#they fight all day long but then Macau is alone and afraid

[the-cookie-of-doom]

Here is my role reversal AU where the Kittisawats are the powerful mafia family, and the Theerapanyakuls are the poor brothers cousins trying to survive. Also they’re all sex workers. 

Tankhun is the overworked and overstressed eldest trying to take care of his family. Korn is a sick old man, likely to die any day now, and Gun is their shady, unreliable uncle who takes advantage of his brother’s failing health and the boys for his own gain. He’s part of a low-level gang; robberies, muggings, minor car theft. Nothing that would get the attention of actual organized criminals. A scumbag. 

Kinn and Vegas are the primary supports. Tankhun does his best, but he’s got his own trauma to work through. Kinn is the bartender fucking patrons for extra tips; Vegas is just a prostitute, and he doesn’t try to hide it. He also deals drugs on the side, and sometimes is forced into helping with Gun’s crimes. First as a lookout when he was young, then as an active participant. Kinn and Khun both fight with him about his methods. Kinn, because he thinks Vegas is reckless, getting involved with his father like that. He won’t be able to avoid the police forever if he keeps engaging in violent crime. Vegas thinks none of them can afford to be scrupulous with their morals, and none of them can deny that he delivers. 

Tankhun, a former prostitute himself, until he was kidnapped and… had a bad time… scolds Vegas for being so reckless with his own sex work. He’s terrified of anyone in his family going through the same things he did. Now he’s agoraphobic as hell, terrified of strangers, and only manages to pull himself together for the sake of his family. He still does sexwork, but now he’s just a camboy; there isn’t much else he can do that doesn’t require him to leave the house, when he’s a college drop-out with no qualifications or marketable skills. 

Kim’s bright plan was to become a YouTube sensation, get famous, and make it so none of his family ever has to work again. It doesn’t pan out quite that way. He does have and maintain a channel for his music, sharing recording equipment with Tankhun, but it’s small time. He does have a significant amount of subscribers; between that and his patreon, it’s not enough to live off of, but it’s enough for him to put himself through school. Anything extra he gets goes towards his family; Tankhun always tries to protest, but Kim can see the way some of the tension leaves his eyes when he doesn't have to worry about the month’s bills. Unlike the elder cousins, the closest Kim ever comes to sex work is playing his guitar shirtless on his patreon. Maybe a couple times people have offered to pay him for ~extra services~, but he just can’t bring himself to do it. 

Macau is still in high school. He tutors people for extra cash (read: does their assignments for a hefty fee) and helps Kim edit his music/videos. Wants to be a DJ someday. The two of them are close, as the babies of the family. Closer than Kim is to his own brothers, but the same can’t be said for Vegas; he and Macau are thick as thieves. 

One day Kinn gets a job as a personal bartender. He doesn’t bother trying to hide that he’s working for Porsche Kittisawat, and Kim isn’t shy about calling him a kept boy. He doesn’t begrudge his brother the choices he makes, he just wishes Kinn didn’t have to make them. Kinn puts up a good front, but Kim knows the craves the intimacy of a lasting relationship. He’s desperate for something real. To love and be loved. Kim is too jaded to stake any belief in finding something like that. 

Then he meets Chay. 

Chay is actually a fan of his. A very generous fan who regularly makes sizeable donations. Kim owes his upgraded recording equipment to Chay’s generosity, though he has no idea who his online benefactor is. 

Kim is local talent. Sometimes he gets called to play small shows every once in a blue moon. Kinn is pretty good at pulling the strings to get Kim booked at his club, courtesy of Porsche, who’s really making the offer on Chay’s behalf. It’s how Kim ends up meeting Chay. Not that he makes the connection. 

Chay is in the crowd, watching him with more interest than he thinks he’s earned. Kim thinks it’s regular attraction, the kind he’s used to. Used to it dropping off when people get to see the real him too; his pretty face isn’t enough to make up for his ugly life, especially when his personality isn’t enough to act as a buffer. Kim buys him a drink after the show anyway. They talk, they flirt, Chay admits to being a fan, which is nice. Kim’s never been recognized before. 

They start seeing each other. Kim still doesn’t connect Chay ro Kinn or to his favorite subscriber. Thanks to Kinn (and Chay’s) efforts, he keeps doing shows. Gets booked for better clubs as he proves himself able to handle it. He doesn't want to know what it cost his brother; he hopes it’s not too much, and Kinn always assures him he’s fine. He seems to mean it, and Kim is just selfish enough not to question it if it means his dream coming true. He starts promoting his shows online, and Chay is there at every one. Pretty soon that leads to seeing each other outside of shows, too, then going on dates. 

It’s building towards something. But before they can fall over that edge, Kim finds out about everything. The mafia, Chay’s subscription, Chay getting him these shows. All but paying for him. Kim is devastated. He knew better than to trust Chay from the start, it was too good to be true, and now look at what’s happened. 

He goes to his family. 

Tankhun, shrewd as ever, tells him it doesn’t change anything just because he knows now. Vegas, ruthless, tells him to use Chay for everything he’s worth until the money dries up. Macau thinks it’s romantic; that Chay admired him from afar, only for them to meet by chance and fall in love. Except they didn’t meet by chance, and Kim isn’t in love. 

Kinn understands, though. Kim didn’t expect him to. He didn’t give his brother enough credit. He thought Kinn would be like Vegas and Khun. Instead he tells Kim to follow his heart. He knows Kim isn’t like them, isn’t built for the kind of life where he can set aside his feelings and use someone else for his own gain. He’s too much of an artist for that. 

Kim tells all of this to Chay, who says that he doesn’t want to buy Kim, either. If Kim doesn’t return his feelings, that’s okay. They can go back to the way they were. They can be friends, or Chay can just be an anonymous name on a screen. He wants to be with Kim, but he doesn’t want to pay Kim to pretend with him. 

It’s exactly what Kim needed to hear. 

[knowyourkaldereta]

64 Days

Day 1: Oct 29

I wasn’t able to go to work today- I figured I just can’t. I woke-up like I have never slept and my fever flared up. I was coughing non-stop and I can’t even put my mind and body to rest. I tried to stay calm and focus on getting better so I can go back to work tomorrow- but I ended up talking to you, you were mad. Really mad. I wish I never made the call- but then again I wanted to provide you answers- and I don’t want to leave things with ‘I’m breaking-up with you’ 

Day 2: Oct 30

Woke-up empty again- and told myself, ‘wow Roj, you are able to place yourself in the same shitty situation at a short amount of time’. I needed to go back to work so I pulled myself together. I spent 20 mins contemplating inside a coffee shop- trying to make sense why these things are happening. Is it really suppose to happen? Is this necessary? Who knows right. But yeah, I survived Day 2. Alive.

Day 3: Oct 31

I woke-up today full of regrets - thinking about all the things that I shouldn’t have done. And the things I should have done better. I tried to wash you off my head but this hole is not very easy to ignore. I spent another 30 mins lying in bed -staring at the ceiling -contemplating what’s happening with my life before I finally booked a ride. My cough got worse but the colds seem to subside a bit. I have been working extra hard so that there’s no time for me to feel anything- but somehow I still manage to look at your photos. I went off 9pm since I no longer have any plans - bought myself a bottle of beer at Bowery and managed to look pathetic for 45 minutes. Staring at Mind Museum with a lighted cigarette on my hand. What do I do? What can I do? What should I do? - right now, maybe I just want to be alone. Curling-up on my bed, thinking how am I able to survive this longing for the next days. 

Day 4: Nov 1

It really was a trying day today. I had my worst panic attack with work and all the anxiety that I was feeling because of the break-up. It was so bad that I can compare it to June 19 of 2016. I wasn’t able to feel my fingers and I can’t cry for help. I was shaking under the table holding a glass of water.  I took several breathes and really tried my best. I even texted you for refuge - because I no longer know what to do. And then it stopped. Today I can say that I still love you, so much. I still wish that we can get back together and hope that you’ll give us another chance. But today I also prayed for the Lord to give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Day 5: Nov 2

I woke-up again today feeling empty. I wasn’t so sure on how I can push through living with this misery. I got confused because of the things I knew but did not understand. Today, I realised that I am capable of loving someone unconditionally - that I am willing to look past anything for the sake of love. I was a bit more convinced today that you are really moving on - I had a panic attack inside the mall - I was rushing for my breathe, I sat down inside Jollibee and cried. I dragged myself to Mentore so less people can see me catching for breathe - and there tears kept on falling - it was all pain. I asked myself several times - ‘Why are these things happening - and do I just sit here and wait for you to come since I haven’t turned off my location tracker yet’. But then I saw that you did turn it off - I was hopeless, I was confused if it’s just false hope that I holding onto.

Day 6: Nov 3

The past days I have been having a hard time going back to sleep once I wake-up. Regardless if it’s 3am, 4am or 5am - I just can’t go back to sleep. I can’t seem to stop my mind from thinking of you - my heart has been palpitating. I wore my black jacket - the one I wore when we were in Macau just to be able to sleep. It’s shivering cold every night mahal - and only the warmth of your embrace is all I am longing for. I got stuck in bed today - contemplating and contemplating and contemplating. It was 6am - I wanted to see you real bad and I wasn’t able to control the urge of texting you. You didn’t respond but I completely understood. I just miss you so bad mahal. I want you in my arms again- and kiss you a lot of times and tell you much I love you. The pain is excruciating and I know I deserve this. Today, I was thinking of you non-stop and I guess that I might stay single until our roads cross again and you’ll accept me again - I pray for that. I wanted to introduce you to my lola yesterday - telling her that I finally found the one. The one I want to spend my life with.  I wanted to escape and leave everything behind and do something I have never done before - bring you to my hometown. So you could see where I grew-up and the people who were close to me when I was younger. I love you so much but now I understand that you need time - I’ll focus on building myself again so that for when the time come. I’d be really ready for you- to continue where we left off. 

Day 7: Nov 4

I didn’t know how I survived today - but I did. I was afraid to face all my deliverables at work but I managed to man-up and push myself. I was thinking of you all day - wondering how you are. It’s been a week mahal, and this week won’t go easy on me I know. I’m launching the show this Saturday - the one I really worked hard for. I’m excited but at the same time really afraid of what’s gonna happen. I replayed your videos several times today - makes me smile and makes me miss you more. I want to hug you and scratch your back until you fell asleep. Today, I love you the same. 

Day 8: Nov 5

Today I prayed to be stronger. I’m thankful that Lord made me so busy this week to somehow pre-occupy my head. I made peace with some of things that bother me most- changed my phone case to the one that we bought over the weekend from Shopee - to somehow refresh things. I woke-up today empty again, I can’t go back to sleep. Today, I still love you. I was thinking how you are, thinking if you are also thinking of me. On the other hand, I was excited to launch the TV show today - something that I wanted to share with you. Rough week to push, but I am excited for the break that I will be having next week. At the back of my head, I wish you’ll go with me and escape from the city - just the two of us. I’ll cuddle with you all day long and watch the sun rise from our bed. 

Day 9: Nov 6

I somehow got some sleep today - maybe because I was really tired from work last night. I finished off 1am - but I still manage to wake-up really early and stare outside the window for few minutes, thinking how much I miss you. I wanted to be strong and see myself through this - but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to move, I’m stuck. I don’t know if I should just move on like what you are doing or should I move back and fight for this. But right now, I know I’m stuck. I know I still love you, I still want to be with you but I don’t know what is the right thing to do. 

There’s still pain from the break-up, and I know it’ll be here for quite some more time. I know you’re still hurting - and I’m sorry for putting you in this situation. Maybe you broke-up with me because I cannot admit to myself that I was wrong. I thought those were harmless messages as long as we don’t meet. I shouldn’t have defended myself and just admit to it. That I am at fault. I’m sorry for all the pain - today, I still love you. With regrets, yes - but I still hope that one of these days you’ll find your way to me and we give it another try. 

Day 10: Nov 7

This is the tenth day, I woke-up thinking that you are heading to Korea today. With sadness, I thought of the days that we could have spent before you even leave. Today was a hard day - I  palpitated around 1pm- it was too much that I had to go to the clinic to rest. I couldn’t move - I just stared at the ceiling as tears slowly fell. I am not okay - I miss you so bad. 

The first break-up was devastating, but this one is life-sucking maybe because I am clueless of what to do next. I have been really drowning myself to work - but my emotions got the best of me today. I wanted to go home and escape. I was wondering if you are thinking of me, how you are coping with the break-up because honestly I am still not okay. Today, I should have hugged so tight, kissed you a lot before you go. Tell you how much I wanted to see you again and how we can videocall the rest of your trip. Today I still love you Jeff, I still cling to what we have and what we could be once we both heal. It will take time but I know - tayo pa rin sa dulo. 

Day 12: Nov 9

How are you, mahal? I see that you’re having a good time in Korea. I wanted to tell you that you should have worn dark brown or dark green in Nami lol  it would have a nice contrast against the environment. I miss you - I don’t know if you’re also thinking of me, but today I was feeling a bit better than the previous days. I am really excited on the concert tomorrow - I’m looking forward on how the hardworking weeks will turn into something I am really proud of, tomorrow I’ll be airing my first branded concert on national television. I wanted to tell you about it, how excited I am - because you know well how much I have been pouring myself to this one. I’m sure I’ll cry a lot tomorrow haha 

I still love you today Jeff. 

Day 15: Nov 12

I thought today and the upcoming days will be easier for me - but it doesn’t look that way. The huge pain returned. I was thinking if you are already back from Korea, if this is my cue to see you and get back together. To chase you and win you back.  I was panicking because I do not know what to do. I missed you a lot, I wanted to talk to you - but I don’t know how and when. 

I woke-up today looking at our photos together - seeing how good we look together. And told myself, ‘darating ‘yung panahon tayo pa rin, alam ko yun’. And yes, I still have this hope that we’ll make it through this because I still believe on how much we love each other. 

I have been convincing myself that I should already be moving on - but I have been fooling myself every time I try. You’re still all over my head, and my heart cannot unlove you. The sound of your voice, the tight hug when we sleep, the kisses in the neck and all the shenanigans we talk about which always make us laugh. I haven’t been happy since you left - the pain of longing for you still wakes me up in the middle of the night, it still makes me cry. Today, I realised that I cannot imagine a future without you in it. I love you so much but please give me a sign. 

Day 19: Nov 16

It’s over two weeks now, and I think I’m getting better - maybe by 25%. Every time I open my eyes, the first thing I’ll do is to check on our photos together- I have been trying my best not to because I know it’ll only make me miss you more. I have been focusing a lot more with work and myself - really trying to keep it together. Convincing myself that I can survive each day - but I still cry at 7am and feel empty at 10pm. I miss you holding my hand, I miss the kisses, the warm hugs - I miss everything about us. I have been purposely trying to avoid all the places and things that reminds me of us. 

I don’t know how long I’ll be here but I’m trying to carry on. I needed to go through this and there are no shortcuts on filling in this void. I needed to mourn, and I will take my time. Today, I still love you - but I’m also trying to see how to love myself better. 

Day 23: Nov 20

Hi, how are you? It’s been 23 days. I’m started to try and see things in a different perspective now - maybe I am still sad deep-inside, maybe because I still miss you and I miss all the good memories. I miss how happy we were - but as days go by, the false hope inside my heart slowly fades away. I am trying to already convince myself of the situation, that you don’t really want me anymore. It still hurts but maybe they’re right, that the love we had was great but was so fragile - we love each other so much that we wanted everything to be perfect. Today was a mix of emotions, I finally got my promotion - everyone is so happy for me but I kept on thinking how I wanted to celebrate this with you, I wanted to hear you congratulate me and see your smile. You were with me through it all - I wanted to text you about it but I don’t think I can handle how you’ll respond or if you’re even going to respond. Got me thinking, maybe Lord is already setting things in place for me - is this a sign to already move forward? I don’t know. 

Some of the days I just wish that we are brave enough to just fight for this - and fight for whatever we are feeling. It could have been easier. I still love you, but if we’re going to be back together? Maybe. No one knows. 

Day 31: Nov 29

It should have been our 2nd monthsary today. I was doing better yesterday like 50% of all the false hopes have subsided but why did you have to chat me? What is it that you want? If you really want us back - do it now.