#the problem is rn I play this game once every few weeks and my internet is fine but not like. amazing

[humofnight]

Let’s see if I get to play any bg3 tonight or if there’s a fuck off big patch that’s gonna send me back to listening to laufey

[nyrator]

another long vent post about depression/anxiety

extremely depressed tonight

first made the mistake of driving myself to the grocery store at 6pm, first I had to try scraping the ice off the windshield with nothing but a broom and bare hands, then driving itself was nightmareish, the car feels like a death trap to me, very loose and sloppy compared to my last car, so loud and uncomfortable with no audible music to calm my nerves. My eyes have worsened to the point where I can’t see anything at night- glare takes up my whole vision, even with anti-glare shades. I was driving well below the speed limit the entire time and still almost hit three pedestrians who were all recklessly out on the roads in all black for whatever reason. My nerves are completely shot from it, my chest feels like I’m in a vice and can’t breathe, my eyes are wide open and hunched over the steering wheel, and my body feels both like I’m about to wet myself at any moment and that I’m too stiff/tense/frozen to function as a human at all, it’s that fight-or-flight response at its extreme. Meanwhile, my skin must be weak- my knuckles bleed when driving, and my wrists bled just from carrying in bags of groceries.

then getting home and just dealing with personal drama of someone I know who is so depressed and self destructive and too smart to reason with, who refuses/is unable to seek professional help, who just doesn’t understand or just can’t help venting to me nonstop, no matter how much I beg them not to over and over- their life is so terrible that suicide seems like the only option to them, and I don’t want them to do so, but I can’t keep suffering like this either and I feel like the only thing preventing them from doing so, as poor a job as I do as a human being anyway. But I can’t help them if they can’t help themselves, even if they were just ate a bit better, or just had a journal or someone anonymous they could talk to, but it seems inescapable and impossible to change anything and all we do is argue over it until I snap at them to leave me alone. That person is probably reading this right now and probably hating it, but I doubt anyone on this site even knows who they are.

Tuesday morning, I couldn’t sleep at all from anxiety- it was so severe and inescapable, I laid in bed for four hours feeling like I was dying until I was finally able to sleep for two hours. I can’t seem to stay asleep longer than two hours anymore. Was supposed to hang out with friends that day, but between lack of sleep, depression, and my absolute terror at driving in a snowstorm, I ended up just staying home.

Anxiety has gotten so bad again. I know a lot of how the mechanics work behind it, I know a lot of pains are from tension and lack of breathing. But my old coping mechanisms don’t work anymore. I can focus on breathing for several minutes straight and then fall right back into suffocating. Music, counting things, meditating, none of it helps anymore.

One way to describe the feeling of anxiety- it’s kind of like when you fall asleep on your arm, and you feel all the blood rushing back into it and that tingling sensation. Imagine that, maybe a bit less, but throughout your entire body (especially chest), your body is stiff and not numb, and your entire body is vibrating or shivering/shaking or something.

I still spend 16+ hours laying in bed every single day. When I got home from shopping, the walking around (and the stress of driving) was enough to send me straight to bed, I was so tired and weak. It’s probably why I don’t sleep properly, I’m half awake in bed all the time, what need is there for sleep

I have mail I haven’t opened, taxes I still have to do, messes to clean, and don’t care for any of it. Can’t even talk about some things I’ve been doing to myself out of spite or general depression, the way I’ve been abusing. I promise to try not to do anything too crazy or directly harmful, but even then I worry about slipping up- I tried one thing I shouldn’t talk about, which wasn’t too serious, but still seriously concerning how easy it was to try doing

still haven’t contacted a therapist, my fear of calling someone is so strong I can’t overcome it, especially not after just waking up. Talked to some friends, some agree that I should, at least one thinks it’s a waste of time and money- up to $125 per session to just get a glorified phone call thanks to covid restrictions. I just don’t see the point if I’m still stuck in my apartment at my computer, especially if I have an internet addiction already.

The lack of doing anything is driving me insane, I think. I’ve played four single player games in 2020- ACNH, KH MoM, Panel de Pon, and Picross. In terms of things watched on my own, probably just Japan Sinks and whatever else was on Netflix the few months I had it. Don’t feel motivated to play or watch anything anymore, nothing seems interesting, and mostly just do things with friends if at all

Even ACNH, the game I play the most, I barely do anything in it- mostly just get new items from stores, that’s it. My island decorating has come to a hard halt, mostly because I barely have any furniture I’d like to embellish it with, and mainly because I have no ideas to layout most of it

I want to create, but don’t have the energy to make anything at all. Rotten Nyan is still my current goal, but anxiety has made it next to impossible to work on. I’ve tried several times the past few weeks, all met with failure- the anxiety’s too much, half the time I don’t even know what’s causing it, but my body just gets too tense and cramped without even doing anything, and I just can’t breathe at all while working on it.

Thought about making an omake comic for it, then realized what a terrible idea it was, and how hard it is to draw comics in general. Or anything in general. Wrote down the entire comic while laying in bed one day, went to draw it, was unable to, tried making it a yonkoma, gave up, and felt sick thinking of all the gross things in it that I just made a vent description of Middle Lave and just posted that to the RN tumblr instead.

I can’t think of any ideas, I feel like my art has regressed- I’ve taken more shortcuts for the sake of my hands tensing so fast from anxiety, and I’ve gotten decent at drawing middle Lave I feel, but anything besides a character standing is impossible for me- any environments or character interactions that I’d love to do just feel impossible, let alone my inability to write good ones. Anything I try to think of writing-wise always ends up the same gross content that burned into my memories that I just can’t feel comfortable talking about much at all, nor do I think it’s content people want to see at all.

There’s a lot of detailed kind of art I’d like to do. I kind of want to loosen my restrictions on myself and just draw whatever suffering I feel like, maybe once I use the RN twitter more I might get a little more courage to do so. I see many artists draw detailed scenes in single images, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t capture that feeling.

Part of me feels torn about it being an autobiography for people to relate to, and being a suffering experience for people to find some weird enjoyment out of. I feel like I’ve lost sight of what it was originally meant to be and now just enjoy “bullying” Middle Lave half the time I guess, but unfortunately for me, bullying makes me feel like vomiting and is hard to draw consistently- maybe I’m too nice. I don’t know, I’m just rambling at this point. The comic is still laid out and just meant to explore the life of Lave, but it’s just so hard to work on.

In terms of other things, I have no idea what to do

Vtuber/streaming? Hate my voice, can’t focus on learning what I need for it in terms of rigging and texturing models. I only know the basics of making 3D things and nothing else.

Console art? I already designed all the ones I’m mainly interested in, but like I mentioned before, can’t think of any character interactions at all that I feel like drawing.

Making a game? I know 2k3 well enough to make anything in it event-wise, though never got over my map failings, and I can’t commit to anything long-term. Godot or another program, or programming in general? Good luck.

I just want to make something, work on a project without losing steam or letting anxiety prevent me from learning. Can’t focus on anything long enough to learn it- Japanese, making a game, programming, a new hobby, anything. I just don’t have the drive to do anything and will give up anything I even try to start, so what’s the point in even trying anything. I have books I haven’t read that I’ve been meaning to read for years, and still don’t have an ounce of energy to want to even organize them on their shelf, let alone open it

At the very least, I got my first big commission (second one ever), designing an OC for someone, and it’s going well, though tonight I’ve lost steam to finish it, and I hope I can get it back tomorrow to try to finalize it.

I’ve mentioned it before, but I really wish I just had someone guide me with art- I miss doing those 30 day challenge kind of things, or “send a number/emoji” kind of asks for OCs, but tumblr’s so inactive that I don’t see them on my dash anymore, and don’t know how to even look for them, especially not on sites like twitter these days. Though, the problem is, no one knows exactly what I like, and I feel awful letting people down if they ask for something I don’t want to draw

I can’t focus on exercise long term, and I’m so out of practice that exhaustion is too strong to beat. I’ve been trying to walk up and down on a step stool for exercise to get me back into basic movement, but even that’s too tiring. Want to do it while watching something, then I realize, I don’t watch anything at all, not even youtube, just an occasional artist stream that I mainly chat with rather than watch

I feel like I’m going to collapse if I turn or move too suddenly, and my eyes are absolutely terrible- glasses are okay, but without them I’m completely blind now- not just blind, but it’s like my eyes see at two different angles sometimes, like one is slanted or something, very disorientating.

It’s 7:30AM, and no desire to sleep at all. Terrified of laying in bed and letting anxiety take over me again. Part of me wants to become completely nocturnal and just avoid everyone during the day and just respond to messages in the AM hours, just wake up at midnight each day and avoid dealing with people. Go to sleep when everyone starts to get active and just isolate myself entirely from society.

I feel like I exist with no purpose whatsoever, and it’s driving me insane- not that life is meant to have a purpose, but I could at least be doing something more than laying in bed all day every day for a year

[purplesurveys]

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Have you ever disliked someone just because a friend disliked them? Yessssss. That’s my job as a best friend hahahaha half kidding. No but seriously though, I have. I mean I’d still be objective and tell my friend if their enemy is making sense in some aspects, but at the end of the day I’ll give them the extra support by disliking that person anyway. Which would you rather own: A camera or a video camera. Why? Video camera, because I’ve always wanted to start vlogging and my phone’s camera is already quite decent, so I’m not really needing a camera right now. Have you ever won a lot of money in a slot machine? How much? Nah, I’ve never even played in a casino. I’ve been in one but I was only 18 then, so I couldn’t really do anything except to walk through the casino and stare at all the machines and booths that I couldn’t play at haha. Do you watch sports on TV even though you aren't a sporty person yourself? I will sometimes watch a tennis or MMA match if I catch them on, but that’s about it. I wouldn’t know who to root for either, or know who’s the better player; I just watch for the action. Do you eat / drink at your computer? Yes but I try to avoid it more these days because I hate greasing up my trackpad or leaving bits of food on my keyboard. If I really have to eat at my laptop I’ll put on a show or a video to watch so that I don’t have to actually be using my laptop.

How much do you overeat at special occasions? (Birthdays, Christmas, etc) I don’t think I have the capacity to overeat haha. My room for food is small so when I get full I simply stop eating, or I no longer get up to get a second serving. Generally I try to get a piece of every meal though, no matter how little; I always want to have a taste of everything so that I don’t miss out. The music you listen to: Is it mostly sung by female or male vocalists? I think it’s an equal amount but when it comes to frequency I think I’ve been listening to female vocalists more often – Beyoncé, Paramore, The Japanese House, Banks, etc. My playlists generally have both female and male artists though cause I also listen to Hozier, alt-J, Coldplay, Rhye, Joji, and other male dudes. Do you think it's important to enjoy your job or do you just work for money? As much as possible people should always aim to end up somewhere where they love what they do for a living, but given that I’m quite materialistic but mostly grew up in a household with a mom who was very frugal and often reiterated the joys of a simple life (aka a life I hated lmao), I think I’d have no problem having a job that pays handsomely but wasn’t necessarily viewed as fun. I wanna be able to spoil and reward myself after all the work I do. Do you require glasses / contacts to see properly? If so, which do you use? Yeah, I have glasses. Tell me an embarrassing thing that happened to you recently: I shared a serious-toned Facebook post earlier tonight and Gabie’s dad gave it a like. I’ve mostly forgotten he was my Facebook friend and so I started feeling embarrassed because normally I would shitpost and share stupid memes and if he liked my post, it must mean he sees everything I share jkfhjkfhjkf. When you hear your voice back on a recording, do you think it sounds awful? No. I don’t usually cringe when I hear it; I think it sounds okay. When was the last time you got the hiccups? Aaaaaaaaages ago. I can’t even tell you when. If you had to, which record would you go into Guinness World Records for? I saw a video on Facebook of this woman getting into Guinness for finishing the most jars of mayonnaise in a certain amount of time (I wanna say 5 minutes?) and I was so thrilled to see such a record cause I can honestly see myself breaking it HAHAHAHAHA mayonnaise is <3 The last sweet thing you ate: What was it? A chocolate chip cookie, except we don’t have chocolate chips so my dad had to improvise and chopped up Flat Tops instead. If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? I’d toy with my second name and probably go with Belle or Bella. Do you have a middle name? Do you find it embarrassing? Yeah I think all Filipinos come with a legal second name. I don’t find mine embarrassing it all; it’s a source of great pride since I have a lot of relatives etched in Philippine history with that name. I don’t ever want to lose it and I’ll probably continue to keep it even after I’m married. What would you choose to be famous for? It’d be nice to be known for a blog. If I had the time, resources, and tbh the connections it would be amazing to write about anything under the sun for an audience. What is your current occupation? Do you enjoy it? I don’t have any at the moment, but I’m about to start looking for one. Do / Did you enjoy school? Why (not)? There are some parts I enjoy/ed (the friends I made for high school, the overwhelming independence I gained in college) and some parts I hate/d (some classes I was forced to take in high school, my inability to adjust during my first year of college). I don’t regret either periods though, and I can never say I completely hated them. If you have a webcam, are you ever paranoid people can see you? Yes hahaha. I never got around to buying a webcam protector either. Do you find it difficult to sleep at night? Any reason(s) why? Only when there’s something unresolved, like a deadline that’s bugging me or if Gab and I have been arguing. Otherwise I’m knocked out in like 10 minutes. If you had to go on a game show, which would you choose? Family Feud or Jeopardy. What about if you had to go on a reality show? Which would you choose then? QUEER EYE. Talk about wholesome. Tell me about your favourite TV show: Blue meth, New Mexico, lots of chemistry, objectively one of the greatest pieces of television ever. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? Why? I probably wished this a few times when I was a pre-teen and liking girly things was still seen as lame. How the hell did we not question mindsets like that before, damn. If you had dental braces, which colour would you make them? I did have braces and I always picked a different color for every trip to the dentist, so it’s very possible I had tried out the entire rainbow. Does any part of your body hurt right now? Where and why? My back hurts rn, understandably, because my posture is shitty. Why were you last irritated? Slow internet. What time did you get up this morning? I think that was already 11 in the morning. The last city you were in: Where was it and do you like it there? Other than my own it was in Pasig. It’s okay but I definitely prefer other cities. It’s a little too crowded and congested for me and also too expensive to stay at, eugh. If I had the choice I’d rather hang in Makati or QC. Do you like the countryside? They’re nice spots for a short vacation, but I wouldn’t want to live there. I’ve grown used to the hustle and bustle of cities. If you see someone yawn, do you often yawn as well? Sure. Recommend me a good movie: Good Will Hunting, Requiem for a Dream (but sad), Roman Holiday, Gone with the Wind, 2001: A Space Odyssey. Do you think you'd make a good model? Would you ever want to be one? I don’t work out or do anything to maintain a certain figure so I don’t have the the ideal body for modeling; if anything the only factor I have going for me is the fact that I’m quite skinny. I did want to be a model when I was a teenager though; that was around the time VS Angels were extremely popular, so I’m not surprised I used to want to be like them. How often do you change your hairstyle? What does it look like now? I only change it up once a year. Right now I have a bit of a bob with bangs. Truth or Dare? Truth. I never have a problem saying the truth lmao. Do you have a favourite day of the week? Which is it? This semester it was Tuesday, because it had my lightest schedule. Nowadays every week is just a blur to me and I stopped having a favorite day.