#there is this famous japanese artist who fucking hates columbo and calls him Inconsiderate Bastard

[columboscreens]

Something very unfortunate, but my enthusiasm for columbo has made my friend, for some reason, not like him! How can they not like him? D: He's just a little guy!

honestly? i totally understand. and i run this blog.

columbo is likeable because we always see his best qualities. he does valiant work at a noble job. he's strong, he's intelligent; he's kind, he's just. he makes the right deductions and then makes sure he's right before acting upon them. he's played by peter falk. so yeah, most people want to kick back and have a beer with columbo, even (especially?) some of the people he puts in handcuffs.

but for a second, wash columbo of his charm, kindness, and intellect: the man is an evil fucking bastard. he is naturally annoying--one of his superpowers, which he knows and exploits. he is calculating, devious, manipulative. his overly polite, ingratiating manner wears very thin very quickly, doubly so if he's choosing to play especially dumb. he's a sadistic, disgusting, deceptive little troll who drops by unannounced and practically forces his way into your house, occupying it when it seems like he doesn't even need to be there, flaunting his authority. on top of it all he insists on billowing that cheap, stinking cigar smoke in your face, dropping ashes everywhere while smiling so smugly, so condescendingly, that you want to wring his little neck, his mumbling voice dripping with feigned apology all the while. he asks if you can use your phone, but not really, because he's actually telling you he's using it as he picks it up and makes a call before you can even open your mouth.

through it all, he outright implies that you or someone you love is a homicidal maniac.

then he fucking breaks your television. suddenly, mrs. peck becomes very sympathetic

now i'll ask you to imagine that, on top of all the aforementioned, columbo was, even once, wrong about who the killer was. i am asking you to sit there and imagine the most endearing waterboarding session you can. imagine subjecting an innocent human being to a punishment so cruel and unusual. imagine, as peter falk himself described, that a bunch of little ducks are nibbling at you, pecking at you in a hellish, promethean bid to get you to finally scream to the heavens in confession for your crime.

columbo is eminently lovable, but that love hinges entirely on the fact that he's always right. because if he isn't, he's worse than merely annoying--he's evil.