#then i found accelerator science and detectors and nuclear physics to be so cool when i did an internship at a national lab | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

coffee-keith · 9 months ago

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Really struggling with trying to figure out what's me. Like what I enjoy and what ideas/traits/desires are actually my own. I think it's beautiful that people influence each other and grow together, but I'm left feeling lost right now and wondering what's actually me.

#idk ive been thinking about it a lot and really struggling #hard also to tell what's the depression and whats actually something i don't care about #i feel like i can say that playing world of warcraft was something that came from me.#but it started feeling like a chore in Dragonflight so i stopped playing.#and now everything feels tainted by other's influence and i dont know whats me anymore.#although i do need to remember that i did start playing Dragon Age on my own but it only feels like it was influenced by others because #i discovered my one irl friend used to love the games and then i got my other irl friend playing them #but i dont know how much of going into physics was my own choice or just following the path i saw before me #although i loved physics when i started doing mechanics in calculus and thought it was so cool #then i found accelerator science and detectors and nuclear physics to be so cool when i did an internship at a national lab #and then i took the most direct route to get into doing research at that lab #but things have gotten so lost and tangled up with all the horrible stuff that grad school puts you through #and the horrible stuff from this collaboration in particular #that it feels like all thats left is shame and fear and none of the wonder or curiosity #everything i do or write or whatever feels like an opportunity to 'get found out' as a fake or just fill me with shame #i thought that getting a job offer would fix me and help me get through the bullishit but the pressure is makikg things worse #and with this job im wondering if im just doing what im told and being influenced by other's suggestions and wants.#(dont go to grad school. its literally the worst thing you can do for your mental health)#vent #okay this actually kind of helped so im glad I made this post #feel free to reblog if you relate

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