#theres a lot but my brain has many tabs so its buried there but the love for the characters are still here hehe

[ebi-noodle-doodles]

Do u have favorite anime character?

oooof I have a BUNCH buut Im gonna list the first thing comes in mind for now cus this will become a novel-

I love every Gintama character, Hijikata, Gintoki, Tsukki, Kagura, Sougo, Sadaharu are on the top. Everyone in Naruto except for Danzo cus fck him-, but Iruka is on the throne in that series for me. Bochii and Hilling from Ranking of Kings. Power, Denj, Aki, Angel Yoshida, Nayuta. Kakyoin! Jolyne! Jotaro! Josuke! Joseph! Giorno! Edward and Alphonse! Roy Mustang! Johan Leibert! Wolfgang Grimmer! Black Rock Shooter! aaaand more

[spin-birdie]

who wants to have a DREADFUL time

you hear that? its the sound of me crackin my bones and blowing dust off my keyboard in preparation of posting Cringe Fics From My Fail Brain

word count: 2140

pairings: n/a

rating: explicit

additional tags: i refuse to categorise them again. phoenix gets a tentacle dildo as a joke christmas gift and then he uses it. this doesnt deserve additional tags. except for crack treated seriously. also theres a bit of choking so give this a miss if youre not into that

its under the cut but you can just read it on ao3 here

At first glance, Phoenix has no idea what he’s holding. Everyone else in the room is silent for a moment as he turns the object around in his hand, perplexed. Then three things happen in rapid succession; first, Larry laughs so sharply it sounds like he’s going to pass out from the force. Then everyone else in the room erupts into shocked laughter. Finally, Phoenix realises Larry gave him a fucking dildo for Christmas.

He drops it back into the box it came in with an indignant shout, like even touching the thing had burned his soul. He glares at Larry, who’s leaning on the arm of the couch in a futile attempt to stay upright. His laughter has dissolved into coughing and wheezing. Everyone else seems to be in a similar state, either cackling so hard they’re about to fall over or exchanging stunned, silent glances with each other.

Phoenix isn’t sure why he expected anything else from a frat house full of drunk college students.

He glances back down at the box in his lap. Then he looks back up. Then he remembers it’s been a while since he’s said anything and everyone’s still looking in his general direction. “Larry, what-- why?!”

The embarrassment in his voice just makes Larry laugh harder. The poor idiot’s face is so red Phoenix thinks for a moment he’s actually going to collapse and die right there. At this moment, he’d probably be okay with that.

Larry composes himself just enough to say something like, “You keep talking about how lonely you are, so I figured…” before breaking down again. “Ev-Everyone else got a legit gift and a joke gift, so like…”

“Huh? A joke--? This thing’s the size of my arm, Larry!”

Another bout of giggles fills the room. Phoenix can feel the tips of his ears burning. Forget Larry, at this point he’d welcome it if death wanted to claim him right this second.

He buries his face in his hands, staring down at the incriminating object between the cracks in his fingers. It looks well-made, and that might be the worst part, if only because it implies Larry spent a lot of money on a fucking prank gift. There’s a nearly metallic-looking sheen to the thing, and the swirling sandy/aqua pattern reminds Phoenix of the ocean, to his chagrin. But those traits are more or less overshadowed by the fact that it’s a fantastically crafted dildo shaped like a fucking tentacle that’s as wide as a soda can at its base and about twice as tall. Phoenix has so many more questions about this thing, but he’s sure the answers would only leave him with questions he doesn’t want answers to.

Someone else starts tearing open a present, and the crowd’s attention turns to her. Phoenix doesn’t pay as much attention as he should.

Let it go. It’s just a prank gift, Phoenix tells himself. No one expects him to use the thing. It’s that simple.

---

It should be that simple. But it’s been about a week since that party and Phoenix keeps thinking about the blue tentacle-shaped sex toy taking up space in his closet.

He looks up the price at some point, just out of curiosity. It’s fairly easy to find the online store it was bought from; the box was open when Phoenix unwrapped it, but the packaging inside was mostly intact, and there was a care guide with the store’s logo on it to boot.

He balks when he sees the base price listed as somewhere around $55, but then he realises it costs even more to increase the size. If Phoenix had to guess, Larry spent at least $100 on this thing, probably more with tax and shipping costs.

Upwards of $100 on a stupid prank gift. Sounds like a thing Larry would do.

Phoenix should probably close the tab right there, but for whatever reason, he doesn’t. He hits the back button and scrolls down the store page a little more and sees a lot of products that make even the tentacle thing look fairly tame in comparison. He knows he’s blushing harder the longer he stays on the site, and keeps thinking ‘holy shit, I didn’t really want to know that was a kink that exists’ or ‘how is that even remotely pleasurable?’ every few minutes, but he still doesn’t click off until he’s hit the bottom of the page. If anyone asks, he’ll just chalk it up to morbid curiosity.

Of course that explanation doesn’t hold up so well an hour later when Phoenix is jerking himself off in the shower, but no one needs to know about that.

---

Two weeks after the party, Phoenix takes the box out of his closet.

He almost thinks about opening it about a dozen times, but always remembers at the last moment about some chore that needs doing, or some file he needs to fill out, or that email he’s waiting for that definitely hasn’t come in the last three minutes but surely it can’t hurt to check again anyway. He knows he’s stalling. He can’t be bothered stopping himself.

Ultimately he ends up taking a shower to calm down and prepare himself for what he’s inevitably going to do this evening. It’s fine, he thinks to himself. It was an expensive gift, after all. It’d be a shame to spend that much money on something that’s going to stay in his closet forever, so why not use it just once?

Lord, Phoenix is so fucked. A statement that will be very, very literal within the hour. God.

There’s about an hour gap between Phoenix taking the box out and actually opening it. After that, he’s pretty sure he takes another ten minutes to undress since he’s too busy staring at the dildo like it’s betrayed him somehow.

At long last, he actually picks the cursed thing up for the first time in two weeks. It’s heavy and firm, yet there’s some give to it. He wraps both hands around the shaft, and there’s a good inch or so he can’t even reach and he can feel the unfamiliar texture of the suckers beneath his hands and he suddenly feels even more daunted than he was before, if that’s even possible.

Before he really knows what he’s doing, he brings the tip up to his lips and lets it rest inside his mouth. It’s warmer than Phoenix expects, the weight against his tongue unusually comforting. He can feel the suckers lining the underside of the tentacle, the silicone yielding when he presses his teeth against it lightly. A low, needy sound escapes him and he pulls his mouth away. There’s an unpleasantly clinical aftertaste, which is the only thing that reminds Phoenix he should probably wash the damn thing before doing anything else with it.

(Washing it does give him a chance to get more acclimated to the texture, even if he can’t stop thinking about what it will feel like inside him.)

He’s not sure how long he’s been at half-mast, but once he’s lying in bed and actually takes himself in hand he’s completely hard and leaking precum in a matter of minutes. Fortunately, he’s a little too far gone to be embarrassed about it. He gets worryingly close to the edge before he remembers his real goal and moves his hand up to rest on his stomach instead. He looks down at the toy next to him and swallows thickly.

No turning back now.

He’s not sure how much lube to use on a toy with this much texture, so he uses more than what’s probably necessary. He spreads his legs, starts stroking himself slowly and takes a sharp breath when the tip of the toy nudges his perineum before settling in front of his entrance.

The toy slips in with less resistance than Phoenix expects, though he’s still glad he prepped in the shower earlier. He shivers, bearing down against it as it fills him up. At first it doesn’t feel like much; not bad, not mindblowing. It does remind Phoenix how long it’s been since he had anything to fill him besides his fingers and the one vibrator he lost the remote for.

A little more of the toy slides in, and Phoenix’s breath catches when he feels the suckers. He swears they feel even more pronounced than they did before. Phoenix clenches around the dildo, squeezes his own dick, tries to remember how to breathe evenly. He doesn’t know how full he actually is. He’s certain he’s not going to take the whole thing because that would be really fucking ambitious even for him, but…

He adjusts his grip on the dildo, pulls it out a bit, pushes it back in even further--

“Oh-- Fuck--!”

He knew there was a bit of a curve to it, but christ does it make a difference when he changes the angle and the tip of the tentacle nudges against his prostate a bit too hard and it feels like someone just set off a firecracker behind his navel and it’s just on the wrong side of painful. He has to stop and breathe again before he chases the feeling.

Before he knows it he’s rocking his hips until he finds the angle again and the tip catches his prostate again and it’s uncomfortable for a few seconds and then it’s not and, and…

Phoenix keens high in the back of his throat, throwing his head back against his pillow in a needless effort to muffle himself. It’s almost scary how fast he starts to unravel after that. His legs shake uncontrollably, he’s rocking against the toy, losing himself to the delicious pressure against his prostate and the sensation of being filled up more and more, and every time he remembers he’s fucking himself on a fucking tentacle he almost breaks apart entirely. The hand that isn’t guiding the toy around can’t stay still, moving to wrap around Phoenix’s straining cock or dig into the sheets beside his head or press down on his stomach or flick across his nipples.

It’s so much. It’s almost too much but Phoenix would rather die than stop moving. He’s not sure how much of the tentacle has worked its way inside him. His whole body trembles at the thought. He knows he’s panting at this point, vaguely aware he’s whispering to himself, but fuck if he has a clue what he’s actually saying.

He thinks he’s close. Scratch that, he’s very fucking close all of a sudden; it’s like a switch was flipped and Phoenix is hyper-aware of his body. The mounting pressure just under his navel, the ache in his legs from being tense for so long, the pain in his wrist. His body feels like a live wire. He just needs one more push and he’ll fall off the edge completely.

Phoenix lets go of the toy with a sigh, pushes himself further up the bed. He cants his hips until he feels the tentacle shift inside him just hard enough that he throws his head back with a gasp.

He’s not quite riding it, and it’s a little harder to keep a steady pace from this angle, but it leaves both his hands free. He reaches for himself again and strokes himself hard and slow, squeezing the head on every upstroke in that way that leaves him gasping for breath. His other hand rests against his throat, fingers pressing against the arteries on either side until he’s even more lightheaded.

His tongue feels heavy and useless, his entire body is convulsing, right there on the precipice and it’s too much, not enough, too much, too good--

He thinks he might actually die when he comes. It’s hard to say. It’s one of those full-body orgasms; something that saps all the energy out of him and concentrates it into raw pleasure that spreads through every inch of his body until he’s left boneless, exhausted, and pleasantly numb.

Phoenix barely moves for the next few minutes. It’s all he can do to lie still and catch his breath as he winds down from easily the biggest orgasm he’s had in months.

When he does try to move, he realises with a start the dildo is inside him, nestled against his prostate and abrading his raw nerves as cum dries on his chest and stomach. He shivers with a near-silent moan as he pulls the toy out, leaving him empty and wanting.

He tosses the dildo aside and lies back against the bed with a groan. He knows he needs to clean up sooner or later…but there’s no reason it can’t be later.

Phoenix would never admit it to a single living soul, but he thinks he’s just found a new favorite toy.