#they both have anger issues though. thats their shared trait

[ccrv-7]

little bit insane over mithan again bc it IS just emotionally vulnerable guy x toxic masculinity girl which is like. THEE archetype everrrrrrrr to meeeeeeee

[ultimate-seamster]

Diary Entry 11 (Chapter 1)

So Mariko, you want me to share my true thoughts about everyone? Huh? You really do? Well strap in bitch, cause we’re gonna be here a while!

Let’s start with you. I knew, from the very first moment you called me useless, that I was going to hate you. You’re a manipulative, self-serving, I’d dare to say psychopath who’s a huge fucking hypocrite to boot. You love stirring up drama, but when the heat’s on you suddenly it’s not so fun anymore. You like feeling like you’re on top, like you’ve got everyone figured out and that you know just how to break them. It’s because you feel powerless otherwise, isn’t it? You’re small. Probably weak. You need to assert your dominance because otherwise you think you’re going to get trampled on. I know how it is. Still, take care of that doll, okay? I feel like- maybe there’s still hope for you. Not all bullies become raging assholes when they grow up.

Haruhi Nosaka, you’re a prick. I know your head’s so far up your ass that you can’t hear all the people calling you out for being one, but you are a prick. You’re a lot like Mariko, you know? You need to feel like you’re on top, that everyone’s under your foot, that you’re the one pulling the strings. It’s because you’re insecure, isn’t it? Don’t think I’m dumb enough to believe your eyepatch is just a fashion accessory, though they were popular last season. You’re probably ashamed about whatever’s hiding under there, right? And just like the family crest you’ve pasted on your eyepatch, you hide behind your family, wealth, and status to feel less like a complete shitshow over it. God, no wonder you’re so pretentious. You need someone easy to push down so you can pull yourself up. It feels good, doesn’t it?

Isamu, what do I even say about you? You’re a bully who values winning and athletics over actually being a decent human being. Maybe if you stop treating everyone like shit over not exercising enough or whatever, you’d actually have friends and wouldn’t have to be superficially happy? You won both times we fought, and I can’t say if you deserved to or not. I’m an asshole when I’m pissed, but that doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole to begin with.

Robyn next I guess. I- like you. You’re a good person, you know that? I feel like you just want to take care of people, and that’s a good trait for a doctor to have. Sure, you’re brash, abrasive, and cuss a lot more than I’d like, then again I wish I could cuss more. You give people sympathy but you tell them how to do better at the same time. Thank you for that.

Nori- you can be kind of annoying? Like, you’re a bit too physical for comfort sometimes, and it can be really hard to talk about more personal stuff with you. I like you, but everything just feels superficial...is that mine or your fault? Regardless, you’re a great gossip, I love talking shit about people with you in between bouts of normal conversation. Oh, and I’m sorry I cry so damn much. It’s my fault, not yours. Though the new scar on my hand totally was your fault, I just told you it was okay because I hate making you upset.

Hyosuke- why do I feel so awkward around you? I think it’s because you’re so closed off. We’re both closed off, not letting people in all the time. I wish I could open up more, but I’m just so afraid of hurting people or getting hurt...do you feel similarly to that? Regardless, I do think there are people here who’d be willing to like you if you let them in, so if you can, open up some more instead of hiding under all those layers of clothing. Seriously, are you that cold all the time? Why do you wear so many coats?

Arisa and Emi- I wish I had more to say about you guys, I really do, but I don’t. You’re both nice, good people, and Arisa thank you for the scissors. Emi, please take care of your son, and don’t let the people smack talking you keep you from loving him. And Arisa, I’m so sorry about Ryo and I’m glad you liked the memorial. I want to get to know each of you better.

Saori- I trusted you and you shattered that trust into a million pieces. Are you that fucking stupid? Do you really think that just because I told you about my anger issues it gives you the right to tell other people that I should beat Haruhi up? Insensitive bitch. Then again, maybe it’s my fault for giving away such sensitive information to someone I just met because we both agreed Haruhi is an asshole. I think most people here agree they’re an asshole anyway.

Mom- I’m sorry.

My clients- I’ve gone on about them before, but to recap for the new journal, I hate them. I hate their stuck-up attitudes, their entitlement, the way they treat everyone like crap out of ignorance or just plain assholeishness. I hate the fact that I constantly have to hide everything, because if I don’t they’ll destroy me. I hate the reason they like me so much. I hate how they think I’m so sweet, and how they use that to stroke their own egos about how great they are for buying my dresses when they’re working me to the bone.

No- no, I don’t hate what they think of me. I admit, I love being pitied. To be pushed around and kicked and beaten for being poor, a kid with a single mom, weak, girly, stuttering so much I could barely talk, to be treated like that for all those reasons my whole life and then have it all turn around because I’m useful? That’s what I hate. I bet that’s the reason I’m so pity hungry, first time in the spotlight and suddenly I’m being fawned over. It’s fucking fantastic. It’s led to my worst decisions and yet I can’t stop. It’s so good I can’t stop clawing after it, even when I know I don’t deserve it. I’m a monster, an actual fucking monster, one who can’t control his emotions and destroys his only friendship because god forbid he doesn’t get his pity fix, god forbid he doesn’t shut up and let her be happy even when he’s doing most of the work, but she has to get the credit because she’s the designer and THATS HOW IT WORKS YOU HUMAN TRASH NOW GET BACK IN LINE AND SHUT UP!

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, this is bringing out a lot of emotion I’m sorry I’m so sorry why can’t I stop apologizing they’re useless I’m useless god why the fuck am i pity mongering to a journal im the real shitshow. Okay, I’ve waited too long to finally get to this part but, Hana. I miss you. I’m never going to stop missing you. I wish you’d noticed what was happening, or that I actually grew a nerve and a few brain cells and fucking told you, but I just wanted you to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted was to keep you smiling. I thought, in all my idiotic wisdom that if I took credit every now and then we could both be happy, I could keep you happy, but I went too far and now neither of us are happy. I’m such a fucking dumbass. You told me friends don’t hurt friends and even though we were seven and stupid I wanted to keep believing that a decade later but now I can’t. I can’t because I fucked up, and you’re the one person I’m never going to get pity from again. I can’t say I don’t blame you, but I can’t say I don’t still hope you’ll come back someday, that we could be friends again. I want to tell the world what happened but I can’t, not while Mom’s still alive, she needs me. Hell I don’t even know if I’ll be brave enough to do it when she’s dead, but I want to. I want it to all come crashing down because you fucking deserve to see me fall, and I’m going to Hell anyway so I might as well prepare myself. 

@redstringsroleplay

[hirakdesherrani]

Double standards re: Annika and Gauri

Now this is not a bashing post, (or even if it is who cares, its my blog and I can write whatever I want) or yet another comparison post. I love both of these characters, despite the shitty and mostly inconsistent writing (especially in case of Gauri). Maybe I love Gauri a bit more, but that’s mainly ‘cos Shrenu is a superior performer. 

This is just to let out a year of frustration at the writers and the petty fandom BS when it comes to these two, so that I don’t carry this venom with me into the next year. 

My grudge is more againt the fandom than the writers because the writers did give a chance to Gauri to shine in some places, but again the petty fandom BS. At least the Shivika fandom is not divided into Shivaay v/s Annika; unfortunately for Gauri, its the Omkara fandom which bashes her the most because they just can’t accept that Om is not perfect, and undeserving of anyone, let alone Gauri. 

Anyways, so launching into it straightaway, lets start with the writers. The writers have in a major way been much more meherbaan on Annika than Gauri. Annika was explored for almost 140 episodes before Shivaay forcibly married her. What about Gauri? She was married off to Omkara in the 11th episode, and more or less her story starts from there. In fact, to be very honest the audience got to see only two episodes of Gauri’s life before Kali Thakur wreaks her life. The audience never got to see Gauri’s life at all. The only things audience got to know about Gauri is that she is adopted, she loves her mother and she is a devotee of Shankarji. And these three things Gauri shares with probably 80 million people in India. What makes up her character and who she is was not explored at all. Its like Gauri’s story started when she married Omkara. And she was immediately judged as a doormat and regressive and other assorted nonsense (which I will deal with later in the post). 

On the other hand, Annika’s independence was thrust in our faces for almost 150 episodes. The multitude of qualities which make Annika amazing were explored over a period of 5 months. Gauri was never afforded that opportunity in the first place. Annika is ‘khuddar’ and made her way in life without the advantage of naam, khoon and khaandaan. This was the main draw and USP of Annika’s character. Well, Gauri ne kaunsa naam, khoon, khaandaan ka advantage uthaaya hai?!? She is equally self-made and independent in life. But the writers did not spend more than two episodes exploring this. 

Another thing which writers highlighted over and over, was how Annika took care of Sahil and dueled with her nasty Buaaji on a daily basis. Episodes on episodes have been used on highlighting that how despite being an orphan, Annika took the responsibility of a young  Sahil. On the other hand, Gauri has been passed off as someone with a happy childhood. Yeah I imagine her childhood would have been very happy, with her chaacha and chaachi plotting on how much money they could earn when they sold her off. And if someone argues that Gauri had the presence of at least an adoptive mother, toh please, its more likely that Gauri brought her mother up than her mother raising her. Maaaa is probably the most annoying character in DBO’s universe, and let me just say that Sahil is probably one of the most sensible and perceptive character in IBverse, and Annika was lucky to have his support, unlike Gauri who was crippled by the existence of Maaaa and who filled Gauri’s head with nonsense about marriage and duties of wife. 

And now my greatest grudge against writers. Annika is the favorite of several people because she solves all her problems on her own. We have seen a gradual development of Annika’s character, where writers have spend time exploring why Annika is cynical about God, and why she always blames her ‘2Rs kismat’ for her troubles. Well, news flash, Gauri also defeats all evil on her own, and her life has been hella more scary than Annika’s. Gauri has been criticized strongly for her belief in god. Not just by IF/Twitter fandom (who are usually pathetic and crazy) but also by Tumblr fandom. Tumblr biggies initially dismissed Gauri for her ‘holier-than-though’ attitude, and parroting dialogues on faith and belief. 

But here I beg to differ. Gauri’s relationship with her Shankarji is perhaps the purest bond in the whole of IB/DBO universe. Gauri does not pray to Shakarji because its a social obligation or habit bred into her. Shankarji is like Gauri’s godfather. Since, Maaaa was mostly a useless creature, its to Shankarji that Gauri turns to in times of distress, and Shankarji looks after her. Shankarji has always protected her. If Gauri believes in Shankarji, then Shankarji has also responded in kind and looked after her. Yes, Shankarji messed up majorly when he chose Omkara for her, but khair, even God is not above making mistakes. Shankarji could have chosen someone wayyyy better for his chiraiyaa, but maybe Gauri made some Draupadi-esque blunder in her previous life (I hope you guys know the story, if not ask in comments, and I’ll reply), so she got stuck with Omkara. I’ll forever hate the writers for not exploring the Gauri’s dynamics and backstory with Shankarji. In my headcanon, some major incident must have happened when Gauri was young, and Gauri must have prayed to God and Shankarji must have got her out of trouble. Since then Gauri and Shankarji formed an unbreakable bond, which is why Gauri has this unshakeable faith in Shankarji. The writers never explored the reason behind Gauri’s faith and positivity and optimism, allowing the audience and fandoms to be hoodwinked into believing that Gauri was the typical Tulsi-Parvati type of character. I think I’ll be sour about this fact even after the show ends.

Coming to the next fact which annoys me. Now here I can’t blame the writers really. Its the fandom and their elitist notions that irk me. Annika is widely loved for her dictionary and mannerisms. In fact, to be honest michmichi has become part of my dictionary as well. But why is Gauri judged for the way she talks? Just because Annika is from Bombay/Mumbai so she is cool, whereas Gauri hailing from the North Indian belt (UP) is a victim of regionalist bias. Forget the trashy Twitter/IF fandom or the so-called ‘Om Deewaanis’ who suffer from a Pinky complex and believe that Gauri is not good enough for their trash son, but even sensible Tumblr blogs initially bashed Gauri for her linguistic traits. I mean, if you are a South Indian who does not understand half the words Gauri speaks, then is that the character’s fault or your own judgy ass for stereotyping her? (just an instance I came across). The funny thing is that now the same Tumblr blogs have come around to liking Gauri, and now blame others for being classist and elitist. The U-turns on opinions I’ve seen in this show, honestly.

Connecting to my old point about Gauri’s equation with Shankarji, is this other issue where both the writers and the fandom are at fault. The writers couldn’t spend more than two episodes on giving Gauri a proper backstory, but they spent over two months on her Pati parmeshvar nonsense. There were so many other facets to her character which could and should have been highlighted properly: her positivity, her optimism, humor, courage, quick wit, sharp brains. Yes, the writers did highlight those, but with a daily dose of PP jaap which ensured that audience would overlook her better qualities. And jo kasar writers ne chhod di thi, woh fandom ne puri kar di. It literally took an episode for the fandom to typecast her as a doormat. Gauri wan’t devoted to Omkara because he “married” her. Duh uh. Gauri saw Shankarji as her godfather, and in her mind Shankarji sent Omkara to save her. The fact that Omkara shares his name with Shankarji confirmed her belief further. In Gauri’s eyes, Omkara is her guardian angel. So, she easily put him on a pedestal. The fact is that Gauri is devoted to him not because he is her husband, she is devoted to him because she believes that it is her fate, if her God chose Omkara for her, then who is she to deny his choice, and the duties, the ‘patnidharm’ that comes along with it. I believe that if Gauri had married any other guy, under ordinary circumstances then the PP jaap would not be there because she would not have seen him as her savior. 

Another reason why the PP jaap was at its height during the Chulbul phase was because up until then Gauri just saw his good side. In her mind, Omkara was a good guy who valued his servants also, he was humble, down-to-earth, sorta socialist person, who loved his mother, but just suffered from some anger management issues. The fact that Omkara befriended a servant confirmed her belief that Omkara is some modern day socialist hero. But post-the Chulbul reveal in Bareilly where Om left Gauri to die, thats when she came to face the ugly truth of Omkara being a one-eyed, judgmental, hypocritical asshole. In my opinion, thats the reason why Gauri’s PP jaap toned down when she returned to Oberoi mansion. She still kept him on a pedestal but now it was more of an obligation than her own wish. Which is why she kept questioning his hypocrisy whenever given the chance, and pointing out his bullshit mental issues. This is also the reason why she did not waste a moment in leaving the mansion, once she guaranteed that Om is safe (in the DBO finale scene).

But did the fandom understand all this? Nope. For them Gauri was the regressive doormat, while Annika was the progressive modern bahu. Well, didn’t Annika stick to Shivaay after the forced marriage? Yes, she was emotionally abused into it by Dadi, but the fans were so willing to forgive Annika for staying with Shivaay, toh phir Gauri ne kya dosh kiya hai? Annika literally forgives Shivaay the next day for the Daksh misunderstanding where she could have almost died thanks to Shivaay’s judgmental ass. But Gauri is a greater villain for forgiving Omkara for leaving her to die in Bareilly track 2? Kyun bhai?? 

Also, lets not forget that Annika had made it a business to save Shivaay from Tia’s scam even before she got married to him. Like girl, do you go to the Oberoi mansion to do your job or spy on Tia? And for whom? The guy who called you road trash, threw you out of his house multiple times, put you in prison, and made abusive physical contact many times before? But the fandom forgets all this or calls it Annika’s generosity. But Gauri is bashed for her divinely ordained obsession with Omkara. 

If Gauri were really the doormat then she would have tried to impose herself on Omkara, but she never did. If Gauri were really the regressive doormat then she would not have confronted and questioned Omkara multiple times for asking what is her place in his life and what is her right to stay in the Oberoi house.  I won’t say that Annika didn’t question Shivaay, she did, but she never demanded answers. In fact, I was under the impression that Annika would leave after Tia exposure but she made no move to do that. Unlike Gauri who once the job was done, kept on questioning Omkara, until she gave up on him completely and just waited for Shivika to get married so that she could leave the house. How are the two characters so widely different that Annika is progressive while Gauri is regressive in the eyes of the fandom?

That the writers never gave the same opportunity to Gauri’s character to be explored is something I’ve already mentioned. But the writers didn’t stop at that. The multiple personality transplants they have given to Gauri and flipped her character on the tava for the plot’s convenience are a greater sin. The chief example of this is the bullshit English track which was just introduced for the sake of showing what an amazing brother Shivaay is and how amazing Annika is that she did not change herself for Shivaay. I mean Shivika are amazing, but is it necessary to butcher Gauri’s character for that? Gauri, who has been proudly proclaiming that she is paachvi paas, who almost picked up a fight with Omkara because she thought he was about to comment on her dressing style and ask her to change it, and who most importantly said that love is like Meera, where one should not impose oneself on another; would learn English all of a sudden because she wants to be ‘laayak’ for Om?? Like really?? This is such a major character blooper, only introduced to make Shivika look like the goals couple. Matlab what should I say about Shivika then, who need every other character in the IBverse to sing their praises to prove how ‘takkar’ ki their jodi is. LOL I’ll rather prefer Rikara over them then, at least they don’t need Dadi to remind the audience everyday that Shivika are true ishqbaaz. 

Of course, the petty fandom exploited this writing blooper to the fullest to say how Annika is self-confident while Gauri is an insecure mess. Well didn’t Annika lie and sacrifice her relationship with Shivaay because of Pinky’s dhamki? She didn’t have 1% confidence in their relationship to tell the truth of Pinky’ threats. Wasn’t Annika too defeated by her insecurity about naam, khoon, khaandaan that to protect Shivaay’s fake pride she sacrificed her love? Because she felt that Shivaay needs his naam,khoon, khaandaan more than her, despite the whole journey they had made as a couple over an year. Gauri, by those standards did not know Omkara that well, and neither were they in love at the point, for her to not be affected by her insecurities. But Gauri’s insecurities make her a doormat while Annika’s insecurities make her a self-sacrificing devi? Theek hai ji!

Several people get irritated that why is Rikara fandom so upset with Gauri shipping Shivika or playing matchmaker for them or part of the Obahus, etc. Well, they don’t get it. The DBO fandom has seen Gauri as the centre of everything, where she has ruled in her story. To see Gauri play second fiddle to Anika or Shivika is what irks us. We are not mad that Gauri is seen shipping Shivika; we are mad because thats all she’s been reduced to. When the Rikara fandom says that it wants badass Gauri, we don’t mean we want her to be stabbing villains or crushing cars. We want her to have her own story and be at the centre of her story. The break up scene is I think the most badass scene of Gauri, because she fully annihilates Omkara’s skewed perception of truth and walks out of their one-sided equation. 

Finally the only instance where writers have favored Gauri over Annika (till now). Unlike Annika, Gauri has always been able to keep the physical and romantic aspect of her relationship separate. The only consideration for Gauri in a physical equation is consent. Gauri never steps back from participating in consensual physical contact. Woh hamaari phooti kismat that Omkara is forever either drugged or faking it or the latent passive-aggressive nature of their relationship, which has effectively ensured that Rikara fandom never gets to enjoy a tharki scene. 

But what were the writers thinking when they showed a 27-year old, grownass woman, brought up in Mumbai, who btw watched B-grade movies with her brother, LITERALLY running away from the man she loves on the thought of consummation? Like what were they smoking? I get it that they want to show shyness on part of the heroine, but to actually make her run away like that? The whole scene where Annika wears the silly night dress on top of her kurta and escapes from the room is in the list of the top five cringey scenes I’ve seen on Ishqbaaz. What fandom thought as funny and comic and cute, I found that unbelievable and moreover, why do writers write such sequences which make their heroes looks like desperate horny men? 

Annika fleeing her room is funny, but Gauri being lost for a moment in that horrendous jal jal ke dhuyaan sequence makes her desperate? The kind of comments I read on IF that time were unbelievable. Since when did feeling desire make one a desperate, clingy woman? FYI Gauri did push Om away because he was not in his senses. The most ridiculous reaction has to be of certain ‘Om deewaanis’ (I’m sorry I just can’t stop myself from LOLing at this group), who wrote that Omkara is so attractive that Gauri just couldn’t resist him, like themselves. Somebody knock some sense into these teenage girls that Kunal and Omkara are two different creatures. The number of facepalm moments I had reading their comments that day! Thank God! the writers toned down that aspect of Annika, because “yeh aap kya kar rahe hai Shivaay” was getting on my nerves. 

While Annika got so much appreciation for finally being bold, let me just say that my girl Gauri already did it. I hated the inspiration scene, but I have to praise Gauri for unbelievable confidence she has in herself to follow Bade Bhaiyaa’s suggestion, and use her beauty as the one thing that can help remove Omkara’s artist block. Gauri is confidence goals. The fact that Gauri is in touch with her sensual side is perhaps the greatest reason why I prefer Gauri over Annika. 

To me, both my girls are amazing, and deserve much better the Obros. They also deserve much better than the writers shitty, inconsistent tracks and pathetic fandom bullshit. 

Honestly, for me the best possible conclusion of IB would be AniRiVya leaving the Oberois after giving them a piece of their mind about the maltreatment they suffered at their hands (Soumya, smart girl, pehli hi Australia chali gayi). Oh and Svetlana burning down the whole mansion with the Oberois in it. Maybe in distant future Svetty and Gauri can hook up, ‘cos honestly I’ve been on the SvetRi ship even before I thought of giving Rikara a chance (Om is just too stupid for Gauri). 

P.S. I mentioned above that Shrenu is a superior performer. I have two reasons for this. IB was my first Surbhi C. show while DBO was my first Shrenu show. Why I praise Shrenu more is because Gauri is a difficult character to play. While Surbhi has a lot in common with Annika’s bindaas attitude, Shrenu has nothing in common with Gauri. Gauri and Shrenu are too totally different personas, therefore, in my opinion Shrenu has to put in greater effort to play Gauri than Surbhi has to put in playing Annika. Secondly, Surbhi got a whole lot more material and 50 times greater screenspace to prove her mettle as compared to Shrenu, and yet Shrenu managed to impress me in the second episode itself while it took almost a month for me to warm up to Surbhi’s acting skills. 

[huntershowl]

GETTING  TO  KNOW  THE  MUN:

NAME : raine

NICKNAME :  ive been called rainey before? thats about it tho

FACECLAIM : we’ll get there

PRONOUNS :  she/her

HEIGHT : 5′10″

BIRTHDAY : may 25th

AESTHETIC : if i say rain will u kill me

LAST  SONG  YOU  LISTENED  TO :  ghost - acoustic by au/ra

FAVOURITE  MUSE (S)  YOU’VE  WRITTEN : honestly. this bastard child

GETTING  TO  KNOW  THE  ACCOUNT :

WHAT  INSPIRED  YOU  TO  TAKE  ON  THIS  MUSE : i’ve had hellhound for about 4 years now – she started off as a D&D character for a sci-fi campaign. back then, there was no ‘hellhound’ - just a girl with a gun and a (very different) twin brother. she was an artificer, ironically, with a knack for tinkering and poisonmaking – still just as hard to get along with though, lol. but, yeah - that campaign died out, then a couple years later my friends and i started a blades in the dark campaign. muse for her did not die out, and i really wanted to play her in something, so she became hellhound – an industrial fantasy sniper with smoking hair and a beastly persona. thing is, we haven’t actually played that campaign in like two months. hellhound muse was banging on the walls SCREAMING – and i had no outlet.         the idea to make a blog for her sorta... floated through my head at one point. but i’ve made an oc blog before. had a multimuse, a while ago, and it got absolutely no traction, so in low spirits i decided never to try to make an oc blog again! just to stick with my canon blog ive had for five years and let that be that. i made a sort of joking sort of self-deprecating post on that blog about making one for hellhound, assuming folks would scroll past it. instead, @waywardsignns​ encouraged me to do it and gave me a list of cool blogs to follow, so i decided to give it one last shot. and here we are! i havent been this happy on an rp blog since the early days of my canon when the community was thriving.

WHAT  ARE  YOUR  FAVOURITE  ASPECTS  OF  YOUR  CURRENT  MUSE : i really love playing with mystery and misconceptions. running this blog in a way where i slowly reveal her past as it comes up naturally in threads was a risky decision, because i had no idea if i was gonna be able to really hook people like i wanted to. i didn’t know if i could make them care! but yeah, i really like being able to focus backstory-wise on the other character and have hellhound’s personality stand up on its own without context.         i also just ... i love to play with the rumors, the fear – when muses are scared of her or hate her from the outset because of her reputation (rarely happens but c’est la vie!) that’s my absolute favorite shit. i understand why most muses just treat her like a normal person, but i do wish more people had Opinions and preconceptions on her notoriety upon first interaction.          another thing i really enjoy about her is that despite everything, despite the sheer unholy amount of shit she has been through and inflicted upon people, she still loves easily. if she didn’t? like – if the body pile and the sins that make her lungs feel black had snuffed out that trait, i think hellhound would have skewed FULL evil by now. she’s still clinging to this tiny ember that’s kept alive by her brother, by the ghost that manifests in her subconscious. that provides a really interesting contrast to how hard she pushes people away, because it’s kind of a constant push and pull. it also provides an interesting contrast to her anger. which i’d talk about if i wasn’t already pushing the length of this post lol – just one more thing, though: i don’t know everything about her yet. because she’s a character in an ongoing campaign, there are a lot of parts of her lore that i’m still not even clear on, so it’s really fun to be able to find out about her along with everyone else!

WHAT’S  YOUR  BIGGEST  INSPIRATION  WHEN  IT  COMES  TO  WRITING : i listen to hellhound’s instrumental playlist when i’m writing her a lot. in between threads or campaign sessions, i’ll watch the punisher season 1 or read six of crows – both have characters ( frank castle, obviously, and inej and kaz in soc ) who really resonate with parts of hellhound’s character. for the most part it’s music, though. there are playlists for all the major figures in hellhound’s backstory, all with very different moods. there are three different playlists for hellhound herself. (slaps computer) spotify is Always Open on this bad boy

FAVOURITE  TYPES  OF  THREADS : that’s a great question, i’m not 100% sure yet. like i mentioned previously, i really, really love threads where muses fear or hate hellhound upon meeting her because of her reputation. the public LITERALLY calls her a dog. a beast. so like – when muses share in that, it shows that the mun took the care and time to think about how their character would react to this important lore and it makes me really happy. no loss if they don’t, of course! i’m happy to write with people either way.         i also love threads where hellhound’s actual feelings come up beyond her walls. her repressed anger, her grief, her fear of losing people. i don’t think any of those have actually happened yet because she’s SO guarded but... we will get there. i’ve really been enjoying threads where people annoy the shit out of her, because for some Fucking reason she always ends up developing a soft spot for those folks ( @prphyrik‘s vicente and @nclled​‘s litho come to mind. ) that ends up evolving into enemies to friends and i get so soft when people hate hellhound at first and then warm up to her over time it’s... so good...         threads with muses either very similar to her – violent people, angry people, those who are hell-bent on revenge – are very fun as well. look into that mirror and see yourself motherfukcer

BIGGEST  STRUGGLE  IN  REGARDS  TO  YOUR  CURRENT  MUSE : god... hellhound’s always in an INTENSELY UPSET headspace. she hasn’t been happy in like five years. she has pretty severe PTSD. she’s suffered and made people suffer. she’s guarded, violent, and destructively angry all the time, and she can repress in one minute what i have to take like a month to process. it ends up falling into the same issue that method actors face – because she’s a big hyperfixation of mine rn, i’m almost always thinking about her, listening to her music or writing her because i love to do so. i have to immerse myself fully into her mindset in order to play her properly. to an extent it’s cathartic but it’s also a lot to feel this way all the time. i wouldn’t say it’s taking an actual toll in any sense, but it does get kind of exhausting? i gotta remember to force myself to take Breaks sometimes.

tagged by: borrowed from @legendmade tagging: if i’ve mentioned you in this then you’re tagged, but otherwise anyone who hasn’t done it yet!

[palace-of-freedom]

They say that when you're sleepy, and its 3am, you're more yourself than you ever are. Your thoughts are more unfiltered and things just come spilling out. I think that its very true. People are like ogres - we have layers. 

We have so many layers, that we don't even know who we truly are. I mean, if you were to strip away yourself piece by piece; take away your role in society one by one; at the end of it all who are you? what are you? 

If you aren't a son or a daughter; student or employee; male or female; aunt or uncle; relative; friend; sibling. Without the rest of the world who are you? What is your underlying self?

In biological terms, your outermost layer is your skin. Below that you have all our arteries, veins and capillaries. Going deeper, you are bone and skeleton. And then comes your organs - the things that work day and night to keep you alive, healthy and functioning. 

In psychological or spiritual terms, you are first a living body. Then you are a thinking mind. And then, once you take away all of this, all you're left with is a soul. Thats what you come into this world with. And thats what you take from it.Your soul is the foundation over which your memories, thoughts, values, beliefs, experiences and behaviours begin to mould around. 

I wonder a lot about who and what I would be without everything that surrounds me. I know that humans have been designed and created as social beings, meant to interact with and be around other people, but I can’t help but wonder if I was allowed to truly be myself without any consequences; or if I could do anything and live a selfish life, then what would I do? 

Factually I know that both my questions are moo points, because without people around me, I would have no culture or language or anything of that sort - and therefore, there would be no difference between me and an animal. Similarly I also know that living a life purely for yourself and doing anything without consequence would just make us all lazy, and take away any inspiration or motivation to do anything. It would just create a society of disaster. 

However, in hypothetical terms, I’m still curious and only satisfaction will bring me back. I know for a fact that if I were living a life for myself alone, I would not be studying psychology. I got into psychology purely because I saw the affects of depression on some of the people closest to me, and the symptoms were something I wouldn't even wish my worst enemy to go through. But all my life, I’ve been obsessed with animals and specially dogs. I used to dream of opening my own mini zoo and rescuing all animals who were abused, mistreated or had no home, and just giving them a happy home to stay in. Being a psychologist and learning how to treat mental illness is not something I’m genuinely interested in. I’m more interested in learning how the mind works. Where I want to go from there, I’m not so sure of but I’ve got plenty of time to figure out a career path, while just enjoying and appreciating studying it today. And running an animal shelter is something I can always do. Psychology is my interest right now and I do want to learn, if for nothing else, then at least it will help me understand my own brain, which has been in a state of pure chaos for some time now. 

I think thats the main reason I’m so curious about who i would be without people around me. The person I am under all these layers and layers. I can list out my personality traits and go on and on about them but I don't know how that will help. Because how is personality really different from the soul and the mind. The soul is the spark that gives life. The mind is what guides the soul and personality is the features that the soul, mind and society create. 

Over the course of life, your entire personality changes as the world moulds you. I started as a kid who used to hate eating food and love dogs. Today I’m a foodie and I still love dogs. But over the past few years, the change in my personality has been quite drastic. For one, I went from an optimist to a pessimist. For another, I’m less shy, less introverted and more social. I’m also more vocal about my wants and demands and I can make my voice heard when it matters. I am no longer a doormat and I love that. 

However, its still pretty damn easy to manipulate me. Its very easy for people to play with my feelings or to coerce me into doing things for them. This is something I need to change but it also worries me because it means I don't see people as the best they can be, but instead the worst. The rose tinted glasses I wear, will come off, and I know reality isn't the best. But at the same time, I would like people to see me in a good light rather than as flawed. And although I would like to be seen as amazing and brilliant, I see myself as a fuck up. I believe I screw up everything good in my life because I make stupid decisions, say stupid things or feel stupid things and I feel like that creates chaos out of everything. For example, I can only ever crush on people who can see me as a good friend. Good relationships I screw up by not prioritising them or managing and maintaining them badly. I fight too much. I’m stubborn and I cant let go of anything - from memories to grudges to pillows. I should have been made with warranty, terms and conditions and an instruction manual because everything keeps glitching every few days and its triggered by the smallest of things - from friends arguing to awkward chats. I need to work on my emotional tolerance levels and find a way to deal with pain and disappointment because its been hitting me like a truck for a while now in various ways. 

Its these disappointing experiences with humans that makes me question who I would be without them. Without my parents, would i be less screwed up? Would I believe more in love and marriage? Would I still be with a certain ex? Would i be happier? I know the answer to this, If not these problems, I would have another set of issues. But I still examine all my experiences with people. Like had my sister not left home and got married early, would I have as many issues with abandonment that I do? Had my ex not gone off at me for every little thing - for being selfish, helpless, worthless, arrogant and so much more, would I have a better self esteem? Would I be more confident about decisions I take had I not been criticised for every single one I made by most people in my life? Had my best friend not ignored me for days on end after arguments, would I be more comfortable about getting into debates and expressing my emotions and opinions? Had my other best friend not walked out of my life, would I be more comfortable with other friends leaving and going abroad, without fearing losing them eventually? Had I not fallen for the first person to show me love and care last year, would I trust my feelings more and be more comfortable accepting my feelings? Had i not experienced all of this I would be a completely different person today. The only question is what would I be? 

Today I am who I am mainly because of all these experiences. If not these I would have had to deal with countless others and I wouldn’t be this person today. And honestly, while there are some aspects of myself that I hate (for example, I am too emotional, too sensitive, overbearing, I wear my heart on my sleeve, too attached, too scared and fearful), I also love the fact that I care about people, specially my friends. I love my ability to read the people I’m close to like they're open books, even though a lot of the time it goes unappreciated (I intend to stop confronting them about this i future because of this lack of appreciation - and because I get told I check in too much because I’m reading too much into things or because I feel guilty). I also love the fact that I am empathising and understanding, and had i not experienced my fair share of shit i wouldn't be this person. And had I not had these bad experiences, I wouldn't be the person I am today. However I also firmly believe that we all need to go through problems. Had it not been these issues, I would have had countless others to deal with.

After all, what is life without problems. Happiness, according to Mark Manson, comes from solving problems. And life cant be perfect and happy all the time. If perfect is a constant state, then its just normal. You need to have the variety of moods, feelings and emotions - fear, anger, sadness, happiness and all of the others, despite the fact that they are negative. Its the only way you truly appreciate the few and rare moments of happiness in between, and then chase things that actually make you happy.

However happiness today is more like a drug. It comes fleetingly and it has to be induced either through alcohol, smoking or hanging out with good friends. Its easy come and easy go. And I value those fleeting moments so much, but I just wish they would come naturally. For that I guess I need to start figuring my shit out and dealing with my issues and problems, but I have no clue where to start. My brain is like a tangled mess and I don't have the energy to untangle it.