#they are trying to get Pedro to come out somehow asking all those lgbtq+ questions

[malinculia]

i'm not gonna reblog it bc i don't want a gifset of pedro being harassed on my blog, but it's so fucking bad like he was literally on the phone trying to get on his car can everyone for the love of god just leave that man alone

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: WONDER WOMAN 1984

You guys! Now that the holidaze are over, I finally got around to watching the #1 most hated movie of the holiday season: Wonder Woman 1984! People have so many opinions about this movie AND NOW I DO TOO! I even have some thoughts on the wigs! Let’s discuss.

We begin in Themyscira, land of Amazons, fishtail braidology, Robin Wright, NO EFFING MEN, and also this weird Amazon gladiator gauntlet that is mainly brought to you by lots of computers. Baby Gal Gadot (nee Wonder Woman) is allowed to compete in this CGI decathalon despite being 1/3 the size and age of the other competitors and almost wins the damn thing but Auntie Robin Wright disqualifies her for trying to cheat to win. About 4 hours later, toward the end of this movie, Wonder Woman also tries to “cheat” at something so this is kinda sorta foreshadowing if you believe that the writers of this screenplay even had that forethought! 

Moving ahead to 1984, this movie just gets SO 1984. Or really “1984″ in the Stranger Things sense, in that they even used the damn mall that that show takes place in and some dumb criminals steal some jewelry and Wonder Woman saves the day and also comically saves some kids who could have been hurt. I am still bitterly injured by Gal Gadot’s wig, which is not so bent and tangled as the first Wonder Woman movie. Still, the general texture and quality leave something to be desired AS DOES THIS WHOLE MOVIE BUT I AM GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF!! Anyway, other than foiling crimes at malls, Gal Gadot mainly lives a sad single life in DC where she pines away for Chris Pine in her fabulous apartment, surrounded by an astonishing amount of photographs of her late boyfriend, given the fact that the pictures she has of him are from the 1910s when not everyone had a damn photo printer. Absent of course, is the photograph of her and her ragtag WWI buddies which is delivered to her at the end of the first Wonder Woman movie in the present day and therefore hasn’t happened yet and here begins and ends all logic in this movie. 

Anyway! Gal Gadot works with Kristen Wiig, who does her fabulously awkward Kirsten Wiig thing as a nerdy scientist who is largely overlooked by all of society and who wears upsetting culottes and oversized sweatshirts and drinks Bartles and Jaymes (THIS MOVIE MISSES NO OPPORTUNITIES TO #80s). Her wig, as all wigs worn by Kristen Wiig in movies, is a horrible mess of bad texture and general bentness. Also, together she and Gal Gadot are sifting through the jewelry stolen by those thieves at the mall and there is one particular giant crystal or whatever that seems to possess magical properties. Yes, like the Infinity Stones that came (and then kept coming!)  AND YES I REALIZE THAT THAT IS MCU AND THIS IS DC BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER: EVERY GODDAMNED SUPERHERO MOVIE IS SOMEHOW ABOUT HAUNTED JEWELRY.

Enter Pedro Pascal in the most outrageous 80s wig in honestly the most outrageous 80s role. He essentially plays Donald Trump - a start-up conning people out of money who is also a terrible dad and has terrible hair. I really wondered for much of this movie if this wig was supposed to be a wig, because it looks as fake and wig-like as Trump’s hair, but no - I think this is supposed to be real hair! Truly truly truly outrageous. Anyway, dude basically doesn’t want to work hard to get rich (again, much like Trump!) and instead wants to just wish his way into success via this dream crystal that Gal Gadot and Kristen Wiig have.

OH AND THEY ALREADY WISHED ON THE CRYSTAL! Kristen Wiig wishes to be like Gal Gadot (not realizing that she’s actually wishing to be Wonder Woman) and gets the most outrageous makeover into this bleached blonde nightmare. AND EVERYONE IS JUST LIKE WOW YOU’RE NOT WEARING CULOTTES ANYMORE I GUESS THIS IS NORMAL FOR YOU TO SUDDENLY LOOK THIS WAY AND FOR YOUR HAIR TO INEXPLICABLY BE INCHES LONGER IN THE COURSE OF AN AFTERNOON. Also! Although this bleached blonde wig is maybe an upgrade from her mousy wig from before, that really means nothing as both wigs are garbage.

Gal Gadot’s wish, of course, was for her ain’ true love, Chris Pine, to come back. AND THEN HE DOES! SORTA! Despite being definitely exploded in a plane in 1918 (in the first movie - spoiler?), he just kinda walks into this fancy party like “hey what’s up?” OH EXCEPT FOR ONE SMALL THING.

HE LOOKS LIKE THIS DUDE TO EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT GAL GADOT. Ok? I guess because Chris Pine’s actual physical body was destroyed in 1918, he has to inhabit the body of this random man credited only as ‘Handsome Man’ in 1984 which really begs the question - what then happens to this handsome dude while Chris Pine shapeshifts into him and does anyone care? ALSO! Plot-wise, this is just the tip of the iceberg in crystal wishes - basically everyone on earth gets a wish before film’s end and all are fulfilled no matter how ludicrous - and yet no other wish seem to have these sort of strings attached EXCEPT FOR WONDER WOMAN! WHY DOES ONLY WONDER WOMAN GET THE PET SEMATARY OF WISHES?!?!?!

Anyway! Lucky for us all, ‘Handsome Man’ has the most 80s closet ever! As we all know, movies set in the 80s are contractually obligated to provide us with a very 80s fashion montage and this one is ALL ABOUT CHRIS PINE. Somehow, ‘Handsome Man’ owns like 10 different fanny packs?!?! Every single 80s menswear disaster is covered here at least three times you guys.

About 3 hours later, he settles on this outfit! Mazel!  I’d like to pause this review to now give my definitive breakdown of CHRIS rankings (limited only to the 4 young-ish, blonde-ish Chris actors who appear in superhero movies) so that I might now abbreviate Chris Pine to #2 Chris WHICH HE IS. Ahem:

- BEST CHRIS is obviously CHRIS EVANS. This is because he gets into Twitter wars with racists, he offered his arm of support to Regina King when she stumbled getting her Oscar, and he wears the shit out of a sweater. There are many other reasons also but no other Chris can compare - HE IS BEST CHRIS.

- WORST CHRIS is obviously CHRIS PRATT. This is because he is super Jesusy evangelical and also anti-LGBTQ and married a Schwarzenegger (tho Arnold wishes he was Evans too!). There are many other reasons why but those are the most important reasons. WORST CHRIS.

- #2 CHRIS is a constant battle between CHRIS HEMSWORTH AND CHRIS PINE. Hemsworth is very funny in the lady Ghostbusters, was once on Dancing With The Stars in Australia, and can really commit to a fatsuit. Pine is great at singing on a Wet Hot American Summer roof OR a river, loves caftans, and is loved by the one and only Wonder Woman. It’s an infinity tie between these two and therefore #2 Chris is in the eye of the beholder during whatever you are beholding, and currently we’re beholding Pine. #2 CHRIS! 

Yes, this lengthy roundup was definitely worth it so that I can abbreviate Chris Pine to #2 Chris now. Moving on!

So Gal Gadot and #2 Chris walk through a very 80s DC while #2 Chris’s mind gets blown by all the stuff that is different in the 70s years he’s been dead. No 80s movie would be complete without of course covering PUNKS!!! This is where this movie definitely lost my husband because one of these punks is wearing a Cro-Mags shirt from an album THAT CAME OUT IN 1986. This offends me, also, not because I care about that band but because this is lazy costuming! Apparently, my husband was not the only one to notice this and become deeply offended - and Cro-Mags cofounder even chimed in to say that this is all ok because they released a demo for the ‘86 album in 1984 (AND WE ALL KNOW EVERYONE DEFINITELY MAKES SHIRTS BASED ON DEMO ALBUMS?) I still find this lazy and stupid costuming and remain annoyed! ANYWAY!

Back to the “plot”...Kristen Wiig and Pedro Pascal’s confederacy of bad wigs kinda sorta hook up at this dumb party so that Pedro Pascal can steal that very important wishing crystal! AND THEN HE WISHES ON THE CRYSTAL THAT HE CAN BE THE CRYSTAL. Haunted jewelry plots have never been so dumb as this you guys! AND ALL OF THE INFINITY STONES MOVIES WERE INFINITELY STUPID SO THIS IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING.

So basically, after 70 years apart, Gal Gadot and #2 Chris have no more time to waste on fanny pack fashion shows or questionable metro punks and have to follow Pedro Pascal to Egypt, where he has gone to demand some oil from Egypt now that he is the physical manifestation of a wishing crystal. In order to get to Egypt themselves, Gal and #2 Chris steal a plane from the Smithsonian (which apparently just has some jets laying around some random tarmac) and then Gal WISHES THE JET INTO BEING INVISIBLE! This is obviously to fuel Wonder Woman invisible jet nostalgia and also to waste about 45 minutes on shots of them invisibly flying through fireworks. BECAUSE IT’S THE 4TH OF JULY WAIT HOW DID THEY VISIT ANY MUSEUMS OR DO ANYTHING ON A NATIONAL HOLIDAY EARLIER THAT DAY OH RIGHT THERE IS NO LOGIC IN THIS MOVIE. Over in Egypt, the wishing crystal Pedro Pascal hisself somehow creates a water shortage and refugee crisis in Egypt and Gal has to Wonder Woman some kids to safety, but mainly she wears this amazing jumpsuit and is able to find a working payphone to call Kristen Wiig and ask if she has any intel on that damn wishing crystal.

Kristen Wiig is somehow EVEN MORE BLONDE AND WEARING THIS DAMN COAT. I mean...you guys. WHAT. Like any good 80s thriller, Kristen Wiig researched the wishing crystal on microfiche which leads her to a random record store where she meets up with Gal and #2 Chris who I guess flew the invisijet back to DC from Egypt in a few minutes or something. Anyway, rando dude at the record store takes out some musty old book that has all the wishing crystal information everyone needed and basically warns that it can destroy society AND ALSO it can take things away from the wisher like a damn monkey’s paw. SPEAKING OF MONKEYS THAT COAT THE END.

But Kristen Wiig’s makeover is far from over! She finally appears as Cheetah herself at the damn White House, where the wishing crystal Pedro Pascal is asking a fake Ronald Reagan (?) if he can please satellite everyone on the earth so he can grow stronger as a crystal person OR SOMETHING? Anyway, Kristen’s lewk is very “punk” but not in a Cro-Mag way, but more in a Meryl Streep in Ricki and the Flash way? It’s a battle of not great wigs, at any rate. Kristen doesn’t want anyone harming her wishing crystal Pedro since that’s what made her Cheetah so there is this huge dumb fight where Pedro and Kristen just kinda glide away (not unlike actual Trump and his idiots last week and omg did this movie foretell that) and then Gal realizes that she has to denounce her wish because the monkey paw’s clause of it all is making her not powerful enough to fight anymore. So #2 Chris is like: I should just be dead anyway and my whole existence is very Pet Sematary and everyone kind of cries in an alley and #2 Chris dies again (?) Also! I think this is supposed to have been foretold by that earlier scene with baby Gal Gadot trying to cheat at that decathalon or whatever because you can’t cheat....death??? Regardless, Gal jumps into the sky and somehow is ABLE TO FLY BASED ON AERODYNAMIC FACTS #2 CHRIS GAVE HER WHILE FLYING AN INVISIJET? SURE!

Over in another plane, Pedro and Kristen are on their way to some satellite island to broadcast to the world about crystal wishes and dude is not looking so great because wishing that you are a crystal is a terrible idea. This is the point at which I realized that this wig was supposed to be real hair because it looks so sweaty and shitty but has consistently looked like a shitty wig through this entire “plot.” Anyway! He asks Kristen Wiig if she wants another wish which....huh? Somehow Gal Gadot’s wish ended up a Pet Sematary nightmare of possessed handsome man bodies that she had to renounce but Kristen Wiig gets two wishes? SURE! AND KRISTEN WIIG WISHES THAT SHE BECOME THE “ULTIMATE PREDATOR” WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS MOVIE Y’ALL.

APPARENTLY THIS IS WHAT AN ULTIMATE PREDATOR LOOKS LIKE?!?!?! YOU GUYS. In order to literally become a Cheetah, they gave Kristen Wiig a CGI body and....kabuki makeup? This lewk absolutely looks like a mashup between two dueling community theater productions of Cats and Pacific Overtures and I can’t stop laughing. 

Meanwhile, Gal finally gets to rock this lewk which was earlier described as the battle armor of the goddess, Asteria, who was the one chick NOT invited to  Themyscira for Amazonian fishtail braidology times, and had to stay behind to FIGHT EVERY MAN ON EARTH but did get this sweet armor out of it?!?! Regardless, despite withstanding all men ever, Cheetah somehow effs up this armor in a matter of seconds, but Gal is still able to defeat her through underwater electrocution (which somehow avoids Gal herself even though SHE’S WEARING AN ENTIRE SUIT OF METAL). 

Anyway, in the end, the entire world is on the brink of collapse and eveyone is looking at old dumb 80s tv screens because of all the dumb wishes everyone made and I guess I appreciate the fact that this entire movie is about dumb 80s wish fulfillment but also there are so many plotholes that I can’t even, you guys. Gal somehow lassoes Pedro Pascal into remembering his shitty dad and realizes that he is now a shitty dad and everyone somehow renounces their wishes and Pedor Pascal just kind of WALKS OFF AN ISLAND INTO THE DEBRIS OF DC AND FINDS HIS CHILD BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD?!?!?!?! It’s really annoying that this movie somehow rewards this shitty dad but also doesn’t let a woman (specifically WONDER WOMAN) have both a love life and her own damn job and I’m not alone in being annoyed by that. ANYWAY, days or weeks after the entire world almost ended, there is somehow a cute Christmas carnival that was definitely a stolen set from Dolly Parton’s Christmas in the Square where Gal Gadot is reunited with ‘Handsome Man’ who has no knowledge of previously being possessed by #2 Chris and is still rocking ALL THIS 80s FASHION and then a star shaped balloon is released into the sky and I wonder if this entire movie has been a Macy’s ad. 

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! In a mid-credits scene which is also maybe the only watchable part of this movie, the goddess Asteria (and OG owner of that gold body armor) is revealed to be alive and well and played by OG Wonder Woman, LYNDA EFFING CARTER!! She is definitely an actual goddess who never ages and whose hair is way better than any wigs on display at any point in this movie and is also the only part of the movie you should watch. THE END.

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ