#the stress I feel about my grant submission to convincing myself the friend I’ve been hooking up with for like 6 months

[missjessisamess]

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[astrangershrt]

Chapter 24

One of my favorite things about every year, is my birthday landing within the first two weeks. Every New Year’s Eve feels like the prelude to another birthday, and there could not possibly be a time more refreshing for me.

As I close 2017, and almost move into my 25th year of existence there are a number of things I would like to openly reflect on, and I hope that my lessons and enlightenment is useful to anyone who stumbles upon this letter to myself.

God qualifies the called.

Biggest 2017 takeaway. For a long time I knew what my passion was, but I never really had a clear idea of what exactly I wanted to pursue within my passion or what type of legacy I wanted to build for myself within my field. 

Long story short, throughout my college years I flipped back and forth between journalism, vocal performance, and public relations — granted these are all lanes I could pursue within music —however I could not figure out which one I really would enjoy for a lifetime. I ran an art submission/review blog for about a year which I really enjoyed partaking in, however I got bored with music blogging. I started a vlog/lifestyle brand with a few of my friends, it actually did really well, was featured on Bossip, but the brand was extremely disorganized, and I personally had issues with members, but anyway… mid 2017, after 3 years, the brand dismantled. I was a media personality on an amazing podcast for 2 years called, “The Podcast About Nothing,” however over time we all lost interest in recording episodes, and that too came to an end mid-2017. 

At the close of 2016 I was named Editor-in-chief of Dinner Land Network (New York) — a production agency/independent creative arts platform heavily influenced by music and pop-culture. (Sidenote: It’s funny now thinking about it, it’s starting to seem like the transitions into new years are my best times.) With this position came a plethora of opportunities, including speaking on my first panel, which was extremely trying… but that’s another topic… (lol) During my first year with this network I’ve been able to highlight countless underground musicians that never receive their well-deserved recognition. The joy I feel as a result of providing these artists with a look is joy that I cannot put into words. In 2017 I found my calling in talent scouting, music curation, artist relations, and digital strategy. 

Even as I’m writing this I still struggle with the realization that this is my calling, being that it finally hit me today. For years I’ve been blind to my own influence and talents, lacked confidence within myself, was too humble and not proud enough, and constantly compared myself to my peers who were seemingly far more successful than I. Earlier today a good friend of mine brought me to uncontrollable tears after expressing his belief in me, in my skill, in my calling. It was as if his words were the missing piece of my soul, the piece that I’ve needed for years to fully understand, believe in my value, to understand the way in which people value me. 

“You have a gift. Ain’t no coincidence that your words, your ear, and your eye can move people. Don’t ignore that. Just continue to grow comfortable in what you’re doing. You’ve been ready.

For my senior thesis to get out of school, for a reference to a professional who I wanted to model my career after, I used you an as example.

Your story is no different from a Karen Civil, or a Lauryn Hill or a Whitney Houston. A talented woman from Jersey who is gonna change the game forever. All things grow in the Garden.”

Thank you Dave, I love you dearly. Truly blessed to possess your friendship.

It is ok to not be okay.

This entire year I spent removing myself from unhealthy friendships and found happiness in my solitude. What I did not do was truly allow my heart, mind, and soul to heal. From “daddy issues”, to never experiencing a good, healthy, loving relationship, to dealing with terrible friendships, I never allowed myself to recouperate from all of that hurt. Instead, I shut out feelings and people, and convinced myself that if I did this long enough, I would overcome the feelings of hurt. Last night another friend of mine called me and allowed me to pour my feelings into him. 100% of these thoughts and feelings were feelings I’ve never admitted to anyone, let alone myself. I did not realize how hurt I still am until I cried through speaking my truths to him last night. Truly a turning point for me. Writing this now makes me cry… it feels like a festering wound. It hurts to keep thinking about the hurt that I burried over the past couple of years. It hurts to know that years following certain situations, they still affect me. 

On the flip side, I realized it is okay to not be okay. I feel as though for years I understood and agreed with this concept but only when applied to others, and I never allowed this to be something that I applied to myself. Instead I chalked all my failures, poor relationships, and heartbreaks to “you weren’t good enough,” and “you should’ve did….”, “you shouldn’t have done….” I’ve become so critical of myself and my shortcomings that I never stop to give myself credit for how amazing of a person I am, how good of a person, how selfless and caring of a person, how genuine of a person I am.  I never stopped to think that maybe I deserved better. 

Now looking back on all of my failed relationships I can fully understand why they failed. I was settling because I lost sight of my value, more and more with every loss that I took. But thank you God, for now I can see. Thank you for reviving my vision. 

You deserve the love you try to give others.

You cannot properly love, if you do not love yourself first.

You are already complete, and do not need to be completed by anyone.

Healing is an active process — in no way, shape, or form will you begin to heal with passive approaches to rebuilding yourself. 

A good heart is never a curse. The poor intentions of another are never a reflection of you. Remain good, goodness will find its way to you. 

Knowledge isn’t power until it is applied.

Stress is inactivity.

Remove yourself from surroundings that your gut tells you that you do not belong in —constantly editing yourself to fit in is mentally draining. 

Do not compare yourself to others, the Lord’s path for you will always be for you and no one else. Comparison is inactivity, also mentally draining.

Travel, experience the world, experience different people —allow yourself to fully indulge in these experiences, truly appreciate them.

Individuality exists on a spectrum. Do not create boundaries for yourself or others based off what you feel you or they “should be like.”

You are the alchemist of your loneliness. You can create anything in its place.

Good friends are invaluable.

Sometimes the best thing to be is underestimated.

Lastly…

Never be intimidated by your blessings.

Thank you 2017, hello Chapter 25.

[c-osmicparadise]

From 100 to 0

Back on tumblr for a while because I feel like I should be documenting this whole experience down. (Also because I don’t have the mental capacity nor mood to be studying, and I’ve exhausted everything interesting there is on the Internet). So here goes... 

Today is 11/11/2017. About 3 weeks back, I made the crazy decision to come back to Singapore for reading week + the extra week of ABFC I had left to submit the Mini-Proj. I came home on 29/10/2017 and it was great! Being home meant not having to cook but still having amazing food; not having to stress over laundry/ cleaning and just focusing on my work. 

I spent the week mostly cooped up at home trying to complete the Mini Project Report because our results were sadly very insignificant and it was tough trying to justify them. I was free on Friday after submissions, and the next day (3/11/2017) headed to meet my best friend and also catch a play at Yale-NUS. 

Met many USP friends across Monday and Tuesday as well and that was when the condition of my body became more apparent. While preparing for a meetup with A on Monday, I had already pictured what I was going to wear. A proven ensemble of a nice grey top and a green maxi skirt. But when I put it on, it looked terrible. I was confused. This same thing happened for a couple of dresses that I knew I looked good in, but I just didn’t anymore?? How could it be. I expressed my slight disdain to my folks, and they were puzzled too. 

Fast forward 2 days later, mom and aunt were convinced that there was something wrong with my abdomen. So they made me lie down, and true enough, unlike what would happen with fats i.e. you would still look flat when you lied down; my abdomen was protruding out. 

And all this time I had brushed it off as “FUPA - Fatty Upper Pubic Area” / Lower Belly Fat which even made me go for HIIT sessions with M and G during the week. So it turns out that it was not. 

The whole fam was activated as we went to Thomson Medical Centre for a Women’s clinic on Weds 8/11/2017. It was quite a funny experience tbh initially, as everyone there was pregnant and I felt sorely out of place/ conditioned to think that I may be pregnant too (???) but of course we know that wasn’t possible. But I was still super happy to see all these budding young couples who are looking forward to new bundle of joy in their lives. After some waiting time, the doctor proceeded to lay me down and press my abdomen area, and recommended I went for an ultrasound scan. So I did. That was another 3-4 hours of long waiting + actually doing the ultrasound scan. 

I obtained my results, showed it to the doctor and it revealed that I had an 17.7cm cyst in my body. That is freaking huge. To put things into perspective, its longer than a 15cm ruler. Its also a 4month old baby. And your ovaries are 3cm each. So this bloody cyst was essentially covering both of my ovaries, and they couldn’t tell whether it was ovarian or from the intestines. This was extremely worrying. 

My biggest cause for concern were too many to count, in my mind there were so many things going on! I was due to fly back to the UK to continue “normal life” on the night of 11/11/2017, but obviously, here I am writing this post. This cyst was huge, and cysts are pretty much also tumours I guess, so the main question was whether this damn thing was cancerous. Had it developed cancerous characteristics? But perhaps the thing that made me cry the most, was the fact that it could originate from the ovary, and even if it didn’t, my ovaries are in a very precarious situation. They could risk being removed alongside the cyst, and that speaks a lot about future fertility. I was quite broken when I heard that. It was even more terrible as we were in a Women’s clinic and everyone around me was pregnant/ brought their baby over and it was just heartbreaking to even think of the possibility that I might never have that chance. 

Surgery was imminent, and we knew that it had to be removed asap. However, I was in the middle of my final Autumn term at Imperial, my final year. It was again difficult to grasp that I might have to skip school/ take a year out/ stop classes/ not graduate on time??? :( Coupled with the fact that we were going to be seeking private treatment just bcuz it’ll be much faster but the bills will also skyrocket, this whole thing was just a massive blow. From 100 to 0 I felt my life went. 

We obtained a referral to Dr. Wong’s friend, Dr. Tay (oh same surname!) who was apparently a very famous oncology&gynae. The appointment was Friday 10/11/2017. 

On Friday, we headed to Thomson Women’s Cancer Centre. Now the name alone was scary shit enough. There were quite a substantial number of people there, I was quite shocked tbh, but then it dawned upon me that yeah, everyone always has a different story of why they are somewhere, a cancer centre too. I had my appointment with the doctor, and he carefully explained that I would have to undergo a laparatomy, and the various options should the cyst turn out to benign/malignant/borderline. There was no way of making sure what condition it was until during the operation, whereby he would take a frozen section of the cyst on the spot to determine its condition. Throughout, he ascertained that he would do his best to protect my reproductive system, but again that would be conditioned on the cyst’s characteristics. The more potential for it to be cancerous, the more organs I’d have to remove. 

I then took a blood test to test for any cancerous markers and thankfully the results seem like it’s good, no scary amount of cancer markers. 

So its Saturday now, 2 days to the surgery. I’ve just been googling what a laparatomy really means, and what happens post-op. 

http://my-flights-of-fancy.blogspot.sg/2011/09/ovarian-cyst-and-laparotomy.html

What I got out of this blog post and several others, was the sad thing that I’d have to lose all my normal bodily functions after the operation incl drinking, feeding and any form of excretion :( but also walking, standing, running (haha) wow. This whole episode has really made me realise how important health is. Without a healthy body, you truly can’t do anything, not even study, regardless of how smart you can be, the mental capacity ties in with the physical capacity too. 

And things that we take for granted, like a healthy reproductive system or even menstruation, are actually also privileges. Things that not everyone is endowed with. It pains my heart to think about what would happen if I had my ovaries removed, just one even, could reduce fertility despite what my doctor friends saying that it’ll be ok. But hell no, you’re not the one who’s gna be MISSING something from your body. 

This brings me to another point about friendship. So far I’ve only told those who asked about my whereabouts/ well-being or are close friends eg. J and also Daniel. But of those that I’ve had to recount to, I notice a few phenomenon. Some I am thankful to have known, who are worried from the very beginning, who understand that no matter what they say, it cannot be equivalent to the struggles that I as an individual or me and my family are going true, who offer love in many ways. And then there’s the other spectrum where I get the “I know how you feel” (but do you?) and “are you okay?” (what if i say I’m actually not) or the “one ovary is still ok!” (how’d you know?), where I find myself having to play up the fact that this thing might be god damn cancerous, this thing is bigger than a 15cm ruler, this thing is stopping me from going back to school, from dancing, from going out, and then later on, this thing will make me bed-ridden and unable to even pee or poo or fart (!!) on my own, to make you actually think that my condition is serious. I don’t think I’m trying to gain sympathy or pity or anything, but I don’t think its hard to have true empathy, to think from my perspective, to realise that my WHOLE life is on hold because of this surgery, to realise that the magnitude of this surgery does not reside in whether or not the cyst is cancerous, but that it’s the size of a freaking 4 month old baby. But I also understand that not everyone can give up their own normal life for a while and truly be with a friend in need. But for those who can, thank you for being a friend indeed. 

Will update with more experiences in the hospital. Sigh.