#they are so sleepy tired kept insisting they didnt wanna go back to sleep and now they are resting again<3

[sunflowerseraph]

Boys will get woken up from a nap and go right back to sleep

[the-sunshine-dims]

amnesia rewrite! (chapter 6)

ch 1 | ch 2 | ch 3 | ch 4 | ch 5 | ch 7 | ch 8 |

original fic

words: 1692

ao3

contents and warnings: amnesia, deaged Janus, food, fluff, weeping angel mention, pranks, 

____

Patton knew individually both Virgil and Janus were very strong spirits, and he had learned over the past couple weeks that together they were.. well, chaotic, but surely

surely.

It wouldn’t be normal for them to do- well whatever they did, Patton could only guess as roman chased them, covered in a sparkly goop, and yelling a couple of nonsense phrases as well as what Patton could only make out as “undo it!” 

He really hoped it wouldn’t be normal.

Patton pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing to himself, before taking pity on both poor Roman and the flooring which was ever so slowly being fully covered with the goop as well, he loudly coughed to get their attention, having the intended effect of having them all halt in there running, “did you two do this?” He asked in his practiced and patented dad voice, already pretty certain he knew the answer but still asking anyway.

Janus immediately piped up, taking the attention from Virgil who had actually not fully stopped and had kept slowly side-stepping away from roman “No!” He told him insistently, not wanting him or Virgil to get in trouble and have the invite of movie night be rescinded, it was the first time it was calm enough and no one was too busy for one, which meant it was his first movie night, he didn’t want to miss it! still despite his very best attempt it was very very, abundently clear to Patton that he was lying, which wasn’t as big a surprise as Janus wished it would be, after all, he was a very shifty character.

the effort made Patton make sure to be soft with his tone however before he was just about to reply Virgil spoke up to talk to Janus, “dee patt’s smart enough to know we did it- and even if he didn’t would you really wanna not take credit for the awesome prank?” He asked vaguely motioning to Roman who was halfway across the room from him now.

Janus pouted- actually pouted and Patton couldn’t help but silently chuckle to himself, thankfully unnoticed by all other parties, and once he had stopped pouting he just turned around to face patton and immediately looked down to fiddle with his sleeves as he quietly went “okay.. we did, ‘m sorry” he said, focusing his attention on Patton.

“You don’t need to apologize to me, Roman’s the one who’s affected and deserves an apology.” he told him, and speaking of Roman, “Roman when you’re ready the bathroom should be free why don’t you take a shower, it doesn’t appear that the goo was made with just a snap,” Roman sighed loudly before nodding and Patton smiled at him before turning his attention once again to the two chaos bringers “now, you two clean the mess from when he was chasing after you and later you’ll have to help me with movie night preparation, sound relatively Fair?” 

Virgil, Janus, and Roman mumbled a chorus of yes’s, Romans more prominent as he was happy to get some retribution for their crimes. Patton nodded- mostly to himself, “good.” 

It would be days before he ended up admitting to the two that he actually found the prank kind of funny, because by then Roman, while still acting offended by the pure mention of it, everyone could tell that it was purely lighthearted and he was in no way mad.

It would be only hours though until he admitted it was adorable and so very sweet how much Janus had latched and pretty much imprinted onto Virgil, following him around like a little duckling, (and when Virgil was truly busy Roman was a close second, however, it didn’t seem to save him.)

_______

“..Roman why are you sparkly?” 

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” roman grumbled back.

Patton chuckled as he listened to the short-lived conversation of the two from the kitchen, Virgil and Janus had been helping him with prepping everything for the movie night but as making popcorn was the last thing they needed to do (and they and Roman had gotten banned from the kitchen because while one of them had tried to make pasta while waiting for the plain water to heat up it somehow caught on fire) so he let them go, to do what they wanted to do until everyone gathered for the movie.

After a bit he was finally done popping it so he then sifted popcorn into the two bowls, one for just melted butter and salt for Logan and Virgil and one bowl with sugar and melted butter for Roman and himself and maybe Remus if he joined them, and Janus was welcome to both as Patton hadn’t really been able to memorize his favorite yet.

He smiled as walked out, quickly setting the popcorn bowls down onto the coffee table, before happily sitting and leaning into Roman’s side, he hummed quietly to himself as he waited for Virgil to come back down before he noticed that Janus was just standing there, near the tv not really doing something, barely even moving.

He took worry-filled moment to take a breath before just going “hey dee? You wanna sit down kiddo?” And Patting the spot next to him, he didn’t want him to feel like the odd one out and feel too awkward to sit down, so he wanted to offer a clear invitation just incase, logan had said he occasionally needed that.

Janus glanced at Patton momentarily, before shaking his head insistently “no, waiting,” He explained, well it might’ve been explaining to him but it gave much more questions than answers, and honestly it was kind of scaring Patton especially as he immediately went back to staring at a specific spot, and a long while back Virgil had introduced him to what weeping angels were, so now he was scared to look away when his kiddos stared at either him or a very specific spot that didn’t ever vary for a prolonged time.

After a bit Virgil came down and sat right next to Logan, who had been silently reading a book against the armrest,

Then the moment Virgil sat down and everybody got situated- not even a second later, Janus ran full force at the couch and threw himself onto them, eliciting a variety of startled yelps and shrieks from them, and after a moment of him just happily using all of theirs legs as pillows as they remained completely stunned, Roman, Logan, and Paton just started to make noises of both bewilderment and dramatic alarm, however, the former was more of Romans doing, despite the only Part of Janus that was even touching him was his arms, extended like a stretching cat, though honestly despite the earlier prank Patton felt like if it had been anyone else and not Janus who had done that Roman would make much more fanfare about the throwing themself at them at all, Patton smiled to himself at the notion before grabbing the remote and stretching to hand it to Logan, absentmindedly starting to card his fingers through Janus’s hair.

Janus smiled contently as he got comfortable, happy with just being so close to his family. 

_______

It had been maybe two and a half movies before Patton looked around, about to tell them another movie-based pun before he realized that They all had fallen fast asleep, Roman’s head lulled to the side and leaning on him much more than patton realized, Virgil cuddling Logan closely, and Janus holding patton’s arm captive, close to his chest, Patton barely suppressed an adoring coo with just how adorable the scene was before he realized that one of them wasn’t asleep, though he wasn’t that far away from it.

He looked over to focus more on Logan, who was trying so hard to watch the movie, blinking his eyes open after they started drooping more than three times in a single minute. 

Patton smiled fondly before quietly going “lo, dear, you should go to sleep,”

Logan paused as he processed his words before he gave Patton a sheepish- and very groggy- smile, then he looked down to his lap, doing his best to avoid eye contact, and Patton realized a very important thing as Logan mumbled “‘mm don’ wanna move,” because while Virgil was very cuddly currently, Logan was equally cuddly, and he appeared very content to be so.

Patton chuckled softly as he understood, before going to shake his head lovingly, “lo-lo you don’t have to go upstairs to go to bed, you can just go to sleep in the cuddle pile with us, I was just saying if you're sleepy it’d be good to go to sleep.”

Logan made a small little “oh” sound, making it abundantly obvious even if it wasnt already that he was too tired to of even considered that, before grinning so brightly and so groggily and happily collapsing into Virgil’s chest.

And Patton couldn’t see exactly but he wouldn’t be surprised if Logan instantly fell asleep, he gave a small chuckle before doing his best to cover everybody with the blankets they had gradually grabbed and brought over to the couch to make sure no one got cold in the middle of the night.

After he was done he grabbed the remote from where Logan had put it and turned the tv off, soon continuing to card his fingers through Janus’s hair with his non-stolen hand.

And as Janus just melted even more at the contact Patton’s heart just melted once. 

It didnt take long for patton to start getting drowsy now that he didnt have something to pay attention to and soon Janus and Patton started to Have incoherent conversations, Patton didn't even know if he had partially awoken or if it was just mid-sleep mumbles, but it didn't matter because he wasn’t even forming real or coherent words either, suddenly too tired to even realize it.

And not long after he could only yawn as he tried to keep his eyes open, before just collapsing against Roman’s shoulder and being the final one to quickly doze off.

[irastayshome]

Ibrahim's birth

Ibrahim arrived in this world on 21st January 2017. Back then, we were lucky to afford a doula because I was hella nervous about the whole birthing process and tbh my head wasnt in the game because of all the stress at work. After the 'hard part' was over, and as I held my son, I vividly remember my doula saying that the easy part was over and the hard part of being a parent has just begun. I thought it was a joke at the time because, well, what could be harder than pushing a 3 kg baby out of your vagina? 2 yrs and 6mths on, I have mentally kicked myself in the head for taking my doula's words lightly. These days, I consider it a win when I do not raise my voice or completely lose my sh** and raise my hands at my son. I keep needing reminders of what it took to get him into this world and the many moments we failed him along the way so that I do not be complacent and mistreat him.

So I thought I might write his birth story down after all. Didn't really wanna remember all the details of something that feels rather insignificant now, but some days at home are just rough and a good reminder is useful.

*

19 January 2017. I had been on maternity leave for a week, but only just completed my case transfers from home. My mamamia had been insisting that I sleep over her place once a week for the last trimester on Hasyali's night shifts. I didnt mind at all, because my r/s with my parents have improved significantly after moving out. Distance is truly necessary sometimes.

It finally dawned upon me that I was due in a week. Being last minute as I always am, I tried to 'catch up' on the squats that my doula/birth educator had been reminding us to do at 9 pm. But really, i was just doing it for fun cause like it would make any difference at 39 weeks, esp since ive been treating my body like crap while handing over my work the last few weeks. Planned to youtube more exercises to speed up labour etc etc but fell into the rabbit hole of "natural birth positions" and "painfree birth vlogs" and before I knew it, I was hooked on the Midwives yt tv series till i fell asleep at 5 am. Damn youtube.

20th January 2017. 7 am. Felt like I ate something so bad and had to do a big one. And so I did, groggily, and went back to sleep. Feeling so smug that I could finally sleep in on a weekday. 9 am. What is going on with my bowels??? Tried to recall what I ate last night, but dont care just sleep after the business. 10.30 am. Sat up and mentally admitted that those horrid pains at the bottom of my tummy could actually be contractions! Trying to keep cool, I ate breakfast quickly, trying to mask my ronyok face each time the tightenings came by because nyayi was there and I just did not wanna tell my family. pretty sure they would have shipped me off to the hospital immediately.

Took cab back at 12.30pm and smsed hubs about the contractions, saying it could potentially be the real thing. But not sure, so I timed them in the cab. 10 mins apart. regular. oh crap its happening. Got home, discovered the bloody show. So yup i got my confirmation. Smsed hubs a photo of it but told him to just take it easy, go solat Jumaat and just slowly pack his bag aftee. He just got off his night shift so he probably hasnt slept at all. Told doula Kak Hajjar about whats going on, and was advised to just relax and walk2 until i cant talk anymore from the pain. Hubs came back, and i took off on a birth walk alone around the estate. Every few mins, I just stopped and breathed deeply, sorely regretting not pestering my hubs to come along bcoz adoi sakit and nothing to squeeze or hold on to. and in the 3 pm sun no less.

Came back, started panicking when i realised hubs belum pack!! what is it with men and last minute packing?? feeling annoyyed bcoz im about to do some serious work but he cant even get started on packing. but ok takpe, got in the shower to cool down and to relieve the pain while he packed. Contractions were now 4 mins apart, but I could still talk. NUH told me to come in now. Doula told me to wait till i cant talk. The kancong me decided to go anyway, worried about the rush hour jam on the start of a weekend.

Arrived at NUH at 6 pm, realising that id skipped lunch. I was hungry, and oh no so damn sleepy bcoz i barely slept the night before! Damn youtube. Ate mr bean pancake with hubs. Met doula who told.me i dont look like its time bcoz i could talk and joke about. I admit i secretly thought that it was because i had a high tolerance for pain hahahaha joke. Entered the delivery ward at 7 pm, was 4 cm dilated. Yay! but wait what, all that pain and only 4 cm? oh no.

So began the longest night of my life. Doulla massaged my back and did hip squeezes through contractions, and I occasionally swayed while standing with hubs. These two were just incredible birth partners. My labour pains were rough at the front, but damn the back labour pains were friggin insane! Felt like maybe I had tentacles trying to burst out of my spine and turn into Doc Ock.

At some point, i remember just saying random supplications and feeling so regretful that i had not rehearsed what selawats I wanted to read in those moments bcoz my head was really jammed up trying to manage the pain. By 3 am my body felt like it had gone through a marathon and i really did fall asleep between contractions out of sheer exhaustion. It was exhausting to just tahan the pain.

By 4 ish am (hazy on the details by now), a VE confirmed I was 9 cm dilated. At this point I was already vomitting and my head hurt so much from tahaning the pain. I remembered thinking, or maybe even saying out loud, that I wanted them to cut the baby out. Im pretty sure I was transitioning at that point but I didnt know bcoz my mind was too panicky. They told me the head was still too high to push, so they offered to burst my waterbag, but said theres no assurance it would bring the head down but wld certainly intensify the contractions. I was pretty sure I would pass out if they intensified, out of exhaustion. and never mind that I was barely able to wake up btwn contractions due to my flu and fever (yes ARGH hate flu during labour). So I refused and waited for news that im fully dilated.

6 am. Still at 9 cm. My head was thinking "how long did Kak Hajjar say transitions lasted again?? takkan lama gini??" This time, my mental strength just gave way. I screamed for an epidural. I remember feeling so terrified that my baby would be stuck while im pushing, because I had zero energy left. Fatigued from the pain and the fever, I pleaded for an epidural again n again. I rmbr my doula, my husband, the nurses all giving me such kind words of support, saying ive gone si far and am at the last lap, and encouraged me to stick to my birth plan of going without medication. But I was too defeated by exhaustion and just wanted to sleep. Hahahaha. Like i literally said "yang, i nak tido" and started to cry.

So they called in the anesthesiologist (dunno the spelling). While he prepped the long-ass needle, I felt a huge gush of warm water down there. My waters broke. At this point I could have just waited for the head to descend, but I was too tired and looking forward to a promised 2 hour rest before pushing. So I kept quiet about it. I was in tears, out of disappointment at myself for not being able to ride out the exhaustion. But my doula was so kind and reminded me that God is the best of planners, and perhaps this was the way for me to achieve a natural birth still and avoid any emergency csection if I could not push. The nurses too were angels, and kept assuring me I had tried really hard for a long time and shouldn't beat myself up. And so I slept. That was the best 2 hour sleep of my life. pretty sure I snored and drooled, in the presence of my doula. Nak kata paiseh but nah I was too tired to care, and all modesty had left the room hours ago.

8 am. Woken up by cheerful nurses who told me it was time to start pushing. I just wanted to sleep in longer, but then I remembered oh ya baby is still inside. That epidural was gooooood. So began pushing. It felt so weird pushing when I cant feel anything moving down there. They had to tell me when to push i.e. when contractions came, and kept telling me I was pushing wrong and i had to do it as how i would when pooping. I suddenly didnt know how pooping felt like anymore. Kept pushing for an hour plus, but apparently the head keeps going back in. My husb and I had affectionately named our foetus "jubjub", just to avoid calling it the baby during the pregnancy. and my doula joked that perhaps the baby keeps going back in bcoz we named him jubjub like the muppet from Hi-5 that likes to peekaboo around. haha that was a good one.

My gynae finally came in around 9.30 am ish. She told me that I had to do an episiotomy to help push the baby out. My husband stopped her and told her to let me continue trying. But eventually she kept persisting and my husband apparently could not tahan seeing me push so hard anymore (he said the veins on my face look like they were gonna burst). So he agreed. The moment she cut, I pushed and felt the head empty out of me. I thought that was weird cause I was on epidural, but apparently they reduced the dose while pushing. A few more pushes later, I heard it. Ibrahim's first cries. The nurses and my doula congratulating me. My husband telling me I did it and he was proud of me. But mainly, Ibrahim's cries. 21st January 2017, at 10.03am.

They placed him on my chest. I cried. and cried. And i thought he was the most perfect thing I could ever hold in this world.

Dearest Ibrahim, a mother can love her husband out of choice, but theres simply no choice in this love I have for you. It is so raw and intense and relentless, that Im so consumed by it from the moment I held you. There are days, now, when I feel your anger towards me because I am so hard on you, especially since im not very good at coping with the two of you. But I hope you never feel that I love you any less when I get angry. and I hope you truly forgive me when you give me a hug after I apologise each time for beating you. You deserve so much better, and i'll keep striving to be a better mother to you and adik.

Ok bye. Am gonna cry my eyes out now. Damn birth stories.

[distanceinthought]

can’t get, i can’t get, can’t get close enough be close to you  can’t get, i can’t get there an inch is a canyon

Don't know what to say, don't know what to do Split a hundred ways when I'd really like to follow you Creatures gonna run, people gonna move I don't really know what I'm getting myself into

I know I want you but I'm drowning in fear I know I want you but I'm drowning in fear I know I want you but I'm drowning in fear I'm finally ready Help me up up out of here

I wanna cross your borders I wanna take my time

So put your arms around me And put the cards on the table It's just you and I With no distractions, our ghosts behind us

I know I'm pretending When I try to have an answer It's not what I intended And I don't know what comes after

the room was dark, and we were alone. everyone was drunk downstairs in the lounge. i was drunk too. he had come up to charge his phone.  it usually starts with me leaning on the bed, and him laying on it.  i don’t remember everything i said, but i know that he’d sat up to face me, and i had my elbows resting on his knees. his lips were resting against my forehead. his breathing was steady. his hands were on my shoulders.  “it’s weird, yknow? you’re still the same person.” i was idly twirling his hair in my fingers. it was so soft. “i like-- i loved you once.” “you did, yes,” he sounded sleepy, but not annoyed.  “but like, did it ever...” i trailed off. “did it ever really stop?”  he laughed softly and shrugged. “who knows?”  “you’re the same person.” i was very hung up on that idea. so many buried memories had been resurfacing, and it was hard to connect them to the present. “you’re very different, but very..the same? and i think i might have made a disconnect. like the you then and the you now are different people?” i was struggling with words, but he’d seemed to have gotten used to that.  “i know what you mean,” he pulled back to look at me, and i kissed him.  i’m not sure if the next thing i said was before or after.  “i missed this.” it was out before i had a chance to filter it. i was thinking out loud. my forehead was resting on his shoulder, and his chin was resting on my head. we were holding hands.  he chuckled softly, but didn’t reply.  “i’m not sure what i mean by that,” i said. i was still thinking out loud. no filter. “i mean i guess i do, but..do you? do you understand?” i pulled my head away to squint up at him.  he nodded and smiled, kissing my forehead, and then my lips. “i think so.”  after that, i’d hopped up on the bed by him. we sat cross legged and faced each other, and i sort of basked in being able to just rest my forehead against his. we were alone, but we still whispered.  “remember when i vented to you a few days ago? the super long message about everything going on in my head?” i asked.  he nodded, his hands moving to rest on my knees.  “i told you that the first time i was here i thought about kissing you,” i said. “there are a lot of those. moments like that, i mean.”  “is there?” he asked.  i kissed him as a response. they were different than before. longer. deeper? three in a row, and then i pulled back and held my face in my hands.  he chuckled and pulled my hands away, holding them down. “what’s up?”  “i can never get passed three, did you notice?” i kept my eyes closed.  he kissed me again. “yes.” and then again. and then again.  i counted them silently in my head. i pulled away at four.  “see!” i opened my eyes. “i got passed three there.~”  he grinned. “did you though?”  i smiled back. “i’m..not sure? should i try again?”  more kisses. six of them this time. i didnt fully pull away after the last, and i left my forehead resting against his. “more than three that time.”  “probably, yes.” he was smiling. his teeth were very bright in the dark.  the door opened suddenly, and red stumbled in. we insisted he wasn’t interrupting anything, and then we went and joined him in the drinking. later that night i lurked and fucked myself up. the next day was hard.  two days later, last night, i caught him before he went to bed. in the dark hallway of his suite, i asked if i could ask him something. i stood up on my tiptoes when i hugged him. i like being his height. sometimes, most times, i want to be taller.  “is this a thing, or should i prepare myself?” i asked. i was leaning up against the wall, straining to the tallest i could be. strands of his hair were moving idly between my fingers. it had come out of the braids i had put it in earlier.  “what?” he asked. his eyes were heavily lidded, and he looked tired.  my confidence broke, but i repeated myself. i think i added “imminent heartbreak,” but im not sure.  he pulled away. “i don’t really know what i’m doing,” he said. “with anything. definitely not right now.” he looked down. “just know that.”  i dropped his hair and let my hands fall to my sides. “that’s fine.” it was dark, and my throat was burning from an earlier mouthful of vodka. my eyes started to water. he didn’t see.  “okay,” he said. he kissed my forehead. “g’night.”  i pulled him back when he turned away and kissed him quickly. “’night.” he went to bed. i slept in the room next door.   an inch is a canyon

the next morning i needed to get my things to leave. he didnt reply to my messages. he didnt answer my calls. he was online. i knocked on the door, no reply.  a while later he messaged apologizing and asking if i was still there. “we’d been sleeping,” he typed. i should have guessed by that, but i didnt. i said yes, i was still there, and he said it was okay to come get my things. i knocked and answered the door, and my stomach dropped.  unwanted. unwelcome. leave. say nothing.  a conversation was had with someone else. another memory stash about that will come later. one at a time. easier that way. too jumbled otherwise.  i came back to the room after said conversation, my hurried excuse being that i’d lost a pair of jeans. i hadn’t, but i couldn’t find another reason to come say goodbye, besides just coming to say goodbye. we looked, didn’t find them, and then i rushed out a goodbye.  “alright, i’m out then,” i said. my voice shook a little. we hugged, and my arms were tight around him. “i’m sorry,” i whispered.  “it’s fine,” he replied.  i pulled away. “see you,” i said.  “see you.” we didn’t kiss.  i left.  an inch is a canyon

Don't know what to say, don't know what to do Split a hundred ways when I'd really like to follow you Creatures gonna run, people gonna move I don't really know what I'm getting myself into