#theres a salvageable relationship in there somewhere i can sense it

[liauditore]

cleo/martyn for shipping bingo?

original

when i say criminally underrated i mean CRIMINALLY underrated ok. unhinged rambling under the cut

like every fictional character and real person in the world is marina and the diamonds oh no coded but these two are literally this song so much im gonna throw up

One track mind, one track heart If I fail, I'll fall apart Maybe it is all a test 'Cause, I feel like I'm the worst So I always act like I'm the best

they mirror each other so perfectly. they're both deeply insecure people who desperately want to be strong for themselves and those around them, but they dig their own graves doing that by refusing to be vulnerable and only pushing people close to them away.

in my mind they both see the worst parts of themselves in the other person because they're so similar internally, despite having wildly different personalities.

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no, oh!

they both have an ego and a malice that gets them antagonized by the rest of the server which is 100% their fault, and they both pretend they don't care when really both of them yearn for someone, Anyone to see how much they're hurting (but they'd never admit to it).

You type out your bias on me it’s all nitpicks and paying no mind to be so sadistic They pin on the thorns make her maleficent In bloom the rose made a perfect fit He drowns out the crowd that throws a burdened fit They blow up the sound regardless to admit They’re stabbing a knife and quote without a wit “Bet it’s no strife, no it’s just the tip”

(^telecaster b-boy lyrics cus that song changed my life but also it reminds me of them)

Just.. that one clip of Cleo admitting she's a rubbish fighter and saying that she would only drag Martyn down to which Martyn immediately responds that he doesn't care and thinks she's great company. Or any number of the times Martyn offers some dumb surface-level act of servitude towards Cleo because he doesn't know how to just be vulnerable and admit he wants some form of acknowledgement.

They keep testing the waters with eachother but one always backs out when it starts getting too real. They both just want love but their egos won't let them admit it.

Cleo has this magical ability to divorce men she's never dated and I love her for it.

OFC all this aside they're also just both so losercore and dumb and divorced and martyn being The Most Pathetic Man Ever with trying to court cleo is hilarious to watch and also bdubs ships them and I agree with everything bdubs says.

also uh i think ren should join them in the middle idk

[chiveburger]

I wasn’t planning to write this tonight, or rather... I thought I’ve gotten past the need to write this, but turns out I was wrong. for the last few days I’ve been thinking about how to put everything into words, kind of mulling over it and even though I wasn’t (for a while) plagued with the need to express every little bit of everything onto the internet part of me felt like with time, just maybe, I can keep these words to myself. I guess I can’t.

a week or more ago I went awol for a couple days. not just on tumblr, but on many of my close friends. there’s really no way to put this elegantly, but my aunt passed away. It’s a complicated story but in short, she was a very important part of my childhood and really my life as a whole. some years back the relationship between many of our relatives including my family (other than me) and her went very sour, to the point that she cut off all contact with us. I’m not young, but I’m not very old either so I couldn’t do much to salvage this. adults and I mean adult adults do this thing where they try to separate children from their fights as a means to keep them in this bubble of false security, but as long as you fight... everyone is affected. all the words I want to say are jumbled and I don’t really know where this is all going to end up, nor am I positive what I’m feeling or have felt is a single solitary emotion. 

I recently watched the movie “dear ex”. It talks about a woman with her teenage son finding out that her husband has “turned’ gay and decided to move out into his boyfriend’s home. after he dies, he names him as a beneficiary and not his son. If I watched this movie prior to this january I probably wouldn’t have reacted so strongly, but in the movie they reveal that her husband has loved this man his whole life. as a means to start a normal life, he abandons romance and lives a lie until he’s diagnosed with cancer. during his final months, he realizes he wants to be with the person he truly loves and he files for divorce with his wife. his boyfriend takes care of him until his dying moments... the thing is, whenever you’re in mourning you feel like everything you watch, everything you read, everything you see is connected. as if the world is giving you signs, whether it’s to deepen your pain or to provide some sense of comfort. 

so that movie, however outlandish and uncorrelated somehow in some ways hit a little too close to home. my aunt passed away from cancer, and during all those years where she stopped communication she never once mentioned she was sick. not even once. I respect privacy, I really do and sometimes when you feel like everything is out of your own control maybe the only thing you have a say in is what you keep a secret. I didn’t know what to feel... was it guilt? for not contacting her enough or even just attempting to rebuild the relationship between her family and our relatives? was it hate? did I hate her for not telling me how sick she was when she knew I loved her? was it sadness? knowing that I never got to see her in the last 7 years I’ve been in school and work, that I’ll never hear her voice? even now, when I’ve confirmed that I’ve found closure I know I haven’t, I might not ever and I still don’t know what I’m feeling.

In that movie, they play out how the husband becomes sick. how painful it was for him, yet how bright his boyfriend always was. he didn’t hesitate to take care of him when he was barely mobile, how he was willing to go to loan sharks to pay for his hospital bills, how at every moment whether it was at home or in the hospital he wanted to be with him, provide for him, loved him till his last moments. my uncle did that. my uncle did that for his wife, and he endured all of that alone and he kept these last couple years a complete secret from us. even when he’s the one who's hurting the most he’s still able to send messages to my mom telling her that he’s okay. so I guess seeing that play out in a movie, even without any knowledge whether or not that’s what my uncle and aunt even went through broke my heart a little. It’s easy to make up your own stories, especially when you’re sad. It’s not very healthy but it happens.

part of me always held onto hope that when I went back to hong kong, I could be the one who rekindled the relationship between my aunt and us. I could bring us together again, and that everything was a misunderstanding that would be resolved with a bit more familial love. being a child stuck in the middle of a feud between adults is really hard, and chances are in another timeline where I did all of this... the result might have been the same. maybe in that timeline I’d feel less guilty, or maybe she reached out to us before the situation was dire. I’m not sure if I would’ve been happier... maybe, I’d come to closure better though.

over the last few days I’ve concluded that I’m going to have questions with no answers. that, when I go back to hong kong I’ll never see my aunt again. that the last memory I have of her was when I was 18 and just starting university. that I’ll never know why she stopped talking to us, whether she truly hated us or she wanted to keep her sickness private. I also know all these feelings I’m feeling are rational and logical. that the close to decade lack of communication created a buffer that made my mourning more streamline. all those emotions of guilt, love, sadness, anger are all normal. 

theres a line in the movie “hating something and having no power over things is two different things”. I know that I don’t hate my aunt, I might not have understood her but I don’t hate her. I never will. I truly, undeniably, without a doubt loved her unconditionally and sincerely. no sort of fight or year-long loss of communication will ever make me think otherwise. my feelings towards her have never changed, and I can only hope that she felt the same way towards me. knowing that I can only hope is probably what makes me so sad. all those memories she gave me as a child, as a young teenager and all those moments she complimented me, loved me, treated me with respect and care and cooked for me, laughed with me and took photos with me... I remember them all. I remember them all. 

sometimes, I get scared that if I’m bottling up all my feelings I’ll get sick. more mentally than physically. so when I want to cry I cry, privately at least. when I feel sad I don’t try to cover it up with anything but I wonder... by telling myself my feelings are justified and that I’m not in the wrong and repeating all of these words of comfort over and over and over again... am I bottling up my feelings? are they getting buried somewhere deep in my heart and then are they going to erupt someday without me realizing? I don’t really know. there’s something I do know, or I think I know. I know that even if I were to go back to hong kong sooner I might not have done anything for her or our relationship. even if I reached out more, even if I did everything I could to make sure she was okay... it doesn’t mean things could’ve changed. either way, it’s not healthy to get caught up in hypotheticals but when it’s all you can do it’s hard not to.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, or get myself to believe is that being born into your families and having the relatives you have are (sometimes) a blessing. to have met someone you share familial bonds with, who loves you, who thinks of you, who gets reminded of you through different things is a blessing. I’m blessed to have known my aunt. I’m blessed to be able to call her my aunt. I loved her entirely, despite everything that has happened and everything I feel. she married my uncle and gave birth to my cousin, all whom I also love desperately. even if our endings were always destined to be the same I wouldn’t change it. even though our time together wasn’t very long, even though I’m always going to feel a tinge of sadness over the mention of her and constantly have questions unanswered... it’s okay. memories don’t just disappear. feelings don’t just disappear either.

so even now, although it hasn’t been very long since she passed I don’t know how I’m feeling nor would I ever. the tears comes and goes, and I know that’s normal. feeling bad and asking questions with no answers is also normal. I know they’re normal, but maybe now isn’t the time to realize what’s normal and abnormal. maybe, I should just... be sad or at least accept that I’m powerless. 

I think I’m okay though, without listing any indicators of normalcy in my everyday life I think I’m okay or least I hope I’m okay. I don’t really know yet. I wanted to say a lot in this post and evidently I did, but it doesn’t really have a conclusion, nor does it really need to. I’m still functional. I’m not swimming in a deep valley of sorrow everyday, unable to eat or sleep and I can talk about this freely to my family and friends. It’s just a little bit hard to say goodbye is all.