where they can later deny they meant it. But, whatever they say they believe, this is the worldview they are operating under.

Obscuring this means flipping through a lot of contradictory arguments. The harassment is being faked, or it’s not being faked but it’s being exaggerated, or it’s not being exaggerated but the target is provoking it to get attention, which means GamerGate harassers simultaneously don’t exist, exist in small numbers, and exist in such large numbers someone can build a career out of relying on them! It can be kind of fun to take all these arguments made in isolation and try to string together an actual position. Like, GamerGate would argue that Nathan Grayson having previously mentioned Zoe Quinn in an article about a canceled reality show counts as positive coverage, and since Grayson reached out to Quinn for comment it’s reasonable to assume they started dating before the article was published (which is earlier than they claim), and positive coverage did lead to greater popularity for Depression Quest. But if you untangle that, it’s like… okay, you’re saying Zoe Quinn slept with a journalist in exchange for four nonconsecutive sentences that said no more than “Zoe Quinn exists and made a game,” and the price of those four sentences was to date the journalist for months, all to get rich off a game that didn’t cost any money. That’s your movement?

And some, if cornered, would say, “yes, we believe women are just that shitty, that one would fuck a guy for months if it made them the tiniest bit more famous.” But they won’t lead with that. Because they know it won’t convince the normies, even the ones who want to be convinced. So they use a process I call The Ship of Theseus to, piece by piece, turn that sentence into “slept with a journalist in exchange for a good review” and argue that each part of the sentence is technically accurate. It’s trying to lie without lying. And, provided all the pieces of this sentence are discussed separately, and only in the context of how they justify this sentence, you can trick yourself into believing this sentence is mostly true.

So, like, why? This is clearly motivated reasoning; what’s the motivation? What was this going to accomplish?

The answer is nothing. Nothing, by design. GamerGate’s “official” channels - the subreddit and the handful of forums that didn’t shut them down - were rigidly opposed to any action more organized than an email campaign. They had a tiny handful of tangible demands - they wanted gaming websites to post public ethics policies and had a list of people they wanted fired - but their larger aim was the sea change in how games journalism operated, which nothing they were asking for could possibly give them. The kind of anger that convinces you this is a true statement is not going to be addressed by a few paragraphs about ethics and Leigh Alexander getting a new job. They wanted gaming sites to stop catering to women and “SJWs” - who were a sizable and growing source of traffic - and to get out of the pockets of companies that advertised on their websites - which was their primary source of income. So all Kotaku had to do to make them happy was solve capitalism!

Meanwhile, the unofficial channels, like 8chan and Baphomet, were planning op after op to get private information, spread lies with fake accounts, get disinformation trending, make people quit jobs, cancel gigs, and flee their homes. Concrete goals with clear results. All you had to do to feel productive was go rogue. In my video,

How to Radicalize a Normie, I describe how the Alt-Right encourages lone wolf behavior by whipping people up into a rage and then refusing to give them anything to do, while surrounding them with examples of people taking matters into their own hands. The same mechanism is in play here: the public-facing channels don’t condone harassment but also refuse to fight it, the private channels commit it under cover of anonymity, and there is a free flow of traffic between them for when the official channels’ impotence becomes unbearable.

What I hope I’m illustrating is how these techniques play off of each other, how they create a closed ecosystem that rational thought cannot enter. There’s a phrase we use on the internet that got thrown around a lot at the time:

you can’t logic someone out of a position they didn’t logic themselves into.

Now, there are a few other big topics I think are relevant here, so I want to go through them one by one.

MEMEIFICATION

So a lot of interactions with GamerGate would involve a very insular knowledge base.

Like, you’d say something benign but progressive on Twitter.

A gater would show up in your mentions and say something aggressive and false.

You’d correct them. But then they’d come back and hit you with -

ah shit, sorry, this is a Loss meme.

If I were in front of a classroom I’d ask, show of hands, how many of you got that? I had to ask Twitter recently, does Gen Z know about Loss?!

If you don’t know what Loss is I’m not sure I can explain it to you. It’s this old, bad webcomic that was parodied so, so, so many times

that it was reduced to its barest essentials, to the point where any four panels with shapes in this arrangement is a Loss meme. For those of you in the know, you will recognize this anywhere, but have you ever tried to explain to someone who wasn’t in the know why this is really fuckin’ funny?

So, now… by the same process that this is a comics joke,

this is a rape joke.

I’m not gonna show the original image, but, once upon a time, someone made an animated GIF of the character Piccolo from Dragon Ball Z graphically raping Vegeta. 4chan loved it so much that it got posted daily, became known as the “daily dose,” until mods started deleting every incident of it. So they uploaded slightly edited version of it. Then they started uploading other images that had been edited with Piccolo’s color scheme. It got so abstracted that eventually any collection of purple and green pixels would be recognized as Piccolo Dick.

Apropos of nothing, GamerGate is a movement that insists it is not sexist in nature and it does not condone threats of rape against the women they don’t like. And this is their logo. This is their mascot.

If you’re familiar with the Daily Dose, the idea that GamerGate would never support Eron Gjoni if they believed he was a sexual abuser is so blatantly insincere it’s insulting… but imagine trying to explain to someone who’s not on 4chan how this sweater is a rape joke. Imagine having to explain it to a journalist. Imagine having to explain it to the judge enforcing your abuser’s restraining order.

Reactionaries use meme culture not just because they’re terminally online but also because it makes their behavior seem either benign or just confusing to outsiders. They find it hilarious that they can be really explicit and still fly under the radar. The Alt-Right did this with Pepe the Frog, the OK sign, even the milk glass emoji for a hot minute. The more inexplicable the meme, the better. You get the point where Stephen Miller is flashing Nazi signs from the White House and the Presidential re-eletion campaign is releasing 88 ads of exactly 14 words and there’s still a debate about whether the administration is racist. Because journalists aren’t going to get their heads around that. You tell them “1488 is a Nazi number,” it’s gonna seem a lot more plausible that you’re making shit up.

MOVE FAST AND BREAK THINGS

Online movements like GamerGate move at a speed and mutation rate too high for the mainstream world to keep up. And not just that they don’t understand the memes - they don’t understand the infrastructure.

In an attempt to cover GamerGate evenhandedly, George Wiedman of Super Bunnyhop interviewed a lawyer who specializes in journalistic ethics. He meant well; I really wish he hadn’t. You can see him trying to fit something like GamerGate into terms this silver-haired man who works in copyright law can understand. At one point he asks if it’s okay to fund the creative project of a potential journalistic source, to which the guy understandably says “no.”

What he’s alluding to here is the harassment of Jenn Frank. A few weeks into GamerGate, Jenn Frank writes a piece in The Guardian about sexism in tech that mentions Anita Sarkeesian and Zoe Quinn. In another case of “here’s a strongly-held belief I just decided I have,” GamerGate says this is a breach of journalistic ethics because Frank backs Quinn on Patreon. They harass her so intensely she not only has to quit her job at The Guardian, for several months she quits journalism entirely.

Off the bat, calling a public figure central to a major event in the field a “journalistic source” is flatly wrong-headed. Quinn was not interviewed or even contacted for the article, they were in no way a “source”; they were a subject. But I want to talk about this phrase, “fund a creative project.” Patreon is functionally a subscription; it’s a way of buying things. It’s technically accurate that Frank is funding Quinn’s creative project, but only in the sense that you are funding Bob Dylan’s creative project if you listen to his music. And saying Frank therefore can’t write about Quinn is like saying a music journalist can’t cover a Bob Dylan concert if they’ve ever bought his albums.

And we could talk about the ways that Patreon, as compared with other funding models, can create a greater sense of intimacy, and we also could comment that, well, that’s how an increasing number of people consume media now, so that perspective should be present in journalism. But maybe it means we should cover that perspective differently? I don’t know. It’s an interesting subject. But none of that’s going on in this conversation because this guy doesn’t know what Patreon is. It was only a year old at this point. Patreon’s been a primary source of my income for 5 years and my parents still don’t know what it is. (I think they think I’m a freelancer?) This guy hears “funding a creative project” and he’s thinking an investor, someone who makes a profit off the source’s success.

The language of straight society hasn’t caught up with what’s happening, and that works in GamerGate’s favor.

In the years since GamerGate we have dozens of stories of people trying to explain Twitter harassment to a legal system that’s never heard of Twitter. People trying to explain death threats to cops whose only relationship to the internet is checking email, confusedly asking, “Why don’t you just not go online?” Like, yeah, release your text game about depression at GameStop for the PS3 and get it reviewed in the Boston Globe, problem solved.

You see this in the slowness of mainstream journalists to condemn the harassment - hell, even games journalists at first. Because what if it is a legitimate movement? What if the harassers are just a fringe element? What if there was misconduct? The people in a position to stop GamerGate don’t have to be convinced of their legitimacy, they just have to hesitate. They just have to be unsure. Remember how much happened in just the first two weeks, how it took only a month to become unkillable.

It’s the same hesitance that makes mainstream media, online platforms, and law enforcement underestimate The Alt-Right. They’re terrified of condemning a group as white nationalist terrorists because they’re confused, and what if they’re wrong? Or, in most cases, not even afraid they’re wrong, but afraid of the PR disaster if too much of the world thinks they’re wrong.

ACCOUNTABILITY AND CONTROL

A thing I’ve talked about in The Alt-Right Playbook is how these decentralized, ostensibly leaderless movements insulate themselves from responsibility. Harassment is never the movement’s fault because they never told anyone to harass and you can’t prove the harassers are legitimate members of the movement. The Alt-Right does this too - one of their catchphrases is “I disavow.” Since there are no formalized rules for membership, they can redraw boundaries on the fly; they can take credit for any successes and deny responsibility for any wrongdoing. Public membership is granted or revoked based on a person’s moment-to-moment utility.

It’s almost like… they’re cherry-picking.

The flipside of this is a lack of control. Since they never officially tell anyone to do anything but write emails, they have no means of stopping anyone from behaving counterproductively. The harassment of Jenn Frank was the first time GamerGate’s originators thought, “maybe we should ease off just to avoid bad publicity,” and they found they couldn’t. GamerGate had gotten too big, and too many people were clearly there for precisely this reason.

They also couldn’t control the infighting. When your goal is to harass women and you have all these contradictory justifications for why, you end up with a lot of competing beliefs. And, you know what? Angry white men who like harassing people don’t form healthy relationships! Several prominent members of GamerGate - including Internet Aristocrat - got driven out by factionalism; they were doxxed by their own people! Jordan Owen and Davis Aurini parted ways hating each other, with Aurini releasing chatlogs of him gaslighting Owen about accepting an endorsement from Roosh, and they released two competing edits of The Sarkeesian Effect.

I say this because it’s useful to know that these are alliances of convenience. If you know where the sore spots are, you can apply pressure to them.

LEADERS WITHOUT LEADERSHIP

One way movements like GamerGate deflect responsibility is by declaring, “We are a leaderless movement! We have no means to stop harassment.”

Which… any anarchist will tell you collective action is entirely possible without leaders. But they’ll also tell you, absent a system of distributing power equitably, you’re gonna have leaders, just not ones you elected.

A few months into GamerGate, Randi Lee Harper created the ggautoblocker. Here’s what it did: it took five prominent GamerGate figures - Adam Baldwin, Mike Cernovich, Christina Hoff Sommers, Milo Yiannopoulos, and Nick Monroe, formerly known as [sigh] PressFartToContinue - and generated a block list of everyone who followed at least two of them on Twitter. Now, this became something of an arms race; once GamerGate found out about it they made secondary accounts that followed different people, and more and more prominent figures appeared and had to get added to the list. But, when it first launched, the list generated from just these five people comprised an estimated 90-95% of GamerGate.

Hate to break it to you, guys, but if 90+ percent of your movement is following at least two of the same five people, those are your leaders. The attention economy has produced them. Power pools when left on its own.

This is another case where you have to ignore what people claim and look at what they do. The Alt-Right loves to say “we disavow Richard Spencer” and “Andrew Anglin doesn’t speak for us.”

But no matter what they say, pay attention to whom they’re taking cues from.

AD CAMPAIGN

George Lakoff has observed that one way the Left fails in opposition to the Right is that most liberal politicians and campaigners have degrees in things like law and political science, where conservative campaigners more often have degrees in advertising and communications. Liberals and leftists may have a better product to sell, but conservatives know how to sell products.

GamerGate less resembles a boots-on-the-ground political movement than an ad campaign. First they decide what their messaging strategy is going to be. Then the media arm starts publicizing it. They seek out celebrity endorsements. They get their own hashtag and mascot. They donate to charity and literally call it “public relations.” You can even see the move from The Quinnspiracy to GamerGate as a rebranding effort - when one name got too closely associated with harassment, they started insisting GamerGate was an entirely separate movement from The Quinnspiracy. I learned that trick from Stringer Bell’s economics class.

Now, we could stand to learn a thing or two from this. But I also wouldn’t want us to adopt this strategy whole hog; you should view moves like these as red flags. If you’re hesitating to condemn a movement because what if it’s legitimate, take a look at whether they’re selling ideology like it’s Pepsi.

PERCEPTION IS EVERYTHING

One reason to insist you’re a consumer revolt rather than a harassment campaign is most people who want to harass need someone to give them permission, and need someone to tell them it’s normal.

Bob Altemeyer has this survey he uses to study authoritarianism. He divides respondents into people with low, average, and high authoritarian sentiments, and then tells them what the survey has measured and asks, “what score do you think is best to have: low, average, or high?”

People with low authoritarian sentiments say it’s best to be low. People with average authoritarian sentiments also say it’s best to be low. But people with high authoritarian sentiments? They say it’s best to be average. Altemeyer finds, across all his research, that reactionaries want to aggress, but only if it is socially acceptable. They want to know they are the in-group and be told who the out-group is. They don’t particularly care who the out-group is, Altemeyer finds they’ll aggress against any group an authority figure points to, even, if they don’t notice it, a group that contains them. They just have to believe the in-group is the norm.

This is why they have to believe games journalism is corrupt because of a handful of feminist media critics with outsized influence. Legitimate failures of journalism cannot be systemic problems rooted in how digital media is funded and consumed; there cannot be a legitimate market for social justice-y media. It has to be manipulation by the few. Because, if these things are common, then, even if you don’t like them, they’re normal. They’re part of the in-group. Reactionary politics is rebellion against things they dislike getting normalized, because they know, if they are normalized, they will have to accept them. Because the thing they care about most is being normal.

This is why the echo chamber, this is why Fox News, this is why the Far Right insists they are the “silent majority.” This is why they artificially inflate their numbers. This is why they insist facts are “biased.” They have to maintain the image that what are, in material terms, fringe beliefs are, in fact, held by the majority. This is why getting mocked by Stephen Colbert was such a blow to GamerGate. It makes it harder to believe the world at large agrees with them.

This is why, if you’re trying to change the world for the better, it’s pointless to ask their permission. Because, if you change the world around them, they will adapt even faster than you will.

THE ARGUMENT ISN’T SUPPOSED TO END

Casey Explosion has this really great Twitter thread comparing the Alt-Right to Scary Terry from Rick and Morty. His catchphrase is “you can run but you can’t hide, bitch.” And Rick and Morty finally escape him by hiding. And Morty’s all, “but he said we can’t hide,” and Rick is like, “why are we taking his word on this? if we could hide, he certainly wouldn’t tell us.”

The reason to argue with a GamerGater is on the implied agreement that, if you can convince them they’re part of a hate mob, they will leave. But look at the incentives here: they want to be in GamerGate, and you want them not to be. But they’re already in GamerGate. They’re not waiting on the outcome of this argument to participate. They’ve already got what they want; they don’t need to convince you GamerGate isn’t a hate mob.

This is why all their logic and rationalizations are shit, because they don’t need to be good. They’re not trying to win an argument. They’re trying to keep the argument going.

This has been a precept of conservative political strategy for decades. “You haven’t convinced us climate change is real and man-made, you need to do more studies.” They’re not pausing the use of fossil fuels until the results come in. “You haven’t convinced us there are no WMDs in Iraq, you need to collect more evidence.” They’re not suspending the war until you get back to them. “You haven’t convinced us that Reaganomic tax policy causes recessions, let’s just do it for another forty years and see what happens.” And when the proof comes in, they send us out for more, and we keep going.

The biggest indicator you can’t win a debate with a reactionary is they keep telling you you can. The biggest indicator protest and deplatforming works is they keep telling you in plays into their hands. The biggest indicator that you shouldn’t compromise with Republicans is they keep saying doing otherwise is stooping to their level. They’re not going to walk into the room and say, “Hi, my one weakness is reasoned argument, let’s pick a time and place to hash this out.”

And we fall for it because we’re trying to be decent people. Because we want to believe the truth always wins. We want to bargain in good faith, and they are weaponizing our good faith against us. Always dangling the carrot that the reason they’re like this is no one’s given them the right argument not to be. It’s all just a misunderstanding, and, really, it’s on us for not trying hard enough.

But they have no motivation to agree with us. Most of the people asking for debates have staked their careers on disagreeing with us. Conceding any point to the Left could cost them their livelihood.

WHY GAMES?

Let’s close with the big question: why games? And, honestly, the short answer is:

why not games?

Games culture has always presented itself as a hobby for young, white, middle class boys. It’s always been bigger and more diverse than that, but that’s how it was marketed, and that’s who most felt they belonged. As gaming grows bigger, there is suddenly room for those marginal voices that have always been there to make themselves heard. And, as gaming becomes more mainstream, it’s having its first brushes with serious critical analysis.

This makes the people who have long felt gaming was theirs and theirs alone anxious and a little angry. They’ve invested a lot of their identity in it and they don’t want it to change.

And what the Far Right sees in a sizable collection of aggrieved young men is an untapped market. This is why sites like Stormfront and Breitbart flocked to them. These are not liberals they have to convert, these people are, up til now, not politically engaged. The Right can be their first entry to politics.

The world was changing. Nerd properties were exploding into popular culture in tandem with media representation diversifying. And we were living with the first Black President. Any time an out-group looks like it might join the in-group, there is a self-protective backlash from the existing in-group. This had been brewing for a while, and, honestly, if it hadn’t boiled over in games, it would have boiled over somewhere else.

And, in the years since GamerGate, it has. The Far Right has tapped the comics, Star Wars, and sci-fi fandoms; they tried to get in with the furry community but failed spectacularly. They’re all over YouTube and, frankly, the atheist community was already in their pocket. Basically, if you’re in community with a bunch of young white guys who think they own the place, you might wanna have some talks with them sooner than later.

Anyway, if you want to know more about any of this stuff, RationalWiki’s timeline on GamerGate is pretty thorough. You can also watch my or Dan Olson’s videos on the subject. I’ll be putting the audio of this talk on YouTube and will put as many resources as I can in the show notes. The channel, again, is Innuendo Studios.

Sorry this was such a bummer.

Thank you for your time.

[thetruthaboutbeliza]

The Truth

A thread of Beliza’s innocence. 

To start out the Pilot for The 100 was filmed in July of 2013 and Season 1 started filming in August of 2013. This would’ve been when Bob and Eliza first became friends. It IS possible they had a brief fling during this time, however there’s nothing to confirm or deny that. 

It’s believed that Bob started dating a girl named Jane Gosden sometime in 2014 and they broke up sometime in 2015. I had trouble finding information about Jane originally and the only source I had found online said they dated 2014-2015 however, that is incorrect. They were together for a few years and broke up some time after May 2014. Jane actually still has quite a few photos on her Instagram of her and Bob together and her with his family. She still interacts with Bob’s sister on a frequent basis as well. I’m still not 100% sure when they started dated but, they were at least together from 2012-2014.

Bob and Arryn met in April 2015 at Supanova in Australia. We know this by photos of them at the con together. Below you can see Bob in the green hat in the back next to Arryn. Barbara is also in the center there in light blue. There are a few other photos of Arryn, Barb, and Bob hanging out during Supanova. 

Arryn and Miles Luna were dating from 2010 until some time in mid 2015 (either May, June, or July). They wrote blog posts confirming their break up in August 2015 and stated they’d been broken up for a little while but didn’t want to announce it until after RTX. In Arryn’s post detailing their break up it is important to note she cited Australia as a reason for their break up.

Everyone wants to attack Bob and Eliza for “moving on quickly” from their exes, specifically Bob from Arryn but, Arryn literally left Miles for Bob. Did they cheat? I don’t know. No one does. But she clearly fell for Bob during Supanova and decided to leave her family/friends/boyfriend behind and pursue Bob and a life in LA. Now it is important to note that she said she wasn’t moving until the END of September 2015. At that point in time she was ALREADY traveling quite frequently out to Vancouver. Vancouver is where The 100 filmed. Some of the cast had photos with her during this time, she was being tagged in posts with them and Bob, her and Bob were talking often on Twitter, and in some of her photos that were more “cryptic” (ie. photos of her at a coffee shop with her and someone else’s shoes) she mentioned something about “Aussies knowing how to do it right.” Bob is Australian. 

So sometime in July 2015 she started traveling often to Vancouver. August 2015 she officially announces her split from Miles but stated they’d been broken up for a bit but didn’t want to tell anyone until after RTX and that she’d be moving to LA to “pursue her dreams” by the end of September 2015. This pretty much confirms that the Anon Twitter account TruevFalse was correct in stating that Arryn still lived with her ex Miles for a brief time when her and Bob started dating. We don’t have the EXACT date/time of them officially starting to date but they were clearly talking seriously July-Aug 2015 if she was flying out that often to Vancouver where he was filming. At some other point she later specifically stated that she moved to LA for Bob. I’m not sure if this was in stream or where she stated this but, I’ve seen multiple people cite that she said that. Confirming she broke up with Miles for Bob. That alone should stop people from automatically attacking Bob and Eliza for getting together quickly. Was it quick? Yes. Even IF that had been cheating like Arryn claims - they wouldn’t have been in a relationship. Having an affair isn’t a real relationship and getting married a few months after officially dating is still fairly fast - cheating or not - but, that’s not for anyone else to comment on. Plenty of people have done something similar - hell some people get married weeks after meeting someone. When you know, you know. But if you’re going to attack them automatically for moving quickly, “Eliza stealing Bob”, or Bob leaving Arryn for Eliza - then you should be equally upset with Arryn for doing the same thing previously to be with Bob.

On to the abuse allegations. She states that Bob was controlling and isolated her from her family and friends and that she had no friends in LA. But that’s 100% HER doing. As I stated, she literally LEFT her boyfriend/friends/family/job to move out to LA where she knew no one to be with Bob. If you’re telling me he forced her to do all of that before they were even dating - you’re crazy. I do believe she left to pursue a better future in LA but, her main motive for moving was Bob. From there he then invited her into his group of friends (The 100 cast) and quite often she was out with certain members of the cast WITHOUT Bob present. Now I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a controlling/abusive relationship but, I have. Also doing any sort of research on the topic will come to a very similar conclusion: abusers/controlling partners do not want you to have ANY friends, they especially don’t want you hanging out with THEIR friends outside of them being with you, and if they don’t like someone they tell you not to be friends with them, associate with them, or hang around them. Arryn was with The 100 cast a ton, like I said, a lot of times she was with them without Bob around. She quite often did photoshoots when she was home in LA with a friend, and she was still constantly hanging out with Barbara. My reason for bringing Barbara up is a few. 1) Arryn claimed Bob specifically didn’t like Barbara and thought she was a bad friend. This *could* be true, who knows. But if we’re going by Arryn claiming Bob was controlling, then he would’ve told her not to be friends with Barbara. Period. Now yes, Arryn would’ve had to see Barbara on occasion for cons or while they were doing promotion work for RWBY but, he probably would’ve told her to limit her interaction with Barbara during those times and outside of that - not communicate with her. That is what an abuser/controller does. 2) My other reason for bringing Barbara into this is because of Barbara’s boyfriend Trevor Collins and his ex Emily. Emily has talked about the abuse she suffered from Trevor for years during their relationship. She was much younger than he was and when they started dating he was controlling/abusive. She specifically stated she was NOT allowed to be friends with his friends or talk to them unless he was around and that he cheated on her with a co-worker (Barbara) and that they manipulated her by calling her crazy while she had suspicions but they denied it. Now that sounds awfully familiar to Arryn’s story and it’s quite hypocritical for Arryn to know her best friend did this and then to hate Eliza for “doing the same thing”. Here are pieces of Emily’s statement/story. Did Arryn steal part of her story for her own? I can’t say for sure. It’s also important to note Trevor is part of RTX which Miles, Barbara, and Arryn were/are a part of and that the “friend group” Emily was referring to probably included Arryn but, I’m not 100% sure on that.

Another part of Arryn’s story was that Bob FORCED her to be friends with Eliza. So he can FORCE her to be friends with someone but can’t FORCE her to not be friends with Barbara even though she specifically mentions he didn’t like her? She said he forced her to be friends with Eliza even though he had told her he “hated” Eliza but, I’m not sure when he would’ve possibly hated her as Eliza and Bob have been friends since filming began. There’s never not been interaction/photos/hanging out of those two. They’ve always been adamant about being best friends/super close. And Arryn was often seen with Eliza, again, without Bob around. I could imagine Bob trying to force her to be friends/friendly with Eliza while he brought Eliza around but, it’s incredibly odd he’d somehow force Arryn to hang out with Eliza on her own. 

On to the accusation of Bob being a biphobe and that he was not happy with her being bisexual. This one is just incredibly wrong for multiple reasons. Firstly, a few people defending Arryn have stated Bob has never shown any sort of support for Bisexuals or LGBTQ and that’s false. He’s actually been fairly vocal (to Bob’s standards anyways as he’s not very vocal on Social Media in general) about LGBTQ rights/support and has commented quite a few times about how proud he was to be a part of a show where they had a leading lady being Bisexual. Bob was also part of one of Australia’s first gay kiss scenes on tv. He went to Pride with Richard well before Arryn ever did and according to her statement she says “when he found out I was bisexual he was furious” but Arryn has always been openly Bisexual. She was constantly talking about it during on twitter during the time they were constantly tweeting each other back and forth before she officially broke up with Miles. There’s no possible way Bob didn’t know Arryn was bisexual before dating her. If he was biphobic, he simply wouldn’t have dated her, nor would he constantly be showing support for LGBTQ over the years. Arryn also frequently talked about being Bisexual still while they were dating. She was never not open about that. 

Those above are some of the times he’s been vocal about Bisexual/LGBTQ rights/support. He’s also a fan of Tegan and Sara and has liked a few posts of theirs. Then we have the post from yesterday of Eliza talking about being proud to represent Bisexuals by playing Clarke and Bob taking the photo/liking the post.

With Arryn deactivating her Twitter I can’t go through and find all the times she was open about being Bisexual while with Bob but, here are two instances I could find. So she never stopped talking about her sexuality while with Bob.

One of the biggest holes in Arryn’s story is when she talks about how she got a rental property for her and Bob in Australia and after doing the paperwork and moving everything in, shortly after he dumped her to be with Eliza and that they stole the place from her and that he never intended for that to be their place. The first thing about that is there was never a place in Australia - the place in Australia that Bob and Eliza have was BOUGHT by them and is NOT the place Arryn is referring to. I was incorrect about this statement - I got confused and thought Arryn had said in her statement that the house was in Australia but, she said “The Hills” and I remembered seeing some fans attacking Bob for posting photos of their house in Australia on his cover on Facebook as “rubbing it in her face” and combined those in my head. So I apologize. 

The place Arryn is referring to is the rental place in LA. I’m not sure how she made that error or why she didn’t correct it but, there’s that. So Eliza and Bob “stole” the rental home from her but, later on in her statement she confirms that she actually DID live in the rental house and that she left because she got spooked when fans found out she was looking for roommates since she couldn’t afford to live there by herself. She states that herself and plenty of fans have confirmed remembering seeing her looking for roommates during that time. Bob gave her the place originally, she couldn’t afford it and got scared, so she gave it back to him. That is the house where Bob and Eliza are currently staying at during quarantine in LA.  Now according to Eliza’s story of when her and Bob got together she states that she had signed a one year lease with her friend Nina in Vancouver sometime in Feb. 2019 and in March 2019 when they were unpacking Bob came over and asked her on a date. Going back to Arryn’s story, this couldn’t be true since according to her they were having an affair for at least 6 months that she knew of and that her getting their rental house in LA in December 2018 was essentially for Bob and Eliza she just didn’t know that at the time. These photos from Nina’s Instagram/Stories confirm Eliza’s side of the story.

So Eliza was still with Nina until at least May 2019. It wasn’t until June 2019 that Eliza was officially living with Bob and they had gotten Panda. 

If they stole this place from her, why did they not move in together until June?

Another part of Arryn’s story is about how she “caught” them together on camera while she was in New Zealand. That trip by the way, she was with her mother while Bob was home in LA recovering from knee surgery. She went on a trip with her mother (aka family that Bob isolated her from) while he was recovering from surgery. You’d think someone controlling would force her to stay and take care of them. Shortly after she “caught” them cheating, she publicly announced how much she missed Eliza and wished her a happy birthday via Instagram. So this was the “6 months” she was referring to, she “caught” them together, and then 6 months later in Feb 2019 he dumped her for Eliza. However, up until Jun 2019 (when they officially married/moved in together), Arryn was STILL friendly with them both on social media. Now I understand people want to say “well she was brainwashed by them, it makes sense”. Again, if you’ve been in a situation like this the moment you’re free from your abuser/s you cut the chord. It makes no sense she’d continue to be friendly with them both AFTER catching them cheating, AFTER he dumped her for Eliza and “stole” the house she got for them, and AFTER escaping her abuser. Giving her the benefit of the doubt and she did still feel the need to be attached to her abuser/s for a while after the break up, why was it that when she caught them cheating 6 months prior did she only claim she felt betrayed by one of her close friends and cut them off completely in June 2019 after Beliza announced their marriage? She had no problem cutting off the “betrayer” then. 

The youtube video below is an interview featuring Barbara and Arryn May 14th 2019 where at she talks about the betrayal. She says she had a friend betray a huge amount of trust even though they thought they were close and the best way to deal with it was to cut them completely off. (This was clearly about Eliza and is around the 53:00 mark). Mind you, going back to her statement she claims Bob “forced” them to be friends. In this same interview she also talks about getting a therapist (around 10:49 mark) “for no reason in particular” and “doesn’t know what she even needs help with” other than her anxiety and feeling like she didn’t want to dump all her problems on friends and wanted someone to talk to. She talks very light hearted about it and in no way indicates that she’s seeking therapy for an abusive relationship or anything similar. While watching this interview, at (29:40) is where she actually confirms moving to LA with a significant other. Confirming earlier that she left Miles for Bob. She also says that she found most of her friends were through said significant other (Bob) and although she’s friends with them even though they aren’t together anymore, she doesn’t have too many friends outside of that relationship but, (again she’s very light-hearted talking about this) that it’s because she spent so much time around them that your friends become theirs and vise versa and that she “really doesn’t want to make friends because she’s comfortable being alone”. She later (around 42:00) talks about how pretty much ALL of her friends have been because of boyfriends. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvBtaCp_5Ro&ab_channel=RoosterTeeth

Now then, in her other statement she mentions her relationship with Miles briefly because people brought up that she cheated on him. She states “they were consenting adults in their relationship and he was okay with me being with a woman”. This is only true to a degree - he was technically okay with it, however she cheated FIRST, she started making out with a girl while drunk and he saw it and him and his friends thought it was “hot”. Afterwards she asked him if it was fine and he said “yes because I’m right here and it’s hot”. He also basically implies that he’d be “okay” with his girlfriend cheating with another girl but not a man. This is all from HIS mouth. Not only is all of that completely derogatory to bisexuals (I’m bi just FYI), it cancels out her statement of them talking about her being with another girl beforehand and him being okay with it because they did NOT talk about it before. He simply said he was okay with her being bi. 

Here’s the video: https://twitter.com/klarkbell/status/1294995706906849281?s=20 In her statement she also claims that Bob cheated on his previous ex (Jane) with Eliza. How would she know this first of all? And secondly, Jane is actually still close with his family. I can’t imagine she would be if he cheated on her. Especially because they dated for a little over a year where him and Arryn dated for over 3 years. Bob’s family cut off Arryn but, not Jane. It’s also a bit odd to me that Arryn’s mother is still friends with Bob’s mother. Terry is Bob’s mother, Bev is Arryn’s. 

Next we have the video that stirred Arryn’s statement to begin with where she was on stream saying “the last two women I dated were batshit, actually most women are batshit” and then proceeded to say that she has a history of dating “psychopaths and narcissists”. These are all incredibly gross statements and if you find yourself claiming that ALL of your relationships are either psychos, narcissists, and/or batshit - you should probably check yourself.

https://twitter.com/klarkbell/status/1302700329138565122?s=20

She says she’s terrified of Bob, always has been and still is. However, she never once claimed he was physically abusive. I don’t know a single person who’s been emotionally/mentally abusive who has ever used the term “afraid” when talking about the abuser. The ex I had that was controlling and the ex I had that was mentally abusive both had a lot of issues, they were assholes, toxic, and terrible partners but, I was never once afraid of them. I’ve dealt with a narcissist (actually the ex of my partner who has bullied/harassed me, not an ex of my own) and while being a pathological liar is a trait of a narcissist - it doesn’t make you automatically a narcissist to be a pathological liar and/or toxic. Nothing she describes = narcissist. So it’s not okay that she uses that term to describe Bob or any of her exes. Talk to anyone who’s been physically abused and you’ll get the statement of them being scared and/or terrified. However, you’ll also get a vastly different reaction from them compared to Arryn’s on how they speak about the abuse they endured and their abuser. If you’re scared of someone after being abused, you don’t call them names, you don’t laugh about name calling, or about the abuse you endured (no, not even to “break tension”), you’re terrified - you’re scared of speaking out extremely vocally because of “what they might do to you”. I’d also like to mention it’s extremely rare for the abuser to dump the victim. They’re controlling/abusive to KEEP you around, they SCARE you to KEEP you around. Not dump you to be with someone else. 

Abusive people also don’t just magically change/get better. They have a history of being this way and more often than not continue to be that way to future partners. Arryn claims Bob wasn’t supportive of anything she did, didn’t let her sing/do music, isolated her from family and friends, refused therapy. Yet, with Eliza it’s incredibly different. She’s always with friends/family and he’s often with them as well. She sings/does music as well and he’s supportive of it and everything she does including her foundation. And, he’s in therapy. They both are so she can figure out how to be a better partner for him due to his extreme depression/suicidal thoughts. I’d also like to remind you that Bob bought Arryn a new keyboard for her birthday one year and was supportive of her being in a friend’s music video in 2018.

Arryn was told at some point in a stream I guess about Bob going to therapy and she said something along the lines of “good for him although I doubt he’s changed”. If she didn’t think it was possible he could change, why did she say she tried to get him into therapy and he refused for years? Why would he refuse therapy but, go into therapy within months of being with Eliza? Since breaking up with Arryn, Bob has been incredibly vocal on social media about his mental health struggles where when he was with her he was fairly silent. He occasionally posted support for mental health awareness but, nothing compared to what he does now. Almost like his mental health got incredibly bad while dating Arryn and he was hiding it from the public/not allowed to talk about it. 

I want to say that the abuse and harassment Arryn apparently endured from The 100 fans while dating Bob and even after is completely uncalled for and I do feel bad that she had to go through that. No one deserves that. However, it’s important to also remember that there is absolutely NOTHING Bob could’ve done to stop that. Nothing he could say that would force people to stop saying shit. People are going to do what they are going to do regardless. True fans, should’ve been happy for him and supported his relationship. No celebrity can control their fans and the few times some of them have spoken out about their fans doing shit like this - nothing happened or it made the fans worse. Bottom line is fans have a problem of feeling entitled and that celebrities/their fav should listen to them. People didn’t like Arryn and nothing Bob said was going to change that. It’s incredibly naive to hold anyone accountable for someone else’s behavior. Much the same as Arryn isn’t able to control her fans doing the SAME thing to Beliza now. Bob and Eliza have both always been very open about how they don’t approve of bullying, harassment, and that you should “be kind”. That alone should be enough for fans to know not to harass/bully someone. They’ve both received hate mail, death threats, been told it’s good Eliza had a miscarriage and they hope she’s sterile, had mail sent to their house, etc. and they haven’t openly talked about that. They haven’t “told fans to knock it off”. Hell their marriage was literally found out by fans before they wanted to announce it because they found Eliza’s number and called her. That’s crossing a line too and harassing them but, they STILL didn’t say anything publicly. They instead announced their marriage and just said “we ask for privacy during this time”. So it makes no sense that you’d expect them or ANY celebrity for that matter - to have control over their fans, “force” their fans to stop doing shit, and blame them for what their fans do/have done. 

I do not believe that Bob is completely innocent. I believe their relationship was incredibly toxic and bad for them both and they probably brought out the worst in each other. I don’t doubt they had yelling matches and probably said mean things to one another. However, I 100% believe it was a MUTUAL thing. Arryn is NOT innocent or the victim/survivor and Bob is NOT the animal she’s making him out to be. It sounds more like she, not only felt betrayed by Bob and Eliza getting together, but that she was tired of their fans harassing her for years and continuing even after they broke up/got together that the only thing she could think to do was release a statement and throw Bob completely under the bus to save herself. If she’s painted as the victim and Bob the villain then surely the harassment will stop. Especially with how people blindly believe any statement released in regards to abuse or rape. After experiencing years of harassment she only decides to deactivate her twitter after people poked holes in her story and she realized not everyone believed her and she was STILL getting harassment. Again, she doesn’t deserve the constant harassment. I believe that is what pushed her to this point. No, it’s not okay that she’s lied and done this by any means but, I think she felt backed into a corner and lashed out. I can understand where she’s coming from, even though it doesn’t excuse it or make it right. 

One last note, something I remembered: she specifically stated Bob was the reason she deactivated Youtube and stopped posting/being on social media as much. However, she slowly stopped doing that while with Miles and in her statement about breaking up with him said she’d be taking a hiatus from Youtube but, would be back. However, I think she just decided against that because she wanted to unplug and live life. 

Now one of the major things everyone says is proof of her statement is that Bob has been silent. I’d like to remind you that usually guilty parties deny deny and are vocal. Bob’s silence is more proof to me that he’s innocent. He knows no matter what he says - won’t matter. If he denies it, people will say he’s lying. The victim/survivor wants to move on, they want to forget the abuser, don’t acknowledge them and just want to be happy. All of the things BOB is doing, not Arryn. I’ve seen people say “if he’s innocent he’d sue her for slander” however, how is that any different than the countless rape/physical abuse victims that don’t come forward or call the cops/take them to court? They don’t want to relive all that. They want to move on. The damage has already been done with her statement, same way as even though Amber Heard was proven a liar in court - the damage was/is done. Johnny still isn’t going to be able to work with Disney again, certain people STILL defend Amber despite the court findings/evidence. What would be the purpose of him denying it? The man is in therapy because he incredibly depressed/suicidal and looks so much happier/healthier in his marriage with Eliza. He just wants to leave it all behind. Denying it/suing her will just continue the lengthy process of moving on from everything and re-stir the pot. I’d also like to throw in there the fact that proving emotional/mental abuse is incredibly hard so it’s not like taking her to court over slander would really do anything. Johnny was able to fight his case because it was physical abuse and there was countless amounts of evidence/witnesses/documents/photos etc. Most people don’t have any solid evidence against mental/emotional abuse because it happens in person/in the moment. Unless you’re recording everything, you won’t have proof. It’s just he said/she said. That’s why the majority of Arryn’s statement was about cheating and not the abuse. 

[confessions-of-a-blogger]

Karma, or bollocks?

I wanted to write what's happened in my life for a while, well, my adult life. I find writing very therapeutic and something I have enjoyed doing since I was 13, so 16 years now.

I haven't found the need too, but now, I do.

It's going to paint myself in a bad light, or a good light, you can judge I am fine with that, I have lived with these choices for a long time, some more recently fair to say.

In the words of Nickelback 'Something's gotta go wrong cos I'm feeling way too damn good'

I always say out of every negative, and there can be alot, there is a least one positive. I hope by the end of this, I find that positive.

So the beginning, kind of. October 2012.

I was with a girl, but went to America for a month with my best friend at the time. He used to live there and I came into a bit of money, always wanted to go to the states, and had the most wonderful month.

About 2 weeks in I got a scent that something was happening between my partner and someone else, and I was right. I snooped on her Facebook inboxes, and found she had been talking to a girl, more than talking really, flirting, saying she wish she could be with her, the usual jazz. Which, I had done myself previously, and I deserved it to happen to me. I jumped from relationship to relationship for years, my therapist said it was because I didn't feel loved by my mum after years of abuse, I always went from woman to woman to find the love, and I agreed.

When I came back, I was expecting to break up with her, but I was about to look after my friends dog in his flat for an unknown period of time, and she had told her mum this, so her mum kicked her out.

With nowhere to live, I felt like it was now my responsibility, so we spoke and worked on things.

A few months down the line, she fell pregnant, and I was over the moon. I always wanted the family life, even after the red flag, but unfortunately she miscarried.

Then things changed slightly. Controlling behaviour, both our heads in the wrong places, still trying to hold a relationship together, and of course still sleeping together, and she fell pregnant, again.

This time I was at fault, I didn't wanna be with her, and I figured she was going through my phone, so I left her things to find so we could break up.

Then I felt horrible. I left my pregnant partner. Regardless of if I wanted to be with them, I should not of done that, at that time, so we got back together, and she miscarried, again.

2 back to back nearly killed us both off. So I made it clear I didn't want to try again and she went onto the pill.

Which she then stopped taking, and on her highest ovulation day she got me drunk, we fucked, and she fell pregnant a third time.

Not wanting to make the same mistake, I stayed. For a while. The thought that someone just went behind my back to get pregnant after I made it clear I couldn't cope with another miscarriage brewed. I had already struggled with mental health from the years of abuse by my mum, I didn't want to go through a third and come out alot worse.

We got to 12 weeks, and everything was okay with baby, but I knew I needed out. It was a massive betrayal of trust, and I could no longer trust her.

Her birthday came up, then Christmas and New year, so I didn't act on this, I didn't want to cause more stress and miscarry again.

In Jan 2014, after a month of just basically both of us talking to other people, I ended it, and a month later I was with someone else. Needless to say, it wasnt a good thing. I felt like I was being blackmailed by my ex to do all these things just so I could see my unborn. I always wanted children, and said I would do anything to see them as often as possible.

In May that child was born, and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. The blackmail continued and in August it all came out that I had been essentially having an affair, not that I wanted it, and that caused strain on my relationship at the time. I was wrong, very very wrong to do what I did, and should of stood my ground, but maybe the rest of this story will show you how hard that would of been.

Things were hard, I was being stopped from seeing my child as often as I liked, and it was a case of 'can you have her tomorrow' always at short notice, and always having to juggle work around that. When I couldn't change shifts at short notice, things got worse. Arguing on her side, emotional abuse, the works. Child as a weapon.

After a few months, I would say February 2015, contact turned very very minimal.

In March, my partner cheated on me twice, with the same person, but I loved her and accepted that as she accepted my actions the year before. And we moved passed it, even if it was on the anniversary of my mum's death.

A few more months down the line, the contact with my child stopped completely, and over the years no matter how hard I tried, for a while, I got nowhere.

My partner cheated on me a further 3 times, and in 2016 she left me for someone else. 7 weeks later we found out she was pregnant.

She told me she hadn't slept with the guy the first 2 weeks but she was 7 weeks pregnant. So we got back together. I was dating someone, someone I wanted to date for a while, but felt this was the right thing to do. If I had one chance to make it work I had to take it. I didn't miss an appointment, and I only just missed the birth. Then we did the DNA, and in the best Jeremey Kyle moment of all time, she told me she wanted a family with me regardless of the result, we would be a family and a day later, the DNA test showed that I was not the father.

I was okay for a few weeks, but I couldn't live with looking at a child that should be mine all the time whilst not being alllowed to see my own, once I said that, she left.

Then out of nowhere, my ex rings me, and I see my eldest for a while, a month or 2, before she got back with her fella and the contact stopped, again.

Then I lost my job, and had nothing. Time to rebuild, whilst being off sick for 3 years.

In that time I met someone, they were super nice and we had good times, but truthfully, I was still hung up on my ex for 2 years, and then I chose to settle. I hadn't had nice before, things were good. I thought I would finally grow to love her, and I did to some aspect, but I never fell in love.

Then one day, in February 2020, I walk into a shop and there she was. The person all these soppy love quotes are about, the person I dreamed of meeting since I was teenager, stood before my very eyes. At that point I knew I had to break up with my partner. If you look at someone else then you should not stay with the person you are with. I went in a further 3 times and every time all I could think was wow.

Then lockdown happened, and well, signs were there that my partner was pregnant. When lockdown ended in the summer, she came to mine, and low and behold, she was. 23 weeks pregnant.

We had one week to decide and we booked everything for an abortion, but, I was born at 24 weeks, so we both opted against it.

In September, I applied for a job at where the girl I always wanted to be with/find, and got it. At the same time, my partner gave birth.

I pushed my feelings to one side. They only grow when I think someone might be interested and that certainly wasn't the case. I now had a family to provide for, and that family life I always wanted with a nice, lovely, good looking girl, plus, the girl I liked and her bf both worked there, and I got on with both of them, so my feelings kind of disappeared to the back of my mind.

Then the job was made permanent, at a time when my relationship was failing, and over the course of a few months, things creeped in that made me unhappy, and I was so pissed off with myself that I just settled knowing it wasn't what I wanted. Stupid me, everything I wanted and got turned to dust, I thought being with someone nice meant that I would get the happy ending and a family life, but life doesn't work out like that.

But fate has its way sometimes. I had found my dream girl, I got the job, it was permanent, and out of all the people I worked with it was her I went to for advice, and it appeared we had similar thoughts, but also, we were both unhappy in our relationships to some extent, and I just got contact with my eldest again, for a while at least.

Then something amazing happened. She flirted. I couldn't believe it either, and then we became good friends, that helped each other out.

I spoke to my partner, told her I was unhappy, and we tried to work on it, but it got worse and my mind was made up. So I pretty much made it clear to the girl I worked with I liked her. I told her she was my type, and she seemed interested if i was gonna break up with my partner, and I was. Then I reacted to some pictures of her on her insta story, where she looked absolutely out of this world, and then suddenly we knew we had to break up with our partners.

She wanted to call a break but fate had its way again and they actually called things off, and so did I. Not to get with each other, but because we knew we were unhappy whilst being made happy by someone else. We had both checked out our relationship a while back, I guess we just forced each others hand.

Its not been a month, and I am crazy in love, but we aren't together, as much as I want that. We are taking things slow in terms of commitment and I am okay with that. I never thought I'd get this far. I only imagined we would go out on a works Christmas do or something and I might slide it in there how I feel, so the fact this all happened has been crazy.

Talking everyday, seeing each other often, and our first proper date coming up, and I am really living the dream.

But now, I haven't seen my eldest in months, and when I asked, she is 'too busy,' imagine if I said that.

Now I just get ignored often by both, and whilst I have had the month of my life, the bad is happening.

I'm now worrying its going to be 2 children I don't see, and that really would be karma for all the hurt I caused.

But at least I have you, my light in the dark times, you really really make me happy, and I have never felt like this before. Thank you for being there, and making me feel on top of the world.

Just to be shot back down by 2 people, ignoring, and making life difficult.

So is this karma, or is it bollocks.

[meagan-marie]

Six Months at Riot Games

I’ve been up all night after reading Kotaku’s article on the company culture of Riot, and its effect on women in particular. Cecilia contacted me as a potential source, but I didn’t commit to providing my experience on the record because I was worried about the ramifications of speaking out. The discourse around this conversation and the reticence to believe the women who came forward has stunned me. I’ve been carrying around a heavy weight on my shoulders since 2014, and I feel it is finally time to let it go. I only lasted six months at Riot before resigning.

In 2014, I left a job I loved and colleagues I adored to take up a post at Riot Games in Dublin. One of their recruiters had reached out to me nearly a year prior, and while I was immensely happy at my current place of work, I had always wanted to work abroad at least once in my life. I was becoming addicted to League of Legends, Riot had a history of great community-centric initiatives, and I felt that if I turned down the opportunity, I would always ask myself, “What if?”

I was initially apprehensive, as I had been told firsthand that Riot could have a “bro” culture at times. So I did my research. I asked the recruiter directly about the mysterious “culture” of Riot, and why conforming to it was so important. I even messaged a handful of women ex-Rioters to ask about their experiences. They all confirmed that Riot could have a “frat party” type atmosphere at times, but didn’t relay stories of overt sexism or harassment.

I took the job in early 2014. I sold my car, packed up all my belongings in a shipping container, committed to a long-distance relationship with my partner, and sent my cats off for the mandatory 30 days of quarantine. I fully committed, expecting to work there for several years at the minimum.

Before I detail some of what I experienced at Riot, first, let me state the obvious. The behavior below is NOT indicative of all Riot employees. The large majority of Riot employees I’ve met have been lovely, and as evidenced above, there are many people who weren’t subject to sexist behavior and harassment. That being said, from my own experiences and that of many others speaking out this week, an unacceptable number of people – primarily, but not exclusively women – have been subject to inappropriate behavior at Riot for years. It is systemic to the company’s culture and needs to be addressed as such.  

I’ve outlined some of the most notable negative encounters with Riot staff below. These don’t account for the daily microaggressions and condescending remarks that are too numerous to detail. For transparency, being four years removed from Riot has not degraded my recollection of these events. I am drawing them directly from the eight-page resignation letter I sent to Riot in August of 2014.

Content-Warning: Sexist, racist, homophobic, and transphobic language, as well as mentions of sexual assault.

At Riot, employees are encouraged to play League before/after work, or during lunch. My very first week at the Dublin office, I heard shouting from individuals playing together, calling each other “f*ggots” repeatedly. I was unnerved, but it was my first week and I didn’t know if this was a common occurrence. I didn’t say anything at that time. Eventually, the language would escalate to “n*gger”. No one flinched, and I realized it was considered the norm. Nearly the same thing happened my first day of meetings at the Riot LA office, where two men were loudly calling each other “c*cksuckers” right outside the office of the CEOs.

Soon I began to notice gendered language regularly being used among male Rioters to insult each other. Guys would tell each other “not to be such a girl” and call one another “p*ssies” quite regularly. They would casually refer to women as “b*tches” and say that “all women were crazy.” I also overheard a group discussing how a female professional made it far in the industry, suggesting she “sucked c*ck to get to the top.

My first month at Riot we had an opportunity to talk with one of the CEOs for an office-wide AMA. We were encouraged to submit questions anonymously. I submitted something that had bothered me for some time as a League player. I wondered why – other than the child characters and Yordles – nearly all the female champions had the exact same body type. The male champions were young, old, skinny, athletic, obese, handsome, monstrous, and more – they were unique and diverse. The most prevalent characteristic of female champions at the time was sex appeal. I wanted something more. I wanted to know when we would get a female equivalent of Gragas. 

The senior staff liked the question so much that they requested I ask it live, rather than anonymously. I was apprehensive at first because I was so new, but I also understood that this was an important opportunity to directly challenge someone in a position of power who could make a change. Unfortunately, the response boiled down to “giving the players what they want”, to which I rebutted that Riot was big enough to influence player perception of what characters are cool or fun to play. I was very disappointed by the response, which felt dismissive of the issue. (As a side note, I was happy to see Riot’s efforts to diversify their female champions these past few years.)

After the meeting, I realized I had put a target on my back with some of the men in the office. I didn’t even make it to my desk before a male colleague came up and told me that “women don’t want to play unattractive champions. They want to feel beautiful.” I was stunned. A woman behind us audibly laughed at the fact that he was informing us of our gender’s gaming preferences. A few male coworkers also asked why I would like to see an “unattractive” female champion, or a plus size female champion, because “no one wants to look at that.” These were several of dozens of conversations I would have on the matter.

Things only got worse the longer I stayed at Riot. I didn’t go out with colleagues after events because strip clubs seemed to be a common destination. Asking me what age I lost my virginity at was deemed appropriate conversation during a team dinner, and employees I didn’t know prodded into how my sex life worked in a long-distance relationship.

I felt out of place in my direct team as well. Our Jira sprints were named things like “thong.” I was the only woman on that particular team, and so a senior staff member named us the “Bros and Ho”.  I immediately tried to shut that down, but it was used for weeks regardless.

Rape became a punchline to jokes quite frequently, including one instance where an employee went on for several hours about how he was going to rape his male colleague, who was his hotel roommate. He was graphic in exactly how he was going to rape his roommate, who was a new hire, and it was obvious that the individual in question was extremely uncomfortable.

While on a team outing, the same senior staff member messaged a new employee’s girlfriend on Facebook asking if she was “DTF” - shorthand for “down to f*ck”. He thought it was a funny joke. The new staffer didn’t feel comfortable challenging him, even though his girlfriend was very uncomfortable and called to ask why she was being harassed by his boss.

Then came the final straw. At a work dinner, it came up that I thought I’d been paired in a hotel room with a male Rioter. It turned out to be a typo in the name, and, as was standard, I was paired with another woman. A senior staff member proceeded to repeatedly call me sexist for not being willing to room with a man I’d never met before. At first, I thought he was kidding, but he continued to make arguments to his point. I explained why I would be more comfortable sharing a room with another woman, and told him I wasn’t enjoying the conversation and would leave if I was continued to be called sexist. The conversation continued, with him eventually saying that my unwillingness to room with a man was the same as not hiring a woman due to her gender. I left the table in the middle of dinner, unwilling to take any more after six months of such behavior. I submitted my resignation shortly after.

My biggest concern with Riot – putting my own experiences behind me – is the inappropriate and sometimes predatory behavior that some staff exhibited towards fans. I frequently pushed back against comments and scenarios like these but found I was one of the few that would speak up. Rioters are often seen as celebrities with dedicated fans, and it is easy to abuse that power. 

I regularly witnessed lewd comments about women passing by at events, discussing their level of attractiveness, whether someone would sleep with them, and guessing if they were the age of consent.  

Several times I heard male employees bragging and sharing intimate details about hooking up with players at events, including a cosplayer we worked with in an official capacity. Several male colleagues even asked me to “hook them up” with cosplayers.

When I brought up the inappropriateness of a young League cosplayer having silly-string unexpectedly sprayed across her chest during a video piece by a third party – the gag being that he had ejaculated on her – I was told I was the “comedy police”.

I overheard at least a dozen employees comment on how cosplayers only make costumes for attention and ask “is this even considered a costume?” when a very famous cosplayer recreated a scantily-clad female champion. I showed them that she was one-to-one with the splash art. They begrudgingly conceded that it was an official outfit. This is obviously highly hypocritical.

At least three times Riot Dublin employees made inappropriate comments via work email about a female cosplayer’s breasts (one they regularly worked with).

While in LA, I had a week of very successful meetings with Rioters to help get a new cosplay initiative off the ground. In a recap meeting, I expressed how happy I was that we were creating such great programming for cosplayers. The senior most staff member responded with “Who wouldn’t want to work with cosplayers? Because Boobs.”

During one event, a first-time cosplayer came to our booth crying because someone had commented negatively on her weight in relation to the character. Another coworker and I consoled her for nearly 30 minutes, and she left, feeling much better. After she left, a fellow Rioter called her a “fatass” and asked why she would try to cosplay the character she chose. I was in shock but told him how inappropriate that was to say about our fans, especially those passionate enough to make and wear costumes. Cosplayers have also been called “tr*nnies” and “attention whores” by Riot employees at events.

In meetings, I was told that we shouldn’t put cosplayers on stage to play League live, because they are mostly women, and therefore not very good at the game.

Further examples of disrespect include when I argued that we shouldn’t let a cosplayer in blackface on our stage for a parade, keeping in mind that Riot is a global company. I was repeatedly called racist by my colleagues, who tried to convince me that it was an acceptable practice and I was overreacting.

This is not a comprehensive list. These were only the very specific examples I could draw from when I drafted my resignation letter at Riot. After word got out that I quit, I was contacted by several other women from the office, asking to meet. I was told more horror stories, discovering that some of them had been physically touched, cornered in shared vehicles, and faced professional retaliation for turning down advances. They asked for advice. I told them that they needed to speak up too.

The reason I didn’t share any of this before is because I felt trapped. I am not proud of myself for staying silent. After I quit, I was stranded in Ireland with my entire life in an apartment, no job, no car, and not even a cell phone, as it was immediately taken away from me once I resigned. I needed to get back to the United States somehow. Riot was my best bet, and I worried that if I didn’t agree to their mandates or went public with anything that I’d ruin my chance of getting home. After six months of near-daily misery, I was exhausted. I signed their agreements. I needed to get out. I recognize that I put myself at legal risk by disclosing my experience now. After years of regret and the thought that these practices could still be going on today, affecting countless others who also feel alone and outgunned by a company they were once excited to be a part of,  I am willing to take that risk. I want to work towards a better and more inclusive industry and show solidarity with the other women who have come forward.  

I left Riot feeling like a failure. I felt like I wasn’t tough enough to stick it out or make a positive change at the company.  I had been very public about my new adventure in Ireland, and all I could post about the return home was an agreed upon “culture fit issues’ statement to my social channels. Friends and followers could tell that something was wrong, but I couldn’t expand further.

To be clear, not everything from my time at Riot was negative. I became good friends with several of my co-workers and loved interacting with fans. Riot is a massive company that employs thousands of people. There are going to be women at the company who’ve never experienced sexism or harassment from their colleagues. I am very happy that they have found a safe working space with their particular branches or teams. That being said, these harassment-free experiences don’t invalidate the experiences of women like myself, and the dozens of others I personally met while working at Riot, who struggled with fair and respectful treatment on a daily basis.

The in-depth article on Kotaku and outpouring of other stories from both current and ex-Rioters finally gave me the courage to speak up, despite my concerns about professional or legal ramifications. I should have done this four years ago. I tried to facilitate change while working at Riot and after my departure. I’m hoping the groundswell of voices will now finally cause real, meaningful change within one of the most influential gaming companies in the world.

Two final notes:

To the many good eggs at Riot:  I’ve seen many of your posts. I understand your frustration if you have not been witness to this type of behavior, or experienced it yourself. That being said, you can support your company and the individuals who have come forward. Your anger shouldn’t be directed at the subjects of this abuse and maltreatment, but rather the individuals who perpetuated these acts in the first place. Please keep an eye out for your peers, and hold others accountable for their actions.

To young women hoping to work in gaming: Gaming can be a tough industry, but please don’t let conversations like this drive you away from pursuing your passion. The more we dissect and discuss these situations in a public forum, the more steps we take to making the industry a more inclusive place. As tough as gaming can be, it is equally welcoming and rewarding.

[grouchythefish]

The 2010s, year by year.

I was inspired by @puzzled-dragon on twitter but but would rather do this here. I did not realize this decade sucked so hard. I put this under a read more because it’s long and sad af. I did not INTENTIONALLY make this depressing but thinking to each year these ARE the things I think of first. There’s a happy ending though, I promise. If this is too long, just read the first and last year and you’ll probably get the picture. (tw: depression, self-harm, death, suicidal thoughts, car accidents, sexual assault):

2010: Went on my first plane ride to visit my brother in San Francisco! Went to my first show that summer (warped tour - Sum 41!), then My Chemical Romance in December. Started volunteering with the Teen Advisory Board at the library. This was the year I first started realizing I had some mental health issues. My grandmother, who I was very close to, passed away. I was dealing with depression and self harming and learned I have ADHD. Started questioning my sexuality.

2011: The year of the January mystery evacuation! My strongest memories of this year are the summer. went to Warped Tour again (Motion City Soundtrack and Paramore!), joined Tumblr in July. I took 2 months of summer school by choice that year during which I read the Handmaid’s Tale and had a bit of a feminist awakening. Gwen and I started our band and started doing shows together. Started questioning my gender.

2012: Started IDing as asexual. Got into urbex for a little while. Graduated high school. Went to Warped Tour for the last time. Saw Mindless Self Indulgence and had my first serious panic attack. Started a visual arts degree at York. Lived on campus and lost a lot of weight REAL fast and got VERY sick. Now that I was 18 and no longer living with my parents I finally started getting treatment for my ADHD. Realized I was agender.

2013: Started playing quidditch and getting involved with York’s Harry Potter club (Ministry of Magic) where I met @ominouspotato and @puzzled-dragon​. Realized I was bisexual. Got my first job (tim hortons) then my first apartment (A complete disaster) My depression and anxiety got real bad towards the end of this year. I did go to a lot of shows though. (Fall Out Boy and Motion City Soundtrack come to mind) Started listening to WTNV not knowing that this would absolutely be a gateway podcast for me. 

2014: Moved in with my aunt Bev (not really my aunt) in Scarborough for the first half of the year then my parents for the second half. Bought my first binder. Became a Ministry of Magic exec. Saw WTNV live. Met my (now) ex at a PATD show in Feb, we started dating in Nov. Took the via rail for the first time.  Was sexually assaulted on my first date (I have never told anyone this until right now). Rode the go train a lot. Started trying to change my major to Digital Media.

2015: Moved back in with my aunt Bev and lived there for the whole year. (At the time I hated it but in retrospect she was real cool about a lot of stuff) Saw Motion City Soundtrack for the third and final time :’(. This is the year @ghirahims-left-shoe​ and I met Frank Iero and Gerard Way (who said my drawing were awesome!!!!!) Moved into the Forest Hill apartment (a mistake). Realized university was going nowhere for me. Saw WTNV live again.

2016: Dropped out of York and started at Seneca for Interactive Media Design. My (now) ex moved in with me and my roommates and shit hit the fan which resulted in us packing up and moving back to my home town (Cue the worst 3 years of my life) Got my G2 and started driving regularly, got in my first car accident. I worked 6 different jobs this year. My tax return was hell. I started getting really into podcasts this year.

2017: Started off real fucking depressed over the US election and somehow ended up turning to mbmbam to cope (a mutual on tumblr suggested it and I wish I remembered who so I could thank them for changing my life). Commuted to Toronto 5 days a week this whole year. Got engaged. Bought my first car in August (a beige impala). Had my first car written off in November when someone rear ended me on the 400. Bought my red elantra that I still have now. Joined the MBMBAM Gaming Server when I was at a very low point that fall and it was a god send - met some really really good friends though this. Joined roller derby. First realized I was in an abusive relationship.

2018: Got in another car accident. Quit my job in Toronto because I couldn’t handle the commute anymore after getting in 2 accidents in the same winter. Traveled to Detroit to see mbmbam live. Went through a YMCA employment program, which is how I got the most soulless job ever - but it was a short commute, looked great on my resume, and paid okay so I sucked it up. My depression and anxiety got worse and worse and I kept ignoring it, kept thinking if I just acted like things were fine they eventually would be (fake it til you make it is bullshit btw). Tried to leave my fiance a handful of times but never could. Tried and failed many many times to pass the roller derby minimum skills test. Started isolating myself more and more from my irl friends. My laptop kicked the bucket in August and I couldn’t afford to replace it.

2019 (Jan-Aug): In March I both got my dream job and went on my first big trip (New Orleans to visit my brother)! Got my first tattoo in July. My depression didn’t go away, though. I quit roller derby. A few doctor’s visits and many different ADHD medication trials later I found myself at my lowest point. I wasn’t sleeping but I also struggled to get out of bed. I felt like work was the only thing I could do so it was all I did and my anxiety only fueled this further. I thought that there was no one in the world who cared about me. I saw myself as a problem to the people around me. Something that needed to be removed. I was researching what pills I could overdose on and how many it would take and I started making real plans to kill myself in September. 

Spoiler: I didn’t! 

2019 (Sept-Dec): I saw a new doctor, took a break from work, and started on anti-depressants for the first time ever. Everything changed. I traveled to Buffalo to meet friends from the mbmbam gaming server and had online friends come to Barrie to visit me. I reconnected with my university friends after 2 years of self-isolation and we see each other regularly now. I went on my first solo trip to visit Gwen in BC and we are starting a podcast together (!!!). I found out my friends are also doing podcasts! I started working on having a better relationship with my siblings (we’re not there yet but making progress). I started coming out to people irl as agender for the first time and requesting they use my chosen name and pronouns. I replaced my laptop and started making art again! I applied for a bunch of zines and got into one! I finally worked up the strength to break up with my fiance for real. Just in these last few months I’ve made more new friends and spent more time with them than in the last 3 years put together. (If you are one of those new friends, I’m sorry if I’m weird or awkward, or say too much or too little or just the wrong things, I got used to not having friends and genuinely don’t remember how to be around people. Please be patient with me, I’m trying to get better.)

2020: I just had the first new years eve in a decade where I felt I was ending the year better than I started it. Things aren’t perfect (I still need my ex to move out, I still live in a town that makes me depressed, I’m still not out to my family, I’m still looking for a therapist) but for the first time in a long time, I’m looking forward to the future.

[dramioneficindex]

Dramione Fic Index ~ Title H

Title: Hair Author: imera Rating: G/K Genre(s): Romance Chapters: 1 Word Count: 3,500 Summary: His whole life was over because he was going bald and none of the potions he tried had a lasting effect. Then he heard about a new potion, but there was a catch: it was still in the testing stage, and he would have to go in for regular check-ups, and—worst of all—a certain witch was in charge of the project. Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, EWE Fest/Exchange: dramione_duet Published: November 14, 2014  Themes: Apologies [Draco], Healer/Patient [Healer: Hermione; Patient: Draco] Draco: Broody, Divorced, Redeemed  Hermione: Healer

Title: Halfblood or Nothing Author: CharleeBleu Rating: T Genre(s): Family, Humour Chapters: 1 Word Count: 6,369 Summary: He was a Slytherin, after all and the survival of his own was what he held as his highest priority. He’d take a Halfblood over nothing at all. Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, EWE Published: January 9, 2014 Relationship: Boyfriend/Girlfriend Pregnancy/Children: Children Names [Scorpius], Pregnancy/Child Birth Themes: Endearments/Pet Names Draco: Redeemed Hermione: Bossy, Feisty Locations: St. Mungo’s Friendships: Draco & Blaise, Hermione & Daphne, Hermione & Pansy Characters: George Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson, Ron Weasley

Title: Hallelujah Indeed Author: naarna Rating: PG-13 Genre(s): Romance Chapters: 1 Word Count: 5,400 Summary: After a love spell has gone wrong, Draco shows up in Hermione’s bedroom every night for a week. Investigations into this matter lead to revelations both never expected… Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War Fest/Exchange: hp_drizzle Alternate Links: AO3 Published: September 3, 2016 Completed: September 3, 2016  Themes: Curses and Spells [Love Spells], Banter, Draco kisses Hermione to shut her up, Secret Feelings Draco: Snarky, Ministry Worker Hermione: Feisty, Auror Locations: Hermione’s Flat/House 

Title: Halo Author: margaritama  Rating: M Genre(s): Angst, Gneral Chapters: 1 Word Count: 1,892 Summary: He was alone and broken. No one saw him. Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, EWE Published: May 22, 2009 Themes: Alcohol/Drinking Locations: The Leaky Cauldron Warnings: Mild Profanity

Title: Hanging On Author: eau_bleu Rating: G Genre(s): Drama, Romance Chapters: 1 Word Count: 3,068 Summary: Draco turned spy with Hermione Granger as his contact almost immediately after the the Golden Trio’s escape from Malfoy Manor when they were brought there by Snatchers . Only Hermione and Andromeda Tonks know of Draco’s position. Draco went to his aunt first, who contacted Hermione at Shell Cottage, on Draco’s behalf. They meet in secret at a safe house, a very small cottage belonging to the late Ted Tonks’ family. The cabin is located in Ireland. Status: Complete Timeline: War Fest/Exchange: Otter and Ferret Published: April 21, 2012 Relationship: Friendship Themes: Azkaban, Songfic, Travel [Dingle, Ireland] Draco: Order Member, Redeemed Hermione: Order Member Characters: Andromeda Tonks Character Birthdays: Draco, Hermione

Title: Happily Divorced Author: writerspassion18 Rating: M Genre(s): Romance, Humor, Family   Chapters: 31 Word Count: 102,558  Summary: A hug here. A kiss on the forehead there. Nothing bad could come out of being on good terms with your ex, right?  Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War Published: October 19, 2016  Completed: February 11 2017 Relationship: Divorced Pregnancy/Children: Children [Cassie, Lyra, Scorpius] Themes: Past Relationship, Friendship, Quidditch, Dates, Jealousy [Draco and Hermione], Next Gen, Slytherin Friendship, Denial of Feelings, Accidental Pregnancy, One Night Stand, Draco cheats with Hermione, Weddings, Lingerie Draco: Romantic Hermione: Ministry Worker Side Pairings: Harry/Ginny, Blaise/Pansy, Theo/Daphne, Draco/Astoria Friendships: Hermione & Ginny, Draco & Blaise, Hermione & Ron, Hermione & Harry, Draco & Ginny, Draco & Theo,  Characters: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Blaise Zabini, Theo Nott, Daphne Greengrass, Original Character, Astoria Greengrass, Pansy Parkinson, Narcissa Malfoy, Grangers Warnings: Explicit Sexual Situations 

Title: Happily Ever After Author: Emily North  Rating: K   Genre(s): Romance, Fluff Chapters: 1 Word Count: 3,712 Summary: Draco’s favorite fairy tale. Pure cotton candy DHr fluff! Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, AU Published: February 15, 2005 Relationship: Already Married Pregnancy/Children: Children Names [Beatrice], Pregnancy/Child Birth Themes: Endearments/Pet Names, Fairytales Draco: Business Man, Redeemed

Title: Happy Birthday Harry Author: black wolfgirl2722  Rating: M Genre(s): Romance, Family Chapters: 2 Word Count: 4,134 Summary: It’s Harry’s birthday and the Weasley’s and Hermione are happy to celebrate with him one more time. Having a certain ex-Slytherin around this time though has left Hermione a little distracted and wanting. A little together time surrounded by all these Weasley’s is just what the doctor ordered. PWP Dramione Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, Semi-Epilogue Compliant Published: July 21, 2012 Completed: August 1, 2013 Relationship: Enaged/Married (at some point) Pregnancy/Children: Children Names [Ariana, Orion] Locations: The Burrow Side Pairings: Harry/Ginny Characters: Ginny Weasley, Scorpius Malfoy Character Birthdays: Harry

Title: Happy Birthday, Draco Author: AnneM.Oliver Rating: M Genre(s): Romance, Humor Chapters: 1 Word Count: 4,665 Summary: Draco is not at all happy about turning 30 years old and he figures if he is miserable, everyone else should be as well.  Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, EWE Published: June 29, 2008 Relationship: Boyfriend/Girlfriend Pregnancy/Children: Pregnancy/Child Birth Themes: Co-workers/Office/Partners Draco: Auror, Witty Hermione: Ministry Employee, Witty Locations: Ministry of Magic Side Pairings: Theo/Pansy Character Birthdays: Draco  Warnings: Alternate Universe, Lemons(Extreme Smut), Limes(Mild Smut)

Title: Happy Birthday To Me (Chocolate Cake and Wildflowers) Author: naarna Rating: T Genre(s): Romance, Fluff, Chapters: 1 Word Count: 2,831 Summary: It’s Hermione’s 40th birthday, but everyone else is either on a vacation trip or buried in work, so she decides to celebrate it with a candlelight dinner just for herself. However, an unexpected visitor turns the evening into something worth remembering. Status: Completed Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War Fest/Exchange: H&V If The Prompt Fits Published: February 14, 2018 Relationship: Friends and Co-Workers Themes: Secret Feelings, Surprises, Confessions, Co Workers Office Partners, Friendship Draco: Ministry Worker, Widowed, Redeemed Hermione: Ministry Worker, Divorced Characters: Rose Weasley Character Birthdays: Hermione Character Point of View/POV: Hermione

Title: Happy Christmas, Draco Author: dceptivenocence  Rating: NC-17 Genre(s): Romance, Fluff Chapters: 1 Word Count: 1,793 Summary: Snowball fights, flaming mistletoe, and teasing touches -the things that make life worth living. Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, AU Holiday: Christmas/New Years Published: December 19, 2005 Relationship: Boyfriend/Girlfriend  Themes: Endearments/Pet Names, Events/Celebration [Party] Draco: Redeemed Locations: Malfoy Manor Characters: Harry Potter

Title: Happy UnValentine’s Day Author: kimmiecub1595 Rating: T Genre(s): Romance, Humor Chapters: 1 Word Count: 2,860 Summary: Hermione and Draco are both having a typical, bitter, lonely Valentine’s Day. But can they change that by the end of the night? Rated T for really mild language. The party theme is inspired by the movie ‘Valentine’s Day’. Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War Holiday: Valentine’s Published: August 3, 2010 Relationship: Breakup/Together Again Locations: The Three Broomsticks Side Pairings: Harry/Ginny, Blaise/Pansy, Neville/Luna Friendships: Draco & Blaise, Draco & Pansy, Hermione & Harry, Hermione & Ron Characters: Blaise Zabini, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Pansy Parkinson

Title: Have Mercy Author: blackkisbackk Rating: M Genre(s): Romance/Drama Chapters: 19 Word Count: 83,737 Summary: “I’ll have Granger begging to be in my bed within the month. Mark my words.” “Care to put your money where your mouth is?” At St. Mungo’s, Draco meets Hermione, a new psychiatrist at his hospital. After being forced to work together on a battered woman, feelings develop, but things get complicated when Draco makes a dangerous bet. Non-magic AU. Also HP/GW. Status: Complete Timeline: Non-magic AU. (Both are doctors. Draco is a surgeon, Hermione is a phychaitrist. Set in L.A., USA) Published: March 3, 2012  Completed: July 7, 2012 Draco: Doctor, Snarky Hermione: Doctor Side Pairings: Harry/Ginny Friendships: Draco and Blaise Characters: Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Michael Corner, Minerva McGonagall, Rolanda Hooch Warnings: Abuse/Rape

Title: Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, Granger Author: AnneM.Oliver  Rating: K+ Genre(s): Romance Chapters: 1 Word Count: 5,765 Summary: Hermione feels like a scrooge this year, and doesn’t even care about Christmas, but will someone make her Christmas wish come true? Draco  wants her to be his Christmas wish, and let’s face it, Draco Malfoy always gets what he wants. Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War Holiday: Christmas/New Year’s Published: December 13, 2007 Themes: Co-workers/Office/Partners, Events/Celebrations [Ball] Draco: Redeemed Locations: Hermione’s Flat/House, Ministry of Magic

Title: He Is Love Author: ashleyfanfic Rating: M Genre(s): Fluff, Romance Chapters: 1 Word Count: 6,110 Summary: Hermione has a very bad day and Draco makes it all better. Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-war Published: March 26, 2011 Relationship: Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Engagement Themes: Endearments, Injuries [Hermione gets injured], Insecurity, Muggle Life, Roommates/Housemates Draco: Redeemed

Title: Head Games Author: Miss Fantastic Rating: NC-17 Genre(s): Fluff, Humor Chapters: 22 Word Count: 38,511 Summary: Inspired by the cliché challenge, Draco Malfoy is made Head Boy and is horrified to find that Hermione Granger is Head Girl.  Draco decides the only thing that would make the situation bearable is to seduce the little know-it-all.  He comes up with a foolproof plan - but does he really know the Gryffindor Princesses as well as he thinks?  At least Draco can control every detail of the seduction - or does he? Status: Complete Timeline: Year 7, AU Published: September 14, 2012  Completed: November 19, 2012 Themes: Baths/Showers, Bets/Wagers, Cuddling/Spooning, Endearments/Pet Names, Events/Celebration [Ball], Flirting, Head Boy/Head Girl, Jealousy, Quidditch/Flying, Sharing a Bed Draco: Manipulative, Snarky Hermione: Bossy, Feisty, Know-It-All Locations: Heads’ Common Room, Hogsmeade, Quidditch Pitch, The Three Broomsticks Side Pairings: Harry/Ginny Friendships: Draco & Blaise, Hermione & Narcissa Characters: Astoria Greengrass, Blaise Zabini, Daphne Greengrass, Fred Weasley, George Weasley, Harry Potter, Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa Malfoy, Ron Weasley, Theodore Nott, Viktor Krum Warnings: Coarse Language, Lemons(Extreme Smut), Limes(Mild Smut)

Title: Head Girl Author: jess_lovecat Rating: MA/NC-17 Genre(s): Plot? What Plot? Chapters: 13 Word Count: 11,444 Summary: Hermione witnesses something that arouses her. curiosity. Status: Complete Timeline: Year 7 Published: December 10, 2003 Completed: July 22, 2005 Themes: Apologies [Draco], Baths/Showers, Head Boy/Head Girl, Imperius Curse [Draco uses it], Magical Items [Jewellery], Massages [Hermione massages Draco], Sharing a Bed Hermione: Blushing Virgin, Feisty Locations: Gryffindor Tower, Hogsmeade, Slytherin Dungeons Friendships: Hermione & Ginny Characters: Ginny Weasley, Gregory Goyle, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Theodore Nott Featured Holidays: Christmas/New Year’s Warnings: non-con

Title: Head Over Feet Author: Lucky-Stars-3345 Rating: K+ Genre(s): Romance, Humor Chapters: 1 Word Count: 4,996 Summary: It’s Hermione’s 21st birthday, and Draco has some surprises in store Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War  Published: April 24, 2005 Relationship: Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Engagement Themes: Endearments/Pet Names, Letters, Songfic Draco: Redeemed Side Pairings: Blaise/Ginny Friendships: Draco & Blaise, Hermione & Ginny Characters: Blaise Zabini, Ginny Wealsey Character Birthdays: Hermione  Warnings: OOC

Title: Head to Head Author: malfoymaiden Rating: M Genre(s): Romance, Humor Chapters: 15 Word Count: 55,375 Summary: Head duties, planning balls, patrolling, bickering: normal behavior. Kissing in closets, dancing, snogging the DADA teacher, becoming friends: ? It’s everyone’s favorite Head Boy and Girl!  Status: Complete Timeline: Year 7, AU Published: June 4, 2009  Themes: Alcohol/Drinking, Amortentia, Games/Challenge/Dares [Games], Events/Celebration [Ball, Party], Forced Partnership/Together, Head Boy/Head Girl, Jealousy, Sharing a Bed Draco: Draco’s Feelings Hermione: Feisty, Makeover Locations: Heads’ Common Room, Potions Class, Room of Requirement Side Pairings: Blaise/Ginny, Narcissa/Original Character Friendships: Draco & Blaise, Hermione & Harry, Hermione & Ginny Characters: Albus Dumbledore, Blaise Zabini, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Lavender Brown, Minerva McGonagall, Narcissa Malfoy, Original characters, Padma Patil,Pansy Parkinson, Parvati Patil, Ron Weasley, Severus Snape, Theodore Nott Character Birthdays: Hermione  Featured Holidays: Halloween, Christmas/New Year’s

Title: Healed Author: enter-a-world-entirely-our-own Rating: M Genre(s): Romance, Hurt/Comfort Chapters: 47 Word Count: 108,216 Summary: It’s four years after the war and Hermione is broken and still having nightmares. Draco is cold and lonely and the only person that means something in his life is nearly taken away from him. With Hermione’s help he may just start living again. Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War Published: December 14, 2011  Completed: June 20, 2012 Relationship: Engaged/Married (at some point) Pregnancy/Children: Children Names [Cassiopeia, Leo, Ara, Scorpius, Lyra], Pregnancy/Child Birth Themes: Apologies [Hermione], Meet the Parents, Nightmares [Draco and Hermione], Weddings [Harry/Ginny] Draco: Business Man Hermione: Birthhday, Healer Locations: Grimmauld Place, Hermione’s Flat/House, Malfoy Manor, St. Mungo’s, The Burrow Side Pairings: Hermione/Original Character, Harry/Ginny, Ron/Pansy, Blaise/Luna Friendships: Draco & Blaise, Hermione & Ginny Characters: Arthur Weasley, Blaise Zabini, Ginny Weasley, Grangers [Greg and Jane], Harry Potter, Molly Weasley, Narcissa Malfoy, Original Character, Pansy Parkinson, Ron Weasley, Teddy Lupin, Voldemort Character Deaths: Lucius Malfoy

Title: Healing Scars  Author: mintlumos  Rating: K+ Genre(s): Friendship, Romance Chapters: 15 Word Count: 31,549  Summary: It’s two years after the War has ended. Draco finds himself caught up into the lives of the Potter Gang again thanks to Teddy Tonks. As a healer in training, he is working on a scar healing potion and gets help from an old childhood enemy. Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War Published: August 19, 2017 Completed: September 10, 2017 Pregnancy/Children: Child [Scorpius] Themes: Friendship, Nightmares [Draco], Hermone’s Patronus, Research, Psychological Trauma [Draco has panic attacks], Alcohol, Potions,  Draco: Healer, Broody Hermione: Know-It-All Locations: Malfoy Manor, Grimmauld Place, Hermione’s Flat/House, St. Mungo’s Side Pairings: Harry/Ginny Friendships: Hermione & Ginny, Hermione & Harry, Draco & Harry, Draco & Andromeda Characters: Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, Andromeda Tonks, Teddy Lupin, Original Characters  Featured Holidays: Christma 

Title: Healing the Wounds Author: SnarkyWench Rating: MA/NC-17 Genre(s): Angst, Romance Chapters: 5 Word Count: 39,161 Summary: Fate drops an opportunity to aid a former schoolmate on Hermione’s doorstep — a wounded Slytherin who needs more than physical healing. Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, AU [Compliancy: HBP] Published: October 13, 2005 Completed: October 19, 2005 Categories/Themes Themes: Cooking/Baking [Hermionecooks], Injuries [Draco], Siblings/Step-family [Draco has a half-sister] Draco: Redeemed, Snarky Hermione: Healer Locations: Hermione’s Flat/House Friendships: Hermione & Harry Characters: Harry Potter, Narcissa Malfoy, Severus Snape

Title: Heart and Soul Author: TassanaBurrfoot Rating: M Genre(s): Romance, Fantasy Chapters: 26 Word Count: 69,473 Summary: Dear Miss Granger, I understand and sympathize with you, however there is very little else I can do. While I know how difficult Mr. Malfoy can be, you are his last hope… Sincerely, Albus Dumbledore  Status: Complete Timeline: Year 6, Year 7, War Alternate Links: AFF Published: October 4, 2007  Completed: October 23, 2007 Relationship: Engaged/Married (At Some Point), Forbidden Love/Secret Relationship Pregnancy/Children: Children Names [Evangelon Gwendolyn, Scorpius], Pregnancy/Child Birth Themes: Apologies [Draco], Dancing, Endearments/Pet Names, Events/Celebrations [Party], Injuries [Draco], Jealousy, Magical Item [Jewellery], Muggle Life, Sharing a Bed Draco: Head Boy [Head Girl: Padma Patil], Snarky, Virgin Hermione: Blushing Virgin, Bossy, Emotional, Feisty, Know-It-All Locations: Grimmauld Place, Malfoy Manor, Room of Requirement Side Pairings: Lucius/Narcissa, Blaise/Padma, Harry/Ginny, Ron/Luna Friendships: Draco & Blaise, Draco & Padma, Draco & Snape, Draco & Luna, Hermione & Harry, Hermione & Ron Characters: Bellatrix Lestrange, Blaise Zabini,Dean Thomas, Garrick Ollivander, Grangers [Henry & Amy], Gregory Goyle, Harry Potter, Lucius Malfoy, Luna Lovegood, Moaning Myrtle, Narcissa Malfoy, Padma Patil, Ron Weasley, Seamus Finnigan, Severus Snape, Vincent Crabbe Character Birthdays: Draco, Hermione  Feaured Holdays: Christmas/New Year’s Sequel: InLaws - M, 21 chapters - The sequel to my story Heart and Soul. Prison puts a damper in Draco and Hermione’s plans for a dream wedding. Can Hermione release Draco and his father so she may have her wedding? Or will the tides of prejudice put an end to her fantasy?

Title: Heart in the Whole Author: floorcoaster Rating: G Genre(s): Romance, Fluff Chapters: 1 Word Count: 4,956 Summary: Draco pulls Hermione’s name for a Secret Santa exchange. Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, EWE Holiday: Christmas/New Years Fest/Exchange: dhr_advent Published: November 20, 2012 December 18, 2012  Themes: Hogwarts Professors, Magical Creatures Draco: Hogwarts Professor, Redeemed Hermione: Hogwarts Professor [Teaches Arithmancy]

Title: Heart of the Phoenix Author: I M Sterling  Rating: M Genre(s): Romance, Friendship Chapters: 13 Word Count: 34,228 Summary: Years after Hogwarts, a widowed Hermione Granger Weasley is surprised to see Draco Malfoy walk into her office. What in the name of Merlin could a St. Mungo’s Medical Curse Breaker need from her?  Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, Epilogue Compliant Published: May 28, 2012  Completed: June 20, 2012 Relationship: Engaged/Married (at some point) Pregnancy/Children: Children Names [Lyra, Cassiopeia] Themes: Alcohol/Drinking, Endearments/Pet Names Draco: Curse-Breaker, Draco’s Patronus [Dragon], Healer, Redeemed Hermione: Widow Locations: Draco’s Flat/House, King’s Cross Station, Malfoy Manor, St. Mungo’s, The Leaky Cauldron Side Pairings: Harry/Ginny, Neville/Luna Characters: Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Hugo Weasley, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Lucius Malfoy, Luna Lovegood, Narcissa Malfoy, Rose Weasley, Scorpius Malfoy Character Deaths: Ron Weasley

Title: Heart’s Reflection Author: Ekko Rayne Rating: T Genre(s): Romance, Drama Chapters: 1 Word Count: 13,854 Summary: Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi..I show not your face but your heart’s desire..Reflections of rivals are their heart’s truest desires. As they come to realize the love they could have they must fight to keep it as others see fit to destroy it. Status: Complete Timeline: Year 6 Published: November 25, 2011 Relationship: Forbidden Love/Secret Relationship Themes: Injuries [Draco], Mirror of Erised, Quidditch/Flying, Sharing Clothing Locations: Great Hall, Room of Requirement Side Pairings: Ron/Lavender Characters: Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa Malfoy, Rubeus Hagrid, Ron Weasley

Title: Heartbreak: A History Author: pink_flame_87/I Can Spell Confusion With a K Rating: PG Genre(s): Hurt/Comfort, Romance Chapters: 1 Word Count: 6,784 Summary: Hermione is writing the history of the war and everything that led up  to it. But with only two people left to interview, her own life is slowly falling apart. Will one of her subjects be able to help her? Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, EWE Fest/Exchange: dmhgficexchange Published: October 12, 2008 Themes: Travel [France] Draco: Broody, Redeemed Hermione: Bossy, Feisty, Writer Locations: Draco’s Flat/House, Hotel Characters: Original Characters

Title: Heartstrings Author: crimsinsky Rating: M Genre(s): Romance, Fluff, Family, Drama Chapters: 55 Word Count: 69,872 Summary: Hermione is studying to become a healer, her time after the war has left her and many others trying to assemble their lives. When she is assigned to care for a patient, her life get’s turned around. Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War Published: June 22, 2017 Completed: May 5, 2019 Pregnancy/Children: Children [Scorpius, Cordelia, Narcissa] Themes: Magical Creatures [Werewolf, House Elf], Healer/Patient, Cooking and Baking, Flying, Friendship, Disguises, Nightmares [Hermione], Sharing a Bed, Pureblood Traditions, News and Gossip, Proposals, Weddings, Kidnapping and Imprisonment [Hermione], Pregnancy Draco: Werewolf, Broody, Potions Master, Protective and Possessive Hermione: Healer, Compassionate, Campaigner Locations: Malfoy Manor Side Pairings: Harry/Ginny, Ron/OC Friendships: Hermione & Ginny, Hermione & Harry, Hermione & Ron, Draco & Theo, Characters: Narcissa Malfoy, Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, Teddy Lupin, Andromeda Tonks, Ron Weasley, Original Character, Percy Weasley, Bill Weasley, Charlie Weasley, George Weasley, Theo Nott, Blaise Zabini, Lucius Malfoy Anti-Characters: Anti-Lucius Pro-Characters: Pro-Narcissa Featured Holidays: Christmas, New Year’s Additional Notes: Characters are OOC, Warnings: Mentions of Suicide, Torture

Title: Heat Author: LynstHolin Rating: M Genre(s): Romance, Drama Chapters: 1 Word Count: 2,100 Summary: When Hermione returns to Hogwarts after the war, things heat up in more ways than one. Status: Complete Timeline: Year 8 Published: September 5, 2011 Relationship: Adultery/Cheating [Hermione cheats with Draco] Draco: Snarky Hermione: Bossy Locations: Black Lake Side Pairings: Hermione/Ron Characters: Pansy Parkinson, Ron Weasley

Title: Heaven Forbid Author: empathapathique Rating: NC-17/MA Genre(s): Angst, Romance Chapters: 3 Word Count: 15,285 Summary: She held the Muggle pregnancy test limply in her hands, and the red plus sign glared at Draco dauntingly, his very own monster come to wreak havoc in his world Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, EWE Fest/Exchange: dmhgficexchange Alternate Links: AO3 Published: November 1, 2008 Relationship: Breakup/Back Together Pregnancy/Children: Accidental Pregnancy, Pregnancy/Child Birth Themes: Epiphany, Jealousy, Love Triangle, Misunderstandings Draco: Boyfriend, Broody, Redeemed Hermione: Emotional, Girlfriend, Know-it-all, Pregnant Side Pairings: Harry/Pansy, Ron/Hermione, Dean/Ginny Characters: Ron Weasley Warnings: Sensitive Issues, Mention of abortion

Title: Heaven’s So Far Away  Author: MegSamadhi  Rating: M  Genre(s): Romance, Angst  Chapters: 25  Word Count: 50,312  Summary: He could feel her fingers softly tracing the mark on his arm. He hated that she was touching him there. He wanted to be more to her than that decision had made of him. He wanted more choices than it had allowed him. He wanted her.  Status: Complete  Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War  Alternate Links: AO3  Published: September 23, 2017 Completed: October 23, 2017 Relationship: Getting Together, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Engaged/Married   Pregnancy/Children: Children Names [Scorpius, Rose]  Themes: Injuries, Jealousy, Magical Creatures, Weddings, Honeymoon, Stuck Together, Insecurity, Draco’s Dark Mark, Azkaban, Rescue [Draco rescues Hermione]   Draco: Redeemed, Snarky, Business Man, Possessive/Protective  Hermione: Know-It-All, Healer, Emotional  Locations: Hogwarts, St. Mungo’s, Malfoy Manor, Ministry of Magic, Hermione & Draco’s Flat/House  Side Pairings: Harry/Ginny, Hermione/Ron, Bill/Fleur  Friendships: Hermione & Harry, Draco & Harry  Characters: Harry Potter, Minerva McGonagall, Blaise Zabini, Lavender Brown, Neville Longbottom, Terry Boot, Ginny Weasley, Kreacher, Ron Weasley, Anthony Goldstein, Penelope Clearwater, Fleur Delacour, Parvati Patil, Bill Weasley, Original Character  Character Deaths: Terry  Warnings: Mentions of torture

Title: Heavy Lies the Crown Author: floorcoaster Rating: M Genre(s): Mystery, Romance Chapters: 36 Word Count: 279,419 Summary: Canst thou, O partial sleep, give thy repose To the wet sea-boy in an hour so rude, And in the calmest and most stillest night, With all appliances and means to boot, Deny it to a king? Then happy low, lie down! Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. // For seven years, Draco has carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, and just when he thinks he’ll be released, something happens that will make him seek help from the last person he could have imagined. Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, EWE Alternate Links: ff.net Published: January 16, 2009  Completed: February 11, 2011 Relationship: Engaged/Married (at some point), Fake Relationship, Friendship Themes: Alcohol/Drinking, Apologies [Draco and Hermione], Blackmail, Contracts/Deals, Cooking/Baking [Draco cooks], Dancing, Dates, Events/Celebrations [Parties], Jealousy [Draco and Hermione], Love Triangle [Draco/Hermione/Charlie], Meet the Parents, News/Gossip, Pensieves [Draco and Hermione], Psychological Trauma/Disorders [Hermione has panic attacks], Quidditch/Flying, Scars [Draco’s Dark Mark/scars], Siblings [Draco has a sister], Speaking Another Language [Draco speaks French], Travel [Paris, France] Draco: Business Man, Quidditch Player [Chaser], Redeemed Hermione: Emotional, Feisty, Hogwarts Professor [Teaches Arithmancy/Head of Slytherin House], Researcher Locations: Diagon Alley, Hogsmeade, Hogwarts, Malfoy Manor, Other Bars/Pubs/Clubs, Other Restaurant, The Burrow, The Three Broomsticks Side Pairings: Harry/Ginny, Hermione/Charlie, Goyle/Pansy, Bill/Fleur, Luna/Original Character Friendships: Draco & Goyle, Draco & Pansy, Draco & Harry, Draco & Ron, Draco & the Weasleys, Hermione & Harry, Hermione & Ginny,  Hermione & Ron, Hermione & Charlie, Hermione & Blaise Characters: Arthur Weasley, Bill Weasley, Blaise Zabini, Charlie Weasley, Fleur Delacour, George Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Grangers [Thomas and Elizabeth], Gregory Goyle, Harry Potter, Lucius Malfoy, Luna Lovegood, Minerva McGonagall, Molly Weasley, Narcissa Malfoy, Original Characters, Pansy Parkinson, Rabastan Lestrange, Rita Skeeter, Rodolphus Lestrange, Ron Weasley, Theodore Nott Character Birthdays: Hermione  Featured Holidays: Christmas Warnings: Implicit Sexual Situations, Unresolved Sexual Tension

Title: Heavy Losses, New Beginnings Author: LoveBugOC Rating: M Genre(s): Romance, Angst Chapters: 2 Word Count: 8,367 Summary: [She lost a child. He lost a child as well as his wife.] Dramione. Rated M for subject matter. Two-parter. Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, EWE Published: October 26, 2012 Relationship: Already Married Pregnancy/Children: Children - Scorpius, Pregnancy Difficulties [Miscarriage] Draco: Business Man, Redeemed Friendships: Draco & Blaise Characters: Blaise Zabini

Title: Hell and High Water Author: Misdemeanor1331 Rating: MA Genre(s): Action, Adventure, Angst, Drama, Romance Chapters: 3 Word Count: 22,369 Summary: Life’s choices are unfair, difficult, and occasionally impossible. But to stand in inaction is to perish, and to perish is to fail. What determines survival, and ultimately success, is one’s ability to adapt to the consequences of the action taken, regardless of whether it’s right or wrong. Status: Complete Timeline: Post-Hogwarts/Post-War, EWE Fest/Exchange: dramione_remix Published: September 23, 2011 Relationship: Elopement Pregnancy/Children: Children - Other Names [Demetrius Logan], Pregnancy/Child Birth Themes: Betrayal/Deception, Literature, Travel [Greece; Russia] Draco: Business Man, Emotional, Redeemed Hermione: Bossy, Campaigner, Emotional, Ministry Employee Locations: Malfoy Manor, Ministry of Magic Side Pairings: Harry/Ginny, Ron/Lavender, Neville/Luna, George/Angelina Characters: Alecto Carrow, Amycus Carrow, Harry Potter, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Narcissa Malfoy, Original Character, Ron Weasley Warnings: Explicit Sexual Situations, Graphic Violence, Strong Profanity

Title: Help Me Help You Author: HermioneWinchester21 Rating: M Genre(s): Drama, Romance Chapters: 20 Word Count: 32,415  Summary: AU. Set in Victorian England, Hermione’s reputation has taken a substantial blow. A damaging and false rumor has spread that Hermione did more than provide information to Harry during the battle with Tom Riddle. How will she fix her reputation, and how does Draco Malfoy fit into that solution? Rated M for future chapters. Status: Complete Timeline: Victorian Era, Historical Era, AU Published: September 4, 2016 Completed: December 24, 2016 Relationship: Marriage of Convenience  Pregnancy/Children: Children [Scorpius, Lyra, Unborn Twins] Themes: Flashbacks, Events and Celebrations, Dancing, News and Gossip, Contracts and Deals, Magical Creatures [House Elves], Secret Feelings, Illness [Draco has a cold], Royalty, Kidnaping and Imprisonment [Hermione], Magical Items [Jewellery], Injuries [Hermione],  Draco: Snarky, Compassionate, Romantic Hermione: Feisty, Know It All, Virgin,  Locations: Malfoy Manor Side Pairings: Harry/Luna, Blaise/Ginny, Theo/Pansy Friendships: Hermione & Harry, Hermione & Ron, Hermione & Ginny    Characters: Grangers, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Sirius Black, Neville Longbottom, Narcissa Malfoy, Luna Lovegood, Original Characters, Blaise Zabini, Theo Nott, Daphne Greengrass, Pansy Parkinson  Anti-Characters: Anti-Ron Additional Notes: Harry and Draco are cousins. Warnings: Explicit Sexual Situations, Non-con, Forced Kissing 

[biancamlopez-blog]

Relationships.

Welcome to my first blog post! 

The relationships we forge with others and the strength of them define who we are. I am passionate about every important relationship I create with others, and am thankful for everyone I have crossed paths with. The following are the relationships I have in my life, in no particular order of importance.

God

My relationship with God and my faith have wavered in the past because of some dark places that I have been in, which will be explored here briefly and in great length in another post. If you know me or follow me through social platforms, you know that I am currently prepping for a bikini competition this July and I’ve turned to the Lord for strength, will, and perseverance. His will be done in every part of my life and I trust in Him completely for the plan he has for my life. 

My Father

My father is a former Marine, former police officer, and former immigration officer, so he’s always been a man of strong character and great physical strength. My dad was sooooo hard on me growing up. I used to hate how my friends had certain privileges that I didn’t during my childhood and adolescence, such as staying out late, going certain places, or doing certain things. As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to appreciate the values he’s instilled in me. He taught me how to work hard, give my all in everything I pursue, and now that I’ve become independent, he is now teaching me the ropes about how to be a successful woman. My dad is the ultimate example of the type of man I want to be with someday. He’s provided, protected, and professed his love and commitment to my mother, my brother and myself and I admire him to no end.

My Mother

My mother and I could not be more opposite from each other. We carry ourselves differently, have staunch political differences, and can sometimes drive each other a little crazy! But one thing I know for sure is that she is always there to lend a helping hand with any pickle I may find myself in. She helped me tremendously with my bout of depression about a year and a half ago and I would be lost without her, maybe not even alive. My mom has overcome some personal obstacles of hers with such perseverance and I’m immensely proud to call her mom.

My Brother

My brother David and I are six and a half years apart. He was in fifth grade when I was senior in high school. It’s really difficult to form a close bond with someone that far apart in age with when you’re both young, especially being of the opposite sex, but I am happy that as he’s gotten a little older, we’ve gotten closer. I am excited to see what kind of man he will become and am proud of the young man he already is. He’ll be moving to San Marcos in the fall for school and I’m stoked to see him more often!

My Best Friends  

I have three best friends: Vicki, Alexis, and Natasha, all of which, not coincidentally, were my college roommates at some point. I lived with Vicki from January 2011-August 2013, Alexis from August 2013-August 2014, and Natasha from January 2016-present. Each of them are my best friends for different reasons. Vicki was my first roommate I ever had. She and I were randomly paired up at the Dobie Center, a private dorm across the street from the UT Austin campus. She was there for me through my formative times while I was adjusting to moving away from my hometown and has always been a great shoulder to cry on, a friend to get shitfaced at frat parties with, and vent to. I know this also may sound strange, but being from Laredo, a city with a 90% Latinx population, she taught me a lot about being friends with people outside my race as she is White. Moving to Austin in 2011 was a definite culture shock and having a friend with a difference perspective through the lens race helped me adjust. She’s also woke AF; she’s so dope. 

Alexis and I met each other when she subleased from an ex-boyfriend that I was planning on living with (thank GOD that didn’t happen). Alexis was also the first friend I told that I had gotten kicked out of school for my grades (something I will share more about in another post). Alexis is the person I told some of my deepest, darkest secrets to and she has done the same with me. We’ve never judged each other, have always helped each other, and been there for each other. She’s an AMAZING listener. I had the pleasure of taking an elective class with her called Capital Punishment in America my last semester at UT  and it was awesome to see her in a thought provoking setting and learning more about her perspective on complicated issues. She’s living in Dallas, TX now climbing up the corporate ladder and I’m proud to call her my best friend. She has one of the purest hearts I’ve ever seen and that’s hard to find nowadays. 

Natasha and I were roommates at good ol’ Town Lake Student Apartments when I subleased from her former roommate that had just graduated. She is the little, big sister in my life. She’s twenty-one and I’m twenty-six and I swear, I look up to that girl. She graduated college at twenty (whaaaaaat), is financially, spiritually, and emotionally independent, and is the most responsible person I know. She keeps me in check. She kicks my ass when I need it. She pushes me to be the best person I can be in every facet of life. Besides my father, I don’t think I admire anyone more than I admire her. We pick each other’s brains all the time and she’s not your typical barely-legal girl. She’s more successful than some of the bums I’ve dated! Ha!

You go to college to meet your bridesmaids y’all, not your husband.

Jose Angel

I have a male best friend too! His name is Angel and we’ve known each other since we were five years old. How many people can say they’ve been friends for almost twenty-two years? We grew up together and weren’t super close the whole time I’ve known him, but in the last five years we’ve grown extremely close and he sets me straight as well. He helps me with boy probs, financial advice, and just life in general. He lives in Houston, TX and I really wish I could see him more often than I do. Every time I visit him in Houston he’s always down to do whatever I want to do. I am very lucky to have a good hearted, male friend that is near and dear to my heart. 

My Not-As Close Friends

I try to live my life with the purest intentions in my heart, and I feel that I have lots of close and not-so-close friends, acquaintances and supporters from afar because of this. Just know, especially with this bikini prep that I’m on, I appreciate all of your support and kindness. Know that I am always there to lend an ear, a helping hand, ANYTHING (within reason). I love meeting and connecting with new people so don't hesitate to reach out. Let’s be fraaaans :)

My Exes

I do not communicate with two of my four ex boyfriends. The ones I do talk to or have talked to are my high school boyfriend, who I haven’t heard from in years and is just a Facebook friend, and one other. I’ve been through some pretty traumatic shit in past relationships, some a little too deep to share here, but I wish them all the best and all the success in the world in every aspect of their lives. Despite the turmoil I’ve been through, I’ve loved, lost, and will continue to love deeply. I've been lied to, cheated on, broken up with the day before my birthday, been left the day before Valentine’s Day, been emotionally and mentally abused, but I honestly believe in love, and the man who I end up with will be an incredibly lucky man. I’ve loved the wrong men fiercely, imagine how great I can be and how I can love the right man?

My Current Relationship Status

I am seeing someone, but it is in the very early stages of getting to know each other; we’ve recently reconnected. I met him a few years ago when I was definitely not ready to pursue a relationship with anyone else besides my most recent ex, who I was broken up with at the time. We shall see! Like I said, I trust the plan God has for my life. 

MYSELF

Besides my relationship with God, this is the most important relationship I have, the one I have with myself. I’m learning to love myself more and more everyday. I have a newfound or resurfaced confidence again since I started my fat loss journey. I learn something new about myself almost every day! I still don’t have it all figured out, but that’s the beauty of life. Always moving forward.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am honest to every person I come to meet. What you see is what you get. I don’t play games, I don’t have malicious intentions. I am an open book. Get to know me :)

[cheinsaw-callout]

retsu’s section

this is my portion of the callout for january eirin (cheinsaw) some of this has been taken and repurposed from my original, very emotional callout. 

january eirin and i were in a relationship from september 2014 to april 2015. we met online earlier in the year, while i was 17 and they were 20. we became very close very quickly, and after just a few months i already considered them my best friend. they acted like an older sibling or “mom friend” to me, always being protective and reassuring me, and i confided in them often, because they always listened to me. i was going to turn 18 in august, and was about to go to college, which i was so excited about— leaving my toxic home environment and making new friends and living independently was always my dream, and ever since i was young i was counting down until i was allowed to leave and live on my own terms. meeting jan only added onto this; they lived in amherst and went to UMASS, which was only ten minutes away from my college, and i was ecstatic to be able to meet them in person. it was a highly volatile and transitional time of my life, not only feeling like i could start my own life but also, unfortunately, having to be further away from my partner (now husband) of 4 years at the time. i was also still reeling from the new freedom i had been given after living in captivity in abusive mental health treatment centers for almost two years, and even after more than a year i still felt exposed and all too free in the real world, which treatment brainwashed me into believing was so much different from what it actually was.

jan knew this. they also knew that once i met them irl, i would already be 18, and they would have a free pass to make advances on me. they had thought of me as a sex object the entire time they knew me when i was 17, while i was still seeing them as a big sibling figure, and waited until i was 18 to make their move. their last relationship was with a 15-16 year old who had just left their abusive mother for the first time, who was vulnerable and in need of reassurance just like i was. they never got called out for it, because the ex in question was so afraid and convinced that it was their fault for being in a relationship with an adult. but still they knew that they were probably lucky on that one. so they preyed on me, someone who was technically legal, but was anything but ready for a relationship with an adult, due to losing two years of my adolescence to abuse and feeling permanently stunted and behind on my maturation. this way they could have the same power over someone as they would with an actual minor, but would be able to get away with it because i was legally an adult.

less than two weeks after i turned 18, within maybe a week of knowing each other irl, they sexually propositioned me. (“i want to eat you out platonically”) i was a bit confused because they said they were ace/aro, but i agreed because i wanted to impress them. that should have been the first warning sign— wanting to impress someone through sex isn’t a hallmark of a healthy relationship and is often a sign of a potentially abusive power imbalance. (i wasn’t cheating on my partner, if you’re wondering. we were/are polyamorous, although at this point we’re both closed to new relationships, and were always very committed to each other, as evidenced by the fact that as of 2020 we are married. that summer with my permission he began dating someone else as well, so there was no issue with me having sex with someone else.) by the end of september i was already taken with them, and i asked if they wanted to go out with me. they said yes.

for a while this relationship had me under an illusion that i was mature and powerful. i was out in the Real World and i was in a relationship that was different from the one i had been in since i was 14 and driving back and forth to their dorm and going out for food together made me feel like an Adult! i felt like i was living independently and owning my own sexuality— i had no idea i was playing right into their hands.

things quickly went downhill. during our relationship, they isolated me from potential and long-time friends. they manipulated me into constantly worrying about them. they constantly guilt tripped me, used their “kindness” (i.e. making food for me???) as a bargaining chip, policed my interactions with others, held suicide over my head, made me scared constantly that if i did anything to upset they them would hurt or kill themself. since the only other relationship i had ever known was my longterm relationship with fuga, i wondered if the way they treated me was just how other relationships were supposed to be, and that our issues were normal. multiple times they wanted me to come over, and i told them i had schoolwork, but when they said that they were self harming or on the verge of it, i immediately went and left behind all other obligations, as most good partners would do. this took a huge toll on my academics, and i never got any homework done, and began failing my classes to the point where my grades were unsalvageable. i had to go on extended medical leave from school, and would not return for a year and a half, putting my education track behind two years, years i will never get back. even then, if i had known they were abusing me and broke up with them when i returned home, i would have been able to come back the next semester, rather than spending the whole winter in denial and then the rest of the year trying to heal.

the relationship continued after i left, and i was still driving two and a half hours up to see them on weekends every two or three weeks. while we were long distance, it got worse, much worse. i was able to spend time with fuga, my first partner and now-husband, much more often, and jan was jealous. they said communication was important, but whenever i came to them about something i had a problem with, they made everything about them and how i “hated them” and how i “wanted to leave them” and how i must be “fed up with them.” they didn’t stop to acknowledge how i felt. i was always nodding along with whatever they said because i couldn’t get a word in about my own feelings without them making it about how sad they were all the time and how neglected they felt. truthfully, i did distance myself from them towards the end of our relationship, because i felt trapped and scared and would run to fuga for comfort and safety.

they controlled who i was friends with through guilt, passive-aggressiveness and inserting themself into every new friendship i made. they admitted they were jealous of a friend i had made, and when i assured them i wasn’t going to leave them because i had a new friend, they told me they were over it and shut up about it for a while but was secretly stewing in it and didn’t tell me until march. i thought they had gotten over it like they said they did so i continued talking to and about them, and they used that against me as one way i was making them feel bad, when i didn’t even know. they went as far as to encode their talk about that specific person and situation in phrases like “the fuckening” and “the italy picture” so that i wouldn’t understand what they were talking about until they hit me with it six months later. i was so terrified of what they would do when they found out i was still talking to that person that i changed their name in my phone just in case they were looking when we visited each other for spring break.

they excused their guilt-trippy and possessive behavior on grounds of their bpd. they self-diagnosed soon after they met me, and though i usually don’t have issues with self-diagnosis as long as it’s serious and informed, it was quite sudden and they began to use it as an excuse. they didn’t do anything to work on it or change it, while i was continuously calling myself out and growing and changing. they convinced me that, because we had the same mental illness, and they treated me the way they did, i must have been abusing my husband. they made me feel awful for running to him when i was terrified and hurt and didn’t want to be around them because of it. they made me feel awful for being poly, they made me feel awful for having a healthy and thriving relationship with someone else. they made me feel awful for not having the emotional capacity to put someone as manipulative and hurtful as them as my first priority. later that winter they also started saying they were autistic, saying they had low empathy, and beginning to copy some of my autistic traits (i was diagnosed at five years old.) i often have a keen sense of knowing if someone is also autistic (if you’re autistic you probably know exactly what i’m talking about. it’s like gaydar but for autism) and jan never displayed any criteria that would alert me until after they started using the “low empathy” excuse. they also used the autism excuse to explain away the fact that they used coded phrases to keep secrets from me.

throughout our relationship i began to have vivid flashbacks to my abuse in treatment. i remembered things that my brain had repressed and often went through debilitating periods of ptsd-related panic attacks. it was only after i left that i realized so much of this was set off by jan being manipulative, gaslighting me and making me feel the way i had felt back then. i started to hide away from twitter for long periods of time and take time and space away from them, which they hated, and every time i would come back to twitter i would see them guilt tripping and crying about how i hated them, baiting me back into reassuring them and taking care of them even though i was emotionally exhausted and just wanted to leave. by the end of it all i felt entirely emotionless, like i had just gone numb, and i realized i wasn’t feeling anything positive towards jan anymore, that they were exhausting me to the point where i could no longer muster the empathy to care.

i finally broke up with them in late april 2015. i was dealing with the flashbacks and i needed an excuse to feel like i was allowed to leave them, so i told them i needed a break and that i was breaking up with them until i stopped feeling so exhausted and emotionless, and would maybe aim for getting back together in a month or so. jan did not take this well. the first thing they said was “but you’re not breaking up with fuga.” i don’t remember what i said to that. they cried on the phone wordlessly for ten minutes, until it sounded obviously faked, and i knew that they were doing this to keep me on the phone and make me take it back. i knew that if i didn’t hang up i would want them back even though i knew it was ruining me. so i hung up. for months i couldn’t admit that they abused me. for months i wavered between breaking things off for good and attempting to get back together with them. i wasn’t scared of a life without them. i knew it would be healthier for me. i was scared of their life without me. until the very end they had me swinging back and forth between “this is wrong and they hurt me” and “i need to forgive them and make up so nothing bad happens.” the impulse decision to block them on everything was the best decision i have ever made in my life.

they lied about roz to me; they told me roz abused them. i believed them; they had me so convinced for so long that even after we broke up i still didn’t know how to approach them. of course, they conveniently left out the part that jan were 19 and they were 16 when they dated, and roz had just gotten out of an abusive household and was extremely vulnerable to any form of affection. as an adult, they manipulated an abused child into a relationship with them, and if i had known that in the first place i would have ran as fast as i could.

even after we broke up they talked shit about me and my partner-now-fiance. even after we broke up they made passive aggressive tweets about “unhealthy polyamory.” they befriended my husband's ex who broke up with him around the same time and gossiped about “how awfully we treated them.” the story with her is a whole other bag of dicks, but they made sure to rub it in the faces of our lasting mutual friends until some of them got fed up and left. they lied to ash, their next victim, about me— saying i abused them, that i was a “violent schizophrenic,” that they were the one that dumped me, that our relationship ended at a completely different time (they told ash we broke up in december 2014, which oddly enough, if they had been consistent with the amount of time we spent dating, would have implicated them in dating another minor) and other outright lies about me. they lied about roz, as well, which they had done in the past with me.

they abused me. and they abused roz. and after they were done with us, they abused ash. they manipulated two past abuse victims who had just gotten out of poisonous situations, and now they’ve done the same to someone else. they narrowed our worlds to them and them alone. and when i refused to completely narrow mine, they hurt and guilted me for it. when they learned that they couldn’t control me, they tried to manipulate me into being controlled. i wasn’t their first or last victim, and i’m lucky i got out as early as i did.

if you’re asking for screencaps or receipts: stop. most of the abuse was irl, much of it wasn’t easy to pin down to one interaction or certain words, and the long distance emotional manipulation was done on a private twitter, which they locked me out of after we broke up. we didn’t use DMs, and the line and text messages from that time have all been deleted either automatically by my phone or by my own hand after i left them, because i didn’t want reminders of how badly they hurt me. this is a common action taken by abuse survivors, and if your belief in a victim’s story depends upon the existence of online messages rather than real-life occurrences and subtle manipulation, then i urge you to think about what tumblr “callout culture” has done to your perception of truth.

i’m not doing this for revenge, though i am angry and want to see them get what they deserve— what matters first and foremost for me in writing this is the safety of more potential victims. they target people in unstable situations, people who are grieving and desperate for love, people who were abused and will take anything they can get. minors are not safe from them, and neither are mentally ill or traumatized adults, and they surround themself with these kinds of people. it’s been more than two years since they abused me, and they never got backlash for it, even after my first callout. because of this, they were able to go on and do the same to ash. i want to stop this before they can claim yet another victim.

[noramoya]

Owen Jones Friday 15 August 2014 Nine months ago, Jake Mills texted his girlfriend one final time to tell her he loved her – and then he tried to kill himself. "I genuinely felt that I was a burden to a lot of people's lives," the 25-year-old Liverpool comedian says. "A lot of people say suicide is a selfish act but, in that frame of mind, if you're about to kill yourself, you just don't see anything better." Although Jake had been visiting a counsellor, he was just telling her what he thought she wanted to hear. "She discharged me and told me that I was healthy and better. But actually I wasn't better, I was just better at lying." Jake was rescued by his girlfriend and has been confronting his depression ever since. But for all too many men, there is no rescue. Last week, millions were shocked by the suicide of beloved actor Robin Williams. The aftermath has provoked a long-neglected debate about mental health and suicide. A cursory look at the statistics in Britain suggests it is dearly needed. Suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 and 49, eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease. It is also predominantly a male disorder. Of the 5,981 suicides in 2012, an astonishing 4,590 (76%) were men. And yet while Britain has high-profile campaigns on, say, testicular cancer or driving safely, the biggest killer of men under 50 is not getting the attention it deserves. Jane Powell is the founder and director of Calm, the Campaign Against Living Miserably, which specifically deals with male suicide. "If you're a mum, a dad, a loved one, you want to worry about the biggest threat," she says. "And yet we worry about assault levels, rather than the real killer – suicide." She makes a provocative case: that while breast cancer does kill men, we rightly focus on it as a female disease. In the same way, suicide prevention has to focus on men. "We need to name the issue," she says. Why are so many more men killing themselves than women? "Is it biologically set in stone that men take their own lives – or is it cultural?" Powell asks. "If you look at how the suicide rates have changed, how they go up and down, you can see that it's cultural – it's about what we expect." And this is what is so troubling about male suicide. Women are actually more likely to suffer from depression, but more likely to seek help when they encounter trouble. The uncomfortable truth is that stereotypical forms of masculinity – stiff upper lips, "laddishness" – are killing men. Ant Meads, a 35-year-old based in Coventry, tried to end his life nearly two years ago. Growing up, he had undiagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). "I was 18, working in a concrete yard, surrounded by big burly men doing manual labour, and I was a stick insect," he recalls. Whenever his hands were dirty, he felt nauseous, so he wore gloves all the time. "I got bullied every single day when I was there, I was the 'little special princess who has to have his special gloves'. It was the first time I realised that I was not living up to the ideal of what a man should be." His OCD would get worse, until he was too anxious to leave the house. "I was failing myself, my family, society, because I couldn't do what every man was supposed to be able to do." He was left with a sense of worthlessness, of letting people down. When he first told his father that he was depressed, he told him to "get over it". It wasn't just relatives: doctors told him to "get on with it" as well. When a doctor finally referred him to psychiatric care, Meads faced a six-week wait before finally being seen by a community liaison officer, who disputed whether he had OCD because – unlike other patients – his hands were not chapped. "It's this horrible idea of what a man is supposed to be," he explains. "It's a general feeling, evident in the fact that so many men commit suicide, because they're not living up to this mythical idea." This sense that men should not speak about their feelings is not always overt; nor does it necessarily manifest itself as bullying. Fabio Zucchelli, 29, has had depression since his early teenage years. "I noticed that I was low for very long periods, and it developed into what people term clinical depression," he says. "It certainly held me back in many ways, up to my early to mid 20s ... There have been long periods when I've felt not able to work at all." Zucchelli says he didn't suffer from "self-stigmatising issues", and has been able to talk about his feelings with professionals. "The main issue I've had with feeling able to talk about mental health difficulties is with male friends, who just find it really uncomfortable. I haven't had anyone defriend me because of it, just a lot of discomfort." When the 35-year-old Labour MP John Woodcock announced last December that he was depressed, he was confronting a double stigma: not just as a man talking about his mental health, but as a politician discussing a personal issue that is all too often portrayed as a weakness. "I've been really struck by the number of men who have come up to me – often in my constituency – like ex-shipyard workers who have struggled for 10 years, who have been keeping it quiet," he tells me. "We do operate in a culture where men, by and large, talk about their feelings less. They're self-conscious about talking about weakness, there's this male sense of 'shrug and get on with stuff'." This type of male identity is cemented at a very young age. According to research by the LGB charity Stonewall, 98% of gay pupils and 95% of teachers hear "that's so gay" or "you're so gay" at school; nearly as many hear "dyke" or "poof" thrown around as insults. "It's so much wider than gay or bisexual men," says Stonewall's spokesman Richard Lane. "Men hear 'man up' and 'stop being such a poof'. It's a real barrier in talking about mental health issues." Rather than being entirely about anti-gay hatred, there is an element of "gender policing", of abuse directed at men who do not conform to a stereotype of masculinity. "Asking for help is seen as an affront to masculinity," says the writer Laurie Penny, who has extensively researched mental health issues and written about her own experiences. "This is deeply, deeply troubling, because it means when you're taking that first step when you're suffering a mental health difficulty, reaching out for help is made doubly hard. The rules of masculinity prevent you from asking for help or talking about feelings." According to Penny, depression is often accompanied by a sense of shame, of not deserving help, "and when messed-up gender roles are thrown into the mix, it's going to become even more troubling". She has no doubt that gender policing "ruins lives across the board". Mind is one of Britain's main mental health charities; according to its research, just 23% of men would see a GP if they felt low for more than two weeks, compared with 33% of women. "One of the more common ways men deal with it is self-medicating with alcohol and drugs," says the Mind spokeswoman Beth Murphy. "They start going to the pub, block feelings, hide feelings, drink, then do it more, and it becomes a cycle. The drugs and alcohol can end up as big a problem as the mental distress in the first place." Indeed, research has suggested that men are twice as likely as women to develop alcoholism. In the late 1990s, it was men in their 20s who were most at risk from suicide; today it is men in their 40s. As Murphy points out, it's the same cohort, and is evidence of "scarring": of being unemployed at a young age, and suffering from long-term consequences, including higher rates of unemployment and lower wages in later life, as well as mental distress. According to research by Samaritans, those in the poorest socioeconomic circumstances are 10 times more likely to kill themselves than those in the most affluent. Both men and women experience poverty, of course – but it is men who are more likely to kill themselves if they are poor. And the help simply is not there for men, EVEN IF THEY SEEK IT. When Ant Meads finally saw the doctor who instantly recognised his OCD and began a referral for specialist care, he faced a nine-month wait. "Imagine you're suicidal, you need to see a psychiatrist, and you're told the current waiting list is nine months. How do people cope?" Meads is adamant that he would not be alive had his employer not referred him to private healthcare. He believes there needs to be far more government investment and a national advertising blitz about men and mental health. But the winds are blowing against Meads's calls: mental health trusts are making cuts amounting to 20% more than those made by other hospitals; mental health services have cut beds by nearly 10% in the past three years, and mental health organisations have warned that cuts to such services are risking people's lives. "I'm really concerned about it," says Woodcock. "We've now made the commitment that mental health should have parity with physical conditions in the NHS, but we're not close to delivering that parity." Unless this changes, he suggests, "we'll fail many people who will suffer mental health conditions, or even suicide, when they can be helped." Challenging unreconstructed masculinity is surely a priority, too. The organisation Calm has launched an initiative called "#mandictionary", encouraging men to take on "archaic male stereotypes" and "define themselves on their own terms". Men speaking out – as they have done in this article – helps, too, encouraging others to come forward. "From a personal point of view, I'd never admit to anyone I was depressed, I didn't even want to be on antidepressants because of the stigma attached," Jake Mills explains. "I thought I'd be addicted to them and weak." Now he uses his comedy to raise the issue. "The best decision I made in my life was announcing it, going on Twitter. I've had enough, I'm not hiding from it any more." Speaking out and challenging the stigma of mental health is certainly courageous. And doing so may just help to save the lives of other men who are suffering in agonising, lonely silence. "

[me-importa-mother-blog]

it FINALLY fucking happened

i have a migraine and awful cramps from this stupid IUD rn but i have to get this out. i have to capture the authenticity of my feelings right now. it finally happened. i could cry happy tears because of how incredible and great i feel in this moment. brendon and darian are back together. i saw a pics of them on instagram w captions about how much they love each other and wanna know what i felt when i saw those pictures? fucking NOTHING. I FINALLY FEEL NOTHING. ok, i feel sad for them but thats honestly truly the only emotion that came up for me. i no longer feel the intense nausea, feeling like i am getting stabbed in the pit on my stomach, rush of emotions pouring over my entire body, ringing in my ears, dissosiation that i felt the first time i heard the words from his lips “i have a girlfriend now”. that feeling that didn’t seem to go away for MONTHS. that feeling that would resurface every time i looked at their social media and saw how fucking happy and perfect they were. it was fucking disgusting. i can finally say i don’t feel those feelings anymore and u know what that means? 

i means i have healed. it means i have moved on. it means I have successfully mended the broken pieces of my heart that he left me with. i did that. with the help of some loving and supportive friends, yes. but it was me. i’m the one that chose to live all those times i wanted to die, and i chose to pretend to be happy to the point that my bones hurt to their core because i was faking it so hard. i chose to move back home to something familiar and stable so i could feel safe, so i could get away from the torment of his memory, from the fear of running into her, or him, or worse the both of them together. 

at one point i felt that i gave everything i had built so hard for the past two years away. my life in california was ruined because of him. the reason i went out there in the first place to get clean back in april of 2014 was because he told me to. my body was deteriorating faster than i could keep track of and i mentioned, maybe i should move back to cali and get clean, and you should too and we can be together. and he told me to go out there so i fucking did. hes the reason, the motivation i had to get clean. everything i did from that point forward was for him or because of him or for us. so WE could live together happily for fucking forever. 

originally we had a plan to go to rehab for a bit then run away together but at some point something switched in me. i think it was god working in my life honestly. but at some point i decided u know what i wanna give this thing a shot. i wanna see what its like to be clean and happy and all that these weird ppl in AA rave about. and then he went down there from fresno and he got clean and holy shit that was the most incredible summer of my life. i wish i had pictures but i deleted probably 98% of them. but i had so many good times w him, riding my bike to the beach while he rode his skateboard. holding hands, going to meetings together. i was so fucking proud to tell everyone he was my boyfriend. i was so goddamn fucking in love. 

and now i’m crying, but not because i want to be with him. no, never. i’m crying because the happiness i felt was so pure and genuine and incredible and indescribable. i wouldnt change it for anything. if i could go back and relive those moments we shared that summer but i would have to relive the heartbreak again then i would probably do it. but i wouldnt change anything. i would relieve the good and the bad but i would want the result to be the same as what it is in this moment. hes with her and i’m with myself on my ellies bed in my parents house with rocky and luna sleeping at my feet. i don’t want to be with him anymore but i don’t regret what we had because it was true love and it was passionate and intense and a type of love i will never feel again. because it was extremely toxic. as intense as the good moments were so were the bad. and it got reeeeaaally bad.

he told me i deserved to be molested when i was 5. he told me this while we were in line for the screamin eagle at disneyland, because i was paying more attention to my phone than to him. he was upset and we got in an argument and thats what he said to me. that a fucking five year old deserved to get some creepy mother fuckers fingers in her asshole. real cute huh? but i’m not a saint. at some point i told him i’m glad his dad left him and that he probably did because he hated him cuz hes useless and that his mom is a slut cuz she has 4 baby daddies. i said some horrible things too that i’m not proud of but in those moments i felt so justified. as the anger wore off tho i felt guilty for saying those things, and so would he. so we would always make up. and thiings would be really good again until the next fight and shit would hit the fan. and then we started calling the cops on each other. he was never physically abusive to me, except one time he pinned me down like a pretzel cuz i was beating the living shit out of him. the position he had me in hurt a lot but he was protecting himself cuz i had lost it. i dont remember what that particular fight was about. the weather maybe? idk dude we would fight over the DUMBEST shit. 

i remember thinking and telling him, “if you act like a bitch u get treated like one”. which means youre a fucking dick to me so i’m a dick right back mother fucker. i ran him over w my car once. he smashed my phone to pieces cuz i searched a guy on facebook. he would go through my phone and find texts from months ago where i said a guy was hot and he would flip out call me a whore tell me nobody is ever gonna love me, and go spread my legs somewhere. he would accuse me of fucking literally EVERYONE. if i was off work 5 minutes late its because i was fucking my manager in the back. if i wasnt texting him back while i was w jenny or kolby its cuz i was fucking them. oh he hated all my friends also. and had no friends of his own. i was his whole world which really bugged me at the time but i lowkey miss that now. i miss feeling that important and special and loved. and i miss having that much power over someone, i’ll admit it. 

but despite all this bad shit there were good times, and they were really fucking good. specifically its the feelings. i felt safe with him. like nothing could ever hurt me or touch me, besides him. but i was addicted to the chaos so i didn’t mind the verbal and emotional abuse and i dished it right back. although lets be real here according to my sponsor, therapist, mentor, friends, anyone w a brain. he was definately the sicker one out of the two of us. we were both so fucking sick but i was a wee bit healthier i would say. there were so many times we would ride around costa mesa on harbor blvd at midnight complaining about how much it sucked to not have a car, or money, or anything. we had NOTHING. he really had nothing when he got there besides like 3 shirts and old pair of vans 2 sizes too small and shorts. i created him. everything he got from that point forward was from me. all of it. and there were weeks at a time where he had no money and he ate because i bought him food. not that he owes me anything or that he ever did, i did those things because i wanted to because i was in love and he was gonna be my life partner. everything i ever wanted i wanted with him or nobody else. anyway, we would be riding through the kmart parking lot on harbor and wilson, he would be coming w me to drop me off at fordham and we would complain about how much it fucking sucked but “one day we would look back on all of this and laugh.” because “one day were gonna make it” we said. we had so many hopes and dreams together. he was supposed to be my fucking husband. i was going to be the mother of all of his children. 

but you know what? it was all a fucking fantasy. a beautiful fantasy but a fantasy nonetheless. and after spending summer 2015 apart because he decided drugs were more important than me, we got back together in september and shit didnt get much better. it was a bit at times but mostly no. same shit. really intense good times. really intense bad times. passionate love, passionate hate. a couple days before new years 2015 going into 2016 we broke up for the last time. this is when he broke my phone cuz i searched jacob berry on fbook. after that i was done. i had been done thousands of times before but i was really done this time. we didn’t talk at all for like a week then i saw him on his birthday january 7th and we decided we were gonna get back together in august when he had a year sober. we werent gonna talk in the meantime but we were for sure getting back together. then one day i added a guy, kyle on facebook and he lost it. again with being called a slut and blah blah blah. and this time we were really done. like FORREAL. i was moving on everything was great blah blah. i dont think i actually thought i had lost him tho. it was gonna be like every other time where we will get back together again. so i wasnt really that sad. i think i was thriving off the anger i felt towards him. like are u seriously gonna be done w me over adding a dude???? how stupid. 

and then one day in late february my world came crashing down in the middle of the target electronics section. hannah texted or called me i cant remember but said she needed to tell me something. i demanded to know immedietally and she hesitated, i knew it was bad. she told me darian and brendon were talking. darian, my former client darian. darian, the girl who I TOLD STORIES ABOUT BRENDON TO WHEN SHE WAS STRUGGLING W HER EX IN HOPES THAT I COULD OFFER HER SOME EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE. i was vulnerable w her about him. i was trying to be helpful, i shared stuff w her i dont share w everyone but since her sitution at the time was similar to my realtionship w brendon i opened up to her. how fucking dare she. that fucking stupid bitch. how dare HE. knowing she was my client. i even had considered her a friend up until this point. i had considered moving in with her for christsakes wtf. and that the first time i felt that feeling. that awful awful feeling i no longer felt tonight. and then i felt it again a month later when he told me they were officially together. and again when i learned she met his family. (oh yeah thats another reason i think i stayed as long as i did because i adore his family. )

a bunch of other shit happened in between. him and i started talking again in march briefly when he basically cheated on her w me, then he came back in my life just this past december only to leave again like the coward that he is. but i’m grateful that happened because before i had always wondered what i had done to make him basically leave me for her, or so i felt. because he DID choose her over me. he chose to start a new relationship over mending the one that we had that was supposed to be forever. and i lost my shit. was literally destroyed shell of a human for months. extremely emotionally and mentally unstable. lost a bunch of friends cuz they couldnt handle me. got kicked out of school, lost a scholarship, almost lost a job, attempted suicide, went to the psych ward. it was really really rough for a long time. but today all of that has changed. i no longer feel that deeprooted sadness, devastation, horrid unbearable pain. today i have healed. i feel very sad for the both of them because i know how unstable their relationship is. cuz i was there. i was her. and i HATED her for a long time but i dont anymore because i feel bad she is in love w him and is gonna get hurt and heartbroken like i did. 

but i’m glad he came in my life again this past december because it cleared up a lot of unanswered thoughts i had. A. he still loves me and will always love me as i will him. B. he is thankful for me being in his life and will never forget me, and C. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. i fought w every fiber of my being for us to be together and hes the one that threw it all away. hes the one that walked away. i promised him from the moment i knew i was in love w him that as long as we both loved each other we could fix anything. but he wasnt willing to try anymore so at least i know i gave it my all and its his loss cuz he was too weak to try to work together to make things right. or maybe we just werent meant to be. or maybe both.

irregardless, my arm is so mother fucking cramped i can barley type. and i have so much more i could say, i could go on forever. but the point is that the horrid feelings i once felt are no longer there anymore and i am truly 100000% happy today when i once thought i was going to die without him. so i am proof that healing from the most excrusiating heartbreak is possible and its possible to be happier when u lose ppl u cant imagine losing, and when u get a new life that u didnt even want

[actutrends]

Putin’s Russia, 20 years on

Marc Bennetts is a Moscow-based reporter and author of “I’m Going to Ruin Their Lives: Inside Putin’s War on Russia’s Opposition” (Oneworld, 2016).

MOSCOW– Boris Yeltsin had a reputation for the marvelous and the unforeseeable, from buying tanks to shell a rebellious Russian parliament to drunkenly hunting for pizza in Washington in his underclothing. He saved perhaps his most significant surprise for last.

Twenty years ago this Brand-new Year’s Eve, with six months to go till completion of his last term, an ailing Yeltsin addressed Russia in a special noontime broadcast. “I am leaving. I have actually done all I could,” he said, his words slurred by disease and alcoholic abuse. “A new generation is coming. They can do more, and better.”

Later on that night, as the Kremlin clock ticked down the final minutes of the 1990 s, a dour-faced representative of that “brand-new generation” appeared prior to the country as Russia’s acting president.

” Like you, I intended this night to listen to the New Year greetings of President Boris Yeltsin,” stated Vladimir Putin, the previous state security service chief who had been called prime minister simply 4 months previously. “But things turned out otherwise.”

Life under Boris Yeltsin had been a mixture of the surreal and the monstrous.

I was in Britain that significant Brand-new Year’s Eve, but I ‘d been residing in Russia since 1997, catching the tail end of Yeltsin’s chaotic presidency. There were obviously no Twitter storms or YouTube videos of the handover of power. Rather, I found out about Yeltsin’s decision to bless Putin as Russia’s brand-new leader hours after it had occurred, via Ceefax, a now-defunct teletext info service.

I flew back to Moscow later on that week: If someone had actually possessed a crystal ball, I’m unsure what I would have been more stunned to find– that I would still be residing in the Russian capital 20 years on, or that Putin would still remain in the Kremlin.

Life under Yeltsin had actually been a mixture of the surreal and the monstrous. The Communist ideology that had actually dominated life for 7 years had actually been tossed onto history’s trash dump, leaving Russians to adjust to an odd brand-new monster called commercialism.

It was a task lots of were just not up to: Suicides increased, life cost savings were lost in wild pyramid plans, and crime rocketed. State staff members typically went unsettled for months. In August 1998, Russia defaulted on its foreign financial obligation, setting off financial collapse.

Vladimir Putin, left, with Boris Yeltsin at the Kremlin in 1999|Pool photo by TASS/EPA

Soviet propaganda had portrayed life in the West as relentless misery for all but the really richest, and the 1990 s appeared to show the communists were.

Putin understood what his fellow citizens longed for.

Over the next eight years, assisted by soaring rates for oil– Russia’s main export– Putin approached doing just that. By May 2008, towards completion of his second term in workplace, salaries were not only being paid on time, but they were higher than ever. The streets of major cities began to fill with advertisements for simple loans, and individuals long accustomed to frugality suddenly found they could manage foreign holidays, brand-new cars and plasma-screen TVs.

Although political freedoms were being curtailed, independent media strangled, and money that needs to have been utilized to build up important infrastructure simply siphoned out of the country, many Russians remained quiet. After all, it seemed churlish to grumble about such things when you could invest 2 weeks a year at a Turkish Black Sea resort and after that come back to your brand-new house entertainment center.

” Putin acquired a ransacked and bewildered nation, with a poor and demoralized individuals” — Alexander Solzhenitsyn, Soviet dissident author

” People agreed on a pact with the devil,” said Oleg Orlov, the head of Memorial, Russia’s oldest human rights company. “They stated, ‘We will avoid of the social and political procedure and concentrate on our private lives– simply do not touch us and leave us a small piece of the profits from your oil booty.'”

It was, as Russian intellectuals like to state, a case of “sausages in exchange for freedom.”

Sausages won out.

” What good is freedom of speech if my refrigerator is empty?” a senior female asked me in the main city of Voronezh in2007 I wasn’t sure what to reply, so I mumbled something about how, in an ideal world, she would have both. My answer stopped working to encourage her. “Both?” she stated. “Who is going to provide me both?”

It was toward the end of his 2nd term that the sale of Putin souvenirs went overboard– stores were suddenly full of clocks, mugs and even wall carpets bearing his image.

Putin got praise from unlikely quarters. “Putin acquired a rummaged and mystified country, with a poor and demoralized individuals,” said Alexander Solzhenitsyn, the Soviet dissident writer. “And he started to do what was possible– a slow and gradual repair. These efforts were not noticed, nor valued, immediately.”

Solzhenitsyn was not the only fan.

Vladimir Putin souvenirs on sale in Moscow|Mladen Antonov/AFP by means of Getty Images

” I want a guy like Putin, loaded with strength/ I desire a guy like Putin, who doesn’t consume/ I desire a man like Putin, who will not upset me/ I desire a man like Putin, who will not flee,” went the lyrics to an contagious hit by a female pop duo. It was simply the very first of a variety of pop and rap songs to eulogize the Kremlin strongman.

It ended up being progressively hard to escape Putinmania.

In 2008, Russia’s military defeated neighboring Georgia in a five-day war over the breakaway republic of South Ossetia.

Putin’s hold over Russian politics throughout the 2000 s was outright. However as his 2nd term of workplace struck the midway point, he had to make possibly the most crucial decision of his presidency. The Russian constitution stated plainly that no president might serve more than two ” successive” terms. Putin had no strategies to give up power.

In May 2008, Putin moved to the post of prime minister while Dmitry Medvedev, his previous election project supervisor, became president.

As part of Medvedev’s much-heralded program of “modernization,” the Kremlin oversaw the reinvention of RIA Novosti, a state news agency, as a modern-day, censorship-free media outlet. In 2011, I became its very first full-time English-language reporter. This was no Kremlin propaganda outfit– RIA Novosti had total editorial independence and I spent my days speaking with opposition figures and listening to accusations of high-level corruption.

Vladimir Putin utilized Dmitry Medvedev to keep his chair warm at the head of the Kremlin|Yuri Kadobnov/AFP by means of Getty Images

Yet despite Medvedev’s tentative reforms, no one was any under illusions as to who was pulling the most essential strings.

Rather, Putin made a return to the presidency in May 2012 for a third term. As soon as safely re-installed in the Kremlin, Putin set about rolling back Medvedev’s meager reforms. In 2013, RIA Novosti was dismantled and the agency’s boss, Svetlana Mironyuk, dismissed.

Putin changed her with Dmitry Kiselyov, a well-known television presenter known for his anti-Western tirades.

It was a wake-up call for those Russians who had actually bought into Medvedev’s promises of reform. However things will get much darker.

The Kremlin’s seizure of Crimea from Ukraine in March 2014 activated an outbreak of aggressive nationalism. Putin, in a keynote speech, implicated opposition political leaders of being “nationwide traitors,” a term that his critics kept in mind had actually once been used by Adolf Hitler.

Unexpectedly, everyone in Russia wished to talk politics. It became progressively challenging to avoid getting sucked into heated conversations about the “fascist junta” in Ukraine– as Russian state media had actually taken to calling the new pro-Western federal government in Kyiv.

Later on that year, I saw a mother scream at her adult daughter that she was “betraying her homeland” because she applauded investigations by Alexei Navalny, the opposition political leader, into alleged corruption by members of Putin’s inner circle.

” There is no Russia today if there is no Putin” — Vyacheslav Volodin, speaker of the Russian parliament

This environment of unchecked nationalism was encapsulated perfectly by the Night Wolves, a motorcycle gang that received around EUR1 million in state funds to promote anti-Western ideas and “traditional” Russian values.

The leather-clad gang staged performances for kids that depicted the West as intent on ruining Russia.

Amidst the stand-off over Ukraine, Putin was transformed into the living, breathing personification of Russia. As Vyacheslav Volodin, the speaker of the Russian parliament, put it: “There is no Russia today if there is no Putin.”

The anniversary of Putin’s second decade in power has been accompanied by a concrete cooling of Russia’s enthusiasm for the ex-KGB officer who has currently lasted longer than 3 U.S. presidents and been accused of assisting put a fourth into the White Home.

In May, Putin’s trust scores fell to a 13- year low of just 31 percent as discontent simmered over a boost to the pension age, widespread hardship and ruthless allegations of corruption versus the political elite. Putin came to power promising stability, however his opponents are significantly drawing comparisons with Yeltsin’s “wild” 1990 s.

In my trips across Russia, far fewer people seem going to applaud Putin and his policies. Instead, anger and frustration are far more common.

Residents at a market in Nizhny Novgorod, Russia. Across the nation, appreciation for Putin appears to be more irregular|Mladen Antonov/AFP by means of Getty Images

” They tricked us for a while with Crimea,” Konstantin, an out of work man in Russia’s far north, told me last year. “Today he’s revealed his real colors with the pension reforms.”

This year has likewise seen a significant uptick in demonstrations over issues ranging from election scams to poisonous garbage discards The authorities are obviously so worried that in September they deployed around a dozen armed officers to detain a Siberian shaman who had vowed to amazingly expel Putin from workplace.

State-sponsored commemorations of the anniversary of Putin’s ascent to the presidency have actually been low-key. Indeed, state media has actually hardly mentioned that it is now 20 years considering that Yeltsin turned over the secrets to the Kremlin.

Konstantin Gaaze, a political expert with the Carnegie Moscow Center, recommended the silence is due to the fact that Putin is uncomfortable of memories of precisely how he ended up being president. “On 31 st December 1999, Putin was just an item of Yeltsin’s will. And he wants to forget about this,” Gaaze said. He also stated the Kremlin may be cautious about advising Russians of precisely how long Putin has been in power, especially if he intends to lengthen his guideline beyond May 2024, when his last term of workplace is because of expire.

For how long will Putin’s stranglehold on Russian politics last?|Alexey Nikolsky/AFP through Getty Images

Speculation has currently started that Putin is looking for to craft a method to stay in power. Heading a Union State with surrounding Belarus might be one option, as might another stint as prime minister.

It’s not likely, naturally, that Putin will handle another 20 years as Russia’s leader. And even if he does, it’s extremely unlikely that I will still be in Moscow to report on it.

Just a fool, nevertheless, would entirely rule out either circumstance.

The post Putin’s Russia, 20 years on appeared first on Actu Trends.

[marilynngmesalo]

Amber Heard details alleged Johnny Depp attacks in response to lawsuit

Amber Heard details alleged Johnny Depp attacks in response to lawsuit Amber Heard details alleged Johnny Depp attacks in response to lawsuit https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

Responding to his $50 million defamation case against her, the actress, who was married to the Pirates of the Caribbean star for 15 months before she filed for divorce in May, 2016, claims Depp repeatedly hit her, ripped out her hair, and almost suffocated her.

Depp filed his suit earlier this year, revealing he took offence to a piece Heard wrote for The Washington Post, in which she described being the victim of domestic abuse.

She did not mention her ex by name, but he claimed she insinuated he was the abuser, insisting Heard’s allegations were “a hoax”.

Heard, 32, has now responded by going into lengthy details about the former couple’s alleged fights in court papers exclusively obtained by the New York Post.

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“About a year into our relationship, I began to witness Johnny abusing drugs and alcohol…,” she writes. “On some occasions, when Johnny simultaneously used both illegal narcotics and prescription medications I have had to get him medical attention (sic).

“Whenever he was using, I worried for both of us. He would become a totally different person, often delusional and violent. We called that version of Johnny, ‘the Monster’.”

Heard went on to claim her ex would often “not remember his delusional and violent conduct after he came out of his drunk or medicated states”, adding, “Because I loved Johnny, I had believed his multiple promises that he could and would get better. I was wrong.”

Recalling a private jet flight from Boston to Los Angeles in May, 2014, the actress claims Depp appeared to be drunk.

“On the flight, Johnny ordered the flight attendants to give him an oxygen tank, and drank heavily,” she writes. “Johnny’s handlers told me that he was upset that I was filming a movie with a romantic scene with James Franco the day before.

“Soon, Johnny began to throw objects at me. Instead of reacting to his behavior, I simply moved seats. That didn’t stop him. He provocatively pushed a chair at me as I walked by, yelled at me, and taunted me by yelling out the name ‘James Franco’.

“At some point, I stood up, and Johnny kicked me in the back, causing me to fall over. Johnny threw his boot at me while I was on the ground. Johnny continued to scream obscenities until he went into the plane bathroom and passed out locked in the bathroom for the remainder of the flight.”

He allegedly apologized later via text, writing: “Once again, I find myself in a place of shame and regret. Of course, I am sorry. I really don’t know why or what happened. But I will never do it again.

“My illness somehow crept up and grabbed me… I must get better… Again, I am so sorry, so sorry… I love you and I feel so bad for letting you down.”

Heard goes on to claim she locked herself in a room a month into the marriage, during a heated argument with her husband over his alleged use of the drug ecstasy during a bender in Australia.

“The argument heated up, and Johnny pushed me, slapped me, and shoved me to the ground before I retreated to a locked bedroom,” she writes. “(The next morning) I went downstairs to find that Johnny was still awake, and that he had stayed up all night, having taken about eight MDMA pills. He was also drinking again. We got into a fight that Johnny made physical, and I barricaded myself in one of the rooms. That didn’t stop Johnny from busting through the door of the room I was in…”

Heard alleges the incident dragged on and left her completely terrified: “In one of the most horrific and scariest moments of this three-day ordeal, Johnny grabbed me by the neck and collarbone and slammed me against the countertop,” she states. “I struggled to stand up as he strangled me, but my arms and feet kept slipping and sliding on to the spilled alcohol and were dragged against the broken glass on the countertop and floor, which repeatedly slashed my feet and arms.

“Scared for my life, I told Johnny, ‘You are hurting me and cutting me’. Johnny ignored me, continuing to hit me with the back of one closed hand, and slamming a hard plastic phone against a wall with his other until it was smashed into smithereens. While he was smashing the phone, Johnny severely injured his finger, cutting off the tip of it… Once I was able to get away, I barricaded myself in an upstairs bedroom.”

Depp, she claims, was hospitalized for his finger injury, while she states she was left with “a busted lip, a swollen nose, and cuts all over my body,” adding, “I still have scars on my arms and feet from this incident.”

Amber Scissorhands? Depp claims Heard sliced his finger with vodka bottle

Depp fights to keep medical records private in bitter legal battle

Heard's lawyer slams 'frivilous' Depp suit

In the new court filing, Heard also claims she lashed out at Depp in March 2015 because she feared he was about to attack her sister, Whitney, and Johnny “picked a fight with me” during a trip to Thailand and Malaysia in August, 2015, adding, “While on the Eastern Oriental train… he started hitting and pushing me against a wall by grasping my throat and holding me there. I remember being afraid that Johnny might not know when to stop, and that he might kill me.”

There were other alleged violent moments in December, 2015, and Heard resolved to leave Depp for good and filed a request for a domestic violence restraining order after he allegedly attacked her in May, 2016, when he allegedly threw a phone in her face “as hard as he could”.

“Johnny grabbed my hair and started to slap, shake and yank me around the room while I continued to scream,” she states.

Depp and his representatives have yet to respond to his ex-wife’s latest filing, but in his defamation lawsuit, his lawyers declared: “Mr. Depp never abused Ms. Heard. Her allegations against him were false when they were made in 2016. They were part of an elaborate hoax to generate positive publicity for Ms. Heard and advance her career.”

Click for update news Bangla news http://bit.ly/2Db57rD world news

[momentskrp]

SACRED HEARTS SPOTLIGHT:

today we’re showcasing our 3C tenant kim hyunwoo, who has been with us at sweetheart since august 2018. he’s currently a chef, but we hear he has big dreams of becoming a celebrity chef someday. turn to page 5 to read more!

PAST.

seoul, 2012;

“you can’t talk to her like that.”

“what’d you say to me boy? do you know who the fuck i am?”

the entire pocha goes silent, and suddenly it seems as if all the drunken customers in the place have sobered up. they all stare stupidly at the teenage boy in the middle of the tented stall. he’s tall, lean, cheeks flushed in a slight red, though it’s hard to tell whether it’s from the cold night wind outside or by his own temper. he’s still dressed in high school uniform, though his tie is loosened, blazer unbuttoned, and cuffs drawn. they’d wonder why he wasn’t already home studying or asleep at such a late hour, but there’s a mischievous gleam in his eye that gives away that he must not be a very good student anyway.

there’s a harsh clattering as the boy’s opponent rises from his stool. using both hands, the staunch, balding man shoves the table away from himself as he rises, and his mindless minions follow, stumbling in drunken daze as they do. soju glasses and beer bottles clink loudly against the food platters. soup spills over the bowls and onto the table.

“i don’t give a fuck who you are. you can’t fucking talk to her like that.”

the larger man steps towards the boy, slurred explicits seething from between his teeth. but the boy doesn’t budge. he can smell too many bottles of soju on the man’s breath.

“hyunwoo-yah, what are you doing? just listen to me and leave now. i will take care of things, but you just get going now. it’s really okay.”

the other women have emerged from behind the kitchen now, and they join the customers — drunk college students, salarymen, the brokenhearted — in idle spectatorship. they watch now as a small, wiry woman in her fifties yanks helplessly at her adamant son’s jacket, eyes desperately pleading for him to stop with his reckless stunt. her back is hunched, hands wrinkled from countless years laboring away in the crowded kitchen, keeping alive her pocha in an age when they were going extinct. why couldn’t he see that his opponent was not someone to be messed with? this was the first time she had seen her boy in weeks now, and the last thing she needed was for him to be dead at the hands of the local gang. it’s not like this was the first time she’d have to plead the goons to pay for their meal before leaving… why couldn’t he see?

“no mom, it’s really not okay. what about this is okay to you? why do you always say everything is fucking okay when it’s not?!”

he angrily rips away from his mother’s grasp, viciously slapping her hand away when it reaches for his arm again. he doesn’t get why his mother puts up with this bullshit day in and day out. it made him sick to the stomach how she always acted like everything was okay when it clearly wasn’t. when she’d be verbally abused by drunken customers, struggled to pay the bills, when he’d only come back home once every few weeks — even when his father left them ten years ago: “it’s okay”.

he’s too caught up with his mother before being harshly reminded of his other opponent by a heavy blow to the jaw, but he feels no pain. with naive courage, he shoves the drunken man backwards into the table, sending dishes and drinks clamoring to the floor as the audience gasps. he picks up a metal stool, swinging it over his head and slamming down with strength of all the injustice he’d felt in the world. in the midst of the chaos, he flees, running from the tent through crowded streets, lungs heaving against the cold winter air, a hollering gang chasing after him like a pack of hounds.

the metallic taste of blood fills his mouth from the deep gash in his inner lip, regardless of how many times he spits. It’s the last taste of home he’ll remember.

tokyo, 2014;

“so when are you going home? there can’t possibly be that much to learn in a kitchen.”

he shifts his head in the girl’s lap, giving a flirtatious tug on the hem of her skirt as he shoots her a fake look of hurt. her fingers stroke through his hair, and she giggles a bit. after graduating high school, he took the first flight out of korea he could find, eventually taking a job in at a rising restaurant in tokyo. If nothing else, the years he had spent helping in his mother’s kitchen had left him with solid culinary fundamentals, and though the pay wasn’t much, he was a quick learner, pocketing as many tricks of the craft as he could. plus the restaurant owner figured that the korean boy’s good looks were a sticking point for female customers of the restaurant.

“you really want me to leave you that bad?”

he was slowly starting to lose count of the number of months he’d been in this foreign city. obviously enough to where his japanese had improved to the level of fluency required for flirtation and persuasion. but now his female companion had him thinking. she was wrong about there not being anything to learn in the kitchen. he’d learnt that cooking could be pleasant, when not serving up food to drunken bastards in a pocha. that the top chefs could live lives of glory and pleasure beyond what his poor mother could ever imagine. that everyone has hunger, and everyone has taste, even if they don’t realize it. life is just a constant quest to satiate.

and so maybe she was also right. he couldn’t stay here forever. he had nothing to lose, so he might as well just shoot for more. he made up his mind to leave. an unreadable grin takes over his lips, and he gets up, gently laying her down now.

“well i’ll make sure you miss me when i do.”

paris, 2018

“get the fuck out of my kitchen!”

his french was still a while away from fluent, but he understood enough to get that much: he was being fired. grabbing the hat from his head, he hurls it to the ground, the other hand angrily working on the knot of his apron. he grabs the giant knife he had in hand, furiously slamming it point-first into the slab of lamb he had been working on. he’d put on display more of his recently erupting temper if he didn’t know how skilled his boss also was with a knife.

it had been close to four years now since he’d taken a one-way flight out of tokyo, converting his entire savings into euros before backpacking through the continent of europe. an endless chain of worn down hostels in italy, spain, and france had left him penniless, but deep in rich culinary experiences, pleasures of life, and the romance of the region. he was now utterly convinced that a chef was the world’s most honest, worthy occupation. the world was full of illusions and bullshit, but good food, and a matching glass of wine. what else was as undeniably good in the world?

is it good? does it give pleasure? the only two questions he was interested in answering when doing his craft. ironically, he found himself waltzing his way into the prime of 21st century hedonism. he had no idea what a drug-fuelled culture chefs often indulged in, and the restaurant industry’s high-stress, fast-paced culture would only fuel his appetite for drugs, alcohol, and sin. shit, sometimes he couldn’t even taste his own food right. honestly, it was fair that he was being fired from the best restaurant gig he’d landed thus far.

he bursts out the back exit of the restaurant, shooting an empty glare at some of his ex-colleagues chilling by the loading dock. fuck, he should’ve never taken up their offer to “try something new” a few months back. they yell something at him in confusion, but he doesn’t look back and continues to walk into the paris streets. he wishes he had somewhere to go.

PRESENT.

comfort food: food that provides consolation or a feeling of well-being, typically associated with childhood or home cooking. it was a pity how nothing about his childhood or home cooking was anything close to what he associated with consolation or well-being. rather, it’s what he retreats to now that over-indulgence has left him trashed and starving for any bit of hope and pleasure.

he’s lucky to have found a rising restaurant in seoul that will give someone like him a chance. they were impressed by his expertise of foreign cuisine, especially for someone who had no formal technical education and clearly lacked the financial means to have naturally developed such a fine palette. he doesn’t tell them it’s because he’s a bad son who ran away from home, abandoning his mother and ashamed of her cooking, which was for sustenance, not pleasure. he doesn’t tell them that he’s back home because he’s an ex-addict, fired from his last gig, and really has no other option.

he’s been living in the sharehouse for a few months now, and it’s honestly not bad at all, especially for the rent. if anything, it reminds him of his backpacking days staying in crowded hostels. new people, new stories. it’s less lonely that way. he’s glad to cook for the other residents when he can, as they make fine testers for new recipes and innovation that he can’t try on real customers back at work. the rooftop is a fine place to wind down too, especially on days when he’s allowed to sneak home a bottle of fine wine or liquor left over from the day. and although he hates to admit, he’s missed the irreplaceable charm of korean food. after all, food is everything someone is. it’s an extension of identity, personal history, culture, family, friends. it’s inseparable from those from the get-go.

[newssplashy]

Okonjo-Iweala: 'How Gov Aregbesola assaulted me'--ex minister

Former finance minister, Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, says Governor Rauf Aregbesola assaulted and attacked her during the Goodluck Jonathan era.

Former Finance Minister and Coordinating Minister of the Economy during the Goodluck Jonathan years of 2011 to 2015, Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, says Osun State Governor Rauf Aregbesola once verbally assaulted her over savings in the Excess Crude Account (ECA) and Sovereign Wealth Fund (SWF).

Okonjo-Iweala made the revelation in her newest book: ‘Fighting Corruption Is Dangerous, the story behind the headlines’.

Okonjo-Iweala says as oil prices began to plummet circa 2014, she got the backing of then President Jonathan and Vice President Namadi Sambo to save for the rainy day. However, she adds, powerful state governors were having none of it.

 Sounding the alarm

“Oil prices had recovered from their 2008 lows and were hovering near $86 a barrel in August 2011. There was no reason not to save more. I sounded the alarm right away and continued to press the point at every opportunity.

“My insistence on savings was backed by President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan and Vice President Namadi Sambo. The Vice President was Chair of the National Economic Council (NEC), the monthly forum designed to bring the federal and state governments together to discuss national economic policy”, she wrote.

“The issue of savings, the rationale for it, and modalities for doing so were most often debated at the NEC. The strong support of the president and vice president enabled us to engage the governors in 2012 and 2013 and to rebuild the country’s fiscal buffers. As a result, the country had saved about $9billion in the ECA by the end of 2013”.

'The roof caving in'

A year before the general elections, Okonjo-Iweala writes, the governors turned on her for insisting on savings.

“By the beginning of 2014, the governors began to argue constantly in the NEC that there was no need to save money for “these rainy day funds”—as I had termed them—because it was already raining, the roof was caving in, and money should be spent to take care of the multiple needs of their states.

 “The chief opponent of these arguments to deposit savings in the SWF or the ECA was Governor Chibuike Amaechi of Rivers State, chair of the Nigerian Governors’ Forum (NGF). He was strongly supported by Governor Adams Oshiomhole of Edo state, who was very vocal in voicing his disapproval and his suspicions of the federal government’s management of the ECA; Governor Babatunde Raji Fashola of Lagos State, a lawyer and Senior Advocate of Nigeria (SAN) who objected on constitutional grounds; and Godswill Akpabio of Akwa Ibom state, later chair of the People’s Democratic Party (PDP) Governors Forum.

“Others, such as Governor Peter Obi of Anambra state, argued for savings but were not supported. Their voices were drowned out and NEC sessions became unpleasant when this topic arose”.

Verbal assault

Okonjo-Iweala recalls one particular NEC meeting with the governors where tempers flared.

“I recall one session early in 2014, where I was quizzed, harangued and bullied by some governors and then verbally assaulted by Governor Rauf Aregbesola of Osun State. The vice president had to intervene to tell Governor Aregbesola that people might carry on aggressively in his state capital but that such behavior would not be tolerated in the meeting or in Abuja.

"The vice president’s firm stance and his support ended the abuse. Although some of Governor Aregbesola’s fellow governors apologized to me after the meeting, I felt very uncomfortable after the verbal attacks and decided to limit my attendance at NEC meetings as much as possible and to keep my distance from the hostile governors. Some of these same governors—particularly Adams Oshiomhole of Edo State—spearheaded attacks against me after I left government in 2015, trying to tarnish my name with false accusations of corruption.

 “The pressure from the governors to share the accumulated savings was overwhelming. Over the months, money that should have been safeguarded to secure the country against a fall in oil prices was shared with the states. By the end of 2014, the ECA had been spent down to $2.3billion. There was pressure to share even that as the 2015 elections drew closer. But we held the line, leaving some resources in the coffers for the new government”, Okonjo-Iweala says.

Governor Aregbesola wasn’t immediately available for comments, but an aide of his told Pulse that the governor will respond to Okonjo-Iweala’s allegations “someday soon when he feels like it”.

Amaechi's reaction

On his part, Amaechi who is now Minister for Transportation, owned up to some of Okonjo-Iweala’s allegations. He said the governors called for the money in the ECA to be shared because the account was depleting fast.

“During Goodluck Jonathan, every month when the governors went for the economic council meeting, the amount in the account kept dropping. If we asked about what happened to the money, the response we got was that the president approved for it to be spent.

 “So we said can we please share this money because the rate at which it was going, the president would have continually approved $1billion to spend and we won’t know what we are spending for and they won’t give us an account.

“So we told the vice president and the minister for finance that there was a need for us to share part of this money and we began to agitate. They now agreed to share part of the money and they did. In the first six months of Goodluck Jonathan, oil subsidy increased. Governors started complaining and then we had a meeting in the office of the president’s wife.

“At the meeting, we asked for assurance that the presidency would no longer collect for oil subsidy and he promised. It is not right for Mrs Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala to say governors were not willing to save; governors were willing to save but we insisted on sharing the money when we saw that the money was not properly managed”, Amaechi had said.

Anti-feminists

Okonjo-Iweala adds that she was often the target of attacks in a male dominated environment, simply because she was female and a powerful one at that.

“Some of the anger was directed at me because not only did I have “control” over the allocation of the budget but I also had the additional designation of Coordinating Minister for the Economy (CME), a designation no cabinet member had ever held in the country’s history.

“Male politicians and commentators often claimed that women had too much control, and unfortunately not all female ministers exercised their power well or wisely”.

 Okonjo-Iweala shares the account of another attack at the hands of the then Group Managing Director (GMD) of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC).

“In one such meeting, the GMD of NNPC, Austin Oniwon, challenged my right to ask for information on production volumes and sales or even to try to hold NNPC accountable to deliver the needed volume of funding. In the presence of his colleagues and senior management from the Finance Ministry, such as the DG of the Budget Office, he aggressively challenged me to the point that I had to walk out of the meeting so that the discussion would not degenerate further", she says.

Nigeria slipped into a recession in August of 2016 following two consecutive quarters of negative growth. The country emerged out of its worst economic slump in 29 years in September of 2017, but growth has been slow and ponderous under President Muhammadu Buhari who succeeded Jonathan in 2015.

source http://www.newssplashy.com/2018/08/okonjo-iweala-how-gov-aregbesola.html

[alyssheart]

confessions and story time

i know i haven't posted any of my art in a while. im sorry about that, but i feel inspired after watching a few youtube videos about depression and suicide awareness and i want to tell my story. and its LONG.

A lot of what im about to say no one but my closest friend of 15 years knows. My family, my other friends. no one knows. but here i am about to tell my story, poor grammar and all. so here's your TMI and trigger warning. Let's dive deep

Let me give you some back story. I am 29 years old. I suffer from Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal thoughts. I have 2 amazing little boys, a beautiful daughter who passed away (more on that later). I have a very supportive and understanding fiance. And my family, although a bit dysfunctional at times, is an amazing support group for me and loves me unconditionally.

That being said, there are things that i never told anyone because im one of those people that dont like to burden others when there's so many other, more serious issues that are going on around me to others that i care about.

When i was a little kid, i was adventurous, curious, a little shy. I was 100% a daddy's girl. In my eyes daddy could do no wrong. My mom and i were close too, but in a different way. Dont get me wrong, i LOVE my mom, i always have but it took my mom and dads divorce and a lot of self reflection and hearing stories to know my "do no wrong" dad was anything but.

That, however, is not my story to tell, but its where my story starts.

When my dad left us, we had just moved to Ohio from Alabama. I was young, 6th grade. Of course i stayed with my mom, and my dad moved back to Alabama. I took this hard, i stopped taking care of myself. I didnt shower, i didn't brush my teeth, i didnt want to. my mom would have to force me to not be the smelly kid. my grades in school plummeted, i just didnt care.

a few years passed and then BOYS. Now, since i was young, even in Alabama had "boyfriends". But when i say BOYS i mean preteen-teenager hardcore "im in love and will never love anyone else!" kind of BOYS.

That's when i started taking care of myself again. I would hang out every Saturday night at the local skating rink. thats where i met him. my beginning to my end. my first "love". For protection, we'll call him Steven.

Steven was 2 years older than me, so cute, a sweet talking, gangster wanna-be. the bad boy your mother warns you about. He and i started a relationship that lasted on and off for 4 years.

He cheated on me a lot. Not sleeping around, because he was only 13 (at the begining, i was 11) at the time, but writing notes to other girls, kissing etc. Everytime it would break my little heart, but every time he would sweet talk his way back to me and I'd fall for it EVERY TIME.

lets fast forward a bit, i was now 13, he was 15. My mom is now seeing someone else, who would eventually become my stepdad/little sisters dad. We went to this little town for a semi monthly street fair. While my mom and her new boyfriend stayed at the booth he was working Steve and i started walking around. We walked down this ally way to take a short cut to a store we wanted to visit that sold albums, records etc.

He stopped me in the ally way, and to not become to graphic, things happened. Things I was not ready for, but convinced myself was okay at the time, because i "loved him" and we'd be "together forever ". i cried the entire time, he assumed it was from the pain. It was really because i knew, at this moment i was not ready, and no matter how i tried to convince myself, i KNEW it was wrong. i never said no. i never tried to stop it, that time.

Fast forward again a few months later. My mom drops me off at his house so we could ride to the skating rink together. his parents were home, in the living room and we went to his bed room and i insisted on leaving the door open. he and i had not been alone since that day and i wanted to keep it that way. we started to talk and he asked why we never fooled around after that. I told him that i just didnt want to. i was scared of my mom finding out, or getting pregnant...

He.. got.. PISSED. i mean, he was ANGRY. he held his hand over my mouth so i couldnt scream, grabbed my arm and held me to the wall in his room. He then said "You're tall, fat and stupid. who else is going to love you like i do? So why won't you give me what I need?"

Those words.. stabbed me in my heart like a million daggers. Thing about it was, i wasnt fat.. i was healthy. Yes, i am tall, always have been my dad is 6"7' what do you expect? I also was NOT stupid. i may not have gotten good grades in school but thats because i was not doing homework or turning my work in. not because i didnt understand it but because I didnt care about school.

He then closed, his door, locked it, covered my mouth with his hand, and had his way with me, again....

I sat on his bed and cried until his dad drove us to the skating rink and i found my best friend at the time and told her almost everything that happened in his room that day. She protected me from him the rest of the night. wouldn't let him near me and she and i danced all the anger and pain away.

Of course, im a sucker for punishment and he used all the right words and came back into my life weeks later.

around this time, I started lying to my mom, i stole from my cousin, worst of all i stoped eating. there was a nagging thought always in the back of my mind that i was fat and needed to lose weight. this was actually pretty easy for me. my mom worked A LOT to support me, anywhere from 8-12 hours a day so i would be left at home alone and simply not eat until she was around. I didnt even eat luch at school. id sit with my friends while they ate lunch and i would pretend to have eaten a lot of snacks during the day, or a large breakfast.

Now, remember when i said that i started lying to my mom a lot. It got to a point where she wouldnt believe anything i said. Which, i cant say i blame her, i was being a bitch. But this caused some abuse from my now ex step dad to go unnoticed. I dont blame her for that, looking back now i know she believes me when i would tell her about the time he punched me in the stomach and i think at times she feels bad she didnt believe me when it happened. so i hold no grudges against her. I only bring this up to explain how truly fucked up i was around this time.

So between having to pretend to like my step dad, to Steve getting inside my head, basically starving myself and having my mom not believe a word i said to her about anything. i started to feel so alone....

if you're wondering, the situation with Steve never went any further than those 2 times mentioned. other than that he was the "love of my life".

Eventually the situation had gotten so bad at home that my mom made me start seeing a therapist. He was the 1st person that knew everything, aside from the ally way no one knew about that until I met my best friend Jeff years later.

Fast foward again. My mom gets pregnant with my sister, so we move to a house with my step dad to a new city.

This is where things changed for me, in a positive way. i met Jeff, he became my best friend, my therapist, my brother, my world. He helped me work through a lot of things that i didnt know how to handel. he was there for me when my step dad started abusing my mom. He was there whenever i needed him. he was my saving grace. my angel. He made me stop talking to Steve and preoccupied my time so Steve couldnt weasel his way back into my life. 30 mins isn't much of a drive for a teenager thinking hes about to have sex. Jeff knew this and protected me from it.

Fast forward again, i am now out of high school, im living with this guy who i started dating my senior year. we had been together for 3 years at this point and it was fading fast. we didnt love each other anymore and did everything we could to not be around each other. Thats when i met Chris. My ride or die. the 2nd closest friend i had beside Jeff. I was seriously over weight at this point, and hated myself. i was living with a guy i didnt love but had to pretend i did around everyone else. She was there for me. offered me a roof to live under if i decided to break up with this guy. She would work out with me to help me loose weight, not because she thought i was fat, but because she knew i wanted it. and she gave me the motivation to want to change. then it eventually happened. my boyfriend and i broke up about a week before Easter in 2011.

This is around the time i met my now fiance. my ex and i decided to make it official and move out of the apt my ex and i were living in about 2 months after we broke up, because i wanted things to be official with my now fiance. I moved in with my mom, he moved in with his grandma and that was the end of that.

In November of 2011 after being told i could not have children since i was 19 i got pregnant, with the most beautiful little girl Kairi. Man was she loved. By everyone. not even in the world yet and she was so.. so loved. August 7th 2012 she was stillborn. her cord wrapped around her neck, with a trueknot. she had been dead for a few days before my body decided it was dangerous and needed to come out.

Sept. 1st we burried half her ashes and kept the other half, she is here with me now. My fiance and i decided that we were ready and we needed to try again.

on August 5th 2013 Quin was born. a beautful healthy baby boy, that looked so much like his sister it hurt at first. but that was my baby, the one thing in my life that i was not ashamed of, the one thing in my life that was missing.

Then, to everyones surpize July 25th 2014 Came Silas. my 3rd baby. My beautiful baby boy whom has made ny life and my home so complete.

Happy ending right? Not really. I love my children, i love my fiance, but im scared. im so broken from so many things. im still tall, fat and ugly in my mind. I still try to fix everyone elses problems before my own. I still keep to myself. social situations make me nervous and scared. everything i do feels wrong. im not happy with myself, im not happy with my job, my living situation. Im just not happy.

And yes, at times i have suicidal thoughts. I would never do anything to harm myself, but theres always that thought of "what if". if not for those 2 little boys and their hugs and kisses and just the fact that they need me. i would welcome death with open arms. but for now. telling my story, finally getting everything off my chest is what i need.

im starting Therapy again on March 1st, so hopefully some real professional help will make a differnce.

I felt like i needed to tell this story, not only for myself but for people who know me. for people who get annoyed that i apologize all the time. people who think i hate them because i wont hang out with them. Im trying. i am. im trying to better myself, for me, for you, for my family.

i love each and every one of you so much. i truly do. i dont hate many people. believe it or not Steve and I made amends a few years ago, and even though i would not call him a friend. i forgive him for everything. if i can forgive him and have peace and closure, i can truly say that i believe in my heart of hearts that i am not this terrible moster that i believe i am. I will give chances after chances. I will forgive people fatser for hurting me than the people i love. maybe thats my problem, i dont know. i know ive made mistakes and if the people ive wronged didnt forgive me, i would truly have no one right now.

I want to help people because i cannot help myself. thats my curse.

sorry for the super long post. and thanks for reading my story.

Love always-