#thewitcherkin

[fictionkinfessions]

Happy Mother's day to Yennifer 💙 I miss you dearly, and I know Ciri does too. Hope you have an amazing day!

- #🌕🗡️

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[royalrapscallion]

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[fictionkinfessionsarchived]

Do not toss me anymore coins. I have too many coins. Im drowning in coins. I can't cary all these pennies and dimes, Jaskier. Why would you curse me to this fate you tiny gorgeous musically gifted love of my life bane of my existence bastard. I thought i could trust you. I mean i still do, and always will, but. The coins. I can't keep living like this. Help :(.

[fictionkinfessions]

Grrr English should not be my native language, I *hate* this. The most undignified language I have ever had as my mother tongue, honestly. Even the ones where source content seems to show me speaking English, that was not the case in far more of them than you'd imagine (would you guess that MCU!Loki, shock horror, didn't actually grow up speaking modern English? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I was at least a thousand years old by the time canon events started and while we kept up-to-date on Midgard languages, English was not the language I learned first! My native tongue doesn't exist in this world because Marvel is fucking lazy, it was influenced by old Norse but they were not the same language), and even when it was, I was bilingual from a young age, something I wasn't given the chance to be here (the court bard practically raised me when I was Jaskier, he'd toss me books he had on the Elven language and tell me to come back to him when I could say some esoteric phrase perfectly and explain what it meant with all the proper nuances in my own words because he had Other Shit To Do and they were useless to him, so I learned Elven pretty young). (And I'm sure some people will be very amused to learn that yes, in fact, at least in one instance, Loki and Jaskier are the same person)

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[fictionkinfessions]

It's almost been a year since I've been hit with Witcher kinfeels but... when I tell you I really miss Geralt, and Ciri, and Jaskier, and even Yennifer.... Like I'm in tears right now and I don't know why, but I can half-remember what it felt like to hug the all and hugs mean so much to me in this life so that's the sprinkles on my yearning cake, currently. I never figured out who I am. I have absolutely no idea who I am and who I was to them. But I know who they were to me. They were my family, and I miss them so fucking much I can barely stand it. Geralt's hugs were so warm and firm, as if nothing could ever happen to you while you were there. It was so safe, and invited you to be vulnerable. If you feel apart, that's okay, cause no one would ever know- he'd hold you together until you were strong enough to do it on your own.

Jaskier's hugs were so... Tender. Like a pillow. Perfect for comfort and rest, and if you needed a little cry to cope with everything, he'd pet your hair and let you. If you ended up falling asleep (which I remember doing a few times, I think), he wouldn't wake you.

Yennifer's hugs were... Gosh, is there even a word for it? It felt like love, if that makes sense. They were whatever you needed it to be, even when you didn't know what was that you needed. She truly was a wonderful mother. She'd rug your back or pet your hair, reassure you to cry or tell you to be strong... Truly indescribable, and nothing that could be replicated, I believe.

And Ciri.. hugging Ciri was very much giving and receiving strength and safety. It wasn't ever me hugging her or her hugging me- we always hugged each other. Out of joy, pain, or sadness, we hugged each other. I remember it being that way even as we grew up. We had each other's backs, always, in every way.

Uhhhh anyway! Wasn't planning on going into a hug-ramble, but it was very comforting to talk about, so... maybe it'll bring a little comfort to other Witcher kins out there?

I've been listening to a music box version of Lullaby of Woe lately, and usually only thunderstorms make me sleep that well, lol. I suppose it was only a matter of time before I found myself in this shift again.

- a Witcher kin #🌕🗡️

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[fictionkinfessions]

I miss my dad. It's funny, in this life, I'm a trans man, but I still get the Warm Fuzzies when I hear More Than Anything and feel absolutely no dysphoria (which in turn makes me feel weird about not being dysphoric about having a fictotype who was a woman but that's a whole other Thing), I sing along to my half of it just to feel that little bit closer to him.

It is really interesting to compare that to how I feel about songs like The Last Rose of Cintra (for context, another of my fictotypes is effectively Ciri but FtM so my canon counterpart's name was my deadname, which is really weird especially when I don't know the name I and my grandmother chose for me), which does make me dysphoric, so much so I can't listen to it. Fascinating phenomenon.

Could also have something to do with the singer calling me a girl being my dad versus some random singer (I don't have nearly as much of an issue with The Ride of the Witcher, Jaskier was my uncle so it kind of makes sense with this theory that I'd also have less issue with it, I remember him composing that song with me and in the version I remember, he didn't misgender me), I have fond memories of being my dad's little princess, Idk who that guy who sings The Last Rose of Cintra even is. And even like other people I knew calling me a princess and stuff in the HH songs doesn't really bother me, and again, I knew and mostly cared about them.

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[fictionkinfessions]

Wouldn't it be funny if I wrote a wish fulfilment fanfic where I get to just be a kid with my polyamorous little family in a modern world where maybe Geralt is still a Witcher but he can live in short-term rentals and bring the rest of us along and I don't have to be a prince in the traditional sense because the monarchy is a figurehead symbol and not a true governmental force so there is no knowledge of impending separation from my one and only truly 100% trusted protector looming over me and I can actually be his little apprentice (and maybe they found a way to make adults into Witchers without so much trauma or they let people who haven't been mutated do the job with a mutated uh, supervisor? Companion? Partner?). It'd be so funny, I am so normal about this, the fandom will totally love the modern adventures of Geralt, Yennefer, Jaskier, and their little trans boy child of destiny whose destiny doesn't fucking matter because fuck destiny, they won't be weird about it at all. Just a nice little fluffy slice-of-life piece, people like seeing characters happy! At least that's what I tell myself when "characters" includes me. As I casually hide all the angst I've ever written. Including of characters who are also me. It just feels different when I was a kid, ok.

🌊

[fictionkinfessions]

Geralt understood. Fighting was easy, I felt powerful despite being a tiny scrap of a thing because Geralt taught me the weak spots of any and every creature he could. With a little help from some other Witchers. Geralt was the one who taught me all the ones on the human body, though, and that they roughly worked for elves, too (just in case). But talking to people... There was never any weak spot to memorize, it wasn't internal calculations of where to step and how to move, it was, is, this strange dance of intentions and desires that may be spoken plainly or obfuscated or even outright hidden. You don't get to memorize general targets because there aren't any.

It didn't help that everyone knew my deadname. Doesn't help that it's the one everyone uses now because the canon version of me is a cis girl and I was a trans guy. But if someone wanted to throw me off balance, they knew to use it. He did. I forget his name every time I think of him, it's almost funny. For so long that I was afraid of him, I didn't know who he was or why he was chasing me. The first time he used my real name was when he put his life in my hands. When he submitted to me. That scared me almost more than him trying to kidnap me. I couldn't look away from him, but I wanted to look to Geralt, so I pictured him, but all I could see in my mind's eye was Geralt watching me, waiting for me to decide.

To any and every Geralt out there who ever had a child of destiny, know that someone treasures you. That someone looked to you enough to think of you in their most desperate moments after having met you. None of us were probably particularly easy for you to look after, but I have faith that all of you did your best. And I know for me, mine was the best father figure I'd ever had. Which I'm sure some of the fandom would probably be furious with me for saying (I am a little sorry to Mousesack, he did all he could to be there for me, my Geralt just had the advantage of circumstance), but it's true. Jaskier was more like an uncle, but a very close and very good uncle.

🛀

[fictionkinfessions]

The fact that canon basically forgot about my hands the moment Yen saved me really hurts. Like, canon basically goes "yeah Jaskier was tortured but it was only a little so he's all good now", NO, I wasn't "all good", I hurt, my fingers hurt, they were burned, like, actually burned, like, in need of actual medical attention which I did not get IN JAIL. Because we're not talking about modern jails where people think that's a human right, also I did everything I could to hide that I was injured because those fuckers were hardly any better than firefucker, they just lacked magic and a reason to torture me. They absolutely would've done it for fun if they knew I was already "weak". And then it was Geralt, and at the time, I didn't trust him. Besides, part of me that still loved him (and let's be honest, it's still there even now, still loving him) didn't want him to blame himself. So I said it was fine. I lied, ok? I fucking lied. I had nightmares for years after. About what happened and about what could have happened if Yen hadn't shown up.

Yennefer, darling, from the very bottom of my heart, thank you. You risked your own life because you suspected something bad happened to me, and you were right. You hold no blame in my hand-injury-related anger, we were a little busy running away when I could have told you and you had no reason to notice at that moment. Geralt, on the other hand, should have noticed. And maybe I should have told him, potential guilt be damned.

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[fictionkinfessions]

I'm glad I don't recall all of my prior full name. I will never learn it again. I was Jaskier, not fucking "Julian" or whatever, sure, my parents gave me that stupid name (and apparently some fanfic writers write Geralt using it in very private and personal moments and that is just wrong, so wrong, so very, very wrong), but it wasn't my name. It was just the name that was slapped on me and they expected me to live up to it. Well, I didn't. What a disappointment I was. And all the better for it.

📦

[fictionkinfessions]

I liked seeming delicate and not actually being delicate underneath everything. I chose my clothes so they hid my muscles, but does anyone really think someone who traveled with a Witcher- any Witcher, but particularly Geralt- wouldn't be at least somewhat competent? Beyond that, I was a traveling bard, do you have any idea how many bandits foolishly thought every bard was rich? And they didn't exactly take kindly to "I barely have two coins to rub together and nothing I own is worth a damn to you". They wouldn't have known the worth of a bar of soap if it were counted in gold right before their eyes, and nice clothes weren't exactly worth much when already tailored to someone else (they could be re-tailored but that was its own cost, reducing the price, and if the person was larger than me, well, that's no good, is it). So out came the swords, daggers, clubs, whatever they fancied, and I didn't always have Geralt around to defend me. But when I did, I liked the fantasy of being his helpless bard who needed him. I also liked being underestimated. Being unintimidating. You learn more when you look like your sword is just an ornament on your belt than you do looking like a threat. People don't pay any mind to the "drunken bard" who looks like a strong wind could pick him up and carry him away. Perhaps someday, I can be like that again, though I likely won't be able to carry a sword on my belt very often. How sad.

📦

[fictionkinfessions]

I was a werewolf, and she called me a puppy. To be fair, I absolutely was one, but she was literally the only person brave enough to say it (ok, Geralt probably wasn't afraid to say it so much as he wasn't really that sort, and Ciri just never really thought about it most likely, gods I hope she didn't because that would have been awkward, but still) so Yen, here's to you. I may have said some harsh things about you in the past, but that was always our dynamic, wasn't it? The flamboyant bisexual werewolf bard and the terrifying probably pansexual witch who were both in love with the oblivious Witcher and had to figure out whatever was going on between us before we could get him on the same page as us. I did genuinely love you as well.

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[fictionkinfessions]

How utterly fucked is it that I genuinely would rather go back to lives where I had to fight and kill to survive than continue with this one. Like, sure, maybe my fingers got burnt to shit by a probably unstable firefucker (again, Yennefer's nickname for him was so much better than mine) and repeatedly risked my life for someone who barely even thanked me, but at least I could make progress on things without constantly being told to wait between every half-step. Of course it sucked to find out everything I thought I knew about myself was effectively built on a lie that my father- who was not my bio-father- told me and to have two different memories of killing my bio-father because of timeline fuckery of unknown origins, but at least I could go wherever I pleased and wasn't trapped in a country that thinks it's "the best" while actively killing people via starvation wages and a lack of accessible healthcare. Yes, having to hide that my soulmate was the prince and later king, and that I had magic, on pain of death in both cases, was awful and I probably had a lot of trauma from watching the man who really should have been my father-in-law say that people like me (not that he knew I was like that but still) should be put to death and now knowing that it was because of his own fucking stupidity and arrogance thinking he could just use magic to bring a life into the world and wouldn't have to balance anything (seriously, how stupid can someone be), but I had someone who I absolutely knew cared about me even when he pretended not to and would actually really make an effort for me not because he had to or felt obligated to but because he genuinely cared about me. We're not touching the one where I hunted monsters for a living, that one was objectively worse than anything this world can throw at me just from my time in Hell alone, that one I would not go back to, I love my Sammy but that one is over and I would not undo that for love nor money (I say knowing that if he showed up and asked, I probably would go with him, because I can't say no to my Sammy). But really... That's the only one I can think of that I wouldn't want to go back to. And I just have to grieve that I can't go back to any of them and I have to stick it out in this shitty world trying to move to a place that's less shitty. At least it's funny that Dean Winchester wants to move to Norway, right? Also probably funny that Dean Winchester and fucking Jaskier are the same person but that's neither here nor there.

📦

[fictionkinfessions]

I've said it before and I'll say it again, as a Jaskier kin, I love bard jokes. Heard one today, started the *deep breath and raising hand dramatically* thing, and just burst out laughing because wow, that's such a Bard Thing Of Me To Do.

The joke? That we don't make decisions. Which... (*looks at the Big Decision I'm Procrastinating Making*) Yeah fair. Decisions are hard, lounging in the tavern is... Ok, also surprisingly hard when "lounging" becomes "performing" but not as hard as making decisions. Where is my Geralt to decide for me? I can't say I won't complain about his decisions but I never said I'd make better ones. Gods know my history is and was a mess. I need direction, I am a bard, not a decision-maker! The universe already stripped me of my musical talent, how much crueler does it intend to be?

🐸

[fictionkinfessions]

I barely left his side while he was injured. When I was a werewolf, I was often shifted not because I didn't trust the people caring for him (I did) but because I knew he felt better when I was (my fur was very soft, I'm sure if you asked him, he'd have pointed out my very sharp teeth and claws, ability to crush armor, and incredible senses, but he liked touching my fur). He pulled out some of my fur when the druids and later Yen worked on healing him, I know he felt bad for it but honestly, it hurt a lot less than the healing he was undergoing did and I was just happy to help.

I was ravenous for days because it took so much energy just to exist like that, but I didn't mind sleeping on an empty stomach for him. I'd done it before, what's one more time? Or ten more, I didn't really count. He told me to go hunt once, I did but it was a very brief hunt. I lied to him, told him I caught a nice big buck and filled my belly, but I actually caught a particularly stupid wild boar and while it was nice, it didn't quite fill me. But I didn't want to go too far, the larger animals didn't get close to the druids' camp. I think he knew and realized I was just as stubborn as he was so he didn't send me away again. Don't get me wrong, the druids fed me, but they weren't really prepared to feed a werewolf who was barely in human form for 10 minutes in any given day. It was more once he was up and moving around and practicing with his sword again (I did shift back for that, he was busy and had his sword, plus he was excellent inspiration for my songs if I ignored the way my heart twisted painfully when I saw him struggling). I think a few of the elves and such were afraid I'd go feral and eat them but I barely even bared my teeth at any of them.

Do I owe Radovid an apology? Maybe. Am I still a little mad at him? Yes, absolutely yes, but... Well, I suppose it wasn't nearly as much on him as I thought it was back then. I said "no", not "maybe". He said he would do whatever he could to prove himself to me anyway. I thought it was another lie. Now, I'm not so sure. Perhaps my Radovid wasn't the absolute worst. He still betrayed me and my family, but well... Maybe he was more a pawn than a king.

[fictionkinfessions]

I desperately miss such small things. The way Geralt would look at me when I started up That Song (♩ Toss a coin to your Witcher, oh Valley of Plenty ♩), it was... Almost annoyance. But ever so slightly, he was suppressing a smile. I think. I'm pretty sure it was a smile, I mean, it's hard to tell with the whole brooding thing but he seemed to appreciate it eventually. After I told him that I had tried writing songs like what he would have wanted, the truth of the situation, and no one listened. They all just wanted stories of fornication, of glory, of treasure, of romance... And even then, when any of it goes out of the norm, out of what is deemed acceptable, the bard is the one who suffers for singing it. Geralt was far, far from the first (or last) to punch me for my words. But he was the most justified in doing so. Most were just annoyed that my song upset them or their delicate sensibilities.

Ah, and the way he said my name! That deep, dark voice barking "Jaskier", whether in annoyance, worry, or just... Because. It's just a damned shame the games are in 3rd-person POV, I would love to play through his adventures myself but I absolutely cannot get into a game if it's not in 1st-person POV. Ah well, the Netflix show that tossed me headfirst into this kinshift for the very first time will have to be good enough when I miss my Witcher.