#theres still things ive noticed that i kinda want to fix but! im forcing myself not to because if i did we would be here literally all day

[mythtiide]

what the fuck kind of production meeting is this

[intergalacthicc]

10/06/18

i havent talked about my new interest of affection. i am writing this now because even if things are way waaaay far from being normal, i just wanted to reminisce the good old days while im still not feeling bitter about it. i am not into mushy stuff and sappy things but here goes. he probably would never even get to read this so lol. 

i was totally fine with being alone. i had a bad case of a heartbreak earlier this year and i was confident with being alone. i’ve learned it the hard way; not seeking for others company to feel secured. but then this soul came out of the blue. it wasnt like at first sight. errrr or should i say that it wasnt like at first virtual conversation. nor the second. or the third. it started out as something purely virtual, yes. we just talked and talked and talked. gradually, though not slowly, i became comfortable with this soul. i am the type of person who feels lowkey anxious with phone calls yet this soul made it so easy for me to talk to him on the phone from 10pm til dawn. it lasted for a few days. then for a week. then for two weeks. slowly, without realizing, it kinda grew into me. he grew into me. 

he was far from my ideal. oh god, he was barely my ideal. hes apathetic, hes not into chivalry, he has a lot of pet peeves, hes detached, he keeps on maintaining this cool headed doesn’t give a damn type of facade, hes too honest, and hes annoying. he had these ear piercings, one he pierced on his own. he smokes more than five times a day. he usually isn’t sober. but then theres this side of him who’s into literature so much, who gets lost in his surroundings the moment he gets so immersed reading a book, who writes his heart out, who writes poetry, who believes in passion (he wouldnt agree on this but i can see it), who loves films and music as much as i do, who loves memes ranging from dank to dark. he was a mix of both good and bad. he was the perfect balance of good and bad. 

this soul made me become more in sync with myself. he taught me the art of saying no. he taught me to say whats on my mind despite the fact that i may hurt other peoples feelings. he taught me not to be too much of a pushover. i guess i may be romanticizing it too much. but thats how i felt. he made me happy. i felt like i was a teenager in her coming of age years all set up for a free fall. i felt butterflies on my stomach. and he said he did too. its crazy. its overwhelming how you can give and receive the same amount of affection from a person. i wasnt asking for him but the universe let us cross paths even for a little while. it mustve meant something. sometimes i wonder why we had to click and vibe easily only for the connection to be taken away from us on such a short notice. if he was given to me only to be a lesson then alright. i guess i have to swallow the fucking pill. i just done get it sometimes. i havent felt this connection throughout my experience. im not even exaggerating it. i havent found someone i can truly be comfortable with. why did it have to end so soon. whyyyy

people say that ill find someone new. that hes not the last person ill feel this connection with. im forced to end it because my parents told me so. it sucks. both of us are so happy yet we had to let go because of all these external forces coming right at us. honestly, im a coward. i cant go through the process of letting go and moving on yet again. i dont know how ill be able to cope this time knowing that this soul grew into me unlike nobody else before. so if the heartbreaks ive went through already hurt so bad, i dont know how this one would. im also scared when the time comes, if the time comes, that ill find a new love, i may end up comparing the rush to this one. no one will make me feel the way he did. 

its crazy. my parents said they will never accept this guy. how could so much love for me hinder me from being genuinely happy? i know this is me being selfish. ive tried the best i can to be the ideal daughter for my parents. i mess up one time and now im not allowed to do anything except to drop the guy. im starting to lose hope that there will ever be any slightest bit of chance for compromise. harsh words have been said already. heavy heavy words have cause hurt and pain. everythings fucked up. it sucks that i cant do anything to fix it. but okay, ill try to get my shit together. ill try.

[1a-little-obsessed1-blog]

Its different now... A Nash Grier Imagine (This is linked to my previous series)

Its been 3 years since Nash And I broke up. I’m 19 Now living in London happy, Mahogany, Shawn and I were still as close as we were when i left maybe even more. My dad remarried to my amazing step mum Cheryl and i now have a cute 13 year old step sister called Tori and a baby Half brother Ace he’s only 1 month and hes adorable! I haven’t really heard from Nash but i guess i’ve moved on. I was beginning my first year in a photography and arts University in central London.

Wednesday 8th September 2016

I wake up to a new day 6:00 AM sharp. I have a warm shower and put on my outfit for my first day at uni. I wore a Blue hoodie with a white tanktop and Black jeans, I then put on a pair of white jeans and white Vans. I run down stairs and pour some Granola, Fruits and yogurt in a bowl and i then get a 1 Liter Bottle of orange juice out if the fridge and guzzle it down with my breakfast. I run back upstairs and put a headband on, I then lightly applied some makeup to my face and then put my glasses on. I put my backpack on my shoulders and run downstairs to see my little sis sitting there all ready to go to school waiting for me as usual. I sit next to her and stuff fruits into my bag. “Hey whats up T” (T is her nickname)

“Nothing much... Jazz?”(She calls me jazz because When i first met her i gave her jazz hands trying to look cool)

“Yeah?”

“Can we go to some meet up after school today... Like you pick me up and ill go with you...”

“Sure you do whatever you want but just dont expect me to join in im probably gonna be face timing Shawn and Mahogany”

“Ok whatever i just really wanna go because theres gonna be a bunch of youtubers and i cant wait sqeeeeee!!!”

“Ok OK I get it your excited c’mon let go ill drop you off at school, oh yeah we cant be long after school i have alot of video editing for my channel.”

“OK one sec let me get my bag...” she runs to the livving room and throws her bag over her arms.

We walk to school i drop her off and then catch a train to West minister After that it’s a ten minute walk from the train station.

~Skip to the end of the day~

My day at school wasn’t bad it was ok, i didn’t have any friends but i wasn’t too bothered since i’m kinda Introverted. I kept to myself being eyed down here and there by guys. The end of the day rolled around and i went to go pick up my sweet lil sis. I wait for her outside her school gates and she runs to give me a hug. We then walk to A small community center it was packed with girls wearing t-shirts that had the number 97 on them I felt like something wasn’t adding up. I felt a presence a familiar presence a warm loving one. We we waited in line for whatever Tori wanted us to go for. I just stood with her on my phone looking through my social media. I then hear the voice of a young man I look up from my phone and see... Nash... He looked around and we made ye contact, instantly i turned my head and something went off. thats when it hit me “Shit... why the fuck is Nash here... what have i done..” I mutter to myself and before i knew it we were at the front of the line. I covered one of my eyes with my fringe and plastered a smile on my face. Tori screams and hugs him, he didn't notice me standing beside her... i think. she then got him to sign her planner. she then takes a selfie with him and then my sister did the stupidest ever.

“Hey Jaz come take a picture with Nash” She said oblivious to why i was trying to avoid Nash.

“Huhh? I’ll pass...” I shrugged and held her hand tight.

“C’mon let my fix your hair...” She brushed my fringe off my face and neatly tucked it behind my ear.

“T come on let go before mum and da-” I was cut off by Nash.

“Zahra?”

I was silent for 5 seconds straight. I then plastered a smile on my face and said. “Nash.. Long time no see....Ahem. well me and Tori are gonna leave now byeeeee!!!”

“No Zahra wait...” He grabbed my arm.

“What Nash. What do you want im over you.” I felt bad why can’t i just keep my fat gob shut.

“Zahra.... please?” I could hear the same disappointment in his voice from the day i left.

“I’m sorry... i shouldn’t have said that. Here its my Dads card it has my house phone number on it.” I look in my wallet and hand him a card. I then walk away dragging Tori with me. We were only like a block away from home, we both never spoke a word to each other.

“Jazz how does Nash Grier know you?”

“Long story short , I met him when i was fifteen we dated and then I decided it wouldn’t work because long distance relationships were not really my thing.”

“YOU GUYS DATED?! how did you not tell me?!”

“I didnt really think it mattered.”

“Its ok i still love you.” she put on a silly face.

We walked into the house and were hit by a wave of crying coming from baby ace. I go to the living room where i see Cheryl going insane. “Need a little help i think my baby brother missed me.” I take the baby out of her arms and cuddle him, eventually he opens his eyes and smiles. I smile at him and he falls asleep and that smile slowly fades away. The house phone rings and i pick up.

“Hello, This is miss Zahra Korra Marglin speaking who is this?”

“Hey its Nash...”

“Oh. hi.” Ace starts crying.

“Is that a baby?” He asks.

“Yeah one second.” I then focus on my baby brother. “It’s ok Baby Ace I’m here ive got you..” I rock him to sleep.

“Wow that was quick” He sounded like there was something on his ind he really had to get off.

“I’ve been really busy  with school, youtube and my baby brother lately sorry if he cries again.”

“It’s fine... Look Zahra. I still love you.I love everything about you. I dont know why your avoiding me. i just wan to ask you if i’ve  done anything wrong.”

“No. you haven’t done anything wrong. Things are different now. I’m grown up its been three years we’ve drifted apart.” I feel a tear run down my cheek and fall onto Ace’s face.

“You wanted me to leave and thats what i did. What you said to me at the airport before you left. I really thought about it. We crossed paths ii came back give me chance please...”

“Ill think about it. Im gonna go out for a run around Primrose hill. ill call you later bye”

“Bye.”

*Hangs up*

I put Ace down in his baby bouncer and call Tori down to look after him.

“T just look after him i’m gonna go out for a run see ya”

I run out the door before she could give me a response. I started running and then i started walking. I slowed down and started walking around. I was walking past an ally way before a drunk man came and grabbed my by the arm. I Scream for him to let go but the louder i got the tighter his grip became.”Get the fuck o-off me” I then see someone appear and punch the man in the face. The man then Let go and scampered away. I looked up at the mystery guy who was towering over me.  “Wh-Who are you? And why didn’t you just leave me?” The guy took his hood off and revealed The same boy i fell in love with three years ago.

“why would i leave my one and only?” Nash said.

I hugged him tight.

“I knew you’d come back” I whisper to him.

“I could never leave you.”

“Can we go home please its a bit cold...”

I take him home and sneak him up to my room. I didn’t care when i was getting dressed for bed i just Got dressed in front of him.

“Damn your such a tease!” he says laying down on my bed.

“I bet that makes you want me more...” I say a little flirtatious.

“Damn since when did you start talking like that?! I aint complaining”

“I was forced to watch Fifty Shades Of Grey you really dont thing im a changed girl?”

“Who would do that?!”

“Jack G who els? But honestly i don’t care if i undress in front of you. Your my boyfriend arent you?” I give him a smirk.he then gets up and walks behind me wrapping his arms around my waist.

“You dont know how long ive wanted to see you...”

“Babe.. Can we continue. from where we left off 3 years ago.”

“Of course.”

He laid down on the bed and i sat on top of his bare chest and kissed him. we then fell asleep in the arms of one another.

[kyanmaaaa]

start of my dream last night was my mom reorganized my dresser without my permission and she did that by filling the shirt drawer with shoe boxes that had the shirts folded inside. while this makes sense in concept because if u need to get a shirt underneath a nother shirt u can just pick up the shoe box it was still terrible cause i didnt have nearly enough room in the drawer anymore and i also HATED IT, so im just like no no fuck this i need to fix this right now

no shift or transition happened here but now im at a strange school? im just as confused in the dream as that kinda transition would make u feel. its a somewhat narrow brick building with a couple old fashioned cars on the outside, is much larger on the inside but you wouldnt notice it as the hallways feel cramped both by design and because of the assortment of things there. i cant look around much because i, i maybe wasnt where i was suppossed to be? i forgot a lot of the dream since waking up but at this next part a large group of.. “people” is herded out into the hallways, they dont feel right they dont act right and they remind me more of sluggish sheep than humans, moving in a group with faces that just dont express right.

i walked into one and got really freaked out like the “human” was gonna eat me and ran away out of the building, jumping over tables and maybe leaving out a window, ran as far away from the building as i could, now i knew someone would probably force me back but dream me didnt seem to know this? theres a sudden disconnect between myself and my actions in the dream. dream me sits behind a car outside and tries to calm down while im like NO YOU HAVE TO RUN YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THERE

next part of the dream im in a warehouse that feels real fucking haunted, im no longer in control of any of my actions and theres a full disconect between me and dream me. i think ive been here in a dream before but this time there might be undead roaming around and u dont want to get close to the shadowy plants, had a few close calls

at some point i can hear a letsplayer talking over this and its like im watching a game now? with platforming and the player is ignoring coins in favor of going faster, its clear this area of the game is suppossed to be very hard and the player said its a big change in tone compared to the rest of the game, but they breeze through it easily and skip to the boss for the area