#then i remember my social phobia and say. oh maybe later <- a lie

[sakunyas]

JOASJDFIAFJSDFS OMG YOU REMEMBER <333 new years resolutions its coming back to me, a little, iz , familiar aojofsfsfsdf

yah i have, so many blogs,,, like with this one reblog with another, or this one, idk,,

:0 TO ME YOU'RE THE COOL MUTUAL HELLO i thought your blog was super pretty and organized and everything and the content so good,,

HELP i still feel like smol blog somehow even tho im gonna reach 1k ?? whenever i do?? i dont post much genshin anymore its like a monthly thing now so my notes are. not high anymore HAHA i actually used to write for hq and epic 7 and then genshin at one point all 3 it was a mess you have a right to fear me for that i weather through all 3 of these insane fandoms

:000000000000 PLEASE I adore you and your blog like im going up for a hug rn its so snuggly and cozy

AHAH EVERYONE'S FIRST IMPRESSION OF ME IS THAT IM SERIOUS AND PROFESSIONAL its a little funny because im trying to be less serious and professional and nowadays i fear that i look like a robot uee

yes i remember me asking about what everyone had planned as their new years resolutions and you mentioned nazuna smau or something like that? it caught my attention dfgdfg i was also surprised that a "genshin blog" (omg it sounds so bad but you know what i mean) would be interested in enstars because as far as i knew it was. pretty niche. luckily i was wrong <33

i think i said this over at nyaitsu before but!! i almost ended up being a genshin blog. but i'm too traumatized and scared of the fandom to try so what i do think about, i keep it in my mind ehehe i do remember reading some of your stuff (surely childe. yes. i always read about the scrimblo) and thinking "wow. they're so cool and so pro and" yeah you get where this is going dfgdfg but omg 1k.... that is. that is a lot. like that's 1000 people that's a lot of people congrats!!

i get you on the fandom jumping part a bit too. i thought about genshin. i also thought about hypmic back when i was super into hypmic and i was looking for very specific content of my favs. mrmmm. tears of themis too.... at least 2 or 3 different otome games..... yes i think a lot but i never do a thing </3

and you ARE very professional. i think that seeing someone with a pretty theme and an aesthetic layout, who tags their stuff in a cool way and talks with a lot of people and does a lot of things-- somehow makes you think that that someone must be serious so they can deal with all of that at the same time? even when it's not the case www

now you're nazupyon's wife. rabbits protector. an actual sweetie that keeps everyone in enstarsblr (and everywhere she goes) happy and motivated and super excited. enstarsblr wouldn't be what it is now without you <3

[herestheteaig]

What should I do??

Hi, I don’t really know if anyone will see this but I'm gonna try, just incase. If you do choose to respond, you can be as brutally honest & unbiased as you’d like, I’m not easily offended.

I am f19, and have been in a relationship with m18 for almost 6 years. For the sake of his privacy lets call him Joe.

lets call me Mina.

Backstory:

- Joe & I have been together since we were 13, we went to the same secondary school & college (for Americans, same middle school & high school)

- we had been close friends since we were like 11, very visibly super close friends in school.

- when we started dating at the end of our second year, we spent the entire summer together.

- when we got back he just... pretended I didn't exist????

- like tf?

- anyway, we were still hanging out outside of school, but my school separate the year based on grades in third year, so I was placed in X and he was placed in Y, therefore we had 0 classes together

- though, in the corridors, at lunch, at break, etc, he’d pretend I didn't exist???

- he also told me not to tell anyone we were dating???

- this lasted maybe 2 years? until I got really mad and he started acknowledging me in our final year of secondary school & people knew we were dating.

- his mum ended up convincing me to apply to the same college as him, we did different courses so rarely saw each other, but occasionally took the train together on one of our mutual starting times.

- now, I go to university about 2 hours away from our hometown and live there, he doesn’t go to university at all.

the catfish:

- of course the initial: “don’t tell anyone we’re dating”

- when I was still 13, I did something SUPER childish, though no regrets and made a fake iMessage account so he’d think someone was texting him.

- I used Loren Gray’s picture because this boy had NO social medias, he was SO anti it.

- anyway, pretended I had gotten his number on Facebook, and that I had seen him at athletics (he’s an athlete) and I thought he was attractive and asked if he had a girlfriend

- then we went through this long “no I don't” “jk I do” back and forth bullshit. 

- oh he also didn't tell me about her until I said she had messaged me, but whatever idc but that's the first piece of info. 

Sabrina:

- next, I must've been 15?? idk exactly how old I am

- I do not and have NEVER cared who my boyfriend talks to, girl, boy, non-binary, whatever, I don't give a shit. 

- so I'm on his phone, taking snapchats to save to his memories and I kept seeing this girls name pop up. 

- let’s call her Sabrina.

- I had noticed he talks to her a LOT, but he never had mentioned her, but eh its whatever... probably just one of his friends, right?

- I used to just message his friends on his phone so I went onto her chat intending to be like “heyyyy bro, nice to meet you my name is Mina, do you wanna be friends?”

- but I'm seeing messages talking about: “what age would you have sex?”

- side note: he and I both lost our virginities when we were 15, later this year but at this point we had both been “handsy” down there??? 

- anyway she says “18″, he says “you know its legal at 16 tho right?

- “yeah, but still 18″

- “why not 16″

- whatever I don't remember the entire convo.

- so I was like hmm this is a bit sus and scrolled up to see their messages. 

- “do you have a girlfriend” “no” “actually yes” “im joking, no.”

- so im like wait what???

- anyway, I don't mention it for like 7 months? he denies it before saying what he said was innocent and he was just curious in a friendly way. 

- I let it go.

Kendall:

- I was probably 16 or almost 17 at this point 

- again, for privacy, we’ll call this girl Kendall.

- Kendall and I have a mutual friend, we’ll call her Tiana.

- Tiana and I were best friends.

- One day, Tiana messaged me and said hey, my friend Kendall was speaking to  Joe & realised wait isn't that Mina’s boyfriend and sent me these screenshots as soon as she realised.

- I had probably seen her name in his recent chats but didn't care enough to ask about it.

- anyway, the screenshots were just him being super flirty with emojis? like sounds childish but you know what I mean.

- and he was joking about “go to bed its past your bed time” and she was like “no why are you chatting, you’re up too”

- then. THEN. THIS BOI HAS THE AUDACITY.

- “shush and listen to your daddy”

- wHAT.

- I immediately confront him and he denies knowing anyone of that name at first, before saying oh I didn't mean it like that, it was like a mum/ dad joke we have

- so again, I let it go

Adrien:

- back in school, my maths teacher sent myself and this boy to the study area which is an open space in the school, visible from all levels.

- lets call him Adrien.

- note: adrien and I were both quite smart and in top set for most classes, our surnames are next to eachother on the register so were often seated beside each other. 

- we were very very close FRIENDS

- so we’re doing work, chatting a bit- whatever

- at some point, he jokingly pushes my head away, idk what I said, I do not remember. 

- note: the entire school is IN CLASS.

- a few seconds later, I feel my phone vibrate, sneak it out of my pocket to see a text from Joe: “why is Adrien touching your face?”

- I look around and no ones there, anyway he still gets mad about it now.

Other stuff:

- he used to threaten to kill himself if i broke up with him

- or if we were arguing he’d say he can do this anymore, imply suicide, the leave his phone for ages and get super mad if I contacted his sister or mum to find out if he was safe.

- sometimes i’d see him joking around on his sisters snapchat story when I'm panicking because he said he’d kill himself.

- I'm not materialistic, but the fact that he rarely would get me bday/xmas presents was kinda upsetting. (he has a lot of money, my family is broke but I make the BIGGEST deal out of xmas and his bday and everything)

- would work extra hours so he’d feel so so spoiled on xmas and his bday. 

- once he got me just a xmas themed toilet roll on Christmas, last year he gave me a small jar of vegan candies.

- I think he acknowledged valentines day twice in our relationship? 

- which was sad because pre-relationship, valentines was my fave day of the year & I'd hand out heart shaped chocolates to everyone at school.

- often blames his mental health on me.

- will cut me off and then act like I'm the one not listening to HIS problems. 

- if another guy has a crush on ME, then he gets mad at me?

- every boy in my college class admitted to having a crush on me at some point, awkward but my course was reliant on group projects so I couldn't just block them??? they all knew I had a bf

Extra:

- I have never orgasmed ONCE in my entire life... rip

- when I say he is ACTUALLY jealous, I mean like ACTUALLY jealous of me having a crush on like... cartoon characters?? (& also anime characters)

- has said sexist and transphobic things, that I DRAGGED him for.

- I think he's very manipulative and also immature. 

- hates that I'm smart

- HATES that my love language is acts of service. like HATES it.

- there's more but I won't bore you.

mini story:

- we went to Paris for my 18th birthday. 

- he tried to break up with me right before because “he feels like shit compared to other guys”

- I was crying down the phone (I never ever cry) begging him to reconsider

- we went to Paris, it was nice. 

- note: we also had sex there

- and then we get back and he says: “I hated you the entire time” and other stuff but I don't remember

this is according to him:

- I think I'm right all the time and think im little miss perfect

- I put in no effort

- I do not listen

- I just need to realise that all my male friends are only my friends because they want to fuck me.

- I do not care about anything

- I assume things 

- I compare him to other guys????

- I make him feel like shit 

(his words, though I disagree)

- we have been in a relationship for almost 6 years

- he’s my friend

- I love his family so much, I've watched his nephew grow up and I text his sister and I just love them.

- though he isn’t my type on paper, I do find him attractive 

- we have somewhat similar kinks

- my family seem to like him

- not gonna lie, we’d make cute babies.

- we both enjoy sports and also he sometimes plays video games with me (I'm an avid gamer, I twitch stream and play PC, PS4 & Switch, he sometimes will play fortnite or Mario kart with me)

- we have this cute cheerleader/ athlete thing which I like

- oh, right, pls don't judge this but its important to me to raise my children plant-based until they're old enough to decide for themselves- he isn't plant-based but is 100% onboard which is very important to me.

- has done cute things for me before like turn up at my house with my fave candy or buy an extra pack of gum/ drink for me.

- this sounds irrelevant, but I DO love to party/rave but I do not drink alcohol, I actually have a weird phobia of it, though I would 100% get high

- Joe and I both do not drink and although that's not something id look for in a s/o, it made me feel like I wasn't the only one lmao. 

- my first & only relationship

ANWYAY, we’ve been arguing for months, if you see this what do you think I should do? would it be overreacting to break up? I would still wanna be his friend because I care but I dunno what to do

[doomandgloomfromthetomb]

Feist Interview, 2005

Another Sunday interview! This was kinda pre-fame Leslie Feist -- as you’ll see, I think I mainly knew her from guest spots ... of course, pretty soon, she was much bigger than all of her collaborators.

Canadian singer/songwriter Leslie Feist, fresh off guest appearances on records by such disparate artists as Peaches, Kings of Convenience, and Broken Social Scene, finally steps into the limelight with her solo album Let It Die. Actually, the album is fairly old by now -- it's already gone gold in France! But it's just now getting a stateside release courtesy of Cherry Tree and Interscope Records.

It's about time. The album, recorded in collaboration with the artist known only as Gonzales, is a close-to-perfect collection that highlights the seductive beauty of Feist's vocals, as well as her burgeoning songwriting talent. While on a tour stop in Atlanta, she answered some of Junkmedia's questions.

I was able to see you opening for the Kings of Convenience about a month ago in Boulder, Colorado. I wanted to ask you about that show since before you came on Erlend Oye came on and told the crowd that you were barely able to stand up, but you were going to play anyway. What was going on?

Wow, that was actually a great night. It was the strangest thing - about an hour before I was supposed to go on, I started feeling awful. I could barely move and felt like I might vomit. Everyone backstage was saying you need to lie down, don't go on. But I said if I lie down I'm going to feel worse! So I crawled onstage and attempted to play. But the audience was super quiet and I could sing at about a quarter of my usual volume -- thereby discovering a whole new way of performing! I said afterwards "Why can't it be like this every night?" Not getting sick, of course, but that kind of performing. I was just tip-toeing a little more delicately and was freed from the more normal stuff I'd been doing. It was great.

How did you hook up with the Kings of Convenience in the first place?

I met Erlend at a festival when I was touring in Europe with Gonzales. It was Erlend doing this DJ set that was way different from what he does with the Kings. So it was 4 in the morning and he and I started kind of shouting at each other over this really loud abrasive DJ set. He said, "Oh I have this other band where we play this quiet guitar music" and I said "Oh yeah, I play this quiet kind of music too." I'm not sure what he thought at first -- with Gonzales we were doing this prankster/vaudeville act. I don't know if he believed me or if he thought I was just Gonzales' weird sidekick.

But I gave him a tape with some of my four-track demos on it. At the time, I had never even heard of the Kings of Convenience. But a little while later I started getting e-mails from a bunch of people who had heard the tape. And it turned out that Erlend and Eirik had started burning CDs of the demos for people all over the place -- all of their friends basically. Which was great, I really appreciated it. And then finally, I went out and bought Quiet is the New Loudand I was just amazed -- I realized that these guys were really masters. So it all came out of this sort of mutual admiration thing.

How did you end up singing on their last album [Riot On an Empty Street]?

A few years later, we were playing a gig in the back of this Chinese restaurant, and when we were done we asked if anybody had anything to play. And of course, Erlend jumps onstage with Eirik and they play "Cayman Islands", and I couldn't fucking believe it. This was before that song was on any record. So then afterwards, over our noodles, we were staring at the floor and kicking the carpet and then finally someone said, "Maybe one day we should do some recording together."

What were the sessions for that album like? How do you approach the collaborative process?

It was a different experience. I'm kind of a solitary writer. When I'm writing, I'm in a room with the door locked. I mean that as an analogy, not an actual thing. But it sort of happens when it happens. There'll be one idea and I'll throw it together with another idea and three weeks later I'll remember the whole thing. But with collaborating -- it's sort of like kissing someone for the first time. If you put a lot of pressure on it, if you think too much about it, it'll be a terrible experience. If you just let it happen, you know, it'll be a really nice kiss. On the Kings record, they invited me over to the studio and played me something like nine tracks that they had already recorded and just asked if there was anything I thought I could add. And a lot of the stuff I just said, this is fine the way it is. A lot the process was us buying a bag of oranges and sitting around eating them and trying things out on the songs.

I don't mean to just talk about your contributions to other people's records - since obviously you've got your own album out. Of course it took a while for Let It Die to be released in the States. How old is this record for you now?

It's been almost two years since those recording sessions. Some of the songs have maintained their altitude, while others, I'm wondering why I ever recorded them. But that's sort of the whole point of recording -- it's a snapshot of a certain time. And that's what makes playing live so great - you can recreate the songs in a live setting and change the things you might not like anymore.

Did you have an overall vision for the record when you were making it?

The truth is that we didn't know we were making a record, at the time. We'd been on tour and Gonzo started lifting some of the melodies from my four track recordings and putting them onto the piano. Playing the melodies on piano makes them naked - they become stripped down and they don't speak of any genre. So him doing that opened the door to some other ideas and we just started to re-record some of the demos. We just went song by song. Actually we started by recording some of the covers -- it was like the lab door had been opened, so let's see what we can do. My own songs were 99 percent done, but they just weren't quite finished. "Gatekeeper" was already written and everything -- I had the melody and most of the lyrics -- but I couldn't quite figure out how to put the chords around it. But Gonzo put it onto the piano and that led us back to the guitar and we were able to go from there.

You cover a pretty wide range of styles on the record. Were you trying to make a really diverse album?

Some melodies will come to you and it already has the lyrics, the story or the mood in them. They'll just sound dark or happy or sad and then it'll lead you to the right genre leanings. Some melodies just go in one direction. So you have to try to wrap the instruments around the song and try to give it life.

How did you select the cover versions that appear on the record?

I had just gotten over my phobia of singing other people's songs. So Gonzo and I figured -- why not? It wasn't a big deal. There's just something about leaning on a piano in a Paris studio that makes you want to sing other people's songs. And when it came time to put together the album, we had 20 songs to choose from and by then it didn't matter which ones I had written and which ones I hadn't. It wasn't an issue anymore - we put on the songs that seemed to belong together. I don't think I'll do any covers on my next album though. Though I may do something that's sort of traditionally based like "When I Was A Young Girl." I like doing those songs, because otherwise they don't survive. Those songs occupied the same place that people's CD players occupy today. So it's nice to keep them alive.

Do you have plans to head back into the studio for a follow up anytime soon?

It's all written -- or at least I have 20 embryos of songs waiting to be recorded. They aren't completely finished. They've been tucked in a box in my head for the last two years. So I'm going to start recording this fall hopefully.

[lothrilzul]

4, 6, 10, 13, 14, 18, 24 and 28! :3

Thanks for asking! Winter, if you want to learn about Max, Danger, Crystal or Nate Woods (the protagonist of my not-yet-published AU!story), do so! ^^

This goin’ to be a novel.

4. Are they introverted or extroverted?

I’d say she’s balanced, has some introvert aspects and extroverts traits as well. On one hand, she likes to think everything through, most time til the point it hurts, she has no problem with being alone, likes to read (though good books are hard to come by nowadays), tends to avoid crowds and sat on the end of the bench on the subway before the war. On the other hand, she has no problem with starting a conversation with someone, is open-minded about a lots of things, accepts drinks and often asks people to dance with her.

6. Describe their most fond pre-war memory

This is hard. I don’t even know my own most fond memory. Maybe it was the moment when she realized she loved Nate, but I haven’t worked that one out in detail yet. Another fond memory is her last dance with Roger, the man she loved before Nate, on her wedding day (to the latter one).

10. What is their weapon of choice?

As of Chapter 8, her first choice is a Sniper Rifle which covers a long distance AND deadly at the same time, and has a buff 10mm Pistol for close range if things get serious. For big game she always carries a Gauss Rifle, but it could use some more modding to be more lethal.

Later she will change her ballistic rifle to ‘Righteous Authority’. That gun is a game changer.

13. What kind of situations are they likely to avoid?

Combat in general, especially being surrounded by enemies. She’s super wary of Super Mutant Suiciders and Behemoths, Sentry Bots and Assaultrons, and lately Mirelurk Queens. She was lucky to avoid running into a Queen for 7 long months.

Social skill wise, she doesn’t like to involve herself in disputes between sides she doesn’t care about. She doesn’t like to start disputes either, but she protects her friends.

14. Do they have any fears or phobias?

She fears quite some things; that she won’t find Shaun, that those Institute bastards hurt him and that he won’t want to reunite with her (last thing she knows is that he’s about 10 year old, he probably doesn’t even remember her).

She also has a little voice, urging her not to make friends, as the wasteland will claim them sooner or later.

She can’t swim, so she tends to avoid large bodies of water. Has no problem with heights though.

18. Did they find romance in the commonwealth? Who are they with?

Winter’s yet to find (out that she already met) the guy who will steal her heart.

Those who read the AO3 tags or Winter Wonderland already know the answer. Who am I kidding? Of course it’s Danse.

24. What are their insecurities?

Winter isn’t aware that she’s pretty; feels the other way. With her vitiligo spreading, her hair all graying and having a c-sec scar (though it only concerned Nate yet, who assured her it’s healing nicely and not a big deal) she believes her dating days are good as over.

28. How do they cheer themselves up, or how would other characters cheer them up?

A nice cold Nuka-Scotch makes every night more pleasant.

She’s ticklish and Mac knows that. Lucky for her, he is too. When regular tickling doesn’t work, there’s still alcohol.

Nick would tell her something pre-war related or would simply start to list the good deeds she did since she emerged from the vault.

Deacon would commend her efforts and skill-set and would tell a big obvious lie to cheer her up or would simply go saying that they were in trouble without her.

Preston would offer her a drink, whiskey is possible or a Nuka or a shoulder to cry on. Even after being friendzoned he tries his best to supportive, but he accepts she doesn’t looking for him.

Codsworth might tell a story of the good Sir, most likely a hilarious or sentimental one.

Simple being with and listening to Curie (still a Miss Nanny) talk just about anything lifts her mood.

Piper would try the same as Nicl and would offer a box of Snack Cakes.

She would kill X6-88 on sight, seeing him dead would make her feel happy after seeing him teleporting to Institute with Shaun. This might change later, but I doubt it.

Oh wait it wasn’t about companions?

Nate would whisper something he admires about her to her ear, followed by a neck kiss.

[dinosaursindisarray]

I haven’t posted anything recently, partially because I was a little overwhelmed by simultaneously the best and worst week two weeks ago, and also because I got transferred from the short-term care team to a long term one.

TW/CW: hospital mention, self harm mention, cuts mention, scars mention, flashback mention, trauma mention, school mention, depersonalization, suicidal ideation, mother mention, nephew mention, negative thoughts, false thinking.

After being in the hospital, I was referred to a couple of programs that were supposed to help me - two of my diagnosis's on the discharge papers were ‘Family problems’ and ‘Financial problems’. I had no idea what to expect or what I was going to be offered. I vaguely remember having a social worker before, during my teen years, but only because she shared the name of my sister. I don’t remember anything she did, but I feel like I didn’t see her very often.

So when the team I was referred to said that I’d be going into a short-term program, as they didn’t want me to have to wait for the long term one in order to receive care, it felt kind of nice. Like, oh, someone wants to help. And, weeks ago, the first meeting with the woman from the short-term care team, W, went really well! She was really kind, and despite me dissociating, I was able to explain things fairly well and go through with the meeting.

W listened to what was wrong with my life and offered solutions, everything from housing, education, income, even cooking classes and a way to get discounted bus fare. It was unbelievable, I was ecstatic! Where had all these things been all these years I’d needed them? All these years I’d been stuck? I left the meeting with paperwork to fill out and the beginning of hope.

The next meeting was a week or so later. I went to sit with W and try and fill out the form for housing, and plan some things. During it, a child began co-fronting, and I kept slipping in and out, coming back to my chest being tight and tears in my eyes and on my cheeks, forgetting where I was, a small, panicked voice in my head. W didn’t seem to notice; when I grounded myself enough, we began talking about plans for her to go with me to apply for SSI and what sort of support I’d need. She asked about triggers, I think, asked what had caused me to go into the hospital before.

I tried to explain that flashbacks had lead to switching, which had lead to a child alter harming the body in a warped survival method, but I didn’t get past mentioning the child alter. She rejected it, somehow, saying that she didn’t want to hear about alters or anything like that, she just wanted to know what happened with me. I tried again to explain that it wasn’t me - I lost an entire week of time before it came to that flashback and switch, and I had no control over it. She didn’t listen, cutting me off and insisting that ‘So, you hurt yourself?’

Confused and still dissociated, I agreed. I woke up with more parts of my life gone and dozens of injuries that scarred on my body that I had no say in, but sure, I ‘hurt myself’. She went on to say something about well, her job was to make sure that didn’t happen again, so that if I felt bad while we were out, I needed to let her know. I tried one last time to explain that it doesn’t work like that, but she didn’t listen then either. Looking back, every time I tried to bring up DID or alters, she refused to listen, not wanting to hear anything about it - how to help me, how to handle it, nothing. She gave me a paper that was an outline of my ‘treatment’ with her and that team, and under my ‘problems’ she’d typed “Disassociate Identity Disorder.”

I pointed that not only was the terminology incorrect, but that it was also misspelled, and she laughed, chiding me not to judge her spelling mistakes. Looking back, it really feels like she didn’t care about what was actually wrong with me. Maybe it wasn’t allowed for her to actually say that she didn’t believe in DID, but that’s the message that came across. I didn’t realize it at the time, because I was so enamored with the idea of someone actually wanting to help me and maybe even being able to.

There was only one meeting after that, and if was very short. I was supposed to bring in some documents that she’d told me to bring the last meeting. Because of the child rapid switching with me before, I’d only remembered her telling me to bring one thing, forgetting the other 4 that were needed. I left, after we made plans to go to social security later that week, and I had her write down what things I would need for that.

At home, I went through a few huge stacks of files that dated back to pre-preschool, in order to try and get a timeline of treatment that W wanted for social security. I found report cards from kindergarten, state test reports, old exams, hospitalization records, medical records... I sorted through all of it, despite how it destabilized me. Too many reminders of childhood, and of school; several previously dormant alters began fronting as I obsessed over the little bits of trauma I had accidentally recalled from school, all of it painting a worse picture than I’d thought. I got the paperwork I needed though, so that W could take me to social security.

The day came and I called her office in the morning, because she was supposed to come pick me up and I wanted to make sure she came to the right place. The person in the office told me that she wasn’t in, she wasn’t supposed to work that day. I had her cell phone and called, asked her about our meeting. ‘Was that today?’ She asked. I answered yes, and she apologized, saying that we’d do it next week instead.

Already for this meeting, she hadn’t been clear about what the time meant; was it when she was going to pick me up, or when we were going to go to SS? And now all I had was ‘next week’. Did that mean a week from that day? Any day next week? What time? Would she call me and let me know? Would I have to call her again? Considering I have severe anxiety about talking on the phone and also missing appointments, the whole things was unnecessarily stressful.

The next week, 6 days later, she called me and said that I’d been accepted into the long term care group and was being transferred over to them. She said that they were trying to get ahold of me and couldn’t, and after a lot of nonsense in which I got the wrong number, then the right number, called and got no answer, and finally called W back, I asked if there was any way she could just set up the meeting between me and the new group. She said yes, and I asked if she would be there too, as she said that she would during our first meeting and she’d made it clear that I’d be transferred eventually. She said yes.

She didn’t show up.

My meeting with the new group went even better than the meeting with W. I was horrifically anxious at first, but after signing about 30 papers, I sat down in a meeting room with 3 other people. J, who was the leader of my new care group, L, who was part of the team that advocated for me that I was referred to from the hospital that made it so I got this care group, and another member of the care group.

After everyone introduced themselves, J asked me about myself and why I was there; they let me talk, and everyone took notes. I explained my troubles, what brought me to the hospital, that I had DID, and a brief history of my mental health issues. The whole time, they paid attention to me and didn’t interrupt or rush me at all; I actually felt fairly comfortable talking. I explained what I need - a different living situation, income, education, support, etc. I explained my social phobia, agoraphobia, difficulties and problems very briefly.

J explained the care team - it’s 10 people, each of which I’ll interact with, and each of which specialize in different things. J is the leader of the team, and all of them are there to help me. She said that they’d be meeting with me 3 times a week, and I thought I’d misheard. 3 time a week?? Not like, every month? Not, they check in on me every so often to make sure I’m not dead, and they’re there for me to call if I need to, like a suicide helpline, but when I call I’m made to feel like they’re already overworked and stretched thin and I lie to them to stop feeling bad about bothering them until I eventually just slip through the cracks? That’s what I was expecting, or, at best, something like with W.

J said that, well, for me, giving my social anxiety and things, they’d introduce the team to me little by little, so I could adjust without getting overwhelmed. I’d be able to form a relationship with 1 or 2 of them at a time before meeting someone new. And, she said, they’d probably start with less than 3 times a week and ease into it for me for the same reason. It was honestly so considerate to me as an individual that I cried in the car on the way home. I cried at home. They were actually tailoring this program to try and fit me better, fit my needs better?

And that’s not the only reason I cried. J let me ask questions, as many as I wanted, made sure I had time to. I asked what all of them knew about DID, and how much I was supposed to share or not share. I was thinking of W, honestly, because it wasn’t until writing this that I thought that it wasn’t just how things worked, rather than her just being against DID or something. J said that this group had been chosen for my case, and that she’d known about it for a few months, even if he hadn’t known my name yet. It had been heavily talked about who would get my case so that I got the best people to help, and J was the best for it. She said that she’d done some research into DID, but that it was going to be working with me and my therapist, learning from me, and building a relationship, that would help her learn more.

L said that someone else had actually been assigned my file, but that she had volunteered for it, because she’d worked with clients with DID before. She had a few years of experience and wanted to help. It felt good to know that I wasn’t just constantly dumped on people. J made an appointment with me to come to my house a week later on Friday, in order to get to know e better and find out more about my alters, triggers, trauma, and things like that.

I left feeling exuberant and excited; the weekend was actually hard, because I had nothing to do during the next three days. I decided to make up a more detailed alter list than the one I have on the system page, listing what triggers I know for everyone and more about their personalities, as well as signs that they’re out. That helped, helped me feel productive, but it was hard to think; I didn’t know how to handle good news. I kept waiting for it to turn sour or explode, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess I’m just really really used to disappointment and broken promises - aftereffect of trauma.

Therapy helped me get through the week as well, and then it was Friday, last Friday. J was supposed to get there at 12:30; I was ready early, and called her to try and double check things. No answer, but I left a message, then spent some time trying to figure out how to use the printer to print out the document I’d written up. Most of the cats were corralled back into a bedroom, and my mom left me in the living room.

12:30 came and went. Around 1pm, I wondered if I’d gotten the time wrong and she’d be there at 1:30 instead; I texted her, remembering her saying at the meeting that her number was call or text, 24/7. At 1:30, I tried calling her again. At 2, she texted back, asking who I was, and I said who I was and that we’d had a meeting. At 2:50, I texted again, asking her to call me, and at 3:30, I tried calling her again. 

This time, she answered, and I said who I was and that we’d been supposed to meet at 12:30. She said that she was sorry, she’d been at the hospital with emergencies all day; she was about 15 minutes away from her office, could she call me back when she got there? I said yes, of course, and thanked her, and hung up.

She never called. I sat in the same spot for 5 hours, blendy and weird and dissociated. I know I was there at some points, but I don’t know who else was. A child discovered a new online game and almost everyone around got really into it. There was too many emotions though, and everything stayed staticky and numb and distorted, to the point we didn’t know if the reactions we were having to various things were warranted or if they were skewed perceptions.

To top things off, my nephew came over for the night. My mom was supposed to watch him, but asked if it’d be fine if I watched him for an hour once they got here, as he’d been talking about me nonstop and also she was tired and needed a break. The mishmash of people out agreed, and an hour an a half passed before she came out again; she didn’t take over though, she went right back to her room and we were left with the nephew the rest of the night, until we got her to put him to bed finally. Like. That’s the same kind of broken promises, let down, betrayal, disappointments, etc that we’re used to. It just kinda happens everywhere it seems. We got the closest we’ve been to feeling suicidal in a long time.

It feels really stupid to get upset over not having the meeting when there was an emergency. J couldn’t help that. She probably didn’t think to call or text me because she was busy helping someone. She probably forgot to call me back when she got to the office because I’m new or something, slipped through the cracks. I shouldn’t have called her at all, programs like this are for other people that really need it, not people like me that are just bothersome. She didn’t call today because she’s still busy; I’m not her only client that she helps and I need to not be selfish.

It still hurts though. Like, it feels like the other shoe fell. I’m hoping not, but, as corny as it sounds, hoping is really hard after a while.

[omar-199x-blog]

first and last time ill post about myself (maybe)

* 1: name omar * 2: Age 19 * 3: Fears oblivion * 4: 3 things I love Food, Art, my girl * 5: turn ons my girl * 6: turn offs everyone else * 7: My best friend savannah then james 2nd just cause he knows me well * 8: Sexual orientation i am a male. penis and all. * 9: My best first date dont remember * 10: How tall am I 5'7 ish lol * 11: What do I miss the way holidays use to feel * 12: What time were I born an inconvenient one * 13: Favourite color lol black, red, grey * 14: Do I have a crush no i have a gf * 15: Favourite quote you get what you give * 16: Favourite place i hate crowds lol but i love the city especially during arts festivals * 17: Favourite food anything home made, steak and seafood are both at the top * 18: Do I use sarcasm when im using english * 19: What am I listening to right now Migos * 20: First thing I notice in new person how much they talk and what about * 21: Shoe size 10.5 US * 22: Eye color brown * 23: Hair color black * 24: Favourite style of clothing ummm... shit if its black, fits loose and is casual enough for hang outs but also stylish for dinner dates, you set * 25: Ever done a prank call? once and the cops came saying it wasnt funny * 27: Meaning behind my URL its my name and i was born in the 90's *shrug* * 28: Favourite movie i love all kinds of movie its hard to pick a favorite * 29: Favourite song gold steps / Neck Deep * 30: Favourite band BMTH/NeckDeep/Deftones * 31: How I feel right now annoyed as always * 32: Someone I love savannah marie * 33: My current relationship status almost a years worth of lovin * 34: My relationship with my parents all up in my life * 35: Favourite holiday christmas/thanksgiving * 36: Tattoos and piercing i have none and none but coming soon * 37: Tattoos and piercing i want a thigh piece that'll be across both a chest piece of the quote i put up there ears and nose but my girl dont like the idea of my nose * 38: The reason I joined Tumblr it was cool in 2013 * 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? lol kat is a bitch for leading me on into a relationship i thought she was actually gonna dedicate to * 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? texts and phone calls from my gf * 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? all the time * 42: When did I last hold hands? last time i saw savannah * 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? depends on where im headed to * 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? not in the past 19 years * 45: Where am I right now? on bluemound omw to work * 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? savannah we usual go out together * 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? loud unless we chillin and talkin * 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? about to be neither in like a week but my dad * 49: Am I excited for anything? moving out, tattoos, painting, cooking, working out * 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? savannah * 51: How often do I wear a fake smile? ehh if im mad u can tell * 52: When was the last time I hugged someone? told my grandparents bye while leaving for work * 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? id go crazy and probably kill both of them * 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? lol yeah cause he dont keep secrets well * 55: What is something I disliked about today? i didn't see sav * 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? André3000, Big Boy, Johnny Depp, Lenny Kravitz, and Post Malone lol ;Posty because he from round my city so we could vibe easily * 57: What do I think about most? life and how im failing or acing it * 58: What’s my strangest talent? it wouldnt be strange to me so idk * 59: Do I have any strange phobias? fuck caterpillars, fuck slugs, and snails whatever phobia that is * 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? haha both but im usually behind it * 61: What was the last lie I told? im not hungry * 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? otp cause idk what to do with my face on facetime * 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes and yes theres greater and more advanced beings than us and also souls dude they can choose to stay or go so like duh * 64: Do I believe in magic? yeah * 65: Do I believe in luck? ya * 66: What’s the weather like right now? breezy i work outside so perfect * 67: What was the last book I’ve read? i start books and halfway start another * 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? FCUJ YES lol idk why its like dude i should be getting high of this smell but its not making me high wtf * 69: Do I have any nicknames? omii (oh-me) , catfish , choncho * 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? broke my arm, nose, and ankle * 71: Do I spend money or save it? both when needed * 72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no * 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? what? no * 74: Favourite animal? red pandas * 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? at work * 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? sama * 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? hey ya / outkast * 78: How can you win my heart? being sav * 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? "See ya later losers" * 80: What is my favorite word? trudge * 81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr um idk their specific url's but i follow a graffiti one, a music one, a painting one, and some others similar to these * 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? stop with all the hate man, if someone isn't harming you or effecting your life specifically let them be. let people do what they want to do and dont harm. thats it. * 83: Do I have any relatives in jail? did, he passed away. * 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? teleportation * 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? if im hungry because its a yes 100% of the time * 86: What is my current desktop picture? my uncle who passed away * 87: Had sex? ya * 88: Bought condoms? ya * 89: Gotten pregnant? not possible * 90: Failed a class? ya * 91: Kissed a boy? no * 92: Kissed a girl? ya * 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? ya * 94: Had job? ya * 95: Left the house without my wallet? yes * 96: Bullied someone on the internet? lol ya * 97: Had sex in public? no * 98: Played on a sports team? ya * 99: Smoked weed? ya * 100: Did drugs? ig * 101: Smoked cigarettes? yea * 102: Drank alcohol? yerp * 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? nah nah i love steak * 104: Been overweight? still am * 105: Been underweight? yea * 106: Been to a wedding? yes * 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? i guess maybe * 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? yea * 109: Been outside my home country? yes * 110: Gotten my heart broken? i suppose * 111: Been to a professional sports game? yes * 112: Broken a bone? a couple * 113: Cut myself? by accident * 114: Been to prom? yea * 115: Been in airplane? yes * 116: Fly by helicopter? nah * 117: What concerts have I been to? Kevin Gates, Big Sean, Jeremih, Carnage, RaeSremmurd, Post Malone, Russ, Future, J Cole * 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? hella nah * 119: Learned another language? spanish * 120: Wore make up? for theater * 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? yes * 122: Had oral sex? yes * 123: Dyed my hair? no * 124: Voted in a presidential election? no * 125: Rode in an ambulance? recently * 126: Had a surgery? yes * 127: Met someone famous? yes * 128: Stalked someone on a social network? no * 129: Peed outside? yes * 130: Been fishing? many times * 131: Helped with charity? yea * 132: Been rejected by a crush? dont think so * 133: Broken a mirror? no * 134: What do I want for birthday? an apartment * 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? 4 - 2 boys first 1girl then another boy i only know my first sons name will be Aiden * 136: Was I named after anyone? no * 137: Do I like my handwriting? hell nah * 138: What was my favourite toy as a child? headphones * 139: Favourite Tv Show? shameless, Friends, family guy * 140: Where do I want to live when older? on my own * 141: Play any musical instrument? no * 142: One of my scars, how did I get it? forearm surgery 2 plates 11 screws * 143: Favourite pizza toping? pepperoni * 144: Am I afraid of the dark? sometimes * 145: Am I afraid of heights? no * 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? yes plenty * 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? eh life * 148: What I’m really bad at life * 149: What my greatest achievments are finding my gf * 150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: idk * 151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery get tf outta here and go be alone * 152: What do I like about myself theres only one me * 153: My closest Tumblr friend none * 154: Something I fantasise about eat food from around the world * 155: Any question you’d like how was my day? eh i woke up at 2pm and haven't had any food yet so im pretty grumpy