#there are at least two series I can think of where this is. GRIEVOUS oversight

[ellynneversweet]

Werewolf stories set in locations where astronauts are a thing don’t go into the whole thing nearly enough. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a werewolf story in which this is even touched on.

[scapegrace74-blog]

Gratitude

A/N  When we last saw Jamie and Claire, they’d crashed, burned (somewhat literally) and declared their mutual interest in each other in their individual ways.   Whither now, our pair?

All other parts of the Metric Universe are available on my AO3 page.

The song by Big Red Machine (another guest artist!) that inspired the title is here.

June 1, 2018, Costa Coffee, Whitechapel, London, England

“It feels like ye might be avoiding me, Sassenach.”

It occurred to her that Jamie knew her schedule and habits to an uncomfortable degree for him to be at her favourite coffee shop at exactly the point in her shift when she could no longer resist the siren call of caffeine.

Since the fire in their building and Jamie’s subsequent profession of love, they’d been living under separate roofs.  Claire was sleeping on the couch at the home of one of her fellow medical students, and Jamie was bunking down with his uncle.  Their flat had escaped the flames, suffering only smoke damage, but it would be at least eight weeks before the building was declared structurally sound and they could move back in.

Heading to the counter, Claire purchased her usual extra-large oat milk cortado with a fruited teacake, then added a flat black with raw sugar for Jamie.  Settling across from him, she slid his coffee across the tiny table before splitting her teacake and balancing half on his saucer.  He nodded his thanks, but was otherwise silent, waiting her out.

“I don’t know how to do this,” she began, surprising them both with the frankness of her opening salvo.  It helped, she found, to be paying undue attention to stirring her coffee as she spoke.

“That doesna sound like ye, mo nighean donn.   Why don’t ye tell me what part is vexin’ ye, an’ we can see if we canna bash our brains t’gether til we come up wi’ a plan, aye?”

She knew what he was doing.  Cleverly depersonalizing their situation so that she could approach it like any other problem.  Part of her resented his easy manipulation, grounded as it was in how well he knew her.  But there was a secret part of her that thrilled at the emotional intimacy.  To be seen, truly seen, in all her messy complexity, was a novel experience.  Jamie knew the architecture of her heart, all its dark corners and blind hallways.  He must have recognized something worthy, to be willing to so patiently coax her away from her solitude.

Plus, she’d spent the last year training him to leave the toilet seat down.  That wasn’t the sort of work you just walked away from.

“It’s... god, where do I start?  It’s having no idea what it means to be in a healthy adult relationship.  And the crippling fear that if I fuck this up, it’ll ruin our friendship, which is so important to me, Jamie.  I don’t think you have any idea...  Plus our living situation...”

“We arenna livin’ t’gether for the moment, Sassenach,” Jamie interrupted.  He had leaned forward across the table as she stammered through her recitation, and his curls had flopped across his brow in that boyish way they had.  Her chest tightened, torn between affection and blind terror.

“No.  That’s true.”

“With yer permission, I’d like tae make a suggestion.”  At her cautious nod, Jamie continued.  “For the next two months, we willna be roommates.  I’d like tae... court ye...”

“Court me?!” Claire blurted out.  “What, like in a Jane Austen novel?”  She couldn’t help but smile at Jamie as he blushed, but he continued undeterred.

“Aye, like that.  Ye’re used tae havin’ all the answers, Sassenach, but this isna one of yer wee tests tha’ ye can study for.  We’re gonna have tae wing it, and see where it takes us.  But I promise ye, I willna play ye false and I willna walk away.  Will ye at least give this thing between us a chance?  If it doesna work, we can go back tae livin’ t’gether as friends, no questions asked.”

At some point during his speech, their hands had met across the table.  She could feel Jamie’s trembling through his fingertips.  He was scared too, but he was being brave because he felt it was worth the risk.  How could she dare to do otherwise?

“Alright,” she conceded, and his smile warmed her face like sunshine.  “What do you propose, then?  Shall I don my best parlour gown and set out the petit fours, Master Fraser?”

“Och, I dinna mean tae be makin’ me call me master quite yet, Sassenach,” he teased, delighting in her blush.  “I’ll be at yer door t’morrow.  Three sharp.  Wear somethin’ comfortable an’ bring a jumper for after dark.”

Finishing his teacake in three large bites, Jamie hopped up from his seat and brushed the crumbs from his jeans.  With a mischievous grin and a cock-eyed wink, he raised her hand to his mouth and kissed her knuckles.

“Until tomorrow then, milady.”

Jesus Christ, what had she just done?

***

To her relief, Jamie showed up at Joe’s front door in his usual jeans and Henley, not a frock coat and jodhpurs  He wasn’t even carrying flowers.  Joe tried to buttonhole him with talk of the previous night’s football match, but after a few minutes of polite chitchat Jamie ushered Claire out the door, joking that he’d have her home before curfew.

She wasn’t quite sure what to make of his behaviour.  The Jamie she knew had always been charming, when he wasn’t busy putting his foot in his mouth.  Now she marveled at his apparent ease as they descended the steps into the Tube.

Heading west on the District Line, thoughts continued to assail her.  Was he always this self-confident on a date?  How often did he go out with other women, anyway?  She’d assumed she knew everything there was to know about Jamie, but maybe she was wrong.  Before Frank, her last date had been back in nursing school, and a VHS player and copious cheap beer had been involved.  Despite the over-zealous air conditioning in their train, her palms began to sweat.

“Ye needn’t be afraid of me, Claire,” Jamie’s soft burr interrupted her quiet panic attack.  “I’m no’ going tae suddenly turn into some man ye dinna recognize, just because I’m tryin’ tae romance ye a wee bit.”

Once again, with only a few words Jamie had peeled away her layers of confusion and doubt to strike at the core of what was bothering her.  She forced herself to take a deep breath and immediately recognized Jamie’s scent; a blend of laundry detergent, his vetiver bar soap, and a touch of chlorine left over from the morning’s swim.  It set her at ease.  He hadn’t worn cologne.  His left boot had a frayed lace that had needed changing since March.  His cuticles were as inexplicably perfectly formed as always.  He was her Jamie, and she could trust him to behave in accordance with what she already knew of him, even in this uncharted territory.

“So, where exactly are we going?” she asked after the crackling announcement for St. James Park had died away.

“Would it ease yer mind a wee bit, tae ken?”

“Maybe a wee bit,” she confessed.

“Well, then, how can I refuse?  Have ye e’er been tae the Chelsea Physic Garden, Sassenach?”

***

As it turned out, by some grievous oversight she hadn’t.  Wedged between a high brick wall and the Thames was a three hundred and fifty year old urban oasis, filled with plants that could either treat your ailments or kill you.  Naturally, she was enchanted.  Jamie followed her between the beds and down the shaded lanes of pea gravel, a soft smile held between his lips.

When the garden closed, they walked along the Embankment and over the Thames at Chelsea Bridge, stopping to watch the sun set over the murky water.  A food truck beckoned with its aroma of chips and burgers, which they ate on a nearby bench, going back for extra napkins when their choice in toppings proved especially messy.

It was the least romantic meal she’d ever eaten, and she was soothed and smitten in equal measure.

Washing grease from his hands in a drinking fountain, Jamie turned to her in the half-light.

“Now, I have a verra important question of ye, Sassenach, and how ye answer will determine the future course of our evening t’gether.”

Here it was, she balked.  The hook at the end of the line. The sour amongst so much sweetness.  She shouldn’t have expected...

“Are ye,” Jamie continued, unaware of her inner monologue, “afraid of heights?”

... no different than any other man, with his...

“Am I what?” she blurted, once her brain caught up with her ears.

“Afraid of heights?  An’ a bit of a scamper up some scaffolding?”

Jamie was pointing over her shoulder.  She peered into the night, but all she could make out was the hulking shadow of the derelict Battersea Power Station.

***

It was a convoluted story, but the outline went something like this: the massive coal-fired station, with its four spire-like chimneys, was slated for redevelopment.  Jamie had taken part in an onsite review of the location by the London Fire Service, and had befriended a representative of the developer.  Somehow, this friend had granted Jamie access to the site, which is how Claire now found herself over fifty metres above the ground, climbing a seemingly endless series of metal steps, with her curls trying to escape the confines of a workman’s hard hat.

“You really know how to show a girl a good time, Jamie Fraser,” she grumbled as they came to a landing made out of scaffolding.   Above them, a white chimney ascended into the dome of the sky.

“Ye canna say I dinna take yer breath away, Sassenach,” he teased.

She was about to retort when they stepped around the base of the chimney tower, and all words failed her.

Rolled out far below their feet, the Thames was a black carpet reflecting millions of pinpoint gems skyward, broken by belts of light where it was traversed by a bridge.  Beyond the eastern bend in the river, the City glowed with its eternal hum.  The colossal space taken up by the station was a palpable presence behind their backs.

“It reminds me of yer Uncle Lamb’s saying, about makin’ our present out of the bones of our past.  Twasn’t the original plan, but here she stands, still vital and strong, being remade anew.  An’ a beautiful vision fer all tha’.”

She wasn’t convinced that Jamie was talking about the power station.  

A cool breeze blew off the river, and she shivered.  A jacket still warm with body heat immediately covered her shoulders.   They stood side by side in silence, just taking in the view.

When their hands bumped, it seemed the most natural thing in the world to thread her fingers with his own.

“You’ve set the bar impossibly high for any future dates, you know,” she commented eventually.

“Ye’re only sayin’ that because ye dinna ken what I have planned next.”  His grin was impossibly smug, and she fought the urge to kiss it right off his beautiful mouth.  He must have read the impulse in her eyes, because his face was slowly approaching her own, eyes a volatile mix of hope and trepidation.

Her own eyes fluttered closed in anticipation.  Just as their lips should have been meeting, their was a ductile crunch, and their heads bounced apart with comedic timing.  Their hard helmets had collided.  Jamie swore softly beneath his breath, but Claire couldn’t stop giggling.

“Oh, thank god.  It is you.  I was beginning to wonder.”

***

It was late when they finally exited the Tube, but Jamie insisted on accompanying Claire all the way to the Abernathy’s front door.  She handed him back his leather jacket, feeling suddenly awkward in the brightly lit hall.  The date had been magical, far beyond her wildest expectations, and it felt strange to return to the prosaic reality of their lives.

“Thank you for a wonderful time, Jamie.”

“Twas my pleasure, Sassenach.   I’ve missed ye, these past few weeks.  And I really hope... well, you’ll tell me if you want to do somethin’ like this again, aye?”  His hand went to the back of his neck in a gesture she knew well.  Bless the man, he had no idea the effect he had on her.  It was well past time to let him know.

“I’d love that.  Truly.  I’ve got final exams to study for, but maybe sometime next week?”

"Well then,” he replied, clearly delighted with her response.  “I should let ye get some sleep.  Good luck on yer exams, Sassenach.   And thank ye, fer bein’ willing tae give this a chance.  Twas a day I’ll ne’er forget.”

He began to walk away.

“Jamie!”  He turned around.

“Aye?”

Walking forward to the beat of her pounding heart, she halted when their bellies were practically touching.  Lifting up on tiptoe, she pressed into his mouth.  Time slowed to a syrupy drip as their lips met for the first time.  His rough exhale was the only sound in the cocoon of sensation that enveloped them.  It felt like she was falling through an endless cloud. Too soon, she had to pull away to capture her breath, and the spell was broken.  Judging by his moonstruck expression, Jamie had been equally affected.  She smiled when she realized his arms were still held aloft, like he was trying to hold on to the memory of their kiss.

“Goodnight, James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser,” she purred before she disappeared from his sight.

[bessandrobin]

CORRESPONDENCE SERIES 45/

Robert Dudley to Elizabeth Tudor 11 October, 1586

My gracious lady, pardon and bear with me that I take in hand to seek to satisfy you in those points of your letter received by Killigrew which lie most grievous at my heart. The Lord doth know I am free from desert of any such opinion or that the least of any of these conceits should enter into your thought of me. I only crave suspend of your judgment till better examination be had of all my doings since I came first over into this service; this unhappy service, I may say. Vouchsafe, I beseech your Majesty, for my long and true service sake, the reading of this my sudden and true answer, wishing rather so many shot had lit upon my body to have ended my life, than to have received so many discomfortable words under your own hand, of your hard conceit of me. God Almighty preserve you.

1. That your Majesty doth marvel that with my authority and name I bear here, I have no better looked what these men here can afford touching their charge. Not only myself by all means have sought for the full knowledge thereof… but have conferred with all the best financiers… and have always found by them, that, their affairs of the finances well used, far more benefit might grow to them for better advancement of their cause. I have dealt often with the Council of State for the better addressment of that office, and found divers persuaded that good and skilful officers might increase their revenues greatly. To this end divers were dealt with; among which one Ringolt (whom Mr. Secretary knows and I suppose your Majesty also) made large offers to augment the revenue, without new impositions, at least five or six hundred thousand florins a year. With him I caused some of the chief of the Finances to treat, who gave “great allowance” of his offer, and took no exception in the world against the man. The matter being brought into Council, some exceptions were taken, one that he would not have credit enough to take up money beforehand; another that he had served the Duke of Alva; “but the greatest part and the best lovers of their country liked well of his offer if he would make it probable. He joined thus with them, that his head should pay for it if within three months after he was placed in the room of the Treasurer, he did not bring into the help of their present charges a hundred thousand florins.” Hereupon, the authority being always confessed to be in me to place the Court of Finances, and finding the means both ordinary and extraordinary come very short, I made Ringout treasurer, putting two superintendents above him, of whom Harry Killigrew was one, and joined two councillors as commissioners with him, to see all well-handled. All proceeded well till the States protested against Ringout, and wrangled so as there was no good to be done, notwithstanding the offer of forfeiture of his life if he performed not his promise by his day, but never left prosecuting of him…. till I must commit him to safe custody, where he yet is a prisoner, without any great matter laid to his charge. This point is the more enlarged for that I am thought negligent to know what the state of their ability is, and I doubt it is not well opened to your Majesty. Till this impeachment came, both I and divers of the Council expected full performance of the increase promised; yet suddenly it fell out that I must either arrest him or seem to deny justice to the States. In the meanwhile, all his doings are overthrown, and we disappointed of the increase. The rest that they can afford is certainly known.

2. That no more people be called in than I was able to pay. Notwithstanding this great hindrance, … I will undertake that this army nor the last shall together cost so much as their own allowance to me… agreed upon in February, which was 400,000 florins, and let all the charges of strangers drawn in by me be reckoned also…

3. Why I have not sent some one of mine to see their payments as they do your Majesty’s. If your Majesty means the general payments from the Finances, I have taken as good a way as can be devised, for there is no payment to captains or colonels but it is done by the privity of all or most part of the officers of the Finances, whereof your own councillor Mr. Killigrew is one. If you mean it for some one to see the payment of the soldiers, it was not possible for me to do so; for all payments hitherto, wherein both the States and your Majesty also doth lose greatly, I have found fault withal, but cannot help it, except you and they will so appoint your Treasurer as the soldier may be oftener paid and so oftener mustered; for so long as we have to pay money upon prest, there can neither be the service done which you look for, nor can the soldier know what case he is in; which is most lamentable for him, as he runs up many scores with the victualler, captain and treasurer; and great loss to you, for howsoever bands be decayed, the payments run on as for full ones. Both first in England and since I came over I have often urged that your people might be often paid and often mustered, and I would I had no more toward my charges than your Majesty has lost for lack of this means. It would little avail to send or appoint one of mine unless the other order, for payment, were also appointed.

4. Why I should sign any warrant for more than I am sure to be paid. This is answered by the former, for I must sign my warrants as the Muster Master sets down the rate and numbers, and I never make warrants to pay any captain or band until the Muster Master certifies that they are to have such a pay or imprest, except when you send your treasurer to make full pay to such a day. Then the warrants are made general to the treasurer to pay according to the Muster Master’s note under his hand, deducting for checks and for the victualler. For those not at a certain rate, as your Majesty’s are, I set down the number as near as I can, but though our whole army was never above nine thousand, yet for lack of money and a true muster roll, we may have to pay prest for ten or eleven thousand; for there will be whole bands demanded for half bands, and all the world cannot help it, do what men can.

What an oversight it is both to your Majesty’s peril and dishonour for me to send for so many more than I knew I could pay that your subjects must either run away for fear of famine or die for lack of meat. Under humble pardon of your Majesty, I may first say that I think since I came into this country there was never man ran away or perished for lack of meat. If the States say that I have more than I knew how to pay, I desire the particular matter set down; in what numbers I have exceeded or of what nations. If they say of English…. they did desire at my hands to have Englishmen though it were ten or twelve thousand, yea and most desirous to convert the charges of many of their own Dutches into our English, and so had they reason. If they find fault with the Scots, your Majesty doth best know…. how I dealt in that matter of the Master [of] Grays. It was commended from your Majesty to me, when I had written and discouraged [him] not to come, and when he offered his men, I wrote again, liking well of his own stay and his men’s also, yet only about six or seven hundred Scots have come over in all. For the Reiters and Almanis, I have ten (?) letters both of the States and Council of Estate that this was their own act, and because I withstood it all I could, they showed me forth a contract that was made the last year between the Count Meurs and them that he should levy such a company; but seeing they forsook the king of Denmark’s offer, I did mislike with this, yet they went forward, and yet with small success, but the act was theirs and not mine. And then for the rest I will answer all I brought or procured were within the compass of our allowance, and no more than I ever knew that the States were both able and should pay them.

5. What a metamorphosis is this, that I should receive so great contributions beforehand of the States and all consumed without order or cause &c. I have great cause to think the States much better friended than I am, that theirs or any such information should receive such credit before mine answer had to your Majesty. But if ever the States have prested beforehand half their ordinary money for soldiers’ due, or any way they [the soldiers] have received for ten months three months’ pay, let then my credit come in question; or it the rest that was granted by them as extraordinary, to levy an army, which was 400,000 florins, not pounds, as I hear your Majesty taketh it, for it is but 40,000 pounds, and to be paid in March, April, May and June last, but all these four months had I not one florin of them; now against this going to the field last, they have I think disbursed….200,000 florins, which is 20,000l. or a little above; so that whatsoever was expended in provisions was of necessity, albeit they had had none other but their own people to have served them. Now the lack of my discretion is if I have so charged them with strange numbers as have consumed the rest of the money unprofitably or without cause. Your Majesty being once persuaded how necessary it was to have an army in the field….then is it to be considered whether it had been possible for me to have made an army sufficient without those numbers of English which I brought in, and do affirm still, by their [the States’] own consents and liking; first, of their own forces they were no ways able to bring 4,000 men to make a camp, as by our experience now twice did appear; for when in May and June I promised to go toward Grave with their forces I was promised 2,000 of their horse and five or six thousand footmen, yet they could send no more than a thousand horse and 1,200 foot. Of your Majesty’s there was about 1,500 foot and 700 horses, and this was our whole camp (which was to have been, by their account ten thousand men), a small number to make an army of to resist such an enemy as we had to deal withal, who had at Grave 12,000 foot and 4,000 horse. And when another army was to be made to relieve Venlo, the States were not able to bring 3,000 of their own men into the field, though they confess to pay above 25,000 in garrison. Hereupon in all haste they desired to have more Englishmen and Scots, and also set a working the Count of Meurs for the Almayns. I sent then to have those Englishmen which it pleased you to licence. They could neither come in time for Venloe nor ‘Newce’ nor almost Berkes. How glad then these men were of their coming. I refer to the whole country’s liking…. Albeit raw, new soldiers yet went I with them to the field for the safety of our men at Berkes, where there was a 1,000 English, but of the Dutch of this country I could never get together above 2,000 footmen, and [of] our English… there was but 4,500; in all we were under 7,000 footmen, which was a poor army for such an enterprise, yet made show and by bruits gave out that we were 13 or 14 thousand and gave warrant to the victualler for so many ; the very truth being that we never meant to approach Berkes, but by some means to cause the Prince to levy his siege, and that was to seek, as we did, to besiege some of these frontier towns, always before pretending to march to the Prince directly, as a matter more honourable, and also to abuse these places not to suspect our coming to them. Now hath your Majesty heard what reasons moved this course, as also how the people and charge were employed… Of the success [of] what they have for their charge, I know all this country findeth it. I deliver the 40,000l. sterling a year for three months’ purchase by this service, which I hope will seem now to your Majesty a good metamorphosis, more than these are worthy of. Of the 400,000 florins, 120,000 remain not yet disbursed, “for all their information.”

6. That I do embrace more than I can wield if I look not better to these payments, and that if it had been well disbursed, it had been sufficient to have ended more than now it hath, but scorn to your foes and shame to yours &c. I can herein but humbly beseech your Majesty to hear the account how it hath been spent 'or’ you conceive it be dishonourably spent, that either your foes may scorn at it or yourself ashamed of it. And for mine own part, if there be fault in me, I will desire no favour…. Hitherto your foes here have no cause neither to scorn nor to be proud…. I am sure he never received so many disgraces nor the countries so much profit these fifteen years as your Majesty’s people hath given to both since they came. I pray God your money be never worse spent nor your Majesty’s honour never more touched than by the service of your poor servants here…

7. That I should not irritate the States, and grow too popular, for that they be wise men; yet your Majesty doth will me to look they do their duties, and suffer no faction between them. I cannot imagine in what one point I have given them cause of irritation, nor what your Majesty’s meaning is. If it be for P. Buys….I am a traitor to your Majesty if I was privy or knowing of his apprehension; for I had sufficient and more than sufficient matter against him myself touching his lewd and factious dealing against your Majesty, if I would have made arrest of him, and I was fully purposed to have declared to the whole Council some part of his doings. If it be that matter, it may be one or two may be irritated, but what his love is amongst them let Mr. Davison tell you, who was his best friend, and yet [he] dealt lewdly with him after he was gone. I should also think myself most unhappy that my credit should be so slender with your Majesty to think that I would mislike such a man as myself of all others made most account of till I found and was assured of his lewdness and his practice to the danger of this whole State; but your Majesty’s mislike of me for him and other things is very well known to him and his friends, and is cause of less account to be made [of me] than is fit for the place you have here placed me in. But your will be done; if it be for your Majesty’s better service, it shall well content me. Trusting so much in your great clemency and goodness that now I have spent to the hazard of my life and only credit that ever I have served for under your royal person, and for many years enjoyed equal with any of my fellow servants, that I may now be relieved of so long a perplexed and grievous time which I have sustained here, not knowing… that ever I have offended justly man, woman or child since I came hither. What the justice of Hemert may in nature work in some I know not, but justice did that, not I, for I hated not the man. As for faction, I know none for private causes among the States or councillors. I think Paul Buys hath some favourers, and such as work secretly to have his case pitied, wherein I did not meddle at all; but what shall like your Majesty, that will I do. A lewd agent divers of the States and Councillors have told me he hath of Ortell, that is in London, and he made the States allow him 300l. a year and did not 3 shillings worth of service to them, but an advertiser of his of all news. As for to make them know their duties, I see nothing but all well and dutiful; otherwise they know my authority and credit well enough, and how easily an ill tale may be heard against me. For popularity, I have detested it in all men.

8. That your Majesty is offended with my lord North’s order taken at Utrecht, that he hath served humours at home &c. I must truly inform your Majesty….that my lord was appointed at the earnest request of the Count Meurs and the magistrates of Utrecht, who desired me to appoint some nobleman to keep all quiet there by means of our English garrison, doubting some lewd practice of the papists, who had attempted to take arms twice or thrice, and that they must now needs put some of them forth and the rather for that the greatest of them were the worst. I had no nobleman nor other of credit about me but my Lord North, whom I did earnestly press to go thither ….and for any order he took or gave, let it light upon me, with your displeasure; but only was present to see what course they took, which was that there was a hundred persons booked to be banished and indeed bad fellows; yet did my Lord North qualify it that they were but forty or thereabout and here is all that my lord did. Whether there were cause to banish these men their own governors best know; but I trust your Majesty doth not forget that I was willed to give the good magistrates warning to look to the papists and others that had intelligence with the enemy, as hath appeared indeed too many had… I do assure your Majesty my lord North is an able and a valiant gentleman to serve you as any of his coat in England and hath done here as good service every way. It is pity such wrong information dare be brought to your Majesty by any. For God’s sake make proof of them, and punish either the offender or the informer.

9. That I must look well what commissions I give; it doth not salve my negligence to excuse my warrants and commissions that they be mistaken, or I read them not. I trust in God neither myself have made any such excuse nor any for me… albeit perhaps a wiser man than I may be overtaken in signing of warrants; but let not those who have my warrants abuse them and I will answer for the signing of them. There was once an error through the form of a warrant drawn by Atye, but I think no great matter can be of it. I pray God my warrants be not abused by those that you may trust better than I and yet lose more by them than either your Majesty hath done or I trust ever shall do by me or by my negligence…; though I will not say much for myself, that I have neither been a negligent or a careless servant to you… but I must appeal to your goodness, finding my continual ill hap to be as it is, subject to all informations against me, good gracious Queen, to resolve that I may serve here no longer; for I would see them all hanged and the country drowned rather than live in these conceits with your Majesty, and therefore I crave but examination of all things; and as I shall be found to deserve, so to enjoy your favour, which I hold above all earthly things.

10. That I have seemed to go carelessly or improvidently to the field, without due respect &c. Good lady, condemn me not thus by report, nor suppose me, being brought up as I have been, and being of your own choice for this service, so simple and ignorant as I am made to you to be. I have been now twice in the field… What error, I beseech you, is any man able to charge me with, whereby your service have been hindered; or have wanted good government, whereby ill success hath come to us. Have we been beaten of the enemy through any lack of order among us? Have we lost anything but that which treason hath delivered? Have we given place to the enemy at any time when he hath sought us? Have we gone about anything to take by force but we have done it; even before the enemy’s face, having his whole army by us have we not set free whole provinces of all contributions, which was never done till now? Have not your men prospered in all their fights, either in field or by assaults against them? What carelessness or improvidence hath there been; have we wanted meat or money; though not of the one any great store, yet by my only providence three times have I holpen to supply their want. I mean by money and in such sort not only contented the soldiers thoroughly, but brought, as I will justify, the most ample furnished camp of victuals and all other provisions that ever was seen. Neither your treasurer nor the States were able to supply the requisite payments… I confess that I borrowed of your treasurer money that did greatly help us,….but I was fain to lay myself to gage in sundry places to satisfy this present turn; and I was herein neither careless nor improvident, seeing I found the means to pay weekly such a company without mutiny or disorder at all, and to cause a plentiful camp of victual still to follow us; whereby we neither cared [for] nor needed the victualling of the States; which they would rather have wished, being most of them victuallers and merchants. And that I was not so negligent, the performance of the service doth show… and be it presumptuously spoken to your Majesty, I doubt whether the informer or the informer’s friends would in my place have discharged this service more carefully than I have done… and albeit I was content to have the negligence and improvidence of these States to be known to them, for the better help against another time, yet did I know how to continue this enterprise we took in hand, notwithstanding their slackness, well enough. I am sure now, your deputy of Ireland hath taken journeys in hand when his proportion of your treasure was very scant; but I see that is misliked in me that would be praised in another.

11. That your Majesty’s treasure is still sent, and yet [you] hear that all want; your chief garrisons unpaid and those in the field bare enough furnished; that it is a sieve that spends as it receives to little purpose. To this I must answer but for myself. If I bestowed your treasure by my appointment otherwise than in all reason and consequence shall be allowed of, let [my] enemies be my judges, and I will suffer what punishment my fault shall deserve in your Majesty’s own judgment. If your treasure has been otherwise bestowed or disposed than by me, I beseech you lay it not to me. And as I have written, so am I still persuaded that if your treasure had been so paid to your soldiers as my warrants appoint, it had not only stretched much further than it hath done, but the poor soldiers in far better case than hitherto they have been. The Muster master, a most sufficient man and careful to discharge his duty is best able to satisfy you herein, to whom I refer me.

12. Your Majesty doth wonder that the placard so much cried out of, of all nations, yea of the Estates themselves and the people, so inconsiderately made, is not all this while revoked, no, nor the qualification published. That I never read it, as your Majesty doth think, or never understood it, for there was never so senseless a commandment; that the Scots king, the French king be offended at it, yea the Estates never consented unto it. I may see, most gracious sovereign, that I have few friends about you, that such a matter as this is…. so plainly signified to your Majesty and your Council could not have been there satisfied…. For my part, it was so long ago past, as when I read your Majesty’s letter, I could scarce know what placard you meant. But since I call to mind that there was a placard concerning a general prohibition of all nations whatsoever for carrying of any victual of goods to the enemy, brought in by the whole Council here, and preferred from the States. I have very good testimony of all the Council here that I only in Council stood against it, insomuch it lay a month almost by, for indeed I thought it unreasonable, and that it would give all princes just cause of offence toward this country; and by all duty I bear to your Majesty I did refuse to let it pass. At length both States and Council renewed the matter again to me, and showed me precedents how the like had been done and what profit it would bring; pressing me to give it some consideration in Council to be debated; which I could not deny. Upon debate…. not a man spoke against it, yet…. I would give no consent till I had advertised your Majesty thereof, which they all liked well. And to tell your Majesty now who carried it I cannot remember, but most certain I am it was sent and an answer returned long after, such as did cause them here to proceed; and after it was agreed and published, it was again by my means revoked and qualified, and the qualification published, as doth appear by record…. from the general prohibition of all places only to Calais and Emden. And even at this day, both all the States and Council are daily in hand with me to trouble your Majesty with the disorder of this, and that all the merchants here now carry their victual to England and from thence to Calais, from whence the enemy hath all his relief; and but for this pretence, under the colour of the liberty from England, which I think to be true, the enemy could not have the relief that now he hath thereby; and, besides, the commodity of the impost which the victual, being carried to any place but England would yield [to the States] would help to defray a good part of their charges. And this was one cause that made them stand so fast against the agreement with Emden that there should nothing be transported thence but that all should pass under their licences here; and Mr. D. Clerk is able to inform you, if he doth remember it. So I hope your Majesty have no such cause to condemn me, for I do not see, if it were to begin again, how I could have better discharged myself; and yet I will better inform myself hereof, for your Majesty’s more full satisfaction, for that it is five or six months ago at the least since it was done. But so far as I have here set down, I know right well to be true; and for the States….they had the book a long while with themselves before it was engrossed; at least twenty days, and by their own agreement passed.

These matters, my most dread and dear sovereign, have deeply pierced me, to find after so many displeasures procured toward me since my unfortunate arrival here, and yet having received sundry comfortable and gracious letters from you, that now in the latter end of my dangers and travails, suffered only for your service, that your Majesty will be so easily incensed against me, and to condemn me even in the worst degrees, as may appear by the words of your heavy writing here set down, not altogether so hard as they be under your own hand. God defend I should live justly to deserve it; for the hope of my life hath been the favour of your Majesty; but what worse conceit can be imagined than to be careless, negligent and improvident in so weighty a place and service as your Majesty hath placed me; to cast away your people, and vainly to consume your treasure; to condemn magistrates and seek popularity; but my trust is, the Lord hath not quite cast me out of your grace, loving you, fearing you, and caring for you as much and as loyally as any subject, not in England alone but under heaven doth his prince. And therefore my prayer to God is to put in your heart to judge according to that he knoweth in my heart; and your Majesty graciously, princely and indifferently to hear my cause and weigh it according to the fact of my deserts. And will crave pardon that I thus boldly have sought to satisfy you upon the grievous conceit I found in your letter of me; lying more heavily at my heart than all the worldly griefs else could have done. And so in most humble and faithfullest manner kiss the feet of your sacred Majesty.