#then I'm good with a little bit of healthy mistrust

[batw1nggg]

"dr character analysis anon" again, hi. Saw the thing about Komamiki. I have...mixed feelings about that ship.

While Komahina does objectively have the most going for it, I'm personally a multi-shipper for Nagito. I think the fandom really sleeps on a lot of the ship potential he has with some of the other cast. Admittedly most of the potential is with male characters. But outside of some fun platonic BroTPs (like Sonia and Nagito), I'd say there are 2.5 good f/m ships for Nagito. Komanami, Komazumi, and depending on the writer, Komamiki. Because a writer I know who's played around with it over the years has done some pretty interesting stuff.

Now I say "2.5" because like...I have noticed a REALLY weird pattern with Komamiki. In that it seems to be the main Nagito ship pushed by fans who are incredibly harsh on the character and vocally against Komahina. Who are typically also Hinanami shippers. I've even pointed out examples to that writer, and they found it pretty baffling too.

Like one of the most insane takes I've ever seen (and the writer wholeheartedly agreed with me despite being only mildly into Komahina) was someone pointing to Komamiki as "a healthier alternative to Komahina". Because like...one of the most interesting things to explore about the ship is that it has a high probability of turning quite ugly and toxic. And to actually get a healthy Komamiki outcome requires quite a bit more work than most other Nagito ships. Like one of those good Komamiki stories I read had both of them go through therapy before meeting again as adults after Hope's Peak closed down (a kind of non-Despair AU).

Yet those detractors of Nagito seem to really think that they could just hit it off pretty quickly. And that Nagito's worship of Ultimates would be a boon to Mikan's self-confidence. As well as Mikan being a nurse making her a perfect partner for Nagito. Which is just...no. A happy relationship between Nagito and an Ultimate should have him gradually come to see them as a partner and an equal. And Mikan's FTEs show exactly why giving her a partner medically dependent on her is a TERRIBLE idea. She would need to come to terms with just how unhealthy her desire for control over her patients is before having a partner like that.

So yeah, tldr, I think Komamiki can be an interesting ship to explore, but I can't help but view some of the people pushing it with a bit of mistrust. Like I almost wonder if a handful of them are doing so in bad faith. And perhaps they actually do want Nagito to end up in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship where his partner has power over him.

ok see i agree with a lot of the points here ive always been interested in the komaeda mikan dynamic, just platonically. because i cannot see him liking women romantically (or her liking men romantically) at ALL like i just cannot see it. their dynamic is very intriguing from what little hints of it we get from chapter 3 its just that in my eyes they wouldnt be toxic lovers theyd be gods worstest girlfrenemies. i support the dynamic i do not support it romantically lol. and also id never trust a komamiki shipper like ever at all because of what you outlined . its like how youre always suspicious to trust junkan shippers because their dynamic can be interesting to explore but it has to be handled carefully to be brought justice yaknow.

[pussyslaycatboy]

1 2 3 4 5 7 8 10 20 22 23 25 30 36 41 e f and g with august :)

and i love you SOOOOOOOOOOO SO SO SO SO MUCH BABY

HELLO BABE I LOVE YOU!!!!! SO MUCH!!!!!! KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS!!! also you're insane for this im putting this under the cut its so much

he straight up can't, because he needs a constant distraction from his thoughts, otherwise he'll start spiralling. he literally does everything he can not to think, so he can't just sit there. he'll explode.

surprisingly easy, despite being sick in the head he's actually pretty easy-going with most people, and he has a good sense of humor. if he doesn't laugh at a stupid joke then you KNOW something's wrong.

he very rarely goes to bed sober. again, because of the "needs a constant distraction" thing. so more often than not, even if he's sober beforehand, he'll take a few shots to get tipsy before he's comfortable enough to sleep.

it really depends. august has this huge mistrust of authority figures, so he won't trust anyone who's even moderately related to therapy or counseling or teachers or cops or anything. HOWEVER, if he likes someone he's got a bad habit of completely ignoring all their flaws and trusting everything they say (bpd moment), and it'll take almost no time. and he's aware of this flaw, and tries really hard to be mistrusting so he doesn't get hurt again, but. well. it doesn't really work.

again, depends who you are. on the off chance he becomes close with an authority figure, even the slightest fuck-up can cause him to immediately shift back into distrust. however, someone he likes can lie to him over and over, and august will fall back into trusting them if they just apologize and promise they won't do it again. kind of pathetically easy to gaslight his ass.

anything home-y triggers nostalgia for his family--home-cooked food, suburban white family decor, stuff like that. the feeling's kind of bittersweet, because he did have a fairly happy childhood (even including the time he was getting groomed, unfortunately) but it also hurts because he knows he'll never have that again. he also gets nostalgia for church-related stuff like sunday mass, but that's less pleasant because it just makes him think about harper (for not-chad, the priest who groomed him as a teen) and how he was abandoned by him.

august was a pretty normal good kid, but he was. a little bit gay. so he'd get reprimanded for stuff like staring at male models at the mall or doing "girly" stuff and shit like that as a kid (which sucks, because he was never taught to cook or clean because of that). tbh otherwise he was a really good kid--his grades were average, but he made up for it by being really faithful, and he was usually pretty quiet and polite.

when harper left him, august learned really quickly that he could NOT tell therapists and shit that being groomed was the best thing to ever happen to him. because they'd always go "oh my god, that's terrible! i'm so sorry that dirty man did that to you!" but. august was genuinely at his happiest while being groomed (obviously it wasn't healthy, but he was really happy). so he learned really quickly not to talk about it at all, or lie and say that it was soooo awful. it doesn't haunt him per se, but he built a lot of resent towards authority figures for that reason, because nobody would ever listen to him and always tried to make harper out to be a bad guy, which august does not agree with. and it fucking hurts to pretend he doesn't love harper.

he honestly can't really differentiate them. his family loved him, but he always felt like it was conditional, so he'd consider familial love to be fake. and he can't tell the difference between romantic or platonic love--the closest thing he could tell is that romantic love is when you want to fuck a person you love, and platonic is when you don't want to fuck them.

when he's jealous, august becomes EXTREMELY insecure and clingy. he has huge abandonment issues that are already worsened by his bpd, so he'll dig in his heels and do absolutely anything not to be abandoned. which. does include hurting people he loves and acting in a super unhealthy way.

he gets sooo bitchy, or will mope and whine around the person he's envious of until he gets what he wants. like a fucking 8 year old.

he wants to get married one day, but has trouble imagining someone sticking with him long enough to get to that point. as a kid, he really really wanted to marry harper, and a part of him still hopes he can. he's kind of bitter on the subject of marriage because it's basically inaccessible to him.

probably anim, because it's their fault that he learned all these terrible things about harper. he would have been more than happy to live completely ignorant forever, but now he can't do that.

he seeks out romance constantly, because he's unable to not be in a relationship. he needs to feel wanted and useful, and if that means he needs to pursue people who treat him terribly, he will. it's not really "romance" in a healthy sense, it's more like looking for attention and sex and affection under the guise of a romanic relationship.

he's neutral on them. he doesn't want them himself, and thinks they're kind of annoying, but they also make him nostalgic for his own childhood. because he wishes he was a kid again so bad, because he was so much happier.

e. i think i'd like sharing hot gossip with august but i could NOT be close with him. way too much drama involved, and he's basically just a more intense version of my mental illness so i think it would suck. plus i think he'd find me boring.

f. he makes me so fucking sad. because i think he's so tragic but also he's kind of the oc that's closest to me in terms of. many things. so his shit hits a little close to home. i love him.

g. he refuses to fucking get therapy. get normal loser boy.

[stellocchia]

Since I really enjoyed yesterday's stream I decided to do one of my overly long analysis on it

So, here's my analysis of (DSMP LORE) Healthy Competition

Dialogues will be color-coded as usual, so here's what I used: Phil, Wilbur, Ranboo

As always I am incapable of brevity, so everything's under the cut

The stream starts with a conversation between Phil and Wilbur in which Wilbur admits that he hasn't been to visit Phil in a while, which makes Phil's later threat about throwing him out feel that much more ridiculous since Wilbur clearly doesn't really live with him either way...

"Alright, it's got one for Phil, one for Ranboo, and one for Techno. Is that all that live here? Just you three?" "Yep, just us three, just chilling"

The only reason why I'm singling this out is that it was right after the mention of Techno's birthday and Wilbur was pointing at the seats occupied by the 4 members of the Syndicate so it feels slightly weird that Niki wasn't mentioned at all. But also it's technically not a lie, she doesn't live there and she only comes around for the Syndicate meetings.

Another thing to add is that Wilbur did notice the chest Ranboo left for him and consciously decided to ignore it.

"I must admit I've come to you with a bit of a- a bit of a proposition. You're into propositions Phil? Are you a bit of a 'propositions' kinda guy?" "Oh, depends, depends. You- you've had some pretty... let- let's just say, uh- not- not a great track record on propositions that you've had in the past" "Alright... I mean, I'm trying to move past that"

I wonder what exactly Phil is referring to here. Because, like, Wilbur did bad things, don't get me wrong, but what's his track record with "propositions" in particular? Because he isn't talking about "Tommy, let's be the bad guys" here since he doesn't know about that. Is he talking about Wilbur founding L'Manburg? But then again, I don't think Wilbur interpreted it that way. I think that, from Wilbur's reaction, he clearly interpreted it as a jab at him exploding L'Manburg (which is the one thing he's trying to move past) which would be extremely hypocritical from Phil since he did the exact same thing but worse.

Also, I really do think that Wilbur is trying to move forward. He's lonely and he has the lowest possible opinion of himself so it doesn't feel weird that he'd want to move on. He isn't putting the work in it right now and he hasn't really changed, but he does seem to want to (though I think he may not know how).

"He [Quackity] didn't seem afraid of me, which is cool. Not many people- I mean you don't seem afraid of me. You aren't afraid of me, are you Phil?" (little look into Wilbur's mind and his fear of isolation once again. And this is fear of isolation, he's worried that other people are afraid of him and therefore are only waiting for him to step out of line so that all their fears would be confirmed)

"'Cause I'm not afraid of you [Phil]" (bold words for someone who spent who knows how long lying to his dad because of a crippling fear of disappointment...)

"Technoblade spent his entire time taking down the establishments, what he left is, as predicted, a power vacuum for a new establishment to come in" (in case it wasn't obvious, Wilbur is not the biggest fan of anarchy. And he actually got this one criticism spot on, indeed all taking down L'Manburg did was getting 4 new governmental-like structures to sprout in its place)

"Phil, I want to make a burger van" *Phil sighs and walks away* (I'm more sure now that Phil really meant "creating L'Manburg" as Wilbur's bad track record with propositions)

Wilbur repeating 4 times that he has no ulterior motive with the burger van managed to make me think the exact opposite. That said that ulterior motive may just be to create a safe little home for himself and Tommy for all we know honestly. Also, the whole thing with Phil trying to convince his grown-ass kid to go play with the neighbor kid and Wilbur throwing a tantrum in response was hilarious...

"If he's [Ranboo] shit you gotta come help me okay? If he's shit you've gotta come be burger boy with me, okay?" (he still is mistrustful to an extreme and pretty childish admittedly)

"Why is he [Phil] treating me like a kid?! Why is he treating me like a little baby?" (remembering how Wilbur treated Fundy I think it may be a family problem)

Another interesting thing to point out is that Wilbur was openly scared of the spider attacking him here, and fights it off, but he doesn't move away from the explosion later on and he didn't move away from the exploding creepers last stream. Other people already made this connection, but I do think it may be a sort of way to punish himself. Specifically, it's brought up later on that he thinks he got off easy for what he did, so he's using what he hurt others with (explosions) to hurt himself now as a sort of punishment for that. Which is another indication of just how much his stay in Limbo didn't help with his mental health.

"Am I being- is this [Ranboo having both cows and wheat] a setup?" (the paranoia never left)

"Ranboo I'm gonna go out on a limb here: do- do you wanna be friends?" "Su-sure yeah, I don't see why not" (I think that at this point it was still just Wilbur following along with what his dad told him to do and trying to find out more about Ranboo. That does seem to change later down the line)

"And then we decided that it [the 'cookie' outpost] was too much trouble so we kinda just left it" (So we have confirmation that the cookie outpost was abandoned)

"We're not gonna annoy Quackity" "That's good" "We can't annoy- we can't annoy him because we're simply put- we're simply put gonna be making...- I got the real estate! He's giving me the area and we're gonna be making a competing business"

Wilbur says this as if he wasn't perfectly aware that this would annoy the sh*t out of Quackity. As if the point of it wasn't exactly to annoy Quackity. Or well, annoying him isn't the end goal, it's just the means to an end. We don't know the actual end goal (though I think Wilbur still wants to either be let into Las Nevadas or actually instate a rivalry between them as he said, one of the two).

"We [he and Quackity] were a part of the same cabinet during New L'Manburg or whatever" "Cabinet?" "Yeah a cabinet is like-" "Was this- was this with Tubbo?" "Yeah yeah" (...) "So you were part of the old L'Manburg? I didn't know that actually, I thought you were a bit of an independent"

Once again: Wilbur is missing A LOT of knowledge. He wasn't aware that New L'Manburg had a cabinet and he wasn't aware that Ranboo was ever part of the country either. He has a lot of misconceptions about what happened during the time he was dead so it really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that his views on a lot of things are as warped as they are. Wilbur is getting to his conclusions with an incomplete and sometimes wrong set of data.

"Do you dislike anyone Ranboo?" "Not too much I don't think. I mean there are other people I don't, like, agree with what they've done of course, but I think that everyone is just a product of what they've gone through and everything so if you understand that then you understand the person!"

There is nothing inherently wrong with Ranboo's reasoning here. It's true that most people are a result of their environment and, once you understand what they've been through you can understand them better as a person. It's also fine that he personally doesn't want to hold grudges. But that way of thinking isn't applicable to those who have been hurt by others, sure they can reach an understanding, but an understanding of a person doesn't justify shit and doesn't change shit unless that person works towards repairing old broken relationships. It just all sounds like a nice way of thinking about things in theory, but in practice, it just takes away responsibility from those who have wronged others to fix things and moves it to those who have been wronged. (Ranboo isn't advocating for everyone to think that way though, but I know the fandom will).

Either way, they arrive in Las Nevadas and Wilbur talks about how their place doesn't benefit the consumer and puts down 3 signs.

"I've been trying to think of a name for it [his and Tommy's area], I'm thinking about 'Paradise'"

There are two possible reasons for the name that I can think of:

1) It's in reference to Las Nevadas itself and how Las Nevadas is based on Las Vegas, the famous city of sin

2) It could be a reference to Tommy insistently calling Las Nevadas Paradise in the last stream and Wilbur trying to convince him that their place is the true Paradise

Wilbur does decide to make the Burger Van right at the border which really feels like a very obvious provocation. The other thing is that he makes it clear that he wants the van to be red and white which could be a random choice, but really feels like a reference to Tommy (since they are famously his colors) or an imitation of their opposition. Or both considering how much Tommy liked the restaurant of the opposition and the fact that Wilbur is still trying to convince him to stay.

"I'm not very fond of blue" (at this point it's obvious that Wilbur has quite a bit of pent-up animosity against Ghostbur. I wonder if it is because it still feels like people liked the ghost more than him...)

"Like, the Cookie Shop, I don't even know if it was a cookie shop, to begin with, because it was a little... fortified if I'm entirely honest, I realize that now" "Really?" "Yeah did you not see- oh wait- that giant stone structure?" (Ranboo really did fail to realize that the cookie shop was actually a military outpost, huh?)

"See, I like Tubbo. He's strong-headed, he doesn't let people push him around, you know?" (this is both an interesting change in what he thinks of Tubbo if he actually thinks that and further confirmation that Wilbur isn't a fan of people he considers to be 'followers')

"Why do you claim that you're so 'peaceful' and 'neutral' and yet somehow appear in almost every conflict this server's had since I died?" (since I saw people claiming this is manipulation already, just know that it isn't. He's just confused because, admittedly, Ranboo is a confusing guy and Wilbur doesn't really know him at all)

"Ranboo, why did you come to help me?" (...) "And then also I just think, you know... you can, you know- I think- I think you're an alright person, you know? So I wanna- I did kinda wanna get off on a better foot with you then what happened-" "Why?" "Just because I don't really like having the thought that people don't really like me" "Nonononono not the bit about the right foot, the 'why don't you think I'm a bad person'" "Well I mean, I think that you did bad things, but like, I think that you also went through things that made you that way and then I also think that you've changed now (...) but I think that now you've- apparently you've been away long enough that I think that if anyone goes away for that long eventually they'll have a thought about their morality and everything and maybe become a better person because of it"

I know this quote was absurdly long, but it is one of the most interesting conversations of the whole stream and it is really important and it tells us quite a bit as well. For one thing Wilbur was left quite emotional from someone simply admitting that he's an "alright person" and that they think he's capable of changing and this does bring him to open up to Ranboo right after. What Ranboo says to be exact is that anyone would have changed after going through what Wilbur went through and that change could be positive and while I completely disagree with it, it's clearly something that Wilbur needed to hear.

Now as to why I disagree with the notion that 13 years of semi-complete isolation could change anyone for the better should be rather obvious. But if it isn't, well, that's torture to put it simply. Psychological torture. Just like abuse it's one of those things that only cause trauma and a worsening mental health state and we see this with Wilbur because he didn't change, he only became more self-deprecating. Hurting someone doesn't make them become a better person all of a sudden, that's really not how it works. Hurting someone makes them become more traumatized.

"I think I scare people" ( as I said, immediately opening up about his insecurities)

"I think that a lot of people share your idea, but they share your idea in trying to- trying to keep me from hurting them" (for a bit here Wilbur talks about how he feels like everyone else is just waiting for him to step a foot out of line, which does really show that he's still interpreting all his interactions with people through the lens of his paranoia and self-deprecation, because no one is really interacting with him with that objective in mind)

"Dream's had his comeuppance and I've not" (this seems to be the crux of Wilbur's insecurity. This idea that he got off scot-free for his crimes, the idea that the only difference between him and Dream is the punishment that's been bestowed upon them which, of course, is wrong, but he doesn't know this, because he doesn't actually know why Dream's in prison)

"I've been investing into the wrong areas Ranboo, I've been investing into the wrong people" (This is either a reference to Tommy, to Phil, to Quackity, or to all of them)

"We're kindred man, we get each other" (the reason why he thinks that is because he seems to think that Ranboo has a similar type of paranoia to what Wilbur experience himself and he's not entirely wrong. Ranboo is deathly afraid of conflict and of being disliked so much so that he never stands up for anything in fear of angering others)

Little definition of "neuroticism" for you all since Wilbur kept mentioning it: neuroticism, one of the Big 5 personality traits, is typically defined as a tendency toward anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and other negative feelings.

I'd say it's quite fitting for both characters...

"I feel like life dealt us the same cards and the difference is that you built your trust by showing people your cards whilst I- I keep them close to my chest and I feel like that may be the big difference" (I felt like this was interesting. Especially knowing how much Ranboo actually doesn't share and how much he actually also keeps close to his chest)

They talk about tubbo in general for a bit and about what's been going on the server in general. Ranboo also that he's part of both Snowchester and the arctic commune (mostly the latter though).

"This has been chill, this has been good, I'm excited to show Tommy. What's your opinion on Tommy?" "Oh, he's- he's great. Tommy's awesome" "I agree I agree" "Definitely gone through a lot but I think that it's made him a good person" "Well you seem to think that everyone going through something at least gives them some merit you said" "I mean, yeah. I mean if- if no one- the only really bad people are the ones who are just evil because- just because and they don't have any reason why"

Included the whole thing here because if I stopped at Ranboo saying that Tommy going through trauma is what made him a good person it would have sounded really bad. As things are I think that that was just poor wording on his part and that this mostly goes back to the mentality he expressed before about how people sometimes do bad things because of the environment they're in pushing them and this idea he seems to have that actual hardships (like 13 years in Limbo or whatever he knows about what Tommy has been through) can encourage people to be better which is... sort of naive honestly. Again, trauma isn't a catalyst for the betterment of a person, and any improvement Tommy has made came from his self-reflection, not what he's been through.

After they're done with the van Wilbur brings Ranboo to their competing establishment and asks him to smash the windows, which Ranboo does with no hesitation whatsoever. After that Wilbur proceeds to place down one single block of TNT in a corner and Ranboo starts being a little more hesitant.

"You trust me right?" (I feel like that was a trick question considering how their common paranoia is the thing that Wilbur praised in Ranboo before)

Wilbur hands Ranboo the flint and steel to detonate the piece of TNT which Ranboo does, albeit with some hesitation.

"You passed the test, good job man, you go back to the van (...) Ranboo- Ranboo... I'm proud of you man. You've taken a side, you've proven that you can choose a side"

Quite a few people have already pointed out how similar this scene was to the time Wilbur tested Tommy in season 1 to decide if he was fit to be his right-hand man. In both situations, Wilbur gave someone a chance to cause some destruction against someone on the opposite side. Tommy passed the test by refusing to do so and showing that he was willing to uphold his morals and what he believed in. Ranboo passed the test by doing the exact opposite, by showing that, as much as he talks about how he chooses people and not sides, he's not willing to prove that even when all he would need to do to do so is doing nothing.

And it's an interesting scene to analyze as a parallel to that, but it's also interesting to note that Wilbur knows about Ranboo and Tommy griefing George together. He knows that Tommy was the only one to face any consequences for it (not that exile was actually the consequence for the griefing, but this is from Wilbur's point of view). Now putting this in the context of Wilbur seeing himself in Ranboo and thinking that he himself got off scot-free explains this next part perfectly in my opinion.

It explains why he made sure to leave this sign:

To me at least. This is only a theory honestly, we don't have an actual full explanation. But I do think that Wilbur may feel like the both of them never got the comeuppance they deserved, which is why he did something that's sure to get a reaction from one of the most powerful people on the server. Though considering that he also left 2 diamonds as retribution + a chest with all the materials he picked up it could have also been Wilbur's idea of a bonding moment and he could actually really be proud of Ranboo.

[likeadevils]

i’m not gonna lie to you. i understand very little of this

Oh my god I'm so sorry i took so long to answer this! 

edit: I accidentally hit post before i was ready, i’ll edit this a second time with an explanation! 

so the easiest thing to explain is the planets; if you have even a small understanding of the roman gods, you more or less know the meanings. you don’t need to understand the farthest three planets, those are generational. Houses are a bit trickier.

sun: your outer world, how you view yourself, the overview, you probably already know the basics. sagittariuses are adventurous, easy-going, and smarter than they let on. They’re biggest downside is their tendency to be a good friend to many but a best friend to none. your sun is in your first house,  which basically means you come across more or less as how you are.

moon: your inner world, emotions and imagination. cancer is ruled by the moon, which just means your moon is as moon-y as it can get. cancers are the archetypal mother of the zodiac, they’re maternal and in touch with theirs and others emotions, gaining them a reputation for being either overly sensitive or manipulative, depending on who you talk to. it’s in the 7th house, the house of partnerships (either professional or romantic, as long as it’s one on one). it’s a very hopeless romantic placement, you make an attentive and emotionally intelligent partner, and your emotional state is tied to your partnerships. 

mercury: how you communicate and learn. capricorn is the archetypical father, they’re stable, hardworking, and ambitious. your mercury can only be one sign away from your sun, and there’s a... rumor? old wives tale? that if you’re mercury is different than your sun, it means you have a distinctive communication style (taylor also has a sag sun and a capricorn mercury, by the way). it’s in your first house, this is also a very important part of your identity, how you present and see yourself.

venus: how you love. scorpios are... tortured artists. they're intense, mysterious, and drawn to the mystical and taboo. they look for the poetic truth above the factual. they have a hard time expressing this though, especially if it’s not on their terms. it’s in your 11th house, the house of friendship and groups.

mars: your aggression, both positive (passion, willingness to go after what you want) and negative (rage). this is also in scorpio, and also in the 11th house-- your love and anger are two sides of the same coin, which is always fun.

jupiter: your states of growth-- you at your best, but also most taxing. leo’s are ruled by the sun-- they’re big, bright, and like to be at the center of things. healthy leo’s (jupiter signs tend to take the positive aspects of a sign) are good at drawing people in and making them feel comfortable in the spotlight. it is in your 8th house, the house of death and taxes. planets in your eighth house are. i don’t know how to say this nicely, but they're something that will be taken from you, either willingly or by force. 

saturn: your states of restriction-- states of rest, but some of the darkest times in your life. gemini’s are clever, above all else. they’re good at adapting to new situations, with the caveat (like jupiter signs, saturn signs take the worst of any given sign) that they’re never settled in themselves. prone to swinging between extremes, two faced, etc. it’s in your seventh house, the house of partnerships-- your world gets smaller as you get more exhausted, you both need and mistrust close relationships.

 your chart seems constantly aware of how other people perceive you, and your ability to express your emotions seem-- important, but caged? your heart is strong, and loud, but your ability to express that is... difficult. youre much better at monitoring other people, and your emotional state is deeply tied to that of those you care about. you lean into your intellectual strengths and your ability to please others-- with the exception of your intellect, ego, and reputation (which reside both in yourself and in public), every other major planet is tied to something greater than yourself-- your love, friendship, and fate. 

[jerzwriter]

1, 2, 3 and 11, 12, 13 for both from the OTP ask list.

E1. Who fell for the other one first?

2. Was it love at first sight?

3. Was it lust at first sight?

E&C: Given that their first meeting was so chaotic, it's hard to say what their visceral reaction was. While she certainly thought he was hot, she really felt he was an asshole, and that made him a lot less attractive to her at first. He was at work and so in "the zone" he didn't even look at her with "those" eyes, so it's hard to say. But when Casey decided to salvage their initial meeting at the vending machine, both of them felt a bit of a spark. It was undeniable, and a little scary, especially for Ethan. He felt something pulling him toward her and he knew that was not good, so in true Ethan fashion, he ignored it. Casey thought it was amusing, but didn't give it much weight. But when they shared a drink together at Donahue's later that night the sparks were flying. Each of them felt it, though neither acknowledged it. The fact that Casey was comfortable calling the Ethan Ramsey out on his bullshit at work the next day, and the fact that he allowed her to remain in the department after that, is a testament to how close they felt to one another.

I don't believe in love at first sight, and neither do they, so not love, but tempered lust at first sight, for sure. They also definitely had a connection that neither understood, but they could not deny.

T&C: Their beginning is the canon-divergent version that I've started in the Their Start series. So far, I've really just covered the very beginning. Their first meeting was at the deli with Aurora, and it was firey lust at first sight for both of them. Crazy, hot lust that they have not seen through yet, but not for lack of trying. It's not love at first sight, but there is something there, especially with Tobias. The fact that he mentions her to a friend on the phone is huge, this is just not something he does. He is a player at this stage of his life and, frankly, he's bewildered by why he has it so bad for her. He gives into it easily enough, but it is so far out of his purview that he doesn't know what to do with it, so he bungles it pretty badly. Casey feels something for him, too and she wants him, but internally she feels like the fire is just too hot and she could easily get burned. That said, she can't resist him and when he confesses that he does not want them to have a sloppy roll in the hay for their first time because he knows they are going to mean something, she's very happy to hear it. That's where the story stands right now. This will develop into more, but they will have a bumpy road to get there.

11. Are they a healthy couple? If no, why not?

12. Do they have the potential to be healthy if they’re usually toxic?

13. Do they have the potential to be toxic if they’re usually healthy?

E&C: If they had met under different circumstances, I think they would have still faced a lot of challenges, but given their circumstances, it was almost impossible for them to get off to a healthy start. I wouldn't say they were toxic at first, but they were complicated. Once they slept together, things entered the toxic environment.

In my HC, Ethan let Casey know he was going to the Amazon, but (per canon) he did not have contact with her. Boys and girls, that was a fucked up thing to do and set off a pattern of hurt, pain, poor communication, avoidance, and mistrust that hurt them for a good long while. They cared for each other desperately underneath this all, but they started such awful patterns that, if not for the attack, I'm not sure where they would have ended. But that tragic event forced them both to look at things in a different way and work toward being more mature in their interactions with each other. (I diverge from canon quite a bit at this stage).

I would now define them as a very healthy couple who has the potential to be toxic - because ALL relationships could become toxic if not handled appropriately. But, since they are handling things right, it's a very loving, functional, happy pairing.

T&C: They met in very different circumstances and it was very, very physical at first, but it became quickly apparent to both that there was more there than met the eye. If it would have been solely physical they would have fallen into bed, had their thing, and moved on which was his MO at this stage of his life and since Casey wasn't in the best of places, she was only slightly better.

They both had a lot to learn about being in a real relationship, especially Tobias who had made it his purpose in life to avoid them. So neither was in a place to have a truly healthy relationship when they first met, but Casey was smart enough to see the red flags and she did what she should have done to protect herself. It took going from not speaking to growing a friendship (and only a friendship) to eventually opening the door to more to give them the time and skills they needed to be a healthy couple.

They will have growing pains, but they are 90% healthy. They will work on that 10% toxic and they will be fine. However, like I said above, any relationship has the propensity to be toxic if not handled with care. Luckily these two love each other and want this to work, so they take the necessary steps.

[milasartblog]

Brothers' quarrel (part 3)

Gabriel was flying fast around the entire Heaven in a search for Michael, panicing and feeling stressed.

Gabriel: Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God!! What have I done?? None of this would happen if I took an action. Sneaky demon! When I find you, I will make sure you will pay for-

Lucifer: Pay for what?!

A sudden voice stopped Gabriel as he jumped from surprise, seeing Lucifer flying in front of him, looking not pleasant to see his brother.

Gabriel: Lucifer?? How did you-??

Lucifer: You were looking for me, well, here I am. Now what is it that you wanted to do to me??

Gabriel: What did you do to Michael, bastard?!

Lucifer: Me? Nothing. Didn't your brother tell you the truth? Oh wait, I forgot, you didn't want to listen to him!!

Sharp voice made Gabriel flew back a bit.

Gabriel: B-Because you hypnotized him!! Normal angel would not date with a demon!!

Lucifer: Oh, really?? What if i say that i didn't do anything to him? Not even a single inch of his hair was touched when we confessed to each other. But who I'm kidding, you will still not believe me!

Gabriel: How can you be trusted?? You're demon, creature who guides humans to untrue paths!!

Suddenly Lucifer grabbed Gabriel's shirt as lifted him closer to his face.

Lucifer: Now listen to me, little brat. I don't care how bad you think about me or my demons, it's your opinion. And yet, what I do care is that how you, angels, still see us as bad creatures. I don't deny, we still create mess and we LOVE to do it. But thanks to your God's mistake, times have changed in Hell. Even I accepted such changes.

Gabriel: Wait, what mistake?? God never makes mistakes!! And how is it connected to Michael??

Lucifer: Oh, trust me, it's soooo connected. And if my words don't convince you, then maybe He will.

Gabriel: Wait, what are you-

He couldn't finish the sentence as they both teleported to Hell under loud screams of Gabriel that could be heard almost in every corner of the Hell. As they got to Hell, Lucifer and Gabriel teleported to Gardener's house.

Lucifer: Well, here we are.

Gabriel slowly opened his eyes that were shutted from fear as looked around, not believing what he was seeing. The place looked almost like any casual human or angel house, with nice garden, nothing messy was here, nothing "hellish" was here. It was so hard for Gabriel to believe as he rubbed his eyes, even slapped his face: it didn't help.

Gabriel: What is this place?? Is it another of your illusion??

Lucifer: Well, you will find it out soon~

Gabriel: Find out what?? What are you-

Gardener: Oh, so this is stubborn Archangel you were talking about, Lord Lucifer.

An old man with bright welcoming smile came out of the house, as Gabriel looked at him a bit surprised.

Gabriel: Umm, but he is a common demon.

Lucifer tried to keep his emotions under control as smirked and introduced Gardener to Gabriel.

Lucifer: Gabriel, it's Gardener. The one who was sent by God here by His mistake.

Gardener: It's an honor to meet you, Sir Gabriel.

Gardener bowed which made Gabriel shocked.

Gabriel: Wait, that's him??? No way!!

Gardener: I understand your mistrust, Sir Gabriel. It's naturally for angels and archangels. God also didn't believe me when I died and tried to prove my innocence.

He kept his casual smile as Gabriel was still shocked and speechless. Lucifer just stood and watched.

Gardener: Oh, where are my manners. Why not discuss things at a cup of tea? I have a good tea spot for this.

Gabriel: Wait, tea?? In Hell?? It can't be!!

Gardener: Oh, that's okay, it's not poisoned, Sir Gabriel. Please, be my guests.

Gabriel hesitated to step in, but because of angel's politeness they entered the garden and walked to a place decorated with little carpets for sitting and small table with tea set on it. Seemed like tea was already ready and waited for guests. Good old japanese style. Gardener and Lucifer took their places while for Gabriel it took couple of minutes to take place too.

Gabriel: Umm, excuse me, but i will still not have tea.

Gardener: Oh, that's okay, it's a healing tea for old creatures like me. Helps to keep body healthy and full of stamina.

He smiled as took a sip from his cup while Lucifer kept watching the scene, waiting patiently. Gabriel was fully covered in nervous.

Gardener: Before we get to the main theme, I would like to tell you about myself. What Lord Lucifer said is true. I was judged by your God unfair, as I was an innocent, peaceful man, I didn't wish anything bad to anyone. I was an old soldier who fought for my believes and for my country. I obeyed to every order i thought was right. However, God didn't believe me, he didn't accept my actions and so I got here. If not Lord Lucifer and his fair decision, who knows in which stomach I would end up or in which punish room I would be. Even Lady Lilith, Queen of Succubi, showed mercy to me. They could mess up with my mind and do anything they want as demons. But they didn't. Because they both knew so well: punishment deserve only really bad souls. For them i was another poor soul who was judged unfair, and because of this i had no access to Heaven. And so they accepted me, not because I was just another soul for them, but as a person, who despite such decision can still live in Hell like it would be in human world or Heaven, can still find strength to live under such conditions.

Gabriel couldn't believe his ears and eyes. He was so stunned as couldn't say any word.

Gardener: I don't expect you to believe me, of course, Sir Gabriel. Even some demons still don't believe me. However, I told you this story not only to prove your wrong view on some of the demons. The situation that happened between you and Sir Michael is so similar to mine. Yes, Lord Lucifer told me about your quarrel.

Gabriel was shocked as looked at Lucifer, who was serious and nodded in agreement.

Gardener: Your brother tried to prove you that there was no force between him and Lord Lucifer, no spells, no force. Only honest confession. However, like God, you didn't want to believe him, you couldn't accept what is not right in your point of view. If Lord Lucifer didn't care about Sir Michael's feelings, he would not come here to ask for help, he would not go personally to you to talk and say the truth. I don't ask you to fully disagree with your view on demons as some of them are still bad and can do a lot of mess. I only ask you to look at this situation from your brother's perspective. Are you afraid that after such news, he will become a demon as well? Is this why you want him to reject his honest feelings and live in order to be the same Archangel like you? Was it the same reason you didn't accept the fact that Lucifer, your brother, was sent to Hell, and yet still thought about you and other brothers?

He said all of this with such calm tone that got deep into Gabriel's mind. For couple of minutes he was sitting speechless with wide eyes, looking into emptiness. Lucifer got worried for a moment, but Gardener showed a sign of things being under control.

Gardener: I don't have any intention to humiliate you or other angels.....I just don't want the same story to happen between you and brothers. And only you can fix it, taking the right dicision.

He put his hand on Gabriel's shoulder kindly, which made Gabriel flinch for a moment. Silence covered them all as they all waited for a moment of decision.

--------------

And that's another part if brothers' quarrel story^^ Now the whole new world opened to Gabriel, i wonder how will he react 0.0 What decision will he take? 0.0

Lucifer and Gabriel belong to @wildstarfan and @milasartblog (both me)

Gardener belongs to @captainthane

Okaria et Feria belongs to @wildstarfan and @captainthane

[raindrop-on-a-spiderweb]

Equilibrium

Bonus chapter centering on if Patience had the wrong man's baby.

***

There was always that small chance.

One percent out of a hundred. Fifty. Eighty. No matter how you explained the dates away. Some complex medical explanation, overlong expectancy, miscalculation.

One small chance. Needle in a haystack.

***

When the baby came out--wrapped in a caul that Wendy had to break with a scalpel--it was perfectly formed, small and weak, with a full head of black hair. Holding the small thing in her arms as it commenced the first, healthy wail of a newborn, Wendy felt something cold creep over her back.

Mr. Borghese was standing there, arms held out and a plaintive smile on his face, "Can I see her?"

Wendy was frozen, the baby dangling from her arms, and Borghese took a domineering step forward and reached for the covering it was swaddled in.

Wendy could pinpoint the moment in which he realised the child wasn't his. The hair was too dark to be the chestnut bay of its mother. His face was frozen in the warm anticipation of a father holding his child, still like a mirror image. His eyes were a bottomless swamp.

"Perhaps could I hold her?" His voice broke into her ears.

"No," said Wendy almost immediately. She clutched the baby tight. "It needs to--be weighed and checked first."

***

Today was Borghese's last speech, but he didn't show up. He made no comment as Nizzola dropped put of the race. Garland City was lost and confused.

Wendy watched it at home, listening to her son bustling around in the kitchen. Buster was a good boy, taking over the house duties without a complaint when his father died. He had high marks in school and wanted to join the Marines. She was proud of him

Watching the flustered commentary of Borghese's campaign manager, she wondered how he was feeling. She remembered the serpent look on his face as he rounded on her--if they both die, you both die--and then the dead look as he beheld the nameless child. She felt a sudden wave of fear come over her.

"Buster?"

"Yes, ma?"

"I'm going in for another shift at the hospital tonight. Keep an eye on the house and don't stay up too late."

She clocked in in the middle of the night and made her way to the baby's ward. The emptoness of the halls was familiar but strangely strangely unnerving. She went to check the baby ward.

Wendy felt an immediate prickle on the back of her neck as she approached. The ward was usually empty, save for this sole child. The lights were switched off, as they should be. As she passed, she noticed a shadowy figure standing over the one occupied crib.

Her heart went into overdrive. She hurriedly switched the light on and rushed in. Some heightened part of her wanted to attack the figure, but instead she hurried to the baby's side and swept it up. "What are you doing here so late? It's time for the baby to... to get her checkup."

She was expecting him to see right through her hurried excuse, but his eyes were far away. He stared quietly at the baby in her arms. He looked disheveled. "I just wanted to hold her."

"You can, after we--we take her blood pressure We'll bring her right back," she lied.

Wendy clutched the wailing baby to her chest, feeling the blank, penetrating gaze on her back. She felt like she was turning her back on a lion. The baby had been pressed against the pillows face-down. The babies were never put down like that. It could lead to... suffocation.

She could imagine his eyes, blue as a shattered robins egg, as he pressed the child's sleeping face into the soft, smothering pillow, his eyes showing that certain blank, and yet concentrated sanity.

It had no birth certificate. Borghese refused to sign it. If it died tonight, there would be no record. No evidence of its existence save for a young woman's body torn open in another room.

Some primal mother instinct made Wendy clutch the child tight. She stayed by its side during the whole night, performing meaningless tests and keeping it warm and fed, making sure she watched over it each and every second. She snipped off the shrivelled umbilical cord and changed its diaper and swaddled it. It became clear to her that it was a girl. Out of a fear to not let it vanish if it disappeared the next morning, she took out a birth certificate and noted a name on it, the name the girl who had given birth to it had groaned out.

Darla.

***

The next day she delivered it into the arms of its mother. The woman was young--she looked all of fourteen, and Wendy desperately hoped she wasn't. Her pale face lit up when her black-haired daughter was placed into her arms. "Here's your little girl."

"Darla," the girl whispered, holding the infant to her small breast. She really was so young, wasn't she? The baby had to nose until it found the nipples. The girl's face was relaxed in the vacant, blissful post-birth way many mothers were. Then something dawned on her.

The fear that crept over the girl's pale freckled face was slow, dead, like a shadow falling across her face. She looked down at her newborn daugher like she was looking at a dying animal nestled on her arm, then looked up at Wendy.

Her eyes were filled with tears.

"No," she said.

Wendy didn't know what to say.

The girl was shaking hard, her voice trembling like she had a gun to her head. Her eyes dripped tears of fear.

The girl wasn't speaking. Her breakdown was entirely internal. She held her daughter tight to her chest, her eyes dripping tears down her nose as her body trembled like she was bejng electrocuted.

"Do you need formula?" Asked Wendy gently. "Do you want to be alone? We can take your daughter--"

"No!" She was on the verge of screaming. "No, please, no, don't take her away--not my--no. No." She was on the verge of hysterics.

Wendy wanted to reassure her that she was safe, but she would be lying and the girl would know it. Sooner or later Borghese would come back. And after that. And after that...

Wendy did not know who she was to him. But the fact that he was the mayor, and she was a young woman who she knew nothing about, did not bode well. There was something dark lurking behind them, something she wasn't comfortable digging into for the sake of her safety and her son's.

***

"I'm a cousin," said the man.

One look and Wendy knew who he was. The pitch-black hair was one thing. The virulent, insanely PERSONAL fury behind his facade was another. The man could not hide it. His fingernails bit into the ceramic tae, his eyes black and bloodshot and livid.

For a moment she wondered whether she should send him back. But while his overwhelming, hot anger was one thing--it burned, was overwhelmingly emotional. Borghese's didn't. Borghese's anger was cold and methodical, and scared her more than anything she had ever seen.

"She's in room 42," she told the father of the child softly. The man stood up, tall and wiry and furious with a paranoid bonfire in his eyes. Wendy stood at the desk for too long, until her legs hurt, tense and waiting to hear a high scream for help.

Wendy went back and shuffled her files, ears pricked. What if the girl was being strangled to death, her face choked and blue? What if he wasn't the father at all? Wendy made up her mind, she would go back there--

Finally, she heard the click of leather shoes, a soft gait where it had previously been heavy. The black-haired man emerged from the hall, carefully cradling the small bundle of a newborn on his hands.

The change in his posture was evident. It was as if the fury, the terrifying tenseness, had been washed away. He stared down with a half-startled, half-adoring look on his face, the child wrapped securely in his arms. The baby was wiggling, not used to being away from its mother. Wendy felt a sudden pang of worry, and didn't want to let them leave. Her motherly instinct had come back full force when she saw little Darla, and she didn't want to let her out of her sight.

"She's too young. Sir, you should put her back."

The man started, then looked at her. "She'll be fine. My mother had three children--she'll know what to do. My Darla will be fine."

Against her worrying, he gently carried what had to be his daughter out of the building. Every molecule of "nurse" in Wendy's body wanted to chase him. Down, but something more cautious and dark made her hold back. Perhaps the primeval female sense that had kept young safe for hundreds of years. A sixth sense, one more informed by the innate mistrust of the blond man who everyone seemed to trust.

Wendy gave the man on Room 5 his lunch, checked his IV, and scheduled release for him tomorrow. The man in Room 31 was near death from a bullet wound, and she did a quick packing up his belongings to prepare for his passing.

She visited the girl to bring her dinner, and she was curled up on the side of her bed, arms loosely wrapped around her body. Her eyes were dry, and her eyes staring into space.

The girl didn't react to Wendy's gentle pleas for her to eat. She didn't respond at all, not a blink or a twitch. All she did was look into space, her eyes glazed and blank.

Wendy left the tray there and left for the door. In the doorway she heard a small whisper. "Please, Mrs. Ledbettter."

Wendy stopped, one hand on the side of the door.

"Please say it died," she said. "When he asks--please. Please say it died."

***

The next day the door to the hospital swung open and a well-groomed man with a million dollar smile and his blond hair slicked back came in. "Buongiorno, Mrs. Ledbetter. How have things been since I've been gone?"

He had given his delayed speech over the radio to millions of cheers. Wendy had shut it off as soon as she heard it come on the radio.

The calmness of his voice sent her mind into a peculiar spiral. She felt helpless letting him in the hospital, knowing whatever he did she could not prevent. "Mr. Borghese, I have some bad news."

His dark eyes flicked up as he jotted his name down, and his pen stilled. "Is she alright?" His voice was quiet, but his eyes fixed on her with pitch-black pupils, unwaveringly blank.

"The girl is... the baby isn't."

"Oh, dear. What happened to the poor thing?"

"Ahh, it had a... breathing problem, and it... didn't survive." Wendy thought of the frail girl in the back, and then the dark-haired man with her child in his arms. Wendy's eyes became blurry, and she blinked some tears away. Please be safe, Darla.

Leonardo was looking at her closely, and as a trickle of a tear wormed its way down her cheek, he appeared mollified. "How awful. The mother must be disconsolate."

"She's not taking it well. I'm afraid she needs to be alone, for the duration of the birth, to prevent infection. Perhaps in a few weeks--"

"Women in my country give birth and are working in the fields the next day. A woman's body is very durable." He finished and snapped the visitor's log closed. "I'm sure she'll need comfort and support during this trying time."

Wendy could do nothing but watch him pass her toward the main hall of the hospital

He paused in the doorway. "Incidentally, I don't want any interruptions. No matter what you hear. Stay out of her room until I leave."

With his last words, all she heard heard was the click of his polished shoes on the linoleum. She stared at the visitor's log book, at the loopy, calligraphic signature on the bottom of the page, then she closed the book and went into the back room and put her head in her hands, and did not get up even when a high, shrill wail began to echo through the hospital.

[exosupport]

being a non-traumagenic system, we form new headmates very very easily. the downside of this is when our brain gets many ideas for violent/aggressive/abusive people and forms a bunch at once. it gets draining, trying to deal with one violent headmate, and then another, and then three more. what do you(&) recommend we try to do to deal w/ them productively instead of our usual tactic of shoving them as far back in headspace as possible (which only makes them angrier and creates a bigger problem for the future)? some could probably be really good protectors/gatekeepers if they wanted to be

i just sent an ask asking for advice, the non-traumagen system about violent headmates. wanted to clarify that a lot of them are driven to be violent because of how their worlds were in-tl, and they refuse to accept this world works differently

Hmm I'm not exactly sure what to do in this situation but here are some things that we might try in a similar situation (we haven't exactly experienced this though so make sure these options are safe for y'all before attempting them etc.)

If while cofronting you're able to keep control on who's actually controlling the body it might be beneficial to let these headmates confront with you. At least for our system cofronting is a good way to catch someone's vibes and also to help them see your point of view because of how easily we share thoughts and emotions. (This isn't foolproof though we tried this with our former headmate and he very purposefully brought up a lot of exotrauma stuff and was largely incoherent intentionally so we would not be able to pick up on most of his real thoughts. This is NOT to say that if you try this and it winds up being confusing or unhelpful or they don't want to share their thoughts with you that they're inherently manipulative. This method is just win some lose some.)

Often when you're used to something even if it's something violent, unhealthy, or traumatizing once you don't have that thing around it becomes frustrating and you want that thing back. So it may help to microdose on that thing. Is there any way they can have violent activities that don't hurt anyone? (Nonsentient objects to destroy either irl or in headspace, violent video games or media, etc.)

On another hand it could be possible that they're struggling to feel safe. We've had situations where combative behavior was caused by mistrust/paranoia. Is there anyone they feel comfortable talking to about this kinda stuff or can you make any educated guesses on what might be causing them to feel that violence is still necessary? If it is something like this the key is to help them feel safe.

You haven't specified what kind of severity of violence they're prone to but if it's something that is non-lethal/not inherently abusive is it possible to let them recreationally battle each other somehow? As long as there's pre agreed on rules and everyone's safety is insured a consented fist fight or two or a healthy spar can be enriching for some people.

Lastly since you mentioned forcing them back into the headspace whilst I don't think you've innately done something wrong I think some of them may appreciate an apology, especially if they're already feeling unsafe since sometimes someone not wholly in the wrong apologizing anyway can be a big relief.

Hopefully this helps a little bit/g