#using my very healthy coping mechanism of transferring

[pineapplerightsideupcake]

Do you have tips on how to deal with fear of success/self sabotage due to growing up in a toxic home? I’m scared of leaving because everything I’ve tried mostly didn’t work out, and my parents have exhausted me, and emotionally beat me out of being excited for the future. Im suppose to graduate college this year, but I can’t because I wasn’t allowed to transfer and had panic attacks during online college so I had to stop. I just feel….so stuck and miserable. I spent majority of this year wasting money binging and ducking up my teeth and health in the process. Ik it’s not good for me, and now I actually have the resources and can save $ to leave, but I’m still scared. Of the guilt but more so that even if I leave my toxic house, I’ll still be miserable. I’m worried that secretly all along I was the problem and using my parents as an excuse. Sounds irrational I’m sorry but it’s the truth. Please what advice would you give me? Thank you.

First, you need professional help if you’re binging and puking (I assume you got autocorrected there). Whether you mean that you’re binging and purging your food or if you’re binging alcohol and vomiting, you need more help than I can give here.

What I can help with is in reassuring you that happiness is not a random state that just happens. It’s something we choose and build for ourselves. What’s so amazing about that is you don’t have to just sit and hope for it to happen. You can control it. You can make it for yourself. I think one of the hardest things to unlearn for people from toxic situations is that we don’t control our own lives.

I liken it to surviving a storm. You leaned to make yourself small. You learned to look for and respond to danger at all times. You learned to never let your guard down for a moment. And so it’s natural to think your happiness is tied to the wind.

But it’s not. You don’t have to hope and appease the wind. You can grow up and leave. You can choose to build a better life and to learn healthy coping mechanisms. Yes, it’s work. Yes, it takes time. But it is so so worth it.

Early 20s is when most mental illnesses peak. Statistically speaking, it only gets easier from here.

As soon as it’s financially possible, move out. Limit contact with toxic people. Look after you. Figure out what happiness looks like for you. Then make it. A little bit each day.

And to address your most heartbreaking question- of whether the problem was really you all along- I can promise you with 99.9% certainty that you aren’t. I’m likely closer in age to your parents than to you and let me promise you that there is nothing a child or teen can do that justifies cruelty or neglect. The adult is always responsible for their behavior.

But just to fully reassure you, let me promise that if you are the problem, you won’t heal or get better any more than if it wasn’t your fault by staying in a toxic environment. Even if in the 0.01-% case where you’re the toxic one, you can’t hope to change stuck where you are. I saw my aunt go through a mid life crisis that wasn’t cute. She became very cruel because she was miserable and while it’s correct to say she was the toxic one, she never would have changed for the better if she hadn’t left my uncle and my cousins and got her shit together far away. She also didn’t become that way in a vacuum.

But again, I am 99.9% confident you’re a perfectly lovely person with toxic parents. And no matter what you deserve a chance to be happy.

[missjessisamess]

.

[fasterthanmydemons]

fellow comic book reader here and I also agree that Pietro was annoying in the comics, I remember just rolling my eyes everytime he was on a page LMAOO. but then MCU Pietro came along and he was the bravest, purest, most adorable boy. I was like "oh I actually really like his personality?" and then "oh.... he ded ._." LOL. however, what are some personality traits that your Pietro shares with comic Pietro? I'd say the temper and arrogance (and love for his turtle) but that's it.

{out of breath} *sigh* Okay. I’ve been debating actually writing about this particular topic for about a month now because I was afraid it would offend some people somehow with regard to mental illness, but... since you asked. Yes, I would say that MCU!Petro has Comic!Pietro’s anger and arrogance. Definitely Hands down. I feel like there’s one other thing he has sort of in common with Comic!Pietro, but whereas it’s intentional for Comic!Pietro, it’s unintentional for MCU!Pietro. Under the cut because LONG.

One of the major things that made Comic!Pietro a jerk was the way he made Wanda feel like she wasn’t mentally competent to make her own decisions. Part of it was that he was very controlling of her. It started out as a need to protect her, but then it just became a function of his own ego, like... well I know better, so I’ll just decide and shhhh, don’t talk. But a part of it later on became also that he realized he could manipulate Wanda into doing or not doing things he wanted by making her feel like she wasn’t mentally capable or strong enough to make decisions for herself. The results was that she depended on him emotionally to a debilitating degree, and he absolutely took advantage of her because of it. Wanda had self-confidence issues and she was very much aware of her mental fragility and afraid of going insane, something that runs in her family. Pietro fed off that fear and basically manipulated Wanda by saying well, I’ll take care of you and make decisions for you and all you have to do is rely on me. It was not only not healthy for Wanda, it was abusive.

Now... let’s talk about MCU!Pietro for a bit. I will never ever say that MCU!Pietro was ever intentionally abusive to Wanda. Never. He never meant to be, he was only ever trying to help her and protect her. However, some of the things he did while he thought he was protecting her ended up not being so great for her emotional, social, and mental development in the long run. It stunted her ability to function independently and enabled her to be extremely dependent on him as she preferred. I first became aware that this was an actual real side effect of trauma that some people have, referring to Wanda, when I came across this post. I read that and I thought... wow that sounds really similar to how I’ve described the twins’ relationship. I did some more research on the subject since then, and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a thing that definitely happened with the twins. It isn’t really either of their faults, it more just like... they were using each other as a crutch and a coping mechanism in different ways because of traumas they had suffered, and didn’t realize it was actually harming them developmentally.

This might take a while to explain, but I’ve been wanting to do this and get these headcanons down for a while so I’ll try to explain in as much detail as I can. When Marya and Django Maximoff were killed, the twins reacted differently. A big part of the reason for their different reactions was, unfortunately, due to their different upbringing because of their sexes. Wanda was raised by her mother to take care of her family, to watch over them, feed them, tend their wounds, and defend them conversationally. Pietro was raised with the idea that the men were the strong ones who protected the women physically. They didn’t cry or show weakness, they were physically there to protect and shield. Basically, the men were the physical strength and the women were the emotional strength. Although this seems positive on the surface, it is confining the twins to gender roles and is defining those roles in limiting and outdated ways. Pietro grew up feeling that he was less of a man for crying or needing a hug, and Wanda grew up feeling like she could depend on men to do what she couldn’t... as if there were things she couldn’t do herself. I mean... I don’t want to overly judge this because it wasn’t done with malice, it’s just that Marya and Django were more old world, traditional parents. That’s what they grew up with, so they taught it to their children. It’s easy to be outside looking in and say it’s wrong, but until the age of ten, the twins were happy and well taken care of and thought they were doing fine.

When their parents were killed, suddenly they were their own parents. At age 10, the twins had to do the best they can with foster homes and living on the streets. So what did they do? They fell into the roles they were taught. Pietro, as the man of their family now, felt like he had to take care of and protect his sister. Wanda, and this is where that post I read comes in, had a much more severe trauma reaction in which she retreated from the world, into herself, and gave control over to Pietro. What I mean by this is that Wanda, partly due to things suffered as a very young child and partly because Pietro was all she had left in the way of family, reacted to losing her parents by retreating behind Pietro. So they both fed into their own learned roles a bit, if that makes sense. Pietro thought he should take control and protect his sister, and Wanda was content to let Pietro be her shield and filter between herself and others.

This created an interesting power dynamic between the twins as they got older, because Wanda actually has a very assertive and at times dominant personality, she just didn’t know it at a young age. Losing her parents, being a witch, having been assaulted in the past and almost burned alive as a witch, Wanda trusted her parents to protect her. Without them, all that hope got transferred to Pietro. Pietro, who already felt guilty for not protecting Wanda from her assault, felt doubly responsible now to step up and protect his sister. The result is that Pietro would handle any and all daily interactions between people and themselves, and Wanda would hang back and largely be silent, just observing.

Wanda felt threatened by people getting too close to her, especially men. Pietro knew this and would always put himself physically in between Wanda and anyone who approached her. Wanda learned that her brother would always do this, and two things started to happen: 1) she relaxed when he was around because she knew he would always be her interface to the world, she would never have to talk to anyone she didn’t want to, and 2) she could say whatever she wanted from behind him and not have to deal with the consequences. This, in some ways, fed her assertiveness, because it let her express herself and voice her opinions in a safe way. If she opens her mouth and upsets someone, it doesn’t matter because Pietro will be right there to keep them from getting too close.

So as the post mentions, there’s sometimes a loss of autonomy that occurs with trauma in which a person questions everything. The decisions they make, where their food comes from, they feel like they need permission to do anything, eat anything go anywhere. If alone, they hesitate to do things, and if with someone else, they look to them for permissions and approval. It’s borne of anxiety over not knowing what to do and feeling like they can’t make good decisions on their own. In Wanda’s case, it was easier and more comfortable to give control over everyday decisions and interactions to Pietro. He decided what they ate and gave her the food. He decisions where they went, where they slept, who they talked to. He did most of the talking. Pietro was all too eager to fill this role because he thought it was the right thing to do.

Wanda just held his hand and stayed a step behind him, watching and listening, because what happens when someone is in this kind of secondary role is that they feel safer and more comfortable in the shadow of someone they trust and can think more clearly. Because they don’t have to look out for things on their own, they can more calmly think about other things, notice what others might not, and take in the details of their surroundings. This is the root of Wanda being quieter and more observant than her brother. If Wanda was on her own, she’d be worried about everything. Looking everywhere, wondering who would hurt her, trying to find food, not knowing what to say when others spoke to her. But because Pietro was there to handle all of that, Wanda could relax, hang back, and think calmly about bigger things. That meant she could make more long-term decisions about the directions of their lives.

It may seem counterintuitive, but the twins’ relationship developed into Pietro handling all the little, everyday decisions, and Wanda handling all the big, life-changing decisions.... such as volunteering for the experiments, opposing the Avengers, and supporting Ultron. Pietro just went along with those decisions because he trusted her to make them. Pietro mistakenly thought his sister was much smarter than him, for one thing, and also he trusted her as a female to make major decisions for their family, as their mother did.  This was part of their emotional co-dependence. Pietro was comfortable in his role and Wanda was comfortable in hers. It eased their anxiety after the loss of their parents and the traumatic circumstances that surrounded it.

Coming back to your question, in the comics, Pietro manipulated and controlled Wanda into thinking that she was mentally unstable and incompetent and needed someone to make all her decisions for her. And she believed that, because she trusted him. In the MCU, Pietro kindof did the same thing, but not intentionally. Until Pietro’s death, Wanda would have said that Pietro was in control, he made the decisions, he was the strong one, etc. She would have said that she was not assertive, and couldn’t handle all these things herself. But anyone looking at them and reading the power dynamics of their relationship could easily tell that she was the leader and the one calling the major shots. However, this is not at all how Wanda felt mentally. She really believed that she could not survive without her brother, and that she was mentally very weak without him, because she felt that way, ever since her parents died. It took Pietro dying - and her protective buffer between herself and the world disappearing - for her to realize how strong she was on her own and that she was perfectly capable of navigating the world by herself. In some ways, she transferred her emotional need to be dependent on someone to Vision after Pietro’s death, starting to attach emotionally to him the way she did to Pietro, but she realized this wasn’t healthy. I believe that’s part of a complex mess of reasons why she was afraid to commit to him. But, I digress.

It’s interesting that both twins gave up control to the other, but in different ways. Wanda let Pietro control the minutiae of everyday decisions while driving their overall direction in life, and Pietro took control on a daily basis but followed Wanda wherever she wanted to take them. Both of them found comfort in this dynamic, which can be seen in the scene discussed in this post. Wanda is a lot stronger emotionally than her brother, but she unfortunately does not realize it until he’s gone and she’s forced to be more independent. So I think that MCU!Pietro does share this with Comic!Pietro, in that they both had Wanda in this emotionally dependent relationship where she felt she couldn’t or shouldn’t make decisions on her own, or at least was more comfortable letting him make the decisions, but their reasons for doing so are completely different. 

Alright I think I’ve rambled long enough about this. I hope I made sense, haha. These are some headcanons I’ve wanted to get written down for a while. If anyone has any thoughts on this, feel free to reblog or reply to this post. I would love to hear what others think about this.

[theworldsoul]

Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

[currentfandomkick]

Miraculous Team and Batboys, end of Damian Grasyon day 1

Here’s what i have for the update

--

Marinette wasn’t surprised to see Lilia trying to talk to Damian in her seat. Or that he looked ready to kill her.

“And then Damiboo—“

“Hey Lila, I need to do more official welcoming committee things with Damian before class starts. We wouldn’t want him to get caught unprepared for any attacks at Dupont, would we?”

Before Lila could speak up Alya grabbed the girl’s arm and pulled her back to her lair in the back.

“C’mon, we don’t want him to get pancaked then miracle back—you know how much people that are used to it hate that.”

“But—“

“Oh sweet, no lecture today then,” Nino grinned.

Marinette almost rolled her eyes. “I know your haunts, I will get you on a semi-healthy sleep schedule.”

“I am an artist, we say screw sleep.”

“You can be nocturnal and have a sleep schedule Nino.” Marinette paused for a moment. “Or I will revoke morning delivery privileges.”

Nino stiffened.”Got it.”

She turned back to Damian, who held up his phone. “Did all of these really happen?”

Marinette looked at the attacks he had pulled up. “Yeah, just, don’t bring up that one,” Marinette pointed to the Siren video. “The survivors are in therapy and the victims don’t remember for a good reason.” She paused for a moment before saying, “And try not to bring up someone’s akumatazations, it’s a leading cause to re-akumatazation like with this one.” Marinette tapped the first entry on the page, Stone Heart.

Damian nodded, looking over at her once again before continuing his scroll.

“If you have any questions about this or school or classes, I can give you my number. No guarantees I’ll get back that moment, but usually that day. Commissions can eat up time… I’ll check with Sabrina if she’s willing to answer questions too.”

“The class deputy, correct?” Damian asked without looking up.

“Yeah, I’d ask Chloe but she’s in the middle of fighting the school on a few trip schedules for the class and well…”

“I cannot believe they want to cut our time in the gardens Adrikins, can you believe it! It’s ridiculous! Utterly ridiculous!”

Damian looked up at her as she sighed. “I’m pretty sure oil and water get along better than you two would.”

Damian nodded and—no she was imagining it. No way that expression happened.

“She’s more tolerable than the other one.”

Marinette hummed at that. “Chloe is the lesser of two evils at any point in time.”

“Oh shut up Dupain-Cheng.”

“Marinette, that isn’t very nice,” Adrien gently reprimanded.

Marinette rolled her eyes openly this time. “Its this or war.”

“Personally, I’d prefer war,” Chloe huffed. “But we have someone to dispose of first.”

“I mean, maybe she’s just got a condition? No need to jump down her throat dudette,” Nino added.

Marinette raised an eyebrow. “So what did she screw up on her timeline this time?”

Chloe huffed this time. “The same summer she was with Ali doing “delegation things” she was apparently being wooed by Gotham’s elusive ice prince.”

Marinette snorted at that.

She missed Damian’s reaction, but she doubted it was anything important.

“Okay, so are you all now in agreement that she’s lying?”

Chloe rolled her eyes. “Told you all Dupain-Cheng was right at the beginning, but did you listen? Nooo.”

Adrien sighed. “I really messed up at first, didn’t I?”

Marinette shrugged. She got why---rock, hard place, and really bad coping mechanisms but… “Kind of.”

“Dudette, thanks again for making sure we all still went into those competitions and stuff.”

Marinette nodded, watching others in the class check the document, minus those in Lila’s sight.

Alix looked ready to clock Lila from her place while Rose was a bit devastated on her end. She winced a bit at those responses. Lila still did deal some damage to the class over the years, even if she did mitigate most of the long term ones.

“Someone has to keep the class afloat.”

“Rude.” Chloe wasn’t glaring. Oh—Chloe was doing her brand of friendship with Marinette now. She’d need to be vigilant for possible Chloe-cling.

“We both know you’d sell most of us for a corn chip,” Marinette added, hoping it might put just the right amount of distance but…

“Obviously, only Sabrina and Adrikins are spared…” she was glad she wasn’t included. “though you’re a bag of corn chips.” Damnit.

“Settle down class, now…” with that class began and Marinette almost groaned because she had an impending civilian Chloe friendship, who is exactly the type to drag you around without listening to any objections.

Once classes were over Marinette checked her messages with Sabrina.

“Okay, so here’s my number and Sabrina’s, any questions you can message either of us. Sabrina is better for procedural things and responds a lot faster than me.”

Sabrina materialized out of thin air and puffed out her chest. “I am the superior organizer.”

Marinette mock-glared at the red-head for that. “You still mess up the joint class schedules.”

Sabrina huffed at her. “You’re the one that they tell everything to.”

“I listen, and follow up. You’re just lucky I forward you guys that monster schedule since you can’t be trusted without supervision.”

Sabrina pouted at that. “Its not my fault Adrien and Kim don’t update theirs.”

Marinette nodded along, wondering if she could escape soon. “Just talk to Kim—I know you hate his sport speak but just ask if he can show up and he’ll check his calendar—I made sure to train him on that before stepping down.”

Sabrina looked at her before going off to do just that, since he yelled something about a new competition and that meant an updated class schedule.

Marinette packed her things then, figuring that Damian was already gone.

“Have a good day Dupain-Cheng.”

If it wasn’t for Chloe being across the room, she would have rolled her eyes. However…

“You too Damian. Again, any questions and me or Sabrina can answer.”

He frowned at her as she stood to leave. Oh, the textbooks!

“The mint page in the orange folder should show you the easiest places to get the textbooks this late into term. I’m guessing you’re not the type to like having to hit the library for required materials, and you don’t look like the type to like sharing textbooks long term. If those don’t work, Sabrina has a pdf for transfers you can download once you get approval to use a laptop or phone in class from Bustier. The form is the second mint page I think, and don’t worry, she approves things like that in a few days.”

Damian nodded. Marinette wondered if she overwhelmed him as she left. Oh well, her classmates were busy and she still had to finish Ali’s commission before patrol or an akuma attack—it was too quiet.

She hoped Damian read over the safety procedures, and sent him a quick text to review those as an after thought as she sent him in English (She hoped she guessed right): It’s been too peaceful for Hawkmoth, and our attacks are usually once every two days.

He read it but didn’t respond. She rolled her eyes as she entered the bakery, noting that Zombie was gone.

“I’ll be upstairs!”

“Before you do, can you make more of your monstrosities? The daycare should be letting out soon…”

Marinette almost sighed. Almost. How much did Zombie have? Apparently all of it.

She rolled her eyes as she made her usual ‘sleep deprived’ set for the regulars and ran upstairs to finish up Ali’s commission. With any luck, she wouldn’t have to stay up all night.

She was almost done, just a few more details when the AkumaWatch went off.

Tikki gave her a look.

“I know, I know.” Marinette grabbed her things for school. “Maman, Papa, I’m going to the Library!”

“Don’t stay till closing this time!”

“No promises!”

She ran off a decent distance before ducking into an alleyway.

“Tikki, Spots on!”

--

Elsewhere Damian had escaped Bustier's "checking in" by taking refuge in the school's library and sent over the information he'd gathered from Dupont and the Ladyblog to Drake first. Who Todd located and then relocated at Dick's request to go over what they'd found and discuss possible investigation avenues into the miraculous and its users.

He didn't like the idea of the 'boogey-man' stories (according to Grayson) of the trinkets holding the power gods being a reality. Especially if the old stories from the League were anything to go by... According to legend, a pair of earrings were responsible for the Lazarus Pitts existence in the first place--and he was weary of the tales of the ring that wiped cities from existence, and the necklace that drove men to madness.

--

Hope you enjoyed, and thanks to everyone that’s been commenting and voting on this and the ao3 of the story. Sorry, but Damian getting intrigued beat out Lila exposure by Damian. Instead, we have Class Knows She Lies, but no action plan on that yet... May do various confrontations when we get back to school updates.

Here’s the question for the next update, since its battletime and I get stuck on those for a bit.

Two things: batboys invade the battle or show up at the end when the Miraculous Team are wrapping it up?

and any akuma ideas? I'm debating just having it be gigtitan or pigeonman if its light, or if we're going dark, then a little kid that's being starved for 'bad behavior' regularly possibly turning adults into food, and the Miraculous Team seen at the end both comforting the kid in turns while talking to the police.

light is just simple intro, dark is more a slap in the face for the batboys that this is not Gotham or the Justice League, and gets them to see the whole of the problem more.

@worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @littleredrobinhoodlum @northernbluetongue @kceedraws @pirats-pizzacanninibles @theatreandcomicfreak @daminett4life @catthhay @weird-pale-blonde-person @amayakans @chocolatecatstheron

[splendidshinobi]

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST 2003 LIVE REACT: EPISODES 6-10

back at it again with the white vans

episode 6: the alchemy exam

alrighty then

um mustang calling edward “ed” is EXTREMELY offputting

ohhhhhhh noooooo not shou tucker

FUCK

im wholly unprepared

them all being in central instead of east is low key jarring like my brain isnt computing it

alexander’s intro is basically the same 

nina bbyyyyy girl u deserved so much better

ed is such a fucking nerd...chemistry club modern au confirmed

god the more tucker talks the more i wanna beat his face in

al pretending to eat by tossing a potato in his armor i-

aww theyre playing in the snow theyre so pure

wonder how long thatll last

“bigger brother” and “little big brother” and ed doesnt even get mad

ed’s birthday party????????

A MELON? ED YOURE SO RUDE

so 03 had ed’s bday instead of elicia’s...CAUSE THEY GOT ELICIA IN THE WOMB

“it’s here!” “the tea?” “the baby!” hughes is a fuck head

ok so now they’re having elicia replace rush valley baby arc

this was winry’s time to shine in fmab i miss her 

if winry isnt here who is gonna birth this baby

oh my god they just realized ed can use alchemy without a circle

no wonder he’s been using circles this whole time

SO ELICIA JUST POPPED OUT????? WHAT

STUFF ALEXANDER IN THE ARMOR AND PRETEND YOURE A TALKING DOG???

“i dont think thats very funny” NO ALPHONSE IT IS NOT

THEY KNEW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE DOING WITH THAT ONE I SWEAR TO GOD IN THIS ESSAY I WILL

damn bradley what up homie

im so thrown off by the way theyre doing the exam omg

seriously what the hell is fuhrer bradley’s purpose right now is he even the fuhrer in this i feel like they wouldve mentioned it

oh lord ed is about to impress everyone with his clappy hands

ok so next episode is nina FUCK

episode 7: night of the chimera’s cry

havoc babeeee

im gonna marry him my himbo king

also can RIZA DO SOMETHING PLZ

“huhhhhhhhh nina” ew tucker that was weirdly gross

wonder why

cant do it cant do it

do we think jean kirstein was modeled after jean havoc slightly looks wise

was that purposeful 

ill have to google 

serial killer who only targets women?  it cant be scar...scar drinks respect women juice

barry or slicer bros maybe? um ok

why did we start with liore if they were just gonna hop right back into the past for a huge chunk of episodes idk

assessment day??? oh noodles

AL WHY DID YOU TELL TUCKER TO MAKE ANOTHER TALKING CHIMERA ALPHONSE NO

THE NOISE I EMITTED IM GONNA TAKE A LAP

im gonna FUCKING SCREAM

ed r u writing to winry??? that’s a bit out of character for u good sir

no tucker put that baby down

im gonna fucking SCREAM

aww he burned nina’s picture thats not sus at all

SHESKA!!!!!

wait does the ironblood alchemist know what tucker did to his wife? thats kinda the vibe im getting

SCARRRRRRRR

looking like a pirate too damn

his voice sounds different is that j michael tatum 

apparently not it was dameon clarke in 03 ya learn something new everyday 

ew elicia has a lot of hair for a FUCKING NEWBORN

ed really is such a cynic very suspicious of everyone as he should be really

basque grand knowS SOMETHING

oh jesus oh fuck oh god please do not TOUCH THAT BABY

ed and al snuck back in to the house well u know what its for the best

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

im gonna cry again please god no

FUCKING DIE SHIT HOLE

she’s hurting? oh my god

my sweet angel

ew his eyes!!!!!!! 

tucker is such a fucking failure...like look at the chimera squad and greed’s theatre troupe being the way they are. ugh it really hits how fucking unfair it is 

ed was really about to split them? boy you know better

where is nina going...im hurting

ed really tried to save her in this one

SCAR KILLS NINA IN THE STREETS???????? SIR

thats different

oh snap 

oh FUCK

SCAR WHY DID YOU LEAVE HER BODY LIKE THAT

THE WAY SHE WAS ARRANGED ON THE WALL THAT WAS FUCKED UP

AND THEY FOUND HER LIKE THAT???? AT LEAST IN BROTHERHOOD THEY DIDNT HVE TO SEE HER CORPSE ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

that was fucked.

episode 8: the philosopher’s stone

can yall get ed and al away from nina’s fucking MURAL 

get out of the car mustang

finally jesus christ

roy mustang talking about healthy coping mechanisms dont make me laugh but alright baby boy go off i guess?

im curious about who this goddamn serial killer is though lets turn to that plot thread

r u kidding me

mustang is making ed and al take over tucker’s research?? thats actually wildly messed up

oh tucker was straight executed that’s a choice i guess

tucker and the philosopher’s stone sounds inaccurate but ok

ed please stop being mean to your brother

03 mustang has got me reaching for a fucking baseball bat on GOD

scar and edward having this conversation right now i literally cannot

WINRY yes bitch

BRADLEY WHAT IN TARNATION

JESUS LORRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDD

alphonse shut your mouthhhhhhhhhhh

im so confused what is bradley up to

“alchemists are not cold blooded murderers?”

i mean

kimblee would beg to differ for one

whos this creepy lady 

her voice sounds familiar

barry’s food shop?

the killer is barry ok got it

IS BARRY DISGUISED AS A WOMAN

I KNEW THAT WAS JERRY JEWELL’S VOICE

WELL I KNEW IT SOUNDED FAMILIAR AT LEAST

WINRY GET OUT OF THE FUCKING TRUCk

has PINAKO TAUGHT YOU NOTHING

ok so i VASTLY prefer suit of armor original manga canon barry

this is such an odd plot what in fuck

um OW the meat cleaver

im so confused this fucking plotline

oh hey alphonse nice of you to show up!

is barry still gonna become a suit of armor later on

it makes NO SENSE to introduce him otherwise 

everytime i see 03 mustang i wanna beat his ass HONESTLY

literally i will shove my foot up his ass

fullmetal here we go

ed thinks he’s so punk rock 

oh great scar’s seen the watch

episode 9: be thou for the people

ed you simp buying winry all this stuff my edwin heart is ascending

SIMP SIMP SIMP

“mr. elric”?? you mean MAJOR ELRIC

to be fair though fuck the military

YOUSWELL??? oh LORD

im gonna need to read a full chronology of this show

 alphonse continues to be a precious angel 

where’s my boy yoki!!!!!

edward you idiot don’t go flaunting your money

woof woof ed

al looks so offended by ed saying they just met

whereas in brotherhood didnt he totally throw ed under the bus??? 

a choice to be sure

ah there he is hello yoki

who’s the chick

shes a lesbian

yoki makes me miss my baby girl mei chang

mei where r u

WAS THIS MILITARY DUDE REALLY ABOUT TO CUT DOWN A CHILD??? oh my god

hawkeye getting a promotion yes bby girl

jesus theyre transferring them to east now OKKKKKAY thats not how it happened it the book but ill take it....just doing it the opposite way i guess

who is lyra who is she

cute some military bribery 

umm lyra what the fuck did you do

lyra is a homunculus im callin it now

they definitely invented/changed up some homunculi in fact im certain they did and shes one of em. gotta be

i feel like 03 wrote ed as much more insensitive towards others than he really is...just a vibe im getting

i know he was faking for the townspeople’s sake but i still get this vibe from other instances 

i mean i cant say its not “canon” because its 03 canon

anyways what a show off

i cant believe theyre going to east...fuery and breda better be there

ok finally some answers on their ages....ed got his license at 12 like normal and nina and youswell were when he was 12...liore was 15, 

if they didnt flash the ages on the screen id be lost honestly

at least we’re back up to “present day”

episode 10: the phantom thief

ed saying he doesnt wanna see mustang

same

03 mustang is activating my fight or flight and im choosing fight

ed cheating at cards totally checks out

um who the fuck is this woman

what is she wearing

SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THAT CUTOUT MAAM HOW DO YOUR C**CHY LIPS NOT POKE OUT

idk but this is fem!hisoka

“hey shouldnt we talk first” after getting handcuffed??? christ almighty these innuendos

siren??????? siren is probably also a “fake” homunculus

ugh

ok so the nurse is siren

ya aint slick girly

alphonse control your crush

I REFUSE!!!! ALMEI RIGHTS

why is al’s hair so brown in this flashback anywayssss

oh its spelled psiren ope

like she’s literally a batman villain...

oh my god...............the tiddy grab. my son would never

my son is respectful

is this her homunculus tat or just a random alchemy tat

the added plotlines and original content continue to confuse and astound me every single time....

ok but if psiren really was doing this for the hospital she wouldnt be so flashy about it. like thats how you get caught sweet cheeks

girly stop flirting with this child on god im gonna fucking kick you

now shes a nun????????????????

Shes a fucking troll i hate her

im going to kick alphonse into the sun 

oh great now shes a teacher

wow shes a savior. the savior of amestrian venice. greatttttt

ed looking exactly like this emoji on this gondola rn 🧍‍♀️

STOP FLIRTING WITH THE CHILD 

GOD THIS IS SO BATMAN VILLAIN ESQUE

alphonse plzzzzzzzzzz she aint your girl

ok so probably not the last we see of this ding dong con artist

ok so its starting to get muddy. im scared the 03 stans are gonna come after me like i do like it and im having fun watching it but some of the plot and characterization choices are just....odd??? idk i gotta keep going though!! im sorry i just stan arakawa and her work in all her glory!!!

[jlsjrockfanfictions]

Time for an explanation:

When I started this blog I was in high school. I was depressed, anxious, and VERY insecure. It was my escape from the world, and my main coping mechanism. As this blog began to gain traction, my anxiety started flaring. I was worried about my parents finding out I wrote fanfiction (especially smut, and I was a minor... BIG anxiety trigger). I feared disappointing them. I feared my peers finding out, and the teasing they’d dish out (I wasn’t exactly a popular kid.).

I also feared disappointing you lovely people who took (and still take) the time to read what I wrote. Now, a fear of disappointment may not sound like much to most, but to me it mean I dreaded coming on here. Not because of any of you. A part of me just didn’t think I could do it without disappointing you. My mindset used to be so negative and toxic that I almost began to resent myself for not getting content out to you regularly. (Which was more than a little exhausting.) The long hiatuses were less because I was busy, and more because I was avoiding this blog. I didn’t want to disappoint you all so I figured I’d just not do anything. Again, toxic mindset, not exactly logical.

“What does this mean for the blog?” I hear you ask. Well, a lot has changed since high school. I’m a lot more optimistic and my mindset is less toxic. I’m a 21 year old adult now, and I’ve done some growing up. That being said, I can’t morally write for real people anymore. I don’t have their consent to be writing this, and that feels wrong. 

So, here’s the two step plan:

1. Revamping the stories I have on this blog and transferring them to Wattpad (The originals will remain here. Wattpad will just have 20 year old Bailey’s writing as opposed to 16 year old Bailey’s writing.)

2. Starting today (April 16th, 2020) Requests will be open for the final time until May 16th, 2020. You have a month to put whatever you’d like into my inbox, and I’ll write it. 

I want to end this chapter of my life with a bang. So make ‘em good darlings. I will write for any gender, any race, any sexuality, just make them legal if it’s smut you’re asking for. 

Writing has always been my dream. Starting this blog was the first step into fulfilling that dream. You all supporting me made me realize I wanted it forever. I’m more mentally healthy than I have EVER been. I’ve never been this happy. I still have bad mental health days, but I don’t let them get the better of me anymore. I can now look in the mirror and say the woman looking back is beautiful. Most importantly, the only person I care about pleasing now is me. I’ve learned that I can’t control how someone perceives me, I can only focus on being my best self. I’m not afraid of what people think of me, my parents included; I just want to be happy. I will never regret writing fanfiction. I’m blessed for the experience it’s given me and the backlog I now have to look back on when I become a New York Times Bestseller. 

I have no plans to delete this blog, or the stories on it. They will stay apart of Tumblr’s legacy until the internet finally meets its end. I just don’t plan on adding to it. My Wattpad will become my writing hub and my personal Tumblr is where you can find my wacky fandom and life bs. 

This blog and everyone I’ve interacted with has been beautiful. It’s been a blessing and I learned so much about myself because of it. If any of you have any questions about any of this, please feel free to ask me. You can send me a message here (I still plan on checking it for messages), on Wattpad, or my personal Tumblr. I truly love, and respect every single one of you and it means the world that you’d give your time to me. 

Thank you, Bailey (Jacky’s Little Sally)

[lucysweatslove]

Day 28 // If we could start again, would that have changed the end?

“Remember Everything,” Five Finger Death Punch

Today started out okay; I woke up with my small family, actually weighed un under 170 (good start to February), and got to work on my Valentine’s box for work.

Then, around noon, I hear Husband call his mom and a “Well, your sister is in the hospital.”

I don’t want to get too far into it because I want to respect her privacy. Basically, my oldest SIL, who is 19, has struggled with mood issues for a while. It’s always been a bit of a struggle, not because my in-laws are mean, but because they just don’t know how to navigate it or what to look for exactly. She was always really scared to ask her parents to get her in to see a psychiatrist, so she finally started seeing one when she started college this last academic year. It’s been pretty poorly managed, which is VERY common in college freshmen... so she’s physically safe at the moment but definitely not well, and yes, she is admitted. She was placed on 24 hour hold and then transferred to inpatient for at least 5-7 days.

The last time I saw Rob cry this much was 8 years ago when his grandma passed away.

The whole mood of the day changed, of course. Rob wanted to “eat his feelings” (order McDonald’s), and though I 100% believe food is not a healthy coping mechanism, I wasn’t going to fight him on it. We’re all shaken, and if he wants food he doesn’t have to think about, that’s fine. I ordered fries and chicken nuggets; ate half the fries (gave Rob the rest) and half the chicken nuggets. I may eat the rest of the nuggets tonight

I finished the lid/top of my Valentine’s box, but it was not the most fun. I realized that my design plans (which were meticulous) were wrong... I thought it was 49x79 but my board is actually 49x69, so I had to change up the design a bit (wasn’t too bad in the end). After I finished placing the beads, I learned that ironing a 49x69 rectangle with jagged edges (this is what allows the box to assemble) AND a hole in the middle (for the valentines to go in) is very difficult. It took me legitimately two hours just to complete the ironing because half the beads would melt, the other half wouldn’t, some parts would curl up, some of the pieces would melt too much but not fuse to the beads next to it, etc. I’m using actual Perler brand beads, too, so you’d think they’d have less problems melting than off-brand beads.

Anyway, I finally got it all ironed and put a textbook over it to help it stay flat as it cools. It looks really cool right now! Only 5 more panels to go...

[system-of-a-feather]

I should sleep but instead I’ll share a bit more about myself

Sleep is for loosers anyways jk for real sleep is important to your mental health you really should try to get decent sleep if you can

Anyways, I had asked about it earlier cause I was reminiscing back to the old days a bit so I figured I would just go on an old man’s tales of the old days. Don’t worry this shouldn’t have much of any potentially triggering content. Its just kinda a look back on where I started and where I’ve come since I split off or at least a bit of a general one. So if you like, grab some marshmellows, pick up some chocolate and lets enjoy some smores by the fire. (Keep reading below if interested; ps its kinda really long XD)

Honestly, its been mentioned a bit around here that I am, in fact, not the original host of the system and while I have taken very strongly to my role as host and my system has come to respect me (at least for the most part) as the host and “leader / commander” in the alternative role descriptions our system likes to use from time to time, I honestly have only been in this role for like... the past three or so years of the like... ten or twelve (depends on if you count when I split off or when I actually began interacting actively with the world) years.

Like for some background, I split off originally in order to help the previous host and trauma holder (who weren’t in communication) handle and adjust to life while we moved schools twice in a single year. From what I know prior to my split, our system was very dependent on hanging out with our friends as a way to keep trauma from surfacing to the host or something similar to that and the host before I split off was a bit of a shy child. My family made a really bad decision with a move that sent everyone in my family into various bad mental states and to cut the unpleasant info out of it, the host at the time couldn’t handle or adapt to the new school that had a horrifically different atmosphere from our old one. None of the ways she was able to have fun or connect with others were capable and with a even worse condition house and a lack of friends, it essentially caused two splits. One was Lucille and one was me, almost around the same time for similar, related, but different reasons.

For me, I know my main role was to be able to make friends, maintain friends, and to make sure school life wasn’t a problem and that we could constantly have someone to be around when we were younger. Back in the day my main job was to be charismatic, make friends, and create stable and sturdy social connections with everyone so that one of the largest important coping mechanisms could be saved.

Admittedly though, even though I did fill the role needed and did create wonderful webs of connections and friends, even though I did make friends by taking outcasts of each school I went to in order to make stable relationships, honestly a mix of our family’s toxicity and a lot of bad luck with friends moving made it so few friendships lasted more than a year. It made it rather hard for anyone to hold host and I believe for the longest many years no one was a consistent host - something that was considerably concerning given we wouldn’t start communicating or being actively aware of each other for another six years.

Anyways, a lot of the repetitive failures honestly made me loose a bit of faith in people and humanity for a few years and I kind of retreated to online where I became an edgelord and went under the idea of “I really don’t care about the real world and my real life anyways, we aren’t gonna live that long anyways and my life will figure itself out” and engrossed myself solely into being an “online social” personality for a long while from the ages of like twelve until like... sixteen. 

It was honestly a mistake I suppose as me abandoning the real life wasn’t abandoning my life like I thought it was as much as it turned out I was abandoning an important duty in a system I didn’t know I was part of and such action not only led me into being put into a lot of abusive relationships with online people, but also left our life horrifically unnurtured, barren and dry. During the time I popped in from time to time to help with club activities, but for the most part managing our real life was left to Aderis (who scared everyone away out of defense), Lucille (pre-integrated being an introverted know it all), and a trauma holder that avoided everyone. Our club life flourished and we had a group of friends in our band activities as it was the only part of the real world I would end up being out in and caring about enough to foster, but outside of that our life was barren. Sometime in that period, Aderis had made contact with me and everyone vaguely got to know each other, but considering a lot of denial and other abuse and trauma was going on then, we never properly established an understanding of DID or our system or even full recognition of each other - or at least I didn’t.

In a sorts, it lead to the point where apparently the trauma holder that was vaguely taking host was getting so sick of existing and was so envious of the beautiful life I was hosting online that it became a huge problem that apparently was the driving force to get us into therapy. I don’t really know too much of the specifics but it had caused a massive internal war over if we should destroy my online life as to force me to actually come back and try to help fix the mess our real life was at, or if we should just give up on having a real life and foster in the one I was building online. It was a internal conflict that actually had Lucille and I worried that it might end up to self harm or rash decisions and it was enough to get us to push for therapy which we eventually got.

Through the first few months of therapy it was noted by a not-dissociation specialist that what I was going through sounded a lot like DID but that wasn’t addressed further than him attempting to integrate what he identified to be “the online personality” and the “offline personality” by bringing someone who can bridge the two worlds and assist in integrating the two parts. Of course, being he wasn’t a professional in DID or dissociation, it didn’t quite work out properly, but it did get me actually focused on our real life a bit more. I was put in a position where I had to try to transfer what I did online to the real world and I did so by bringing a somewhat trusted individual into communication with me online. 

At that point I had kind of forgotten how to be super charismatic irl and so I kept a lot of the more personal conversations online and rather than bridging me and the semi-host (as we didn’t really have a host), it rather got me somewhat interested in the real world again - or at least gave me something beyond my online world that meant something to me. I fostered a strong relationship with this individual and I took it upon myself to try to keep this relationship working as it was the first time in ages that someone in the real not-online world that seemed to intend to stay around us and it gave me some hope to my otherwise jaded view on the world.

It was honestly a lot of work being in therapy and trying to find this middle ground of managing online and offline and trying to get both domains to work in our system’s life, especially when I took the initiative to consider dating that person that really seemed to stick around and have enough faith and patience with me and our system to work with us, especially since the system wasn’t entirely on board, and especially sicne even then, we had no clearly defined host.

A lot of back and forth happened, a lot of alters trying to sabotage each other, a lot of really poor mental health and poor adjustment, and then two or three things too many happened and the trauma holder that was semi-host seemed to fall entirely dormant leaving the host position completely open and with the system a bit shook.

In a sense, due to the fact that Aderis was going through things at the time, Lucille was insecure on his existence, and the other active known member was a child, I was kind of kicked out to fill the role - especially considering the person we were in a relationship was considered to be my partner and my decision and my responsibility at the time. Plus, of all the alters in the pool that could have picked up host at the time, the most socially capable for managing a life was of course the alter that was MADE to be social and to create friendships and reach out to individuals.

I suppose in a sense it was natural that I was the one that got kicked out. Honestly, I don’t see myself to be as socially capable or charismatic as I am told I am and honestly I personally struggle a lot from time to time with friendships and relationships due to a lot of the personal things I as Riku have been through and how being online almost exclusively for three or four years messed with my understanding of social rules and interactions and all that, but honestly, it was generally at that moment that the system kinda just forced me to handle a heccin lot.

And like... talking about adjusting from being an alter formed primarily to establish and maintain friendships to being the host and person in charge of a lot in the system, I could go on about that on its own for ages. It is honestly something I both gripe and grumble and am really critical on myself for not doing “good enough” but it is also something I am pretty proud to say I feel I have been managing pretty good all things considered.

I do wonder how the trauma holder that stood in as a kinda-host after the original host refused to be host is doing, and I really hope she is alright and I honestly know she isn’t but I hope one of these days I can build this life to be healthy enough, stable enough, and safe enough that she can come out of dormancy and recover as she deserves to. 

Currently, she is honestly in a really unstable state to the point keeping her dormant is one of the highest priorities of our system as she is honestly really dangerous to us and we aren’t in an environment that can support and safely provide a place for her to recover, so honestly, if nothing else, I hope that one of these days I can make this life a life she can be safe in.

I do deal with some of the thoughts of “I stole this life from an individual” or at least I used to struggle with them a lot, but I like to think of it more as me saving and rescuing this life for someone who couldn’t handle it anymore. 

And in the end, we are all the same individual. We are all working towards the same thing, and if there is anything I can do with the honor it is to be the host of the system and to get this much time out and to have this much direction over how we drive this life, I want to make my system happy and safe.

I dunno. Its just some sentimental thinking I was going on about to myself before since I was thinking back to when I was a protector and when all I had to worry about were social issues and picking the most reliable trust worthy people to add to our lives and replacing them as fast as possible when they left to maintain stability. Back when all I cared about and had to worry about was building social circles, and now I gotta do that among all sorts of other things.

It was a simpler time, but I am happy of where I am now. I suppose when I was “just a social protector” one of the largest hobbies I had was finding people that were less fortunate, rejected by the cliquey social groups of our school, and creating a bit of a safe place and a friend to have so they wouldn’t be lonely, and from time to time I would get them involved with other more popular individuals and it was great to watch them grow and succeed socially after being the social rejects for being blind or “fat” or awkward or shy. When I went online, I took a strong liking to helping people out and helping people feel a little better about themselves and letting people have a person they can talk to.

I suppose upon becoming a host, I just expanded my external duty inward and now I have a team that I love dearly that I want to make happy and to give them the best life possible.

I suppose in a sense, even as a host, I still strongly come from my roots as a social protector and thats nice to think about from time to time.

Anyways, thanks for joining me at my campfire and roasting some marshmellows. I dunno if any of you guys got anything of substance from my old man stories reflecting on my old duties and how thats changed some over time, but thanks for listening in.

-Riku (Host)

[rivkyschleider]

Annotated Bibliography

Winnicott, D. (1986) Home is where we start from. England: London

In this collection of essays we learn of Winnicott’s key teachings, presented to a lay audience.  He explains attachment theory, the ‘good enough environment’, the contribution of the Mother to society, adolescence and the relationship between the individual and their facilitating family group.  He explores concepts of health versus illness through his lens as a psychoanalyst in addition to to his medical background.  It is extremely helpful to see how foundation concepts of personality, the very make up of human emotional development can be applied to such a variety of cultural topics such as monarchy, the Pill and mathematics.  He brings clarity to these issues and offers me a model for applying depth of insight about the subconscious and the effect of early childhood environment on later life.  By uncovering gaps or repression in the individual’s psyche the psychotherapist can facilitate milestones of developmental progress, albeit at a later stage of maturation.

Yalom, I. (2002)  The Gift of Therapy.  US: HarperCollins

This is a handbook of 85 tips and instructions built upon 35 years of clinical practice and teaching.  He paints a picture of a therapist in a way that inspires me to rise to the challenge of training and the ongoing character growth that is so crucial to this profession.  He promotes curiosity, humility and transparency, and breaks away the the image of the therapist as an all-knowing provider of interpretations, or a blank canvas to absorb transference.  He gives a practical guide for mining the here-and-now aspects of the therapeutic encounter to further the process of therapy.  He describes tools  for incorporating the therapist’s own feelings into the mix as well as how to explore dream material, how to take a history and how to look at their present; how their daily life is organised and peopled.  He writes with deep pride on the privilege of helping others find meaning, health and joy.

Skynner, Cleese (1983)  Families and how to Survive Them  London: Vermilion

This was a a whistle-stop tour through all the major themes of child development, identity, attraction, relationships and family dynamics written as a conversation between Robin Skynner, a psychotherapist and John Cleese his former patient.  They discuss the continuum that exists with optimally healthy families at one end; dysfunctional families with inter-generational problems at the other; and the “normal” families in the middle in which we see an expected mix of ‘screened off’ feelings alongside coping mechanisms, defenses and social norms to smooth the way.  Skynner draws on Freudian ideas as well as later work by more recent therapists and analysts who looked at how families work as a system.  Each part affects all other parts of the system.  By considering inter-relationships through the eyes of a typical family we can learn about letting go of inherited mistakes and move forward to optimal family life.

Van Der Kolk, B. The Body Keeps the Score, United Stares: Penguin

This book is about how trauma impacts a person causing long term suffering to victims, their families and future generations.  Using scientific methods such as brain scans and clinically sound investigations, Van Der Kolk looks at how the mind and body are transformed by traumatic events; how neural networks are formed as coping mechanisms and may later morph into unwanted behaviours.  This is followed by a paradigm of treatment that seeks to give individual patients ownership of their narrative, their bodies and a route to self awareness and healing.  Yoga, EMDR, neurofeedback and theater are offered as examples of pathways to recovery and I believe that art therapy is another good candidate for an embodied type of therapy, one that does not rely on talking alone.  This book answered questions about my own pattern of mild symptoms and has opened up the whole field of mind/body connection in relation to trauma and healing.

Axline, V.M. (1964) Dibs In Search of Self.  London: Penguin

Virginia M. Axline has written the true story of Dibs, her client; a talented and sensitive child who was trapped in isolation due to the lack of emotional connection in his life.  Through psychotherapy - play therapy to be precise - he regained his sense of self and was eventually able to thrive, utilise his gifted nature and contribute to society.  It is an eloquent case study obliquely laying out the principles of play and art therapy.  The therapist built the safe environment in which the child could open up and slowly verbalise his deeply felt emotions.  reparation with his parents blossoms.  It is notable that the therapist made it safe for Dibs to express negativity.  This teaches us to think about hostility as a sign sometimes of adequate ego strength for the feelings to be articulated.  In that sense, aggression is a sign of health!  This book is a beautiful testimony to the power of psychotherapy to transform lives.  

Malchiodi, C. (2011) Trauma Informed Art Therapy and Sexual Abuse in Children. In: Goodyear-Brown, P. (ed.) Handbook of Child Sexual Abuse: Identification, Assessment and Treatment.  United states: John Wiley & Sons

This chapter deals with how art therapy helps children who have suffered sexual abuse to articulate their sometimes unutterable experiences in a manner that the therapist can understand while within what is tolerable for the child.  Trauma informed art therapy involves using art materials to address hyper-arousal and to teach relaxation, referencing the specific neuro circuit that is activated by hands on activities of a soothing nature.  The sensory and tactile qualities of art materials need to be taken into consideration, how they are central to trauma recovery, but equally how they may trigger memories of distressful events.  The somatic approach, using colour and shape enables children to locate the place in the body where trauma is held so they can learn to diminish distress.  The author comments on the relevance of culturally sensitive materials and projects.  This has been a rich article for me, linking my reading on trauma, with art therapy for a client group I may want to work with in the future.  

Cane, F. (1951) The Artist in Each Of Us. United States: Art Therapy Publications

This book bridges art and therapy.  It aims to give the reader a means to achieving a richer art and a more integrated life.  It looks at how movement, feeling and thought work together.  I was intrigued to read detailed technical instructions for accessing subconscious material which can be used to reach higher levels of artistic expression and also personal healing.  The case studies record the progress of her students and how transcendence was coaxed up through fantasy, play, rhythmic movements, chanting and other indirect means until it could be released for union with the conscious.  I tried out some of these techniques and was surprised to discover not only the catharsis, but also the unexpected outcomes of artwork spontaneously arising from my own psychological material.  It shows me how the perceptive teacher can awaken in her students their own creativity and direct them to find solutions for subtle or complex inner dilemmas.

Dalley, T. (ed.) (1984) Art as Therapy. An Introduction to the use of art as a therapeutic technique. London: Routledge

This book is an introduction to the theories that underpin art therapy and is broad in it’s range of contributing authors.  We get an outline of the role of art within a therapeutic framework, the manifestation of art as play, as a language of symbols and development.  The historical links between art education and art therapy are explored; the differences and what they have in common; and a possibility for merging the two fields. Each chapter on a specific client group offers insights for working with these vulnerable people in a way that will give direct therapeutic benefit. 

I found the chapter on art therapy in prisons to be particularly enlightening.  The author was clear about the actual constraints of working in that environment, what the pitfalls might be and she presented practical guidance on overcoming them.  She promotes a vision for how arts can transform the most ant-social of prisoners into creative, productive people; this raises pertinent questions for the current justice system.

Price, J. (1988) Motherhood, What it Does to Your Mind  London: Pandora Press

A fascinating book delving into the psychology of mothering written by a female psychiatrist and psychotherapist.  It ties up the concepts of attachment theory with the realities of modern relationships and societal expectations.  It is presented through the lens of a Woman, a woman who lived through her own mother-daughter dynamic, pregnancy, giving birth, breast feeding and the like.  She looks at how our culture and family story play out in our own lives whether consciously or unconsciously.  By normalising much of the natural difficulties of mothering, this book can offer solace in trying times.  

I am a mother of four boys and pregnant with my fifth child, so I am justified to claim that his book ought to become mainstream knowledge.  It is through lived experiences that we can most genuinely form opinions and then reach out to help others in a professional capacity.

Case, C. Dalley, T. (1992) The Handbook of Art Therapy  London: Routledge

This handbook is a bird’s eye view of the profession.  It covers the theories of psychoanalysis and how it intersects with art as well as a detailed look at the practical aspects of employment as an art therapist in jargon-free language.  This gives a beginner art therapist a survival guide for those inevitable first forays into work.  I gained a grasp on the complexities surrounding room set-up or lack of appropriate dedicated space.  A how-to guide on various forms of note taking making use of the same example session throughout the different formats was extremely helpful.  There is clear preparation for supervision, referrals, working in an institution, operating as part of a team versus being isolated and potentially being misunderstood.  Reading this was an important step towards becoming a competent practitioner. 

[justanoutlawfic]

Life Unexpected: Chapt. 9

Summary: Mary Margaret and Emma talk about their shared expierences. A familiar face returns to town. David is forced to confront his true feelings.

Also on AO3

Emma didn’t move as she watched David comfort Mary Margaret. She had almost not shown up to the office to begin with, but with him calling she knew that he obviously wasn’t upset with her. She had almost gone to Lily’s, but decided halfway through that she didn’t want Mary Margaret to be able to find her. She wandered around, not sure where she could go. Back in Boston, there were plenty of places. Storybrooke was so small, it’d be easy to find her. She might as well go to David’s office.

 A part of her wished she hadn’t. She wasn’t good when people got upset, she wasn’t very great when it came to emotions period. She wasn’t sure how to feel when it came to Mary Margaret going through what she had. A part of her wanted to track her biological grandfather down, another part of her continued to remain frozen in place.

 Luckily, she didn’t have much time to think. David gestured for her to stay put and for some reason, she felt obligated to listen. She watched as he continued to comfort Mary Margaret through her breakdown. Eventually, Mary Margaret pulled away and wiped her face, clearly trying to calm down. Her eyes drifted to the doorway and she saw Emma standing there. David helped her up and he walked over to Emma, squeezing her shoulder.

 “We’re not mad at you,” he said.

“David…”

“I am just…I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that.”

Emma saw the look in his eyes, he seemed so heartbroken. No one had ever gotten that upset on her account. “It’s okay,” she whispered.

“No, it’s not.”

“Well…you’re right. I just…I don’t know what else to say.”

“I know you’ve been through a lot and if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.”

Emma nodded, forcing a small smile on her face. “Yeah. Thanks, David.”

“Anytime.” He looked back at Mary Margaret, before focusing on Emma again. “I don’t want to leave you right now, but I think that you and your mom need to talk.”

“You’re probably right.”

“I’m gonna go grab us all something to eat from the cafeteria.”

 David shut the door behind him and Emma walked further into the office. Mary Margaret had a look on her face that Emma had only seen in the mirror before. It was one of heartbreak and overall feeling like falling apart. She settled into one of the chairs in front of David’s desk and Mary Margaret sat beside her.

 “I’m sorry I didn’t come talk to you first,” Mary Margaret said, speaking first. “I was just so surprised and I didn’t understand why you didn’t tell me…not until now.”

“You could’ve come to me.”

“I know, I know. It’s just…”

“You don’t trust me.”

Mary Margaret bit her lip. “I wouldn’t say that. You haven’t done anything to make me not trust you, it’s just that we barely know each other.”

“I get that.” Emma let out a deep breath. “Astrid’s working really hard to get this stripped from my record and expunged all together, I just hate talking about it.”

“Well that, I definitely understand.”

“Your dad…”

Mary Margaret nodded. “Not many people know. Regina was the only one until today.”

“I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“And I’m sorry that it happened to you.” Mary Margaret took her hand. “I never wanted this for you. I did my research, I found you the best family that I possibly could.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I swore I would never let a child go through what I did…”

“Mary Margaret.” Finally, her biological mother looked her in the eyes. “There was nothing that you could’ve done. Even if the Swans had raised me, there was no preventing it. The only person that could was Bill.”

Mary Margaret chuckled, in spite of the fresh tears that were falling down her face. “You really are so mature.” She moved her hand from within Emma’s and touched her cheek. “You know, Ruby’s fiancé is a psychologist. I know it can be hard to talk about, but he can help you.”

“I had some counseling after I got with Astrid, but I only got so many sessions with my insurance through foster care.”

“Well, something tells me that David has a lot better coverage.”

Emma smiled a bit, this time it was genuine. “I guess it couldn’t hurt. Maybe you could go too.” Mary Margaret paused, clearly unsure. “The few sessions I had really helped, maybe it could help you.”

“I’ll think about it, alright?”

Emma nodded. “Of course.”

 Mary Margaret sighed, rubbing her own face to get rid of the tears. It was now red and her mascara had run, but Emma wasn’t about to tell her that. It was the first time she looked imperfect and maybe it was weird, but she liked it.

 There was a knock on the door, causing both of them to look up. David stood there, balancing two trays. Mary Margaret hopped up to help him, grabbing the second one. The two distributed the food and Emma watched them closely. This was the first she had really seen them get along for more than a few seconds. They were smiling at one another and David seemed to be sitting as close to Mary Margaret as possible. They clearly weren’t as over each other as they thought they were.

Over the next few weeks, Emma and Mary Margaret both started seeing Archie. Mary Margaret didn’t hear much about Emma’s sessions, but they were clearly helping her more than she expected. As for Mary Margaret herself, it was weird to tell her story to Archie, but he was giving her healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with the nightmares.

 When she told her former step-mother, Regina was really proud of her and admitted that she had seen Archie for a bit after Daniel died. It had caused her to have a breakdown and she got help for everything, from losing the love of her life to the first marriage that she had been thrust into, and the abuse she had suffered. Regina said that if not for therapy, she wasn’t sure if she would’ve been able to open her heart to Robin. Mary Margaret wasn’t sure if she’d ever let her heart open like that, she had once and it had only given her nothing but pain.

 As Thanksgiving came and went, Emma seemed to be getting a bit more comfortable around both Mary Margaret and David. She definitely wasn’t close to calling them mom and dad, but she had stopped referring to them as her biological parents. She was opening up a bit more, sharing bits of her childhood that she hadn’t previously. It wasn’t ever any of the bad, but Mary Margaret enjoyed knowing that Emma’s favorite T.V show had been Arthur and that when she was 8, she had been Peter Pan for Halloween.

 One night, the two of them were headed to Granny’s for dinner. It was getting colder, the Maine air blowing on both of them. Emma clung her coat tighter to her body and adjusted her beanie. Mary Margaret linked her arm through her daughter’s, and Emma didn’t pull away, instead smiling up at her.

 Before they could walk inside the diner, there was an even bigger gust of wind and a sound of a motorcycle behind them. Emma turned around first, a huge smile forming on her face as the person removed their helmet.

 “August!”

August grinned, parking officially and climbing off, giving her a hug. “Hey, Em.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I sort of got a job in town.”

Emma raised an eyebrow. “You’re a mechanic. I didn’t think that kind of work had job transfers.”

August rolled his eyes. “The shop I was working at went under. I started looking for other jobs and found one here in town. I figured why not.”

 Mary Margaret could see how happy this news made Emma. She and August talked on the phone as often as possible, texting and e-mailing as well. Still, she knew it was hard for the two to be so far apart. They were the closest each other had to siblings.

 “Do you have a place to stay?” Mary Margaret asked.

August nodded. “I’m actually staying in your building, first floor.”

Emma’s eyes brightened at that news. “We’re going to be neighbors?” When August nodded, she hugged him tightly once again, making him laugh.

Mary Margaret smiled. “Well, this calls for a celebration. You want to join us for dinner, August?”

“I don’t want to intrude,”

“Of course you’re not, come on. You can tell us all about your travels on that death trap.”

Emma rolled her eyes as they walked inside. “I’m guessing that means you’re not going to let me on it?”

“We’ll talk about it with David.”

“Great, that’s a definite no.”

 Mary Margaret smiled, knowing she was probably right. The diner wasn’t too busy, which meant they were able to pick their table. Mary Margaret settled on their usual one in Ruby’s section. Emma slid in next to August, showing him the menu and telling him all her favorites. It warmed Mary Margaret’s heart to see that in just over a month, she clearly considered this one of her favorite places.

 Ruby walked over to the table, a smile on her face. “Hey guys.” She noticed August sitting beside Emma and raised an eyebrow. “Boyfriend?”

Emma made a face. “Ugh, gross.”

August pretended to look offended. “Gee thanks, Em, glad to know I’m out of your league.” He chuckled and held out his hand to Ruby. “August. August Booth. I was Emma’s foster brother.”

 Ruby’s face grew pale as she slowly shook hands with August. He and Emma didn’t notice it, but Mary Margaret saw that her friend was looking like he had just seen a ghost. Ruby shook it off, though she clearly wasn’t her usual self as she took drink orders. Before Mary Margaret could ask what was wrong, Ruby made a beeline to the back. Mary Margaret excused herself, not that Emma or August could hear her over exchanging inside jokes and talking about an old foster parent.

 Mary Margaret made her way to the back of the diner, hiding behind a wall as she listened to Ruby on the phone, clearly sounding upset.

 “I’m telling you, it’s him!” She let out an irritated sigh. “I know it could be a popular name, but I know it…listen, Archie, just come down here and see for yourself!” There was a pause. “Thank you.”

 Ruby hung up the phone and leaned against the wall, burying her head in her hands. It took Mary Margaret a minute to realize that her best friend was crying. She walked closer to her, putting a hand on her arm. Ruby jolted, her head snapping up.

 “Mary Margaret…I…I’m gonna get your drinks.”

“That’s the least of my concerns,” Mary Margaret said. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Ruby sniffled. “I’m fine.”

“Ruby.” Mary Margaret gave her a look.

Ruby sighed, running her fingers through her long, dark hair. “There’s something I never told you, I thought you might hate me.”

“There’s nothing you could do to make me hate you, you’re my best friend.”

Ruby sniffled again. “Remember when I lived in Boston? With my mom?”

“Yeah, it’s where you met Archie.”

“Exactly, well…I got pregnant…and we tried, we really did.”

Mary Margaret frowned. This was Ruby’s big secret? She became a mom at 16? Did she really think she would judge, given her own situation? “Okay.”

“But it was just too much. Archie had a mentor at the time, Marco. We gave the baby to him and I moved back to Storybrooke.”

“I’m still lost at to what is making you so upset.” Mary Margaret put a hand each on Ruby’s arms. “Tell me, Rubes.”

“The baby’s name was August,” she whispered. “And his adoptive last name would’ve been Booth.”

Mary Margaret’s eyes widened and she glanced back at the table, where Emma and August were sat before looking back at Ruby. “You mean…”

“How much do you know about him?”

 Mary Margaret paused, trying to gather all of the information that David had told her after he confronted August back when Emma first came to town.

 “They were foster siblings, August was in the first home Emma was in after her adoption fell through. I guess it was his first foster home too. His adoptive father died…” Mary Margaret stopped, swallowing a bit. “And from what I remember David telling me, he talked about his biological parents abandoning him with an older man.”

 Ruby’s head dropped back to her hands and she let out a sob. Mary Margaret pulled her into her arms, rubbing her back soothingly. She had been in Ruby’s position over a month ago, but at least Emma knew who she was. August sat there, no idea that the woman who gave him up was in the very same building.

David sat in his home office, trying to do some research for this case. He had made the mistake of putting it off the night before when Alice came over with her girlfriend. Emma had been with him as well and he wanted to make the most of the situation, trying to avoid an incident like last time. Luckily, Emma and Alice had gotten along and there was no outright jealousy there. The night ended with hugs, not picture frames breaking. It also meant that he would most likely be pulling an all nightery with this case.

 “Dave.” David looked up and found Killian standing in the doorway. “Your mom’s in the living room.”

 For a split second, David almost told him to cut the bull. His mom hadn’t spoken to him on her own accord since she found out about him keeping Emma a secret. She saw him, but that was mainly so she could see her granddaughter. The rest of his siblings and step-mom would talk to him, but Ruth was clearly still hurt. David didn’t blame her, but it had lead to some awkward moments. Since Emma had spent Thanksgiving with Mary Margaret, Regina and the rest of their family, he had opted out of going to his mom’s. He spent the day with Killian and Alice, not wanting to deal with the awkwardness. James said that it had been the wrong move, but for once he wasn’t the black sheep of the family, what did he know? David loved his mom, but was going to give her space. There was only so much rejection he could take.

 However, Killian looked pretty sincere. David shut his laptop and walked into the living room. Low and behold, his mother was there. David cleared his throat and she looked up from the picture of Emma that he had hung up a week prior.

 “Mom,” he said. “What are you doing here?”

Ruth stepped forward. “You didn’t come to Thanksgiving.”

“I didn’t think you’d want me there.”

“That’s ridiculous, David Robert.” He cringed at the use of his middle name, he hated that he was named after his father. “Of course I wanted you there.”

“Well, you haven’t been acting like it.”

“I’ve been upset with you.”

“I understand. I just didn’t want to deal with the awkwardness.”

Ruth sighed, gnawing on her bottom lip. “I love being a grandmother, you know? I have always loved Gideon, even if he’s not my blood.”

“I know that.”

“I would’ve been so supportive of Mary Margaret and Emma.”

“I know.”

Ruth tilted her head. “I thought you didn’t want to disappoint me.”

“That was also true, but I also knew you. You loved babies, more importantly, you loved family. It’s so important to you. I knew you’d insist on helping Mary Margaret with the baby, even though there wasn’t much you could do.”

“I would’ve watched the baby so the two of you could go to school and work.”

“At the time…I didn’t want that.”

“That’s not how I raised you.”

“I know!” David watched as her eyes grew big at his explosion. He ran his hand over his face. “My thoughts were the exact opposite of how you raised both me and James. I was being a selfish, coward. I was too scared to own up to my child and be the father they deserved. I couldn’t admit that to you, not with how perfect you thought I was.”

“David…”

“I heard it my entire life, Mom. You thought I was this perfect kid who could do no wrong. And a part of me got it, because of all the trouble James got in. Still, though. You went on and on about how I was the good kid. I never gave you any trouble. You were so damn proud of me and the thought of you hating me…” He trailed off, willing himself not to cry. “I couldn’t live with that.”

Ruth stepped closer to him, reaching up to touch his face. He hated that she could make him feel things he hated. “I never would’ve hated you, David. I still don’t hate you. You’re my son, I love you so much.” David nodded, feeling a tear fall down his face. “I know I put a lot on you, but I also know that you’re human. You made a mistake, but that doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re not your father.”

 David let out a shaky breath and Ruth pulled him into her arms. He hugged her tight, allowing a few more tears to fall.

 “I wanted to tell you,” he whispered. “When I was older, when I realized the mistake I made. I just didn’t know how.”

“I understand.”

“I’m sorry, Mom. I’m really sorry.”

“I know, Davey. I know.” She pulled away, tilting up his chin. “And I forgive you. The question is, have you forgiven yourself?”

 David looked down into her kind eyes, biting down on his lip. He wasn’t sure if he had the answer to that.

[valkyrieofsmut]

Something to say.

Hey guys, I love you all! I have things that are written to put out this week, but they still need to be transferred to tumblr and edited to put out.

Problem is- I have a family member I am very close with that is in the hospital and isn't coming back. Along with the US Thanksgiving and all the cooking and work I'll have for the rest of the week- I am going to be with my family and at the hospital every moment I get.

So you may see me around, reading, commenting back on stuff, and I have a few auto posts set up to go out already, but I can't get anything else ready to put out right now.

I'm taking a break from posting stories this week, might be able to bring myself to get something ready to put out by the end of next week, but I can't look into the future and say.

Right now I hope you are all having a good day, a wonderful week, an amazing month, and keep your chin up!

I'm not dealing with the situation, right now, and I know it's not a healthy coping mechanism!

[sockori]

What do you think about Sasori's death? Why he didn't dodge Chiyo's final attack?

Well. 

On a more personal (and perhaps biased) note: I can understand from a writer’s point of view that he was “the challenge” for our main crew much like the other Akatsuki members (pretty much an obstacle), but I felt like the elimination was much too sudden. Sasori was one of those characters that, ironically for his meaning of art, flew by with a small backstory and went out like the wind, even if his past went a bit more deeper then the others. Kishimoto set him up very nicely, with a very interesting concept (human puppets and that overall subject), and had me hooked! Characters such as these, who are incredibly complex but only appear for a very short time, are somewhat of a treasure for me a h a h, especially those like Deidara and Hidan. Its a shame that some writers don’t give their children the love and time that they deserve.

But hey, Sakura got her time to shine, right?  

As if for why Sasori didn’t dodge the final killing blow, well, that’s another analysis entirely. :,,^) Let’s get abstract!

It is up to the reader’s choice on whether the decision was simply a ‘last resort’ or its much more deeper then one might think. There are many ways that you can tackle this, but here’s the most common people like to propose:

1. the puppets that ‘attacked’ him were his parent puppets and that’s why he ‘refused’ to dodge it

2. overall mental state and acceptance caused him to give up entirely in the last second

For me, its pretty much both… But consider one at a time.

A moment to review Sasori in psychology overall. To sum up it without it getting way too long, he has a delusion towards puppets because of emotional neglect. His parents were eliminated in war and his grandmother neglected him because she had no clue what to do with him in substitute for just telling him the truth- so, the old coot forever curses him by giving him the worst coping mechanism known to mankind. Fake love. Porcelain, resin and mechanical hearts ease the mind for poor puppet boy, carrying him into a self-crafted fantasy, labeling mortality and flesh nothing but a nuisance. All others became unimportant as his childhood home slowly became a building full of never-ending loneliness and dread, and this need eventually turns into painful infliction on others- and eventually himself.

Before we start going into an emotional tangent about his past, let us all come to an agreement that it was extremely depressing, and its pretty evident that it carried onward in more resentful ways then healthy ones. Sasori finds fascination in finding faith in mechanisms then in people, and when people interest him he has this tendency to think ‘puppet-worthy’ then ‘friend-worthy’. His parent puppets, though not actually made from the parents themselves, are a huge chunk of this problem- because, well… That’s were it all began, isn’t it?

It began with his parent replicas, and its not the fact that they’re replicas of his parents that makes it important. Not only did this signify that Sasori was truly lonely and perhaps his grandmother wasn’t exactly the best caregiver- but the beginning of spiraling downward into appreciation for the undead. His outlook on life starts to sour, and he develops no remorse or shame towards others on his way to supposed ‘prefection’, having the freewill to eliminate anyone who gets in the way of it or is part of the equation. This is a bit of a repeat of what I just mentioned before.

Recall that mortality is seen as pathetic in Sasori’s meaning of art and human interaction is difficult for him because of the puppet obsession. Sasori’s transformation into puppet forms wasn’t him being prideful, or trying to achieve the ‘ultimate power’. Infact, it was most likely the opposite (pride-wise), merely being that he just didn’t want to feel the depression and dread buried deep on his shoulders, and felt freed once his emotions faded and nothingness took over. This such nothingness creates a barrier that Sasori deems wonderful, mostly because the grief surrounding his parents (and perhaps his friend Komushi if you want to make the claim that the poison was an accident) are blocked out completely and he doesn’t have to worry about them any longer- but that doesn’t stop them from continuing to linger in the air. This entire idea right here goes back to my Sasori headcanon relating to disassociation- where the ‘nothingness’ actually becomes a problem for him when, from time to time, it causes him to ‘fall into a black hole of anxiety’. Perhaps through this, Sasori begins to see that he pretty much screwed himself over once he warped into a puppet. He still senses the loneliness- it lingers eternally, and he can never escape the past. He begins to regret what he’s done, but it was obviously much too late to do anything else.

Then, he realizes. On his transfer into a puppet body, Sasori basically died from the get-go (depending on how you theorize his process). He ironically perished in order to become this form of “eternal beauty”, and finds that he had become part of what he despised- death. Through this wicked immortality, not only did he create a wall against his emotions surrounding his parents, but against his parents themselves. Because he still has the ‘living’ part of him intact, puppet boy cannot pass onward to the afterlife to see them once more. So, only one solution on mind, and you know fully well what it was.

The battle soon comes to an end, and there they are. Reminded of all of his previous problems and what it lead up to, Sasori seizes the opportunity to give himself the peace that he rightfully deserved since the beginning.

so, in order:

1. Parent replicas begins puppet obsession2. Puppet obsession leads to poor coping skills3. Poor coping skills spirals into puppet transformation4. puppet transformation leads to instant regret5. instant regret ends with a solution

For me, I see Sasori’s true death being that immediate transfer of his conscience into the puppet body, but everyone has their views, right??? Hope you didn’t suffer reading through all of this. He’s just that interesting o k ?

[nopingitoutme]

I would like to preface this by saying that I love my brother. 

He is not a good person. Not in the evil way, not in the I hurt people, or I bully people kind of way, but in the - I have never critically thought about my privilege and general existence kind of way. I’ll slow down and start from the beginning.

I am Canadian but my parents are Asian, South Asian to be precise. My dad was born and raised in India while my mother is Pakistani. From there my parents made their way to the US where they met and got married. My dad studied mechanical engineering at University of Oklahoma. He was accepted into Princeton but the tuition was too high, University of Oklahoma was the only university that afforded him with a full ride scholarship. So he made do and studied. What you have to understand here is that my dad was poor like extremely poor. He used to tell us how he would steal packets of ketchup to eat because they had a high sugar content and he couldn’t afford actual food. He didn’t have a choice when it came to studying, he had to get his degree so he could find a job. If he didn’t he was a short, Indian, Muslim brown man with no family, no support system and no credentials.

My mom actually got her degree in nursing in Pakistan but because the credits did not transfer she was not a nurse in Virginia, she worked as a lab tech. Eventually my parents met and got married then had my oldest brother.

Here’s the thing, my mom’s immigration story is murky. While her “nanny visa” isn’t exactly illegal, the fact that the only “children” she was taking care of were her cousins. The rest of her family trickled in using farming visas. I’ll be frank it was definitely fraud in some way but done just carefully enough that the government was willing to overlook it. My mom’s a Canadian citizen now so I don’t have to be worried that she could be deported. 

But anyway my parents met, got married and procreated twice. I have two older brothers who were born in New Jersey and have American citizenships. At this point we were poor. My dad was barely making anything with his engineering degree and my mom had two kids under the age of five, she was basically supporting the family with her job as a lab tech. Then my mom found out she was pregnant with me. My dad being a financially responsible man asked my mom to terminate the pregnancy (she was on birth control, I was very much a whoops baby) but she declined. I am not going to turn this into an anti-abortian argument, I am very much pro-choice, I was just giving context to the situation my parents were in. A few days after I was detected(?) my dad got a job offer in Alberta and accepted it. It turned out to change our lives entirely. My dad started making more and more until he was making six figures a year. This is the type of life I grew up living, moreover this is the life my brother grew up living.

Since I have two brothers, I’ll name them, the ok one will be O and the not-okay one will be U.

U has never known, or remembered financial stress. He is two years older then me so can’t remember his life in New Jersey but he can remember his life in Canada. I won’t insult him by saying his life in Canada is easy, he is lives in an Asian household and my parents are typical Asian parents. They are strict and overbearing, they meddle too much in our lives and they do not get along with each other. Growing up was stressful, my dad definitely has an untreated mental disorder that results in a violent temper and tension in the house for days on end. None of us have healthy coping mechanisms. O is going to get married in the next year, he is terrified that his wife will rely on him to be the sole breadwinner and through that he will become abusive towards her. U, well I’ll get to that. I ignore everything and avoid conflict like a sport. My eventual plan is to get my degree and fuck off and never come back. So, not the healthiest environment to say the least. But I do have to say that it affected U the most. 

He became fanatical. He became obsessed with judging people. He would continuously ask me why I was, “everyone’s lawyer” for having the audacity for saying that unless we understand someone’s circumstances we cannot judge them for it. The best example of his confusingly conservative personality is the fact that he agrees with the Vietnam War.

Today we decided to watch the Chicago 7. He didn’t want to. His first complaint was that it got bad reviews, we showed him the reviews which were overwhelmingly positive (he considers himself a film expert, you can tell by the way that he uses the words “film” instead of movie and “cinematography” and “we shouldn’t focus on diversity in Hollywood, we should just pick the best actor for the job”) the truth came out he did not like the fact that it was about people fighting against the government. He agreed with the conscription and said that he would gladly give his portion of the inheritance to the Canadian military since it was his civic duty to support them, never mind that we pay taxes to support them so they really don’t need more. More and more pieces fit together. His easy spending of money, his virulent defence of conservative policies, his anti-immigration stance. He’s a piece of shit and it took me nineteen years to figure that out. He’s just genuinely a piece of shit.

And  I don’t know where it came from. No one in my family has such extreme views, we are a family of immigrants. I mean the only vaguely conservative thing we do is be rich. And before anyone comes for me I am aware of my incredible privilege. I am also aware that we embody the American Dream to the T and I am aware that the American Dream is a lie fed to us by the rich and no one becomes rich because you worked hard. You become rich because you had connections or in our case we were extremely lucky.  But U is not aware of his privilege as a wealthy person. He doesn’t seem to grasp that he didn’t make good choices, he had good choices (peep the reference), choices that allowed him to get a tutor so he could write the MCAT, choices that allowed to spend months studying and not be worried about money, choices that give him connections to med students and doctors, choices that he only got because he was rich. In fact he is so unaware of it, that it’s like he believes he deserves it. It’s like he believes that it is his God-given right to not have to pay his own tuition, his cell phone plan, his fucking life is paid for and this bitch thinks he deserves it. He spends money like it’s water, he believes transgender people are just mentally ill, he’s anti-immigration (which is hypocrisy of the highest degree, where do he think he came from? He’s darker then I am!), he’s a white posh British man in a twenty-two year old brown body. 

And then I realized, he wants to be that British man, he craves it. It’s why he wants to send his future child to an English boarding school so he (the child will be a boy and named Alistair, apparently. I can’t make this shit up. I wish I was making this shit up) can become a cricket star. He is creating a fantasy, one where he isn’t in this stressful tension-filled house, one where he is the hero, the saviour, the one who is right and rational. He can’t stand the fact that he was born in the family, a family where my mother still speaks with an accent and wears traditional clothing. A family that eschews normal society conventions of being white and Christian and conservative. He hates that he can’t be one of them. And because of that he ignores the immense amount of privilege he has been given. He doesn’t believe in white privilege, believes that affirmative action is reverse racism, believes that immigrants are obligated to give up their heritage to become functioning members of society. What’s that Futurama quote, “don’t insult billionaires, you’re insulting my feelings towards being able to be a billionaire someday” (I don’t know I’ve never watched Futurama, I’ve only seen that quote in a gif). My point is, is that my brother is ashamed. He is so deeply ashamed that he repressed all of his empathy and humanity to beg at the alter of capitalism and classism. He cannot reach the inherent privilege that being white affords you so he makes up for it by being the poster child of white supremacy in other ways. And all of that makes me sad.

Because after all, I love my brother.   

[sweetwriting]

Category: Gen

Genre: Angst/Family/Fluff

Fandoms: DC Comics, Batverse

Continuity: Post-Crisis/Pre-Flashpoint

Summary: In Hindsight, Tim realizes he used to be both extremely naïve and aware of the world. He wasn't sure whether he had “grown” or just changed. But too much had happened for him to be the same.

Word Count: 1 970

AN: Hello everyone. I'm sorry for not posting this sooner but, while most of my works are somewhat finished, I write on paper and rewriting on the computer takes time (and then comparing the first draft to the rewriting, and then trying to edit it a little because of mistakes...it takes more time than I'd like to admit...though the rewriting part is what takes the longest because sometimes it takes me like 3 days to do one sentence because I remember I have homework or I have to go to work...). I won't be posting day 5 (favorite relationship) because...I couldn't choose between Dick and Kon and tried to use both and it ended up becoming sorta TimKon and I didn't want Dick to feel left out...or Bart and it's a mess I have to try to rework. If I can't manage to rework it I'll post the best version. As for day 6, I just thought I had rewritten it on my computer and posted it when I started rewriting day 7 but I haven't yet and I'm currently rewriting others (TimKon Week and the Batfam Halloween event) so... it'll come, one day ^^'.ANYWAY. This piece, while a standalone can be seen as a sequel to that piece. I hope you enjoy it :)

To read it on AO3

In hindsight, Tim realizes he used to be both extremely naïve and aware of the world.

In the words of the internet, his naïveté mainly came from his privilege.

He knew a lot of things from reading newspapers (well…what had been about Batman and other heroes as well as what he could gather about Art History which, depending on the journalist, could open a window on the world) but it was “from afar”, he was never really confronted with their concrete application until he met Bruce and was transferred to a non-private (and non-boarding) school. Meeting Ives and Ariana was kind of a wake-up call and so was meeting Steph and, really, the many others who followed. There was also his constant denial of the state of his birth family and how it had impacted the way he took the death of Dick’s parents by projecting on Batman and Robin…that….took some time to deal with (hint: he had never truly dealt with it) and was the root of many of his issues. And then, then there was all he saw of the world as Robin.

Now, however, he had become almost completely cynical. There was a reason why he knew the Anti-Life Equation after all. Sort of. Because at the same time, even if it made sense, he refused it and there was a very simple reason for that. The naïve part of his being never truly left and, in a way, was heavily encouraged by his training with Batman. There is something to say after all, about a man dressed as a bat who tries to prevent others from being hurt the way he had been during the night and who tries to help redeem the crimes of others by giving them constant second chances as well as tries to prevent them by making affordable healthcare or rehabilitation programs through various of his own associations and giving money to others. Because that belief that people could change, that you should trust that they would try and deserve those new chances? It was all Bruce’s.

Of course, Bruce had also had to learn paranoia so some of his lessons went against this faith in people, yet, despite all the paranoia he had tried to create in his protégé, a part of Bruce always seemed to be burning with the trust he put in others (or maybe it was just a hope that he could trust them?). And Tim had been at the best place to see it worsen over the years. As such he ended up developing a paranoia-trust dichotomy similar to Bruce’s but… He never quite managed to take his paranoia as far as Bruce’s - or Dick's- because he couldn’t help himself and almost always trusted people he had just met despite himself. He had learned, however, not to be surprised if he was betrayed and to sometimes prepare for it even if a tiny bit - and even then,  he never completely managed to if his surprise that no one would give him the benefit of the doubt after Bruce's death was anything to go by. Because being trusting didn’t mean being an idiot.  

It was amazing how he had both changed and stayed the same over the years.

He had gone through a lot to learn to balance awareness turned paranoia and naïveté, cynicism and trust and there were periods of time when he couldn’t help the cynicism and paranoia overcoming him. It was especially bad after Conner’s death as it was probably the first time they had truly made themselves known (instead of simply just being him channeling his inner Bruce and Dick in order to appear professional) and then Bruce’s death. Though… It was mostly true after Bruce’s death. The truth is that after Conner’s he wasn’t really functioning enough of a person for anything besides crushing depression and overall numbness for those to overcome him (maybe he should consider Bart’s death as a threshold too?). And retrospectively, Bruce’s method of “repressing it until it no longer bothers you” hadn’t worked. on him. If anything it had made things worse. Because for Bruce, even for Dick really, repressing actually fueled them. Of course, their level of angst and depression went up too but it still helped their vigilante life. On a side note it seemed like the Batfam was blessed with overall good friendships with outsiders who often did what they could to help them out of their funk when repressing became too much for them, and maybe that was Tim’s issues. His friends were either dead or… “out of the way” …Though unlike most of his family Tim didn’t really have any issue with asking for help.

So for Tim, that technique just…blocked him. Blocked him until his level of empathy seemed to start lowering and he just did what he had to do to help.

He honestly doesn’t know what would have happened to him if Bruce…No. If Conner hadn’t come back. Because realizing Conner was really alive, that he could have his best friend back? It felt as if he could be happy again (that night he had smiled one of his first honest smiles of happiness, of contentedness in over two years and finding actual clues about Bruce’s survival was important but not for the obvious reasons). After that -and he hated saying it- but getting Bruce back wasn’t as important. Not because he didn’t care, of course, after all, he’d have given his life to bring him back if it had been needed. The thing is though, had Conner been with him in the first place when Bruce had died, he would have mourned him. He wouldn’t have been desperate to have him be alive to the point of noticing something was wrong. And this belief (no, this knowledge) mattered because having Bruce and Dick hadn’t helped him mourn Conner. Bruce being alive was more important for the family, or even Gotham at that point more than for Tim’s sake. Well except for his sanity (and that’s why he could finally digest the idea that his best friends were back, Paris hadn’t been a hallucination). Learning that Bruce was indeed alive and that he hadn’t “gone insane with grief” was pretty great.

So having both back? That was the best feeling and it was also key in turning two years of hell into fuel for growth instead of just stagnating at an all-time low.

The sole fact that he still needed a crutch to help him deal said a lot about the state of his mental health but he had come a long way from the time when denial and projecting were his main coping mechanisms. Kon had helped a great deal in reminding Tim that he was allowed to deal while Bruce was probably one of the first people to actually listen and respond to Tim’s babbling (whether it was about his days, his missions, and Tim had even started talking about some of his issues. For all intent and purposes, Bruce had acted like his father very early on. He had been a better father than his biological father had been. And Tim couldn’t help but feel bitter at the fact that Bruce had been a relatively better father for him before he adopted him than after…not on all matters seeing as he had been more openly affectionate with Tim but it didn’t prevent Tim from feeling like he always had to prove he was worthy of it. ....Damian hadn’t helped). It was the same with Dick who was his brother long before either were adopted by Bruce, who had become his brother when he had been his Batman, which is why losing him after Bruce (and Conner) died destroyed the small amount of stability Tim had left. But again, had Conner been alive, had tim still noticed something was wrong, he could have dealt with this.

It wasn’t so much because Tim was dependent on Conner more than he was on Bruce and Dick. Though he kinda was, it’s more that Conner had helped him realize that he didn’t need Bruce and Dick as much as he used to because he had actual relationships like Cassie, Bart or Cass (even Cissie and Anita had they not somewhat lost touch). But Conner died barely more than a year after they founded Young Justice and due to their own complicated history, the development of their friendship and their help with each other’s issues had happened too close to Conner’s death for Tim to be able to apply what he had learned in dealing healthily (or as healthily as possible). He had time to get attached to his best friend in the five months that followed the reveal of his identity but he hadn’t had enough time to adapt to this attachment in a relatively healthy way. Still, Cassie had helped him a little after they made up -after she discovered how terribly he was dealing with Conner’s death- and so did Dick (after all he was the one Tim called when he felt suicidal enough to be tempted to jump or take one too many pills).

Mostly though, Tim was never as content as when he was with Conner. He’d love to say as happy but sadly, while it was a bit true, before Conner’s death, he and Tim’s friendship had truly started at a time when their environment prevented either of them from actually being happy and the fact that so much happened in such a short lapse of time didn’t help. Between Bruce being accused of murder, Tim’s father losing his money and going back to forgetting he had a son to take care of, then finding about his night life and his death following Steph’s, Conner having to deal with his non-existent life outside of heroics and trying to adapt to having a relatively stable family, having to get used to a new name, a new identity , learning that he was half megalomaniac instead of 9/10th Apple Pie as well as what seemed to be like feelings for Cassie to deal with -which, retrospectively weren’t even especially romantic,….It had been a lot.

But now, now that Tim had started processing everything that happened to him? Conner was the person who made him the happiest and the most content. He was even getting ready to talk to Bruce after having recently talked with Dick.

He was truly amazed at how so many terrible things had allowed him to get so much better than how he had started out when it came to trust and love. How putting his trust in others had been so rewarding and how even the harshest betrayals had helped him.

How despite everything, while he had become fairly cynical he could still be so utterly trusting. How, while he had shed some of his naïveté it hadn’t completely disappeared so much as evolved into a belief in people despite his knowledge that they could and might betray him.

And as he was sitting in the kitchen beside the picnic Alfred had prepared for him and Bruce to eat after their Tennis matches (which is when they would talk. There was to better way to unwind before a meeting you knew was gonna be tense).

He was eating freshly made cookies and couldn’t help feeling apprehensive of how their talk was going to go through. Yet, unlike what a lot of people would believe, Bruce was a good listener when he realized the subject at hand was something important for the person he was communicating with (unless very specific circumstances). So if things had gone well with Dick? And if he had a shot at repairing his relationship with all his loved ones? He would take it.

Author’s end note :   When I rewrote this on word the first thing I thought was "damn this is so messy" then I stopped and realized "you wrote this from Tim's Point of Vue, of course it's messy"... if I start forgetting how I'm writing my stories I'm not gonna go far...

 By the way, one @Chonaku-Things told me recently that it was impressive how I almost always manage to bring everything back to my ships (especially true for TimKon and SpideyTorch) and I would like to defend myself. It's not that I do it because I ship them, it's quite the opposite as I simply ended up shipping them because that's how they're written (whether on purpose or not). It's their fault, I just notice the patterns and end up shipping it because it's almost always there.

 Here's a post that explains how I see the timeline between the first Young Justice issue and Infinite Crisis (though it technically starts at the beginning of Robin v4). Well...Sort of.  I didn't detail it because for this all you need is an overview and I didn't have the faith to do it event by event (I have a relatively complete chart in my mind but I'm not an encyclopedia so there are some things that're missing or might be wrong for the detailed version that I'd have to look up. Which is why I keep this chart short and clear, it helps recenter the timeline and reduces the issues I have to go through when I need something a bit more complete, it's weird to have it done instead of just staying in my head).

Anyway, I'm a bit tired of people who talk about Tim's paranoia being on par with Bruce's as a way to show how extremely paranoid he is when: 

Bruce in Pre-New 52 wasn't actually that paranoïd (unlike New 52 or Nolan's movies, most of his choices come from his experience yet "paranoia" usually means it's not warranted).

Tim is like...one of the most trusting members of the Batfam. The end of his Robin run and his Red Robin series are his most distrustful periods and the kid still keeps on trusting people. (he told pretty much everyone he thought there might be a chance Bruce was alive. He told Cassie he had freaking heard the Anti-Life Equation, he trusted Lynx even if he knows it might not be true and I doubt it's just because she's pretty (even if Tim does have a weakness for pretty girls he still does these kinds of things everyone?...just not the making out part)).

I've also actually read A Lonely Place of Living and it was terrible. Like, I didn't expect to like it and I knew that if they tried to pretend N52/Rebirth Tim was the same as pre New 52 Tim it was going to get messy (different to the point of almost opposition personalities will do that to you), but I didn't expect it to be that bad. If you want my more complete opinion on ALPoL here's my liveblog of it.

[rantingsofadamnstudent-blog]

Draft 5: Detachment

Okay google…Why does crying make your head hurt? “According to healthline.com, Sometimes the emotions you feel when you cry can be so intense that they lead to physical symptoms, like a headache. How crying might cause headaches isn't clear, but intense emotions, like stress and anxiety, seem to trigger processes in the brain that pave the way for headache pain.”

Okay, but Hey google…is it healthy to cry? “According to agingcare.com, “Crying is not only a human response to sorrow and frustration, it's a healthy one.” It is a natural way to reduce stress that, if left unchecked, can have negative physical effects on the body, including increased risk of cardiovascular disease and other stress-related disorders”

But google…if this is true, why crying stigmatized as a weakness? “According to enlightensolutions.com, Crying is a Sign of Strength, Not Weakness. Crying is the body's way to not only reduce emotional stress but process it.”

My mother has always told me to never let anyone see you cry. Mom, did that extend to you? I grew up with her telling me to be in touch with my emotions, but also showing me another thing. Every time she cried, she would hide and said it made her seem weak. I never thought so. Ironically, this transferred to me, no matter how much my mother told me I wasn’t. With this, I Just built up an immunity to crying in public. Coping with the passing of my grandfather, you can imagine I was an emotional wreck. I couldn’t cry at home because god forbid I started a chain reaction of 3 girls crying. I had to think level headed about the situation. Keeping myself busy always helped, and the whole ordeal has taught me a lot about responsibility. I even feel like it made me grow up fast. I remember going over to my boyfriend’s house a few weeks after and just walking through the door and just crying, and it wasn’t just a few tears, it was a full total breakdown. The fact that my mother taught me it was okay to cry, I didn’t feel emasculated crying to my boyfriend and his mom. I just couldn’t cry at home because I feel like the moment I started, I broke the chain. I had to be strong and hold my emotions, so I could help out my family with their emotions. It was a line of regret, remorse, anger, and even just self-hate. Being the logical person, I had to pick up the pieces when they fell apart. It was so hard to pick up their pieces when my pieces just kept falling. I just couldn’t process the death. I couldn’t even cry at the funeral and barely at the burial. Since the beginning, I feel like he was suffering. It took about three or four years for the cancer to claim his body. That is three to four years that he has been suffering, so in my head, he is at rest. Of course, I would want him back with us, but he’s better resting than suffering. I always tell my sister this, but it also gets me through the rough times as well. We did the rituals of novenas where we pray for nine days for the deceased to arise to heaven safely. During these rituals, everyone was overly emotional, and my mother would even cry from time to time. Again, I was as numb as a noodle. Most of my coping mechanisms follow me through how I process a lot of things. Although I am a very loving person, people can say I am a bit detached. They even say that I am a logical person, I just can’t explain how I feel about things. Personally, I believe I am excellent in describing how I am feeling to someone, I am just horrible in showing it. Even thinking onward, the only thing I can think of is if the way I process emotions and events will rub off on or directly impact my future and future children. I hope not.