#they always somehow manage to solve in the last 25 minutes or so though ^_^

[jonjordanforrealz]

12 Years Is a Long Time

September 29th is my son Arron’s 11th birthday – a cause for celebrating for sure, and a time for this parent, as most parents do, to ponder aloud, “How in the hell did that go so fast?” For me, sentimental sap that I am, birthdays are always a time for reflection too.

In doing so this morning, I was, of course, reminded that September 29th is also the anniversary of my brother Michael’s passing. A year to the day before Arron came into this world, Mikey left it. 12 years ago today. That’s gone a different kind of so fast itself.

I’ve talked about my brother’s death many times over the years and it never bothers me to do so. Most of the time, it makes me happy just to talk about him at all. To be remembered is to be loved and he certainly is in both instances. But I don’t think I’ve ever really shared much publicly about his last day.

And I need to let it go.

Who knows? Maybe something like this can help somebody.

For 12 years, I’ve carried the weight of that day and never really faced it or dealt with it. And I’m tired. It’s heavy and I’m tired. And to fulfill my final promise to Mikey, actually, I need to get rid of it, once and for all.

Following a lifetime of major medical issues and severe mental and physical handicaps, and doing all he could over the course of his 25 years to beat the odds and somehow conquer and survive one and all, Michael would meet his match in the form of an internal bleeding issue that just couldn’t be solved.

A kid like Mikey, who couldn’t really communicate outside of very basic emotions, had no way of conveying to doctors what anything felt like, where it hurt, how long something had been bothering him, and so on and so forth. So oftentimes, things got worse, sometimes as bad as they possibly could get, before anyone could even get anywhere close to figuring out what the hell was going on. And in his final chapter, this reality first led to him being transported to be treated by specialists in Tampa, and then ultimately, to our family’s greatest test. That we were so conveniently able to face that final decision together thanks to his relocation to my neck of the woods was a stroke of luck that I don’t think anyone appreciated until years later.

Michael’s bleeding issue just wasn’t going away no matter what the doctors tried. Not to cheapen the matter, but I think someone likened it to plugging a hole in a hose with your finger, only to have another open shortly thereafter. At some point, you run out of fingers. And so, we were faced with two choices: An exploratory and very invasive surgery that guaranteed nothing or a nonsurgical Hail Mary that was every bit the final hope. My parents encouraged me to speak freely and honestly in that days-long conversation and as I recall, my opinion never wavered, though of course, I respected and understood their agonizing back-and-forth.

To me, this kid had already been through so much, literally since Day 1. Countless major surgeries and painful procedures that would absolutely hammer (and maybe finish) most “regular” people were the worst of the lot. Other concessions over time – simple things like eating and drinking normally – also took a toll, I’m sure, as every human needs simple joys.

Throughout his last ordeal, there had already been several procedures, and in my eyes, he didn’t need more of that. With the proposed surgery highly likely to kill him anyway, I didn’t see the justification to put him through that sort of torture again. I didn’t want that to be his way to go out. As his closest advocate, because “brothers” means something more that those who don’t have can know, I knew he didn’t want that to be his way to go out either.

Instead, I argued, that through the non-invasive course of treatment, while the odds of that working were stacked heavily against him, this put the ball in his court. This made it so that he could fight, if he wanted to. For a kid who rarely had the chance to call his shot at any time in his life, this was that. “Scrap if you want to, kid,” I thought. “If anyone can beat the odds one more time, it’s you.” And if not, I thought he had that right too. And I wanted to fight for that. This time, I wanted to fight for his right to fight. Or not.

And so, with my parents on board, we gave him his shot, and at first, true to form, the kid was responding positively. Amazed yet unsurprised, we carried on with some hope for the first time in seemingly forever … and then everything just tanked. Quickly.

I’d prepared for this my whole life. And I had thought I had been stepping into this moment already time and time before. But I wasn’t nervous. I felt a sense of urgency, after getting the call, because I wanted to be with him but I wasn’t nervous or scared. Something that always comforted me was a belief that if anyone ever deserved a peaceful end, it would be Mikey. Once we were faced with the grave news, the doctor assured that as they stopped doing whatever they had been doing to treat him, and focused on making him comfortable, that he would indeed get that peaceful transition. And I know in the medical world that nothing is ever guaranteed but I really believed it. I believed in that. It’s all I wanted, then, knowing that there was no winning this last fight.

But it didn’t go down like that. His last day wasn’t, at first, peaceful at all. It was prolonged. And there were gasps and groans. At one point, a seizure. And I was mad. I was so mad.

At the same time, I knew what it was, really. This kid’s will to fight just doesn’t go away. It’s funny because from the very beginning, one of the things he was diagnosed with was some syndrome called Failure to Thrive. Fuck that.

When the worst moments hit, and I watched my brother and my family suffering, I didn’t feel mad anymore. I just felt like I had to do something.

There’s a picture that I have of my brother and I in bed. I was maybe 10 and he, six. We shared a room at that time and when my mom or dad would come in to get us up, if I was being a bum and still laying there and we had somewhere to be, they’d plop Mikey right in my bed next to me. That always got me up. Nothing like an eye poke or swift kick from the kid who “couldn’t control his movements” to start your day – accompanied, of course, by his trademark giggle.

That little shit … It’s still my favorite picture in the world.

In those final moments, I just crawled as far into his hospital bed as I could to lay next to him, just like we did on those mornings as kids, and I whispered to him, “It’s okay. You don’t have to fight anymore. We’re going to be okay.”

You see, I’d often wondered, when I was very young, why he pulled through so many things that most people wouldn’t. After all, I’d always noticed people bitching and moaning about the stupidest things (oh, contemporary America!), wandering around aimlessly in perpetual woe-is-me mode. If anyone should have ever just said, “Screw this!” and checked out, Michael should have. But he had us. And we, him. He pretty much defined us, really, for better or worse. I felt like there was at least a little something in him that told him he needed to stick around for us. And I just wanted him to know that we would be okay if he couldn’t anymore.

Within minutes, things calmed down. His breathing slowed. The stupid machines making noise start doing so more sporadically. And then, before we knew it, it was over. That was it. The end.

I remember lots of hugs and tears and one of many goodbyes to come. And then we said thank you to some staff members – really a symbolic thank you, from me at least, to so many over the years. To people in the medical field, I look at you as I do teachers, and that is in the highest regard, having intimately known both worlds, whether I wanted to or not.

I remember going outside and nobody saying very much.

I remember sitting down at a table.

And then I remember saying, “Well, what do we do now?” I don’t think I ever quite figured out what to do. A purpose I’d always had was now gone.

Of course, in the coming days and weeks, we had plenty to do – plenty of the mind-numbing, gut-wrenching things you have to do to prepare for a loved one’s final arrangements and all that. I took on a lot more of the sort than I ever had at that time because I felt like my parents shouldn’t have to, so I was distracted by productivity. But soon after that, I don’t remember anything. Don’t remember his funeral. Don’t remember leaving my parents and coming back home. Don’t remember going back to work. Sports, friends, events … nothing.

Truly, I think I completely lost a year. I don’t remember a lot at all about the time in between Mikey’s death and Arron’s birth. And then the latter happened and it was like the pause button I’d pushed on life had been pushed again, whether I was ready or not.

And while I was obviously happy to be a dad for the second time, I was also still hurting, which I must have forgotten about too in that year prior. And again, I was mad. I was so mad.

In the years since, that anger lingered, because if you don’t hit something head-on, it doesn’t just go away. Anger leads to hurt, fear, panic, anxiety, a defensive existence, and isolation. I’ve experienced it all and I wouldn’t wish any of it on my worst enemy. I’ve distanced myself, I’ve been checked out and I’ve lashed out, retreated within and pushed people away. It has caused me problems in every element of my life at one time (or more) or another.

None of it is any excuse and it’s a lot for which to apologize over a long period of time but if my suffering has ever caused any sort of suffering for anyone reading this, I am sorry.

(Note: I’m still going to enjoy my space and my distance more than most people but, overall, I can be better!)

I feel like some of this might be a surprise to people because I don’t show it, hardly ever. I’ve gotten good at projecting this version of myself at any time, regardless of what’s really going on. I even manage to have and to be a good time, probably a bit too often influenced by some additives I’ve grown fond of over the years. But there are times when all of that is just masking a wreck. And it has to stop.

I don’t know why I’m shedding this now other than that I need to – because it can’t go on forever. I haven’t come close to being the best version of myself and I have people around me who deserve nothing less than that. What better time than now if I’m finally recognizing that, at times, I haven’t been good? And at my worst, I haven’t even been okay.

And the bottom line is that I promised my little brother, as he left us 12 years ago, that I would be.

I’ll never let go of him. He’s on my arm and in my heart and I hear his voice – especially that laugh! – every single day.

But I’m letting go of that day.

12 years is a long time.

It’s been heavy.

And I’m tired.

And I have to be okay.

[paradoxguild679]

Life Changing Experience

Prologue: 

Chloe is seventeen. She has black hair brown eyes and a small set of B-Cup breasts. She excels in school and she has many people that love and respect her. Chloe was always seen as nice, helpful and extremely kind. Chloe always had a love for the world of entertainment but has one terrible flaw, she is incredibly shy. She loves the field of acting and talk shows, she even has fantastic ideas, but never put them out their due to her shyness. For this reason, she has also yet to find a boyfriend. She would love to solve both problems but, she never could find a way to get past her shyness. One day, while going to an event of a webstar that Chloe greatly appreciates, she was about to walk up to have him sign something but, she then runs away and hides behind a column far from everyone. While running away, a woman in her 30s noticed Chloe and decided to follow her. “Excuse me young lady? Is everything alright?” Chloe only nodded as she was still in her moment of anxiety, the woman then cocked an eyebrow, “Are you sure? You look as if someone is trying to kill you.” “Y.. yes, I was j.. just about to get my poster signed when I just was too shy to go up there and meet him.” “Oh, you poor thing. I once was like you but, I’ll tell you what. Take this camera and start practicing making videos with it.” “*sniff* How will a video camera help me become less shy?” “Oh, it’s a special camera. Trust me, you start making videos with this and I promise you, that shyness will be a thing of the past.” The woman hands Chloe the camera, “Thank you so much miss…” as Chloe was putting the camera in her bag the woman had disappeared. “That was odd but, I have had enough public exposure for today, I’m going home.” While back at home, Chloe was trying her best to figure out what videos to make before opening the camera. She was more of a writer than a video maker, then she got the idea of making video logs. While trying to figure out how to use the video camera she notices a note on the screen after turning it on. The note stated, “To go back, just push the reset button” She had no idea what that meant but she started to record in her room, talking about herself and her passions. After a total of 40 minutes of her talking she finally watched it over and realized she doesn’t like. Chloe then deletes the video and falls asleep. 

Day 1: 

After Chloe wakes up she notices that, besides feeling slightly taller for some reason, nothing much else has changed. However, she cannot find her backpack for the life of her. [Damnit, where the hell is my bag?] Chloe thought. She then notices a bag in the corner of her room that she does not recognize. When she goes over to it she finds nothing but notes inside. “Hey mom, I’m ready to go to Gregland!” Chloe screams downstairs to her mom. “Oh, don’t you be a smart-ass with me young lady! Take your car and go to University or you’ll be late.” [Huh? Why would she tell me to get ready to go to college classes? Last I checked I was over a year away from graduating High School.] Chloe then grabs her wallet and checks her ID; she then sees that she is now 20 years old. [Oh my God! What the hell is going on?! How am I 20 now?! Did that camera have something to do with it? I wonder what else it can do?] “Chloe! NOW!” “Okay mom.” Chloe then steps in the car and somehow knows what to do and where to go. After she arrives at University, she then notices it is the Medical School that was her first choice. “HOLY SHIT! I can’t believe it! Not only am I now going to college. I’m at my first choice! Well, my mom’s first choice. I would’ve preferred to study in the entertainment industry. But, thanks to my shyness I couldn’t speak up to my mom and chose what she would have wanted.” Chloe then takes a look at her diary that she kept in her dashboard and confirms what she already knew. However, she did find that she had top notch grades in all of her courses and even found that she got a full ride because of her grades from high school. After making it into class just before the professor took role she discovered today was one of the last days to study for the final in her courses, Chloe knew she would have to study hard in order to pass the course with flying colors. When Chloe returned home, she found that her pajamas where missing. Chloe then asked her mom where they ended up and was told that her father has left for the whole week to work. “And I know that when he isn’t here you just love to walk around in nothing but your bra and panties.” Of course, Chloe was incredibly embarrassed and would usually never do that. However, since she didn’t want to sleep in her clothes she decide to give it a shot and finds that she feel extremely comfortable in nothing but her underwear. Chloe then walks up to her room and begins to study. While doing what she does best, Chloe couldn’t help but having her focus come back to the camera. [Well, I guess making another video won’t hurt, besides I can take a short break.] She then decides that instead of getting dressed that, since she’ll more than likely never post this and that the reality changes are over, she could just record in her bra and panties. While recording, she finds that she feels more comfortable and fluid in her vlog. And after looking the video over, she likes it but, will obviously never post a thing like that. After all, she’s still to shy to present herself for an audition, who knows what shame she would try to post a video in which she is half naked. 

Day 2: 

Chloe wakes up in a completely different room and panics. She then looks around the place and discovers that she’s in a small apartment and is completely alone. She then rushes to read her diary: the day and year are exactly the same as it should be. Except for one thing, the day that Chloe started University, she also decided to be more independent. She got an apartment not too far from the university and even got a job as a bartender in a simple place. As an alarm goes off, she discovers that she has an hour to get around and start her day at work. When she opens her closet after taking a shower, she notices that her clothes do not fit what her previous style was. Instead, the clothes are all tight fitting and revealing clothing. Her shirts all showed her naval, tops that showed her shoulders, very short jeans and miniskirts. “There is now way I am wearing any of this shit!” Chloe’s phone then goes off as she now is running the risk of being late for work. So, Chloe then forces herself to wear something that doesn’t feel like it was too revealing. As, she looks at herself in the mirror she does think that the clothes are much prettier than her normal ones even if they are mostly revealing. Chloe then heads off to work as a bartender. She manages to be very kind to everyone but, is often embarrassed by many guys and even some girls claiming how hot and sexy she was dressed like that. Chloe had never been so embarrassed before in her life yet, she also felt odd by the experience as well. When she returned home she took off her shirt and pants, as usual. “God today was probably the single worst day I had in my life. However, I also feel like I should…” Chloe’s eyes leered towards the video camera. For whatever reason, she desperately wanted to make a video about her day. In fact, she began to feel horny by just thinking about it. She then starts recording and talks about her day and grows more excited as she does. Then at her peak level of horniness, she stops talking and begins to masturbate. Chloe had never done this before in her life but, it feels incredible. She then stops recording after she came. While looking over the video, she turns red. Instead of deleting it, Chloe deicides to keep it, without publishing it of course. She doesn’t know why but she was proud of it. She then decided to get some sleep as she shut the camera off.

Day 3: 

Chloe proceeds to wake up in the same apartment. Nothing seems to have changed, except for one thing: the bed where she sleeps is no longer a twin but a king size bed. She doesn’t know why the bed changed but, she looks in her journal. She notices that many pages are gone. It goes to the day she started college but, the day is different. After reading, Chloe finds out that she never started university out of her pursuit to be working in front of a camera but does not specify what because her mother would never approve. After reading these words, Chloe tries to remember the lecture she had yesterday but finds nothing, she can’t even remember the name of her professor. In the diary she also sees that she found an apartment and she is trying to in every-way to overcome the specimens, but in the meantime has found a job to practice, yet there are no written details. At one point her phone rings and she sees that her mother is calling. “Hey mom.” “Hey sweetie, when are you coming home to start university?” “I don’t really feel up to it mom. Don’t worry though, I found a job.” “Oh really? And what’s that?” “A maid.” Chloe blurted out as a lie. “Oh, and what all do you do?” “Fuck off mom.” Chloe then immediately hangs up. She’s shaking from being so nervous but also feels great. [Holy shit! I have never spoke to my mother that way. But goddamn did it feel great! That cunt totally deserved it. Making me choose a career that I never fucking wanted. Oh my god, what am I thinking? I need to press that reset button.] Just as Chloe reaches out for that button, she hears a knock on her door. “Oh-em-gee, who the like, fuck is that?” She then opens the door to find a 25-year old guy who she had never met before. Even though that was the case she let him in, and she didn’t know why. The guy tells her that he couldn’t afford the full job and can only give her about $56. [Oh, he must be like, referring to one of my scripts.] Chloe then looks down and notices his erection in his pants. [OH MY GOD! This douchebag has a fucking boner! I should kick his ass out of here…] Instead of doing what she was thinking her body does something else, her body turns on the camera and hits record. After turning it on Chloe strips as she proceeds to take out the man’s cock and give him a blowjob. While doing the deed, Chloe begins to struggle on how to take what’s going on. [What the fuck am I doing. I mean I seem to be a pro at this, and it feels fucking amazing. No! What am I thinking? Oh god, I think he’s about to cum. Why am I getting off on this?] As the man cums, Chloe for the first time gets to experience the delicious majesty that is semen running down her throat. She had never tried it before, but now she wants even more. Chloe then gets up, licking her lips, and approaches the camera saying, “Nothing tastes better than this. Trust me.” Then she turns off the camera. After the man leaves, Chloe is shocked because that was her first oral sex experience. Originally, she would have never done such a thing… and she loved the hell out of it. Chloe then understood she needed to press the reset. After she does it a message pops up on the screen and says: “Reset will only work after the events of the last recording have happened.” “Fuck it,” Chloe states “I’m going to bed.” 

Day 4: 

Chloe wakes up and sees nothing has changed around her in her room. She doesn’t have the time to properly wake up as she receives a video call from her mother. At first she’s nervous to accept the call, as of where they left off. Chloe then accepts the call and braces for a long, yelling lecture from her mother. “Hey sweetheart, how are you doing? Are things going okay?” “Yeah mom, things are totally fine?” Chloe says confused. “You aren’t like mad at me?” “Well, I cannot say that I’m happy with your choices so far but, I’m not mad at you, no. Why? Should I be?” “No! I mean no. I just guess I can have some blonde moments.” “Speaking of which, did you dye your hair?” “What are you like, talking about mom? This is totally my natural color.” Oh sweetie. Did I call you too early in the morning? You’re being really silly; we both know your natural hair color is blonde. Stop kidding around, did you dye your hair or not?” “Look, mom I’ve got to go…” “Oh did you finally get a job?” “I’ll tell you like, tomorrow. It’ll be a umm… what’s the like word?” “Surprise?” “Oh like, duh. Yeah a surprise mommy. I’ll call you tomorrow. Bye.” Chloe then hangs up not feeling well as she runs to a mirror and see her once raven black hair become sun ray blonde and branch out to her ass as it and her thighs begin to bubble up and expand. After her small changes, she ran over to her diary, where almost nothing is written, and discovers that she had dropped out at 4th grade after she was rejected, only to have found the possibilities for her dream job at the age of 19 and to have arrived in the apartment for her to be able to achieve it. Her dream job was always to write scripts and communicate with people on talk shows, but how could she do that without a diploma? Suddenly, Chloe got a notification from What’s App. It was many positive replies. She texts her friend what do they mean, and her friend sends her the link: Chloe almost screams as her blowjob video was uploaded yesterday on Pornhub and made well over 100,000 views overnight. It was the same in the video from yesterday except she had the long, blonde hair and the thicc thighs and ass. Chloe then understood; the camera was turning her into a porn star. “Shit! When I meant I wanted to be less shy, I couldn’t even fathom this!” Chloe decided to get some fresh air (in the same skimpy clothes she had from yesterday) and goes to drink in a bar. While in her wallowing self-disgust, a guy comes up to flirt with her. Initially, Chloe wants to refuse but, she instead begins to accept the man’s advances as they both run into a bathroom to have a quick fuck. She feels great! It was the best feeling Chloe had ever had in her whole life. After their sexcapade, the guy attempts to ask for her number, but Chloe instead quickly runs back to her apartment. She really did want to have more sex, but she immediately decides to press the reset button, fighting with herself. She then presses the button and click on the “First Phase: Body, Personality, and Clothing” option. Then everything goes back to normal. Her hair changes back with her clothes becoming her normal closed off style. Even her thoughts return to normal, she wasn’t thinking about constant sexual pleasure. Unfortunately, her shyness comes back at full force, Chloe almost crying for what all she did before. Chloe is ready to go back to being her shy and quiet self, having regained her old identity. Then she starts to think about one thing: She would never want to become a porn star however… she remembers that in the moments she had sex and published the video, she finally felt satisfied with herself by destroying her shyness. Chloe didn’t want to go bankrupt and lose all of her dreams because of her extreme shyness. [Is it possible that I always need a camera to fight it? I mean after-all pornography is a form of entertainment. And it is infinitely loads better than being shy… No! It must be to prove something else.] Chloe then turns on the camera and begins vlogging. This time she uploads it to YouTube. Later that afternoon, Chloe receives several glowing and positive comments on her approach in the video. She finally gained her self-confidence and is ready to press the reset again. Chloe remembers now that she can’t use the camera if the last recording doesn’t take place first. This time, Chloe isn’t scared, she is convinced that nothing can change her mind, whatever the effect. 

Day 5: 

Chloe wakes up to see nothing has changed in her apartment. She immediately gets up to activate the camera but, begins to feel strange and heads to the bathroom. She looks in the mirror to see her breasts grow in to natural D-Cup with her bras all adjusting to them. Her hair changes back into the long, flowing blonde hair it was before along with her face changing to becoming sexier than before. In fact, her whole-body changes into a hot body that any man would lust after. Chloe is surprised to see what she has become, and she loves it. While looking at herself in the mirror, her head becomes filled with memories of last night, she had heavy sex with a guy from a bar she met. Just thinking about it makes her masturbate. [I have to press the reset again. But, this feels so good and what about the talk shows? What about the experience on stage as enjoyable as her new job?] “And why would we like, ever go back to that like, lame, nerdy little loser of a body when we have this totally hot as fuck piece of ass right here?!” Chloe exclaimed while smacking her ass making it jiggle like Jell-O. She then found in her diary that she had fun picking on other girls who were less cute than her in High School. She also found the experiences on stage were a waste of time. Chloe then understood that the camera didn’t just change her physical appearance, but her personality as well. She became a total stuck-up bitch. [I should go back, this isn’t me. Oh, really? Well, like, weather it is or isn’t us, I like this one better. We were so totally useless as that little shy nerd. Now, we’re a like fucking force to be reckoned with! We do what we want, when we totally want, no matter who gets in my way.] Chloe has lost who she once was as her new self, had taken over. “Now, I need to find myself a morning fuck. I’m gonna go scout the bar! I’m gonna get my ass rammed good and publish the video after doing it. Goodbye shy Chloe-bear, hello sexy ass bitch Chloe!”

[doctorsgirl262]

Ranking (Almost all) of the Nancy Drew Games

Literally no one asked for this, but I thought it’d be really fun to rank and give my opinion on each of the games. I’m biased towards a fair share of the games since they were the ones that I played growing up. **I have yet to complete 5 of the games (I know, blasphemy) but I’m not going to rank them since I don’t have any opinion on them. This includes: Stay Tuned For Danger, Ransom of the Seven Ships, and Labyrinth of Lies. I am also not including the dossier games. I also want to stress that I don’t dislike any of the games.

*EDIT: I am updating this last to add the Captive Curse and the Final Scene which I just finished within the last 2 days, so this is a re-post of my other post. (6/3/2020). I can’t run Stay Tuned for Danger on my computer, so it probably won’t ever make it on my list unless I watch someone’s play-through of it. I’ve heard bad things about Ransom of the Seven Ships, so I’m hesitant to buy the game and play it, but maybe I’ll get to it at some point this summer. I would like to buy the Labyrinth of Lies sometime soon, but I have to wait to get paid to be able to play. So, for the time being, they will continue to stay off of my list. I hope you enjoy my list!

31. Secrets Can Kill (Remastered): This game is okay, it’s not my favorite. I like the fact that Nancy is trying to solve a murder. But I feel like all the characters are kinda bland and really aren’t all that memorable, and neither are the games. I also found the hidden clues in the posters to be a bit challenging, so overall, I’m not a huge fan of the game.

30. Tomb of the Lost Queen: I loved the idea, but it wasn’t really memorable to me. I enjoyed it enough when I played it, but have absolutely no desire to play again. But I do like the Egyptian history that we see in this game.

29. Midnight in Salem: Honestly, not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. But by no means is it good. I didn’t hate it while playing, but it was missing a lot of what the games normally have. It felt dull and kinda boring, and the plot just didn’t feel totally cohesive. But, I look forward to playing more games in the future, even if it means waiting another 4 years. I will admit though that the mechanics were seriously lacking. I hated having to drag the screen up and down to search for clues, and the way moving worked kinda was abrupt and sudden. But, I’m realllllly digging the updated looks for the Hardy Boys.

28. Trail of the Twister: Kinda boring, kinda not. I don’t really care about tornadoes at all, so it was boring to learn about them and having to be part of the team. But I did enjoy the underlying mystery about selling secrets and such, and I liked most of the characters.

27. The Shattered Medallion: It’s an interesting game, but I’m not a huge fan of it. Nancy and George (and Bess) being on a reality tv show is an interesting concept, but I like the concepts where there is true mystery and danger to be found as Nancy delves deeper. The puzzles were fun, but not super memorable. I think it’s a fun game to play once, but I have absolutely no desire to play it again.

26. Message in a Haunted Mansion: I haven’t played this one in years, but I remember being terrified of it when I did. Finding the creepy note and then almost having the house burn down always scared me, and the fact that there was a “ghost” haunting the place didn’t help. I think it’s an enjoyable game, but it doesn’t have the same replay-ability as some of the other games do.

25. Secret of the Scarlet Hand: I love history, I really do. However, I found that this game was just a tad bit too boring with how much history it had in it. I enjoyed getting to learn about Mayan culture, but the fact that the mystery doesn’t really occur until half way through the game was just kinda a killer for me. The puzzle weren’t my favorite either.

24. The Haunted Carousel: I had a really hard time playing this one, but that has nothing to do with the game itself. I have a fear of oceans and sharks, so sometimes I had a hard time getting through puzzles. The puzzles weren’t my favorite, but I think the plot was interesting, with Joy remembering her past and the amusement park.

23. The Creature of Kapu Cave: I think it was really cool that we had the opportunity to play as the Hardy Boys in this game. I think it was an interesting plot overall, but I got bored sometimes. I also hated Quiggly, she was rude and annoying towards Nancy and it just frustrated me to no end.

22. The Final Scene (New) :  I’m not gonna lie, this game really made me realize how helpful the task list is. I was so confused for the first like 25 minutes because 1) I somehow managed to not meet Nicholas for ages 2) It took me looking for a hint on the internet to realize there was a whole other area where Joseph was. There were a few things that I honestly just didn’t pick up on, and the characters definitely weren’t my favorite, but the whole plot really had me on the edge of my seat. I got really nervous at the end and it was a nice change of pace. I liked the danger that came with this mystery a lot. I liked the idea of Houdini being involved in the theater and that whole magic plot, but I never got the package that seemed really important?? Either way, I think it was an enjoyable game, but the characters were lacking.

21. Curse of Blackmoor Manor: The game had a creepy feel to it, but I feel like the end of the game was a real let down. There was so much plot throughout the game, and there was the “curse” that Nancy learned about, and it just seemed to come to an abrupt ending.

20. Ghost Dogs of Moon Lake: I think this game is interesting. The speakeasy was a really cool aspect of the game, and I enjoyed that it was a bit of a darker game. But I think the puzzles were fun and interesting and it was an enjoyable game.

19. Ghost of Thornton Hall: I love the atmosphere of this game, with it taking place in the South with ghosts. I love the history that was involved in the game, and the whole plot revolving around Charlotte and her death/murder. I like the dark route the game took, compared to some of the other games. It’s one of the few games that give me the chills.

18. Sea of Darkness: I hate it when there is Ned and Nancy drama in the games, it always makes me so uncomfortable. In a previous post I talked about how I felt about their relationship, so I won’t really get into it, but that’s besides the point. The fact that it’s last game with Lani Minella is sad, but it was still an interesting game. I think the puzzles were fun, and I enjoyed the Icelandic activities in the game.

17. The Silent Spy: I love the fact that we get a backstory on Nancy’s mom’s death. Also, going to Scotland and meeting Samantha FREAKING Quick. The fact that we finally got to put a face to her name after waiting for so long (11 games btw). I think it was a seriously fun game that had some interesting puzzles and had a unique plot.

16. The Haunting of Castle Malloy: Another really creepy game to me, but really well done. I enjoyed most of the puzzles in the game, and the idea of searching for the missing groom and trying to understand the history of Castle Malloy was super interesting. The characters were overall rememberable, and so was the plot, and I feel like it was a nice, challenging game

15. Alibi In Ashes: I really enjoyed this one too, and I love that you get to play as Bess, George, and Ned on top of playing Nancy. I find it crazy that her town would think that she would burn down the old town hall, but it’s whatever. I liked getting to build a case for Nancy, I think that was a fun aspect of the game. I also liked that it was our first chance to really meet Deirdre Shannon. I just liked the whole mystery aspect of this game, with dusting for finger prints and picking locks to trying to determine a suspect.

14. Legend of the Crystal Skull: I liked the dark vibe of this game, and that we got to play as Bess. I really enjoyed Henry Bolet and his character, and I think that the overall plot of the game was really interesting. The crystal skull was a really cool idea to have in a game, and I feel like overall the game had a good balance of creepiness. I also loveddd the little trap on the poor shop keeper with the sneezing powder.

13. The Captive Curse (New): I honestly really liked this one! I liked the history of the castle, and I loved the characters. I loved playing the games with Lukas and Karl, and play them a lot. I think there was a really nice balance of creepiness to not over power the game, and I overall really enjoyed it. I think the idea of the game was fun, and the puzzles were also super fun. I like how developed the characters are here, and it was a game that I honestly didn’t want to end when I found it reaching the final scene. However, the Ned and Nancy drama in the beginning wasn’t helpful at all. I understood the drama in the Sea of Darkness, but the drama in the game was minuscule and just unnecessary. But other than that, I enjoyed getting to have Frank on the phone, he was fun to talk to. 

12. Danger on Deception Island: This was another one of my favorites from when I was a kid. I always enjoyed the puzzle, especially the one with building Nessie for some weird reason. I thought the plot was really interesting, and that it was a creative idea. The puzzle in the game were also really creative, and I thought that overall, it was a cool game. The characters were interesting, and so was the plot.

10. The Deadly Device: The danger. The mystery. I spent so freaking long trying to beat aggregation, I cannot express the pleasure of completing all the levels. I like that this one had a murder, which reminded me of some of her older cases. I really enjoyed the characters in this one too, and I like how much a true mystery the case was. There were a few moments that really had me a little anxious and on the edge of my seat as I played.

9. Shadow at the Water’s Edge: One of the scarier games of the series, but I enjoy it. I feel like there are certain scenes that are actually terrifying, and I love how well done everything is. All the characters are interesting and finding out the backstory of the hotel and all the ghost business of the game. I think that it as a whole was just an amazing game, and there was so much detail that went into this game that I loved.

8.  The White Wolf of Icicle Creek: Weirdly enough, I love the chores aspect of this game. I normally hate doing chores, but they’re kinda fun here. I think the puzzles in this game are fun, and so is the mystery. I love it when Nancy goes undercover. I love that they brought back Tino Balducci for it, and like Nancy, I feel like all of us were groaning at the realization that we had to work with him (but we were all also kinda excited to do it too). However, there was so much history to the game, that I feel like the ending was kinda abrupt, but that could totally just be me.

7.  Secret of the Old Clock: I absolutely love the fact that this game takes place in the 1930s and that it’s based loosely on Carolyn Keene’s books The Secret of the Old Clock and The Mystery at Lilac Inn. The mini games are some of my favorites, and I just enjoyed all the characters and the plot. I always had a lot of fun when I played this one when I was younger, and it was always a game I looked forward to playing

6.  Treasure in a Royal Tower: I love the history that the game is based on, Marie Antoinette. I found that the puzzles in this game were fairly fun too, but I especially liked having to do a bit of sneaking around. I feel like the older games had a lot more danger to them, and I found myself on the edge of my seat sometime while playing.

5.  Danger by Design: Ooooh, this is a fun one. I loved getting to work for Minette, even though she was kinda crazy. All the puzzles were so much fun, but my favorites have to be the cooking challenge and the designs for Prudence Rutherford. The characters are super fun in this game, and I love the plot about the stained glass too. Getting to go into the catacombs is also super fun, and overall, I think they went in a really good direction for this game.

4.  The Last Train to Blue Moon Canyon: I adored this game when I was a kid since it was the first Nancy Drew game I ever played. The idea of a hidden gold mine on top while also having Lori’s disappearance on a moving train was just so fascinating to me. I always enjoyed the puzzles and loved the characters, especially the Hardy Brothers.

AND FINALLY… MY TOP 3 FAVORITE GAMES

3.  The Secret of Shadow Ranch: This is one of the more recent one I played, and I loved it so much. I love the history and culture of New Mexico, so I really enjoyed getting to see the petroglyphs and the cliff dwellings. I’m also a sucker for baking puzzles in games, so I really enjoyed that. The characters were also really interesting, and I loved the Dirk Valentine plot line. Overall, it was a really really fun game that I would love to play again.

2.  Phantom of Venice: This game is near and dear to my heart. The characters are really interesting, and I love getting a glimpse at Ned and Nancy’s relationship, with him giving her the necklace (especially since the more recent games have been giving them a rocky relationship). I think the adventure itself is an interesting one, and I love it when Nancy travels abroad for a mystery. The puzzle in this game were really interesting, and overall, I really enjoy it. I also loved getting to be Punchy LaRue!

1. Warnings at Waverly Academy: This has been my favorite Nancy Drew game for years. I love all the characters and how different yet similar they are to one another. The puzzle throughout the game, from making a DNA strand to playing scram and air hockey, I didn’t dislike any of them.  And the Edgar Allen Poe story plot is also super cool, I think that was an amazing plot that Her Interactive came up with. Also, the snack shop mini-game is just so much fun. “As of now, the snack shop is open!”

[justtakemeforaspin]

ANOTHER POST WITH SOME OF MY FAV STEREK FICS

I did a post last year with my top ten but I've read many more since then and decided to post another list. I always save my favorite fics and re-read them sometimes, when I posted my top 10 I had like 30 fics saved, now I have 70, so here we go:

Put Down in Words by paintedrecs

This one is a masterpiece. I love long/slow burn fics and this one has such a nice representation of Derek & Stiles characters and a really good plot.

When Stiles signed up for Dr. Hale’s intro to history class, he had two goals: knock out the credits his advisor was bugging him to complete before he graduated, and spend a few hours a week daydreaming about his sexy professor’s salt and pepper beard.

Derek, a few months away from turning forty and not sure when  his life had started feeling so damn lonely, had never encountered someone like Stiles before. Bright-eyed, sharptongued, determined to throw Derek’s carefully cultivated world into disarray… and absolutely the last person Derek should be falling in love with.

Be the Life of the Party by Mimiminaj

This one has a lot of funny moments and I love it so much.

Stiles starts working at the movie theater. His boss is Derek.

Cornerstone by Vendelin

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. This one is my favorite blind!Stiles fic, it is amazing. Loved the plot and how everything happens.

Suffering from PTSD, ex-Marine Derek Hale moves back to Beacon Hills to open a bookshop and find a calmer life. That’s where he meets Stiles, completely by accident. Stiles is talkative, charming and curious. Somehow, despite the fact that he’s blind, he’s able to read Derek like no one else.

Wild Horses by thepsychicclam

This one made me want to go after more ranch fics. I love how their relationship is developed. 

Derek's a drifter with no home, no destination, and no will to live. Stiles works on his family's failing cattle and horse ranch while all his friends are going off to college. When Derek falls asleep in a random barn, exhausted and half-starved, he doesn't expect to wake up on the other end of the sheriff's shotgun. And Stiles sure as hell doesn't expect his dad to invite the drifter in for breakfast.

Diamonds Are Forever (but flowers are cheaper) by tylerfucklin 

I read this one so loooong ago, I need to re-read it but I remember many cute moments and I love Derek here.

His name was Stiles Stilinski. He was older than 21, but younger than 25. His dad was the sheriff and he was a student at Beacon Hills Community College. He came into the shop every couple days; always after three, but never past five. He always said hello to Laura, always bought one bouquet, and always spent five minutes trying to make Derek smile with as many puns as he could come up with by the time Derek handed him his receipt.

Derek may or may not be in love with him.

The Hollow Moon by thepsychicclam

EVERYONE IS FUCKING ALIVE, SAY AMEN.

It's the summer after Stiles' first year of college, and he's working a crappy job and dealing with nightmares and anxiety - but he's okay, he swears. He makes it through most days without too much trouble. Then, a certain werewolf comes back into town. Which Stiles doesn't care about, nope, not at all.

After two and a half years, Derek returns to Beacon Hills with his small Pack. Though he tried to move on, something just kept drawing him back to Beacon Hills, he's just not sure what. Now, he figures he can start building something like a life - but he keeps getting distracted by Stiles Stilinski of all people.

Dances With Wolves by ZainClaw

Two months after the events of the Nemeton, it’s safe to say that Beacon Hills has gone back to the small and quiet town it once was. No animal attacks or strange deaths. No creepy blind man or maniac teacher running about. For the first time in nearly a year, Stiles and his friends can go back to the lives of ordinary teenagers. (Despite half of them not being ordinary at all.) Christmas is coming, and the news of a winter school dance at the end of the semester leaves Isaac terrified and Stiles unbelievably dateless. It’s funny how both their problems are solved by the same person.

Howling by alicuh

This is one of the “derek is always coming in through stiles’ windows” fics. Lots of funny and fluffy moments.

A piece of worn material shoots through Derek’s window. Derek frowns slightly and stands, going over to pick it up. In, assumedly, blood, it reads: STILES' LIFE IS GOING TO BE TAKEN AT MIDNIGHT. Derek rolls his eyes, sighing, and throws it back out the window, going back to his book. // or the one where Stiles life is threatened, so Derek stays with him to protect him and STEREK OCCURS.

487 by Finduilas

COP FIC. It’s just amazing and managed to use most of the cast.

Two years after graduating from the Police Academy, Stiles decides to transfer to the Beacon Hills Police Department, where his father is Chief. But when he gets assigned his new partner, Stiles isn't so sure if the transfer was a good idea. Derek 'Officer Grumpy Cat' Hale isn't exactly his first choice of partner. Then again, Stiles really isn't Derek's first choice either.

The Christmas Sweater Tradition by literaryoblivion

Short one but very cute! I love when the sheriff is involved.

The pack's all set for places to go for Christmas, that is everyone except Derek. So Stiles invites Derek to spend Christmas and the days leading up to it with him and his dad. He just has to be okay with their one firm tradition.

BONUS:

Milkshakes and Matchsticks by entanglednow

Basically: Stiles asks Derek out while drunk and he accepts it. Things get messy.

This is like the pre-credits sequence of every horror movie, he's probably going to be eaten before the main character is even introduced.

You Can Hear It In the Silence by Mimiminaj

Lots of good days, funny moments and Stiles being a little shit.

Stiles focused on Derek’s face long enough to see a flicker of regret flash across it. Good. Serves him right for throwing him against a brick wall.

Stiles felt his back hit said well, and he went limp as Derek worked his coat closed. “I don’t think you can take me to the hospital though, Derek.” The hands stilled. “And why is that?” “I don’t think they allow dogs.” “I’m going to kill you.”

[cosmosogler]

;_;

i woke up on time, actually. after a kind of, a kind of horrifying dream? i was just hanging out in the big boat, the huge one with red carpet and it’s usually in the harbor so there’s white buildings and birds along the horizon when you go on deck. there was a door to a building where it should have led into the boat- just kind of an old building on top of the boat. it was my high school theater. ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN.

there was something going onnn... when the Big Plot got resolved we were all standing on deck milling around directly after the big finale. i don’t know if it was a big finale but it was definitely after something. my old roommate maranda was up by the building. she got hooked on the door somehow and it flipped around trap-bookcase style and pulled her inside. except the door was half-covered by a wall so when she got pushed inside it kind of... clipped her at the waist. i don’t know it was a very non-euclidean motion.

i didn’t see any blood but i frowned at the door for a second. only a few people must have seen it because no one stopped talking. then the screaming started!!! it went on!!!!!!!!! wailing and sobbing like a person just realized they’d gotten cut in half. you know.

i was very afraid of going inside and seeing what was in there. i ended up on the other side of the building eventually... my sister and classmates were putting on a play. i took one look at the script and said “nope, no, i’m outta here, bye” and turned around and walked away, waving my hand behind me. i got a look at the Big Door on my way out; i kind of collapsed with relief when i didn’t see any blood or stray body parts. it seemed like she had just fallen a lot of feet somehow and broken something. there wasn’t anyone by the wall or door when i looked. then i woke up.

it kinda rattled me, you know? periodically throughout the day i had to just kind of take a minute and put my head in my hands.

anyway when i woke up snoopy had pooped all over the house. i got fed up with wasting all of my laundry detergent on washing the blanket on the couch every single morning so i put trash bags over the couch instead. i also had to clean up the floor. it wasn’t like she’d been sick, more like she’d just decided to camp out there. but there was twice as much as usual.

when i was brushing my teeth i threw up again. i’m gonna get cavities if this keeps happening.

i made eggs for breakfast. used too much butter but that’s ok. i made 2 eggs and i managed to eat more than half of it so i count that as a win. felt real sick though.

i went to the gym to work out for 20 minutes and then i staggered back home and stood in the shower for a long time. longer than i’d wanted, but also, i just felt hot and cold and sore all over and i was so tired. i wanted to stand in room-temperature water for a while. when i got out i cleaned my ears with the water blaster. that always makes me super dizzy but it helped with my headache just a little.

i actually didn’t waste a lot of time this morning. just showered longer than usual. i packed a pbj and some guac and a banana and fruit strips and a granola bar and super awesome chocolate raisins and headed out. the bus schedule said the next ride would be in like 40 minutes and i huffed. when i checked it again five minutes later (right before i was going to walk all the way to school), the bus was 15 minutes away. so i went down to wait. 25 minutes after that the bus showed up.

i got to my office at about 10:45. i sat down and started working at 11. i went until 8:30.

the last 2-hour stretch i didn’t even take any breaks. i was kinda miserable. i gave up on the very last problem. 

anyway at about noon i broke out the pbj. i think i’m used to old trash bread because this fresh bread i’d just bought yesterday and sealed well was too rich i guess. i felt real bad trying to eat it. it was confusing. i wanted to cut off the crust or something, but i haven’t done that in like 16 years.

i forced down the guac and the raisins and went back to work. suzanne and jake showed up so i went in her office and got back to work at 12:30. during my little 10-minute breaks to round out each hour i’d go over by the window at the far corner of the building and look out at the sky for a few minutes. i stretched a little but nothing too taxing. i think it helped me keep up the pace but i’m not sure now that the day is over.

at like 2:40 i had my banana. it actually didn’t make me super sick for once. i felt bad... maybe it’s because i was too stressed but even after diligently reading the textbook all the way through i felt like i didn’t understand what to do for the homework. i was doing most of it by myself but again i felt the need to get step-by-step directions from suzanne. i told her i really needed to practice with lagrangian equations... we only did it for 2 weeks in undergrad and i didn’t really get it very well then either.

i would love to practice with lagrangians! if the homework didn’t eat up 7 hours every week, not counting reading the textbook, not counting doing that for my other two classes. also not counting lab prep, teaching the lab, and grading 54 reports every week.

i feel... overwhelmed. all my free time the last two days (on the WEEKEND) has gone toward homework but i only got one assignment done out of three that are due monday... and i worked all thursday, and between classes on friday. i don’t know what else i’m supposed to do. it’s so hard to keep up that i can’t put in the work i need to do if i want to get in enough physics-shape to start pulling my own weight.

jennica came in, and ioannis, and taylor, and keegan. there was another student around i think but i didn’t see him after he came in and he didn’t come out of his office. i didn’t talk to them much honestly. i’m real frustrated with myself, that i don’t understand constraints and how to examine a physical system and just pop equations out of it. how i don’t notice stuff in the textbook that looks like a footnote but is actually how you solve the problem. i feel bad looking up basic geometry terms just to refresh my memory. it shouldn’t need to be refreshed.

i don’t feel too bad about looking up all the new terms all the time though. i desperately need to hear the definition of “hermitian” in as many different words as possible. 

anyway after 3:30-ish i was out of food i wanted to eat today and that meant trouble. at 6:30 i started skipping my assigned break periods to keep working. poor suzanne. she was so tired and frazzled from doing the homework due this week that she basically sent me her work for the last three problems (out of five. i work slowly). i didn’t copy so much as i looked at her first step and worked forward from there. when i got stuck that’s when i noticed she would use trig identities that i just straight up didn’t know.

it’s that first step that’s the hardest though. turning the words into a concept that the question wants me to learn, and then turning that concept into the right equation. and you gotta improvise a lot. i feel so helpless. 

though, when i do the problems wrong and just follow along with the book, i find i understand the math a WHOLE LOT better. i would copy all the equations in order if i could and work through the proofs with the book. but that would turn my 3/4-hour reading project (for each individual chapter) into a 7/9-hour reading project (again, for a single chapter out of the 35+ i need to get through this semester, basically 2 and a half a week).

and also that’s 8 hours i didn’t spend doing the actual homework.

my classmates told me that they just don’t have enough time to read the textbook. but i don’t understand how they do the homework without reading the text and taking note of literally everything in the lecture (which ALSO exhausts me). i guess it’s because they know something i don’t, or just remember everything better. 

i do feel very helpless. not even just in physics though. it’s so bizarre and scary to be buying my own food. thinking about buying my own bike, and transporting my own self to school and back, and figuring out on my own where everything is and the best shortcuts to take, feels like vertigo. doing my own banking and organizing my own budget feels like walking across a rickety bridge over a canyon.

and i’ve been doing this for TEN YEARS already!!! i did my own laundry in high school! i got myself to class! i made sure i got enough to eat!

and i’m still not used to it for some reason!!!!!!!!!!

and it feels like that every day. doing physics work on top of that when i feel so not confident and scared is near impossible.

jennica was talking about funeral styles earlier today when she was asking suzanne about how it went. she said that when suzanne died she should just have her funeral at a “baptist” church. jake corrected her to evangelical, i think? jennica said it’s because funerals are a big party since they prefer to celebrate your life over mourn your death. and she said it’s not a bad thing to die because you go to a better place and stuff.

i put my head down in my book to prevent myself from saying “if i believed in a better place i’d just kill myself now.” too dark. 

i do feel... pinned about that though. on one hand, thinking everything gets better when you die does not help me. i cannot think that way or... well. 

but on the other hand what happens to the people i love when they die? my pets? whatever happens to me when i die would surely happen to them too? do i want a “good” afterlife or not.

i don’t know. thinking about it makes me uncomfortable right now. 

at 8:30 jennica and i took off for chipotle. the line was criminally long and slow. i may as well have just gone home and cooked the pasta and “meat”balls i wanted to make. she was talking very loudly and it hurt my ears, and she kept gesturing and almost touching me. she’d reach out erratically and i’d have to actually lean away from her. 

i know she was probably as tired as i am. and i was wiped. that’s probably why i didn’t have as much patience as usual.

so i got home at 9:20 and slapped my burrito down on my table and ate it and i ate the stuff that fell out with my hands like a filthy animal. i was starving. i ate with the desperation of someone who had been working too hard all day and not had any opportunity to eat. i knew i was eating too fast but i didn’t care because i had to sit down and start writing basically as soon as i finished if i wanted to go to bed on time (i’m already 15 minutes late now). so about two minutes after i finished i nearly puked. i had to stop in my hallway and take deep breaths. 

my stomach still hurts. it doesn’t hurt as bad as my, i guess, solar plexus? it feels like the muscles are getting shoved around by my ribs every time i lean over or straighten my back. like i’ll stretch my back and when i put my head back down to keep reading something between my ribs will just kinda slide and pop in and it hurts but i can’t figure out how to describe the pain. it feels like scar tissue i guess. but i don’t got no scars there.

it’s not as bad as yesterday but it’s still hella unpleasant and it makes it hard to sleep because it’s got that gnarly pinching feeling when i lay down too, no matter what position. 

we’ll see. tomorrow i need to try to do the entire quantum assignment (that was due last friday) and also i need to grade the entire first lab section. it’s too much. i wanted to do the full classical assignment AND half of one of those other things today. took too long. 

i don’t want to quit. i don’t want to quit. i can do it. i just need more time. or more energy. or more fudging power i guess. i don’t know how my classmates do it. it seems like they don’t sleep but i don’t really have that option. i don’t have much option to skip ANY part of my routine actually. 

that sounds like i got a bad work ethic but my depression gets so much worse when i don’t take care of everything every day and then i end up getting no work done at all.

like i gotta eat, preferably three times. i gotta clean myself up. i gotta get outside for a little bit. i gotta drink enough water. i gotta interact with someone and also my cat or any dog at all. i gotta get some form of exercise. i gotta go to bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every morning. or else it all goes to hell! that’s not fair. for everyone else most of that stuff is optional and it’s just not for me.

anyway it’s 10:58 and if i don’t stop now i won’t have time to meditate for a few minutes. i’m already late getting to bed anyway. might not have enough time to get in 8 hours of sleep. being out of the apartment until literally my “get ready for bed” time threw me off... might have to get used to that over the next few days. just got too much to do.

[hysteric-for-sterek]

It’s Destiny

 After seeing the Dylan-less trailer for 6B and hearing the rumor of Colton Haynes coming back for 6B but not Tyler Hoechlin, my mind starts up with my now-perfected coping mechanism of inventing happy-fanon reasoning to explain away all the bad thoughts.

For example, Stiles is too busy kicking ass in college, training up to be an amazing FBI agent one day to get tangled up in the goings-on in Beacon Hills nowadays. He’s left the town in the capable (*cough* positive thinking Stiles *cough*) hands of Scott and Liam, who only call him like, once a week now to use and abuse his superior brain and laptop full of supernatural knowledge.

Plus, Lydia’s still in Beacon Hills for another few months too before she starts at MIT, and lets be honest, Lydia’s brain has always been the most superior, she’s just never been as much of a sucker as Stiles to spend all her free time voluntarily jumping into the thick of the drama to save Scott all the time like Stiles was. From what Stiles can gather from all the calls and texts from back home, Lydia’s getting much more involved in the pack lately, much as she always claimed she wouldn’t.

They talk every day, Stiles and Lydia. Ever since that rom-com worthy love confession and movie-star kiss before he’d left for college, Stiles constantly has to keep pinching himself that this is his real life now. He may even have researched all the possible supernatural elements that could have potentially taken over Stiles’ brain and meant this was all a supernatural long-con of his sanity. Because evil curses, magical pixie dust or alternate realities all seem more plausible than Stiles actually leaving his Dad and Scott behind to attend an amazing college in another whole state on a full scholarship, with the goal of one day becoming a legitimate bad-ass FBI agent, while somehow also keeping a long-distance (but totally not imaginary) relationship with the Lydia Martin. These things do not happen to Stiles Stilinski. His life can never be this good.

Which is also probably why he’s constantly battling the niggling feeling inside him that something isn’t quite right. Before he’d left, Scott had asked him how he was going to be able to leave Lydia behind now that he finally had her after all the pining. Stiles had simply responded with “I was willing to wait ten years for my Get-Lydia-Martin plan to work Scott, but I managed to whittle it down to just 4. I think I can manage the long-distance thing for a while.” Scott had given him a look that said he just could not believe Stiles right now, but Stiles hadn’t taken it too seriously because he knew how Scott could be. Just because Scott develops a severe case of tunnel-vision and infatuated obsession as soon as he gets a girlfriend, doesn’t mean Stiles is the same. It didn’t happen with Malia, and it isn’t happening with Lydia. That is fine, it doesn’t mean anything. Right? Of course not. Sure he’d been infatuated with Lydia for years, but he is still able to function as a human being without spending every minute of every day in her presence. He’s pretty sure that’s normal. Unlike Scott who completely ignored everything and everyone else as soon as Allison or Kira were within heartbeat-listening distance, or their names were even mentioned. He’s pretty sure that’s more of a Scott downfall than a Stiles downfall.

Anyway, this is why Stiles didn’t immediately start panicking when he started getting less texts from Lydia throughout the week. She was still sending them regularly enough that Stiles didn’t need to worry that she’d been abducted by goblins or anything, but they just weren’t coming as frequently as they had been when he’d first left. And then yesterday she hadn’t called him at 7. It’s not like they’d specifically made plans to talk at 7, but it had become habit. Lydia always called at 7. Sure, Stiles initiated the majority of their text message conversations, randomly sending her things as they popped into his head throughout the day - when he overheard someone say something funny, when one of his professors said something interesting, when he saw a cute dog - but they both knew his brain was too scattered and easily-distracted to remember to call every evening. Plus, he was often up studying until the wee hours of the morning and had no clue what time it even was. Lydia did NOT appreciate calls at 2am because that’s when Stiles had finally finished his assignment and decided to call her before bed.

So, following this logic, it’s 1am before Stiles looks up from his computer screen and registers the time and the fact that Lydia hadn’t called. He sits there frowning at his computer screen for a few minutes, debating calling her at this hour or waiting until tomorrow and finally decides on going to sleep and waiting until morning. If anything was wrong, he’d have heard about it through one of the others by now. And he doesn’t really want to admit to Lydia that it’s taken him this long to realise she’d never called and to start worrying. I mean, it doesn’t really sound too good, does it?

When Stiles wakes the next morning it’s to way too much sunlight streaming through his window and his eyes blink blearily open to see his roommate sprawled out on his bed on the opposite side of the room. Stiles is confused because his roommate is practically nocturnal. Stiles NEVER sees him in the mornings. Stiles normally leaves for class before the other guy even makes it back to the dorm. And that’s when Stiles realises he’s slept through his alarm and he is late. Very late. So he jumps up, rushes around to get dressed and runs out the door as fast as he can, completely forgetting about checking in with Lydia. Momentarily forgetting about Lydia completely to be honest.

He remembers again around lunchtime and shoots her a hurried message between classes as he shoves a sandwich down his throat and rushes across campus. All it says is a simple “Do I need to send a search party? Missed hearing from you last night.” and there’s a reply by the time he’s sliding into his seat in his next class. “Search party not necessary.”

The weird thing is that when Lydia calls at 7 that evening, they don’t even address it. Stiles feels too guilty about not even realising she hadn’t called to be the one to bring it up and Lydia just starts into a thought about string theory, which leads to 25 minutes of debating various physics laws before Lydia starts yawning and Stiles says goodnight.

It’s 5 days later when Stiles is sprawled out on his bed with his phone pressed to his ear, listening to Scott complaining about Liam not listening to him in favour of making googly eyes at Hayden and Stiles is holding in the call of hypocritical foul, when Stiles gets slammed with a harsh slap of reality. Because Scott just said… what?

“Wait, hold up. What did you just say?”

“That Liam-”

“No after that, about Jackson.”

“Uh, that Jackson actually sided with me and thought we should start training 3 days a week instead of 1.”

“Jackson’s… back… in Beacon Hills…”

“Um, yeah… You didn’t know that? He flew back about a week ago. Something about selling his parents property or something? Didn’t Lydia tell you?” Stiles doesn’t answer and Scott clears his throat awkwardly before continuing. “Must have slipped her mind. I don’t think he’ll be in town for long. Once the houses sell, he’ll be off back to London…”

“Uh huh. Right.”

“Stiles.”

“No, it’s all good dude. It’s fine. I do have to go though. I have a paper to finish,” he lies.

After Stiles hangs up, he lays there staring at the ceiling for a long time. Lydia had missed calling him again two nights ago and neither of them mentioned it again. And the conversations they had had were mostly about classes and assignments and politics. The text messages had been getting few and far between too. Normally, when uncomfortable and unpleasant thoughts like these started infiltrating his brain, Stiles shut-down, dived headfirst into something else to keep his mind occupied and refused to think about it. But tonight he’s letting himself really hash this out in his head. He’s looking at it like he would a particularly difficult math problem. And it’s another hour before he realizes that that itself is a giant clue. He should be feeling more things about this right? Not intellectually debating it like a brain-puzzle to solve. And all their interactions since he started college had been like this too, hadn’t they? Stiles had always been in love with Lydia Martins brain but there… there was nothing romantic about his relationship with Lydia right now, was there? And there hadn’t been in weeks… months even. Stiles had forgotten to call Lydia. Lydia. His girlfriend Lydia.

Jesus Christ. He’s completely lost it, hasn’t he? He’s lost his damn mind. Being with Lydia has been his ultimate endgame plan for longer than he can even remember. And he had her for all of a few months before completely screwing it up. And he doesn’t know how to fix it.

He doesn’t even know if he wants to fix it.

What the hell?!

After another hour of consideration, Stiles proves even more that he’s lost his damn mind and calls Jackson.

“Stilinski?”

“Jackson.” There’s an awkward pause of silence before Stiles starts up again. “Have you changed at all since leaving?”

“Excuse me?”

“All bullshit aside Jackson, I’m not trying to start shit, I’m just- I just want to have an honest conversation with you, OK? All honesty, 5 minutes of your time, then you don’t have to speak to me again.”

Stiles takes Jackson’s silence as an acceptance.

“Do you realize what you did wrong the first time around? Can you admit you were a total asshole and that you’ve changed now?”

“I- Yeah. Yes. I had a lot of… stuff… on my plate. I wasn’t in a good place and moving has helped me sort through things and get… better.”

Stiles figures the fact that Jackson admitted that at all makes the statement believable.

“Did you… do you…” Stiles clears his throat, annoyed that he’s struggling to say what he wants to say.

“I’ve always loved her Stiles. I miss her every day.”

Stiles nods to himself and blinks back the sudden tears in his eyes.

“OK,” he finally manages.

Time seems to move quickly after that. Stiles has what he knows is going to go down as one of the hardest conversations of his entire life with Lydia the day after calling Jackson. He tells her he’s always loved her and always will love her, but that he thinks the kind of love changed over time as he grew up and he just hadn’t seen it happen. She sobs into the phone and tells him she’s so sorry for not telling him about Jackson being back in town and that she wanted to be that person for Stiles but that she couldn’t help still being in love with Jackson even though she still didn’t think he deserved it or that they could ever even make it work.

It took a long few hours of crying and laughing and talking and listening, but eventually both Stiles and Lydia were able to reach the agreement of being the best of friends and Stiles knew it would be a true and life-long friendship with every fibre of his being. He’s lucky. So god-damn lucky. For so many things in his life.

His new-found clarity on this subject has him spontaneously taking a couple of days off school to fly home for the weekend and see his Dad and his pack and give himself a bit of a wake-up call to make sure he remembers to truly appreciate these people in his life. They have a bonfire on the beach with everyone and Stiles has never felt more like he belonged to a big family. When he’s packing his bags back up on Sunday afternoon and getting ready to leave, his heart is filled with gratitude and happiness and he can’t remember feeling this healthy in a long time.

His Dad drops him off at the airport in the cruiser and Stiles is brimming with positivism as he lounges in an uncomfortable airport chair, waiting to board. He has a crossword magazine open on his lap, and he’s humming along to a random song while he chews on his pen and considers a 7 letter word for “Unavoidable End”. And that’s the moment someone who smells quite nice sinks down in the chair right next to him. Stiles frowns slightly because he’s pretty sure the last time he looked up the airport lounge was relatively empty and there were rows and rows of empty chairs that weren’t right next to Stiles so this dude is being pretty creepy, but he doesn’t look up for fear of engaging the creeper in a creepy conversation. Still, Stiles tries his best to ignore the stranger and keeps his head down, focused on his crossword until the man speaks.

“Destiny,” says a very familiar voice and Stiles is startled, snapping his gaze up immediately, finding himself face-to-face with Derek. Stiles’ eyes are wide and his mouth hangs open, his pen falling to his lap. He doesn’t need werewolf hearing to know his heart is beating dub-step right now. Derek just smirks at him and Stiles feels it in his bones. It’s like someone just disconnected a signal-jammer in his body and Stiles’ veins are suddenly pulsing with ‘I MISSED HIM, I MISSED HIM, I MISSED HIM’.

“The answer to 21 down,” Derek continues. “It’s ‘destiny’.”

[courtnexit-blog]

Day 101: Reminiscing

I wrote this the day of because I was so happy and excited with what an awesome day it was. I'm sure happy i did: 

Ellie and I have become like sisters. We are different people, in different walks of life, with different goals yet somehow manage to be in sync. This morning, my Great Uncle Kevin (Bernadette’s brother/Ellie’s grandad) came over for coffee to meet with me and chat. His stories nearly put me to tears. His warm welcome will forever be remembered. He walked in with 2 framed pictures in his hands. He joked that I reminded him of someone (which must be a lie since I don’t think i was quite what he was expecting being brunette). We sat down and enjoyed coffee while I grew mesmerized by his stories. He showed me the photos- 1 of nana (Bernadette) and 1 of nana and Kevin embracing. These photos hit so close to my heart I can’t seem to even explain. On the photo of Bernadette, she wrote “Your devoted sister, Bernadette.” The love and formality of it all was touching. Kevin cherished the photo and on the back was a cut out of the newspaper that announced her passing. I always have felt a sort of connection to my Nana. I guess it is because i was named after her. I just admire her courage and strength for going through this large endeavor to America to seek a better life. The other picture was one of her and Kevin embracing during her first return to England after her leaving. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such strong love between siblings. It was pure love. During this picture, she was expecting and Kevin couldn’t remember who but we all thought it had to be Uncle Kerry because she looked just TOO beautiful and vibrant to be a mother already. Ellie and I really took this picture to heart. Kevin spoke so highly of bunny that I could see the love and happiness radiating from him. It was real and true. He explained how due to their rough childhood reckoned by diphtheria- Bernadette was behind a year in school and Kevin was held back so that he could look after her. Since then, they were in the same grade throughout their lives and became such close friends. Hearing Kevin speak about my nana really made the connection real for Ellie and I. Saying “second cousins” seems distant and unrelatable but seeing her Grandpa speak so fondly of my Grandma, his sister, was really moving and connected us all as one. The connection became visible and we were able to see through the family lines. Ellie and I chatted about how it really expanded how were see each other and how we think its so important to keep these relationships going. Kevin went on to tell the story of Nana and Papa and how she was extremely reluctant to go over to America. Kevin really pushed her to do it, to seek a better life. Apparently Nana really took care of a lot of the family and didn’t wanna leave them but Kevin saw the opportunity and really pushed her there. Papa gave her a ticket to New York from London so she was reluctant due to the difficulty just to get to London. Once they figured out a ride she really tried to find a way out. She got her hair done the day she went and they did it terribly (“apparently”) and she tried to use that as an excuse not to go. (sound like us? haha) but she ended up going to NY (there was a minor gap in the story- not sure how she got to LA) but of course happily ever after and she really fell in love. It just took a little push to leave home. Kevin spoke fondly of her in a story where he was at university/seminar? which was quite far and difficult/expensive to get to but one day she showed up to visit out of the blue. The school said they really don’t have visitors but she defied their rules and came anyways. He loved her strong willed nature to do as she pleased but he was also just so shocked in her ability to find the money to visit him as they were pretty poor back then. Being the last sibling alive, I’m so grateful Kevin and Bernadette were so close. Kevin gave me an idea of who my grandmother was as a person, as a teen, and as a sister.

Uncle Kevin took me around Fitzmaurice Carriers on his way home. The brothers - Tim and Dominic who run it now took away his keys because they had his car keys on it which he's not allowed to drive right now so he wasn't able to show me inside but we walked around the outside of it. They own a TON of the area around it and rent out a lot of the office buildings. He gave me the keys to business telling me we must invest in property. It was really great having him show me around this company he built from the ground up. They didn't have a lot of money growing up so he knew what it felt like to not have the money. You could hear how proud he was of his company. I got to meet his wife too when we dropped him off. 

In the afternoon, Ellie and I went to the Library where they had an exhibit for the Us air force that was stationed in Norwich. We had heard there was a picture of my grandpa. We went around 4:30 and the museum closed at 5. we wanted to go in and see it and head out. however, NO ONE told us where this picture was! we figured it was out and about. We had to panic call the family to solve the mystery.... Ellie finally found it by looking at the index of one of the books on display. What a sight. Ellie and I both thought he looked JUST like me in the picture which was really weird..... It was super cool to see though. Im so proud to be his granddaughter! 

After we succeeded in the library with 3 minutes to spare, we got dinner at a waffle place. It had both set and savory waffles. Interesting place. We then got drinks with another second cousin, tilly, who is Dominic’s daughter (he also has 2 sons). Tilly is about 25 years old and is Ellie’s closest cousin. She was so nice and we had a blast. We hopped around a few places and then taxid home (first taxi! woohoo!). The whole fam was up and we just chatted and drank wine. It was so nice.

[andalynnamass1997]

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How To Find Where Cat Is Peeing

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[bestfriendforhire]

Children of BFFH, Entry 25

  Rubbing my arm, I glared after the large man who bumped me, but I couldn’t hold it against him for long even if I wanted to.  I stood up and looked around, trying to remember where I was, but nothing looked familiar, except Mommy.

 “Mommy!” I exclaimed, hugging her.

 “Ella!” she exclaimed, hugging me back.  One of her hands patted my head as the other squeezed me tightly.  “Where are your glasses?”

 “I uh… don’t know.  Where are yours?” I asked, wondering what happened to us.  We were standing in a parking lot next to a small group of stores.  “Maybe we were shopping?”

 She shrugged.  “Could be.  Why would we take off our glasses?”

 “The better to see you with?” I teased, grinning at her.  Our eyesight was slightly better than perfect by pure human standards, though I knew some of my friends had better, just not which ones.

 She smirked and rolled her eyes.  There was a faint glow about her, showing she was happy.  Taking my hand, she said, “Let’s look around and see if we spot our glasses.”

 I nodded and strolled along, gripping her hand firmly.  If we got separated, we’d both forget who we were with.  Someone would come to get us if we were lost too long, but managing on our own was an adventure.

 The first shop was delightful with glass figures adorning an entire wall of shelves!  Okay, so they were there to be sold, but the display was wonderful!  I could easily imagine them under sunlight, sparkling perfectly as they cast twinkling lights across the grass.  Wait.  I was wearing a thick coat.  Glancing outside, I realized that winter was here.  I idly wondered what month we were in, remembering that I already celebrated my birthday, when a confused-looking boy came over to ask us if he could help us with anything.

 “No, sorry.” replied Mommy.  She wasn’t wearing her glasses.

 Things clicked, so I asked “Were we wearing glasses last time we were in here?  We both seem to have misplaced them.”

 “Uh… yeah.  Looking for them?” questioned the boy.

 Nodding and smiling, Mommy said, “Yes.  Yes, we are.  Have you seen them?”

 His eyes followed the cloud-like questions marks that moved around her head for a couple seconds.  Suddenly shaking his head, he said, “No.  Sorry.  You were wearing them when you left.”

 “Thank you for the help!” I exclaimed, pulling Mommy toward the door before we got distracted again.  I needed to focus on finding my glasses.  With a little luck, they’d both be sitting next to a display of sunglasses.

 “I’m so glad you’re with me, Ella.” stated Mommy as we left the store.  “We always have such wonderful adventures together.”

 I hugged her, thankful that she never forgot me.  Her short-term memory was even worse than mine.  Without Mila helping us to focus through the screens on our glasses, we’d probably get lost for days if our friends didn’t come for us.  As I bit my lip, I pulled Mommy back from the candy store.  “I think we ate earlier!” I exclaimed.

 She looked at me curiously.

 “There’s salt on my lips!  We need to find somewhere with salty foods.” I told her, hoping she’d try to focus too.  “Receipts!  If we shopped somewhere, there might be a receipt!” I exclaimed, excited that we might solve this on our own.

 “Great idea!” replied Mommy, checking her pockets.  After I poked her front left, she checked there and found one.  “We really did eat!  I suppose that explains why I’m not very hungry.  You’re amazing, Ella!”

 I somehow remembered that she always kept receipts in her front left pocket, but I wasn’t sure why I had committed that to memory.  Daddy had probably used his magic to help Mommy with the habit.  “So which restaurant?” I questioned before the receipt found its way back to her pocket.

 “Oh.. uh…” she started, looking from the receipt to the area around us.  Pointing, she said, “That one!”

 I nodded and hurried that way with her.  We had eaten pretzels, not a meal!  “Look out!” I exclaimed as a man came backing out of a jewelry store.  The gun registered shortly after.

 As he whirled on us, Mommy reacted, grabbing his wrist and forcing it up with the inhuman strength her enhancement suit granted her.  Despite his size, the man couldn’t hope to overpower Mommy, but I wasn’t going to give him the chance to try.

 “Look at me!” I yelled to get his attention.  The moment our eyes met, I used my magic to command him.  “Return what you’ve stolen, turn the gun over to the clerk, and wait to be arrested.  You will cooperate completely, confessing to every crime you’ve committed.”

 Mommy released him, and we hurried along, hoping no one had taken notice.  By the time anyone could ask us questions, we wouldn’t remember anything anyway.

 “Where were we going?” I questioned, hoping Mommy would somehow remember.

 There was a thump next to us followed by Auntie Portentia saying, “Hello.  I brought your new glasses, Noelle.”  She smiled as she handed the case over.  Auntie Portentia had taken to carrying an extra set for each of us, just in case.

 “How did you get here so fast!?  I was barely realizing that we were lost!” I exclaimed.

 She looked a little embarrassed as she said, “Actually, you’ve been in the area for over an hour.  I passed by on my way home from a job, which Mila thinks may have triggered the first problems…  Sorry.  We thought you’d be fine, but you ran into some bad luck of your own without me.  I was already on my way back here by then.”

 I hugged her and said, “Thank you for saving us!”  Then I looked up at her and asked “Do you have a pair for me?”

 “I’m being told that yours are currently under a car.  You got knocked down earlier, and they fell off.  Your mother’s had been crushed not long after I passed by earlier.” she replied, already walking away.

 Mommy took my hand and followed.  As we walked, Auntie Portentia told us about how we had stopped a jewelry heist just a minute ago, complimenting us on it.  Momma Mila showed me when we found my glasses, but I didn’t feel like we really did much, which was good in public.  Soon, we were on our way home again, and Momma Mila reminded me of what I had told her I wanted to make for Aspy!  Window shopping was a success!

[63824peace]

Tuesday, 22nd of november 2005

A friend pulled me into conversation this morning without even saying hello. "I saw a Quake-Cloud last week. It was terrible, frightful... just awful."

He claimed to have clearly seen a cloud shaped like an arrow, pointing from the sky to Roppongi Hills. He said it was obviously a Quake-Cloud... a premonition that Roppongi would suffer tremors.

The sight had shocked him so severely that he couldn't tell anyone about it until today.

"Last week?" I said. "But when? Which day?"

"I don't remember... perhaps Thursday."

"I hadn't heard any news of this."

"No, there's no mistaking it!" he insisted. "I saw a Quake-Cloud!"

He usually watches all sorts of television programs related to these matters. He's probably an expert by now.

"A Quake-Cloud, eh?"

What do Quake-Clouds even look like? Are they magnetic fields created from seismic distortions in the bedrock? I'm clueless on these matters.

I listened to him doubtfully, and he seemed to lose patience. The prophet muttered his forecast: "A huge earthquake will hit within two weeks." He appeared somehow relieved, and then he hastily tottered away.

A big earthquake, huh... maybe it'll come, and maybe it won't. If I start to worry about something as small as this, I might as well worry forever.

I should still prepare for the worst though. I have readied myself for the reality that a huge earthquake will hit someday.

I relayed the story as a joke to Matsuhanan, and he reacted with a serious expression.

"What's wrong?" I said.

Matsuhanan lowered his voice. "I'm not saying this to scare you, but--" His voice cut on the word. He leaned closely and hardened his expression. "I dreamed of an earthquake over the weekend."

"So?" I said. "What about it?"

"I had a dream, and in it we all got hit by an earthquake."

"Hmm. Well, still, that's just the sort of thing you'd expect from a dream, right?"

"However," he said. "On top of that, my wife also dreamed of an earthquake that very same morning."

Two similar events can happen, and we can still dismiss them as coincidences. Something more enormous than mere coincidence emerges when three similar events occur. How ominous....

Everyone who had not paid attention to our conversation earlier now listened intently. The air thickened, and the very atmosphere changed immediately.

Matsuhanan and I had both experienced the Kobe Earthquake. Memories from that time bubbled to the surface of my thoughts. I don't ever want to experience or see anything like that again. I decided to shut off these negative emotions as soon as possible.

"So you and your wife both dreamed of earthquakes? The answer's pretty simple here--you must have been on top of your wife without knowing it!"

"H-hey! That's not true!"

"Sexy Matsuhanan!"

"Oh, be serious."

I managed to ease the tense, nervous atmosphere with a little juvenile obscenity. We settled the matter with laughter.

We've seen some pretty scandalous problems lately regarding cover-ups of some buildings' vulnerability to earthquakes. The news broke when everyone concerned themselves with earthquake preparations. "How can we prepare for the big earthquake?" they asked. "And what will we do after the earthquake actually hits?"

I heard that some buildings can topple even under a small earthquake. If a building will collapse under just a small one, what will we do when the big one hits?

Dangers fill our world.

An earthquake will definitely hit us one day. No one knows when, of course, but Tokyo can't avoid its fate. It may hit tomorrow, within ten years, or even fifty years from now.

Still, we can't squander time worrying. We live in Tokyo, and we can't leave it. We certainly won't abandon it. We live with the possibility of disaster every day. Most importantly, we must avoid panic while also keeping ourselves prepared for our future quake.

A long time ago, Toho produced a movie called Jishin Retto (1980). Kaneto Shindo wrote the film's scenario; he's one of my favorite directors. The last scene disappointed me because it was just a rehash of the famous panic movie, Earthquake (1974).

The film's contents aside, the advertisement copy was great. It went something like this: "I knew it would hit one day... but I never thought it would hit today."

Over the past weekend I finally got to watch the bonus disc's extra footage from War of the Worlds. It lasted a total of 165 minutes.

They presented the Previsualization Method developed by Industrial Light & Magic (ILM). The method draws out the full potential of scenes that use a lot of CG and CGI.

Film-makers traditionally edited the CGI and V/A composition into the film after they had finished shooting. There's a problem with that method though. According to these traditional methods, we needed to shoot the film against a blue screen background. We could have a hard time feeling out where the non-existent objects, scenery, and atmosphere belonged in the shooting studio.

Each person's imagination differs from other people's imaginations. We have a lot of room for miscommunication and misunderstandings. The shooting studio only becomes more chaotic when everyone on the set works out of sync with the total scenario conveyed on the blue screen.

ILM invented Previsualization to solve this problem. Think of it as a storyboard transferred into 3D images.

Each person can coordinate himself with the total scenario when he examines the Previsualized images in the shooting studio. People can arrive at a consensus understanding among themselves before they shoot... the actors, the special effects team, the stuntmen, and the CG team.

We can use this to determine how all the visual elements will correlate. We'll also work more efficiently with ILM's Previsualization Method. Production costs will drop. Talk about killing two birds with one stone.

James Cameron made a small model of his set while working on Terminator 2 in order to shorten his production period. He used a small camera to test various angles, and then he started to shoot. He cut back on the time needed to make his set that way.

Previsualization uses the same idea. We can decide how to adjust our special effects and our camera placement by moving character models through scenery in 3D space. We can decide how to handle our set, visual characteristics, props, and CGI usage after selecting the camera location.

This is how they produced War of the Worlds so quickly. Spielberg is known for a quick turnaround on his films, but Previsualization made this one possible.

I thought about how similar Previsualization seems to resemble our own development methods when I saw it in motion. We naturally used those methods when games became 3D in the late 1990s. We didn't pick it up from anyone... it's simply necessary to make our games.

We first construct the game using simple models and scenery. We treat the cutscenes the same way because they require cinematic effects. We test the module while minimizing all our resources, such as processing speed, MGS-defining characteristics, camera, and general operations. We must reduce everything to its bare qualities in our Previsualization Phase.

Once we fix everything using trial and error, we move on to full-scale production. The film industry's shooting phase equates to this.

Likewise, we don't use the older methods of making the game's map. Instead of drawing it directly, we structure the game according to the script team's provisional map. Once we've done that, we hand everything over to the designers. The pre-production period always lasts the longest while making a game.

The film industry could only have realized its Previsualization Method through digital technology. Film has finally evened out with the game-making process. Some aspects of game-making are behind the times. Other parts, however, are well ahead.

I ate lunch at the Nishi Azabu restaurant La Brace. I ordered spaghetti with ground chicken and Chinese cabbage. I wanted a drink of wine, but I controlled myself. Customers all around me wet their throats.

It's only on the lunch menu, but that was a big salad.

The pasta tasted delicious too. I paid a cheap price considering how much I ate.

We held our hiring interviews in the afternoon. After that we worked on our projects for MGS4 until evening, just like yesterday.

The project certainly is fun. I'd love to work on it twenty-four hours a day. I only want to create.

I'll totally shift my focus onto MGS4 once our new PSP project gets off the ground. I'll try to avoid entanglements such as interviews, clients, meetings, or lectures. I have to focus on my work during the pre-production and Previsualization periods.

At the bookstore I bought the fifth volume of Complete Cobra. I buy manga to read at a later date these days. I haven't got time to read any of them now, and the same really goes for novels. I finished reading Mr. Kurokawa's book Ansho, and I have started reading Parker's latest, Melancholy Baby.

I received my copy of NewWORDS, an entertainment magazine for mature adults. Kadokawa Publishing will release it November 25.

The cover really impacts the reader. It's a shot of Natalie Portman with her head entirely shaved! It will catch the attention of people in the bookstore. The magazine's first issue comes with a UMD Video that contains an episode of Blood+. I think it's really hip that they're not just including a regular DVD.

I wish this mature entertainment magazine great success.

I am actually helping NewWORDS by giving them an interview and writing introductions to movies. I'd like many adults to read it.

People in the past used to call Otaku a new type of subculture. Now we have all become adults. These Otaku now work as members of society, and they pay the usual taxes. They register to vote, and they participate in politics. They have married and now take care of families with children. They have become aware of their larger human community.

The Otaku's loneliness has disappeared, but his responsibilities have increased. These Otaku swore never to grow up -- yet they grew up without even noticing.

Nonetheless, games and anime still mean a lot to them.

People started calling manga "graphic novels." Manga became acceptable as dignified adult entertainment as time moved on. We also ought to have anime and games made specifically for adults.

But here's the question: will supply or demand come first?

Nothing will happen if we just wait for an answer. We're not looking at an issue of "When will it happen?" We're dealing with an issue of ‘Who will do it?’"

Who will innovate products to serve this market?

Now that I think on it, people in the last century used to call Otaku a new type of human being or an alien race. I think that Otaku should take a lesson from War of the Worlds -- they should return as adults from underground.

Our bodies retain the sturdy weight of our time's residue. As adults at last, we shall shed the filth on our own.

[mediationhamptonroads]

The Unwitnessed Miracle of Mediation (Originally Published March 2001)

Readers of the Bible know of early-day miracles — the cripples who could suddenly walk, the sightless who could finally see, the virgin who gave birth. They may not, however, remember a mention of another small miracle of sorts — the miracle of mediation, the process of a neutral third party balancing the scales of justice for two people faced with a problem. Yes, the apostle Paul suggested to the Corinthians mil-

lennia ago that disputes should be settled by community members rather than through adjudication. So why haven’t more people witnessed the magic of mediation — and why aren’t more reaping its rewards?

Paul Warren points his index fingers toward each other and tries to make them meet. They miss by about six inches and he stops in a ciassic “they-went-that-a-way” pose.

Wanren then pulls back his hands, spreads out his fingers and tries again. This time his right pinky glides into the groove between his left index and middle fingers. He smiles.

Warren isn’t a bored man passing time. He’s not a clown entertaining children. He’s the founder of the Commercial Mediation Association in Norfolk, and he’s demonstrating how people can resolve their problems when they think of multiple solutions — not just one — and then work to link their ideas.

Wairen’s demonstration makes mediation look painless, and as long as one hand doesn’t try to claw the other, it can be.

All that’s needed is a mediator, a room, the two parties, and a few hours. Essentially, it’s a process made dp of a lot of listening on the mediator’s part, and a lot of talking or» the disputants’ part. And talking isn’t hard. Who. after all, doesn’t like to talk, especially about himself?

Certainly not Curtis Clark.* He participated in his first mediation session two weeks ago. At stake was his six-year-old son, and he wanted to be sure the mediators understood his position. He read from a journal he had kept through the years:

Curtis divorced Theresa, his son’s mother, four years ago. They argued regularly throughout the years about the boy’s care — what type of car seat was best, who the boy could play with, how late be should stay up. Somehow, though, Curtis and Theresa had always been able to compromise.

But something had changed in the last five months: Theresa is now living with a boyfriend, one she’s thinking about marrying. Suddenly she and Curtis are fighting more than ever. If Theresa forgets to have her son do his homework on a night he stays with her. Curtis refuses to let her have another overnight visit for weeks. When she returned the boy to Curtis house a few hours late (because of car trouble, Theresa says), she was told she would need to start visiting the boy at Curtis’ house, instead of hers.

After more than a dozen similar “judgment lapses,” as be calls them, Curtis has had enough: He wants the ban on overnight and out-of-sight visits enforceable by law, even though the couple has joint custody of the boy. He’s filed a case with the Norfolk Juvenile and Domestic Relations District Court, and they’ve referred him to mediation.

The two mediators listen, take notes and keep Theresa from interrupting while Curtis talks. (“Remember to write it in your note pad if (here’s something you’d like to say when Curtis is done speaking.”) When he’s finally finished, one of the mediators summarizes his story. (“What I hear you saying is...”) When it’s Theresa’s turn, they do the same for her. (“I just heard you say ...”).

In a moment of anger, Curtis raises his voice and addresses Theresa directly. Before Theresa responds, die mediator calmly suggests an alternative to Curtis: “Why don’t you just talk to me and (the other mediator.]” When Theresa mentions the time Curtis smashed a plate in anger, Curtis shoots back with sarcasm: “I’m allowed one mark on my record.” But the exchange stops there, again thanks to one of the mediator’s superior “hearing”: “What I heard, Curtis, and I’m not sure if you heard this, is that Theresa says she’s done stuff, too.”

The mediators used what’s called a facili- tative approach while working with Curtis and Theresa. Their goal was to keep them talking and to pinpoint what each wants and why — without offering any possible solu¬tions, not even subtly. With the evaluative approach, mediators cover the same ground but gently present ideas: “Have you thought about... "What if we..." "Why don't you try..."

Both approaches yield good results. According to the American Bar Association,

mediation’s success rate is 80 to 90 percent. Compliance, not because mediation is le-

gally-binding but because the parties decide the outcome, is estimated to be at 99 percent.

And on a practical note, mediation is less expensive, approximately one-tenth that of hiring a lawyer. (Lawyers are welcomed, but not required, at mediation sessions). Prices can range from $25 to $200 an hour for a mediator, and some even work for free.

Yet die thing people (end (c like the most about mediation is being heard, and therefore, valued.

In family courts, judges have approximately seven minutes per case. No matter how hard he would have tried, Curtis never could have read the journal entries he felt were important to his case in a brief, cook- two-microwave-meals time span. He had the chance to let go of anger in a safe, constructive manner, at his own pace.

By gently coaching Curtis and Theresa to listen to each other’s concerns and ideas, tire mediators were in a way teaching them skills they might use in the future -r- skills* that are particularly important in an ongoing relationship.

But mediation can help even in cases where the parties most likely won’t be in contact again. Wjth extra-sensitive disputes like those involving sexual harassment, mediation is ideal for both sides. The alleged victim can tell her story in a more private setting, and because mediation is confidential, the process is shielded from the news media. There's a lot of flexibility, too, when thinking of ways to settle a dispute. (See re lated story.)

Another benefit of mediation is that a dispute can be resolved in a matter of days or weeks - not months. A session can generally be scheduled within a day or two, which is rarely the case with a court hearing. In Norfolk, disputants generally wait four or five weeks for a court date. Virginia Beach's courts are even more crowded. There the wait is three or four months. In the meantime, the problem that needs solving can grow* much worse. In a dispute over an ongoing construction project, a months-long wait can mean million-dollar loses. In a dispute over the care of a child, it can mean irreparable damage to the youngster’s psyche.

Recent participants in mediation seem to agree with the experts who tout the process’ benefits. On evaluation forms, they wrote: *I felt the mediation process was a great al-tentative to appearing in court. We were both able to express our concerns in an informal environment. I would recommend all cases go through mediation.” “I believe that mediation is a very resourceful tool to open up communication and empower both parties." “It was a comfortable atmosphere that helped relax me and made discussing our issues much easier. I’d definitely recommend it for everyone.

It's easy to see why mediation has been used die world over for centuries. Before the Renaissance, the Catholic church in Western Europe was considered the central

mediation and conflict management organization in Western society, with clergy medi-

ating family disputes, criminal cases and diplomatic disputes for nobility. Other reli- '

gious leaders, including Jewish rabbis in Europe, also embraced the concept

In America, the Puritans, Quakers and Chinese and Jewish ethnic groups have long employed dispute resolutions techniques. Even before Europeans arrived, Indian tribes were practicing mediation. The Na-. vajo Nation is credited with establishing a program in their tribe, known today as the Navajo Peacemaker Court, in which a tribal leader will mediate to reduce conflict within the community.

So why them, with all the benefits that mediation offers and its long track record, aren’t even more people opting for it? Can we blame it on Judge Judy? Bobby O’Donnell on The Practice? Richard Fish on Ally McBeaYl Greg on Dharma and Greg? Lowell “The Hammer” Stanley? It seems every other program and every other commercial on every other station delivers the same message: Sue, sue, sue.

David McDonald, the founder of the Mediation Center of Hampton Roads, which handles about 50 cases a month, thinks part of the problem is just the nature of native Virginians. Yes, slowly but surely we’re getting more cosmopolitan, especially in Hampton Roads, but many will never be ready to let go of the past.

“Ben Franklin wanted to be in Virginia at the end of the world because he knew it would take 50 years for it to catch on here,” McDonald jokes. “That’s definitely the case in Virginia with mediation.”

Or, a finger could be pointed not at the natives but at the fly-by-nighters. While the military does much to boost Hampton Roads’ economy, it doesn’t always allow people to grow roots — and that means fewer people are inclined to build strong relationships with others in the community. If they encounter a problem, they’d rather go tb court than work on their relationship through mediation. “We’re so transient here, it’s challenging “ says Bob Glover, executive director of the Dispute Settlement Center, Hampton Roads’ only not-for-profit community mediation center. “The idea behind mediation is to connect with other people and for people in the community to help solve community problems.”

Even though no one headed to court over it, the debate surrounding a new location for the Union Mission was a missed opportunity for mediation, says Glover. “They let people talk about their concerns,” he notes, “but that wasn’t enough. A mediator could have listened, too, and worked with both sides to find a solution that everyone could have been happy with.”

Paul Warren, who specializes in commercial mediation, may face even greater challenges than those who generally work on family, community and small-business disputes. In 1993, Virginia passed a law that allows trial courts to refer parties to an evaluation session in which the possibility of mediation can be explored. However, courts that do make referrals generally do so only for domestic cases.

"Because the Virginia system (of mediation) is (linked primarily to) family courts." Warren says, "Virginia i literally 25 years behind in commercial mediation."

Not to far away, up in Washington D.C., where Warren worked in the 80s and early ’90s, things are much different In 1987, a program was started to encourage the use of alternative dispute resolution — which includes case evaluation, mediation, and arbitration.

It was a simple program: Every case had to go through some form of alternative dispute resolution. It was found that a single two-hour session reduced the court’s caseload by well over 50 percent, reports Warren, and for him, it meant he was able to work on hundreds of cases. Today, Warren, who is also a lawyer, splits his time evenly between litigating and mediating.

But don’t get the wrong idea: He, Glover and McDonald aren't all gloom and doom about the state of mediation in Hampton Roads, and they’re certainly not sitting back waiting for Virginians to embrace the concept on their own.

Warren is encouraged that the American Institute of Architects has added to its standard contract a clause stating that any claim can be subject to mediation. (About 50 percent of construction contracts copy the Institute’s standard contract.) He’s also working to get more experts in various commercial fields certified by the Supreme Court of Virginia in mediation. If someone is trained in mediation and understands the business involved in a dispute, he helps the parties save even more time and money because he understands the language they’re speaking. This month, Warren’s teaching a mediation class just for construction professionals.

Glover and the Dispute Settlement Center train mediators as well and are reaching out to agencies like the Norfolk Office of Neighborhoods and Catholic Charities. Through the Office of Neighborhoods, his staff is training civic organizations on how to be more effective when faced with disputes, and at Catholic Charities of Hampton Roads, social worker Alice Alvord is working on her mediation certification, which involves a 20-hour training class, two observations and five co-mediations. She plans to mediate custody disputes between grandparents and parents right at the Catholic Charities office, instead of referring them out.

Glover could be putting himself out of business. One of the mediator trainees at the Settlement Center, Brenda Exmore, is part of a team of seven Norfolk State University faculty and staff members that is seeking mediator certification. The school's goal is to form its own center as a resource for students, faculty and staff.

“Maybe this could be a community resource as well,” speculates Marvin Feit, dean of NSU’s Ethelyn R. Strong School of Social Work. “People could come in from the local community and possibly work on things like police disputes.”

If given the chance, Glover would most likely congratulate Feit for trying to be a competitor of sorts. “We want a cultural understanding of mediation ” he explains. “We want people to have greater access to mediation, and to think of it first for their neighborhood and business disputes.”

McDonald, who opened the Mediation Center of Hampton Roads eight years ago while he also worked in the Virginia Beach Consumer Affairs Division, may have the most reasons to feel optimistic about the future of mediation in Hampton Roads. One year ago, business was good enough for him to leave his day job. And it’s still going strong, even though McDonald jokes about wishing he could afford a billboard on 264 that says “Mediate. Don’t Litigate ”

In July, judges began referring aJI contested cases filed in the Norfolk Juvenile and Domestic Relations District Court for mediation orientation. As of the end of December, that meant 140 cases were given the chance to mediate.

McDonald is campaigning to get all cases '— not just contested ones — referred, and he's looking forward to the possible enact¬ment of the Virginia Administrative Dispute Resolution Act of2001. If it passes, all state agencies issuing contracts would be required to include a clause saying that disputes would be handled through mediation.

In the meantime, McDonald continues to serve clients like the United States Postal Service, to train mediators, and to talk to groups such as the DePaul Medical Center Employee Assistance Program and the elementary guidance counselors in Virginia Beach.

“I was actually talking to the counselors about a co-parenting class I teach,” says McDonald of a presentation in late February, “and what they seemed most interested in was peer mediation.”

It’s a subject McDonald knows about as a professional — and as a parent. His daughter, 10-year-old Marlee, is following in Daddy’s footsteps. She’s a peer mediator at Larchmont Elementary, one of 16 students trained to work with third, fourth and fifth graders facing a dispute.

According to Anne Christie, the school’s guidance counselor, discipline isn’t a problem at Larchmont, but mediation helps im¬prove the students' relationships with one another.

“Mostly we hear things like ‘he stole my crayon,* or ‘he’s teasing me’” Marlee says, careful not to reveal too much information because mediation is confidential, she reminds a questioner. She attended the two training sessions required for new mediators, but she may not have needed them.

“When I was in second grade, two of my neighbors were fighting ” she explains. “We arranged some chairs like a mediation and I was die mediator. They didn’t fight anymore, and that’s when I thought ’mediation is cool.*” Maybe Dad can put that on a billboard.*

•Names and other details have been changed to protect the parties 'identities.

[cosmosogler]

hi guys.

i was gonna start writing on time, but then i got distracted, and then i got sick for a while, so now it is almost exactly 10.

umm... woke up on time. that was cool. even though i had SO MUCH trouble falling asleep last night. going to bed at the same time every night (after meditating even!!!) just doesn’t... work for me, not very well at all.

the lack of sleep also made it very hard to remember what i was dreaming about so i lost that too. i feel like i’m being irresponsible, somehow, for forgetting.

i left for class on time but pedestrians can’t seem to not walk in front of the bus in the middle of the street so it took like 25 minutes to get to the physics building, at which point i barely made it to class in time. but no one showed up for five minutes after that so i guess i was early anyway! a few of us were there... keegan and jennica and i think soham was there too. i have trouble keeping track of people i don’t spend a lot of time talking to.

the professor just kept going and going... even after class was over... more than five minutes overtime. i didn’t have enough time to go to the bathroom before the next class started so i just stood and tried to breathe and felt kind of ill. i asked suzanne if she’d like a copy of my notes since she’s at the funeral. she said yeah. it was nice to have a goal. but the quantum professor was extraordinarily unfocused today. i was actually keeping track of the topic and he would write stuff down and ignore it and never come back to it, or he would write a few things down and then say “forget that” and change the topic or contradict himself. i wrote a few angry notes in with the diagrams and unfinished tables and stuff.

then i called the psychiatrist’s office and verified that they had my information. the scheduling guy told me that my previous doctor had sent 14 pages’ worth of medication history and stuff. i kind of laughed and said “yeah, that sounds about right” and he just hummed. i guess it’s ok he didn’t think it was very funny.

i’ve tried a lot of medications.

then it was time for lab!!! i worked with harrison again today since jennica was teamed up with rebika. in the future i’m going to try to work with someone new every week or two. except taylor, i don’t think we’d get the lab done very efficiently. he decided to work at the front table today, directly in front of me and harrison. and he was also the only person in the room who was standing during the intro. and also moving back and forth every time i tried to lean to see around him. i almost headbutted harrison on accident trying to see around taylor moving further and further to the right.

during lunch i was hangin out with chuck (the supervisor) and jennica and harrison and we were talking about halloween and stuff we used to do as small children. i have... a lot of memories actually? i hate them.

most of them. i don’t have a lot of “definitely good” childhood memories. even really funny ones get kind of overshadowed by “and then i got spat on” or “and then i got pushed into a mud puddle” or “and then i got tied to a soccer goal.”  stories about mom or dad are worse.

when we were heading back to the lab to finish the second half i kind of half-smiled and said “oh, yeah, i guess there’s a reason i don’t think about my childhood a lot. i’m kinda sad now.” 

harrison gave me an odd look and said “you get sad a lot.”

i thought about it for a minute, trying to figure out how to make a stupid joke or pun, but then i just went with a sharp “...yes.” as in, that is true.

he said “that wasn’t a compliment.”

at the time i laughed and said “i didn’t take it as one” but now that i think about it i’m not sure what he was getting at there.

i mean from my classmates’ perspectives i think i just shared a couple of goofy childhood stories about the time my cousin and i (~2 and ~3, respectively) ran over the christmas tree with the barbie jeep we’d just unwrapped, and then suddenly i was super bummed. that’s pretty weird! 

in my head i started thinking about my relationship with my cousin and how weak it is. 

that and thinking about my childhood always has a sort of invisible air of dread and foreboding about it. it’s so hard to form positive memories when they are interlaced with getting punted or told i’m retarded! i wonder why!!!

oh and also my heart problem made everything hurt all the time forever. that explains the dread i guess.

after lab i worked on an optional e&m exercise for a while because i have bad time management skills. it did actually help in class though, knowing that i set up the problem almost right, and that the integral at the end wasn’t actually something i could just solve. the professor didn’t do anything weird but i had a lot of trouble figuring out what he wrote on the board when he decided to write on the far wall by the door so i had to look over everyone else in the class’ heads.

after that i went to the office and talked to jennica about what the plan for the evening was. what i wanted to do was goof off for an hour or so and then get to work back at home. what jennica and the others wanted to do was work hard for an hour or so and then goof off at the bar all evening. so i just went home at 4 instead.

guess whooooooo didn’t get any work done tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when i got home i was so tired... i caught up on weekly internet stuff instead. and i finally took care of snoopy’s rabies tag stuff. then i went to the apartment-wide birthday party held for everyone born in september. i was the only one who showed up besides the office people and their friends.

then it started pouring so i ran back home before things got too rowdy in the sky.

after that i just had no energy and i’m not sure where the time went. i made a little dinner but got too sick to keep eating halfway through. i only had one slice of cake and some chips... i didn’t think it was that bad. but i guess it was! i felt crummy all evening.

but like... i don’t know how it’s been 3 hours since dinner. maybe 2 i could understand, but i don’t know where the time went. well, thinking back, i guess 3 makes sense. maybe it’s more surprising how much screwing around i’ve been able to accomplish in only three hours.

i guess sending my notes over to suzanne felt helpful. like, sorry about hounding you about the homework all day every weekend, but here’s some class notes! hope that totally makes up for being super annoying!!

i was on the bus listening to some tunes when the thought popped into my head, “i want to die.” it was confusing and weird and i’m not sure where it came from. it didn’t really come with any of the usual reasoning and in fact i was feeling pretty calm at the time. so my reaction was more of a “what? no i don’t,” than a “yeah i’m stupid, i should.”

but it is still there, so it’s bothersome. i’m seeing the psychiatrist on monday. changing my meds is really risky... not changing them is kinda risky too though honestly. especially considering that i’m just the special kind of person whose brain makes them stop working after a while! an evolving depression supervirus.

i’m dumb, i took it for granted that my meds would just keep working, surely THIS time they won’t mysteriously stop working, as they have for the last five years straight!! 

i know i realized a long time ago that i don’t seem to be able to get better. i’m just... like this. i knew that already. but being reminded is kind of a bummer. last time i thought about this i kept going, and the time before that, and the time before that... but a lifetime is a long time to be like this. just to be.

that was probably a really worrying thing to say. sorry. i’ll try to talk to my classmates a little more tomorrow. chip away at the isolation... very slowly...

oh and also tomorrow i’m going to buy a bike! i got my paycheck today. i need to adjust my budget... not sure how i feel about riding a bike on the road, considering the bicyclists i know who’ve gotten hit, but it’s going to be a lot easier on my shoulders i think if i can put my groceries in a basket or something instead.

i don’t really want to sleep. but i’m not makin a lot of headway tonight. 

HOLY COW! MY PAYCHECK IS HUGE NOW!!! last time it wasn’t even enough for rent and food every month, but i think i can manage with this now!!!! like i might even manage to build up some emergency savings.

i didn’t stretch today. didn’t get around to it. i will meditate for a few minutes before bed though even though it didn’t help me sleep last night. 

it’s very strange. i don’t think about a lot when i go to bed especially after i clear my head a little. i’m just awake, forever. i’ll shift positions every now and then and realize hey, i’m still awake. hasn’t it been a while now? 

my life has been a dumpster fire for 25 years straight but at least i can do basic physics velocity labs really well. 

that’s the kind of positive thinking i need!!! who cares about all this stuff i can’t do, it’s the little things that count!!!!! my ideas and personality and thoughts are garbage but i can put 2 and 2 together!!!!!!!!!

L̛̙̞̆̔͛̾̿̋ͪͮ ̵ͧ͗ͨ̂҉͕̗̪̳̱̣̮͟ͅȊ̓̓̔̊ͭ̅̑͏̢̨̗͎̙͈̦̪̻̥ ̺̱̩̘̰̯ͭ̏̕T̺̖̭̣̜̺͉͉̯̆ͣͨ͗̋̊ͪ͢ ̷̢͙̪͍͎̥͚́̉͛̅͂͌͆̐̇T̢̘̗̟̰̠͆̄͐ͯ̂ ͦ͂͗ͥͫ́͏̰͇͇̜̯̯̲ͅĻ̸̱̭̣̓̋ͨ͂ͧ͟ͅ ̷̰͕̗͙̪͙̅̉̏̑Ĕ̓̓ͫ̿͘͟҉̻̼ ̛̹͔̗̥̟̗̂̃͢ͅ ̨̲̥̠̟̹̘̪̩̣̐͒ͫ̊̆̃ͩͪT̸̄̌̓̆͐ͣ͛̀͏͔̫̙̤̺ ̛̘̼̋̍̄̐̅̋̚͢ͅH̷̱͎̫̱͇͉͙̥̜ͤ̉̿ ̹̻̮ͯͨͩͅI̡͚̞͎̬̐̑͑̐͐̆͟ ̛̝̯ͥ̓̾͐̔̓N͑͑̾͏̰̗̺́͞ ̸̶̖͙̪̭͑͆͂ͧͩ͊͠G̷̜͍̮̬̦̳̏ͤ̓̈́̂͆͐̀͝ ̧̡̠̖̞̂̊S̨͙̖̩̭̳̟̤ͩͦ̌ͩ̓̚ͅ